Fruit
It took way longer than usual for Sirius to fall asleep that night.
Before the Marauders meeting, he thought it wouldn’t take long at all because he would just meditate, box up all of his feelings, and drift off, but after Remus had talked to them all he knew he didn’t need to. It was still a strange feeling – he didn’t need to shut himself away, but he could. He didn’t have to, but it might be easier. Did he want to, or not? Did he want Remus to know, or not? He could just let Remus know, but he didn’t have to. He could feel however he wanted, but how did he want to feel? It was somewhat confusing.
And then there was the idea of Remus wanking in the next bed. It had happened before without him knowing, with Remus using a silencing charm, and the thought wouldn’t get out of his head. It was a thought that came back over and over again, and that combined with the thought that Remus had said he could do whatever he wanted, that he didn’t want to be treated like a china doll, that he finally decided to do something about his lust and his lack of sleep. What were the chances that Remus was still awake too, anyway?
He cast a nonverbal silencing charm and let his mind wander, pushing the worry away almost in exhaustion. Let himself slip a hand down under his clothing. Let himself breathe.
Lily had said he liked how he smelled. So maybe he couldn’t do anything about it, he could still imagine Remus’ want – and how his voice might sound if he got what he wanted. His mind supplied him with little snippets of Remus’ voice that he hadn’t wanted to react to at the time, but sure as hell thought about later, the last of which, embarrassingly, had been of Remus moaning through a mouthful of dark chocolate. Then he had the thought of Remus, moaning into his skin, licking and sucking on his neck and my hands all over him and him on top of me and – and –
That turned out to be the first night of many ending the same way.
The following days were a blessing and a curse for Sirius. Remus was true to his word in that he ignored what the others were feeling, but that didn’t always carry over to everything staying how it was before. In some ways, this new openness seemed to make Remus more affectionate than ever. He seemed much more willing to give Sirius hugs and play with his hair when Sirius was less concerned about hiding his enjoyment of it. Not hiding was odd in and of itself – it was strange, to almost have force himself not to hide, instead of constantly checking his emotions. Not that he always succeeded; he still tried to hide his attraction most of the time, not wanting to make Remus uncomfortable. It was a strange kind of balancing act, one that Sirius was still getting used to.
But it was so worth it to have Remus touch him more.
Remus seemed to like their increased interaction too. He caught him smiling at him more often, his slightly-sharper-than-normal canine teeth peeking adorably out from behind his lips. Remus hated his teeth, like he hated his scars and his strength and his high-metabolism body, but like everything about him, Sirius thought they were incredibly adorable. And sexy. And he didn’t care about hiding it.
But he still didn’t know if Remus liked him, or just liked how he smelled. Lily seemed to think that Remus liked him back, enough to be trying to push them together. For now, it was just little things, like kicking him off the couch to sit in front of Remus on the floor, which had just happened to end up with his head in his lap and Remus stroking his hair. Sirius had loved it but hoped Lily’s nudges stayed small; he knew that just the previous day Lily had schemed to get Marlene and Dorcas locked into an empty classroom together for several hours, and they had come out holding hands, blushing adorably at the small crowd gathered to cheer them on. Not that he would particularly mind being stuck in a room with Remus, but what if he didn’t like him back?
And then, beyond the increased touching, there were times when Sirius thought Remus knew he turned him on and did it intentionally. Like the other day, when Remus had come out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel, his hair still dripping wet, saying “Oops, I forgot my robes.” Sirius almost choked, and hastily looked away, but not before he saw Remus look right at him and grin.
And then there was the time when they were at Hogsmeade, James and Lily on their date, and Remus and Sirius and Peter had just stepped out of Honeydukes and were enjoying the last of the autumn leaves. Remus was enjoying a rainbow-colored lollipop, which was a bit odd – usually, he would get something chocolate flavored.
Sirius suspected that Remus liked certain foods – chocolate, chicken soup, bacon - because they didn’t have emotions associated with them. It had been a long time since he had asked about what his lycanthropy was like; while Remus had been uncomfortable, he had thought it fascinating that Remus had a whole other sense of the world hidden to him. Remus likened it to having double vision; usually, it was easy to identify what scents were coming from where, but he didn’t necessarily always want to be reminded of his uncanny emotion sensing when he was trying to enjoy food.
