Pause and Restart

T: Are you almost here? The ceremony is starting soon.

C: Right outside.

Casey shoved her phone into her pocket and picked up her pace, lightly jogging towards the high school gymnasium. It had been ten long years since her own graduation, and the familiar sight of the building stirred a mix of nostalgia and excitement within her. She could hardly believe she was returning as a speaker, but it was Thaddeus, Izzie’s brother, who invited her. She had been meaning to return to Newton, and this became the perfect opportunity for her to do so.

As someone greeted her and directed her backstage, she could hear the music cueing the starting of the ceremony. Heart racing, she paced back and forth, mentally rehearsing her speech. Public speaking had become easier over the years, but it still wasn’t exactly her forte.

She stopped pacing when the announcer called out Thaddeus’ name as the valedictorian. A proud smile spread across her face. The little boy she had known had grown up into a remarkable young man. She knew Izzie had given up everything to raise him, and she couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride watching him stand in front of the school as valedictorian.

It had been eight long years since Izzie left her, yet their memories remained etched in her mind. She could still remember the way the girl would jump whenever she was startled, her habit of biting her lip, and how she always curled up as the little spoon in their bed. Those memories lived rent-free in her mind, a sweet reminder of what was once was. She missed her deeply – more than she had ever allowed herself to admit, and it took every ounce of her strength not to come back and see her.

Casey’s heart thumped loudly in her chest as she thought about what Izzie would be like now. Would she still have the same infectious laugh? Would the same spark light up in her eyes? Casey had kept in touch with Thaddeus, who provided occasional updates about Izzie, but they were mere informational updates. She had purposely asked him not to send any pictures, knowing that seeing her face would be far too tempting.

She watched as Thaddeus delivered his speech with confidence, captivating the audience with his witty words as if he were born to do this. He reminded her of Izzie, who had also excelled at public speaking. It was clear that the talent ran in the family – like brother, like sister.

The audience erupted in applause, and just as quickly as it had begun, Thaddeus’ speech was over. Casey’s heart raced in her chest as the principal announced her name as the next speaker. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out from behind the curtain, waving to the crowd as their cheers filled the room.

“Well, hello there Newton High,” she said, trying to get the crowd going. “Are you all excited to be graduating?”

She paused as there was more cheering and whistling from the group of graduates.

“My name is Casey Gardner, as many of you already know, and I went to Newton High. Believe it or not, I was standing here ten years ago.” She paused. “Well, not here here, like on this stage because I was absolutely nowhere close to valedictorian.”

There were a few chuckles which made her smile.

“I mean, I was sitting in one of those awfully uncomfortable chairs, waiting for my name to be called. But as uncomfortable as it was, when I look back at my life, my years in high school have been some of my best years.”

She smiled.

“I met so many people here; people who have influenced me and changed me, people who have pushed me to do better, people I will never forget because they have made an everlasting impression on me.” Her eyes briefly scanned the audience, looking for a specific face, but she couldn’t find her.

“If I’m being honest, I don’t think I enjoyed school as much as I enjoyed school life. Hanging out with my friends, or running on the tracks – those were the highlights of my day back then. And standing here today, I want you to know that dreams can come true, but they require grit and perseverance. If I had given up back then, I would’ve never achieved what I have today. So if you’re feeling beat up, feeling like you want to give up, just hang in there. It will be worth it one day. Your dream will come true. And sure, you may have to sacrifice some things on the way – free time, comfort, or even loved ones-…” Her throat suddenly felt dry.

“But if you truly believe that what you’re doing is important, then go for it. Run towards your dreams when you’re young, and once you’ve achieved your dream, you can set new goals for yourself – new dreams. Each and every one of you have the potential to make your dreams a reality. Whether you want to excel in sports, academics, the arts, or any other field, don’t forget that hard work and passion are the keys to success. Surround yourselves with people who inspire you and challenge you to make you better. Take risks and don’t be afraid of failure.

