Speak To Me

I stepped out of the small grocery store, in one hand my umbrella and the other a bag filled with fresh ingredients for my dinner. The water poured down the edges of the rooftops and streamed like a small brook along the sidewalk. There were a few people waiting for a bus or trying to get a cab. The bus was no use for me since there was no stop near my house and with the time I would lose trying to get a cab I could be halfway home. Besides, the rain never bothered me that much.

I took one of the shortcuts towards my house that led me through the more quiet streets in the village. I came across maybe three other people walking in the pouring rain and I could count the cars that passed me on one hand. I loved the serenity that was surrounding me, the sounds of my heels hitting the cobblestone street and the rain hitting my umbrella was all I heard. I immediately had fallen in love with this place when I first arrived here five years ago. At first I hadn’t intended on staying, but seeing how many years had passed without any confrontation from my past I finally felt safe enough to settle down.

I was registered at the Japanese Ministry of Magic under the name I had taken after I fled Hogwarts after graduating early and I had shown I was no threat to the Wizarding Code. I used magic every now and then in my own home, but never outside. I didn’t mind living like a muggle since that way the possibility of being discovered was minuscule. I worked at a small library, the pay wasn’t great, but it was enough to live comfortably in my small traditional home.

I turned the last corner and I saw my home in the distant. A small smile formed on my face, longing to let my body fall on the couch and enjoy a cup of tea before starting dinner. As I closed in I started to notice someone standing on my porch. I recognized him immediately and a small pit formed in my stomach fearing why that man was here. This was the first time he visited me in ten years and I feared he was here to claim the debt. I walked up to my porch and made brief eye contact with the elderly man.

After I folded my umbrella and opened my door I turned towards him.
“I would appreciate it if you leave your shoes at the door” I spoke softly before stepping inside myself. I dropped my umbrella in the bin and took of my shoes. With a snap of my fingers my clothes dried and I stepped into my slippers. I heard the man entering behind me, but I just couldn’t turn around and face him.
“The living room is over there, I’ll make some tea” I said pointing towards my left before walking towards the kitchen.

I felt my hands starting to tremble as I was preparing tea. What could he want from me after all those years? I know I promised I would repay him for helping me escape and possibly save my life, but still this was one of those days I feared for a long time. That maybe even more than my true identity being discovered. I started to put away my groceries while all these thoughts were dominating my mind. I grabbed a tray along with my tea set while I waited for the water to boil. I took the pin out of my hair and let the long blue and purple locks cascade over my shoulder before letting out a sigh. The tea was ready and I knew I had to face him.

I finally had my tremble under control as I walked towards the living room with the tray. I saw him sitting down at my kotatsu and after putting the tray down I sat down across from him.
“I see you dyed your hair. Your mother’s favorite colors correct?” I choose not to answer his question and just poured him a cup of the hot liquid.
“It pleases me to see your life in the shadows haven’t tempered with your innocence. You even managed to get a pretty good life for yourself” He continued. I took the cup in my hands and looked at its content.
“Don’t…” I muttered before looking at the man.
“I know you’re not here for small chitchat. So tell me, why are you really here, Professor” A small smirk appeared on his face for a brief moment before looking over the rim of his glasses towards me.

“It’s time, Miss Hallewel” I felt relieved he chose to call me by my new name, a little unsettled on how he knew it. But then again, the man always seemed to know everything about everyone. My hands started to tremble again and I placed the cup back on the table. I tried to find the words, but they just wouldn’t leave my lips. So we just sat there in silence while he drank his tea.
“I can’t” I said softly and scared. It was now Dumbledore’s turn to put the cup back on the table, which was empty now. I picked up the pot and refilled his cup, while still trying to steady my hands again.

“I have made arrangements. Hogwarts is introducing a new class this year, with you as its teacher. Professor Humphry could also use your assistance in his music class.” My head started spinning as I realized refusing wasn’t an option this time. I felt my eyes burning; feeling everything I had worked for the last years was slipping out of my hands. The home I build in this beautiful country that felt as the first safe place after a long time of running and hiding. I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat and I looked back up towards the man.

