In the Cards

Poppy woke up with a start. All the monitoring charms were flaring up in alarm, tearing the silence of the night with piercing cries. She didn’t take a second to process what must have gone wrong. She knew. She had both her Healer and woman instinct behind her, and she knew. She jumped out of her bed, only pausing to grab her wand and send a patronus to Albus. He would see to contacting who he saw fit. Poppy had neither the time nor the prerogative to make that decision. Severus might have been helpful considering his skills, but this was too close to home and considering the past few months, she couldn’t picture him keeping his cool in this situation.

She grabbed her healer’s apron as she passed through her office in the infirmary before pushing open the door that led to Lily’s. She must have forgotten to close the door between her and Harry’s room, for the alarms had woken the little boy and he was screaming and crying in fright at the sudden and strident noise.

“Milly!”

A little elf popped up in the room, only to retreat a few steps back in surprise as she too was assaulted by the noise. She quickly regained countenance and her big round eyes searched immediately for the matron.

“Mistress Poppy, Madam, has called for Milly?”

“Yes, please go take care of little Harry over in the other room. If he doesn’t calm down seek Pomona or Minerva, but only if you really cannot calm him down.”

“Miss, Yes Miss!” she exclaimed, her posture straightening with determination and she popped out and in the next room.

With a quick wave of her wand Poppy had closed the door and nullified the alarms, as she now stood right next to Lily’s bed, already reading through the magical chart that recorded every observation made under the exhaustive monitoring charms. She quickly skipped to the why the alarms had gone off. She knew what to expect but wouldn’t move on if she wasn’t sure.

Her eyes danced on the page, until she paused for merely a half-second. There it was. She discarded the parchment, and waved her wand over the still unconscious body. As she performed her last test, the door opened, revealing Albus and Minerva, closely followed by Severus. Hating being distracted in her work she nonetheless looked up to the headmaster, wordlessly asking why in the world the young man accompanied them.

“Severus was with me when I received your patronus my dear,” he answered in his ever-calm tone, eyes quickly assessing the scene. In any other situation, his answer would have earned himself a feral glare from said young man at being talked over, but in this present case, Severus seemed completely lost to the outside world, but for the red-head about to give birth.

Poppy quickly went back to her task, finishing the last test. Vitals normal, the baby wasn’t in distress, and everything seemed to indicate for a safe c-sect-

In barely a second, there was a sharp intake of breath and Lily opened her eyes, screaming her head off in agony, causing all those in the room to jump out of their skin, yelling in fright and Poppy to nearly drop her wand.

Lily’s eyes were screwed shut, teeth clenched and uncovered as she tried to contain her cries. Her hand came to cradle her stomach instinctively and she moaned in pain, exhaling as deep as she could through the pain. She shouldn’t have been to term yet, but as consumed by the pain as she was she didn’t – couldn’t, really – seem to realize anything amiss.

“It hurts,” she bit out, panting, her voice raspy.

That, broke everyone’s shock at seeing the young woman awake, and Poppy was the first one to jump back into action.

“Severus, I want a pain reducer potion. NOW.”

The young man startled, and glanced between the matron and his best friend like a demented owl, before finally getting a move on, to Poppy’s great relief. She had changed the monitoring charms to track both the mother and the baby’s vitals, and checked on the advances of the delivery. There wouldn’t be much waiting to do.

Severus came back and handed the vial over, seemingly more alert than he had been a few instants before. Without missing a beat, Poppy spelled it into the young woman’s stomach and it seemed to abate some of the pain, for she slumped back on the bed, trying very hard not to whimper in relief.

A split decision later, she pushed Severus toward the head of the bed.

“Don’t make me regret this,” she hissed, a hard glare on her face that would hopefully get the point across.

She conjured a stool and transfigured the bed into an obstetric delivery bed, immediately moving to put Lily’s legs over the holders. It seemed Minerva had stepped out of the torpor as well, for she promptly transfigured Lily’s clothes to accommodate the delivery. Poppy sent Albus in the next room to see to Harry and relieve Milly from the still screaming little boy.

When Lily opened her eyes, it was to see a pathetically-out-of-his-depth-looking Severus, who as he met her eyes seemed to have entirely forgotten he needed air to breathe. She, on the other hand, was breathing hard, occasionally letting out moans of pain through set jaw, and was staring at him, her green eyes unfathomable and strangely focused considering what she was going through. Severus had no idea what to do; his heart felt squeezed in his rib cage, hammering against it and he positively felt ill as all his guilt decided to surge up once more as he stared into the green eyes he had thought to be the doom of.

A sudden – violent – contraction seemed to rip apart Lily’s self-control, and she yelled, instinctively grabbing Severus’ hand as she doubled over. Her grasp was so tight Severus thought for a moment she had managed to break it. Not that it would surprise him, but he kept quiet, clenching his teeth instead, and enveloping the top of her hand with his other one.

