And If You’re Homesick, Give Me Your Hand And I’ll Hold It

~Back at the hospital~

“Where is he?!”

“Easy Grey, don’t go in there and bite his head off. You are aware that this is a hospital? People tend to come here for medical purposes. That’s kind of our thing.”

Meredith gave Dr. Bailey a look.

“Room 2504.” She relented.

“Thank you. Was that so hard?”

Bailey burned warning eyes into her skull.

“I won’t bite his head off! We used to be friends you know.”

“Is that what we’re calling it now.”

“We used to be- people who both liked Cristina a whole lot. Be grateful I didn’t bring Derek.”

“Why? You afraid he’d bring a gift basket and sing Celebration.”

Meredith gave her an unamused look.

“Just let me see him.”

“You are aware Dr. Shepherd is Operating on him tomorrow, with Dr. Torres?”

“No, I was not. Derek didn’t tell me. By the way, don’t call Cristina.”

“It’s her ex-fiancé, don’t you think she’d want to know he was here. At least so she could avoid him if she so chooses?”

“Fine. But not right now. She’s probably asleep. I’m not going to be the one to ruin her night, and neither are you.”

“Whatever you say.”

Dr. Bailey followed closely behind Meredith as the woman sped through the halls of the hospital, in search of room 2504.

Once she got there, a man with glasses and familiar almost buzzed-short hair, was sat in a bed in the middle of the room.

“Grey! It’s good to-“

“Shut up.” She spat frustratedly,

“If you’re coming in here, thinking now’s your chance and you’re going to try and get Cristina back or something, after that- wedding, think again. That ship has sailed. I mean really, you couldn’t be further from her type anymore.”

“I know.”

“And another thi- excuse me?”

“What? She called me.”

“She- called you?”

“Well, it wasn’t long or anything, but yeah. She said something along the lines of ‘it’s all men, you’re not special or anything. Don’t take it personally.’. She even suggested I come here, for my surgery.”

“Well that’s- interesting.”

“Meredith, I have a wife, Angie, and two beautiful kids. Lucille, who we call Lucy, and Sienna. I’m happy, I don’t need to, chase after someone from the past because I have everything I need.”

“Sorry.”

“You’re just protecting Cristina. I see you two are still, sharing each others occipital lobes.”

“Cristina, is my person.”

“I know, Mer.”

“Wait hold on go back what’s he talking about, ‘it’s all men’, what’s all men? I mean I agree, but some details would be nice.”

“It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.”

“You know, I’m going to find out sooner or later. Dr. Bailey knows everything.”

“I’m sure you will, but I’m not at liberty to say. That’s up to Cristina. And you don’t talk.”

Meredith pointed to the man, Dr. Burke, giving him what could’ve been the glare of the century.

He shrugged his shoulders,

“It’s not my business.”

Miranda gave them both a once over before resigning to the fact that she wasn’t going to break them,

“Sure, fine. I’ll just go find an intern to nag.”

~~

The sun shone in through the windows of Teddy’s bedroom. The curtains had been opened.

Cristina stirred, slowly waking up and rubbing a hand across her face.

It took her a second to realize she wasn’t in her own bed.

It took her another to process that she wasn’t even in her own clothes.

And then she half remembered that she’d been at Teddy’s last night.

When she found no one beside her , a panic set through her.

She looked around blearily for a clock, which she found on a nightstand next to her. Thankfully it was digital, and her brain didn’t have to work out hands and lines and numbers.

“Crap! Damn it.”

It was almost ten o’clock.

She’d slept in and now she was extremely late for work and the chief was gonna kill her if Bailey didn’t chew her out first.

Not that dr. Bailey had the same level of authority over her as she did in her intern year, especially not as a third year resident, but still.

It was Bailey; she had a way.

And Cristina respected her. She’d do anything to not disappoint her, unless it was one of those times where she had to bend the rules (which she really hated) to save a life.

She jolted up and attempted to untangle herself from the blanket that was wrapped around her.

Stupid duvets.

Stupid duvets.

“Hey. You’re up.”

The sound startled the brunette, which, in her still mostly asleep but also panicked state, was almost dizzying.

“Jesus! You scared the crap out of me. We’re so late, it’s almost ten-“

“I called the Chief. We have the day off. I told him you were sick and it could be contagious.”

“WHAT?!”

“I’m kidding! I just told him we weren’t going to be able to come in today. I figured it’s up to you if you wanted to tell him, whatever you wanted to tell him. But it seemed like you could use the day, and I didn’t want to just leave you like that.

I also called Meredith, cause, I figured I should. She asked if you were okay, I told her I didn’t know but I’d make sure you were.”

What was Teddy still doing here? Didn’t they have patients? Surgeries?

What even was happening right now.

“What is happening,” Cristina muttered, blinking widely, trying to wake up.

“Don’t we have surgeries? Burke’s got his, lumbar surgery today with Callie and Shepherd. I was s’posed to visit him before that and- hold on, you have Meredith’s number?“ she questioned sleepily. It all sounded just a bit sluggish.

“Don’t worry about that, or Burke, or the surgeries. I moved everything important, and the really important stuff that can’t wait is being covered by the other Cardio surgeons, which do exist by the way. And you can see Burke after.”

Teddy came further into the room, holding a steaming black mug, with a Bluebird on the front of it.

“Want some coffee?”

Cristina looked at her like she was crazy.

She was still only half awake and her mind hadn’t entirely wrapped itself around what was happening.

Give her a moment!

“You seemed really out of it. And you looked so peaceful. I figured I’d let you get some rest. It was a long night.”

Teddy moved to sit beside her, and held out the mug full of coffee towards her.

Cristina took it.

“Thanks.”

“There’s more in the kitchen if you want.”

“How did I get in here? Oh god I didn’t sleep walk or something right? I don’t think I do that, but you never know.”

“I carried you.”

“You carried me?”

Are you frickin kidding me? That’s so hot oh my god.

“Yeah. Army training, plus you’re pretty small. It was like carrying a large bunny rabbit.”

What the hell. Is this really happening right now Jesus fuck.

Cristina’s cheeks heated up in embarrassment.

“Wait did I even sleep in the living room?”

“Nope. You passed out in the bathroom, on the floor. Well, on me, but it was basically the floor. About five minutes into that nervous system hug thing. I would’ve stayed there, I guess you were comfy, but trust me this was the much more comfortable option.”

“Oh god.” Cristina lit her hand on her face, remembering the events of last night as they came flooding back to her in more detail,

“You didn’t have to bring me in here, you  could’ve- dumped me on the couch or something.”

Teddy gave her a look as if the thought itself was ridiculous. And maybe it was.

Maybe now there was a reason not to be left on the couch, when there was a perfectly good king sized bed. Teddy’s king sized bed.

“So.. I think we should talk about this. Us.”

Cristina grumbled out a, “Wow, good morning to you too.”, but she was smiling by the end of it.

Teddy just casually admitted to carrying her to her bed and there was an ‘us’ to talk about.

How could she not smile?

“Good morning Cristina,” Teddy exaggerated goofily, “can we please talk about last night.”

“Fine.” Cristina shot back, her half smile even even more visible,

“But I think I said no stupid small talk.”

Teddy returned the smile, hers wide but equally full of meaning,

“Right. This doesn’t qualify as stupid small talk though, does it?”

Cristina sighed dramatically,

“I suppose it doesn’t.”

Teddy shook her head with a smile,

“You’re ridiculous.” She said.

“So I’ve been told.”

Teddy chuckled.

“Well, go ahead.” Cristina gestured expectantly.

“Alright. Cristina, When I met you, you hated me-“

“I did not!”

“You so did- come on you googled me and quizzed me on my own info.”

“Well- I had just lost two cardio greats, give me a break!”

Teddy smiled softly,

“That’s not the point, the point is, you hated me, and then you didn’t, but I was trying so hard to get Owen back that I was ignoring what was right in front of me. I think we’ve established that we both feel the same, and, I want to do this right. I don’t want to ignore what’s in front of me again. I haven’t met someone who’s as confident, and talented and headstrong about their work, and, beautiful, as you are. And-I honestly don’t know how you keep so cool about this stuff-“

“Hello? breakdown? on your floor? about this very thing?”

“Okay fair enough, but- I’ve never met someone like you, and, we went from a rough start to the best damn Cardiothoracics team Seattle’s ever seen. Getting to know you has been one of the highlights of my life, so, I really hope you’ll consider being my girlfriend, because I would really hate to go a day without knowing you and caring about you, in a girlfriend way. What do you think?”

“I think.. I think that I’m not easy. In a girlfriend way. And in a non-girlfriend way. I want to be but I’m not. And I’m messy. Not a messy person, but my stuff is messy, and my apartment was only clean because I lived with Owen and I wasn’t the one cleaning it. If he wasn’t there, there would’ve been stuff everywhere, and it would’ve been chaos. Now that he’s gone it’s back to chaos. And I care, but I don’t care, my mess is who I am, in my soul. My frickin’ soul Teddy.

And.. I’ll probably be difficult to get stuff out of sometimes, because I keep things inside and I’m not the best at letting most people in. But I am good at communication, I think, as long as you actually talk to me and try. At the very least I’ll try to share what I’m comfortable sharing.

I-, wouldn’t want to lose another person over stupid differences, so if we’d ever fight I’d say please try and communicate, and I will as much as I can. I won’t force myself to share things I don’t feel comfortable sharing. It’s exhausting enough forcing myself to be five different things all day.

I can’t lose someone else because of stupid differences. But maybe men are just stupid. Sorry, Owen’s not stupid.”

“Oh no, Owen’s stupid. He’s headstrong about what he wants, and that can make him forget there’s two sides to consider, not just his. He’s my best friend, but I’m not above admitting he’s stupid.”

“Right. uh, If we do this, I need you to promise that you won’t just walk away. That you’ll try to understand, and you’ll consider it really hard before you call it quits, okay? Because I can’t do that again. I need someone who will let me process and think. Who won’t pressure me the way we’re pressured at the hospital.

I can make snap decisions in surgery, but this isn’t surgery. There shouldn’t be a scalpel in my hands here. I need you to promise.”

“No scalpels, low pressure, whatever you need. I promise. And I try hard not to break my promises.”

“You’re sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“You better be. You’ve said it, so no take backs Altman.”

“No take backs. Anything else?”

“Yeah… I’m autistic. I should’ve told you but I don’t really talk about it. I don’t hide it, but I don’t go out of my way to bring it up.”

“Okay, thank you for telling me, and trusting me. It doesn’t change anything for me.”

“You’re not.. mad? That I never told you?”

“Why would I be mad? You shouldn’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. I’m glad you felt like you could tell me now, but it’s no one’s business, and it’s yours to share only if you want to. So, what do you say? Will you be my girlfriend?”

“After all of that, you still want to date me?”

“Um, yes? Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because I’m complicated.”

“You don’t sound complicated to me. Just a few extra things to consider, but not complicated.”

“No?”

“No.”

Oh.

Cristina’s face broke out into a smile.

“Yeah. I’ll be your girlfriend.”

“yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Teddy laughed, a sort of thing that bubbled up and sounded absolutely goofy,

“Thank god.”

“We’re really doing this?”

“It sounds like it Yang.”

They both smiled wide at each other for what felt like hours.

“So..what do we do now? Is it like Girl Scouts, do we share our feelings? Is there a stick we pass around or something? Sorry for the jokes, I’ve never done this before. Clearly.”

“Actually, I do wanna ask how you’re feeling. I was pretty worried last night.”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“I think that was the best sleep I’ve had in years.”

Teddy ignored the fact that that really wasn’t what she was asking about, so Cristina was obviously avoiding giving a real answer.

She wouldn’t push it.

Besides,

“Really? Half on the bathroom floor is the best sleep you’ve had in years?”

“It turns out you’re really comfortable.”

“Thanks?”

“I’m not kidding, if that’s how people are sleeping every night, I want in.”

“You really don’t get good sleep?”

Cristina shook her head,

“Mm-m. Between, nightmares when I was a kid, drowning in homework in college, and unreliable long hours at the hospital, good sleep has been non-existent.”

“You had nightmares?”

“Yeah.”

Cristina breathed in deep.

“I got super into books and tapes about the heart and chest after… mostly kid stuff, but other stuff too, and i would bring them with me everywhere. I don’t think anyone at my school liked that very much, but, screw ‘em. I don’t think my mom loved it either. Guess it’s not ideal for your kid to be so- fixated on a thing that just reminds you of your dead ex-husband. But, she always took me to get more, and she didn’t have to. So that’s something I guess.

And my Stepdad, he would read my textbooks with me, get excited when I’d learn new facts, even if he was just being nice. Y’know he still has my first drawing of an anatomically correct heart.”

Teddy smiled at the image of a little Cristina drawing a heart, maybe out of a textbook, but probably from memory, and having it displayed on a fridge or something. Maybe in a frame, or thumbtacked to a cork board.

“I thought.. I thought if I could learn how it all worked, I could be one of those people who get’s peoples hearts to beat. I just about broke our VCR watching tapes of lame science lessons, and this one about heart transplants and how they work? That was the first time I ever saw an OR. That one was my favorite.”

“You were trying to fix your dad.”

The realization hit Teddy so startlingly she felt an immediate ache for the girl beside her. To try to fix something so unfixable at such a young age. Teddy couldn’t fathom how hard it must’ve been, to lose her dad so young.

She’d spent her life loving and being loved by her parents. She didn’t experience that loss until she was on her own and already a doctor.

She wanted to wrap Cristina up in her arms and keep her steady. She wanted to be an anchor.

Cristina didn’t openly give out information like this. It hadn’t quite dawned on her yet that she was so easily talking with Teddy in a way that not a single other person she’d met in Seattle since she came here had gotten the privilege of doing with her.

Except Meredith, but still, it had taken time to share certain things with her and it was always more difficult because she was her best friend, and she was always worried about losing her and that title changing to something else.

In fact even when they had disagreements, Cristina was always worried that was going to be it, and Meredith would be gone.

Meredith might the easiest and hardest person to share things with. She’s fortunate that Mer knows her so well in ways beyond factual knowledge, because they probably wouldn’t work so well if she didn’t.

But that’s besides the point.

“Maybe, but I knew I couldn’t fix him. I was trying to learn how, so I could fix someone else. And- I started to have these, dreams? Nightmares. Where every night I would try a new way to save him. Every night a new technique, a new strategy to somehow get him to be alive when the ambulance got there. And every night he would still be dead, in the middle of the road, and there was nothing I could do to save him.”

“Did the ambulance ever make it in time? If you’re comfortable sharing.”

