My Last Night In Japan
My fourth day back at Hogwarts and three nights without even a minute of sleep. For the last two days I’ve been keeping to myself mostly. Keeping busy with the decorating of my office and classroom. My personal belongings are still in boxes in my dorm, not ready to fully settle down in this castle just yet. I was only among my colleagues to gather some food before returning to my solitude. I didn’t want them to worry right from the start and I didn’t want to admit that I felt unfit for this position.
I was thankful for my make-up skills, thanks to those skills I have been able to look a little healthier than I actually was for the brief moments the rest of the faculty saw me. If they had looked at me a second longer they would have noticed my red eyes and the dark circles that were slightly hidden underneath the concealer. The lack of sleep wasn’t intentional, but the moment my head touched the pillow I was wide-awake; fear growing with every sound I heard. Last night I even tried to sleep on the small couch in front of the warmth of the fireplace, but that was just as big a failure as the comfortable bed.
The layout of my classroom was similar to the Charms classroom. My desk in the center of the back wall, desks for the students lined to the sides and in the middle enough room for demonstrations. Since there were no windows in the dungeons the room was lit with multiple candelabra’s in the middle and a few candleholders on the walls behind the seats for the students. My robe was currently half draped over my desk and my boots were on the floor right beside it. The floor was scattered with parchments and books on potions and charms.
I sat in the middle of that chaos; legs crossed and hair pinned up and kept in place with my wand; I hardly ever used my wand anyway. My hands and arms covered in ink while I fiddled with my quill looking over everything that was surrounding me. If the insomnia wasn’t driving me crazy, the creating part of my lesson plan surely would. I’ve read over a few documents about the same class that was thought at Ilvermorny that Dumbledore had acquired for me. The description of their way of teaching was a complete mess and wasn’t helping me at all.
I still had to figure out how to divide the three different years that I was eventually teaching. Dumbledore had given me complete freedom on the subject, with the only condition that only 5th year and up would attend my classes. Seeing as those students would have enough knowledge to master what I was going to teach them. The fact that this was the first year that this class was an option for the students, it kind of felt unfair to expect more from students in their last year compared to the other two since it was their first time too. Therefore I decided that for the 6th and 7th years this would only be an extra-curricular. One thing I knew for sure though, not every student would get to join this course.
I didn’t want or needed students that wouldn’t take this class serious and just thought this was a glorified dueling club, using the words Severus had used. This was going to be a class that combined the knowledge of Potions, Charms and even some aspects from Defense Against the Dark Arts. One jokester during these demonstrations alone could have catastrophic consequences. I wanted students, which were willing to take this class, to make a test first. Seeing if they had the knowledge and responsibility to succeed in here.
The creation of that test though... that was way harder than I expected. The longer I stared at the books and documents that were surrounding me the blurrier the words got. Trying to focus while being awake this long was pretty much impossible, but I needed to occupy my paranoid brain. My mind and guts were still debating where that paranoia came from, since I hadn’t been sleeping well since Dumbledore paid me a visit. How on earth did that man came up with the idea of letting me teach such a complicated course, while I’ve never taught a whole class before in my life.
Sure I had tutored a few kids back in Japan, but that was always one on one and what I helped them with was never dangerous. The worst injury in the library was a paper cut or tripping over your own feet trying to carry too many books at once. Now I was teaching them dangerous spells and usage of potions in duels that could be lethal if handled wrong. I also wondered if I would be able to educate them well enough to prevent accidents. I was a little relieved though, for my other class I would just be assisting professor Humphry with his class. Preparing me for taking over when he would retire, which could take years.
Why didn’t he pair me up with another wizard or witch on this subject? Someone with experience of teaching youngsters the most responsible way to go about this. It wasn’t like I didn’t have any knowledge myself; I mean I’ve been casting spells since my first words. In my travels I also learned so many things about other magical cultures and their dueling secrets. Still, what gave that insufferable cryptic man the slightest idea that I would be suited to educate others about this? I even had a muggle book about teaching among all this mess, wanting to know the different ways to teach things.
