Vanilla and Almond
What the hell?
What the hell was that? What did he even get himself into? Why did he have to be stuck in his bed, trying to stay calm and not have his heart beat out of his chest, when Sirius had just given him a look like that when smelling like vanilla, like cookies and maybe like almond, like he had smelled when they had all drank firewhisky and stayed up until 3am and Sirius had gotten emotional and told them that he loved them all, except now it was directed at him and it was mixed with that apple smell and he couldn’t understand what was going on.
He knew that this was going to be an emotional evening from the start, because those ancient magical spirits were apparently still mad at him or whatever. At this point, he was just trying to get it all over with, or as much as he could stand. He knew that his friends might be uncomfortable, especially Sirius, seeing as he had practically been hiding from them all evening. James had tried to deflect from the fact that Sirius had been off the map in the Room of Requirement by pointing out when he arrived at the kitchens, but it didn’t help, Remus knew it already.
When Sirius had mentioned Legilimency, his stomach had dropped through the floor, probably ending up in the dungeons. James had smelled like tobacco when he said he’d told Sirius about the Legilimency thing later, but perhaps it was because they were technically tricking Lily about it in the first place, and the more James loved someone, the worse he felt about lying to them. (Example: Remus, Sirius, and James started off equally proficient at lying to McGonagall, but at this point James liked her too much and she knew Sirius too well, so the responsibility fell to Remus, who was normally better than this about pulling excuses out of his ass, not to mention he could tell when she did or didn’t believe him.)
Remus was relieved when Sirius pulled him down to sit on his bed, as nervous as that thought made him. He was usually the one to start contact with Sirius himself, and this imbalance would have made him very uncomfortable if not for the fact that he knew Sirius appreciated it and liked his touches. Right then, Sirius’ scent of clean laundry and care were almost as much of a comfort as the gesture itself. He loved the idea that Sirius cared more than he could say.
And then, during the middle of the conversation, when James had asked him about wanking, Remus though that he smelled an undercurrent of sharp, delicious apple among all of the other emotions coming from Sirius. When he replied, it was overpowering. It took all of Remus’ concentration to act like nothing was happening, like he didn’t want to explode, like he didn’t want to run his hands through Sirius’ hair which was curling around his shoulders and hanging down in front of his face. Like he didn’t want to grab him and touch his whole body, like had happened in the dream he really should not be thinking about in his friend’s fucking bed. And then it was a mix of emotions, like last time, but without as much anxiety… that was good, wasn’t it? That was the point of this whole thing, to make sure that his friends didn’t stress about hiding their emotions from him? This was good. He just had to not react, like he said he wouldn’t. Everything was fine. Keep the conversation going. Listen to James. Respond like normal.
And then, when Remus was about to go to bed, Sirius had given him a look that was so full of love that Remus didn’t think it could be anything else, not with the scent of vanilla and almond that made him think of Christmas, and the smell of crisp apples in an undercurrent that almost made his head spin. Not to mention his eyes were grey and so bright they almost looked silver, and his black hair with a curl in front of his face did something to his stomach that should be illegal. He had already raised his hand to tuck the strand behind his ear when he realized that was not a thing regular friends do, abort, abort, and placed the hand on Sirius’ knee instead, hoping to give him a steadying goodnight pat, and realized that Sirius was shaking. Or maybe it was his own hand that had been shaking, he didn’t really know.
This whole thing had been so exhausting, and now here Remus was, in his own bed, with the curtains drawn, trying to parse through what was going on. One thing he was more sure about now was that whatever it was that made Sirius smell so delicious, it had something to do with Remus. And perhaps it had something to do with Remus’ body; the first couple of times, he thought it was because he stretched, and this time, it had been strongest when talking about Remus masturbating. Perhaps he was repulsed? The type of scent and that emotion didn’t match, but Remus was trying not to think too much about the other possibility, the one that seemed more likely; that he was attracted to him.
Hell, Remus didn’t even know if Sirius was attracted to boys, let alone his own scrawny ass. He knew he didn’t look as good as Sirius did, with his solid build and sharp features. He couldn’t gain weight, as much food as he ate, and although he was strong for his size, he was definitely the smallest of the group. Not to mention, Sirius saw him turn into a monster once a month and he had seen the scars that ran all over his body. Remus tried not to think about himself too much, it wasn’t helpful. He would rather ignore his own body’s existence. Except for that Sirius seemed to react to it.