It wasn’t lost on Teddy that this was sort of a special privilege in a way. Cristina had just said she didn’t let people in easily, but she was talking to her so openly (for Cristina) about things Teddy isn’t even sure if Meredith knows about, let alone anyone else.

It was like she was given an access key. A pad lock with, a code that could be reset at any moment, that wasn’t given out to just anyone, but it was given to her.

She wasn’t going to take it for granted, or be careless with it.

Cristina gave one nod in acknowledgment,

“Once. But still- it didn’t do anything. I think that’s when I gave up trying. I knew it was a dream. I was lucid dreaming so I just gave up. I would walk away, down the road, or back into the car. Once I made it to an IHOP, I know because it was the one with this one specific booth that me and my dad used to sit in on Saturdays, for lunch because it was always less crowded at eleven on a Saturday. The waitress with a blurry face I couldn’t really see sold me a coffee. I was 12. Are they allowed to sell coffee to kids? The other side of the booth was always empty, but it had a dent in the cushion like someone was supposed to be sitting there.

If I went back to the car I would wait for the ambulance, and then I would wake up before the two paramedics would appear. I didn’t want to leave him like that.”

Silence hung in the air for a moment.

It wasn’t uncomfortable, but it wasn’t entirely comfortable either. It felt frozen, like a stale mate, like being in the OR, trying to keep a patient breathing while someone else held a bomb in place in their chest cavity, but less intense, and her life wasn’t being threatened, though a small part felt like it.

Like Cristina was holding out her heart, in her barehands, and waiting to see what Teddy would do with it.

Would she be gentle? Would she squeeze until it stops pumping like others before? Holding it in their grip without room to get oxygen and blood flow.

“Jesus, I haven’t even been awake for half an hour and I’m- dumping all this on you. Sorry.”

“Don’t ever apologize for sharing things about yourself. Whatever you want to share I wanna hear. That sounds terrifying, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that for so long.”

The brunette, who had spent the entire conversation looking down or at anything other than Teddy’s face, finally looked over at her.

“I’ve never told anyone about the dreams. No one needed to know, it’s none of their business really. And I didn’t think anybody would wanna know, y’know?  ‘Oh you have dreams about your dad dying? Morbid.’”

“Well I do. I want to know about your dreams, I want to know you, Cristina. And not the you everyone wants you to be, or expects you to be either. I want to know you.”

“Not a lot of people like that person.”

“I do. I will.”

“Some people think I’m nice to have, like an idea. Hot and smart. It has never been easy to open up to any of them. Burke was one thing. I really thought there was something there, a trust? Maybe? But I still couldn’t open up to him all the way.

I tried, really hard, with Owen, but- it was always about what he could have. He’s not a bad guy I know that I just-. I don’t know, maybe something’s wrong with me.

I mean I know something’s wrong with me, technically. I can’t talk to people, not the ‘right way’ anyway, and my brain is kind of all over the place, so it makes sense. But, maybe it was also that they weren’t.. right. Like, men weren’t right. I don’t know.”

“There is nothing wrong with you. So your brain works different, you’re still a kickass Cardio surgeon, right?  I get what you mean though, I think. I don’t want you to think I only want to have you. There’s so much more to you than just a nice idea. There’s so much more to learn and I might not learn everything but, I know that you’re so much more than what people think of you.”

“Usually people just think I’m cold and some kind of emotionless robot. Y’think maybe they’re right?”

“No. Not at all. In fact I know they’re not. I know that you have a hard time showing it but you care so much. About your friends, and your life and your job. I know because I’ve seen it.”

“Don’t just say that because you feel like you have to.”

“I’m not.”

“I don’t want people to think I’m some cold heartless bitch who only cares about being the best,”

Cristina fiddled with the handle of the coffee cup in her hands,

“I just… I felt my dads heart, in my hands. I am the way I am about my job because I want someone else’s heart to keep beating, I want my hands to keep someone else’s heart beating. I need, to feel their heart beat. Because his didn’t.”

“I know that now, hey,”

Teddy’s hands hovered over Cristina’s, which were still holding the mug of coffee. Her eyes lifted up to the brunettes in question, which the woman returned with a nod, giving her permission to wrap her hands around her’s which were leeching the warmth from the mug.

“I know why you do it. Even when I didn’t know, I think I knew, on some level. I knew there was more. And I know you’re not heartless. You are so far from that. A heartless person wouldn’t be so worried about people thinking that they’re heartless.”

It wasn’t exactly the perfect hold, but now both of their hands were warm, so in the cold of the Seattle morning, it was just right.

“I’m so tired, Teddy.”

The blonde smiled bitter-sweetly, and nodded in understanding.

There was so much understanding.

Cristina had never had that before, not even in Meredith, who could know and understand her with her eyes closed and hear ears plugged.

“You wanna get some more rest? You can lay on me if you want.”

“Uh, Coffee.” Cristina lifted the mug that was in both of their hands (breaking the contact),  and her eyebrows, in suggestion.

“You can just set it on the nightstand.”

So she set down the coffee, and Teddy moved up on her bed, choosing to sit upright against the headboard, propped up by pillows, arms at her sides.

Cristina heisted when she decided she’d be most comfortable tucked into Teddy’s side.

But when she finitely chose to curl up with her, gently tugging Teddy’s left arm so it was over her torso, it suddenly seemed so easy.

“Is this okay?” She asked.

“Yeah are you comfortable?”

“M-hm. Might not be good company. I could fall right back asleep here.”

“You can sleep. I hear I’m the one to go to for that.”

That pulled a laugh out of Cristina,

“Yeah well. I probably shouldn’t, can’t mess up my amazing sleep schedule.”

Teddy rolled her eyes fondly,

“I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered that I put people to sleep.”

“No it’s- you’re just really comfortable. It’s not a bad thing.”

“Well then I’m flattered. Hey, can I ask you something?”

“I think I’ve hit my talking limit for now.” Cristina replied, honestly.

“Talking limit?”

“Last night was a lot. Talking is a lot.”

“Oh, okay. You don’t have to answer if you’re not up for it.”

“…Ask as many questions as you want. I can’t promise I’ll answer any of them, but go ahead.”

“That’s fine. So, the asking before touching you thing. Is that something you still want me to do? Going forward? I absolutely will if it makes you more comfortable, I just want to be sure we’re on the same page.”

Cristina considered the question for a moment.

No one’s ever really asked. They’ve either figured it out some other way and worked around it, or they ignored her discomfort all together.

Or they were Meredith. Who decided it was happening and Cristina couldn’t argue against it because Meredith was her person. And she’d never had a person before.

“You don’t have to ask all the time, but if it looks like it’s not the right time, ask, okay?”

“Okay. Will you tell me if it’s not the time?”

“If I can, I will.”

“What happened last night, you said it wasn’t a PTSD thing?”

“No, well yes and no, uhm, sometimes it can get bad because of my PTSD. But they happen because I get overstimulated or overwhelmed. Meltdowns and shutdowns. The bane of my existence. They suck. Sometimes I’m so much more aware of everything, every feeling or smell or even my own breathing, and every movement I make. It’s a lot.”

“Oh, did I overwhelm you?”

“No! Not really, it was just, the feelings, and the coming out, I guess. And you offering me clothes. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. As mortifying as that is to admit.

You grabbed my hand and offered to let me crash here and then let me borrow some of your clothes while I had the biggest dumbest crush on you. Like I said, it’s a lot.”

“That’s understandable.”

Teddy’s mouth quirked into a half-smile at ‘biggest dumbest crush’.

“Thank god I wasn’t awake when you carried me to your bed.”

Teddy laughed, full and genuine, and Cristina was beginning to love the sound.

“By the way, I might have to steal this sweatshirt.”

“That one’s my favorite!”

“Well you should’ve given me something else then. It’s crazy comfortable.”

“You’re seriously stealing it?”

“Maybe.”

“Fine. But I want part time custody.”

“Deal.”

“You know what it’s made out of right?”

Cristina lifted her head up with a confused look.

“Girlfriend material.”

“God. Stop flirting.” Cristina’s face heated up.

“Never.”

“That was bad. That was- how long have you been waiting to use that?”

“Hey! I thought it was pretty good.”

“That was such a Robbins pick-up line. Did you steal that from her?”

“That was good and you know it.”

Cristina laughed at her.

“… okay maybe I did. But in my defense she’s my only friend other than Owen.”

Cristina scoffed,

“I’m offended.” She said unseriously.

“You don’t count anymore.”

“Rude.”

“You know if you want I can break up with you and count you as my third friend.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Yes ma’am. Actually, I got that sweatshirt after finals my first semester of college. It was an incentive to keep going. And you’re right, it’s probably the most comfortable sweatshirt I own.”

“Well now it’s the most comfortable sweatshirt I own.”

“Are you really gonna steal it?”

“Are you really gonna let me?”

“… No comment. Okay I have more thing I wanna ask and then we can take a break if you want?”

“Okay?”

“What makes you overstimulated?”

Cristina mulled over the question for a minute.

Did she wanna know everything?

“For one, that light in your bathroom.”

“Yeah, I figured. I’ll get a different light bulb.”

“Oh you don’t have to do that, it’s not that big of a deal.”

“It overstimulates you, so I’ll switch it out. I don’t mind. Maybe we could figure out what kind would be better together. What else?”

“When people crowd around me and get way too close. Crying babies. Stress, I guess? But who doesn’t get overwhelmed by that. It depends, stressful work stuff is different than stress in my personal life. I don’t know, there’s a lot. I can’t think of it all off the top of my head.”

“That’s okay. If something comes up or comes to mind you can tell me.”

“I will.”

“We’ll figure it all out. I want you to know that you telling me you’re autistic doesn’t change a thing. You’re still you, and I happen to like you very much.”

“A true charmer.” Cristina joked, rolling her eyes fondly. “Thank you.” She said more sincerely.

Teddy carded her fingers deftly through Cristina’s hair, as the brunette closed her eyes

“You still tired?”

“Mhm.”

“You should get some sleep.”

“Bite me.”

“Only if you ask.”

“Wh- god, Altman. You can’t just say things like that. You’re gonna kill me.”

Teddy smirked,

“Well good thing I’m a doctor so I can resuscitate you.”

“God. I can feel you smirking. Do you always have this much energy in the morning, because that might be a problem.”

“I can stop anytime you want.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“Hey, I woke up hours ago, you slept in till ten o’clock.”

“Point taken. Though somehow I feel like you’re a wake up and go for a jog person. By the way never wake me up to jog. If you do I might have to murder you.”

“Oh come on Jogging is- fun.”

Cristina looked up at her like she had three heads.

“Who are you?”

“Okay, not fun, but nice. The cold morning air wakes you up. It’s refreshing.”

“Didn’t we establish I don’t get sleep, how is a cold jog gonna do anything but make me want to slam my head against a wall.”

“Right. The sleep thing’s really bad, huh?”

“I’ve been exhausted, for about 20 years.”

Teddy considered that.

“Hey, my doors always open to you if I might be able to help with that.”

“This isn’t like a key in a coffee cup thing right?”

“What?”

“My ex. He sprung a key to his place on me with a note in a coffee cup, and I kind of had no choice but to take it. I didn’t want him to get robbed cause I left his door unlocked.”

“Oh god, No. I’m not asking- no. I’m just saying I could leave my spare key under the mat, you know if you ever need to come over, at any hour. Doesn’t matter if it’s the middle of the night and you can’t sleep, or you just feel like stopping by.”

“I guess that works for me. No promises that I’ll take you up on it, but, the option might be nice.”

“Good. You realize you’re stuck with me now Yang.”

Cristina smiled.

She couldn’t contain it, she was happy.

Really, really happy.

“Yeah,” she said softly, shifting to burrow more into Teddy’s, her girlfriends, side,

“definitely works for me. Okay, no more talking, I’m gonna close my eyes.”

“Go for it.”

“You can keep talking.”

“What do I talk about?”

Cristina shrugged.

“Thanks. You know you’re lucky you’re cute.”

~~

“Ah! Dr. Grey. Just the person I was looking for.”

“Webber. What’s up? Is it urgent, because I kind of have-”

“I heard Dr. Burke is here? And Dr. Torres is operating on him?”

“He is. And she is. Derek too.”

Richard followed Meredith as she kept moving.

“They’re having both neuro and ortho scrub in?”

“Just a precaution. They might not even need Derek, but they just want to be safe.”

“Great, great- I was wondering, do you think they’d let me scrub in? Just to observe, apparently Burke can’t go under anesthesia?”

“With the meds he’s been taking recently he’s high risk, so yes, he will be awake for the surgery.”

“Great!”

Meredith briefly paused her stride to raise an eyebrow at him,

“Well not great, of course.”

She continued, matching her previous pace.

“But maybe he could use some company. You know while he’s.. lying there.”

“Richard, if you want to scrub in so you can hang out with Burke in the OR, then you should. Burke’s been gone; I’m sure you wanna catch up. But it’s not up to me, it’s not my surgery. You’d have to ask Derek or Callie.”

“But I-“

“Nope.”

“I just-“

“Not my surgery.”

“Well then can you just-“

“I am not asking Dr. Torres for you. Or my husband. This isn’t elementary school, we’re not two children and one is the friend who can’t tell the girl he likes her so he gets the other friend to do it for him. I have an Appy, I’ll see you later.”

“Dr. Grey, Dr. Grey! Meredith!”

Webber speed walked after her. He didn’t need Bailey lecturing at him about running in the halls.

~~

“You took the whole day off on the off-chance I’d say yes.”

“What?”

“To being your girlfriend.”

“Well-.. I had to try. Worst case scenario I get a day off and a little embarrassment, best case scenario, well, this. And I wasn’t just gonna leave without making sure you were okay.”

“I don’t normally skip work.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“No, seriously, it’s not a thing I enjoy doing. it stresses me out. This is an exception, don’t ever let me miss work again. Unless somebody’s dying.”

“Roger that. I don’t mean to break this up, I am perfectly content to stay like this for the rest of the day. But I drank two cups of coffee before you woke up and your elbow is sort of pressing on my bladder.”

Oh- jeez.

Cristina lifted her head and pulled back from Teddy apologetically,

“Sorry.”

“No worries. We should’ve probably gotten up at some point anyway.”

Teddy gave her a smiled, moved off of the bed, and checked the analog clock on her nightstand,

“It’s almost noon. You hungry?”

“Starving.”

“Great. Think about what you want, I’ll be right back.”

“What’s even over on this side of town?”

Cristina wondered, her voice getting louder as Teddy got further from her.

“How long have you lived here?” Teddy questioned. It sounded genuine, but there was a hint of incredulousness to it.

“What? I don’t do sightseeing.”

Cristina leaned back onto the pillows and waited for Teddy to come back. Once she did, the brunette moved over to make room for her on the bed again.

