Scar Tissue
The city of Gravesfield; truly, it was bigger than Luz had really thought about. The lights twinkled like fallen stars out towards the horizon. Luz stood atop her apartment building, staring across the cityscape, taking in the cool night air.
She had come home from her date with Amity riding a high. Her girlfriend was so amazing, and every minute with her felt like heaven. Then again, when in the company of a goddess, one should expect a heavenly time.
Come on, she had even cooked one of Mami’s recipes! Who does that? It was insanely sweet, and Luz had never thought she’d find someone who would go to such lengths for her. She didn’t deserve someone who would go to such lengths.
And that’s exactly what the voices said, reminding Luz how pathetic and worthless she was once she got back home. Luz had tried. Damn it, she had tried so hard to just lay in bed and sleep. But the voices would not just shut up for three seconds, and they were so fucking loud.
She had went to the bathroom, dragging her razor across her wrist just once at first. Then again. Then again. To keep from making a noticeable mess, Luz switched to her thighs. She sliced over and over and over again, watching blood run down her legs, pooling on the floor. But the voices couldn’t be satiated. It wasn’t enough.
So, here Luz was, standing on the precipice, taking in the view of the city. The voices had become quieter when she climbed up here, almost seeming unsure themselves. What did Luz come up here to do? Gods, everything was so complicated.
Luz didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to live, either, but Luz knew she didn’t want to die. She wanted to spend time with her family. She wanted to hug Vee and Masha so hard, and tell them how much she loved them. Her sister and soon to be in-law (hopefully) were so amazing, and had always been there for Luz.
Luz didn’t deserve them, however. If they knew who Luz really was, they’d tell her to jump. It’d be easier on everyone. Luz was glad her parents couldn’t watch her go through life; they’d hate her by now. She was so worthless. Pathetic. A Luzer.
Luz’s friends deserved better, too. Willow had been there for Luz no matter what, and Luz had watched Willow become so strong and confident. Meanwhile, Luz was little more than a parasite, sapping away at her strength.
Hunter had been the older brother she never knew she needed, making her feel safe and loved. And of course there was Gus. He was like a cheerleader, always so supportive of everything Luz ever did. Luz had some great friends, and they all deserved better.
The one that broke Luz, that made the sobs start becoming too much to hold in, was Amity. Her girlfriend. Luz didn’t deserve to call her that. That implied Luz could be a partner, an equal, someone who could support and give what they received. Luz was so fucking worthless. She had nothing to offer Amity, and Luz couldn’t think of a single reason the girl should give her the time of day.
Luz carefully sat on the edge of the building, pulling out her phone. She scrolled through their Discord conversations, seeing everything they had exchanged over the years. There were pictures from both of their lives, along with some scattered game clips from games they had played together. Luz gave a sad smile, watching a clip from an Overwatch game they had played together.
“I’ll protect you, m’lady!” Luz yelled, playing as Reinhardt. She charged into the fray, battling the enemy team to rescue her Mercy, played by none other than Amity. Amity couldn’t stop giggling as Luz kept up the antics, until they had won the point and the game.
The clip ended, leaving Luz staring at their old texts again. She always loved every second spent talking to Amity. She had really let the purple haired girl down tonight, cutting again and coming up here to… do whatever it was she came up here for.
Luz didn’t want to think about that. No, instead she just stared at Amity’s profile picture on Discord, which was Amity drawn as Hecate from the Good Witch Azura. It was a really good drawing, and the stance Amity drew herself in made it look as if the green dot on the corner of her profile picture were some spell she was casting.
Wait. Amity was on Discord? Before Luz could process anything further, her phone began to ring. Mi Amor the screen said. Luz took a second to try and compose herself before hitting the green button. “Hello?” Luz timidly answered.
“Hola, Batata,” Amity’s voice replied cheerfully. “Why are you up so late? You should be resting.”
“Did… did you just call me a Sweet Potato?” Luz asked.
Amity giggled, making Luz’s heart skip a beat. “I guess I did, it just seemed really cute, like you.”
“Awww Amity,” Luz said, blushing deeply, “you’re the Sweet Potato.”
“I answered your question,” Amity said. “It’s only fair you answer mine. What’s keeping you up?”
Luz could detect worry in Amity’s voice, and she tried to keep her voice even as she replied. “Oh, I just couldn’t sleep.” Technically, not a lie.
“What’s on your mind, Sweetie?’ Amity asked.
Luz loved all of the pet names, but she certainly didn’t deserve them. Gods, she didn’t deserve anything about Amity. The purple haired girl should be disgusted with Luz. She would be, if she were here. If Amity saw her right now, bleeding everywhere on a rooftop…
“I-I’m sorry,” Luz said. She couldn’t hold herself together anymore as she sniffled. Her shoulders started to shake, and her vision blurred with the tears forming. “I’m sorry,” she kept repeating as she sobbed into the phone.