“What flavor is that, Remus? I didn’t see you pick it up inside,” asked Peter, walking ahead of the other two on the street as they headed to the Three Broomsticks.
“It’s a different fruit every time I lick. I thought it looked interesting. What are you thinking, Sirius?” Remus looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye, prompting him to ask his question. Maybe it was his surprise at being asked about his curiosity so directly, or maybe it was the way the light filtered through Remus’ curls, but the question came tumbling out of his mouth.
“What are fruity smells like to you?” Sirius was glad he accepted the question. For a second he worried that it would make him upset, but instead, the question seemed to amuse him.
Remus considered for a second, stopping to look around them at the empty street before answering. “It depends on the person, and the fruit. Sometimes it’s amusement or excitement, sometimes it’s something like restlessness… I think sometimes it’s lust.” He said this last bit softly, looking Sirius straight in the eyes, and then, when he couldn’t bring himself to look away, he placed the candy on his tongue and sucked it into his mouth while looking at him with his bright golden eyes.
Sirius could have sworn that all of the air in the world had been vanished at that moment. He couldn’t breath properly for a good long while into their butterbeers, thankful as hell that robes were concealing, and that Peter was oblivious, happy talking with Remus (who also seemed somewhat distracted) and absently playing with a muggle deck of cards. Sirius knew he couldn’t be more obvious to Remus if he tried, but he couldn’t help it. And he didn’t care; Remus had to know what image his lips had made. He had to.
Those lips were a heavy feature in the daydreams Sirius had that night, silencing charm around his bed as strong as ever.
The next morning, Sirius’ head was so full of Remus – of the events of the past weeks, of not hiding anymore, and of this strange new hope that he had, that Remus could like him, could want him – that he almost didn’t realize the barn owl standing at attention in front of him was offering an official looking letter, looking increasingly irritated at being left in the lurch. It wasn’t an owl he recognized; he would definitely have noticed the Black family owl as an official Disruptor of His Peace.
He hastily took the letter and held out a bit of toast to the owl as an offering, which was accepted with a flash of brown and white wings.
Dear Sirius Black,
I regret to inform you of the death of your uncle, Alphard Black, who passed away early this morning at St. Mungo’s due to a bad case of dragonpox.
This is an official notice of your inheritance, as you are listed as the primary beneficiary in Mr. Black’s will. There has been some contention regarding the contents of the will from other members of the Black family, however, the last will of Mr. Black is a magically binding document and cannot be undone. Your property in London will be appropriately secured by an official at the ministry for the remainder of your time at Hogwarts, and all other items will be in your personal vault at Gringotts.
I hope this arrangement is acceptable. My deepest sympathies for your loss.
Cordially,
Angelica Foxtail
Department of Magical Law Enforcement
Also attached was what seemed to be a list of items that were now apparently Sirius’. He couldn’t make his eyes focus after the second item on the list.
He had his own apartment now, in London – where he had been thinking of living after Hogwarts with James and Peter and Remus. They could now live there together.
He had his own money now, and he wouldn’t have to rely on the Potter’s infinite kindness. He loved his adoptive parents, and they would never allow him to, but he could pay them back if he wanted. He could almost hear Euphemia in his head, scolding him for even thinking of the idea.
And he had one less uncle. One less Black that he could actually stand.
His memories of his uncle weren’t many – the man never did get along with the rest of the family, and that was something they connected on instantly, standing on the balcony in the cold talking for hours rather than going back inside and listening to the rest of them for one more second. He didn’t mean to, but he had pushed all contact with the Black family away when he left to live with the Potters, and that had accidentally included Alphard. Apparently, Alphard hadn’t forgotten him.
Sirius had previously been riding such a high that this news caught him off guard, and his first thought told him to stop, not think, run away, hide, don’t upset Remus. Remus, who was now sitting with the rest of them, talking quietly while waiting for Sirius to spill whatever it was that he had just read. Remus, who had told Sirius not to hide anymore.
Sirius knew he could feel whatever he wanted to, but he didn’t know what he wanted, other than to escape. Everything going on in the great hall was suddenly too much, he wanted to run, to be a dog and not feel things, to stop everything for a second.
“I’m going back to the dorm,” he said, standing up quickly.
