Pause and Restart

Izzie woke up with a smile the next morning. She could feel Casey’s arms wrapped tightly around her waist as she breathed softly next to her. They had returned to her apartment after her shift ended last night, and had wild, animalistic sex. It had been so long, and they both climaxed multiple times before their bodies gave in to the fatigue and they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

She glanced at her alarm clock, realizing that it was already 8. Her shift at the donut shop started at 9 today so as much as she didn’t want to, she had to get up for work.

Izzie tried to get out of bed without waking Casey, but she failed. At the first sign of movement, Casey groaned and pulled Izzie’s body closer to her. “No, don’t go.”

Izzie giggled. “I’m hungry and I have to work.”

Casey lifted her head up a little, kissing the nape of Izzie’s neck. “I can give you something to eat,” she said softly in between kisses.

Izzie giggled louder and leaned into her kisses for a few moments before turning to look at her. “As tempting as that may be, don’t you have things to do?”

“Yes, I do. You.” She leaned in to kiss Izzie again. She could never get tired of this.

Izzie kissed her back for bit, but then pulled away again. “Seriously, I have to go to work soon.”

Casey groaned. “Fineee… but we will continue this.” She lifted her head up and looked around the room for her clothes. “Can I borrow something to wear? I don’t want to be in that suit all day.”

Izzie traced some circles on Casey’s arm. “I like your suit.”

Casey raised an eyebrow. “Do you like me without it?” She smirked.

“Mhhmmm.” She pulled the girl down and kissed her again, enjoying the taste of her soft lips. “You can take something from my closet.”

“Thank you.” Casey got up and walked to the closet. As she pulls one of Izzie’s shirts over her head, she felt the fabric stretch tight against her torso, revealing her midriff. She glanced in the mirror and a chuckle escapes her lips as she tugs on the shirt that was obviously way too small for her.

“I can’t believe you got taller.” Izzie rolled her eyes, slightly annoyed that Casey was now a few more inches taller than her. “Look in the back. Some of Thaddy’s clothes might be in there.”

Casey reached into the back and pulled out a soft navy blue hoodie. She slipped off Izzie’s shirt and put it on. The hoodie was a bit too big for her, but it felt much better than the tight shirt. When she turned to look at Izzie again, she saw that the girl was already dressed.

They walked out of the room together, and made their way to the living room where Sardonna was sitting in front of the TV with Ulysses, feeding him soup.

Casey froze in her steps, not sure how to approach the children. Her eyes darted to Izzie who pursed her lips together, but didn’t say anything.

“Casey,” Sardonna said calmly, without even looking at her.

“Wow, Donna, warm welcome. It’s like I never left.”

Izzie rolled her eyes and left Casey to mingle with Sardonna while she went into the kitchen to find food.

Sardonna turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. “My room is next to Izzie’s, and I sleep late. I heard you two come in together last night. Heard a lot of coming actually.”

Casey felt her cheeks redden as Izzie returned from the kitchen with a box of cereal in her hands. She looked at Casey who had turned pink, and raised an eyebrow. “What?” she asked, shoving a mouthful of cereal into her mouth.

“Just that I was awake when you two came home last night, and I heard everything, and I know Casey stayed the night.” Sardonna turned to her sister. “Now do you see why you need to buy me those noise-cancelling headphones?” She smirked at her sister before feeding her brother another spoonful of soup.

“Nope, not going there.” Izzie turned around and went right back to the kitchen.

Casey went over the sofa, and knelt down next to Ulysses. “Hi Uly, remember me?” She reached out and took the child’s hand in hers gently. “He was only around two when I last saw him?”

Sardonna nodded. “He doesn’t remember you. I mean, I barely remember you and I was seven.”

“That’s great to hear, Donna. Great to hear.” She knew the girl was just messing with her. Sardonna actually reminded her of the Izzie she first met at Clayton. That Izzie had been brutally mean to her, but they eventually grew on each other and became the best of friends.

“Hey Uly, my name’s Casey.” She shook the child’s hand gently. “Nice to see you again.”

The boy just blinked back at her.

“He can’t talk much,” Sardonna said with a hint of sadness in her voice. “He can understand you, but the only words he knows are our names.”