“Don’t push yet, my dear, you’re not dilated enough,” Poppy warned after she had positioned herself in front of Lily and put a drape cloth over her legs.

“I’ll show you dilated,” she gritted out through clenched teeth, and very much sounding like she would rip anyone’s head off if they came too close. Severus blanched and winced but didn’t dare move.

Despite what she said, Lily heeded Poppy’s indication and as the next contraction seemed to rupture her whole, Lily didn’t push. Instead she crushed Severus’ hand further. Her entire body sagged backward once it passed, and she breathed through what she knew would be a short reprieve. She let her head fall and face who used to be her best friend.

The one who had introduced her to the magical world and who had been there when she had been shunned out by the sister she had loved so much. And yet also the one who had slowly slipped into darkness and called her a mud-blood. The one who had sold himself to Voldemort and delivered the prophecy that put a target over her son’s head. Oh how she had wanted to kill him when she had learned of it. His own mother wouldn’t have recognized him if she had gotten her hands on him.

She’d never apologize for that. He had messed up, bad. Actually no, scratch that, he’d royally screwed up.

She screamed as her body seemed to again rebel against her and pain radiated from her lower back and stomach, down her legs like electricity, tearing it all along the way. She couldn’t help herself, and a few sobs escaped her before she could control them, and once more tried to breathe through it like her life depended on it.

“You’re almost there dear, you can do this.”

She only exhaled deeply in response, shaky breaths, wet with a few escapee tears and she nodded, turning towards Severus again, eyebrows furrowed.

Oh yes he had royally screw up. A screw up of epic proportions as a matter of fact.

And yet. Before she got wind of what he had done, and they had to go into hiding, something had been nagging at her. Constantly in the back of her mind, taunting her.

Why had Severus so utterly fucked up in such a way? She’d never claim responsibility for the choices he had made, but she hadn’t been entirely innocent. Severus had been alone.

She had known, before they attended Hogwarts that he hadn’t gotten the best childhood. That those bruises she had spotted more than once didn’t come from running into a pole.

She had known, after they started Hogwarts, how many of the other students viewed him and treated him. Bullied him for his clothes, his appearance, his personality…

And for a while they had stood a united front. The first friend she had made in the magical world, the best one so far, and the first friend he had ever made in his life. And then things began to change. For she got along with the girls in her house, and soon with the boys as well. Those same boys who had taunted and bullied Severus for who he was and she had been the one slowly distancing herself by willingly forgetting it. Sure she had tried to help him when James had hexed him that day by the lake. But how long had it been since they had last talked? Really talked, like they used to?

The truth was, she had been selfish. She had been his only friend, the only bastion against the rest of the world. She had grown greedy and decided she enjoyed the company of her fellow Gryffindors better than she did the lonesome Slytherin. That she didn’t have to be around the skinny, socially awkward boy with a reputation slowly and further tainted by the Dark arts, who associated with all the wrong people and insulted others based on their blood-status.

Lily breathed out as she felt another contraction coming. Oh dear Merlin, it was becoming incredibly difficult not to push. She had to dig her fingernails in Severus’ palm to avoid crying again. She. Would. NOT. Cry.

Although, she almost could have when Poppy announced, to Lily’s glorious relief that she was at ten centimeters and could start pushing.

And push she did. It was excruciating, draining and fucking atrocious altogether. But she had done it once, she’d do it again. She’d do it a thousand times if it meant meeting her little one. There had been nothing comparable to the elation, pure bliss and unconditional love she had been submerged with the first time she had laid eyes on her Harry. The pain, the exhaustion? It was entirely worth it, and she’d endure it over and over again if necessary.

It felt like hours had passed, days, weeks even… Like time itself had decided to play another trick on her and after reducing seven months to the blink of an eye, it fancied slowing hours into years.

She was on the brink of exhaustion when she heard it. When suddenly, the room filled with the shrill cry of a newborn taking its breath for the very first time. And Lily breathed with them. Because they were here, and she was going to meet them.

“Congratulations Lily,” Poppy declared, her voice suspiciously strangled. She got up, holding a little bundle – how had she gotten the time to transfigure a blanket was beyond Lily – and approaching her. Lily quickly tried to sit up, barely noticing the helping hand she received from her side as her eyes were glued to the bundle. “You have a beautiful baby girl.”

Lily laughed, hot tears rolling down her cheeks as she got to hold her little girl for the very first time. She was perfect.

“Hello,” she murmured through her tears, and a small but no less radiant smile on her face. “Hello baby girl. I’m so happy to meet you.” The little girl scrunched up her face, letting out a few wails as she moved her hands around a little. “Oh no no no, don’t cry; mummy’s here.” She rocked a daughter gently while keeping her close to her chest, bending to kiss the little head. “You’re safe and sound, I promise. Mummy will always protect you.”

Lily swallowed even as she said those words. They reminisced something that seemed to have disappeared from her memory…something she shouldn’t have forgotten. Now that all the excitement was over and that she was holding her baby safe and healthy in her arms, her brain was flaring up in alarms. She looked up to Severus for a second, before taking in the room around her. Poppy. Minerva. Albus. Severus.

She took in a sharp intake of breath, her heart seemingly caught up in her throat. Something wasn’t right. She opened her mouth, willing the words to come out but all that did was shaky breath and a lonely traitorous tear.

“Where-“ she had to swallow the lump in her throat as she looked between her former headmaster and head of house. “Where is James?”

She knew. Even as she said the words she knew. If Severus was here, if James wasn’t and if she was alive and now a mother of two, then that meant…

She didn’t miss the looks on Minerva and Albus’ face. She didn’t miss the sudden tension in the room. Neither did her daughter for she started crying softly. Lily looked down, escaping the answer she could read written across their expressions and in the glances they threw at each other.

“Hey baby girl,” she cooed, her voice wet with unshed tears, before shushing her very softly, rocking her along. “It’s ok, Mummy’s alright, I’m here.” She repeated this like a mantra through the tears that she couldn’t hold back anymore. She could barely talk around the lump in her throat, the gaping hole her chest, and the queasy feeling in her stomach.

He was gone.

He’d never meet the second of ‘the best gift he could ever hope for’. She sobbed and looked skywards, rocking herself back and forth just as much as she did her baby girl. He was gone, and she’d never see him again. He would never see Harry and his daughter grow up, he’d never grow old with her. He was gone and she felt broken. Through the joy of meeting her little one, she had to face the anguish of his loss. It assaulted her like a tidal wave, like she was caught in the midst of an unrelenting cyclone, pushing her, twisting her, and leaving her gasping for breath. For that’s what it was. She suddenly felt like his absence left her incapable of breathing. He’d been her anchor, her person. And now she was lost at sea, in complete darkness.

She didn’t know how long she kept on crying, sobbing her heart out until it was sore and bruised and broken. She had relented her hold on her baby girl to Poppy for her to examine her properly some time ago, and now she felt drained.

No more tears came. Her eyes felt itchy and puffy, and her nose was running. She had a pounding headache and every limb was as heavy as lead. Even her breathing was ragged and slow. The colors faded on the edge of her visions, the shape blurred and her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

She thought she heard something… someone…call her. Didn’t they? Maybe she had dreamed it… Yes. Maybe if she closed her eyes, it would all go away. No more pain, no more sorrow… It would all disappear and she would be alright. Just for a little while-

*

“Lily? Lily!”

The cry of alarm got the attention of the remaining assembly. Minerva was ordered next to the baby while the matron rushed to her patient’s side.

“Lily, stay with us! Please! Lily!” Severus was crying out, shaking her by her shoulder, his face distorted with anguish.

Poppy went for the magical signature first and as she feared, as they had all feared, it was withering, her magical core fading slowly. There was a moment. An indescribable moment that seemed suspended out of time, when all around her faded and when the harrowing realization crashed down on her. A moment when she didn’t know what to do. When the suddenly imminent and inexorable end of a girl she had thought saved, crashed upon the matron and she couldn’t breathe.

Opposite her, Severus was panicking. Lily wasn’t answering anymore. She looked like she had lost consciousness. He could feel her pulse, but it was weak. He knew damn well what that meant. Poppy seemed frozen in place and it was the last nail in the coffin. Lily was dying. Her magical core had indeed solely been supported by the baby and now that she was born, there was nothing holding Lily onto the right bank of life.

“Don’t you dare,” he screamed, frantic and crazed, cradling her face in his hands. “Damn it! Lily, wake up!”

A spur of a moment realization took a hold on his thoughts and before he had even comprehended what it told him to do, he had a flask of the latest version of his Elixir, the one that had most strengthened Lily’s magical signature in the past weeks. It couldn’t hurt. She would be dead in a few minutes anyway, he couldn’t lose the last chance he had to try and do something about it. Grabbing his wand, he spelled the potion in her stomach, and when for the reanimation charm. Her body seized up, before going lax against the soaked sheets. He hit her again with the spell. Again, her body jumped up and slumped down.

How many times he tried, Severus didn’t know. Only than by the end of it, he fell to his knees, exhausted to the point he couldn’t perform any spells, let alone this one. He slumped forward, out of breath and silently crying.

They had failed. They had gotten her back for a mere few hours and now she was gone. Gone for good-

He snapped his head up at the slow intake of breath, vision blurred by the fat tears in his eyes. He shakily tried to get up, grabbing the edge of the bed to hoist himself on his legs like a baby deer on ice. Once up, he rubbed his hands over his eyes, attempting to clear his vision.

His heart stopped. For when it did clear, he was met with brilliant, blinking, alive, green eyes.