“You’ve never explored the city? Like, ever?”

“No?”

Teddy laid back on the pillows next to Cristina, her head propped up on her fist.

“How is that possible?”

“I know where the grocery store is. And- some, take out places.. that I call.”

Cristina had gone to an actual restaurant by herself, once. But she couldn’t for the life of her remember what the place was called or how she ended up getting there, or how on earth anyone could stand it when the other pizza place Meredith had been ordering from the last few years was already perfect.

Actually, she was trying to go there that night, but she was tired from her long shift and she’d looked up the first address for pizza she could find, because she’d never been, and because at that point Meredith had always been the one ordering pizza when everyone was over, so she hadn’t remembered the exact name of the place.

If she ever wanted to go out somewhere she’d just go to Joe’s.

Any places she’d gone to on dates, the dates had been driving, and she was too focused on the uncomfortable experience of sitting in silence in a car with them alone to care about what was out the window. It was all a blur of lights to her.

So no, she didn’t exactly know what Seattle had to offer beyond her circle. But it wasn’t an issue, unless of course someone were to ask her for recommendations or- directions.

She knew how to get to Meredith’s house, and her and Callie’s apartment, and other places people from work resided, and the convenience store to get the good ice cream and tequila, and that was pretty much it.

She knew where the mall was. She liked the pretzels.

Save for a few spots here or there, she was blind to the wonders of the city of Seattle, like the park Meredith made her jog through when she felt like she was gonna vomit, that was a place she knew. Which, who makes a pregnant lady go for a run anyway?

She never held a grudge about that. Maybe she should’ve.

Nah. Meredith’s a good kid.

“Yeah, we need to get you someplace other than that hospital, you could get cabin fever, which isn’t really treatable with antibiotics or a scalpel.”

“I like the hospital,” Cristina’s voice went up an octave in offense,

“The heart monitors are soothing.”

“Okay we really need to get you- far away from there, just for the day. We could go into the city. Oh! Let’s make an afternoon of it! We could- go see the space needle or, maybe we could go get lunch and then walk around Kerry Park. Does any of that sound at all appealing.”

“Hm.. space needle no, cause being stuck in a dome with all those people sounds like a nightmare. Lunch, you better or I might die of starvation,… Kerry Park. Okay, sure. But only if you let me take you to my favorite dollar store after. They have tiny chairs, for a DOLLAR.”

“It’s a date.”

The two shared a smile, but before they could fully engross themselves in the moment, Crisitna’s cellphone rang from where Teddy had placed it on the nightstand last night,

“Is that the hospital? Are they really calling you when they gave us the day off?”

“It’s Meredith. I told her to page me when Burke got out of surgery. I guess she decided to call because I’m not there.” Cristina answered it, “hey.”

“Hey, where are you? You need to get down here.”

“I’d agree in a heartbeat- but I’m kind of being forced to have the day off.”

Cristina side eyes Teddy with a silly smile.

“You need to come in. Right now. It’s Burke.”

Cristina froze. Her expression fading from the playful faux annoyance, to one of concern.

She jumped up and fumbled over Teddy and out of the bed; she put her hand on her forehead.

“I’ll be right there.”

It slid down her face as she paced,

“Wait- crap. My cars at Joe’s.”

“You left your car at Joe’s?”

“I can drive you. Hospital, right?”

“Meredith I swear I will talk to you about it later. I promise. I know I’ve been avoiding things, I’m sorry but-.”

“You gotta get down here.”

“Right. Okay.”

Cristina held her phone to her shoulder, as if that actually muffles people’s voices that much,

“Teddy, I’m sorry. I hate to interrupt our plans-“

“Nope, I totally get it. Here, I put your shoes by the door.”

“Thank you.” Cristina whispered to Teddy, as the woman got out of bed again and went to retrieve the shoes, which thankfully happened to be a pair of low-top Converse, and not a whole boots situation.

She picked up her phone again,

“Mer? I’m on my way.”

“Good. Room 2504.”

“2504.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ve gotta go.”

“I know.”

*click*

Cristina hung up and and raced to put her shoes on that Teddy had brought her.

Meanwhile the blonde grabbed her keys and purse, and the two raced out of the apartment.

Teddy took a moment to lock the door while Cristina didn’t hesitate to speed straight to the stairs, not even bothering with the buildings elevators, because they’d take forever.

Her girlfriend chased after her.

~~

“Excuse me- could you- excuse- okay out of the way people!”

“Woah, slow down lady.” A man scowled, annoyed.

“Shove it asshole.”

“Cristina!” Teddy exclaimed.

The elevator in the hospital was taking forever to come down.

If you need to talk to someone just shove them into a supply closet, stop cornering them in the elevator! Seriously, let’s go people!!

It’s not that she knew that’s why the elevator wasn’t opening, but it was only ever this slow when someone pressed the button to stop it, and they usually did that to talk to whoever was in it with them.

Usually because the person wouldn’t speak to them, so cornering them in the elevator seemed like their only option.

That or when George and Alex had to perform heart surgery on a guy and the elevator was stuck because of the power outage. But that was an exception, and wholly unrelated. And she really didn’t think that’s what was happening right now; a George and Alex situation. Considering the rest of the hospital looked to have working power and electrical at this very moment.

Cristina smacked the unopened stainless steel doors in frustration,

“Damn it!”

“Come on, we’ll take the stairs.”

Somehow the stairs hadn’t come to mind like they had in Teddy’s apartment building, when she’d deliberately ignored them. She was so focused on the quickest way to the Ortho wing, that stairs didn’t exist right now.

Teddy coaxed her away, grabbing her hand and pulling her in the direction of the first floor staircase.

“He could be dead! Dead, Teddy.”

Teddy noticed that when Cristina thought the worst, it was to the furthest extreme.

She wonders if that has to do with her dad.

“Meredith would have told you on the phone if it was that bad, right?”

“…yeah.”

“Okay, then he’s probably not dead. Let’s not jump to conclusions before we know everything. What room are we looking for?”

“2504.”

Cristina memorized it in her head in the car. Over and over,

2504, 2504,

Until she almost forgot it by thinking about it so much.

She was sprinting up the steps now, breaking the clasp of their hands together in favor of surprisingly not tripping on the steps.

It was actually sort of impressive, and Teddy would’ve thought harder on that had she not been preoccupied with figuring out where they needed to go and what they might be walking into.

“2504… Ortho? Cristina? Hey, slow down.”

“Yang? Wh- haven’t I taught you there’s no running in this hospital!”

“I am so sorry Dr. Bailey, Meredith called and-  it’s something about a Dr.Burke?”

“Oh. Right. M’kay uh, Dr. Altman?”

Teddy slowed to a stop and Dr. Bailey leaned in, voice lowered,

“Make sure you be careful, when you go in there.”

“What’s going on?”

“You better catch up to Yang and- see for yourself.”

“I don’t know him. I mean I’ve heard of him, he’s a Cardio guy but- I don’t know him.”

“Yeah, well Yang knew him pretty well, before he left. Just be careful.”

Teddy studied her face before nodding sharply.

She knew Cristina had dated Burke at some point, so Bailey’s comments didn’t faze her all that much. What she didn’t know was how serious it actually got.

From the sound of it it was pretty serious.

When she turned she noticed her girlfriend was already speeding towards the direction of the third floor staircase. She sprinted after her.

She finally caught up to her at the door to the room, almost running into her at the sudden stop.

Inside, Meredith was standing with her arms crossed, obviously having been pacing, waiting anxiously for her best friend to get there.

Derek was leaning against a wall. Callie was in a chair with a leg propped up, by the bed, where an intubated Burke lay.

His breathing rose steadily. It was too quiet in the room.

He had undergone Lumbar Decompression surgery via laminectomy. He was an uncommon case of possible paralysis that Derek had been able to correct, however, the complications during the surgery were just too great, and they didn’t know if he was going to wake up.

The sound of the two new presence’s snapped everyone out of whatever daze they had been in.

Meredith looked over her best friend, then her eyes flicked to Teddy, only for a split second, before they were back on Cristina.

She noted the clothes her best friend was wearing.

Not her own. Cristina went to Stanford and Berkeley and Smith. None of which were the name on the sweatshirt she had on.

“What happened?” Cristina demanded.

“He went into-“

“Meredith.”

Cristina cut Callie off.

“Cristina-“ Derek tried.

“No. I want Meredith to tell me what happened.”

“I don’t know. All I know is that one minute I’m scrubbing out of my Appy, and the next Derek and Callie have these looks on their faces, and they’re telling me Burke has been intubated.”

“Damn it.”

“Cristina-“

“God-.” Cristina groaned frustratedly.

“Hey, look, it’s gonna be okay. He’s strong, he’ll pull through this.” Meredith was trying to get through to her now.

“This is my fault. I told him to come here for his surgery. God he has a wife! And kids! He’s got a wife and kids Meredith, and he’s gonna die because of me!”

Cristina ran her hands over her hair that had been tied up in a pony tail on the ride over here.

Her breathing became erratic as she stepped closer to the hospital bed.

Teddy wanted to reach out for her, but she was respecting what they had talked about earlier, and gave her her space.

Plus, there were other people in the room, and they hadn’t talked about telling people about them yet, given that it had hardly been any time at all.

“Okay, everybody out.”

“But Meredith-“

“No, Derek, out. You too Callie. Come on, we’ll go find some chips or something.”

“Do you even like chips?” Callie questioned, but she willingly got up from the wooden chair with the signature purple hospital furniture cushions and followed her.

“Why does Dr. Altman get to-“ Derek tried, but was swiftly cut off by his wife,

“Go.” Meredith insisted, then more quietly to Derek,

“Leave it.”

“Alright, we’re going.”

Teddy moved out of the doorway so they could step out.

Meredith hovered her hands in front of Cristina’s arms. Close but not touching her.

She must be aware of the rule.

Teddy took note of it. Filing the info away for later.

“Stay as long as you need. But come and find me later, okay?”

Cristina nodded, her gaze never leaving Burke.

It was like physically she was standing there, but she wasn’t really there.

“Dr. Altman. Thank you for bringing her.”

“Of course.” Teddy softened as she looked over at Cristina.

Meredith patted the woman’s shoulder as she passed by, leaving Her best friend and Teddy to it.

The blonde watched her go before she turned her gaze back to her girlfriend.

The woman was staring at Burke from the end of the bed.

Outside the doorway, the sounds of Meredith shoving Derek and Callie down the hall -with protests and an “ow! okay.” from Derek-, started and slowly faded as they got further away.

Cristina looked haunted. The look she had on her face shook Teddy in a way she wasn’t prepared for. She’d never seen her like that.

She hopes she’ll never have to again.

It became silent when everyone left. Only the beep of the heart monitor, the muffled sound of the ongoings of the hospital through the open door, and the low sound of the air conditioning that ran through every room, could be heard.

“It sounds like they did everything they could.”

Cristina flinched at the sudden break of atmosphere from Teddy’s voice.

She didn’t respond.

Teddy turned and closed the door.

She moved closer to the brunette and decidedly pulled her into her arms tightly.

Cristina turned and buried her face in the front of Teddy’s shirt, leaning her body weight on her.

“Okay, it’s okay.”

She cried. Right into Teddy’s shirt. She cried and it didn’t matter that she was at the hospital or that this was now probably the third time in the last day, that she had been this vulnerable with Teddy.

The emotionless robot.

That’s what she had been known as. That’s what everybody saw, because Cristina refused to let her resolve slip.

She didn’t cry in front of people unless she couldn’t hold it in anymore, and she certainly didn’t let people know that something like this affected her like it did.

She was emotionless. But she was probably filled with more emotion than half of the doctors here. She felt it so strongly that the only way to not get overwhelmed by it was to run away from it.

Put on a solid resolve and as much it hurts for people to think you don’t care, or you don’t feel, at least you don’t have to handle all of it all the time.

She usually dances it out when she’s alone or with Meredith, and that helps. But it’s not always enough.

As sobs wracked her body, Teddy held her and slowly rocked them back and forth, instinctually leaving a kiss in her hair at the top of her head and breathing her in.

Cristina just didn’t have the energy to try to keep up appearances or keep any of her emotions at bay, shielded from other people, like she’s so good at doing.

She’s a great deflector, a great bottle it up and don’t show weakness person, but Burke had a frickin’ tube in his mouth.

“Cristina? Hey Cris, we should sit down.”

Cris.

In her swarm of- everything,  she couldn’t help but think that she liked hearing the nickname from Teddy.

Cristina hesitated, then gave one sharp nod and slinked her way out of Teddy’s hold.

The woman guided them to the wooden chair by the bed, and insisted that her girlfriend sit in it, and that she was fine to stand.

Cristina didn’t bother arguing.

She sat and stared straight ahead at Burke in front of her for a minute or two.

He was relaxed, his features and his hands. He was a surgeon, he had to have a steadiness.

Cristina didn’t think she’d ever seen his hands so relaxed.

“Teddy?” She asked eventually, never taking her eyes off Burke.

It was like a sea rising in her chest, and she needed something to release the tension.

“Yeah?”

there was a pause.

“Forget it. It’s stupid.”

“I’m sure it’s not. What’s up?”

“Could you,”

She put her arms over herself to show what she was asking.

“Sure, how do you want me to..?”

Cristina grabbed hold of Teddy’s right arm that was leaning on the arm of the chair, and pulled her around in front of her, before standing up and motioning for Teddy to sit down in the chair.

It was a small enough chair on its own, but when Teddy realized she wanted to be on top of her while she was in it, it felt impossibly smaller.

She wasn’t going to say no. Wasn’t going to deny her this when Cristina needed comfort.

She leaned her elbows on the arms of the chair and Cristina settled in her lap, facing Burke again, as Teddy wrapped her arms over her girlfriend in a tight hold, palms flat against her long sleeve covered biceps for maximum contact.

“This okay?”

Cristina sighed,

“Yes. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

Cristina leaned back to get even closer to her.

“So is Burke the key in the coffee cup guy?”

“Yeah.”

Teddy nodded in acknowledgement, though she wanted to say maybe a million things.

“You called me Cris.”

“I did. Is that okay?”

“My dad called me that.” Cristina replied, absently.

“I can use something else, if that’s his thing.”

“He can’t say it anymore. I miss hearing it. You can say it.”

Cristina closed her eyes and tilted her head back so her face was towards the ceiling.

Her right and Teddy’s left cheek were touching. She leaned into it.

Teddy tried not to make a big deal of it, but inside she was anything but calm. She was melting and her metaphorical heart was swelling and all of the things were happening at the contact.

“He has a life. A good one. One he actually wants. He doesn’t deserve this.”