“What happened? Are you alright?” asked James, standing up too, looking at him with concern.
“I’m fine. My uncle Alphard died. This letter was telling me he left me most of his things.” Sirius knew James would understand, he had told him about his family enough before in the past.
Sirius thought for a second about going to the Room of Requirement, but if he could listen to himself for a second, he knew that what he wanted was to hide in his own bed at the moment, and that was where he found himself as soon as he could, curtains drawn, covers over his head.
For being so attuned to his emotions for Remus, this was quite a tangle. He was so angry at the world, for giving him one good relation and then taking him away again.
And then, was it wrong to feel relieved about his inheritance? He had given up a lot leaving the Blacks, and quite gladly, but he couldn’t deny he had been worried about leaving Hogwarts behind and not knowing where he was going to live or what he was going to do. He had the Potters, of course, and his inventions and ideas, but they were only just ideas. And he wanted so badly to keep his friends close, Peter and James and Remus, and now it seemed like their plan would work, he could keep them.
And then, of course, it was an overwhelming crush of realization that he would never talk to him again, this kind old man who had known him for a few of hours over a few holidays and had given him everything. It was not fair. It was not fair.
And then, there was the mention of "some contention regarding the contents of the will from other members of the Black family", which no doubt meant they were raising hell about the perceived injustice of Black family possessions going to someone who was burned off of the tapestry. He wouldn’t be surprised if he found Alphard had now been burned off too, if he ever stepped a foot in that dreadful house again. Not that that mattered, Alphard never wanted any part of it anyway, but the thought of his mother’s anger made him want to disappear, and he could feel his heartbeat pounding louder and faster than it should have.
Sirius was just reminding himself how to breath when he heard someone come into the dorm, and then soft steps to his bed.
“I’m glad I found you here. Can I lie next to you?” Remus’ voice drifted softly through the curtains.
“You can if you want.” Sirius knew he must smell awful. He knew Remus hated the scents of fear and anger and sadness, but he didn’t have to be here, he was choosing to, right? And Remus had mentioned they got easier to deal with the more he got used to them; the first time when he threw up, he wasn’t used to living with more than two people.
Sirius felt Remus move the curtains aside and pull the covers back. He crawled into the sheets beside him, replacing the curtains and pulling the blankets around them in their own personal cocoon. Sirius had expected him to lay on top of the blankets, or to stay as far away from him as possible, but instead he put an arm around him and laid his head on his shoulder. Sirius felt himself relax at the touch and breathed slowly. He still felt awful, and worried about what scents he was giving off, but having him here was better than a dream.
“Thank you,” murmured Remus.
“For what?” Sirius was lying as still as possible, hoping he wouldn’t pull away.
“For being here, instead of the Room of Requirement. For letting me hug you, and for you feeling whatever you want to feel. Is this alright?”
“Yes.” This is much more than alright. “Thanks, for being here. This helps.”
“Good. I always want to take care of you.”
Sirius’ hand found Remus’ under the covers and he laced their fingers together without thinking about it. “I’ve inherited his London apartment. The Marauders could all live there after this year is over, like we talked about… would you like that?” Sirius hoped he could distract Remus from their hands. He hadn’t meant to hold his hand like that, but it felt so right.
“I would love that.” Remus sounded so pleased that Sirius couldn’t doubt him. It was a bloom of joy in their cocoon, and it was a promise that everything would be okay.
Later, Sirius realized that what he felt tucked under Remus’ arm was loved. He knew that Remus wouldn’t have done the same for James, or Peter, although he would have cared for them if they needed it. Remus might like him. Remus might love him. Lily might be right, and he also liked how Sirius smelled when he wanted him.
And with that thought, the image of him sucking on his lollipop drifted through his mind unbidden. Remus had done that intentionally; he was almost sure of it. And he knew Remus well enough to know he wouldn’t have done that just for fun, or on a whim. Did that mean he was actually suggesting doing what he was implying?
Sirius had to know; he couldn’t stay in this limbo anymore. He wanted to resolve something between them. He wanted to hold Remus’ hand every day, and to get hugs whenever he wanted. He wanted to sleep in the same bed as Remus when they moved in together after Hogwarts. He wanted to suck Remus’ dick. He wanted to get pounded into his mattress.
He wanted to do something besides hope.
He was going to do something.