She took a deep breath.

“As you finish your journey at Newton High, I encourage you to dream big. Set goals that scare you, goals that will bring you a bit of pain, and then go after them with everything you’ve got. And remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Lean on your friends, family, mentors, significant other. They’ll always be there for you, and will become your greatest source of power.”

She smiled at the crowd one last time.

“Thank you for welcoming me back here today. I can’t wait to see how each of you will shine in your own unique way. Keep dreaming, keep striving, and always believe in yourselves! You can do anything you set your mind to! Thank you!”

The gymnasium roared with applause, and she took it as a sign that they either appreciated her speech or were being really polite. Bowing her head slightly in gratitude, she retreated backstage, her heart slowing back down to its usual speed.

The ceremony continued and the graduates’ names started being called out. As much as she wanted to stay, she couldn’t because she had an important meeting set up and couldn’t afford to be late. She wished she could see Thaddeus walk the stage, and congratulate him in person, but he had already returned to his seat among his friends as they waited for their names to be called out.

Instead, she pulled out her phone and found the chat she had with Thaddeus.

C: Gotta go to a meeting so can’t stay around and congratulate you in person… but congratulations lil bro! You survived and you EXCELLED! Your speech was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! Have fun with your friends tonight at whatever party you’re going to!

She was about to put her phone away, but decided to add one more thing.

C: And if all goes well, see you soon?

*          *          *

Casey stepped into the bar, quickly scanning the area with her eyes. Her meeting had run much later than she had expected, and when her acquaintances suggested going out for drinks, she immediately suggested this place – the bar Thaddeus told her Izzie worked at.

Her eyes finally found Izzie behind the bar, and a smile broke across her face before she even realized it. Izzie looked just as she had all those years ago, and the sight of her stirred a rush of memories and emotions. Seeing her in person made her heart race, and she still felt so drawn to her.

Casey and her group made their way over to an empty table. It took all her strength not to steal glances as Izzie. She wanted to wait for the perfect moment to approach her.

The group started chatting again, but Casey wasn’t really listening. She found herself staring blankly at the empty spot in front of her, lost in her thoughts. Memories of Izzie danced in her mind.

Eight Years Ago

“Dropping out?” Casey repeated. She was taken aback, but then nodded understandingly, gripping the girl’s hand firmly. “Of course. That makes sense. I’ll drop out with you. We’ll go back together.”

Izzie withdrew her hand, shaking her head. “No,” her voice quivered with hurt. “You can’t.”

“Wh-what?” She watched as tears rolled off the girl’s cheek.

“I don’t want to be the reason you don’t do the things you want to do.”

“Izzie-…” Her voice broke, tears now forming in her eyes too.

“I’m sorry,” she said, before turning around and walking out.

“No…” Casey wanted to chase after her, to pull her back and hug her, but she was frozen in her spot. They had worked so hard to get into UCLA and had so many dreams together, but all of it seemed to vanish in that second.

Her hand went to her chest as she leaned against the wall, crying. Her heart was aching so badly that she thought she would faint. Sure, she had been heart-broken before, but not like this. Not this badly. This felt like someone had ripped her heart out, ran it through the paper shredder and shredded it to a million pieces before burning it.

She took several deep breaths to calm down, but the room started to spin around her and she had to sit down. Hugging her knees close to her chest, she buried her face in them, feeling like the world had ended.

She must’ve fallen asleep from the crying and it was several hours later when she regained consciousness. It had gotten dark outside, and without the lights on in their room, it was pitch black.

Deep down, Casey knew that Izzie only wanted what was best for her, and that her decision to walk away was the right one.

But it still hurt.

It hurt so much that it was unbearable.

“Izzie?” she called out, hoping that she would get a reply.

No one responded.

No one ran into her arms.

She felt empty, like she wasn’t herself… like a piece of her soul was missing.