“He doesn’t. But that doesn’t mean it’s your fault.”

Their voices reverberated off of each other.

“I called him. I told him to come here.”

“Because you wanted him to have the best care I’m assuming, right? No one could’ve predicted this would happen. I’m sure of it.”

“His wife and his kids can’t see him die. They can’t be that old, it hasn’t been that long since he left. They can’t see him die.”

“I’m sorry Cris. This can’t be easy.”

There was a moment of silence, where Cristina was taking in the contact of their faces pressed together, and Teddy was savoring it.

“Don’t let go.” Cristina asked.

Practically begged.

And god she didn’t like to beg, it was ridiculous and desperate and she had been told before that she was over-doing it when she had been all over Hahn about being on her service, and all over Bailey about being on Cardio in general.

But she needed that contact, she needed every bit she could get from Teddy or she might implode.

“I won’t.”

Cristina sighed again; content. Like she could breathe now.

Eventually exhaustion got the better of her, and she fell asleep.

~~

The door to the room swung open,

“Hey Cristina I- oh. Hello.”

Callie smiled, amusedly, at the sight in front of her.

“Shh, she’s sleeping.”

“I can see that.” Callie smirked at the position Teddy was in underneath Cristina.

She totally knew something was going on between them. Cristina was asleep so she had to tease Teddy about it immediately.

Though it would’ve been ten times better if Cristina was awake for it too.

Teddy blushed, looking at Callie like a wild deer in the headlights. But she wasn’t about to directly expose their relationship without Cristina’s consent, so she quickly changed the subject,

“Did you need something?”

“Huh? Oh, I just came to apologize to Yang. I told Meredith not to call her, cause it would just stress her out. Seeing Burke like this? But I suppose it’s good. We really don’t know what’s going to happen.”

“Does she get stressed like this often?”

“As someone who shared an apartment with her? Yes, yes she does. Yeah, you don’t really see it at work, unless something big happens. She really tries to hold it together until she’s alone. She prefers being left alone when it gets overwhelming. Sometimes we’d hang out, y’know, living room chats and all, but she always locked herself in her room when it got like this. She likes her space, but, sometimes she’d let me in, a little bit.

I did that for her once, the tight arms thing? I think I kind of get it. I suppose everyone likes a hug that sucks the life out of them every once in a while. I think it’s more than that for her, but. Y’know. I know it helped when I did it. Much as she refuses to admit it.”

“I wish I could take her pain away.”

“You did a good thing, bringing her here.”

Teddy gave a short nod, trying not to jostle the girl in her lap.

“Uhm, it’s none of my business, but. Cristina takes time, to get to know. It may seem weird that she rushed over here to see her ex, but it’s not. They may not be right for each other like everyone once thought they were, it’s pretty obvious. But it’s not weird that she cares about him. Don’t think it’s weird.

And don’t think it’s anything more than it is. Maybe some guilt? And, she cares a lot more than everybody thinks she does.”

Teddy smiled, looking to her right at the girl, whose face was now on her shoulder,

“I’m starting to realize that.”

Callie smiled at the pair,

“I think I’ve literally never seen her do that.”

Callie nodded towards the pair to indicate what she was referring to,

“I’m happy for you two. She deserves someone who will take care of her.”

“I-“

“Teddy, she barely lets anybody else except Meredith get that close to her, let alone lie directly on top of them.”

“Right. Thank you.”

“Just, don’t hurt her. We have our ups and downs, but when we were roommates she wasn’t uptight about the apartment being messy, and, don’t tell her I said this but she’s actually a badass. She’s got her struggles, but she’s a pretty loyal friend, when it comes down to it. So, try not to hurt her, okay? Because I have a bone saw and I’m very comfortable using it.”

Teddy chuckled,

“Noted.”

Callie turned to leave, but,

“Hey, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“How did you know, that Arizona was the one?”

“Oh. Uhm, well, there were a lot of things. But, okay so there was this one time, we were just, at Joe’s. There was a crowd of people- like, everyone needed a drink or something. And I turned to her, and, she was the most beautiful person in the room. I just turned and, I can’t even really explain it, but, she glowed a certain way.

Not even her looks. I mean, yeah she’s gorgeous, and, hot. Like, bonkers hot. I mean she is scolding a-. Sorry. But also her personality? And her laugh and her smile. It’s the most infectious thing in the world to me, and I see a lot of infections.”

Teddy laughed.

“What about her.” Callie nodded towards Cristina in Teddy’s lap.

“It- hasn’t been that long. But, I feel.. complete. Like something’s stilled inside me for the first time in years. It feels like something clicking into place. Which, has been hard to come by these days. I don’t know, I just wanna be close to her like I haven’t with anyone in, over 10 years?”

“I’m sensing that there was someone else? Owen? Maybe even before Owen?”

“Yeah. But she’s not here anymore. She died. And I thought, I’d never have that again. I guess I was wrong.”

“People can surprise us. I realized I was Bi because of this woman, who used work here? Before you came actually, a Cardio surgeon, Dr. Erica Hahn.”

“I’ve heard about Hahn.” Teddy said thoughtfully.

“Right, the chief probably debriefed you back when you came in. Anyway, after she left, I met Arizona. She surprised the hell out of me. She kissed me in the bathroom at Joe’s one night out of nowhere. And then she told me I was basically like a baby minnow and too new in the lady lover department for her, but we worked it out, and now she’s the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with.”

Teddy gave Callie a warm look.

“I realized I was Bi when I met a girl, on a bike, she had fake birds in the basket on the front; almost ran me over.”

Her and Callie shared a chuckle.

“She was the love of my life. I think I stayed away from women after her because I was scared of what would happen if I let myself fall in love with one again. I don’t know what I would do if I lost Cristina like I lost Allison.”

“You think Cristina could be like that? A love of your life?”

“I hope so. Allison and I- we didn’t get enough time. But me and Cristina can have more time, right?”

“Right. For what it’s worth I’m really rooting for you two.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ve gotta go check on patients, but, I’ll be back around later?”

“Sounds good. Thanks, again, Callie.”

Callie sent her one last smile, then took a glance at Burke, and tapped the side of the door frame once before walking away down the hall.

It didn’t matter now that Callie had clocked their relationship so easily. Teddy couldn’t help it if someone else figured it out on their own.

So she thought it was okay. Plus, Callie wouldn’t out them.

But no matter what might happen in the time that Cristina was sleeping, Teddy wouldn’t let go of the hold she had her in unless she woke up and asked.

She wouldn’t stop the thing that was providing her girlfriend comfort just so some people wouldn’t find something out that she wasn’t afraid or ashamed of.

If this is what it took for her to get some much needed rest, then Teddy was more than happy to sit in an uncomfortable chair next to the hospital bed of a guy her girlfriend used to date.

~~

The waiting was the worst part.

While Cristina got sleep Teddy was up, keeping an eye on Burke to see if there was any change, and making sure it wasn’t bad change.

Callie had come back by and Teddy assured her she could keep an eye on him for her, since she was here, and she already had the day off, and she quite literally had nowhere else to go, being all but glued to the chair and all.

More like pinned to the chair, but the semantics don’t matter.

For a few minutes, she allowed herself to snuggle into Cristina, as best as she could in the small chair they had somehow both managed to occupy.

She spent some time admiring her.

Her features, the way she would nuzzle in just a bit, before stilling again with slow, even breathes.

She buried her face in her hair and took in the woman she got to call her girlfriend.

Talked out loud to her and Burke, for a while.

But it was getting late.

The sun would start getting a burnt orange in a couple of hours, and Teddy knew that at some point, the nurses who enforced visiting hours would come around, and they would have to go, doctors at the hospital or not. They weren’t working, so the nurses would take great pleasure in kicking out a couple of surgeons for sure.

That, and someone other than Callie was bound to come by.

Bailey seemed to be giving Cristina her space, or she was just busy, but Meredith was almost surely going to be on her way over here if Cristina didn’t come to find her herself soon.

The two were one organism, they always found a way to each other, through anything. They weren’t bound by time or space or secrets.

They were like magnets, the oval shaped ones they sell in the toy isle at the grocery store. Hands keep them apart, but they’re always one snap release away from flying towards each other.

And Derek was one of Burke’s doctors, it was almost shocking that he hadn’t come back yet. But Meredith or Miranda, or hell even Callie, had probably told him not to.

At some point, Cristina stirred.

It had been four hours.

She had slept for four hours.

It was a wonder Teddy’s limbs hadn’t fallen asleep. Other than maybe her ass, which was stuck in a wooden chair so of course it was gonna be numb.

She lifted her head slowly, in a daze; feeling the way you typically do when you take a long, spontaneous nap at a random time. Everything feels strange and you need a minute to adjust to your surroundings.

She almost slipped off Teddy’s lap, but the woman caught her.

“Morning sleepyhead.”

“I fell asleep?” Cristina grumbled, half mumbling.

Teddy just barely caught what she was saying; she chuckled lightly,

“You were out for four hours.”

“Oh. Oh god.”

Cristina, now mildly alert (mildly), attempted to scramble off of her lap (very ungracefully), but Teddy caught on to what she was doing, and drew her back in.

“Hey, it’s okay. No one’s come in. Except Callie, I didn’t say anything. She figured it out. I didn’t want to share without making sure it’s okay with you, but she saw us and put it together.”

Cristina was silent for a moment.

“Okay.” She eventually said, accepting the information, and relaxing into Teddy’s hold,

“How’s he doing?” She asked.

“No change, I’m sorry.”

“No news is good news, right?”

“Right.”

Cristina began watching Burke, like she had done hours ago.

Teddy watched her.

“You look really peaceful when you sleep.”

“Were you watching me sleep? Weirdo.”

“What, I’m not ashamed of it. Besides I was stuck underneath you for four hours. What was I supposed to do.”

“You really sat here that long?” Her voice sounded groggy still, but also curious and hopeful.

“I did. I can’t feel my ass but, eh, worth it.”

A small smile formed on Cristina’s face. She didn’t look away from the hospital bed.

Teddy was so nice.

Cristina didn’t think she would ever stop.

God. I don’t ever want her to stop.

“Thank you for driving me here. Sorry I fell asleep on you.”

“Am I still as comfortable as I was last night?”

“Absolutely.”

“Good. Stop apologizing.”

“Right.”

“Are you feeling any better?”

“No comment.”

“Was the nap at least refreshing?”

“Ask me again in five minutes when the grog wears off.” Cristina grumbled.

Teddy chuckled,

“Fair enough.”

“Great first date, huh?” The brunette chuckled, sardonically.

“Perfect.” Teddy replied, sincerely.

“Uh I was kidding.”

“I know. Just because our plans got derailed doesn’t mean we can’t call this day a date. Our first date wasn’t going to be conventional anyway. We’re surgeons, there’s never going to be a good time for a perfect, no interruptions thing.

So, if you wanted to consider this our first, I’d be more than okay with that. This is the best date I’ve been on in years, because it was with you. I wouldn’t change anything. Except maybe the guy in the bed. I’d make him better, so that you wouldn’t be hurting.”

“Yeah..- best date in years? All I’ve done is sleep.”

“And?”

Cristina smiled sadly at Preston in front of her,

“Okay. Perfect first date then.” She agreed

“You know, what would make it better though?”

“Hm?”

The air was cool and comfortable, but the fluorescent lights of the hospital, and staring into Teddy’s eyes as she turned to face her, made Cristina feel warm.

(Those lights had always been a bit overstimulating for her.)

When she leaned in to kiss her for the first time, the warm feeling was amplified to 11, like the volume dial on a guitar amp going up and up.

She didn’t care about the awkard half turn of her body, or how uncomfortable it was. She barely even noticed it, being too lost in the way Teddy reciprocated the kiss with as much fervor as her, and how it electrified her senses in a way that she’d always thought was bull crap written in cheesy novels and movies, for girls who were easy cash grab targets and suckers.

She’d have to send an apology to all the writers of those stories because now she knows they are definitely not crap.

Her first kiss with Teddy, was the best kiss she’d ever had. (And she’s almost certain it has nothing to do with her only ever kissing men before it.)

“Woah.” Teddy breathed heavily, when they pulled apart.

“Woah.”

Cristina’s face was flushed, her breathing equally as erratic as Teddy’s.

“That was unexpected.”

“Unexpected?”

Oh god she hated it. Oh god ohgodohgod-

“Oh-, no it was, god, Cristina.”

“It was okay?”

“Are you kidding? That was amazing. You’re amazing.”

Cristina’s face all the way to her ears heated up in embarrassment. She turned her head to the side.

The compliments were, well, unexpected.

She probably will never get used to her- god her girlfriend, complimenting her. It might always make her face burn and her metaphorical heart go haywire and her literal heart skip a beat. But she was okay with that.

“How did I get so lucky?” Teddy asked, to no one in particular. The sky maybe, or the trees outside, or the quiet air in the room.

Or maybe even the girl she was staring at, whom she hadn’t pulled her eyes away from once since she’d kissed her.

Cristina laid her head on her girlfriends chest. An answer to a question she had no real answer to. Perhaps it was a similar question, an equivalent thought of how did she get so lucky.

In a perfect world, Cristina would pull Teddy off the chair and dance with her, because dancing it out shouldn’t always have to be for dark times. She would allow herself to stim and get all of the excess energy she has out because the kiss and the nice things Teddy was saying overwhelmed her in a good way.

But there was a guy in a hospital bed in front of them, a guy she used to love, and she wonders if it would be disrespectful to be so happy, when he’s just lying there. Breathing through the help of a tube, hooked up to machines with wires.

His glasses weren’t even on. That might be weirder than how still his hands were.

“What’re you thinking about?”

“Dancing.”

“Dancing?”

“You think it would be disrespectful to dance it out when he’s lying there?”

“Could I have more context?”

“He needs a tube to breathe, and I don’t. I’m so happy that it’s overwhelming me, and I usually dance it out to get out all the excess nervous or whatever. I don’t have a tube, I’m not in a comatose state. This is his room, not mine.  Would it be disrespectful?”

“I don’t know him, but I don’t think he’d mind.”

“There’s no music.”

“I think I’ve got my iPod in my purse. Here,”

Teddy picked up her purse from the side of the chair and rummaged through it until she found what she was looking for.

A bright blue iPod Nano.

“Tada.” She smiled triumphantly, wiggling the mp3 player back and forth in her hand,

“What kind of music do you want?”

“What d’you have on there?”

“You wanna look through it? There’s all kinds of songs.”

Cristina lifted her head just enough to reach for the device, before curling back in to her girlfriend, and sifting through the eclectic music library with her right hand, which was half pinned underneath her, where she was lying on Teddy.