Luz heard some shuffling on the other end of the phone before Amity responded. “Shhh, Sweetie, it’s okay. I’m right here, Luz. Just talk to me.”
Luz continued to sob softly as Amity comforted her through the phone. Gods, Luz just could not stop crying. It was pathetic. But soothing words whispered though the phone to the distressed girl, Amity constantly reassuring Luz it was okay to cry.
Eventually, the sobbing began to dissipate, and Luz began to regain some control of herself.
“Luz? Batata? Can you try to breathe with me?” Amity asked.
Luz nodded, but realized Amity couldn’t see her. She cleared her throat. “Y-yeah” Luz replied.
“Okay, I want you to take a big breath while you count to four. Then count to four while you hold it, and count to four again while you exhale it. Do you think you can do that for me Sweetie?” Amity asked.
“Yeah, I’ll try,” Luz replied. Luz tried to inhale as deep as her aching chest would allow her, counting to four, then she held it for a count. Finally, she released the breath.
In
Hold
Out
Luz repeated the process for a few minutes until she seemed to actually be able to breathe again, her chest loosening up.
“Good girl,” Amity said, “are you feeling any better?”
“Y-yeah,” Luz said. “I’m sorry for bothering you.”
“First, I called you,” Amity said. ‘Second, you did nothing wrong. I want you to reach out to me always, especially when you feel like this. I hate seeing you hurting. I wish I could have gotten to you sooner.”
“Y-you deserve a better girlfriend,” Luz blurted out. She nearly slapped her hands over her mouth, but she did mean it.
“Hey,” Amity reprimanded over the line. “Never say that again. You’re so amazing, Luz, you just don’t see it. I hope one day you can. You just need some help to be able to fight those thoughts.”
Luz stayed silent, staring out across the cityscape. She needed to move, to get away from the edge, to go clean her cuts up. But she just couldn’t.
“Luz? Are you there, Sweetie?” Amity said through the phone, panic creeping into her voice.
“Y-yeah,” Luz replied, “I’m here hermosa.”
Amity hummed in response. “What does hermosa mean?” She asked.
“Oh,” Luz said, blushing, “It means beautiful.”
“Oh, uh, thanks,” Amity said.
Luz blushed harder. Of course that would be weird, she was such an idiot. Fuck, why did she do that.
“Luz?” Amity asked.
“Sorry, still here,” Luz answered. “Sorry, I know the name’s dumb…”
“What?” Amity asked. “I think it’s so sweet! I love it! I just don’t take compliments well.” She chuckled, and Luz could hear the blush through the phone.
“What?” Luz exclaimed. “But you’re so amazing! You must get compliments, like, all the time!”
Amity chuckled. “I get them sometimes, but not as often as you apparently think. I just have a hard time with them. But I treasure every single one of them you give me. My therapist told me to hold onto them, until I can pass them onto someone else. That made it easier to think of it that way.”
Luz hummed in response. “That makes sense,” she said.
Through the phone, Luz could hear what sounded like a door shutting.
“I’m sorry, I thought you were home,” Luz said.
“I was when I called. But I was so worried about you. Can you let me in?” Amity asked.
Luz’s face paled. She looked at her phone. “We’ve only been on the phone for barely an hour! Are you here?”
“I was scared, something seemed… I don’t know. I just had to get to you. I was safe! Mostly…” Amity said. “Now, are you gonna let me in? I’m at the door.”
Luz didn’t respond for a second. “Um,” she stalled.
“Luz?” Amity asked.
“I, uh, I’m not in my room,” Luz said.
“Where are you?” Amity asked, the fear creeping back into her voice.
“The roof,” Luz said, wincing.
She heard a gasp and the sounds of running. She was startled as the door to the roof blew open, revealing Amity. Amity, who let out a choked sob upon seeing Luz. She ran over, pulling Luz away from the edge and holding her tightly.
“Oh, Luz, oh my gods,” she said. She hugged Luz tightly, both girls crying. “Baby, you’re bleeding everywhere! We have to get you cleaned up,” Amity said. She stood, trying to help Luz stand as well.
Luz couldn’t stand. “My legs, they, uh, don’t wanna work,” she said, trying to laugh it off.
Amity didn’t respond, she simply bent down and scooped Luz into her arms.
Luz squeaked, wrapping her arms around Amity’s neck. “You’re, uh, pretty strong,” Luz said lamely, face bright red. She looked up into Amity’s eyes.
Tears lined those yellow eyes, fear etched across her face. Luz could feel a slight trembling in the arms that held her. Still, Amity moved them towards the stairs without showing much struggle. She gave Luz a kiss on her temple. “It helps me hold onto someone as amazing as you.”