She would’ve gone back to Connecticut with her. She would’ve happily gone to college at Denton with Izzie while helping her take care of her siblings. But when Izzie walked away from her, she finally understood something.

It wasn’t about what she wanted. She couldn’t be so selfish and just think of what she wanted, what she thought would help Izzie.

She stood up slowly, the blood rushing to her head as her fingers fumbled for the light switch. When she finally hit the switch, the lights came on, temporarily blinding her.

If Izzie wanted some space, then Casey would respect that. She’ll stay here and work towards her dream just like Izzie wanted her to. Then, once she was ready, she would go back for her and give her the chance to live her dream too.

Granted, she had never expected her dream to take eight years. She never wanted to wait so long to return home. After winning her bronze medal in her first Olympics, she was content, and wanted to come back and find Izzie, to reconnect with the girl who had always believed in her. But everyone around her insisted that she was at the peak of her career, urging her not to quit when more success was within reach.

They were right, of course. She channeled all of her energy into her training in the upcoming four years, and in her next Olympics, she claimed the gold. Now that she had the gold medal draped around her neck, she finally felt ready to chase the connection she had longed for all these years. It had taken her eight years, but she knew that this time, nothing would hold her back. She had done everything she wanted to, and now she was ready to get her girl back.

“What do you think, Casey?” one of the woman sitting with her asked.

She hadn’t really been listening since she was so deep in thoughts. “I think I need a drink. I’ll let you know when I come back.” She got up, and made her way over to the bar. She caught Izzie moving towards the other side, and wasn’t sure if she was avoiding her. She approached the bar, accidentally bumping into a drunk guy standing there.

“Aren’t you that Olympics track star?” he asked in between hiccups.

“I am that Olympic track star,” she repeated. She was used to people recognizing her by now.

“Sweet. I’d love to buy you a drink, cutie.”

She tilted her head with a slight frown. “Mmm, thank you, but I have a girlfriend.” She would’ve normally said something snarky back at him, but he was drunk, and tonight wasn’t the night to start things. She had more important things to do.

The guy muttered something under his breath, and moved away to find another girl to hit on.

“Can I get a beer?” she asked one of the bartenders. When she glanced around the bar again, she noticed that Izzie was no longer there. “I’ll come back for it in a second.”

She squeezed past a group of people, making her way to the back. The back was dimly lit, obviously not intended for customers to see, but she didn’t care. If this was her only chance to talk to Izzie, she’d take it. She found her inside a room, leaning against the wall and taking deep breaths. Casey felt butterflies in her stomach. It had been years, yet just being near Izzie ignited a warmth that spread through her chest.

“Hey Izzie.”

She saw the girl jump at the sound of her voice. “Jesus Newton, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” she blurted out, before bursting out into laughter.

Casey couldn’t help but smile back. This felt just like the old times when she would scare her for fun. Izzie had stopped calling her “Newton” and started calling her “Casey” after they started dating, but she could never get away from saying “Jesus Newton” whenever Casey made her jump. The words had a hint of nostalgia, and she couldn’t help but think about their time together.

But the moment was over almost immediately. “Casey.” Izzie’s face became serious.

“How have you been?”

“Good. The same.”

Casey took a few steps towards the girl, but Izzie moved back immediately, unwilling to close the space between them.

“No.”

She couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. “Iz, please.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Please.”

She looked into Casey’s eyes, and Casey could see that she was still hurting. It brought her slight relief though; at least she knew that Izzie still cared for her.

“I just want to talk… just hear me out, please?”

When Izzie didn’t respond, she mustered up her courage and continued. “I’m sorry for what happened back then… and I’m sorry we never had a chance to talk about it. I wanted to-… I wanted to so badly, but…”

Her eyes made Izzie’s.

