Crisp Apples

Lily finished in the library quickly after their conversation was over, but Remus stayed to finish the potions essay. It should have been done a long time ago, but his residual nerves about his conversation and about the conversation he would have to have with James just wouldn’t leave his mind. Not to mention the somewhat overwhelming realization that he was in love with his best friend.

He figured he should have realized sooner. He had been trying not to think about a series of tantalizing dreams in the shape of one Sirius Black, which had started simply with them walking or talking together but upon waking, left him with restless, nervous energy. When he had gotten older, they became more odd – sure, he had seen Sirius shirtless in real life, and with those fantastic shoulders, so perhaps it wasn’t that unusual to see him that way in his dreams? They hugged in real life, so maybe that wasn’t so strange, if not for the fact that more often than not, he was left awake in the middle of the night with an erection. And then this past week, his dream-Sirius had had that smell, too, and Remus had given in and licked his neck, his chest, stuck his tongue in his mouth, and pulled at him with his hands, and desperately pressed them together, chest, legs, hips, and dream-Sirius had kissed him back, and he woke up with rather more than morning wood. Remus was glad he had gotten so practiced at non-verbal magic, so his roommates wouldn’t hear him clean his sheets.

It was only after Lily had been gone for around an hour when he realized he should have left sooner. What if Lily talked to James about his “legilimancy” before he got the chance to explain? James was a pretty terrible liar, or at least Remus thought he was, and Lily was much too perceptive for her own good. With a sigh, he packed up his (mostly) finished potions essay and headed back to the common room. If he wasn’t there, he was probably around the grounds with Sirius; he knew Sirius was anxious to go for a walk after classes earlier that day.

He would have wanted to go with them if he didn’t suspect Sirius just wanted an afternoon free from regulating his emotions. Remus hated that. He wanted Sirius to feel however he felt, without worrying about judgement. If Remus was honest with himself, he probably knew that it wasn’t just worrying about judgement; who wants their friends to know every time they’re upset? Or horny? But Remus didn’t care, he wouldn’t treat him any differently, no matter that a horny Sirius may make him spontaneously combust, who knew what that smelled like? He just wanted the whole of him, good or bad or anywhere in between. And the delicious. Stop. Don’t think about that. He loved when Sirius was wildly happy, or out of control with laughter. And if he was sad, he wanted to help. He wouldn’t throw up anymore, he’d been living with them all for years. He could deal with it.

I’ll talk to them all about it tonight. I’ll tell them I don’t want them to feel like they have to hide so much, Remus was thinking, when he turned around a corner ran smack into James. Without Sirius.

“Remus!” James looked like he had been startled out of thoughts too, as they continued to walk towards the Gryffindor common room together.

“James! I wanted to talk to you, I was just talking to Lily…”

“I was just talking to Lily too. What did you mean to accomplish, telling her you’re a natural Legilimens? I swear she knew you were lying… okay, maybe she knew I was lying…” James ran a hand through his messy black hair, dazed as always when thinking about Lily. Worry (laundry), and grapefruit.

“Fuck. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. James, I had to tell her that I could tell what people were feeling. It’s too much of an invasion of privacy for her not to know, you know? I mean, I was so scared when I told you all… one of the reasons was no one wants to go around with their inner feelings displayed, you know? And I’m not so sure she doesn’t know the truth anyway, I mean, she’s so smart, you know that…” Remus tried to delay the inevitable question of “why” with a complement to Lily. James could talk forever about her many lovely qualities, a fact that was rather lost on Lily when for several years all that came of his mouth around her was “pretty girl!” or some such nonsense.

“She’s brilliant, isn’t she? She’ll make such a great healer; did you see her work last week on that headache potion? Slughorn said he’d never seen anyone combine stress relief elements with such a physiological potion… but wait. This was about you. Is that really it, that you didn’t want to know what she was feeling without her knowing? I’m all for that, Remus, really, I appreciate you telling her, but is that all? And why wouldn’t you have told her last year?”

Remus sighed. He knew he wouldn’t get out of it so easily. By now, they were in front of the Fat Lady, but he didn’t want to go in. This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have in front of Siri- anyone. In front of anyone. “Where’s Sirius? And maybe we could go somewhere else to talk about this?”