Casey smiled. She could tell that Sardonna cared for her brother a lot too. Casey got up and was about to go find Izzie in the kitchen, when she turned back to look at the girl. “Donna, what are you up to today?”

“I will be on the internet.”

Casey raised an eyebrow. “Lovely.” Then she headed into the kitchen where Izzie was busy making something on the stove. “What are doing?”

“Preparing some food for Donna and Uly,” she said, stirring the pot with one hand and taking another fistful of cereal to her mouth with her other.

“Is it just Donna watching Uly in the summer?” Casey asked.

“Not just her. Thaddy does sometimes, but he has basketball practice today and won’t be home until later.”

“Want me to watch them? I can take them to the mall.”

“Don’t you have plans?”

“Well, I’m having dinner with Evan and his daughter tonight, but I’m free during the day.”

“Evan has a daughter?” She laughed. She had not seen him in forever.

“Ya. She’s four years old, and super cute. Little Cassie.”

She turned to Casey, her eyes narrowed. “Her name is Cassie? Did he, like, name her after you?”

Casey chuckled. “Are you jealous?”

“No,” she replied, “It’s just weird to name your daughter after your ex-girlfriend.”

“No, he didn’t. His wife’s name is Alissandra. His daughter’s name is Cassandra, but we call her Cassie for short. It has nothing to do with me, even though I am also super cute.” She beamed at Izzie who made a puking face back at her. “So can I take the kids to the mall?” She walked up to the stove to see what Izzie was cooking. It didn’t too look appetizing. “I can also feed them… at a restaurant.”

Izzie elbowed Casey in the stomach. She was not the best cook, but her food was edible. “Will you be okay with Uly?” That was her biggest concern. The boy required a lot of extra attention, and it could be a lot for someone who wasn’t used to watching him.

“I think so. Donna knows what he needs right?” When Izzie nodded, Casey nodded back. “I’ll be sure to run things by her first then.”

“Okay, just promise me you’ll watch him, okay? Sometimes he doesn’t do so well outside.”

“Of course. Don’t worry.” She kissed the girl on the cheek. “Do you want to meet us at the mall after your shift and then we can all go home together?”

“Sure.”

*          *          *

Two hours later, Casey, Sardonna, and Ulysses were at the mall. Casey pushed the wheelchair, giving Sardonna the chance to roam freely. The girl tried not to show it, but Casey could tell that she was excited to be out. She probably didn’t go out much because of her responsibilities at home. Ulysses also looked really happy to be out and made a noise whenever they passed by something vibrant.

Their first stop was an art store. Sardonna went in excitedly, mumbling something that Casey didn’t quite understand. She and Ulysses hung out in the art books section while the girl browsed the store.

They ended up spending an hour in the store, and Casey was reminded of how her brother would often spend long periods of time at the art stores to look for the perfect supplies.

An hour later, Sardonna came back to her, empty-handed and Casey raised an eyebrow. “What happened? You didn’t see anything you liked?”

The girl shrugged, eyes falling to the ground.

It then hit Casey that the girl probably didn’t have any money. Izzie must’ve made just enough money to get by which meant that they didn’t have money for extracurricular activities. “Hey, it’s okay. Go pick out the things you want.”

Sardonna’s eyes went to hers, but she didn’t say anything. She must’ve had too much pride to ask Casey to buy things for her.

“Donna,” Casey said. “You do know I’m an Olympic gold medalist, right?”

“Yeah? So?”

“Let me tell you a secret about Olympic champions.” Her voice dropped. “We are millionaires. So please go and buy something so we don’t have to walk out of this store empty-handed after spending an hour here.” She reached into her pocket and pulled out a black credit card. “Go nuts.”

Sardonna took the card, and a smile appeared on her face. When Casey gave her a confirming nod, she walked away excitedly to collect her items.

She came back with only one bag, but she was content. “Thanks,” she said.

“You’re very welcome. Do you like to draw?”

The girl hesitated for a second, but decided to respond since Casey had been so kind to her. “Yes. I sell my work on Etsy. My shop name is Sardonic Donna.”

Casey chuckled. “I expected nothing less from you.”