My body felt so heavy, as did my eyelids, but I just knew as soon as I laid down I would be wide awake. With trembling hands I clutched my notebook while I tried to write a few things down. Looking at the words I’ve written I hardly recognized my own script. I threw the notebook away and let my quill slip out of my fingers spilling even more ink on my exposed skin and just stared at the chaos. I was going to fail… that’s for sure. Students... Professors, even Dumbledore would laugh like crazy about my efforts. How on earth would I ever pull this off?
“Still talking to your imaginary friends I see” I slowly lifted my head seeing Severus with his arms crossed and cold emotionless facial expression in the doorway.
“You even sound more depressing and empty-headed then you did eight hours ago” he added in a tone that matched his expression.
“That bastard set me up for failure...” I muttered before lowering my eyes back to the ground around me. After hearing a grunt from the pale dark clothed man, I heard him closing in on me.
“Where are your plans?” He sighed sounding irritated. I pointed to my left where a pile of crumbled up pieces of my notebook was scattered and the source of those sheets among them. Another sigh came from the man, now standing a few feet away from me. There was a tense silence between us for a few moments and I heard my heart going into overdrive.
“You have zero structure and I’ve seen trolls with better writing skills than this” He said looking through the damaged notebook.
“I’ve met trolls with better manners” I sneered back. My temper was already influenced by the lack of sleep, my own failure in getting everything in order in time for the new school year to start and I didn’t needed him to point that out to me as well. I rested my heavy head in my hand while I heard him come closer.
“You insufferable little…” His words suddenly stopped and I looked up seeing him right in front of me, slowly lowering to my level.
“When was the last time you slept?” His voice going from outraged to a softer, less irritated one. I shrugged before shaking my head and I scoffed.
“My last night in Japan...” I muttered before letting my arm fall down on my lap, letting my head hang on its own.
“This castle… this place… I don’t remember all these little sounds and noises… I even hear voices... I can’t figure out if they belong to the ghosts or if they are in my own head anymore” I said feeling my eyes water. “If those long and endless nights aren’t driving me insane. Trying to figure this shit out surely will,” I said waving around me. He stood back up again and walked out of the room.
I felt even more defeated right now, I was a lost cause and he knew it. I was about to let my body crash on the floor, when I heard footsteps. I sat completely still for a few seconds when they stopped. I questioned my sanity for a moment before Severus walked back in. He stopped in the same position in front of me before he left.
“First of all… You should really take better care of your important belongings” He said pointing towards my wand that was tangled up in my hair. I shrugged before pulling it out of my hair, letting the tangled slightly greasy locks fall down over my shoulder.
“I hardly use it anyway,” I muttered before putting my wand back in my leg holster. He looked at me with one eyebrow raised. I waved my hand around a few times while muttered some words. Slowly all the books and papers around me started levitating and fell in to organized piles on my desk behind me. The man in front of me scoffed, rolling his eyes, clearly not impressed.
“Get your head clear and try again,” he said and I nodded, pushing my heavy body of the ground.
I wobbled towards my desk putting on my boots and robe. When I turned around I was a little startled by the fact of how close Severus was to me right now. He pulled out a vial out of his robe filled with a dark purple liquid.
“Sleeping draught?” I asked, while I hesitantly accepted it.
“That should take care of the nights” I looked at the vial for a few seconds.
“Don’t drink it until you’re in bed and one sip should be enough” He warned me like I was a first year, but I didn’t have the energy to fight him on it.
He turned on his heels making his way out.
“Thank you, Severus...” I said, making him stop for a second. Without looking back he left me alone again. Placing the breakable vial in the inner pocket of my robe, when suddenly one thing he said came back to mind. Have I really been in here for over eight hours? If that was true I certainly missed dinner, not that I had any appetite. I guess I should be relieved that nobody came looking for me and found me in my messed up state. Sure Severus found me that way, but I hardly believe he would brag about this little encounter.
The walk towards the teacher dorms felt like it went on forever. By the time I reached my door, I felt the fear creeping back up. I stumbled in, knocking over a box of personal books. I sighed looking at the mess I created in this already stuffy room. I dragged my feet towards my bed, pulling out the vial Severus had given me; placing it carefully on my nightstand. On my way to the bathroom I started dropping pieces of clothing and kicking off my boots at the door. Normally I folded them neatly or throwing them in a hamper, but I had absolutely no energy to do that.
