Pause and Restart

Izzie sat nervously in the gymnasium, gripping her phone tightly as the rows of seats filled with friends and families gathering to celebrate the momentous occasion. The air buzzed with excitement, laughter, and rustling of programs. It had been ten years since she last set foot in Newton High, not since Casey’s graduation, and the memories flooded back to her in waves.

The gymnasium looked almost exactly as she remembered it: the wooden floors scratched, the bright fluorescent lights hanging high from the ceiling, the stage filled with cheap plastic chairs. The walls were filled with colorful banners, and at the front stage, a new sign saying “Congratulations Graduates” hung in bold, festive lettering. She couldn’t believe how much time had passed and she was now back to attend the graduation of her younger brother, Thaddeus, at Newton High.

The chatter around her gradually began to fade, as the music swelled, and the principal took to the stage. He made a few opening statements that she didn’t really listen to, and then another person from administration took the stage. She clapped after each speech, but when her brother finally stepped onto the stage to deliver his valedictorian speech, her cheers erupted from deep within her. She saw Thaddeus turn in her direction, his confidence radiating as he adjusted the microphone, and grinned at them.

The boy was almost 18 now, a young man transformed from the child who once followed her everywhere. He was taller than her now, his shoulders broader, and there was a confidence in his stride that hadn’t been there before. Life had asked much of him, and he had stepped up in ways she never imagined. Balancing the responsibilities of caring for their younger siblings, he managed to juggle schoolwork, basketball practice, and a part-time job as a tutor. It was a remarkable feat for someone his age. He had become a mature and caring individual, and Izzie was so proud of him.

Her sister, Sardonna, sat next to her, looking at her brother attentively. At 15, she was at that awkward yet fascinating crossroad of adolescence. She looked and acted the most like Izzie, especially when she would roll her eyes at her and slam the door in her face. But Izzie remembered what it was like at that age, and while it could be frustrating, she knew deep down that her sister was a good kid at heart.

Then there was her youngest brother, Ulysses, just 10 years old. Diagnosed with Angelman Syndrome, his condition had changed everything for her. She still remembered the day she received the news from her grandma, the weight of it crashing down on her like a wave. It derailed her life in ways she had never anticipated, forcing her to drop out from UCLA to return home to care for him.

But despite the challenges, she never regretted her decision. There were days when frustration bubbled to the surface, when she struggled with the reality of his condition, but those moments were overshadowed by his infectious laughter, and the way his eyes lit up from simple things. Now, as she watched him growing stronger and more expressive, she felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. He was making progress, learning to communicate in his own way, and she was determined to ensure he would always have her love and support.

Her mother had abandoned them completely after Ulysses was diagnosed. The last known location of her was a fleeting mention on a credit card statement, revealing that she had gotten gas in Boston. When Izzie didn’t pay the amount due, the bills stopped coming, and they didn’t hear from the woman again.

Her grandma had stepped in as their sole caretaker for a while, giving Izzie a chance to attend the local community college. Those days felt like a lifeline – an opportunity to continue her dreams. But when her grandma passed away just a year later, she had to accept that her school days were over.

Grandma left them with some money, but it wasn’t nearly enough to live off of. Izzie had had to sell their family home, and move into a smaller apartment with her siblings. Even then, life was a relentless struggle. She took on two jobs just to make ends meet: during the day, she worked as a cashier at the donut shop, and at night, she was a bartender. The hours were long and exhausting, but she hung in there, knowing that her siblings relied on her.

And it was all worth it.

Soon, Thaddeus would be off to Yale on a basketball scholarship. It was a dream come true not just for him, but for her as well. She had given up track for her family, so she wanted to make sure the same wouldn’t happen to her brother. She wanted him to experience everything she hadn’t been able to. She wanted him to thrive, to soar higher than she ever could.

“Good afternoon everyone – teachers, family, friends, and most importantly, my fellow graduates. It’s such an honor to stand before you today,” Thaddeus started to say. His voice was calm and soothing, with no hint of nervousness.

Izzie couldn’t help but smile proudly at her brother. She took her phone out and quickly snapped a few photos, making a note to get them printed later so that she could frame them.

“As I look out at all of you, I can’t help but think about how far we’ve come. Each of us has a unique story, and mine is no exception. I grew up in a broken family, a place where love sometimes felt scarce and uncertainty was a constant companion. There were nights filled with doubt, days where I questioned my own worth, and moments when I thought about giving up.”

He paused dramatically for effect.

“But standing here today, I realize that those struggles shaped me. They taught me resilience, and they taught me to appreciate every little victory. I learned that strength is not about never failing; it is about getting back up every time we do.”

Another pause.