And what was that look for? Was Sirius trying to tell him that he loved him, as it had seemed? Remus wanted so much for that to be true. He wanted Sirius in every way; not just to snog and get off with (although that sounded so good), but to hold whenever Sirius felt bad and to be held in return. To laugh with and to kiss, just because he felt like it. To be taken care of, to encourage Sirius to let go and be himself, to listen for hours on whatever wild and innovative project Sirius was working on next. These thoughts weren’t new, he should have realized this crush so much longer ago. He felt like an idiot.
James and Peter were already asleep, Remus could tell from their muted smells if not from their even breathing. And Sirius… Sirius had been a whirlwind of emotion that evening as well, that Remus wryly thought matched what he felt himself pretty closely. How close he felt to him, even through two curtains and about four feet. And then Sirius’ scent changed, and the crisp apple scent was back.
Remus’ breath caught in his throat. Why was it back just then? What could Sirius possibly be thinking? Remus tried to listen, to see if he could pick up any other clues about how Sirius felt, but he couldn’t hear him. Wait. He couldn’t hear him at all, even though he was clearly still there, five feet away. A silencing charm. So Sirius didn’t want Remus to hear him, but was still letting him smell him? That was good, at least. That was what Remus had asked for, although he hadn’t quite expected the change to come so soon.
The smell was getting stronger and stronger, and Remus felt like he was being driven out of his mind. He quickly cast a non-verbal silencing charm on his own bed, rationalizing that he might be breathing more quickly and that he said he wouldn’t react to this, he said he would leave them alone. It had nothing to do with how that was making him feel, how much he would like to have his tongue all over Sirius, how much he’d like to kiss and lick all over him. The thought made Remus hard, and he wondered how wrong it would be for him to have one off.
The thought struck Remus, what if Sirius was wanking right now? That would make sense, that would explain the charm and the scent that was growing stronger, still, with vanilla and almond. That seemed clear enough. There was no real way to deny it, Remus thought, and he found his hands moving toward his waistband. Even he couldn’t think of a more logical explanation.
Then with what had been happening, was it possible that Sirius was thinking about some of the same things that Remus was? That Sirius would like it if he kissed him, licked his neck, found his hands in his hair? Remus knew that he didn’t always make noise himself, and yet Sirius had cast a silencing charm. His imagination was full of Sirius, his eyes, his neck, his stomach, how he might moan if Remus licked down his chest, what sort of delicious sounds he might make. He thought of how he might want to touch Remus back, and he couldn’t help himself. He was touching himself and imagining it was Sirius, imagining it was his fingers, his palm. His mind conjured up the image of Sirius in front of him, on his knees, breathing on his cock before taking it into his mouth, and Remus moaned from the thought. He breathed in deeply the scent of his friend, of the boy he loved, the smell sharpening to an almost painful degree before Remus spilled into his hand and shuddered helplessly against the bed.
When Remus could spare more than a passing thought to what was going around him again, he recognized the scent of cum that wasn’t his own. His body gave another halfhearted twitch, turned on beyond belief that he was right, that it wasn’t just in his own head. Sirius had come, moments before, not five feet from him. If he hadn’t just come himself, he would have needed to wank immediately.
It took a long time for Remus’ thoughts to settle enough to sleep. He finally decided that he couldn’t be sure Sirius was really attracted to him. It certainly seemed that way, but perhaps it was a coincidence. That didn’t mean Remus wasn’t going to do anything about it.
It seemed after that conversation, Sirius was more comfortable about exposing his emotions, so hopefully if he made him uncomfortable, he would be able to tell right away, but Remus was going to keep trying to smell that crisp apple scent again. Stupid, stupid, what an idiotic idea, to try to seduce his friend. (How would one do that, anyway?) But he couldn’t just do nothing, when there was the slightest chance that it could turn out alright. He knew Sirius loved him as a friend, at least, if his look that night had meant what he thought it did.
If this stupid plan turned out like he thought it would, if this was just a fluke, then he could push aside his feelings and stay friends. He loved Sirius so much, he could do that for him.
Hopefully.