Snuffles
It might have just been that his animagus form overlapped a little too much with his human one, but Sirius really loved walks. Maybe a little bit of it was that having something to do with his body allowed his thoughts to slow down and focus, or that James or Remus or Peter usually went with him and talking to his friends was always fun, or that he really liked to be outdoors… or that when they were far enough away from the castle, he could turn into a dog and run around and bark and not have to feel human emotions quite so intensely at all. When that was what he needed.
Whatever the reason, James knew he liked walks, and that if he was emotional, he wanted to be away from the dorm. And so every once in a while, out past the quidditch pitch, he brought up topics he suspected Sirius might not want to talk about. Peter had likened it to a dog who was told they were going to the park and instead went to some sort of muggle pet healer called a “vet”. Instant betrayal.
“Don’t look at me like that, Sirius! You can’t just keep things bottled up forever,” James wheedled. This time, they were alone.
“Yes, I can!” Sirius knew he sounded petulant, but he wouldn’t let that get in the way. He did not want to talk about the way he’d “been acting very weird around Moony, and it’s been a whole week, and you better start talking about it so that we can get through it and get back to supper, because I’ll be hungry by then, but I wouldn’t leave you out here alone with your feelings, so could we get started?” Stupid James, knowing him too well. And being too practical about this.
Sirius did have to admit that he had been off. He had been extra careful around Remus, making sure to never touch him or look at him, but also not be weird about refusing any attention. And still talking to him. And acting like normal. And trying not to be too obvious every time he slipped off to the Room of Requirement after Moony did something hot like wear one of the muggle rock band t-shirts Sirius had lent him, or stepped out of the bathroom with wet curly hair, or wrote notes in class with his beautiful hands, or… exist. Damn, why did this all have to matter so much? He fucking loved Remus, why did he have to be so funny? And smart? And beautiful? And just the best person he had ever met, truly. Why did he have to be so fucking horny all the time, why couldn’t he just be his friend and leave it at that?
Because more than how much he wanted to just bring Remus into his bed and snog him forever, he needed Remus as a friend. Remus was the one who was the best at taking care of him, who was always aware if there was something wrong, but never pushed too far. He was the one he could talk to about his problems, perhaps at a little emotional distance, but without the constant peppering of solutions that were overly optimistic, like from James, and without the “sorry, Pads, that sucks” and then an excess of distractions, like from Peter. Both of them were doing the best they could, and were usually not bad, but Remus was the best.
“I know you’re talented at shutting down, Pads, you’re the best at tricking Moody when we try to prank him. But really, what’s wrong?” James looked concerned.
Sirius took a deep breath. James knew practically everything else about him, why not this? And maybe talking about it would help him get over it. “I’m in love with Remus.” Deep breath out.
“Yes, and?”
Sirius looked sharply at James. “What the fuck do you mean, “yes, and?” I just bared my soul to you, you daft fuck, that’s the whole problem! He’s so fucking perfect and I can’t get over him, why aren’t you telling me not to ruin the friend group or some shite?”
“Wait, did you just figure that out? I’ve know that for ages, Sirius, do you think I’m blind?”
Sirius gaped at him, in surprise and then horror. “Am I that obvious?”
“Well, yeah… you’ve always looked at him differently, haven’t you? You’re always wanting to take care of him, even since second year, I thought you would beat me up when I was surprised about his furry little problem. You were so determined to make things better for him, I mean, we all were, but you took it the hardest, and then you came out to me as gay and it just clicked, I mean, you’re always the first one to run off to the infirmary and see him, I don’t know… and you always run off to the Room of Requirement after staring at him too long… ”
Sirius wanted to sink down into the ground and die. He took several breaths. “Do you think he knows, then?”
“… you know, I don’t think so. He’s kind of intentionally oblivious about complex emotions sometimes, do you remember when he turned down Mary accidentally?”
Sirius gave a small laugh but was pinged with a little jealousy. It would be nice to be able to ask Remus out like a normal person. Like he wouldn’t be risking such an important friendship for it. “I do remember that, do you think he knows even now?”
“Probably not…” James chuckled for a second, and then turned serious again. “So, was that it? You finally figured it out, last week?”
Of course, he couldn’t be distracted so easily. “No, I guess there was something else… James, I’m so scared of scaring him off. I don’t let myself think about him when I’m around him, I don’t even look at him anymore unless he’s sleeping and he left his curtains open… Merlin, that sounds creepy.” Sirius was waffling, trying to stall telling the events of last week. “The other day, I… couldn’t help myself. I thought for sure that he knew then, over lunch when he ran off, do you remember? I thought for sure I had shown myself, that he would be uncomfortable that I was so horny over him, but then he didn’t act any differently, or maybe he… unsettled me… intentionally? during Transfiguration? And I couldn’t figure it out, and it’s just been driving me wild. Does he know, or not? How could he not? But I don’t want to scare him away… what do I do?” Sirius ended, somewhat helplessly. He just wanted to make sure Remus was okay, whatever he was feeling himself. Fuck.