She arrowed down for a while, combing through various genre’s, and artists she didn’t expect Teddy to listen to.

She didn’t peg her for a Dropkick Murphy’s fan. Or an Indigo Girls fan. Now Fergie and Black Eyed Peas made sense.  She even had Madonna! Song after song of Madonna. If Cristina wasn’t already head over heels, that would do it for sure.

Once she landed on a song she liked, she got up, and pulled Teddy with her by her arm with her free hand.

The blonde let out a noise of surprise as she was dragged into a standing position.

Cristina set the iPod on the arm of the chair, turned up the volume, and pressed play.

She reached out for her girlfriend and the woman responded in kind, pulling the shorter girl into her so that they could sway.

Teddy recognized the song instantly. She’d downloaded it onto her iPod because it reminded her so much of Allison.

What day is it

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

I can't keep up, and I can't back down

I've been losing so much time

Back and forth they swayed to the melody. Cristina’s arms wrapped around Teddy’s middle not-quite-her-waist section, her head on Teddy’s chest. Teddy’s arms around her shoulders, her head resting on top of Cristina’s.

'Cause it's you and me

And all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me

And all of the people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

There was no fear of someone catching them, no worry about anybody finding out that there was something between them that went beyond in sync cardio duo. Not that Cristina’s worries on the subject weren’t disappearing as quick as they came.

It was just them, in the fluorescence of a hospital room that smelled like, well like a hospital. But there was a comforting familiarity in that smell.

Burke was there, of course, but it was just them. Lost in their own little world.

Teddy spun and twirled her girlfriend, and Cristina laughed fully as she was spun around the small open space in the room.

What are the things that I want to say

Just aren't coming out right?

I'm tripping on words

You got my head spinning

I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me

And all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

And it's you and me

And all of the people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

“Teddy?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for dancing with you. I’ll do it any time.”

“No- well that, and, for being here. For not leaving.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Burke wouldn’t dance with me unless i forced him, and Owen had bad music taste.”

Teddy’s laugh rumbled slowly up as it got bigger, then it was full and bright. She couldn’t help it, Owen did have bad taste in music. Well, it wasn’t bad, it was just old dad rock, and not the cool kind to anyone other than him and men in their 40’s who think everything but the old dad rock sucks.

(And nickleback, but nickelback doesn’t suck.)

“You’re funny. You’re a funny girl.”

“Where have I heard that before?”

“I mean it this time.”

There's something about you now

That I can't quite figure out

Everything she does is beautiful

Everything she does is right

'Cause it's you and me

And all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to lose

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why

“Well,”

I can't keep my eyes off of you and me

And all of the people with nothing to do

Nothing to prove

“Okay.” Cristina relented, unable to keep the smile off her face.

And it's you and me and all of the people

And I don't know why

I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?

And in what month?

This clock never seemed so alive

The song ended and went into the next one, something from some random genre, and Cristina extracted herself from their embrace to turn it off.

“Hey, c’mere.”

Cristina obliged, returning to where Teddy was still standing.

The blonde tucked a loose strand of hair behind her girlfriends ear.

“You’re so beautiful. Has anyone told you how beautiful you are?”

“I don’t know. Not really?”

“Well it’s true. Everything about you is beautiful.”

“Oh.”

“Your eyes, your hair, your- nose. Your brain and all of its cardio knowledge. I, think I could listen to you talk about cardio forever, and I know pretty much all of it already.”

“You would not let me talk your ear off about Cardiothoracics.”

“I would.”

“Careful what you wish for Altman.”

“All my wishes have come true so far.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?”

“That a hot brunette Cardio surgeon would date me.”

“I thought you were going to stop flirting.”

“Who said I was gonna stop? Y’know I don’t know if you know this, but you were doing this thing when you were sleeping, where you would burrow in closer. It was the cutest thing ever.”

“My favorite thing about you is your hands.”

Cristina was redirecting the focus onto Teddy, because she couldn’t handle more of her girlfriends compliments right now.

“They’re always so steady, they do amazing things in surgery. And… they’re safe, and secure. Did you know that you have a freckle on your medicinalis finger?”

“No, I guess I never noticed.”

The woman grabbed her girlfriends hands and laced their fingers together; Cristina lit up like a Christmas tree.

Teddy’s touch just seemed to always be.. right, like no one else’s, it didn’t tend to overwhelm her like other people did, unless she was already overwhelmed.

“Hey, since we’ll probably be here a while, I should go home real quick and get a change of clothes. Unless you’d rather be alone?”

“No. I want you here.”

“Okay. Do you need me to grab anything?”

“Actually, you know where the firehouse is, right? My apartment?”

“Yeah, I’ve been there before.”

“My keys are in my bag. I left it at your place, if you can’t find them call me- but, on my bed, there’s a weighted blanket. Could you bring that?”

“You got it. Need anything else?”

“I have a red Stanford hoodie, in my closet.”

“Cold?”

“No. I mean yeah it’s frickin’ freezing outside, but- the hoodie’s for you. Since I’m stealing yours and all.”

“Borrowing. Part time custody, remember?”

“Well you can part time custody my jacket.”

“Deal. Hey, are you gonna talk to Meredith? she hasn’t come by yet, so, I assume she’ll be around soon enough.”

“I don’t know what to say to her. I’ve been avoiding this because I don’t know how to tell her.”

“Doesn’t she already know?”

“Well yeah.. okay this is gonna sound ridiculous and lame, but, I guess I’m afraid of losing my best friend? I get that it sounds stupid, but she’s my sister. The good kind you don’t have to be related to, not that I have any siblings. I don’t know how to to exist without her, I don’t know what I’m gonna do if I lose her.”

“Maybe just, try talking to her. Even if you’re scared. She loves you, I’ve seen it. And if there’s any problems, I’ll kick her ass.”

Cristina chuckled,

“I don’t think that will be necessary, but thanks.”

As if she could sense they were talking about her, Meredith appeared in the doorway.

“Sorry, am I interrupting?”

“No, not at all.”

“Could I borrow Cristina?”

Cristina looked to Teddy for confirmation.

“Be my guest, I was just heading home for a bit. Maybe you could convince Callie to bring another chair in here?”

Cristina nodded in confirmation.

Teddy leaned in and whispered, “not that I wasn’t enjoying you in my lap.”

Which flustered the hell out of Cristina, but she couldn’t do anything other than follow Meredith out into the hall as Teddy gathered her stuff.

“Okay, let’s talk.” Mer started.

“Jeez, can we at least go somewhere not in the middle of the hallway?”

“Right. Supply closet. Come on.”

They walked until they found the first supply closet that locked.

“Alright. Go ahead.”

“You wanna tell me what’s been going on?” Meredith asked, gently.

“Okay. Look, I’m sorry I haven’t talked you, this has just all been a little confusing and difficult and I’m not the best with feelings.”

“I know.”

“Right- look. I’m not into men. I’m a lesbian.”

“Okay.”

“Men are stupid.”

“Couldn’t agree with you more.”

“And- I slept at Teddy’s last night.”

“No, really.”

Meredith gave her a ‘that was obvious’ look, sounding completely not shocked.

She’d heard Teddy on the phone this morning.

The whole phone to shirt thing doesn’t muffle calls like you think it does in movies.

That and Teddy was hot on her trail when they got here earlier and had admitted to bringing her. So. Yeah not so subtle, for Meredith anyway.

“Right, I guess you kind of figured that out. Um, well. I had a meltdown breakdown thing at her house last night. She was super nice about it so don’t get all defensive on my behalf.”

Meredith out her hands up in surrender,

“I wasn’t gonna.”

“Uh-but, we talked this morning, and, she’s kind of… my girlfriend, now.”

“WHAT. Cristina, that’s awesome! Oh my god. You know what, Teddy’s hot.”

“MER.” Cristina was mortified.

“What? I’m not saying I’m into her, I’m pretty sure I’m all about Derek and his penis. But I get it.”

“Oh god. Don’t ever say that again. I don’t want to hear about McDreamy’s McPenis.”

“Fine. I’m really happy for you, Cristina.”

A half smile formed on Cristina’s face.

“Thanks.”

“You know I love you no matter what, right? You’re my person.”

“I know.”

“Are we okay now?”

“We were never not okay? Look I’m sorry about the being distant crap but-“

“I meant the royal we. You said you had a meltdown last night.”

“Oh. Yeah. You know, the anti-fun.”

Meredith nodded in understanding,

“I’m glad Teddy was there.”

“I am mortified, Mer. Frickin MORTIFIED. She carried me to her bed.”

“Wha- she carried you?” Meredith was officially amused, and the look on her face wasn’t hiding it at all. Not that she was trying to.

In fact she was actively displaying her amusement like the show piece in the window of a toy store.

“Yeah! I had no idea until this morning.”

“Oh I am so going to need more details.”

“Not much to tell. I freaked her out, she comforted me because she’s, like, the most understanding person ever apparently, and I fell asleep on her, so she carried me to her bed.”

“I’m sure you didn’t freak her out. But I am gonna tease you about falling asleep on her, and getting carried to her bed.”

“Oh god please don’t. It wasn’t like that.”

Meredith laughed.

“So, you’re happy?”

A fond smile made its way onto Cristina’s face,

“I am.”

“Good. I like seeing you happy. Come here.”

Meredith wrapped Cristina up in a hug. She never had to ask anymore, not that she really ever asked before. She just decided one day that Cristina was her person and that hugging was going to happen..

“Oh yeah, and I kissed her.”

“CRISTINA. Why didn’t you lead with that?” Meredith smacked her arm.

“Ow!”

“When did that happen?”

“About ten minutes before you showed up to, apparently assault me.”

“So this just happened? Oh my god.”

Cristina gave a look, and Meredith smiled wide and unlocked the door to the closet, signaling that the serious conversation was over.

The irony that they were literally coming out of a closet was not lost on either of them.

“I better be the maid of honor at your wedding.”

“Oh trust me, you have my full permission to be my honor maiden and plan, organize and hell even officiate. Unless this thing goes south. Then we never speak of this.”

“You think it’s not gonna work out? Back in the closet, come on.”

Meredith began walking Cristina backwards into the supply closet.

Cristina couldn’t miss the opportunity,

“This is ironic.”

“Yeah yeah, I’m putting you back in a closet, you’re hilarious. Why don’t you think this is going to work out?”

Cristina sighed,

“I want it to. It’s just, Teddy didn’t sign up for all of this. If she thinks she’s seen bad she hasn’t. And-“

“You’re scared if she see’s bad she won’t know what to do or won’t like it and she’ll leave?”

“Yeah.”

“Can’t you talk to her about it? Get it all out there, prepare her, so that she can decide before you both get too emotionally invested in this and someone gets hurt.”

“Well- we kind of did. I don’t know why but it’s so easy to talk to her. I was- talking. About my childhood and.. my dad.”

“So then talk to her, tell her how you’re feeling about it and I’m sure everything will be fine. If it isn’t I’ll be here. But not talking is gonna hurt way more, believe me.”

“Damn it, I hate that you’re right. Fine. I’ll talk to her.”

“Good. Now back to the Wedding,”

Meredith opened the door again, and they stepped out.

“If You’re my maid of honor does that mean Owen’s gotta be the best man? “

“Is he still Teddy’s best friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Then probably.”

“crap.”

“Small sacrifice?”

“Whatever you say.”

“Hey by the way, nice sweatshirt.”

“Shut up!”

~~

The following day

Cristina was still hauled up in Burke’s room.

Teddy tried to convince her to at least get out and get some fresh air (After a failed attempt to entice her with a pacemaker replacement),

But Cristina was firm on staying. At least until his wife flew in. His kids were supposedly staying with grandparents, so, it would just be her.

Just her, and Mrs. Burke, in a room. With her unconscious husband who used to be Cristina’s fiancé.

She knew she wasn’t responsible. Really, she did.

As much as she kept saying it was her fault she knew she wasn’t his surgeon. She didn’t operate on him she didn’t hold a single scalpel to him.

But. His wife might not see it that way.

His ex convincing him to come to her city to have surgery at the hospital she works at, and he ends up in a coma?

Not the best look in the eyes of a wife.

At least, that’s what she assumes from what she’s observed working at the hospital, and people watching her whole life.

But she wouldn’t really know until the woman gets there, because she doesn’t know her; hasn’t actually met her.

So she’s stuck in her minds idea of what could happen. And she’s preparing for the worst.

Teddy had her Pacemaker surgery in a couple of hours, so she was gone, but she planned to stop by right beforehand.

She hated being away from Cristina right now, but she knew they couldn’t be together 24/7.

Not only was that impossible because of what they do for work,  but it wasn’t healthy, for any relationship, to smother each other.

She still hated it. And she hated even more that Cristina was probably just sitting there. Staring at Burke’s unconscious body.

(She was. Teddy was absolutely right.)

The thought ate away at her as she stood at the nurses station, and then again as she walked down one of the halls, holding a chocolate pudding cup and a spoon that she planned to bring her girlfriend.

She hadn’t eaten since the day before yesterday.

(At least Teddy assumed she’d eaten, but she’d only seen her a few times to meet with patients, and then in surgery, so really she has no idea if she ate or anything.)

All Cristina had had yesterday morning was coffee, and then wouldn’t even entertain the idea of food after they got here.

Which, given how much of a point she’d made that she would totally die of starvation if they didn’t get lunch yesterday, was concerning.

As surgeons they had to pack meals anywhere they could in their schedules. It wasn’t abnormal to go prolonged periods of time without eating.

What was abnormal, was an outright refusal of food for a prolonged period of time.

Teddy got lost in thought about that as she was making her way back to Burkes room.

Meredith came out of nowhere.

“Altman.” She half whispered, half sharply.

(I’m half serious, I half crack myself up.)

“Meredith. What can I do for you?”

“I heard you carried Cristina to bed.”

For all Meredith’s efforts, she put on a faux mildly uninterested look, but she couldn’t contain the amused, teasing smile that was slipping through her resolve.

“I heard she told you. You’re cool with this, right?”

“That depends,”

Now Meredith put on the voice of an 80’s tv dad measuring up if a boy was good enough for his daughter, that also sounded a bit like a bad impression of a mafia boss, and an older lady who’d clearly smoked quite a bit in her lifetime,

“What are your intentions with my daughter?” The daughter sounded like ‘dauwter’. Again mafia boss meets old smoker.

Teddy let out a short, breathy laugh in exclamation,

“Excuse me?”

Meredith gave up the weird impression pretty fast.

“I don’t know. I was trying something.”

“Well okay then.”

“Okay here’s the deal. Cristina’s not like other people.”

“I know. Do you know she’s- I mean, she told me.”