Their next stop was a clothing store where Sardonna picked out a few things for herself, and Casey picked out a few items for Ulysses. She actually enjoyed shopping with the kids. It was less stressful than shopping for herself.

Their last stop before lunch was Best Buy. Casey marched right up to the counter asking for the best pair of noise-cancelling headphones. She was purchasing these for her and Izzie’s sake. She wanted to make sure that none of the kids could hear anything the next time she and Izzie made love. She ended getting 4 pairs, one for each of the kids, and one for Izzie. She also asked Sardonna to help pick out a graduation gift for Thaddeus, and they ended up buying him a new laptop for college.

They decided on the Cheesecake Factory for lunch and Casey ordered so much food that the waiter had to move them to a bigger table.

“You know my sister won’t be happy about this, right?”

“What, that I’m spoiling you two?”

“Uh, yeah. She never lets us do this.” Sardonna twirled her pasta with her fork.

“It’s not like we’re doing this every day. This is a special treat.”

Sardonna looked like she wanted to say more, but she didn’t.

Casey put down her spoon, and looked at the girl. “Donna, I know things have been tough for you guys… but it’ll get better, okay? It’s not going to be like that forever.”

Sardonna shrugged. “I don’t mind it.”

Casey smiled. “Of course. I know you guys love Izzie even when you don’t show it.” She reached out and touched her arm. “But listen, I’m here for you guys too, okay? You can rely on me if you need to. I know it’s been a while, but I love you guys too.”

“Yeah…” The truth was, she did remember Casey. As a small child, she had cherished the moments they spent together. Whenever her older brother bullied her, or when tears streamed down her face, it was Casey who would swoop in, lifting her up and comforting her. At times, she felt like Casey was more of her sister than Izzie, because Izzie always focused on Thaddeus and Ulysses more. Being in Casey’s arms had made her feel safe, like she had a protector at home. When Izzie came back from UCLA, Sardonna had repeatedly asked her when Casey would be visiting them again. For a long while, she thought that Casey, like their mother, had abandoned them, and she was angry at her. It wasn’t until much later that she understood what had happened.

“Oh my god,” a voice from behind exclaimed.

They turned around and saw Izzie coming up to them, her mouth slightly open. “Did you guys order one of everything on the menu?”

Casey chuckled. “No, but I wanted to. Do you know what I ate while I was training for the Olympics? Nothing. Obviously I’m going to indulge myself now.” She picked up an egg roll and bit into it happily.

Izzie had finished her shift at the donut shop, and Casey had texted her to meet them at the Cheesecake Factory. She was in shock when she saw that the three of them were seated at a six person table, and the entire table was full of food.

She sat down next to Ulysses, and immediately checked to make sure he was okay. Casey had been feeding him mashed potatoes which he seemed to enjoy. “Wow, you guys plan on bringing the whole mall home?” She observed the mountain of bags shoved under the table. She looked at Casey with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh, we’re just getting started,” Casey said. She winked at Sardonna who managed to crack a smile, but then quickly looked away when she felt her sister narrowing her eyes at her.

*          *          *

They got back home at around 6PM with more bags than they could carry. Ulysses had fallen asleep so Izzie took him back to the room and tucked him in, leaving Casey and Sardonna to carry in the bags.

“Thanks again for today,” Sardonna said. “It was fun…”

“You’re very welcome.” The two stood there awkwardly. “Are you going to hug me?” Casey asked.

The girl raised an eyebrow. “Uh… do you want a hug?”

“Sure, why not?” She opened her arms, and Sardonna reluctantly went to her, hugging her softly. “I mean it Donna,” Casey whispered to her. “You know you can always come to me for anything, right?”

Sardonna nodded, and didn’t say anything back for a minute. “You’ll stick around this time then?” she finally asked softly.

Casey smiled and hugged the girl tighter. “Yes, you’re stuck with me until you can’t stand me anymore.”

Izzie walked out of the room and froze. “What in the world…” she said when she saw Casey hugging Sardonna. “Sardonna, I tried to touch you the other day and you acted like I was contagious. How are you hugging Casey now?”

Sardonna wiggled out of Casey’s grasp. “You’re right. It was a moment of weakness.” She shook her head, and turned away to go to her room.