“Throughout my journey, I found incredible support in unexpected places. Friends who became family, teachers who believed in me more than I believed in myself, and moments of kindness that reminded me I wasn’t alone. Each one of you has played a role in my story, and I am forever grateful. We’ve lifted each other up through the tough times and cheered each other on through the triumphs. Together, we’ve learned to embrace our imperfections and to wear our scars as badges of honor.”

His eyes turned to his family suddenly, his older sister in particular.

“As we move forward, I want to remind you that it’s okay to feel lost sometimes. It’s okay to have doubts. But remember: you are stronger than you think. You have the ability to rewrite your story, no matter where you come from or what challenges you face.” He smiled at her, as if directing the specific words to her.

“Let’s carry this spirit with us as we step into the future. Let’s be the light for others who are struggling, just as so many have been for us. Let us show the world that our past does not define us, but rather fuels us to become who we are meant to be. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being a part of this journey. Here’s to new beginnings and to embracing every twist and turn that lies ahead of us.”

The audience filled with applause, and Izzie felt tears of joy streaming from her cheeks.

Next to her, Ulysses flapped his arms excitedly yelling, “Thaddy! Thaddy!” Izzie put an arm around the boy, and kissed the top of his head.

“Thank you Mr. Taylor for the motivating speech,” the principal said, taking his place behind the podium again. He waited for the applause to die down. “We now welcome our next speaker, a very special alumna of our school, and two times Olympics champion – Ms. Casey Gardner.”

Izzie felt herself freeze, and Sardonna turned to look at her, heading tilting in confusion. The tears of joy in Izzie’s eyes started to sting, and she let out a silent gasp when she saw Casey walk onto the stage, dressed in a sharp black suit. Her heart thumped loudly against her chest, a whirlwind of emotions surging through her.

For a moment, time seemed to stop for her. The shock washed over her like a cold wave. Memories flooded back – them running together on the track, their first kiss, the moment they both got their acceptance emails to UCLA. She felt herself holding her breath, trying to slow down the rapid beats of her heart, but the effort only made her dizzy.

It had been eight years since she last saw Casey, and the memories of their final moments together were still vivid in her mind. The ache of that day lingered in her heart, a constant reminder of what she had lost. Every time she allowed herself to think about it, tears would well up, and the hurt would resurface.

As the years passed, she had learned to bury those feelings deep inside. It was easier to pretend that the memories didn’t haunt her, so she drowned herself with work and family to keep her mind off of the pain.

But now, as she sat in the gymnasium, she could feel the familiar ache creeping back into her heart, and she took a deep breath, reminding herself that she was stronger now. She would not let the past hold her back.

Eight Years Ago

The tension in the room had become obviously uncomfortable as Izzie stubbornly wiped her tear-stained face with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, as she so often did when her emotions overwhelmed her. “I have to.”

She had just received the call from her grandma about her brother’s diagnosis. The news broke her, and she blamed herself for not noticing the symptoms earlier.

As she stood in the room looking at Casey, the reality of the situation dawned on her. She had always known that she would eventually have to step up and become the caretaker of her siblings. Her grandma did her best, but her health was declining, and it would be impossible for her to provide full-time care to a disabled child. Izzie tried to steady herself, but the tears kept coming.

“Yeah, of course,” Casey said, gently taking her girlfriend’s hand in hers. “I understand. I’ll go back with you.”

Izzie shook her head. “No, I mean, I have to drop out.” The words hung in the air, and Casey blinked a few times as if she couldn’t understand the words.

Izzie knew this was the only way. Her two years at UCLA had been fun. Sharing a dorm with Casey felt like a dream. They spent countless evenings in each other’s embrace, talking about their hopes and dreams, creating a bond that felt unbreakable. She enjoyed the classes she was taking, finding new subjects that sparked her interest. Track had remained a significant part of her life; although she had to accept that she was not as fast as the other girls, and was often the backup for the team. Casey remained the star runner and was on track for the Olympics. She herself had develop an interest in business administration and had planned to major in it.

“Dropping out?” Casey repeated. She was taken aback, but then nodded understandingly, gripping the girl’s hand firmly. “Of course, that makes sense. I’ll drop out with you. We’ll go back together.”

Izzie withdrew her hand, shaking her head. “No,” her voice quivered with hurt. “You can’t.”

“Wh-What?”

Tears fell from her face. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t do the things you want to do.”

“Izzie-…” Casey’s voice broke, tears now rolling from her cheek too.

“I’m sorry.” She couldn’t bring herself to say the words “break-up”. It hurt too much, and she wasn’t sure she could handle it. Instead, she turned around and walked out, each step feeling like a betrayal of everything they had shared.

She still remembered the heartbroken look on Casey’s face, and it ripped her heart to shreds every time she thought about it.

But it had been the right decision.