“Hmmm… let me think about that,” James said, steering them along the path on the very outer edges of the lawn, nearer the forest and on the opposite side of the stands from the castle. Still an area that students were allowed in, but a much less traveled path than the main lawn. Not that being allowed had kept them from the forest before. “I don’t think that Remus knows… but things have been so odd between you two that I’m not sure which is you ignoring him and which is him trying to give you space. He must have known you were upset?”
Sirius considered. “I did feel upset after… I mean, I just don’t want him to feel uncomfortable around me, so when I couldn’t stop myself from staring at him, I was mad and I was scared of his reactions.”
“So is it possible he was just upset that you were upset? He does care rather a lot about you…” James suggested, hopefully.
“Yeah, maybe,” Sirius said, looking for a quick way out of this conversation. He did appreciate James’ help, but talking about how he felt about Moony made him jittery, hyped up, heartbeat too fast. He looked around, but no one else was visible on this side of the pitch. “Care for a run?”
“Nah, I’m good for right now, you go on ahead. We could play fetch?” James teased, still amused by Sirius’ affinity for the game. Sirius would have denied it fervently, but although Remus couldn’t smell their emotions precisely when they were in animal form, joy was pretty unmistakable, and he had outed Sirius as a fetch-loving dog a long time ago. Jokes on them, after they had stopped making fun of him for it so long, they liked it too.
“Deal,” said Sirius, and let his front paws hit the ground running. He sank into the transformation, letting his confused emotions slip into the more simple ones of a dog, and he just wanted to run and to smell everything and to chase after things and to have Moony next to him, because he loved him. That would be enough.
They had only been playing for a few minutes when Sirius noticed a figure sitting off the path, writing in a book. Lily. He would have transformed back immediately, but she was already looking at him, confused as to how there was a dog running around the grounds. At least it had been a muggle-born; he had scared the pants off a Slytherin first year who had apparently thought him to be the Grim. It had been hilarious.
Lily, however, was more of a problem, as she seemed even more happy to see James there, and was apparently intending to talk to him. James was surprised to see her, but apparently didn’t see the issue that was his friend, as an illegal animagi, stuck, while he talked to his lady friend. This would be interesting.
“James! I was just meaning to talk to you, actually!”
James looked delighted. “I always mean to talk to you. May I say, the color of your hair puts even these beautiful fall trees to shame?”
“You may not.” Lily gave a typical response to him flirting with her, but her heart wasn’t in it like it used to be. “Is that your dog?”
Sirius had been tagging along James’ side, and realized immediately that he should have just ran away at first sight of her. James could have said that he was just a random dog, perhaps from Hogsmeade, but now here he was, lying down between the two of them, as James had sat to face Lily.
“Uh, yes. I mean, no. This dog is a friendly dog. I mean, yes, I know this dog, but I’m not this dog’s owner… he lives in Hogsmeade…” James fumbled, trying to come up with a half believable story.
“Oh, you’ll have to introduce me to the owners next time we’re there! Can I pet him?” Lily scooted closer, and at James’ shrug, put her hand out tentatively. Sirius sighed internally, but pets wouldn’t be bad… better if they were from Moony, who sometimes forgot what he was doing when he was reading and gave him the best pets and let his hand rest on his side and practically cuddled him. But pets from Lily wouldn’t be bad. “What’s his name?”
“Um. Snuffles.” James invented, and Sirius let out a loud snuffle, out of derision, but it helped serve the story. Oh well. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I just wanted to talk to you when you weren’t with you roommates,” started Lily.
“On second thought, maybe I should send Snuffles back home,” James interrupted. Sirius agreed, if this was going to get sappy, he would run straight into the forest this second.
“Nooo, he’s so cute!” Lily cooed, and Sirius could see James’ internal struggle. He would never be able to resist making Lily the slightest bit happy. “Anyway, it’s about Sirius and Remus,” she continued, petting Sirius, causing James to stare at her and Sirius to whip his head around. “Nooo, sweetie, not Snuffles, Sirius.” James let out a somewhat shrill laugh.
“What about them?” James asked.
“Well, first about Remus… he told me his secret, that he’s a natural Legilimens,” said Lily, furthering their shock.
“He did? He…” James seemed almost stunned.
“Well, yes, he told me that was how he can sense emotions so clearly,” Lily said, still petting Snuffles, waiting as if for confirmation. It sounded like she didn’t quite believe what she was saying.
“That’s… right. That’s right, he’s been that way since a child,” said James, quick to confirm.
“Hmm. I thought he said natural Legilimens usually occurred since birth. It’s funny, I also thought that they could perceive memory, and it sounded like it was strictly emotions that he smelled. Or felt.”
“Yes, well, he doesn’t like to talk about it, but he’s quite an unusual case, you know? He’s always been…” James was acting natural, but not quite smooth enough, not as smooth as he always was around Lily. Sirius could tell he was quite off guard.
“He’s always been quite good at picking up on emotions, if that was what you were going to say. But anyway, what I wanted to talk about was whatever’s gotten on his nerves the past week, and I think it’s about Sirius. Would you happen to know anything about that?” Lily asked sweetly, moving past James’ clumsy response.
“I… no, nope. I have no clue what you’re talking about.” Sirius was dying on the ground under Lily’s hand, half feeling he should just run away and let them have this damned conversation in peace, half dying of curiosity about whatever Remus had said to Lily that had required him to tell her about his ability to know people’s emotions. Even if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear, he had to know.
Lily sighed. “Okay, I know you’re probably sworn to secrecy from Sirius or whatever, but I really just have to know if he likes Remus the way Remus likes him. And before you ask, no, Remus hasn’t told me that he likes him exactly, but it’s so clearly obvious; he has all of the same tells he’s always had with boys he’s liked.”
Sirius thought his ears had deceived him for a second.
“Wait, Remus likes boys?”
Okay, maybe not, if James had heard the same thing. Not to mention the first part of that sentence, which Sirius couldn’t wrap his head around at the moment.
“Oh shit, did you not know that? He told me he was bi last year, I figured he had told you all that already, since you’re so close…” Lily looked uncomfortable for the first time in the conversation, upset that she had overshared about a friend.
“Yes, no, no, I mean we didn’t know that, or at least I didn’t, but we won’t judge him, I promise.” Sirius heard the slip, but couldn’t stop it.
“We? You’re not going to go tell Sirius and Peter immediately, are you? I’d feel so bad if something happened because of me…”
“OH! No! I won’t tell them, and I don’t think they’d mind…” Sirius whined. He was so wound up at this point that he felt he could just run in circles forever, but he needed to hear about what she had said at the beginning. He couldn’t let himself think, couldn’t let himself hope.
“So… Sirius. Does he like Remus? I don’t know him as well, so I can’t tell for sure, but I swear I thought I saw…” Lily trailed off, her earlier enthusiasm tamped down by her worry.
“Ye- wait, Remus likes Sirius!?” James jumped up, apparently not able to control himself anymore. Sirius barked at him to shut up, wanting to hear more from Lily.
“That’s what I’ve been telling you, Potter!” Lily was back to smiling, looking hopeful. “Ye-es? Yes? Sirius likes Remus, right? Tell me it’s true!”
Sirius barked at James again, thumping his tail. He hoped that was enough of a go-ahead, what point was there in hiding from Lily if she already knew, and she wanted them to be together? His dog emotions were surprisingly stable, just happy, wagging tail, excitement.
“Yes! Yes, he likes him.”
“Good, I’m so glad; he came to me asking advice about a new emotion of Sirius’ and I could swear it was lust, but Remus didn’t know, just that he wanted to, and I quote, “taste him”, and I needed confirmation before I advised him to go jump Sirius’ bones,” Lily was giggling now, and James joined in with a surprised laugh. “Alright, so let’s meet up and talk about how we’re going to get them together. They’d probably figure it out on their own, but we can speed them up, hmm?” Sirius had never heard her sound so devious. “And that way I can have my regular study partner back, without him sighing every five minutes.”
“Sure! Sure, anytime you want to talk, dear…” James sounded kind of stunned, watching Lily pack up her things. “See you around!”
“See you, Potter!” Lily laughed, giving one more pat on Sirius’ head, and walked off.
James and Sirius watched her until she walked around the edge of the quidditch pitch toward the castle, stunned in the grass. As soon as she was out of sight, Sirius was back as himself and he tackled James into the grass.
“He likes me! He didn’t tell her, but he likes me, he likes me, he…” what the FUCK. Sirius stopped, dazed, the full burden of his human emotions on him once again. “James, this is awful,” he said, letting his brother go and flopping back onto the grass. “He didn’t actually say he liked me, just that he liked how I smell when I’m horny,” Sirius heard James choke, but he barreled on. “And I can’t just do something about it now, when he’s probably just horny too, I mean, endorphins, or pheromones, or whatever the fuck they’re called. What if we fuck and then we don’t get together and we can’t be friends again? I can’t do anything about this,” Sirius was lying face down on the ground now, full on pout mode.
“Sirius, really? Do you think he would just dump you as a friend if this doesn’t work out?” James tried to be consoling, but his previous excitement hadn’t quite left his voice.
“… no… but James... Prooonnngss…”
“You heard Lily, she’s on a mission. What do you want me to do? See if I can get Remus to detail to me just how much he likes you? Too bad you can’t be a fly on the wall for that conversation too, huh?”
Sirius lifted his head up to glare. “You know I didn’t mean to overhear that conversation on purpose. I wish I hadn’t,” he moaned, putting his head face down.
“Well, at the very least, you know Remus isn’t bothered by how you smell.”
Yeah, he liked it so much he wanted to taste him. Merlin, what wonderful imagery that put in his mind. He would need to go to the room of requirement every fucking day after this.
Fuck.