“One condition…” I said as I felt one tear slip over my cheek.
“My true identity stays a secret” And he just nodded.
“I would like to welcome you back to the castle in two weeks. So you have time to make some arrangements of your own and settle things here” I just nodded in return, before turning my attention towards my cup. I heard him drink his second cup and standing up from his seat.
“Thank you for the tea, I look forward to seeing you back again”.

I heard him leave my home and I just sat there, feeling frozen in my seat. All the appetite I had was gone and I just felt a wave of sadness coming over me. Deep down I knew this life I created for myself wouldn’t last, but I had hoped to enjoy it a little longer than this. Questions also started to float around in my head. Like why would he need me as a Professor at Hogwarts after ten years? Voldemort was gone, the war was over and they had won. What threat could be lurking at the wizarding world that he needed me for?

I guess I would find that out at Hogwarts, but knowing the complexity of its headmaster, it could take a lot of time before I really found out. Nevertheless, Hogwarts contained the answers right now. The thought of running again did cross my mind, but that attempt would be in vain. I knew the man that helped me escape my faith would always have a way to find me. I sighed before drinking my tea that was lukewarm by now. I got up and decided to start the arrangements. Realizing that I had no choice than to go back to where I came from.

The two weeks had passed way too fast for me and I already missed my home back in Japan. I stood there at the edge of the Hogwarts property clutching my suitcase in my hand. The rest of my stuff was already at the castle and I was carrying the last of my belongings that fitted in one case. I was getting curious though if the school had changed much since I’ve been a student there. It has been ten full years, so I was pretty sure some of the Professors would have changed.

I started the final walk towards my new home for as long as Dumbledore wanted me to be here. I just hoped that after I had done what he wanted me to do, I could return to the small village and live my calm and peaceful life. I know I could just have apparated at the doorstep since the protection for that spell on the property itself wouldn´t be up until the students arrived, but I kind of needed this walk. I guess I wanted to delay my arrival as long as possible. My heels crunched on the gravel path that led up to the castle and my suitcase felt heavier with every step I took.

Dumbledore had told me that the rest of the staff knew I had attended the school, but said I just kept a low profile so he wouldn’t blame anyone if they wouldn’t remember me. It still made me a little nervous though; what if they did recognized me. Especially since some aspects of my appearance aren’t exactly normal. Sure I dyed my hair, but my eyes still remained the same unique way. I’ve considered concealing them many times on the run, but I just couldn’t change the one feature of my looks that my mother loved the most.

I reached the main entrance of the Castle faster than I hoped and I just stood there for a second. I placed my suitcase on the ground and turned around. I looked around the grounds and I smiled. This place was as beautiful as ever, it was just as I remembered and loved. I heard the door open behind me and I turned around and saw the first familiar face. Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts, he hasn’t changed a bit. He was still the shriveled old man as he was in my day.

“Miss Hallewel, I presume?” and I nodded as I leaned down to grab my case from the ground, but he beat me to it.
“I’ll take that, Dumbledore expects everyone in the Great Hall” he muttered and before I could answer he walked away. Still the same old cranky man as always, I thought to myself before setting foot in the castle. This would be the first time I would walk around this place without it being crowded by fellow students, as the term wasn’t starting for another two weeks.

I took off the hood of my long black robe after a few steps and I looked around. I closed my eyes for a second and inhaled the familiar scent of the old castle. My robe was form fitting around the waist and flared out around my hips. The wide hood cascaded over my shoulders underneath my long pastel colored hair, the sleeves were slightly widened at the end and the robe was closed with a line of small silver buttons. I refused to wear a dress underneath it, but I didn’t wanted to stand out too much. I choose a black halter corset top and a pair of black jeans. I looked down and started to straighten my clothes as a nervous tick, before I found the courage to make my way towards the Great Hall. The high heels of my knee length leather boots echoed through the empty hallway.

