Speak To Me

The first session with Severus had been very productive and I got a pretty clear idea of his teaching methods. He had suggested pretty challenging questions and had been very strict on me as well. Saying I needed to be tough if I didn’t want any accidents. I agreed with him, but didn’t particularly like the way he told me. I would have loved to tell him I knew all that and I wasn’t one his dunderhead students, like he liked to call them. It took quite some restrain from me to keep those comments in. Since I knew if I wanted this man to consider me a friend, it wouldn’t be smart to fight him after he offered to help me.

So I sat there taking in every snarky comment he got, when I said something that sounded stupid in his ears or the ones that expressed he doubted I was going to be good at this. I took it all in; I would show him one day. I was pretty exhausted after that first afternoon, but we got a pretty good idea of how I would want this test to look like. We met up again the next day, even though we had agreed that I would make the test on my own and he would look it over with me once it was finished. I had asked him for a short lesson on potions usable in duels, wanting to make sure I had the right ones in mind.

That was another productive day as well and he even seemed a little less snarky. Not much, but still noticeable. A couple days had passed and the pressure that the students were arriving soon was growing. I had still been using Severus’s sleeping draught to fall asleep and that was the reason I was in a panic mode right now. It was Thursday now and the students were to arrive on Sunday evening. To top up the pressure of that, today was the day Severus and I would look over my test and I was supposed to meet him a half hour ago.

I woke up in a frantic state realizing what time it was. I quickly got dressed and was collecting my stuff like a mad man. I ran out of my dorm, almost tripping over one of the boxes that I still needed to unpack and went straight towards his office. I ran at my full speed, guilt filling me as fast as my heels hit the floor. A part of me regretted taking that sip last night, while the other part knew I had no choice if I wanted to get some sleep. I finally reached the dungeons and without knocking burst in to Severus’s office.

“You’re late!” he snapped, as soon as I was in. He sat there at his desk, not looking up.
“I’m so incredibly sorry... I...” he cut me off by slamming his hand on his desk and looking towards me.
“I’m wasting my time to help you and this is how you repay that? With irresponsible and disrespecting behavior?!” The anger in his voice send chills down my spine and I nervously ran a hand through my messy hair.
“Look at you! Late and a mess” he spat. I hesitantly took a few steps towards him.
“I truly am sorry Severus. I never meant to disrespect you” and he just scoffed looking back at his paperwork.

“I just underestimated the strength of your sleeping draught,” I muttered.
“But I completely understand if you don’t have time for me anymore. Thank you for all the help you’ve giving me so far, I truly appreciate it” I said turning around ready to walk away.
“You’re still using it?” he asked in a softer tone, anger and irritation still clear in his voice. I hesitantly turned around, slightly nervous to face him at the moment and I just nodded. Before I had the chance to explain he signed me closer.
“Let me look at your work” He said, before clearing out his own paperwork.

Not wanting to lose this opportunity, I walked towards his desk and laid down the final draft I made last night.
“Not all questions are about the things they learned so far. I figured it would be a good idea to find out more about their way of thinking,” I said trying to push down the nerves as Severus read the papers.
“Why?” he asked, not hinting if he thought this was a good or bad idea. Wondering what his intension were, I started to explain.
“Well, with the answers given by students, I would be able to better estimate if they would be qualified to take this course. I could see if they possess the right mindset. See if they are determined, confident and honorable. The qualities I believe are necessary for them to succeed in this class. Those combined with their knowledge should be able to prevent those casualties that you would get if I let everyone in my class” I said sounding more confident of myself as I kept on talking.

Severus just sat there, non-responsive looking at the work I’ve done the last couple of days. I stood there back straight and shoulders back. Waiting patiently while I was going crazy on the inside. He leaned back in his chair while he looked it over for a second time. The silence between us while I stood there waiting for his opinion was slowly killing me. Just when I was about to ask what he thought about it, he placed the papers back on his desk.
“This will work” he said pushing the papers towards me and grabbing his own and continued with was he was doing.

I grabbed my papers again and bowed my head slightly, a habit that stayed with me after I lived in Japan for five years.
“Thank you Severus, for everything” and he looked up for a second not showing any emotions. I slowly made my way out and when I reached the door I heard him speak again.
“You can find someone else’s time to waste assessing those tests after your first class” I had to admit, that stung a bit.
“Understood” I snapped, slamming the door behind me letting go of the restraint from the last few days.

“Cranky bastard” I muttered while I made my way to my own office. I don’t know whom I was more angry with at the moment. Myself for ruining the efforts I had put in trying to build a friendship with Severus. Or him for being that short tempered and blunt, just because I was late. After placing the test in my drawer I took my robe off and hung it over my chair. I took out the lesson plans I had made with Minerva last week, deciding to go over them again, wanting to determine the right order. I sat down and threw my legs over the armrest while looking over the paperwork.