“That she’s autistic? Yeah she told me years ago- that’s not what I mean. If you hurt her she may never be able to trust someone like that again. I’m not saying if it doesn’t work out you have to pretend or anything, but, you do have to at least be gentle and try to make it as painless as possible.”

“You think it’s not going to work out?” Teddy didn’t know if she should feel mildly offended.

“The way she talked about you? I don’t see that being an issue. I do want to believe it’s going to. Me and Derek worked out, and now he’s the love of my life. But- still. Do you understand me? I don’t wanna have to hate you by proxy.

But Cristina is my people so if you hurt her and she doesn’t forgive you, I’m with her one hundred percent.”

“I don’t plan on hurting her. I know she’s been through a lot. I wish I could take away her pain but I can’t. I don’t want to cause her anymore pain. She doesn’t deserve it.”

“Good. I’ve grown to like you. I really don’t want to have to dislike you.”

“You have nothing to worry about Meredith.”

“Good.”

There was a second of silence before Meredith side eyed Teddy mischievously,

“You’re going to Bruke’s room right now aren’t you?” She had a smug look on her face.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be Grey.”

Teddy couldn’t possibly sound annoyed enough with the smile tugging at her lips.

“Nope. I’m just waiting for Derek. I’ve got plenty of free time.”

“Well I’m going into surgery soon so maybe you could come try to embarrass me later and let me go check on my girl.”

“Your girl hmm?” Meredith raised her eyebrows teasingly.

“Don’t tell anyone I said that.”

“Whatever you say.” Meredith sing-songed as she moved to leave.

“Grey I’m serious!” Teddy called out, “Grey?”

Meredith, without looking back, waved her hand at her in a dismissive motion.

She was having too much fun with this. Maybe she’d give Teddy the shovel talk for real next time, just for kicks.

“Hey.” Teddy said, as she walked into room 2504,

“Any change?” She asked, instead of asking how he was doing.

It worked better because it was phrased more  in line with hospital jargon. It made it easier to get Cristina talking when it was worded in a familiar feeling fashion.

Otherwise the woman would keep up the silence, and Teddy wasn’t loving dead silent Cristina in a near dead silent room. It was scaring her.

This felt like it was more than her girlfriend just preferring not to talk, she was prepared for that. This felt different than that, and she could be wrong but either way she was beyond worried.

“Uh- no.”

“How are you holding up?”

“What are you doing here, don’t you have a surgery?”

Cristina was deflecting. It wasn’t malicious in its tone.

Her eyes were still glued to the hospital bed in front of her and she was deflecting.

Deflecting deflecting deflecting.

She’d done that pretty much every time Teddy came in today to check on her. Without fail, Teddy would ask how she was, and she would deflect.

It didn’t deter Teddy from continuing to ask every time though.

“In an hour. I told you earlier I was coming by to see you before I went in. I brought you some pudding.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“It’s chocolate.”

Cristina paused.

“Give me the pudding.” She suddenly commanded, giving in.

Teddy happily obliged and handed it and the spoon over. It felt like a small victory.

She tried to offer her half of a cafeteria muffin this morning, which she declined, and then a snack from the vending machine that she’s seen Cristina eat many times, which she also declined. And then she’d sent Callie in to try and convince her to eat something, because she couldn’t find Meredith, which just ended in Callie giving up strangely quickly, and telling her there was nothing she could do.

An extra chair was dragged in last night. Teddy knew Cristina would be staying, and she’d asked Teddy to stay with her, so of course the blonde was going to stay.

No one said anything about them being there past visiting hours. Not even the nurse who hates Cristina said anything about it.

(She almost felt sympathy for Cristina. But you NEVER heard that. Seriously, the other nurses can’t know.)

Teddy wouldn’t be able to sleep if she had to go home anyway. She’d be up worrying about the girl she’d left at the hospital.

So she slept here. On a hard chair.

And it didn’t matter that it was uncomfortable, because Cristina leaned on her and curled into her right side as best as she could with the two tightly pressed together chair arms between them as she watched Burke.

And it was nice. For what it was, it was everything.

“You know you should really go home and get some rest. I can keep an eye on him for you while I’m on shift.”

“I’m not going anywhere until his wife gets here. And you have a surgery. Besides, my car is still at the bar, remember?”

“Right. We’re going to have to get that at some point,” Teddy chuckled softly, “Do you need anything? Aside from your car.”

“I need him to be okay. It sucks growing up without a dad. I know I have a step-dad, and I love him. But it’s not the same.”

Teddy nodded in understanding. Cristina’s hands trembled, the spoon and pudding in her hands shaking ever so slightly.

“Honey you’re shaking. Are you cold? Here you can take my, or- I guess your, jacket.”

Teddy had left the red Stanford zip-up on her chair before she left this morning.

“No, I’m fine. Thanks- honey?”

“Just trying something out, how about thumbs up for yes, down for no on the pet names.”

Cristina gave her a sideways thumb in response, her spoon tilting with it and sticking out to the side, her pudding in her other hand.

“Okay what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been called honey before. I’m indifferent.”

“Well that’s why we’re doing this, so that we can try out different ones and decide what you want me to use. We can do it for me too, ooh, that could be fun, right?”

“Whatever, weirdo.” Cristina half smiled without looking up from Burke’s bed.

Teddy smiled back, thankful for being able to break Cristina’s resolve for even a second, and held up a thumbs up in front of her so she’d see it.

Cristina pushed it away playfully.

“So.. did you get any sleep?”

Cristina hadn’t slept at all last night. As Teddy found out when she woke up this morning and Cristina was already up, her knees drawn to her chest.

It made a little bit of sense that she might be up early. She had gotten a pretty solid nap the afternoon before.

But when it came up that she hadn’t slept at all during the night, it raised some concern.

Cristina had reached over without looking and Grabbed for her hand that morning.

When she pulled it into her lap and gave it a squeeze, it had eased Teddy some.

But now, after everything, she was back on the subject; back to being the concerned girlfriend.

The mood instantly shifted back to how it was before. Cristina reverted to her cube of concrete that was holding her in place. Her wall that protected her and distanced her from the problems she couldn’t escape.

She wasn’t removing herself from the situation, like she’d done when Meredith technically died from drowning and then came back to life, so that was something.

(Something Teddy didn’t know about. Yet.)

But she wasn’t letting herself step away for even a second, wether that be in sleep or physically stepping away, which might be worse.

“I’m not tired.”

“Cristina. You told me yesterday that you’re always tired. That you can’t get enough sleep.”

“Well I’m not tired right now, okay? Can we drop this?”

“I’m just worried about you. As a doctor and as a girlfriend.  It’s not healthy to not get sleep. I know as surgeons we can go full days without it, but that doesn’t mean we’re supposed to. The body needs sleep to function, and regulate.”

“I’m fine!”

“You’re shaking!”

“No I’m not I’m-“

Cristina looked down and it finally registered that her hands were trembling.

When had that happened?

“Fine. I’m fine. That’s nothing it’s-“

“Please let me do something to help. I’m here for you. I’m here to help,”

“STOP TRYING TO FIX ME!”

Oh my god. No nonono.

Her eyes widened.

Cristina took a sharp breath in, her hand flying over her mouth.

She didn’t want to yell. She didn’t have the energy to yell and she hated yelling from anyone on a good day.

She also didn’t want to cry. But she couldn’t stop her eyes from welling up.

She paused. Steeling herself.

Taking a breath,

“If I close my eyes, and something happens, I won’t forgive myself. If I close my eyes and he- dies.”

“I won’t let that happen. Hey, I won’t let him die.”

“You can’t control that.”

“Okay, you’re right. I can’t. I can do everything possible to try though. But none of that matters if you’re hurting yourself by- not eating and, forcing yourself to stay awake.

You don’t have to get out of the room, or hell even look out the window for a change of scenery. But please, try to get some sleep.”

Teddy knew that not sleeping, especially coupled with not eating, could make people irritable, so she tried her best not to get upset or be hurt by this.

She was having a hard time, and it wasn’t about Teddy. The yelling and everything had nothing to do with her.

And if she had to take it out on somebody, at least her girlfriend felt safe enough for that person to be her.

There was a silence.  Not even the sound of the heart monitor was loud enough to break through it.

“I yelled. I’m sorry. you’re trying to help.”

“It’s okay. I can’t possibly know what you’re going through or, how you’re feeling.”

“God. You’re so nice.”

“What?”

“You’re always so nice to me. Honestly I don’t think I deserve it. Especially not right now, when I’m being a raging bitch.”

Teddy reached over and pulled her in by her shoulder,

“Trust me, you deserve it.”

She smoothed the flyaways of her girlfriends hair back from her face, where they had fallen out of her hair-tie, and kissed her temple.

Cristina sighed, leaning into it.

“I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Why not?”

“Because. I always stay away because I can’t handle seeing people I care about hooked up to machines, not knowing if they’re gonna make it.”

Teddy squeezed her shoulder.

There was a beat of silence.

“I’ll try. To get some sleep, I’ll try.”

“Thank you.”

“But no promises.”

“As long as you try, that’s good enough for me.”

Cristina turned her attention back to Burke.

They sat for a moment before she sighed and set down her pudding cup, not taking her eyes away from the bed,

“Hey, can I talk to you about something?”

“Anything.”

“What happened, the other night? The meltdown? That’s not even as bad as it can get. It’s stupid because you’d think with such a high stress job I wouldn’t be- taken out by a pretty girl and sensory overload.”

“Pretty huh?” Teddy smiled mischievously.

“I’m trying to be serious here.”

“Sorry. Continue.”

“I don’t know why any of it is how it is. But- I need you to know what you’re dealing with here so that you can decide if you want that in your life. Work is already crazy, this is just another thing.”

“Cristina, I already told you, I’m all in. Nothing you or anyone else could say would make me change my mind. That stuff’s not an issue for me. I’ll do what I can, and whatever we need to figure out, we’ll do it together.

And if you’re worried or you need reassurance, we can talk about it as much as you want. It’s not an inconvenience, or something I wouldn’t want in my life, because it’s you. It’s a part of you and I want you in my life.”

“Alright.”

“Did you think I had an issue with what happened the other night?” Teddy asks.

Not in a way that lets on to any particular feeling about it one way or the other, but there was just enough of a tone that Cristina could sense the concern.

And she didn’t blame her.

It’s happened before where someone she cares about has changed how they see her after they learn about her meltdowns, shutdowns, and among other things her sensory issues that often trigger those things. So there’s always a what if in her mind.

In the corner, waiting for the moment it happens again, so that it can jump out with an ‘I told you so’, and a neat little box of ‘never open up to anyone else ever again’ that costs 19.95 plus shipping and handling and her sense of trust and safety.

“I’m just scared.”

And she’d never admit that to anyone other than Mer or Alex.

But still, Teddy wasn’t anyone.

She was proving that every minute they were around each other.

“Scared?”

“Mer and Alex. They didn’t leave me when they found out I’m autistic. My other friends didn’t either, but, George died, like a jerk, and Izzie got cancer and left Alex, so she’s technically gone even though that has nothing to do with me and she’s not dead.

I could call her but I don’t because as much of an annoying little brother as he is Alex is here, so I’m with him, one hundred percent. I have to be because he stayed, and she didn’t. Because we’re family.

I can’t control when or why my meltdowns happen, so sometimes they happen in front of people. With my people it’s okay, they haven’t left me and they won’t. I have sensory issues. I get overstimulated and sometimes I snap at people but they have never-.. I can trust my people.

I’m scared that the meltdowns and the shutdowns and all of the- other stuff, is not what you signed up for, and you’ll leave because it’s too much to deal with. Which I’d totally understand. It sucks, total fun-suckers. I’m just… scared.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“It’s okay to be scared. I’m sure there’s a lot of people who would think this is too much and want an out. I don’t want the out. You can keep trying to give it to me but it’s not going to change how I feel or how I see you.”

“Right. Of course, I already knew that. It’s not that I want you to take an out, Meredith said-“

“Meredith? You went to Meredith about this, before coming to me? You were that worried I was gonna leave you? Why didn’t you talk to me first?”

“It came up on accident. And it wasn’t because I didn’t want to come to you first. Mer-, she’s the one who tells me if I should talk about something for real, or if I’m being ridiculous and overthinking it. She’s like my neurotypical GPS.

So yes I talked to her first, but it has nothing to do with you.  I Don’t want to mess this up and I’m worried that I already am.”

Teddy took in all the information. The silence hung for just a moment too long for Cristina, and she jumped to the conclusion that she’d said or done something wrong.

It was an agonizing seventeen seconds.

“You’re not messing anything up.”

Teddy reached for Cristina’s hand,

“It’s been a crappy couple of days, the timing sucks sure,  but it’s also had some of my favorite moments, because I got a hot as hell badass of a girlfriend. And she’s trying to share things and communicate and that’s all I could ask for.”

“How are you so understanding?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think I’m any more or less understanding than other people.”

“You are.”

“Well, thank you, for saying that. I will choose to believe you.”

Teddy flashed a reassuring smile at Cristina, which quelled her worries some.

“I’ve gotta go. I’ll be back later, with some real food.”

“Okay.”

Teddy squeezed her shoulder and stood. She didn’t make it far before she felt a hand in her own.

Cristina looked up at her, and Teddy lifted her outstretched arm, kissing the back of her girlfriends hand; resting it on her nose for a moment.

She gave her a bittersweet smile, and released their joined hands.

Cristina curled back into the chair with her blanket, as she was left alone in the private room once again.

“Cristina who has to practice, talking like a human being.”

~~

“Excuse me, I’m looking for a patient? Preston Burke?”

“Are you looking to visit with Mr. Burke?”

“Dr., Burke; and yes. I’m his wife.”

“Alright, looks like he’s in room, 2504. Take the elevator to floor 3, left hallway, then turn left again, fifth door on your right.”

“Thank you.”

Mrs. Burke pushed off the front desk she was leaning on and turned to find the elevators.

“Hey, excuse me. Did you say Preston Burke? As in Cardio surgeon Burke? Tall guy, dark hair, rectangle-like glasses?”

“Yes, I’m sorry, can I help you?”

“Oh- uh, Dr. Alex Karev. We, used to work together. Me and Burke. I was an intern when he was an attending here.”

“Oh! Okay. Do you by chance know where I can find room 2504? They gave me directions, but I’ve never been here and I’m damn sure I’ll get turned around long before I find it.”

“Yeah, of course. Elevators are this way. So, what’s Burke in for?”

“A laminectomy.”

“Oh dude.” Alex gave the woman a look of concern.

“I know I don’t sound as worried as I should be,”

The elevator doors opened, and the pair stepped inside.

“Understatement of the century.”

“but after the stories I’ve heard and my husband basically preparing me for the most bizarre unexpected medical situations, I calmed myself down on the plane ride over here.”