It really did feel weird being in the school while it was abandoned during the day, I was used to the silence that filled the corridors at night, but to have it during the day felt totally different. Especially because I was allowed to be here right now and I wouldn’t have to worry about being caught. I saw the doors of the Great Hall getting closer and the nerves got the best of me. I so wasn’t ready for this, but then again I didn’t really have much of a choice and there was no going back now. I stood a couple feet away from the opened door, trying to steady my heartbeat before feeling ready enough to enter.

“Can I help you miss?” I was startled for a second when someone suddenly spoke behind me, but there was something familiar about his voice. I slowly turned around, to face the man that spoke to me. There he was, the boy from my house I had respected and maybe even admired from afar throughout my school years. He was a fully-grown man now, but I could still see the scrawny socially awkward boy from my house. I hadn’t realized I was staring until he scraped his throat.
“Are you even supposed to be here? The school year doesn’t start for another two weeks.” He sneered while he looked down on me. I opened my mouth to answer, when both of our attentions went towards someone that interrupted us.

“Ah Miss Hallewel, welcome back to Hogwarts” I greeted the headmaster with a small smile.
“This is the new Professor? Since when do you hire children who tripped head first into paint?” I snapped my head back towards the other man ready to yell at him for his snarky remark, when Dumbledore intervened again.
“She is only two years younger than you Severus and an extraordinary gifted witch,” Severus just grunted before he passed the headmaster entering the Great Hall. Dumbledore gestured to follow and I did. Internally sighing and wishing I could have a do-over of that encounter.

After a brief word from Dumbledore, introducing me and my new class to the rest of the staff, I talked to everyone there, telling them where I’ve been in the last decade after I graduated. I told them all about my travels, keeping the reason for my many destinations to myself, claiming I was on an adventure to discover more about the wizarding world. I felt like I was a student all over again, faking most of my smiles and telling a more glorified version of my life. It was suffocating me and as soon as the rain of questions died out I excused myself going to explore the castle.

As I walked through the hallway, I thought back to the situation in the Great Hall. Everyone wanted to know everything about me, except for one. Severus had kept his distance the whole time. It had bothered me the whole time I was there so it was hard to focus on the explanation of how things worked at Hogwarts the rest of the faculty was talking about. I tried to push everything out of my too crowded mind while I was strolling through the place I had called home for seven years. It was still as big and astonishing as it was in my memories. It made me wonder if my hiding places where still there, thinking back on the stories about how the castle is always changing.

I ended my journey through my past in the dungeons, since that is where my office and classroom were located. The cold air that hit my face was one of those delightful familiarities that made me feel like a child again. In the years before I found out what my father had in store for me, I had always wanted to work here. So the little girl inside me was happy that the opportunity was finally there, the adult inside me just wished it was under better circumstances. Back in Japan I used to help children with their homework all the time and the gratification I got from that made the pay worth it.

I walked closer to the walls and let my fingers glide over the cold stones, closing my eyes for a moment taking in one of my favorite parts of this place. I had always loved the mysteries that engulfed the cold dungeons. The darker sides of the castle always brought some serenity when I felt suffocated faking my way through the forced friendships I made. I always wanted a friendship with Severus, but never had the courage to step up to him somehow. Maybe because he liked to be on his own as well as me and I respected his wishes.

I did make one real friend though while I was here. It was a more secretive friendship, since we were in rivalry houses. He caught me once sneaking around, trying to prevent his idiotic friends from pulling a prank on Severus. On our next encounter I had caught him sneaking around and that moment I had promised to keep his secret if he kept mine. We met up on a regular base, just hanging out. I really missed him in my last two years after he graduated, I lost my only true friend at this place that day.

He was one of those individuals I thought about while I was in hiding. Hoping he was okay after the war, hoping he found happiness and peace just like I did the past five years. I stood still in front of my office and I slowly opened it. It was a simple small office and as I looked around I started to envision what I could do to make it my own. After spending a few minutes in the office I wanted to check out my classroom. I cross the hallway and opened the next door.