“Bye Donna. Love ya,” Casey shouted out with a chuckle. When Sardonna’s door slammed shut, she turned to Izzie. “Now why did you have to ruin the moment for us?” She held her arms out again. “Now I need someone else to hug.”

Izzie rolled her eyes, but went to Casey’s arms, allowing the girl to embrace her for a second before she walked into the living room to collect the shopping bags they had left out. She dug through them, pulling out items like headphones, laptops, clothes, art supplies, snacks.

“Casey…” she said, sitting down on the sofa. “You shouldn’t have…” She looked at the girl with sadness in her eyes. Casey had gotten the kids so much stuff; things that they have wanted for so long, but Izzie couldn’t afford. “You must’ve spent so much money today…”

Casey went over and sat next to her, taking Izzie’s hand in hers. “I wanted to.” She smiled. “I missed hanging out with the kids.”

“We’re not a charity case…” It hurt so much Izzie to say this. She knew that Casey only wanted to make sure they were taken care of, that they had everything they needed. Yet, in the midst of that kindness, Izzie felt a familiar weight settle in her chest – the feeling of being a burden, a feeling that had shadowed her throughout her childhood. Izzie couldn’t shake the feeling that her own struggles and needs were an inconvenience. Each time she felt this way, it reignited that old wound, making her question whether she truly belonged with Casey, or if she was just holding her back.

“That’s not what it is,” Casey said with a frown.

Throughout all these years, this remained the biggest problem in their relationship. Izzie constantly felt like she was a burden, or holding Casey back even if that was never the case. 

“You know I love you, right? I mean, I’m pretty sure we both said I love you multiple times last night, but I really meant it. I love you so much, Izzie, and I’ve always loved you. Don’t you ever think that you and your family are a burden to me. You guys are a blessing to me, not a burden.”

Casey would tell her this every time she felt this way, but it didn’t stop her from feeling bad. “I just feel like I can’t contribute as much to you as you can to me and my family…” she said, looking down at their hands.

“That’s nonsense. You gave me so much. You’re the reason I could fulfill my dreams, remember?” She leaned in and kissed Izzie on the cheek. “I know you were really hurt after we separated,” she added. “It couldn’t have been easy for you either. I would’ve happily dropped out of UCLA to come back with you, but you didn’t let me. Instead, you chose to walk away so that I could live my dream… even if it meant you had to hurt in silence. That’s really brave, you know?”

She gripped Izzie’s hand tightly.

“Without you, I don’t think I would’ve made it. So please, let me take care of you and support you now. It’s what you deserve, and what I want.” When Izzie didn’t reply, Casey looked at her more seriously. “I know we just got back together, but I need you to know something…” She took a deep breath. “I’m all-in in our relationship. We’re still young, but one day… one day, I’m going to marry you, okay?”

Izzie looked back at her, her pupils dilating. She had always dreamt of being with Casey, but she had never thought about marriage. The topic never came up.

“And I know you don’t need labels on our relationship or anything like that, but I want you to know that your family is my family too. I love them and will take care of them, just like I love you and will take care of you.” She brought their hands to her lips. “And you can’t say no, okay?”

Izzie’s lips curved up. Casey’s words were so sweet, and as usual she was under her spell. “Are you sure? We’re a lot to handle.” She bit her lip. “We’re not easy.”

“I don’t want easy,” Casey said softly. “I only want Izzie.” She leaned in kissing Izzie on the lips again.

Izzie kissed her back, holding her face gently. “I won’t say no, you know,” she said, pulling back. She bit her lip while looking shyly at Casey. “When you ask me.”

Casey smiled and let out a breath of relief. “I know.” She leaned in to kiss the girl again, pushing her down to the sofa. “Wait, wait.” Casey pulled back and scanned the shopping bags scattered across the floor. She reached into one of them and pulled out a big box which contained a set of noise-cancelling headphones. “Let me go give these to Sardonna first.” She smirked. “She’ll be needing them.”

Izzie face-palmed herself in embarrassment as she watched Casey dash away.

Forever always seemed like an abstract concept to her, but in this moment, she understood it. Casey was her forever. Her perfect forever.