Since they separated, Casey had participated in the Olympics twice, an incredible achievement for her age. Watching Casey fulfill her dreams reminded Izzie that she had been the deadweight holding the girl back. Without her, Casey had been able to spread her wings and truly run towards the future that she had always envisioned. This was what she kept telling herself to stop the sadness from brewing inside her.

There was a round of applause as Casey finished her speech. Izzie didn’t hear a single word, but she clapped anyway, blinking away the tears in her eyes.

The ceremony finished shortly after, and they went to find Thaddeus, who was taking pictures with his friends.

“Ah, come here.” Izzie pulled the boy in for a hug. “I’m so proud of you, Thaddy.”

“Thanks sis. It’s all thanks to you.” He was completely aware of the sacrifices his sister made for their family, and it weighed heavily in his heart. He knew Izzie tried her best, but after she dropped out of UCLA and came back without Casey, she had never truly been happy. The light in her eyes had dimmed, replaced only by a sense of responsibility. It upset him to see her struggle, and that was why he always tried to be the best version of himself – getting the best grades, getting a scholarship for basketball, and stepping up to help with the younger kids. He wanted to take some of the burden off of her shoulders, even though he knew he could never fit into her shoes.

Izzie released her brother and allowed him to hug his younger siblings. Her eyes quickly scanned around for Casey, but she couldn’t find her.

Maybe it was better if they didn’t meet though.

*          *          *

Thaddeus was out at a party that night, his last one with his high school friends, so Izzie left money for Sardonna and Ulysses to get food before heading to the bar for her early shift.

The bar was especially busy that night due to the influx of friends and family attending graduation in their town. She loved it when it was busy though; it meant more tips for her.

As she darted around the circular bar, she expertly mixed drinks while chatting with the regulars and newcomers alike.

After several hours of hustling behind the bar, she glanced up and felt her heart skip a beat. There, standing by the entrance, was Casey. She had come in with a group of people, no one Izzie knew, but they didn’t seem like the crowd Casey usually hung with so Izzie assumed that she was here for business.

Although what did she know? It had been 8 years. So much could’ve changed. Maybe those were the people Casey hung out with now.

She quietly moved to the opposite side of the bar, keeping herself busy with orders. Every now and then, she would glance at Casey, her heart tugging at the sight of her. Would she be sitting at the table with her now if she hadn’t left all those years ago?

Casey eventually made her way to the bar. Panic rose in Izzie’s chest, and she retreated further away, hoping that one of her fellow bartenders would step in to serve her.

She busied herself with a tray of glasses, pretending to focus on restocking, but she could vaguely hear snippets of Casey’s conversation with a random drunk guy sitting at the bar.

“Aren’t you that Olympic track star?” he asked in between hiccups.

“I am that Olympic track star,” Casey repeated, not sounding surprise at all that people recognized her. She must have been used to it by now.

“Sweet, I’d love to buy you a drink, cutie.”

“Mmm, thank you, but I have a girlfriend.”

The guy muttered something under his breath, and moved away.

Izzie froze for a split second, her heart shattering again. She blinked a few times, trying to clear her mind.

Of course, Casey was dating again. It had been years.

She tried to get back to her customers, forcing a smile at them, but she couldn’t do it. Realizing that she needed a moment, she slipped into the back to the break room, away from the noise and the crowd.

She leaned against the cool wall, hands on her hips, huffing and puffing as if she had just run a marathon. It was like someone had opened up all of her wounds, and slapped a handful of salt on it. The sting was sharp and relentless, making her eyes water.

“Hey Izzie,” a soft voice suddenly said.

Izzie jumped at the sound of the voice and turned to see Casey leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed, looking at her. “Jesus Newton, are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Before she could think twice, she burst into laughter. It felt like deja-vu, like how Casey used to purposely scare her back when they were still teenagers.

Casey smiled back at her, no doubt experiencing the same deja-vu.

And then just as quickly as it happened, Izzie’s smile vanished, replaced with a stern look. “Casey.” Her voice was firm and cold.

“How have you been?”

Izzie felt her feelings bubbling up inside her again. “Good,” she said nonchalantly. “The same.”

Casey took a few steps towards her, but Izzie instinctively stepped back, creating space between the two of them. “No.” She shook her head.

“Iz, please.” Casey’s eyes were soft and full of concern.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” She looked into Casey’s eyes and already felt herself getting weak. “Please.”

“I just want to talk,” Casey pleaded. “Just hear me out, please?”

Izzie wanted to yell “No!” and turn around to walk away, but her feet remained glued to the ground. She felt the familiar tightness in her chest as Casey closed the distance between them.

“I’m sorry for what happened back then,” the girl started to say. “And I’m sorry we never had the chance to talk about it. I wanted to-… I wanted to so badly, but…” Her soft gaze met Izzie’s. “I knew I had to wait.”

Izzie saw the girl swallow, as if she struggled to get her words out.

“I was so hurt when you left me back then,” she finally said, her voice showing a hint of vulnerability. “But deep down, I knew you were right. I was so immature – I thought that loving and being with you mattered more than anything else in the world... I thought that if we were together, we could conquer anything. All I wanted was to hold on to our relationship. I couldn’t see the bigger picture… we were on different paths then, and staying together would’ve trapped us in something that would’ve broken us both.”

Izzie didn’t say anything for a few moments because she wasn’t sure how to respond. “Okay,” she finally managed to spit out.

“But we’ve been separated for 8 years, 3 months, 17 days, and 6 hours now,” Casey said.

Oddly specific, but who was counting?

The girl stepped closer to her, until she was standing in front of her. “I miss what we had,” she admitted, the words spilling out like a long-held breath. “I don’t want to be separated anymore.”

Izzie looked up at the girl, the magnetic pull that she hadn’t felt in years surging back to life. It was intoxicating, and she felt weak in the knees as Casey’s eyes locked onto hers. “I’m not good for you,” she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper. “I don’t want to be the reason you don’t do the things you want to do,” she repeated the exact words she had said all those years ago.

“I’ve done everything I want to do,” Casey said, reaching out to take the girl’s hands in hers. “The only thing missing from my life is you.” A warm smile spread across her face as she looked into Izzie’s eyes. “All these years, you were my motivation, Iz. I thought about you in every race I ran, thinking that the faster I ran, the sooner I could get back to you. Every finish line was a reminder of what I was running for, and it was always you.”

Izzie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She thought that Casey would’ve for sure moved on by now. She had never expected this.

Her next words shocked her even more.

“I’m retiring from track, and coming back to Connecticut to be an athletic advisor,” Casey added. “We’ll be close again.”

“What about the Olympics?”

Casey shook her head. “I’m done with that. I want to do something smaller, something that will help our community.”

“Case, all you’ve ever wanted was to leave this town,” she said, sadly. “I don’t want to hold you back. I can’t be the reason you stay here and waste your talents.”

“That was what I wanted when I was younger. I’ve changed, Izzie. And you never held me back. You only pushed me to do better, even if it meant you got hurt from it. I never forgot about you, and I promised myself that I would do everything I want to do, and then I would come back for you so that you could do the things you want to.” She leaned in, pressing her forehead against Izzie’s. “We made a forehead promise, remember? I promised to take care of you.”

Tears filled Izzie’s eyes as the realization washed over her: Casey hadn’t forgotten about her. She hadn’t forgotten their promises or the memories they had created together. It felt surreal, like stepping back in time, and she suddenly felt like a teenager again, excited, scared, and slightly hopeful.

“I can’t believe this,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “Am I dreaming?” A tear rolled down her cheek.

Casey reached up, brushing away the tear. “It’s real. You’ve always been the one for me. I always knew it.”

Izzie laughed a little through her tears, the sound of joy and relief. “I just heard you tell a guy outside you had a girlfriend.”

“I do. You’re my girlfriend. We never broke up officially, we were just on a pause. I always knew we would be together again. I tell everyone I have a girlfriend.”

“An eight year pause?”

Casey shrugged.

Tears continued to fall from Izzie’s face as she chuckled. She couldn’t believe Casey had been committed to her this whole time. She had never had another relationship after Casey either, but only because she felt vulnerable, and didn’t want to get hurt.

“So what do you say?” Casey asked. She reached out and tilted Izzie’s chin up so that they could look into each other’s eyes. “Will you have me back?”

Izzie let out a breath – one that she felt she had been holding for 8 years, and she leaned into Casey, sobbing on her shoulder. The warmth of the embrace enveloped her, and she held onto Casey tightly, realizing just how much she had missed this closeness.

Casey kissed the top of her head, whispering soothing words as she stroked her hair gently. “I’ll take care of you,” she repeated. “I’ll be your support system now.”

Izzie nodded, and for once, she felt that it was okay to be vulnerable. She had worked so hard all these years, feeling as if the weight of the world was pressing down on her. The constant stress was suffocating, and hearing that someone would take of her now seemed to lift the heavy burden from her shoulders. For the first time in years, she felt happy and she realized that she didn’t have to carry everything alone anymore.

“And if I don’t, remember that verbal agreements are legally binding and you can sue me at any time.” Casey chuckled.

Izzie pulled back with a smile. “You remember.” She bit her lip while looking into Casey’s eyes.

“Of course I remember.” Casey cupped Izzie’s face and brushed a thumb against her cheek gently. “I remember everything about us.” She leaned in, her lips meeting Izzie’s softly.

Izzie put her arms around Casey’s neck, returning the kiss with more passion.

It still felt so right.

Everything finally felt right again.