Breaking Point
Today was the day, the first match of the season and the whole school was buzzing. I was in no mood for all that Quidditch frenzy right now though. I had skipped breakfast at the Great Hall and instead had some food delivered to my office. When I had returned to my dorm last night after attending to Severus’ wound, I was pretty hurt and even angry. His reactions had stung me a little. The way he reacted after I said ‘that’s what friends are for’ had hurt me more than I would like to admit out loud. I knew Severus didn’t have many friends in his early life, but still seeing him confused after what I said hit me real deep.
It made me wonder if I’ve been wasting my time ever since I arrived here. After all that time we had spent together, how could he be so surprised I considered him a friend? I actively wanted his company, why on earth did he not understand that it was me showing him friendship. If I just wanted to be coworkers I would have never visited him at his own home to cook for him! I actually felt a little insulted, although not as insulted by his other reactions. He made it very clear in that room that he still didn’t think highly of my skill or knowledge and that just pissed me off.
Sure I didn’t make a great impression in my first two weeks, all the chaos that revolved around me. That didn’t mean I wasn’t a skilled witch! I was a new teacher and in charge of setting up a whole new class from scratch! But I got the hang of it eventually and now the students and other teachers love me! Something that couldn’t be said about him. Sure it was obvious that he was skilled, but he wasn’t very popular due to his attitude, lone wolf posture and teaching style. I’m not saying he is a bad teacher, he still had absolute control over his classes which is pretty impressive and the students learned the essentials of the course.
A few days ago I was still determined of pursuing this friendship, but right now I was asking myself why? After all that time the man still called me by my last name dammit! What the hell is up with that?! He is constantly pushing me away and shutting me out. He simply is frustrating the hell out of me sometimes, why would I want a friend like that? I made plenty of friends since I came here, I didn’t need him!
I hung my head in my hands, elbows resting on my desk. Still I was convinced there was more to the man I had yet to discover. I was still scratching at the outer layer of this complex man and there were still many, many more layers to come. There were these little moments he did reach out and they all crept back into my head. The night of the opening feast he tried to calm my nerves, he came to me on Christmas Eve. He bought me a birthday present after he had discovered on what day it was. On a day of grief, he came and kept me company. We even had a long conversation on my couch after HE came to me.
My fingers got tangled up in my hair and I was ready to pull it. It was all so frustrating and confusing! I had no idea where I stood with this guy, one day he pushed and the other he reached out. Still there was more pushing than reaching..
I was slowly reaching the edge of my patience with these shifting moods and I needed some time to breathe and think things through.
I was so conflicted on the inside at the moment, it made me retreat to my office. I needed to be alone if I wanted to sort this mess in my head. A game of Quidditch was the complete opposite, even if it had been part of my plan to get Severus to open up to me. I just didn’t want to face him today, not after insulting me like that last night. I was done being ‘Miss nice and always friendly’ for now. I’ve taken enough, it was time for me to bark back. He needed to know he can’t treat everyone like this all the time, there is a time where enough is enough!
I pushed myself up from the chair and took a book that was lying on the desk with me to the couch. I let myself fall on the couch and opened the muggle fantasy book, ready to be completely sucked into another world. I never got close though, seeing I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I sighed and unlocked it with a simple hand wave.
“Ah finally I found you. Are you ready?” I held a finger in between the pages, marking where I was, before looking up at a cheery and smiling Minerva.
“Ready for what?”
“The match of course! It’s about to start” I sighed again and pushed myself up, keeping my finger in the book though.
“Not today Minerva, I’m sorry… but I’m not feeling up for all this Quidditch frenzy right now”
“Ah come on, it will be fun! The weather is nice and we’ve been talking about the new Gryffindor team for so long” She came towards me and took the book out of my hand.
“Now let’s get going before we miss the start” Yet another sigh escaped my lips, knowing there was no way she would let me stay and read my book in peace.
I had summoned my coat, scarf and gloves with a charm while we made our way through the school. Seeing as we were on the later side, the stands were pretty crowded already. I immediately noticed Severus and the only two places left next to him. I quickly sat down, making Minerva take the seat in between the Potions Master and me. She greeted him after sitting down and I felt her eyes on me. I kept looking ahead; hoping she wouldn’t start asking questions. It was common knowledge that I always greeted him and sat next to him; not only at the table but also in the stands. I regretted hiding in my office right now, I should had gone somewhere Minerva wouldn’t have found me.
I stuck my hands in my pockets and bounced my legs up and down while waiting patiently for the start and I hoped it would be a quick match. All the noises and enthusiasm surrounding me were only fueling my already agitated state. I was relieved Minerva was right about the fact that we needed to hurry to get here. Both teams entered the Pitch and the whole crowd exploded with noise, making me almost leave that instance. Rolanda spoke to the players quickly before releasing the balls and opening the game. The match turned very rough almost immediately, mostly on Slytherin’s behalf.
I knew that the Team from my former House had always been rougher players, but today it seemed like they upped their usual play even more. Gryffindor managed to score the first goal and that seemed to irritate their opponent. The match froze as the two Seekers went after the Snitch. In the corner of my eye I noticed Minerva got pretty excited when young Potter was close to catching it, but Slytherin Captain Flint rammed into him. I heard a grunt next to me and I guessed she was bottling up some anger at this point. Rolanda gave Gryffindor a penalty shot and they scored again.
Not long after Flint took matters in his own hands again and beat a Bludger towards the Gryffindor Keeper using the bat from his teammate. I had to contain myself a little as I saw Wood fall down to the ground when the Bludger hit him in his stomach. I was genuinely worried about one of my students, but even more I was ashamed. Ashamed of what tricks Slytherin was pulling in their attempt to win.
With the Keeper gone, Slytherin had free range for scoring and they scored their first goal within minutes. Suddenly I felt Minerva’s hand on my arm and she directed my attention towards Harry high up in the sky. It seemed like the young Seeker had lost control of his broom. The longer I looked at him, the more I noticed it wasn’t because of his doing. The broom itself was actively trying to throw him off. I looked to my side for a second when Minerva’s grip got a little tighter and her face was filled with worry. Something else caught my eye though, Severus was in full concentration muttering something.
I leaned in a bit, trying not to push myself against Minerva, as I tried to hear what Severus was muttering exactly. My mouth dropped slightly, yesterday that man had yelled at the young boy with such anger and now he was actively helping him? Suddenly Severus bolted from his seat and was stomping his cloak feverishly. He knocked over some people behind him in the process of putting out the fire that had caught at the bottom of his cloak.
“Are you alright Severus?” Minerva asked, her attention drawn towards the man as well due to his sudden actions. He simply nodded and sat down calmly once the flames were gone. We all turned our heads back towards Harry and he seemed to have the control of his broom again. With everything that had happened to Harry, Slytherin had scored five more goals. Then the young Seeker dove towards the ground, clasping his hand to his mouth as if he was violently sick the instant he landed. His body jolted like he was about to throw up, but instead of vomit it was an object.
Rolanda blew her whistle.
“Gryffindor WINS!” She yelled loudly and Minerva almost exploded in ecstasy next to me. She even hugged me for a brief moment, which left me no choice but to smile.
“I knew he was going to be good” She said proudly and I turned my head towards the celebrating team, they joy radiated off of them.
On our way back towards the castle, Minerva kept sharing her pride and happiness about her House Team’s victory. During that conversation my eyes occasionally drifted towards a man that was walking just a little further ahead. It was a strange thing that happened today during the match. The way Harry’s broom acted and how it suddenly stopped after Severus’ cloak caught fire. I excused myself when we entered the castle, saying I really wanted to return to my book before dinner, while in all honesty I was a bit done with all this excitement.
I kept thinking back to the words Severus had muttered and I was convinced Severus was helping. I knew a counter curse when I heard one, the timing was weird though. I couldn’t exactly recall the ones that had been in the stand with us, nor did I really pay attention to whom he had pushed while he was putting the flames out. Was someone behind this? Or did Severus simply complete his counter curse on a malfunctioning broom?
I looked ahead when I heard loud noises and excited chatter. A group of Gryffindors was crossing my path, Harry in the middle of them. Which reminded me of something I wanted to do this morning, but couldn’t since I chose to retreat to my office instead.
“Ah Mister Potter, good to see you. Can I speak to you for a moment?” I said smiling. The group simply continued on, while Harry walked towards me. In the corner of my eye I noticed two strays, his friend waiting for him just a few feet ahead.
“First let me congratulate you on your first game and win. It was a rather spectacular catch”
“Thank you Professor” He stammered nervously.
“I’ve been meaning to check on you. I hope what happened last night didn’t upset you too much?” I asked carefully, referring to Severus screaming at him like a madman. He carefully shook his head, although I wondered if he fully meant it.
“Tell me Mister Potter, what book did Professor Snape take from you? And why?” The boy looked a bit baffled by my question.
“Quidditch through the Ages, Professor. I borrowed it from Hermione. He took it because I took it outside with me, which is not allowed for library books.” I nodded as I listened carefully.
“I see. Well I’ll see what I can do about this. For now enjoy the celebration. You’ve more than earned it”
“Thank you professor!” I walked away and looked over my shoulder when I reached the end of the hallway. All three first years had their eyes glued on me, their expression a little confused. A smile crept on my face while I made my way towards my office. My thoughts lingering on the reason Harry had given me. I knew about the rule, but hardly anyone enforced it with the exception of Irma.
A little voice in my head told me it had to do with the fact that it had been him, just being at the wrong place at the wrong time when he encountered Severus. Whom had probably been a little cranky about his wound, leaving me to assume he took it out on the boy simply because he resembled his father so much. A part of me could understand where Severus came from, but still it was no excuse to take it out on Harry. After all he was just a child, new to the whole magical world with absolutely no idea of the emotions he conjured inside his Potions Professor; for just being who he was.
In all honesty I had no idea what truly was going on in Severus’ head every time he was confronted with his past. Since he refuses to share anything personal with me. I could still fill in some of the blanks and thoughts or even feelings possibly going through him. It’s not that easy to forget the cruelties he had been through at this school at the hands of his tormentors. I just feared he isn’t in control of his emotions when it comes to the 11 year old celebrity. Which was kind of ironic for a man that seemed so in control of them to the outside world.
Before actually going back to my office, I decided to visit a certain someone. I had noticed he didn’t follow the rest of the staff towards the Great Hall, he just like me excused himself. I stood in front of his office, knocked and almost immediately walked in when I heard an answer.
“You should give Mister Potter his book back”
“Good day to you too Miss Hallewel” He responded mono-tonal, not looking up from his desk.
“I’m serious, Severus. Give it back” I said ready to leave again since it was the only reason I even came to him.
I heard a thud and turned around seeing the book on the edge on his desk.
“Feel free to do it yourself” He drawled and I rolled my eyes, walked over snatched the book from his desk and left. Knowing if I stayed even a second longer I would explode all my thoughts on him and I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me break down over his behavior. I knew myself all too well, I would not be able to control my emotions if I spilled everything now, not while I was still conflicted.
I had been reading peacefully in my office while waiting for the start of dinner, again I wouldn’t be joining the rest of the staff. Though I did want to return the book to Harry tonight and this would be the best opportunity to do that. I had already informed the House Elves to send my diner to my room, while I made my way towards the Great Hall with two books in my hands.
The Great Hall was filled with the students as well as the staff. I saw the empty seat next to Severus and I had to suppress a grin; knowing that seat would remain empty. I walked towards the Gryffindor table, searching for the boy with the untidy jet-black hair and glasses.
“Mister Potter there you are. Here you go” I said placing the book carefully in front of him.
“Thanks Professor!” He said flashing me the biggest smile he could give me.
“Enjoy both your meal and the book” I said giving him a small smile.
I looked back at the teacher’s table for a moment, then turned and left the Great Hall. I guessed my actions would conjure some questions amongst my coworkers and I will be ready to deal with them when they would come, just not tonight. For the rest of the day, I just wanted peace, quiet and simply live in another world. Forgetting everything that’s been plaguing my mind at the moment.
Like I foresaw; Minerva asked me what was going on Monday morning before breakfast. Since I never showed my face on Sunday. I gave her the excuse that I just wasn’t feeling that well and needed some rest. Which wasn’t a complete lie, just not the whole truth. Even though I started to feel I could trust her, I still didn’t feel comfortable enough in our friendship talking about another coworker and my personal relationship with him. If there even was a personal relationship to begin with.
Thankfully she believed me or got the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it in detail. I knew Minerva was a real smart woman and probably noticed more than she gave away. She was Deputy Headmistress for a reason after all. If she did have a suspicion on what was going on with a certain someone and me, I definitely confirmed that after our conversation, as I didn’t take my usual seat next to Severus. Instead I sat where Filius usually sat, kind of forcing him to sit on my spot, Rolanda on my other side.
I could see on almost everyone’s faces that they were slightly surprised with my actions, emphasizing the Almost. Of course there was no reaction whatsoever on his face, like always he kept his face straight and emotionless while he ate his breakfast. Nobody had the nerve to ask me about my sudden seating change, although some obviously wanted to know.
I kept this up for the next few days, I greeted him along with the rest; but not as an individual. I simply acknowledged him whenever our paths crossed outside the Great Hall, but not using words. I stopped reaching out for his company when I knew both of us had a stack of papers to grade. I simply took a break, allowing myself to get my thoughts organized hoping to solve my confliction.
Of course it didn’t work like I wanted to, because my stupid brain went into overdrive with adding even more things. Was he affected by my sudden behavior towards him? If so, how long would it take for him to show it? Would he even show it all? So far he had not reacted at all, he just went on like he always did. Like nothing had changed. Oh how I wished I were skilled enough in Legilimency so I could poke around in his head and find out if he was affected at all. Although if I had the skill, I still probably wouldn’t do it out of respect of privacy.
It was Wednesday night, I had a new book in my hand; seeing as I finished the previous one last weekend. According to my calculations Severus had run out of ointment and he needed a refill if he wanted the wound to fully heal. I didn’t know back then how much I would need of any of the supplies I brought with me, since I didn’t knew the nature of his wound. After learning that, I knew he wouldn’t have enough, hence why I made the offer for him to come get a refill when he ran out.
I had intended to do some work in my office, but then I remembered that I told him to come to my dorm. Although I seriously doubted a man that filled with pride would ever admit, to someone who he didn’t consider an equal that he needed help. Still I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, so here I was reading my book wondering if I would see him on the other side of that door tonight.
I was seated in my armchair, slightly facing the door, my feet on my coffee table. A short stiff knock was heard and that was the moment of truth. It was still possible that perhaps Minerva was concerned and wanted to know the whole truth. Or maybe even Albus, he must have noticed I was acting different and wanted to know what was going on.
“Come in” I said friendly, never taking my eyes from my book.
I peeked over the edge of my book and I was pleasantly surprised it was the man that should be knocking on my door at this time of night.
“Ah Severus, what a surprise.” I asked hiding my grin behind the book and keeping my eyes neutral. He stepped inside my dorm and closed the door behind him.
“Why? You know what I came for” He drawled and folded his hands in front of him. I matched my face with my eyes as before shutting the book in one hand.
“And that is supposed to mean that I can’t be surprised a man with your ego actually came?” I asked raising an eyebrow, before throwing the book on the table not losing eye contact.
“You make assumptions about me all the time, it’s only fair that I can have some about you as well, right?” I said shrugging, one of his eyebrows rose as well.
“Excuse me?” He said and I jumped from the chair and went over to the bedroom part of my dorm.
“You’ve made it pretty damn clear how highly… well lowly you think of my skillset” I said kneeling down in front of the trunk at the end of my bed. I placed my hands on certain places so it would unlock. I had cast that spell on the first night here, so I could have a safe place to keep my few true valuables that I had left in. It could not be opened by someone else since I made it so that it would only accept the precise location of every part of my hand. So unless someone has the exact shape of hands as I, it wouldn’t work. I also fortified it that it would reflect any spell back to it caster.
The click was heard and the lid opened.
“I saw the disbelieve in your eyes last Friday when I showed you this remedy, when I told you that I know how to calm Fluffy” I said while I looked at the vials, looking for the right one.
“And it wasn’t the first time you seemed to judge my capability, After I got used to my new position” After I found the right vial, I looked over my shoulder. Severus still stood in the exact same spot, only now he had crossed his arms.
“Correct me if I’m wrong here. I know how you love to correct me whenever you get the chance” I said, slight attitude creeping in my tone.
“You see Severus, you can’t judge me until you know everything there is about me. You have absolutely no idea what I’ve been through or the things I’ve seen. How all of that changed me to my very core. How it evolved me to the woman I am today” I said while keeping my eyes locked, closing the lid of the trunk and slowly stood up straight again.
“You’re right” He said softly, surprising me once again.
“Excuse me, could you repeat that one more time?” I clutched the vial in my hand a little tighter, but careful not to break it.
“Is the great almighty Severus Snape admitting he was wrong?” I took a few steps towards him.
“I never said that” I rolled my eyes, of course not and crossed my arms as well.
“However it’s about time you stood up for yourself” My mouth dropped slightly. I scoffed and shook my head.
“You’re unbelievable Severus” I said walking towards him. I took his hand by force and placed the vial in it.
“You can’t even apologize for your shit attitude without sounding so goddamn condescending.” I shot him a glare.
“Please return whatever remains. It’s all I have left.” I said turning away from him, back to my chair.
“I meant what I said that night. But unless the feeling is mutual I’m not interested in it anymore.” I said while picking up my book, my eyes immediately looking at the pages.
“Goodnight Mister Snape” I said mocking the way he addresses me all the time.
“Goodnight Miss Hallewel” After that I heard the door close and I closed the book again, throwing it back on the table as well. God, I needed a drink.