I clutched my hands around the edges of the sink for a moment, trying to stabilize myself. I just stood there completely still, gathering the last bit of strength my body had left to clean myself up. After getting the make-up of my face and an attempt to clean the ink stains from my arms and chest, I hesitantly looked at my own reflection. It felt like there was a corpse staring at me, instead of the girl I normally saw and it kind of scared me. I took of my undergarments and slipped into my nightgown that hung at the door.
Walking back towards my bed, it felt like I had too many drinks by the way I was wobbling. I let myself fall on my back, not even bothering getting under the covers. Just like expected, my body screaming for sleep, but my mind not willing to find some peace. I turned my head looking at the dark purple substance floating around in the small glass bottle. After a few seconds I reached out and pulled my body slightly up so I could take a sip. I opened it and inhaled the scent of the different herbs and other ingredients.
After taking one sip, I placed it back on the nightstand and I went back to staring at the ceiling. I don’t know how much time had passed before my eyelids slowly closed. A small smile forming on my face, finally feeling that sweet moment when you’re about the fall asleep. My mind for the first time since I arrived here a few days ago slowly going blank. The sounds around me disappeared in the same pace and I fully welcomed the blissfulness the potion brought.
I grunted feeling the sun burn on my face through the window behind my bed. I pulled the sheets over me as I turned on my side covering my face in the process. Staying curled up for a moment before I slightly peaked over the edge of my covers and saw the clothing I wore scattered towards the bathroom. When did I get back to my dorm? And did I finally sleep? I guess my body finally won the battle with my mind. A relieved sigh escaped my mouth, relieved that my body and mind finally got some rest. Sure it was still sore, one night can’t fix the time I’ve been awake, but it was progress.
I closed my eyes starting to stretch my body to its limits while turning on my back. I had a smile on my face, staring at the ceiling that I’ve seen every little detail from in previous nights. Slowly my smile disappeared remembering a strange dream. I had been working in my classroom with no results when Severus had entered. First to lecture me and then coming back and helping me. He even gave me something to help me sleep. It felt so real, that it even made me doubt it was a dream. Reliving the last moments I remembered drinking the dark purple liquid.
Slowly I turned my head towards my nightstand and there was the vial that Severus had given me in my dream. Although I was starting to understand that it really happened instead of it just being a dream. It wasn’t full anymore and if I remember correctly Sleeping Draught causes a dreamless sleep. I slowly sat up in the bed and felt slightly embarrassed that the one that I’ve wanted to impress saw me in that awful state. I ran my fingers through my messed up filthy hair and just sat there for a moment thinking back to what he had said.
He was right; I needed to clear my head if I had any chances of succeeding at this. I knew one thing that might help me do just that. I jumped out of bed and started to gather all my clothing putting it on in the bathroom. I looked at my reflection; pleased to see I looked a little healthier than yesterday. With a snap of my fingers my hair looked cleaner and my make-up started to appear on my face again. How I loved being a witch sometimes.
When I left my dorm I had noticed I missed breakfast, but that was okay since my appetite still wasn’t back. I should show my face at lunch though, seeing as I missed dinner last night as well. I walked faster than I normally would and this time I wasn’t going towards the dungeons. I was going to the classroom I would share this year and just hoped that professor Humphry wasn’t there. If this was going to work... I needed to be alone in there for a while. I was glad that the shortcuts I used as a student were still there so I could sneak to the room without running into someone.
I stepped into the music classroom and was relieved it was empty. I immediately felt better seeing all the instruments lined up. My eyes landed on one that was covered underneath a silky sheet. I pulled the fabric away and revealed the beautiful piece. I always wanted one of my own, but never had the space or money for it. I let my fingers glide across the top of the black Bösendorfer, it was just like the one at home I thought to myself with a smile on my face. I thought back to the time I had spent behind this gorgeous instrument at home. My mother was an incredible musician. Playing multiple instruments and having an almost angelic voice.