Like I expected from my stupid brain, it was hard to focus on this at this moment. I started staring in front of me. Me being late couldn’t possibly be the only reason for him being so cold to me right? I mean after I told him my sleeping problems still existed he wanted to help after all. I started to think back to the last couple of days, trying to find a reason I could have caused this behavior. Maybe it wasn’t something I did, perhaps something else was bothering him and he took it out on me.

Saturday had arrived and all the staff was getting the castle ready to receive the students, while the other Professors laid their final touches in preparation of the start of the school year. I was walking towards Dumbledore’s office; he wanted to talk to me about my class and everything I came up with. The weird part was though, I wasn’t nearly as nervous for his opinion as I was for a certain cranky Potion Master. I had seen Severus yesterday and I just kept it civil. Putting on my mask, refusing to show that what he said the morning before had affected me.

While walking through the hallways I started thinking about what could happen during the talk with Dumbledore. Worst-case scenario was him hating it so much that he would fire me on the spot. Which wasn’t that bad if I thought about it, in that case I could return to my nice quiet safe life in Japan. Though I doubt he was the man to be that drastic, after he basically ordered me to come here in the first place. I guess I was about to find out as I reached the entrance of his office.

I spoke the password and the staircase started to appear. I swiftly stepped on the highest step and stood still while it moved upwards. I had been here so many times during my last year, that other students started to whisper that I had finally become a problem student. I didn’t care though, as long as they didn’t discover the real reason for my visits with the headmaster, I didn’t care what they said about me. All I wanted that year was to escape the horrible fate my father had planned for me.

For the first time in a decade I entered the familiar office of the headmaster. In the room there was no sign of the old wizard. Well that could be because I was early for our appointment, like I usually was if I didn’t overslept because of the effects of a potion. I still cursed myself for that mistake, just as much as I cursed Severus being so overly sensitive about it. I made my way towards his desk and saw Fawkes on his usual spot next to it. I was glad that magnificent creature was still here. I laid my paperwork on the desk and took a few steps closer.

“Hello there handsome, remember me?” I asked as I reached towards him. He took a few moments before his head leaned towards my hand. Smiling from ear to ear I carefully stroked his head.
“Of course he recognizes the student that was in here almost every day” I looked towards the voice and was greeted by a smiling Albus. I looked back toward the phoenix for a second before sitting down in a chair in front of him. He grabbed the paperwork that I had already laid down on his desk and started to read it.

I looked around the office, waiting for the verdict, noticing that this place hadn’t changed that much. My attention went back to the man in front of me; he clearly took a lot less time reading through it all than a certain black clothed man.
“Looks like you all figured it all out,” he said with a content smile on his face while placing the papers back on his desk.
“I’ve noticed you’re fitting in quite nicely with the rest of the staff, like I expected. Now how are you doing?” he said folding his hands on his desk.
“Honestly?” I asked and he just nodded. I let out a sigh trying to find the words to describe how the last 2 weeks has been.

“I would have gone insane if it wasn’t for the Sleeping draught Severus gave me. Trying to set up this complete new class would have done the same without the help of Minerva and Severus.” I said shaking my head.
“See the pattern? That’s the only reason I could even present you with something today. How on earth did you come up with this crazy idea that I was fit for this position?” I started feeling all the frustration that had built up since the moment I arrived surfacing. I didn’t give the man time to answer, almost immediately continuing my rant.
“The only reason I don’t worry about the music class is because I’m just assisting this year and I’ve played music almost my entire life” I started to shift in my seat, leaning closer towards the desk.

“Why give me this class to teach? Why do you even want me to teach here? Why bring me back to the place so close to my old home? I know my father is rotting in Azkaban, but that doesn’t mean I’m safe at all!” I started to raise my voice slightly as the anger and frustration took over my body. Those feelings only grew bigger seeing the man in front of me sitting still like a statue, not even moving a wrinkle on his face.
“Tell me Dumbledore. What is the use of me being here? What the hell is going on here that you need me?” I’ve been wondering that ever since he visited me in Japan, why does he need me? When clearly there were so many other stronger wizards and witches that didn’t fled during the war.

With my body slightly trembling I sat there, giving him a chance to explain himself, although I feared I wouldn’t get a straight answer out of him. Since he never explained to me why he went through so many troubles helping a single student escape from her own father and his friends. Finally the man moved after the long and tension filled silence, he leaned forward as well hovering above his hands.
“After all these years you still underestimate your own strength Miss Hallewel. Yes you had help on creating this class, which is perfectly normal, but if I’m not mistaken Minerva and Severus just pushed you in the right direction. You already were an exceptional student and I believe your travels aided in your talents growing even more. It’s that knowledge and the mature and responsible way you’ve always used those skills, that convinced me that you would be the perfect candidate for this position. This class can make a difference in the lives of some of the students”

I listened to every word the man spoke and the anger slowly ebbed away, but the frustration remained. Since he never answered the why now part and a part of me guessed he wouldn’t share that with me this time.
“Since your class won’t start until the second day, I would advise you to join some of the other classes. Just to get an idea of how the other Professors handle their subjects.” He said with a smile and I hesitated for minute.
“I don’t know, I don’t want to be a distraction for the students” I muttered.
“I’ve already arranged it with the others. It will be no problem,” he said with a soft smile and I scoffed.

“So basically I have no choice,” I muttered getting ready to leave.
“Just focus on making this class a success and all will be clear soon enough” I noticed a hint of mischief in his eyes while handing me back my papers.
“Keep your eyes and ears open, like you did when you were a student” he whispered with a wink. I nodded and left the office not really knowing what to think of the things he just said to me. Why was that damn man always so cryptic? What was it that he just couldn’t say straight to my face? Not feeling quite social at the moment, I decided to retreat in my office preparing the last things for my first class.

I was checking myself in my floor length mirror I had placed next to the wardrobe, for the last time. The students were on the Hogwarts Express, getting closer to the castle in this very moment. Albus had informed me this morning that he would introduce me to the school during his opening speech. I was a nervous wreck, tonight was the night I was formally introduced as a teacher and I just hoped everything went well. I had finally finished unpacking last night, so my dorm felt a little more comfortable.

I looked at my nightstand through the reflection of the mirror and saw the almost empty bottle. I just hoped now that this dorm felt a little more like home, that I would be fine without it. Since I refused to go to Severus or Albus to ask for more, I had to sleep on my own eventually. Albus also informed me on the classes I would be attending tomorrow. Charms with Professor Flitwick, Transfiguration with Minerva and of course Potions. I was a little surprised by the fact that Severus would let me in his classroom while he was teaching, but my gut told me that just like me, he didn’t have much of a say in the matter.

The headmaster had explained, that these three would be most educational due to the differences in teaching methods. After making sure my attire from boots to robes was spotless, I took a step closer, checking my make-up one last time. I had chosen today to keep it simple and light like I mostly did. I made a few braids in my hair before pulling it in a high ponytail. I turned around and looked at the clock hanging on the wall in the living area, it was time to join the rest in the Great Hall. I inhaled and exhaled a little harder than usual trying to gain control of my nerves, or at least preparing myself to cover them so no one would notice.

I walked towards the Great Hall in a steady pace, focusing on the rhythm of my heels that echoed through the massive hallway. The walk felt just as long as it did on my first day back. My eyes widened as I took my first steps inside the Hall, candles floating around and the long tables set for the students. This sight brought me right back to a memory of an eleven year old me walking in for the first time ever. I had forgotten how beautiful this place was on the first night of the year. Sure the Hall always got decorated for the different holidays, but still nothing would beat this sight.

I looked in front of me towards the tables reserved for the teachers and a few staff members. I was the last to arrive and I noticed the last available seat was next to Severus. The nerves came flying back in an instant. Determined not to let it show, I kept my head high and walked confidently towards the empty seat. Everyone greeted me, some with words some with smiles, except for the man I was seated next to. As soon as I sat down, I noticed his body stiffened a little.
“How good of you to be just on time for this,” He sneered without looking at me. I shifted in my seat for a moment, finding the most comfortable position.

“For your information. I’ve only been late once in my life and if I remember correctly it wasn’t all my fault” I shot back at him flipping my ponytail back, just like him not even looking in his direction and I heard a few snickers around us. I folded my hands, leaning them on the table while I heard a low soft grunt next to me. I turned my head towards Professor Flitwick on the other side of me and started talking about how excited I was to watch him teach tomorrow.

I had turned towards Filius during our conversation, as he started talking about the charms he wanted the start with this school year. Some time had passed before Argus came walking in announcing that the students had arrived. I shifted back in my seat so I was facing the doors. Minerva excused herself from the table, to go and receive the first years. It didn’t take long before the Great Hall was filling with chatting students and it brought a smile on my face. I slowly felt more eyes on me burning as the students started to notice me sitting here.

The Great Hall fell in a silence when Minerva came back in and check to see if everything was ready to let the first years in. She disappeared for a moment, before returning with a group of young children. All of them in awe of everything around them, it made me blush a little. Thinking about how I had a similar reaction not long ago. As soon as Minerva and the students were standing right in front of us. Dumbledore got up welcoming the new students and welcoming back the other students. A soft sigh of relieve escaped my mouth, as Minerva took out a roll of parchment and started calling the first name up to the sorting hat.

“He’ll announce it after the sorting ceremony” Severus drawled in his usual tone and I wondered if anybody else heard it. I looked towards Severus, who was looking at me through the corner of his eye and I mouthed a ‘thank you’ towards him. I turned my attention towards the nervous eleven year olds in front of me, getting sorted in to their houses one by one. I went along with the other professors applauding after every single student got sorted. The last student sat down with the rest and Minerva made her way back to her seat next to Dumbledore. She started tapping a spoon against her glass to gain everyone’s attention and my heart skipped a beat the instant Dumbledore rose from his seat.

“At the end of the last year, I announced that a new class would become available for all the fifth years and up. They would have seen the class Martial Magic in their letter for this year. Finally I have the pleasure of introducing Professor Hallewel” he spoke signing towards me. I slowly rose from my seat and bowed my head slightly.
“She will also be assisting Professor Humphry in his music class this year. Good luck Professor,” he continued and the room started to applaud and I felt my cheeks turn crimson red by all the attention. I quickly sat down as Albus opened the feast and the food appeared on every table.

I let my eyes wonder on every available option in front of me, even though my stomach had wrapped itself in all kinds of knots from all the nerves, I needed to eat something. I felt a nudge in my side taking me out of my trail of thoughts. I looked towards my left seeing Severus with his already filled plate.
“I recommend the roast chicken,” he simply stated before taking a bite himself. I looked in front of me nodding and hesitantly scooping some chicken on my plate.
“Eat... you can’t sleep on an empty stomach. Besides if my calculations are correct you’re running out of a certain remedy” He spoke in the same tone he used warning me about the announcement.

Again nodding I went back to scouting the options, overwhelmed by everything that has happened and was surrounding me.
“Are you alright Miss Hallewel?” I heard Filius ask on the other side of me. I snapped out of it again and faked a smile towards the small man and nodded.
“Just a bit overwhelmed by the many choices that’s all” I said maintaining my smile and he chuckled for a moment.
“Happened to me to, my first year teaching” he said reassuring while he started to recommend things that went well with the chicken that was already on my plate.

After filling my plate up a little more, I started eating. I had to force myself to eat it all, no matter how good it was. I always had trouble eating when I wasn’t comfortable, I just lost my appetite. While some of the Professors around me started on their second serving I was still fighting myself to finish the first plate. Just as I had taken the last bite, the remaining food started to disappear and make room for the dessert spread. Right in front of me, something appeared that made my mouth water. A chocolate gateau, my addiction from when I was a student here.

It has been my ultimate comfort food throughout all those years and I couldn’t help but smile at the fact that it was right in front of me. Without hesitation I lunged forwards taking the biggest piece I saw and dropped in on my plate. I immediately took a bite and closed my eyes for a second savoring the flavor that was still as delicious as I remembered. Opening my eyes hungrily going for the second bite, I noticed Severus slightly leaning towards me.
“I was starting to wonder if we would have to force feed you seeing how long you took to finish your plate,” He whispered, revealing a grin for a short second. I covered my mouth while swallowing the bite.

“Chocolate is my weakness, it’s truly heavens gift” I admitted biting my lip, feeling a light blush covering my cheeks again. He looked me in the eyes for a moment, before sitting up straight again and pointed subtlety towards the chocolate ice-cream that was in front of him. My smile grew as I saw how molted chocolate was covering the cold dessert. I noticed in the corner of my eye that Severus was eating the chocolate ice cream. I grabbed my plate to get a scoop of my own, when I noticed there already was ice cream next to my piece of cake. I just looked at it for a second before I muttered a thank you and just smiled towards him. His face remained in his usual emotionless way, but I swear I could see his dark eyes telling me something else.

As we both went back on eating our dessert, I felt relieved and a little happy. Realizing that I hadn’t ruined the change of a friendship with the man next to me. All the anger I held for him for being so rude the other day vanishing in an instant. Normally I wouldn’t forgive someone so easily, but this was different somehow. It surely confirmed my suspicion that me being late wasn’t the only reason for him being extra cranky last Thursday. In between bites, I looked towards him through the corner of my eyes a couple of times.

After the feast was over, the students started to leave the Great Hall going towards their dorms. Most of the teachers stayed behind for a while, talking about the new students and about the first classes the next morning. While I for once genuinely enjoyed myself with the others, I slowly felt my eyelids getting heavier. Along with some other teachers I excused myself and I was the only one going back towards to the dorms. The others probably making some last rounds, making sure all the students had gone to their dorms.

I reached my door, when I heard footsteps coming closer. A small smile appeared on my face seeing Severus walking to his door on the other side.
“Good night Severus” I said with a smile and he nodded towards me before the both of us entered our own rooms. The closer I got to my bed the heavier my eyelids felt. I quickly got dressed in my nightgown, not even bothering washing my face or brushing my hair. I crawled underneath the covers, for the first time not needing the potion from my nightstand to fall asleep.