“Wait calm yourself- what do you mean calm yourself down? Did something happen?”

“That’s exactly what I was trying to keep calm about.”

“I’m sorry I don’t mean to freak you out it’s just- I didn’t even know he was here until two minutes ago and you’re telling me something’s wrong?”

“A woman called me. A Meredith something. Said she didn’t want to freak me out, over the phone, but that I needed to get down here right away.”

“Of course Grey knows about this, I assume Shepherd and Yang do too?” Alex asked, mostly to himself.

“Cristina Yang?”

“Yeah, you know her?”

“I’ve never met her. But she gave Preston the final push he needed to get this surgery.”

Mrs. Burke’s eyes widened, and her voice lowered, with the hint of a sneer in her tone,

“And look where it got him.”

“Hey woah, this is not Yangs fault.”

“Oh! no no, I wasn’t implying anything against Cristina. I don’t even know her, how could I place blame. Besides, things happen in surgery. I hate this as much as the next woman, but there’s nothing anybody could’ve done to change what’s happening to my husband.

That’s what I always tell him when he comes home after a surgery that goes south, that he couldn’t have changed the outcome, and tomorrow he can save a dozen other lives.”

The elevator doors open, and Alex and Mrs.Burke step out onto the third floor.

—

“Dr. Altman, I know it’s totally unprofessional to give in to work gossip, but, I heard a rumor that Cristina- Dr. Yang, isn’t on your service because she’s, well, getting back together with her ex who’s here for that laminectomy? I-, I for one, think it’s completely bogus hearsay nonsense. But I am grateful, to have gotten to scrub in with you, whatever the reason is.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Some of the uh- the nurses? I overheard them in the Neuro wing.”

“Those nurses don’t know how to how to mind their own business.”

“So it’s true?”

Crickets. The moment would be more complete with actual Crickets making their signature noise.

Aside from the sounds of the machines, and the movement of medical tools, everyone in the room was absolutely silent.

“So it’s not?”

“I’m trying to operate here, Grey.”

“Right, I’m sorry. It’s just that- I’ve heard stories, from my sister, and it doesn’t sound like she would ever want to get back together with him. And I don’t blame her. Not that I know him personally or anything, but-“

“Dr. GREY.”

“Sorry. Sorry.”

“…for the record, Dr.Burke has a wife. And children.”

“He’s married?!”

“Yes. She should be here any time now and then after that maybe one of you, can convince Cristina to go home.”

“Why does she need to go home?”

“Do you always ask this many questions?”

“You don’t learn if you don’t ask.”

Teddy glanced up at the youngest Grey.

Then back to the man on the operating table.

She had a point.

“She needs to go home because she’s sleep deprived and dehydrated and on top of that she’s a stubborn ass who won’t eat.”

“Oh! Well, did you try pudding? Chocolate pudding not tapioca, or vanilla! Cristina hates Vanilla and she really hates tapioca.”

“I did. Chocolate. It was gone in two minutes.”

“Okay, well, that’s good. Personally for me it would be blueberry pop tarts or, those chocolate chip protein bars, but hey, not everybody’s safe foods are the same.”

(After surgery Teddy looked up ‘safe foods’ on the internet, and immediately scouted out one of the interns and made them go to her apartment to put dozens of pudding cups in her fridge. Y’know, as any practical person would do.)

“Alright Grey. This man, officially has a Pacemaker.”

“Yay!” Lexie nearly squealed.

~~

The door to Burke’s room suddenly swung open.

Cristina jumped in surprise, almost knocking herself off her chair.

“Yang, why the hell didn’t you tell me Burke was here?!”

“Oh god- Preston.” Mrs. Burke held her hand to her chest as she got closer to his bedside on the left, closest side to the door.

“I- uh-“

“Does everyone else know? Y’know just because I’m doing peds now doesn’t mean I don’t want to be a part of things! I tell you stuff! We’re family Yang! You’re my family! You’re supposed to-“

Cristina had decided a long time ago, that it looked and felt ridiculous to cover her ears.

When people would yell it sent a tense jolt of discomfort through her, and she felt like rattling train tracks, one shake away from a bolt coming loose and the train falling into the ravine beneath it.

(because in movies they always cross a bridge over a ravine. It’s the one cliché about trains you could count on.)

But Alex just wouldn’t stop. And the train was already steam rolling for that bridge.

It had been rolling long before he showed up, so it wasn’t his fault. He just happened to be the loose bolt, or the bridge.

Cristina hadn’t decided which one worked better for the analogy.

Anyway, the point was, she couldn’t bother with looking, or feeling stupid for covering her ears.

She slid her hands over her earlobes and applied pressure. It wasn’t perfect, in fact it didn’t feel satisfying enough to totally quell the feeling. But it was something.

It was something. And she could breathe a little easier and focus a little bit more.

“Yang? Are you even listening to me? I swear to god-“

“Please get out.”

“What? We’re not leaving-“

“No, not we. You.”

In hindsight, he should’ve seen the signs of overwhelm by now. He knew. God they’d been friends long enough, he knew. But he was too wrapped up in being upset that no one told him about Burke to notice right then.

“Yang what’s the problem, I- jesus, what happened to Burke?”

Alex moved to the right side of the bed to get a closer look at his face. The tube in his mouth shouldn’t bother him, he’s seen plenty of people get intubated. But hell, he hadn’t seen Burke in ages.

“Yang, what happened to him? Cristina!”

She wouldn’t leave until his wife got here.

Now she was here.

It’s like she’s been stuck, in this room, mentally, physically, and she couldn’t cross the threshold of the door frame.

Even though she was here and Cristina didn’t have to stay anymore.

Now that Alex was yelling at her, and Burke’s wife was looking at him like that with eyes and a face that said she was trying to keep it together, but was clearly going to lose her resolve any minute, (because her husband was just lying there and he couldn’t talk or move and the last time she saw him and Cristina saw him he was talking and moving)

Now that everything that was messed up about all of this was swarming inside her head, she couldn’t move again.

She wanted Alex to leave. Alex.

“I DIDN’T DO THIS.”

But he was still standing there.

His expression dropped, and that hint of remorse his face got when he realizes he fucked up appeared.

“I-.. I know that. Look I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on, okay?”

“ASK HIS DOCTORS. I am not his doctor!”

Alex reached his hand out towards her shoulder,

“Cristina I’m-“

She moved away before it made contact.

“I gotta go.” She said, frustratedly.

She couldn’t leave. She couldn’t. And yet..

The glue unstuck.

She had to find Teddy or Meredith or someone whose voice was, at the moment, a less grating tone, and who didn’t look like the woman who’s husband she probably killed.

She felt ridiculous, and she thought she probably looked like a maniac when she forcefully sprang up from the chair, it sliding backwards, the sound of its legs scraping the floor echoing in the confined space.

“Is she okay?” Mrs. Burke, Angie, asked, through a wobbling voice.

“In the head? No. Emotionally?… no. I don’t think so.”

Alex sighed.

He was well aware of their history. But they hadn’t been a thing for years at this point. It made no sense to him that she’d even care.

But it also kind of did.

I mean, it was obvious that Cristina would never in a million years go back to Burke, but, if it was Izzie?

As much as he’d pretend he wanted nothing to do with her being here, he’d probably sneak in for a couple of hours and talk to her. Because it’s Iz.

(If only he would realize that it wasn’t the same at all, because Cristina really wouldn’t go back to Burke.)

“Hey, don’t repeat what I said, about the not being okay in the head stuff. Only I can say that, and even I shouldn’t say it. It’s not cool.”

Mrs. Burke sniffled,

“What do you mean?”

“Look this is probably a lot, and I just yelled at her. I’m an ass. But she expects me to be an ass. Look it’s not cool what I said so, don’t repeat it, please.”

“I won’t. Scouts honor.”

“You were a scout?”

“Only girl in my troop. My dad was the troop master.”

“Wow.”

“He looks… relaxed. And his hands, his hands are always cooking, or playing music. How is he supposed to play his trumpet if his hands aren’t moving?”

“I’m sure his doctors are doing everything they can. He’s stable, so we’ll just have to wait and see if something changes.”

“Burke says this place is like family. I’m sure they’ll do their best.”

“If there’s anything I can do, just say the word.”

“Thank you.”

Alex nodded, his eyes flitting back to Burke.

~~

“So, wanna sit together? Oh! I can tell you all about the little boy who’s getting the heart.”

“Sorry, Can’t. I’m bringing this to Yang, and then I gotta go home.”

“I heard. About Dr. Burke. It’s very sad.”

“Well, he’s stable, and his wife should be here any time. If she’s not already.”

“You know Callie was telling me that they almost got married once. Him and Cristina? He left the church and Meredith cut her out of her dress. It was a whole thing.

I guess she was having doubts before it even started though because Callie, and Dr. Izzie Stevens, watched Meredith tell Cristina to basically get her ass out there and Marry him. It’s kind of crazy isn’t it?”

“I didn’t know that…” Teddy trailed off quietly.

“Do you think it’s gonna be awkward? His wife and his ex-fiancé in the same room?”

“I have no idea. I don’t know his wife, or him.”

“Neither do I! Oh by the way, have you seen Karev? It’s so weird, I’ve been trying to page him, but he’s not responding.”

“I’ll, keep an eye out for him. I have to go, but, we’ll talk about our patient tomorrow, sound good?”

“You got a deal lady.”

Arizona smiled wide at her as she watched Teddy exit the cafeteria, Saran wrapped sandwich and a bottle of water in hand.

The stroll to Burkes room was sort of nice, and calm, considering everything.

Teddy had gotten back into the swing of things  pretty quickly, and aside from wondering how Cristina was holding up half the day, work had been much of the usual.

She’d just rounded the corner, walking towards the open door to see her girlfriend and-

“Where’s Cristina?”

“Uh- Yang left, about 10 minutes ago. I think I upset her. Hey, is she working today? Because she shouldn’t. She wasn’t in scrubs but I wasn’t sure.”

“Karev, what did you do?”

“I thought-, no one told me Burke was here. Someone should’ve told me. I yelled at her. It wasn’t cool, I know. I feel awful about it.”

“You YELLED at her?”

“I wasn’t thinking I-“

“Clearly you weren’t!”

“Well yelling at me isn’t going to fix it! Listen, she was probably looking for Meredith, so let’s both calm down and go find Mer.”

“Fine.”

“You know, she’s like a sister to me,” Alex said as the two left the room,

“We’re family, we tell each other stuff. They didn’t tell me Burke was here or that he was gettin’ surgery. I’m just a little annoyed about it. I didn’t mean to yell at her. I know she hates that. She probably hates me.”

“She doesn’t hate you.”

“Oh yeah? How would you know.”

“Because she thinks really highly of you. She said you’re like her mopey brother, but also one of the first people she’d call if something happened, because she could trust you, and because she loves you. But she did say not to tell you that so, let’s keep it between us.”

“She said that?”

“She did. Hey, you wanna be let in on something she hasn’t told anyone but Meredith?”

“Yeah. Will she kill you for telling me?”

“We’re dating.”

“What? You and Yang?”

“Mhm.”

“Dude! Awesome. And I know before Shepherd? And Hunt?”

“Yep.”

“Nice.”

Teddy rolled her eyes light heartedly.

“Wow, so Yang’s really a lesbian.”

“Excuse me?”

“Oh no, I don’t mean-, I overheard her breaking up with Hunt. I didn’t ask her about it cause it was none of my business. Figured she’d tell me if she wants to.”

“Um, hello, didn’t you just yell at her for not telling you about Dr. Burke?”

“That’s different. We all knew Burke, he wasn’t just Cristina’s. He was a colleague, and sometimes a friend. This is just Cristina’s. Besides, I’m an ass, but I’m not the kind of ass who would get angry at one of my best friends for not comin’ out to me. I have no right.”

“That’s oddly endearing of you Karev.”

“Hey I can be nice.”

—

8 months later..