People always told me that I had my vocal skills from her and that always made me blush. In my opinion her voice was so much better. One of my first memories with her was making music together. In the years that followed we sang together whenever we had the time and she taught me how to play the piano. Once I got older my mother showed me a spell to let some instruments play on its own. That way the two of us could perform whole songs sounding like a whole group was working on it.
I opened the front and main lid of the grand piano and admired its beauty. I sat down at the piano and pulled my hair in a high ponytail. I let my fingers hover just above the keys and my smile got even bigger while my mind was flooded with happy memories of my mother. So many songs went through my head at the moment. I’ve heard so many songs and amazing artists on my travels that there were so many choices right now. I started playing different melodies on the piano just to get the feeling back of playing.
Suddenly the choice became clear and I looked up towards the other instruments. I started to mutter the words from my mother’s spell and pointed towards the ones that I needed. The firsts notes from the violins and cello’s filled the room as I waited with closed eyes for the perfect moment to join in.
“I remember tears streaming down your face when I said I’ll never let you go
When all those shadows almost killed your light
I remember you said don’t leave me hear alone
But all that’s dead and gone and passed tonight
Just close your eyes, the sun is going down
You’ll be alright, no one can hurt you now
Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound
Don’t you dare look out your window, darling everything’s on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold onto this lullaby even when the music’s gone, gone”
I completely lost myself in the music and I felt all my worries and fear disappear in the moment before singing the last words.
“Just close your eyes, you’ll be alright
Come morning light, you and I’ll be safe and sound” During the remainder of the song I just hummed along as I let the song come to it’s perfect end. I opened my eyes when I played the last note. All the instruments around me fell silent and one single tear rolled over my cheek.
“I told you she would be to perfect successor for your course Professor Humphry” I was startled for a second when I heard the familiar voice speak behind me.
“Looks like I finally get to retire next year” I heard that Professor say. I slowly turned around and saw four people in front of me. Minerva, Albus, Harvey and Severus all stood there in front of me. While my eyes lingered on the last, I felt the embarrassment of this morning coming back and my cheeks were starting to burn.
“We got a little worried after you missed two meals” Minerva said and I immediately looked down to my lap.
“I never meant to make you worried, I’m so sorry” I blurted out nervously. I was really caught off guard here. One moment I was fully emerged into the music and the next I was sucked back to reality by four spectators; whom I never heard entering.
“I got caught up in my work yesterday and I needed a break from it I guess. Get my head cleared,” I said regaining some of my confidence, looking towards Severus while I spoke those last words.
I had noticed that the other three had a smile on their faces while looking at me, while his face remained in his emotionless way. Though his eyes told something different, I wasn’t sure what that was yet. Did he maybe recognize... No, he couldn’t, he wouldn’t… Maybe he just likes my voice but didn’t want to show it?
“Why don’t you join us on the last part of our safety round before we have lunch” Minerva said smiling even bigger now and I just couldn’t say no to her invitation. I needed to blend in with them someday. I just nodded and got up from the small bench. With a wave of my hand the grand piano closed and the cover slowly draped over it.
“How could I have overlooked a skilled student like yourself Miss Hallewel?” Minerva said as I walked closer.
“I wasn’t one to brag, I preferred to be alone most of the time, not really wanting any attention really… And please call me Alyssa” I said smiling back, looking towards Dumbledore for a moment. Wondering if he had cast a spell to make the teachers forget about me.
“Let us continue on then” The man said and walked ahead, closely followed by Minerva and Harvey. Severus seemed to linger for a second before joining them as well; I looked over my shoulder for a moment determined to return here as soon as possible. Only then making sure the door was locked.
During the walk Harvey and Minerva talked all about the different types of students and how to handle them properly. Harvey was clearly fonder of the softer way of teaching while Minerva was clearly stricter, just like I remembered her to be. I was getting curious about how Severus was in his class though, I remembered the previous Potion Master very well. I was never in his little Slug Club, but I managed to get pretty good grades anyway. Professor Slughorn always favored the students good enough to be in his club and I wondered if Severus had a similar kind of thing.