“I knew I had to wait.” She gulped. “I was so hurt when you left me back then… but deep down, I knew you were right. I was so immature – I thought that loving and being with you mattered more than anything else in the world. I thought that if we were together, we could conquer anything. All I wanted was to hold on to our relationship. I couldn’t see the bigger picture then… we were on different paths, and staying together would’ve trapped us in something that would’ve broken us both.”

There was a moment of silence, and then Izzie muttered something that sounded like “Okay.”

“But we’ve been separated for 8 years, 3 months, 17 days, and almost 6 hours now,” she said.

Yes, she had been keeping track. It sounded crazy, but she missed the girl a lot and she counted the days until they could be together again. She took another deep breath, and stepped closer to Izzie until she was standing in front of her. “I miss what we had,” she finally said. “I don’t want to be separated anymore.”

Izzie looked at her again, her eyes glossy, and Casey felt herself being drawn in by the girl. The same feeling she longed for came back to her. It made her all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

“I’m not good for you,” Izzie said softly. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t do the things you want to do.”

Those were the exact words Izzie had said to her all those years ago. It had hurt her so much then, but she gradually started to understand them.

She exhaled again and reached out to take Izzie’s hands in hers. “I’ve done everything I want to do,” she started to say, “The only thing missing from my life is you.” Her lips curved into a smile as she looked into the girl’s eyes. “All these years, you were my motivation, Iz. I thought about you in every race I ran, thinking that the faster I ran, the sooner I could get back to you. Every finish line was a reminder of what I was running for, and it was always you.”

Izzie’s mouth dropped opened slightly.

“I’m retiring from track, and coming back to Connecticut to be an athletic advisor,” she added. “We’ll be close again.” This had been in the talks for months now and they had planned to announce it in the upcoming school year.

“What about the Olympics?”

“I’m done with that. I want to do something smaller, something that will help our community.”

“Case, all you’ve ever wanted was to leave this town… I don’t want to hold you back. I can’t be the reason you stay here and waste your talents.”

“That was what I wanted when I was younger. I’ve changed, Izzie. And you never held me back. You only pushed me to do better, even if it meant you got hurt from it. I never forgot about you, and I promised myself that I would do everything I want to do, and then I would come back for you so that you could do the things you want to do.” She leaned in, touching her forehead with Izzie’s. “We made a forehead promise, remember? I promised to take care of you.”

She could see Izzie’s eyes welling up. “I can’t believe this,” the girl said, her voice quivering. “Am I dreaming?” A tear rolled down her cheek.

Casey reached up, brushing it away. “It’s real. You’ve always been the one for me. I always knew it.”

Izzie laughed a little through her tears. “I just heard you tell a guy outside you had a girlfriend.”

“I do. You’re my girlfriend. We never broke up officially, we were just on a pause. I always knew we would be together again. I tell everyone I have a girlfriend.”

“An eight year pause?”

She shrugged, and watched as tears continue to roll off Izzie’s face as she laughed. “So what do you say?” She reached out and tilted the girl’s chin up so that they could look into each other’s eyes. “Will you have me back?”

She saw Izzie exhale and her face soften as she leaned in, sobbing. A smile spread across Casey’s face and she planted a kiss on the girl’s head. “I’ll take care of you,” Casey said, gently stroking Izzie’s hair. “I’ll be your support system now.”

The girl nodded, and Casey felt like everything had been worth it. All those years of longing and pain led to this moment. This was what she had wanted – to be back in Izzie’s arms, their two hearts beating as one.

“And if I don’t, remember that verbal agreements are legally binding and you can sue me at any time.” She chuckled.

Izzie pulled back with a smile. “You remember.” She bit her lip while looking into Casey’s eyes, and her heart started racing again. She missed this feeling so much.

“Of course I remember.” She cupped Izzie’s face and brushed a thumb across her cheek gently. “I remember everything about us.” When she saw Izzie’s curve up, she leaned in, kissing her softly.

The girl put her arms around Casey’s neck, returning the kiss with more passion, making Casey smile even wider.

It felt so right.

Everything finally felt so right in her life.