James seemed to get the hint. “Sure, let me grab a letter from my parents and then we can visit the owlery? Sirius and I were just walking around the grounds, but he split off to… get some homework done. In the library.” James was a terrible liar, and this last bit was punctuated with the sharp smell of tobacco. Not to mention, Remus would have seen Sirius if he had been heading in that direction.

So Sirius was in the Room of Requirement, after James had been talking with Lily. Lily wouldn’t have talked to James about this in front of Sirius, right? Calm down, it’s probably nothing, Remus tried to convince himself. He also tried to convince himself his heart was going faster than normal because of the chance of Sirius hearing about his ridiculous thoughts, not the fact that he might be wanking not three floors away. Which was, in itself, a ridiculous thought. And not something friends got excit- nervous about. Yeah, nervous, right.

“So…” James said, as they walked in the general direction of the owlery. “Lily said you came to her for advice…”

Remus breathed in, then out slowly. He knew James meant well, and wanted to help him, he could smell it like fresh sheets, but he could also tell that James felt very uncomfortable with this conversation. Like his great Aunt’s house. Kind of musty. Remus did not want to have this conversation. That was why he had talked to Lily in the first place, right? Not just because she knew he was bi. Okay, maybe that was partially why, now that he admitted it. Admitted that he liked Sirius.

“I needed to ask her about Sirius. She said she could tell there’s been something weird going on this past week…” Remus paused to let James comment on that, but he just waited. Damn. “It’s because I think I made him smell like… something… but I don’t know what it was, and I… really liked it. And now I want to make him smell like it again but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable, he’s done so much to help me, you know…” Remus finished lamely. The more times he said this out loud, the more it sounded like he was being a right bastard. He had no right to mess with Sirius like that, and he should just leave him alone.

“… I don’t think you should worry about trying not to make him feel that, does that make sense? He’s an adult, he can deal with it…” James was perfectly composed, but Remus could smell a hint of mischief. Tobacco, just more floral, somehow. But what was he being mischievous about?

“That makes sense, I suppose. I just don’t want to bother him. I talked with Lily, but I also decided to talk to you three about not hiding from me anymore… I know you all use the Room of Requirement to… take care of things. Except for maybe Peter, I’m not sure. And I just wanted you all to know I don’t care, I’ll try to ignore everything.” Remus was blushing at these words. He knew they were perfectly reasonable, but how could his thoughts not drift when he was basically encouraging his friends to wank in their own beds? He could tell James was uncomfortable too. At least he was taking it in stride. He had really grown up from his twelve-year-old self.

“I think that’s a good idea. I’d bet if you let him know that whatever it is doesn’t bother you, he’ll be more comfortable.”

Remus did not want to talk to Sirius about it at all. Hey, so, you know how you reacted when I stretched? Please smell like that always. Or maybe not, I think I might just stick my tongue down your throat if you do. Remus was blushing now. Again.

James was, unfortunately, not oblivious. “It would be alright, if you liked him, you know.”

Remus was glad he wasn’t drinking anything at that point, because if he had, he would have done a classic spit take. If he didn’t have it come out his nose.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

James was uncomfortable, again. “Lily also told me that you’re bi. She didn’t mean to out you, I swear, she thought I already knew, but it’s okay, really, I promise, I mean I know several gay people, and they’re all lovely, not that everyone who is queer is all the same, or something- ” James was rambling, seeing Remus’ obvious shock and discomfort.

“Please don’t tell Sirius. Or Peter, I mean, or anyone.” Remus, for what felt like the hundredth time, wanted to just sink into the floor and die. Why was this happening to him? What ancient magical spirits had he annoyed such that he would have this much emotional turbulence within the same week? Or month? Hell, if each hit were years apart, he wouldn’t have minded.

“I promise I won’t tell them. Remus, I promise it’s fine.” James gripped Remus’ shoulders, breathing deeply so that Remus would copy him. Well, I might as well get it all out at once. Fuck it.

“You were right.”

James paused for a second. “About what?”

“I like Sirius. A lot. Promise you won’t tell him about that either. Fucking Merlin, how did you know? Am I that obvious?”

“No, I promise you weren’t, it was just a guess that I had since Lily mentioned it… Okay, I’ll be honest. It was Lily’s guess. It doesn’t change anything, right?”

“Of course not, James. I’ll just be his friend, like always. Nothing weird. I promise.”

James seemed oddly disappointed at this response.

“Right, just the same as always.”