It felt enormous, but that could be because it was empty. Dumbledore had told me I had freedom to arrange the classroom whatever way I seemed fit. I went in and stopped in the center of it. Again my mind started to fantasize on how it could look like.
“Isn’t Martial Magic just a glorified Dueling Club?” I turned around and saw Severus leaning against the doorpost with his arms crossed and that same emotionless look on his face he had since we met a few hours ago.

“I guess Dumbledore felt the need of this glorified Dueling Club. Since it was his idea in the first place” I shot back while a grin started to form on my face and I mimicked his stance. We just stood there for a few silent moments before he broke eye contact by rolling his eyes.
“I came to inform you that there is food in the Great Hall if you’re hungry” Now that he mentioned it, I started to notice how hungry I was. Before I got a chance to answer him he had walked away. I followed him and noticed in the hallway that he was going in another direction. I stood there confused for a moment, reassuring myself that he wasn’t walking in the direction of the Great Hall.

“Aren’t you hungry?” I yelled after him.
“I prefer to eat my meals in solitary whenever I can” he answered without looking back. I was a little disappointed, since I wanted to talk to him some more. I closed my classroom behind me and made my way towards the Great Hall. I started the wonder if he really didn’t recognize me at all. I know we weren’t friends, but we saw each other regularly since we were in the same house. Was I really that invisible for him? If I did look even a little familiar to him, he did a great job in hiding that. Or perhaps my identity truly was a secret here and I should be relieved by that.

Still... why did it bother me so much that he didn’t recognize me, even though that was the one condition I had for returning here. I tried to clear my head, as I got closer to my destination, trying to bring up the façade I had to keep up for the time being. There was a possibility I would actually connect with some of my new coworkers, but for now I was satisfied with a wall around me. Falling back in my old ways of protecting myself from harm. I was afraid of being myself for as long as I can remember, growing up protected like a porcelain doll.

I had been myself with the amount of people that I could count on one hand. My mother was one of them. The pain of losing her still remained deep in my heart and I still missed her every single day. My father was a whole different story, I always felt like I needed to prove myself to him and play the part of the perfect daughter. Too bad the vision he had for me wasn’t what I wanted.

I was lost in my own world for the most part of the dinner, millions of thoughts clouding my mind. Feeling overwhelmed by every emotion and memory that came back to me the moment I sat foot in this place. I tried to involve myself in the conversations the rest of the faculty had, but my mind couldn’t process any of it. I excused myself once again, this time heading towards the teachers dorms.

It took me a little while to find my own, since this was a part of the school I’ve never been to before. I entered my dorm and looked around after turning on the lights. It was a small cozy room, divided into two areas. A relaxing area with a small couch and a coffee table in front of a fireplace. Towards the back was the sleeping area, a small step and an open arch leading towards a bed. The room was filled with boxes containing my stuff, but I didn’t have the energy to deal with that right now. I walked towards my bed and found my suitcase on a big trunk at the foot of it.

I looked to the right and saw an open door that led to a small bathroom. I took my toiletries and a long-sleeved nightgown out of my suitcase and went in. It was nice, just a little smaller than the one in my previous home. I placed all my stuff in the right places and looked at myself in the mirror for a moment. I ran my fingers through my hair a couple of times taking out the small braids that were scattered throughout. I brushed my hair quickly before turning on the shower.

After I had undressed I carefully stepped under the running water, immediately closing my eyes and welcoming the warmth that was running down my body. Letting my thoughts leave my mind while standing under the stream. I took more time then I usually did, but I really needed it. With my wet hair clinging to my nightgown I shuffled towards my bed letting my body fall after I pulled the covers back. With a snap of my fingers the lights went out and I closed my eyes. This day had drained all the energy out of me, but somehow I couldn’t get to that blissful place of sleep. My eyes slowly opened and I stared at the ceiling.

Young me had envisioned this moment so much better. I just felt out of place here now actually, even though everything felt familiar. I felt like I didn’t belong here and my eyes started to burn. I covered my mouth as I felt the tears running down my face while fear took over my body. The fear of being here... the fear of being discovered. Why did he have to bring me back here? Why couldn’t he just let me be…?