After the rounds, the five of us went back to the Great Hall to join the rest of the faculty. I was surprised Severus stayed this time, after what he said to me the first day and leaving after grabbing some food like I’ve been doing for the past few days. After Dumbledore excused himself to talk to Filch and Hagrid; the rest of us sat down at one of the tables, normally used by the students.
“So... Alyssa what is your plan for Martial Magic?” Harvey asked before taking a bite of his sandwich. I bit my lip for a moment looking at my plate feeling my appetite disappearing once again.
“Honestly I’m still working on it. I’ve never done this before so there are quite a few things I still have to figure out,” I said feeling pretty dumb at the moment.
“Have you got any ideas on how you wanted to do this?” Minerva then asked and I nodded.
I started to explain how I wanted to use a test to make sure the students that applied were serious enough about the course. I told them how I decided to only teach the 6th and 7th years a more extra-curricular type of class, since there simply wasn’t enough time to prepare them for the N.E.W.T.’s, but I still wanted to give them a taste of this subject. I felt kind of relieved sharing all of this and even Severus seemed interested in what I had to say.
“Is a test really necessary?” Harvey asked a bit hesitant about the idea and for the first time today Severus spoke in my presence.
“The students need to know what they’re in for and since the students will execute what they will learn it’s best not to take any chances on those who do not take it seriously” Minerva nodded at those words.
“Severus is right. After all this is a N.E.W.T. level Elective and not everyone is cut out for that” It really felt good to have the support of at least two of my experienced colleagues.
“Why don’t you come to my office after this and we can work on your lessons” Minerva said and I eagerly nodded with a big smile on my face.
“Yes please. Thank you” I added and she smiled back at me. During the remainder of our lunch Minerva and Harvey asked more personal questions about my family, my musical abilities and me. I’ve told them that my mother had passed away at the end of my sixth year and lied that my father had committed suicide at the end of my seventh. Explaining that was why I had been traveling for the last ten years.
I had stayed with Minerva the rest of the day; taking a break around dinner time and going straight back after to continue working. I was really happy with the help she provided me. Now I had a rough plan on how to do this. For the first month I would combine the different years in one class and I would start with an introduction of this class. After that month the 5th years would separate and 6th and 7th years would stay combined for the rest of the year, seeing as this would be more an extra-curricular course for them.
After I expressed my gratefulness for the 100th time, I left Minerva in her office while I went back to the dorms. Clutching all the papers and an almost full notebook in my arms, I was walking through the halls. For the first time I felt slightly capable of pulling this off, maybe that old cryptic bastard was right about this. Although I hated to admit that. I was starting to envision how it would be once the students were in my class and I just hoped they would respect me like I always respected Minerva as my teacher.
Suddenly I walked right into something, or rather someone and everything that was in my arms fell to the ground.
“Oh god I’m so sorry” I said while leaning down to pick everything up.
“Watch were you’re going next time” I looked up at the angry face of Severus.
“I will, once again sorry,” I said slightly bowing my head after I picked everything from the ground and he just grunted. While we looked at each other, his eyes softened just like they had in the music room.
He placed his hand on the doorknob next to us and I got the hint that I was standing in the way. I stepped to the side, ready to walk towards my own door when he spoke again.
“If you need any help on that test, come to my office tomorrow afternoon” I was a bit surprised at his offer, since he made it very clear that he liked his solitude as much as I did in my student years.
“Unless you got it all figured out already?” he asked impatiently after I had stayed silent for longer than I had realized and I immediately shook my head.
“It’s not that. I could use all the help I can get honestly,” I said smiling towards him and he just nodded.
“I’ll expect you there at 1. Don’t be late” he said opening his door and I just nodded.
“I won’t. Thank you Severus,” I said ecstatic and walked towards my door.
“Goodnight Severus” I said over my shoulder just before he closed the door. I dropped my stuff on the first free table in my dorm and looked back towards my door for a moment.
Maybe, just maybe I could have that friendship that I’ve wanted with him so many years ago after all.
For those of you who are curious about the songs:
The Music:
The Original song: