kamishiro rui is my name

Dad takes me home after I've calmed down enough—thanks to Tenma-san—and leaves me alone in my room for the rest of the night. Makes sense. If my son were to have a panic attack over seeing his ex in a grocery store, I'd leave him alone for a while too. Nobody else bothers me for the rest of the night.

All of today is the same in the fact that nobody talked to me other than Nene, but she only stopped by to make sure I wasn't dead on the floor or something. Not like I'm planning on doing that anyway. I don't have the guts to do that. I do, however, spend the whole day lying down on my bed—I'm sick of calling it a couch-bed—with Kiseki hugged to my chest. I've tried to sleep, but it just won't come over me. I don't want to get up, though. I don't have the energy. Kiseki tries to tell me that if I get up and move around, then I'll eventually be awake enough to do stuff. I tell him I have physical energy, just not mental energy. Motivation, I told him, I lack that. He listened and stared at me with his beady, black eyes.

———

Right before I'm about to fully fall asleep, Mom comes into my room and asks if I want anything to eat. I tell her Kiseki would like a microwaved mac-n-cheese. She nods and says Kiseki will get mac-n-cheese as well as another bowl of soup and mug of tea. I say Kiseki's not that hungry. She tells me Kiseki is still growing and needs his nutrients. I don't protest. Instead, I force myself to sit up and wrap my blanket tightly around me and Kiseki. Mama returns with my mac-n-cheese for Kiseki and tells him that the soup and tea will come shortly. In the meantime, Kiseki eats the microwaved meal and leaves the empty cup on my nightstand. The soup and tea follow and the empty mac-n-cheese cup leaves. Mama wishes me and Kiseki a goodnight with a kiss to both our heads, then leaves. Kiseki only manages to eat half of the soup before he decides he's too full to eat anymore. I lie down and whisper to Kiseki how boring my day was and how I have a fondness for Tenma-san. Kiseki tells me I may be in love. I immediately reject that suggestion because there's no way I could like a boy. I, Kamishiro Rui, a boy myself, do not like boys. That's silly and something as ridiculous as that would never happen…

…

So tell me why I'm lying awake and thinking about him? Maybe it's because I'm so lonely I need another friend. A good friend this time. His eyes looked so pretty… no. I'm getting ahead of myself. But why am I stuck thinking about him? He only…treated me…like a decent…human…being… And that's why I can't fall in love with him. That and he's a boy and I'm a boy.

But…his eyes…no! I'm not meant to think of him like that! But…no! Augh! This is so annoying. I roll over and squish my head between my pillow and the couch cushions as if that'll drown out my thoughts. It doesn't work. I throw the pillow behind me—since I'm facing the wall—and listen as it thuds against the wall. Kiseki congratulates me on my throw. I roll over to see the pillow sitting limply against my bookcase. Miraculously, none of the books fell.

I get up and grab the half-eaten bowl of soup that I never finished and take it to the kitchen to microwave—as well as the tea, though I move that to a microwaveable cup. I take both back to my room and finish the soup, though it still tastes bland. I blame the fact that it was sitting out for a few hours. But I swallow it down anyway as well as the mug of tea. I get back into bed and hug Kiseki tightly.

Thankfully, I fall asleep shortly after.

———

The next day at school I bring Kiseki with me. Mainly because I think Tenma-san would appreciate Kiseki, but also because Kiseki from now on will be my emotional support. I walk into class with Kiseki out in the open, hugged tight. I get a few weird glances from the kids who hate anything out of the ordinary, but nothing else. I walk to my desk. The desk next to Tenma-san's. He's already sitting at his desk. As soon as he sees Kiseki, his eyes—God, his eyes—light up and he immediately starts gushing over how cute Kiseki is.

I think Tenma-san likes Kiseki, because he keeps reaching over and petting the top of Kiseki's head. I don't mind. I think I have a new friend.

I test this theory at lunch by searching every inch of the school for that tuft of bright blond hair. I catch sight of him quite easily. Turns out he's been eating in the courtyard every day. He also quickly catches sight of me and waves me over. I have never felt so happy from such a simple gesture.

I walk over and sit beside him. He asks me where my lunch is. I shrug in return. "I don't usually eat at school," I tell him. "I'm never really hungry." "Well, you should still eat," he tells me. "Here, you can have my food." He shoves his lunch into my hands without even letting me protest. I look at his meal. Salad, a small Pork Shogayaki sandwich, a mixture of different fruits, and yokan. I'm definitely not eating the salad, and while I still eat fruit, I'm just…well, I still want to leave something for him. I take the sandwich—he asks me if we can split it, since apparently he likes ginger fried pork—and the yokan, which I also decide to split with him.

We both eat and hardly even talk to each other, but that's mainly because I'm not too fond of talking at all. He'll ask me a question and I respond with a simple gesture or a one-worded reply. I never start the conversation. After we're both done with our food, Tenma-san asks if he can see Kiseki. I take him out of my bag and hand him to Tenma-san. Immediately, Tenma-san begins worshiping and complimenting Kiseki. I can't help but wish I were in Kiseki's place. No, that'd be weird.

Tenma-san is in the middle of telling Kiseki how adorable and soft he is when the bell rings, drowning out the rest of his compliment to Kiseki. He hants Kiseki back to me and waves goodbye before leaving. I close my bag and sit on the bench for a little longer, then stand up and walk to my next class.

I don't see Tsukasa-san for the rest of the day.

———

As soon as I get home, I fall onto my bed in a happy, giggling fit. I've never felt so happy about talking to someone in my entire life. Not even when I first started dating them. Sure, I felt happier, but not like this. Which reminds me, I still need to go out and buy a new light bulb. I'll do that now.

I leave my room and ask my mama for 800¥, just enough to buy a light bulb. She asks me why I need the money, and I tell her it's because the light bulb in my night light went out and Kiseki is still scared of the dark. She gives me the money and tells me to be careful. I tell her I will, and then I set on my way. Outside, it smells like petrichor.

While at the store, I buy the light bulb as well as a snack of kushi-dango just as something to eat while I walk home. I pay for the stuff and walk home, snacking on the dango the whole way. I don't like how there's not many trash bins just out for the public. It makes eating while walking somewhere very annoying.

But I hold onto the skewer until I get home anyway. I throw the skewer away in the kitchen trash can, then retreat to my room. I kneel in front of the night light and switch out the light bulb. I have no idea what to do with the other bulb, since I don't exactly have a trash bin specifically for glass, and I was never properly taught how to dispose of something like a light bulb, so I just put it in one of my desk drawers. Kiseki tells me that's a safety hazard. I ignore him and tell him I'll be okay. Kiseki tells me I might hurt myself. I tell him I would never hurt myself, intentionally or accidentally. He stares at me with his beady, black eyes.

By now, it's getting dark out. Also, it's getting closer to winter. It's getting cold out, which means I'll have to start wearing a lot of layers. Fine by me. I prefer winter anyway. I get an excuse to stay inside and not socialize with anyone. But that won't even be for another month.

Without even thinking about it, I scoop Kiseki up and leave my room via the outside door.

———

I walk through the wet grass and onto the walkway that leads to the front door. I reach my hand up to knock, hesitate, then just walk inside. The Kusanagis don't really care if I just walk in. After all, Nene and I have hung out at each other's houses so often that we both could easily just walk in. Nene is still respectful of my privacy, and vice versa. Now that I think about it, having a close childhood friend that I can just walk into her house with no warning at any time sort of reminds me of some game I remember Nene telling me about. I don't remember what it was called, but it was one of those games where it looks cute but is actually really traumatizing.

Nene's mom greets me from the kitchen and asks what I'm doing over so late. I can smell the dinner she's cooking. I tell her that I've just been feeling lonely and wanted to talk to Nene for a bit. She tells me Nene's upstairs in her room. I remove my shoes and leave them by the front door, then walk upstairs, trying to keep quiet and not make the stairs creak. I walk to Nene's room and knock on the door. Three times as always.

The door opens almost a full minute later, Nene standing in the doorway in her pajamas. She looks like she just woke up from the nap. "Sorry," I tell her. "Your reason for waking me up better be good," she says in an irritated-but-also-not-actually-irritated tone. "Is the reason being that I felt lonely good enough?" Her eyes fall to Kiseki in my hands. "Kiseki doesn't count," I add. "Fine. But you're spending your time here working on my science assignment," she tells me as she steps back to let me in.

As I walk in and sit on the floor in the same spot I always do when I visit, Nene fixes up her hair a bit and powers her laptop on. She hands the computer to me after signing in and bringing up the assignment. She and I talk as I work on her assignment until Nene's mom calls us both down for dinner. I tell the two that I'm not hungry and should get going. Nene's mom tells me to bring some home just in case.

So I walk back to my house with Kiseki tucked under my arm and a plate of food wrapped in saran wrap held in my hands. I kick my shoes off when I enter my room and bring the plate to the kitchen. Mom and Dad both left out my own dinner for me, which I take to my room. I'll just eat the second dinner when I get hungry. I just don't have the heart to turn down my parent's cooking. I eat half of it, then take the rest and put that in the fridge to reside by the other dinner.

Back to my room I retreat. I have school tomorrow. I don't want to go. How many days have I even missed at this point? Too many for my liking…

———

I sleep in until just a few minutes before I’m supposed to leave for school, so I have no time to do anything. I take those few minutes to quickly change into my uniform and scoop up my bag and leave the house. I don’t eat breakfast or anything. And I feel super tired despite having slept in. On my way to school however, I catch glimpse of a small black shadow. I slow to a halt to examine the shadow. The…furry black shadow. With bright green eyes.

I walk over to the mysterious shadow and it meows at me. The shadow, now a cat, blinks at me with wide eyes. I crouch down in front of her and hold my hand out for her to sniff it. She hesitates before leaning forward and sniffing at my outstretched hand. After a bit, she rubs up against my hand and starts purring. I take this as permission to scratch behind her ears and under her chin.

She purrs and that makes me feel happy. I ask her what her name is and she blinks at me. I feel around her neck for a collar but my fingers don't catch any leather or plastic or whatever else a collar may be made of. I guess she's nameless. I guess I'll call her 'Shadow' since, well, she looks like one. I reach into my bag for something to give to her as food, but I find myself free of food. Damn. I'll have to see if I can bring some for her tomorrow…

I still have to go to school. This makes me snap out of it and I stand up abruptly, scaring Shadow. I apologize to her and run off. Great, now you've done it, Rui. Late to school because of a cat. A stray at that one, too.

I make it to school out of breath and my legs shaking from the exertion. I really need to work out. I raise my hand to knock on the door, but pause. If that door opens…it would draw attention to me…and I would get reprimanded for being late. No. I don’t want that.

So instead I step back from the door and run off to leave. Maybe missing just one full day won’t be so bad… I somehow manage to leave the school without alerting the staff, and instead walk around away from school in case someone decides to look out the window and see Kamishiro Rui walking around aimlessly.

I kick a rock around as I walk. Are my parents home? Maybe, maybe not. I'll check later. For now, I wanna get food for Shadow. I check my bag and my pockets but run up dry on money. Wonderful. I doubt I'll be able to find enough money on the ground to buy anything for Shadow… And I don't wanna steal from anyone. Not unless I absolutely have to. I walk back to my house and look around the outside. I don't think my parents are home…

Just to check, I walk up to the front door and knock, then run off to hide around the corner of the house where I can see if the door opens, but won't get caught. Sorry Mama if you're home… But the door does not open. I wait for a while longer, but the door doesn't open. So I hesitantly walk back up to the front door and slip inside. The lights are off. It feels so weird being home alone.

I need to be quick with this in case one of my parents is for some reason at home, or if one of them comes home while I'm here. I sneak to the kitchen and stuff my bag with different foods that I hope are all cat-friendly. Not milk. I've heard cats can't drink that. But I hope Shadow is happy with…wheat cereal and carrots—leave me alone, I don't like carrots. I need to get rid of them somehow.

Sure, it's not the best source of protein for Shadow, but I don't have enough time to cook a plate of meat for her. I'll have to do that tomorrow. I close my bag and hurry out of the house. I walk back to where I'd encountered Shadow, and thankfully, she's still there. She immediately comes running up to me and starts purring rather loudly. I pet her and scratch behind her ears and under her chin. I  ask her if she'd like a snack, then remember cats can't understand basic human language. Without lots of training first, at least.

I open my bag and pull a carrot out and hold it out for her to examine. She immediately gets to work on sniffing at the carrot. But she doesn't eat it. I can't even blame her. If I were a cat, I'd stay far away from carrots and other vegetables too. But because I really don't want to have a carrot sitting in my bag all day, I bring the vegetable up to my mouth and hesitate…I finally force myself to take a bite out of the carrot just to show Shadow that they're edible—well, for Shadow, not me. The texture feels horrible on my tongue, just as bad as the taste, if not more. I resist the very strong urge to spit it out.

Once more, I hold the now-bitten carrot out to Shadow and wait. She finally steps forward and starts gnawing on the carrot. If she doesn't like the carrot, she's very good at covering it up. I set the carrot on the ground and she continues to chew away at it. I reach into my bag and pull out the small sandwich bag full of cereal. I don't have a bowl with me, and I don't want to leave the cereal on the ground like the carrot, so I sit my textbook down on the ground and empty out the cereal on that.

Shadow examines the cereal like she did with the carrot once she's done and starts to hesitantly nibble on the food. I would leave her be, but I can't bother leaving my textbook here. What if someone else takes it? As I'm thinking this, I hear a conversation between a boy and another boy—they must be around the same age as me—somewhere behind me. They haven't spotted me, I don't think. I don't even bother swiping up my bag or my book or the cereal before dashing off to hide somewhere.

"Wait, Akito," says one of the two boys. His voice sounds familiar. Where have I heard that voice before? I try to get a glimpse of the two from my hiding spot—a sad bush—and see a familiar mess of orange hair and a not-so-familiar neat head of blue hair. The one with the blue hair is talking. Didn't he try talking to Shinonome-san around the time that the Shinonome siblings were still considered the New Kids? When is a New Kid considered a Not-New Kid? Do you go through some ritual with other students and get dubbed Regular? Maybe I should ask Shinonome-kun about being a New Kid. Back to the two boys.

"What is it?" replies Shinonome-kun. He follows Blue Hair's line of sight and I follow too. Oh. I forgot about my bag. Blue Hair walks over and examines my bag from a safe distance, as if my bag is potentially dangerous. Shinonome-kun is a lot more reckless with it, as he just walks over and picks my bag up. "Akito, don't do that. You don't know what's been done to that bag." Shinonome-kun gives an amused snort in response as he reads the small name tag that my mama put on the strap of my bag.

Does he know who I am? Maybe the student body gods will be merciful and Shinonome-kun won't have a clue in the world who I am. "Ka…mi…shi-ro…Ru…i…" he reads. Well, more like struggles to read. He squints his eyes at the name tag and stumbles over my name multiple times. I start to wonder how he made it this far in school without being held back. "Kamishiro Rui?" Blue Hair says. "Isn't that the gay kid?" Shinonome-kun asks.

Looks like the student body gods are not on my side. Blue Hair remains quiet. I can't tell if Blue Hair knows who I am. Shinonome-kun begins to look through my bag unprompted, probably expecting to find something worthy of blackmail. Maybe a super embarrassing love letter I never gave to my Ooh La La amore or whatever it's called. "Akito," Blue Hair says, reaching over to grab my bag. "What if he has something interesting in here, Toya?" Shinonome-kun replies. Blue Hair—AKA Toya—holds my bag out of the grabby hands of Shinonome-kun.

"Interesting or not," Toya-san scolds, "you shouldn't go through people's things." He slings the bag strap over his shoulder. "We'll go turn it in. I'm sure Kamishiro is wondering where his bag is." Shinonome-kun gives a very long groan in response, "Fine. You owe me a large plate of pancakes.'