“This is nurse…. There’s- there’s a lot of blood in the elevator. There’s no body but there is an ID tag that belongs to a Dr. Alex Karev. PLEASE SEND HELP IMMEDIATELY.”

~~~

“Woah, Grey, you can’t go out there!”

“My husband, is being targeted by a man who’s trying to find someone to blame for his wife’s death! I can’t just sit here and let him get shot! Your world is here and safe, mine isn’t. Not all of it anyway. So help me move that shelf and let me out of here so that I can find my husband!”

“Mer it’s not a good idea.”

“Why, because of the shooter? You don’t think I know that? There’s a risk to everything all the time. I’m willing to risk it for Derek’s sake. And those nurse whores he’s protecting!”

“Nurse who- what? No not that. I mean because you’re pregnant.”

“What- I-“

“Meredith. You’ve been holding back your puke the whole time we’ve been in here. And you’re not a barfer unless there’s lots of alcohol involved. And even then it’s sixty-forty.”

Cristina studied her face,

“Look I don’t know if you want to keep it, and that’s your choice to make but the life threatening situation we’re in shouldn’t make it for you. The stress alone is dangerous.”

“I do want to keep it. But so what? I’m still going.”

“Fine. If you’re going I’m going too.”

“No- Cristina. I’m not letting you out of my sight until all of this is over.”

“You’re not coming. It’s way more dangerous if we both go. I’ll find Derek, and try to come back if I can.”

“I’m not letting you go out there alone!”

“I am not sending the love of my life out into a dangerous probably hostile situation! Do you know how many people I’ve watched die from gunshot wounds? No, no way. I’m sorry Cris, but I can’t lose you.”

“But Mer-“

“I can’t stop her. I don’t advise she risk her life like that but it’s not my choice. Cris, please. I lost Allison to an attack on a building that had nothing to do with her, now there’s a shooter, in this one, and I can’t- won’t, lose you too. Please, babe,”

Teddy was crying now,

“Please don’t go. Please, please don’t leave me I-“

“Okay, okay. Hey, I’ll stay, alright? I won’t go anywhere. Mer if you have to go then go but please, be careful. If you hear any commotion, you get out of there. Okay? Run the other way. Don’t chase the danger, you have been in too many life threatening situations and almost died too many times. Please you can’t die.”

“I promise not to die.”

“And?”

“I won’t follow the danger. Can I go now?”

“Fine. But you better not die or I won’t be able to- y’know?”

Meredith gave her a sharp nod.

“Altman? Keep her safe.”  Meredith whispered as her and Teddy worked to move the shelf in front of the door just enough that she could get out and silently make her way into the hall.

Cristina stayed in the corner, unable to bear watching her person go out into the hospital when it wasn’t safe.

Once she was out Cristina rushed to Teddy’s side to barricade the door once more.

“I won’t forgive her if she dies.” Cristina muttered.

“Cris-”

“She promised to be my maid of honor.”

“So..you’ll marry me?”

“Uh, yeah, obviously.”

“What do you mean ‘uh yeah obviously’?”

“Of course I’m gonna marry you. You get me, you listen and- it’s like you know what I need before even I do sometimes. I can’t imagine marrying anybody else.”

“I’m glad you don’t imagine marrying someone else??”

“You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do.” Teddy smiled fondly, despite their situation.

It was like it was just them again, like for a brief moment, they weren’t fearing for their lives in a supply closet.

Which, is utterly ridiculous in a hysterical way.

“So,“ Teddy started, “You think you’ll wanna keep lasts names? Or, take one? Or maybe do a combo? Yang-Altman, or-, Altman-Yang. That way sounds better. And I’m not saying that cause mine’s first.”

“I like that. Altman-Yang. It’s got a ring.”

“It does.”

“Hey speaking of rings..”

“I know you have a history with not being comfortable wearing rings, so, we don’t have to have those if you don’t want to. I mean, I would like to, but, I’m okay with not doing it if it’s not something you’re comfortable with.”

“Actually I was going to say what kind were you thinking.”

“Oh. I thought because with Burke-“

“You’re not Burke. And, I’m not some

intern/second year resident who’s afraid of people seeing me as the wife of an attending and only seeing that. I was so focused on making a name and a place for myself back then. I wasn’t really being me back then.”

Cristina shifted on her feet,

“Teddy-, I want to have a ring. If it’s a you ring I want it and I want to wear it all day everyday. Except in surgery, you know, when I can’t. You get what I mean, right?”

“I always get what you mean. I’m so happy to hear that you want rings. It would really be okay if you didn’t though.”

“I know. I want a ring. But, nothing flashy. If I’m gonna have one it has to be more meaningful than ‘look at this rock I’m carrying around’.”

“You want plain bands? No stones?”

“Maybe.. maybe flowers? Like an engraving? We could do Forget Me Nots, or, Lamprocapnos spectabilis, the bleeding heart flower. Because-“

“Because we’re heart surgeons?”

“Yeah.” Cristina was unexpectedly bashful.

She hadn’t realized how almost corny and on the nose it sounded. Or that Teddy might think it’s a stupid idea.

“I love that. And they’ll be unique, without being too flashy. How long have you been thinking about that?”

“.. longer than I’d care to divulge at this time. Maybe I’ll tell you later.”

Teddy came closer to her girlfriend-, fiancé, and wrapped her arms around her.

“I love you Cristina Yang.” She said.

“I love you Theodora Altman-Yang.”

“You did not just Theodora me Cristina.”

“I love your full name. Especially the Altman-Yang part.”

“We’re not married yet, goof.”

“So? It’s not legal anyway. The rules don’t apply to us. I can call you whatever I want. It’s not like I can sign something to make it official official. Which, sucks, by the way.”

“The second it becomes legal, we’ll go down to the courthouse and make it more official. I promise.”

“I guess we can still go and change our last names. That’s not illegal.”

“We can. Let’s do it.”

“As long as you don’t change Theodora, it’s my favorite.”

Teddy rolled her eyes fondly,

“Fine.”

Cristina buried her face in the crook of Teddy’s neck.

“…Teddy?”

“Yes, my love?”

“I want to marry you.”

“I want to marry you too. What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to die- god, I want to marry you.”

“You will. Hey, we are not going to die. I told you, you’re too important to me to die, okay? I will not let that man come near you.”

“Okay. But Teddy?”

“Hm?”

“Don’t be a hero. Not for me. If something happens, I need you safe.”

“And I need you safe. I’ll do anything it takes to keep you safe.”

“Seriously, I can’t lose you, please. For the first time in my life since my dad, I feel like.. I’m home. You and Meredith are my home. And I already let her go out there like an idiot. I don’t feel like I’ll survive if I lose you. I might- live.., but a part of me will be gone.”

“Who should we invite? Are we doing bridesmaids? Or brides-, men? Is there a word for that?” Teddy asked.

“Teddy-“

“I know. But let’s forget about that for a minute. Nobody is hurt, nobody is gone. Who should we have at our wedding?”

Cristina hesitated.

“..Alex has to be one of my people. And I was thinking.. maybe he could hold a picture, of George. My friend who died-“

“In the bus accident. Right. That would be nice.”

“Mm. I wish I could invite Izzie, but she won’t come. And if she did it would be weird because of Alex. I was her maid of honor at their wedding.”

“You were?” Teddy smiled at the image of Cristina, maybe in a bridesmaids dress, maybe in a special one for the maid of honor, maybe it was planned ahead of time, maybe it was chaotic and she found out right before the ceremony.

“Mhm. She said cause I tried to save her, it made me honorable… Callie!”

“Huh?”

“Oh my god. She was one of my bridesmaids. Well- forced bridesmaid.”

“I think I heard that. Long time ago, Arizona was telling me about it. I think Callie would do it without being forced this time.”

“I hope so, I think I wanna ask her.”

“What about Shepherd?”

“Me and Derek are cool, but I do not want him as my bridesmaid. It just sounds weird. Derek Shepherd, bridesmaid. All I’d picture is him in a puffy dress with a big bow in his hair.”

“So three brides-people, Alex, George, and Callie. I think Owen should be my best man.”

“I figured, I’ve been mentally preparing for that for eight months.”

“He’s my best friend.”

“I know, I’m joking. You should definitely have Owen as your best man.”

“I think Arizona could be one of my bridesmaids. But I don’t know who else I could ask. I don’t really think there is anybody. You took all the good ones.”

“We can share. Half on my side, half on yours. If everybody’s in the wedding party who’s gonna be in the seats?”

“Good point.”

“If you want, we can have picture of Allison too. And your parents.”

“You’d be okay with that? Allison, I mean.”

“She’ll always be important to you. Just because she’s gone doesn’t mean you have to forget about her. Besides I kind of owe her a lot. I wouldn’t be here with you, like this, if she was still around; she gave me my whole life.”

“I think she gave me my whole life too. What do you think about April?”

“Kepner? What about her?”

“What do you think about inviting her?”

“I guess. But not her little friend with the pixie cut who stole George’s cubby and thought she was hot shit for doing it.”

“Deal.”

“And we gotta invite Lexie, and Sloan, and, Shepherd and Webber. And.. Bailey. Dr. Bailey has to be there, I owe a lot to her. I want her at my wedding.”

“Sounds good. God, I can’t wait to go home. I don’t think I’ll let you go. We are gonna cuddle so hard.”

“I’m not opposed to that.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Cristina sighed, “thank you for distracting me.”

“It’s gonna be over soon, it has to be.”

“I know you said not to say it- but in case something does happen-“

“Cristina-“

“No. I need to- in case. Okay?”

The blonde sighed, linking their hands together.

“Teddy, I love you. I’m so in love with you. And I didn’t- I never thought I’d ever be this happy. But it’s scary, y’know? It feels like, if you- you know, apart of me will, you know, too. I have never felt safer than I do with you. I’ve never felt so at ease, and, I just- what am I gonna do if I lose you? It feels like I just got you, I can’t lose you when I just got you.”

“Come here.”

Teddy wrapped Cristina up in her arms as the brunette broke down. Teddy’s scrubs were being covered with tears, but she didn’t care.

“I’m scared too. I’m terrified. But you know what? At least we’re here together. I know you’re safe right now. it’s not much but it’s enough. I love you, so much. And we’re going to get through this. Because we’re strong. You’re strong, and I’m strong. And if that guy comes in here we’re going to fight like hell. So that we can get married, and have the best life. I want that life with you Cristina and I’m going to make damn sure we get it. It’s you and me babe.”

Teddy put her head on top of Cristina’s to shield her from seeing the tears in her eyes.

“I don’t think I’ll be coming into work for a couple days.”

That made Teddy chuckle, despite herself,

“No, I don’t think so.”

“When we get home, can I have my weighted blanket?”

“Of course you can. I love you.”

“Love you.” Cristina mumbled into her scrubs as she buried her face in her shoulder, “Don’t let go.”

“I won’t.”

She never did, but cristina always asked.

The sound of the door handle jiggling suddenly filled the silent room.

The sound of someone or something pounding on the door made them jump and jolt apart.

*POUND POUND POUND*

The shelf rattled.

Teddy moved to stand protectively in front of Cristina, just as she grabbed Teddy’s arm and tried to pull them both to the ground.

Teddy slipped first. Cristina came tumbling down behind her.

Thankfully this closet had carpet floors.

There was only a small scuffling noise.

The blonde scrambled and desperately reached out for her fiancé to pull her into her arms, whispering to her as she held her close on the ground,

“I love you, I love you,”

She had to stay strong for the both of them. She was in the army, she was trained to be calm and collected under dangerous circumstances.

She had to. Because this was the love of her life.

The door handle rattled for another ten seconds that felt way longer than it was, before it stopped; filling the room with silence as faint footsteps moved down the hall, away from them.

If they’d been able to tell, in the state and position in the room they were in, they would’ve heard them going to the left.

The direction they were walking from before Teddy insisted they talk and Cristina gave in and dragged them in here.

Cristina tensed in Teddy’s arms. Waiting.

The waiting was the worst part.

The waiting was the worst part.

—

8 months P.S. (pre-shooting)

“Cristina?”

Owen.

“Woah, woah, slow down. What’s going on?”

She shook her head.

“You seem.. not okay. Are you okay?”

“I need- Teddy.”

“Is this about a patient uh, you’re not- in scrubs, why aren’t you in scrubs?”

“Teddy.”

“Is Teddy hurt? I-.” Owen shrugged his shoulders; he was at a loss.

“IS Teddy hurt?!”

“Not that I’m aware of. Okay, Cristina, why don’t we sit down and you can tell me what’s going on.”

“No. I have to- I just need Teddy. Do you know where she is?”

“I haven’t seen her. I-I can page her for you, if you want?”

“Mm, mhm. Please.”

“You got it. Why don’t we go sit over in those chairs and wait for her, okay?”

Cristina nodded sharply.

Owen led them over to a set of three chairs against a wall in the hallway, outside of some of the rooms.

“You don’t have to get into it, but, is it serious?”

Define serious.

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“Well, hey. For what it’s worth, you can talk to me about- whatever it is. You don’t have to, but I’m still here. I still care, even if it’s in a different way now.”

“Thanks. For what it’s worth… I went for it.”

“You went- you mean..?”

“Mhm.”

“That’s amazing! I’m proud of you. I’m assuming it went..?”

“Great. She asked me to be her girlfriend.”

“And did you say yes?”

“I did.”

“This is wonderful news, why don’t you sound happy?”

“I am happy. It’s not that- Burke is here. For surgery? And they don’t know if he’ll wake up, and Alex yelled at me because no one told him he was here, and it made me frustrated and it overwhelmed me, and I kind of wanted to punch something, so I had to leave.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Is there.. anything I can do?”

“I just want Teddy.”

“Well, hopefully she’s on her way.”

“I need her to take me home. I don’t have my car,and, I can’t be here. I thought I could, but-“

“Seeing someone you care about- a surgeon no less, on the other side of this job, is too much?”

“Yeah.”

“Does it feel like what happened with Meredith?”

They had talked about it. The water. One night when Owen was opening up more about his PTSD, and Cristina thought it might be good to share something of her own that had affected her.

Owen heard the full scope of it, so he fully understood in a way Izzie and George never got the chance to.

He also knew about Burke, because he was Owen, so of course her (now ex, obviously) boyfriend was going to want to know about her previous relationships.

“…a little. But- no. Yes? I don’t know.”

“It’s okay if it does. Just because your feelings have changed doesn’t mean you can’t still care.”

“I’m sorry, Owen. If I hurt you or you felt like I was stringing you along or-“

“Don’t. Cristina, you can’t help what you feel. And the fact that you talked to me about it instead of keeping it inside or- keeping it from me? I’m really proud of you, and I know I said it before but I really hope we can be friends. I still care, even though my feelings have changed.”

“Yeah. Friends.”

Cristina and Owen shared a smile.

“Cristina! Are you okay?”

Teddy sped up, coming to a stop in front of the pair, Alex close behind her.

“I’m sorry Cristina, I shouldn’t’ve yelled at you. It wasn’t cool.”

Cristina nodded at Alex.

“Thanks for paging me, Owen.”

“Yang asked me to.”

“I need you to take me home.”

“Why what’s- I mean, of course I’ll take you, but, I’m in the middle of shift. I don’t think I can just leave.”

“It’s too much. I can’t be here.”

“Okay. I’ll try and move some stuff around.”

“I can take her home, if you’re tied up here? I’m sure Robbins wouldn’t mind.” Alex offered.

“Thanks but, I’ve got her. I don’t have anymore surgeries scheduled for today, and anything else that comes in can be divided between the other cardio surgeons. Do you think one of you could get someone to check in on my patients until I get back?”

“I’ve got it covered.” Said Owen.

“Thanks. Do you want me to go get your stuff from the room?”

Cristina looked at her girlfriend, with pleading eyes not to leave her.

“I’ll get it. Meredith or me can bring it by later.”

“Thanks, Karev. You ready to go?”

“Please.”

“Thankfully I still have your keys. I’ll have to go get my purse from the locker room, and then we can get out of here.”

~~

Teddy held the door open as Cristina stepped into the old firehouse.

Once inside, Cristina made her way to her bed and sank down into it, exhaustion coming over her almost immediately.

“Do you want to be alone?”

Cristina shook her head.

“Okay.” Teddy came closer.

“Is it okay to touch you right now?”

She nodded.

Teddy moved towards the bed and sat on the left side. Cristina was facing the other direction, so she tenderly scooped her up into her arms.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

“Okay. Whenever you feel comfortable, or even if you don’t. I’m right here.”

“Mm. How long can you stay?”

“As long as you need me to.”

“I might fall asleep.”

“Please do.”

“I should probably change. Then you can have this stuff back.”

“No rush. I’m sure I’ll get it back eventually. Do you need any help?”

Cristina hesitated.

“Cris, it’s okay to need help. I’d never judge you. It’s been a hard couple of days. Whatever you need, honestly.”

“… maybe.”

“Okay, come on. Let’s get you something to wear.”

Teddy lifted her without thought, carrying her to where she remembered her closet was.

Cristina didn’t have the energy for her mind to really process and have strong feelings about it. But in any other circumstance she would have lots of feelings about it.

Once they got to the closet, Teddy set her down.

“Let’s see what we can find. Anything in particular you want babe?”

Babe…!

“I don’t want to think.” Cristina tried to joke, though it sounded a little too genuine.

“Sweats and a T-shirt sound okay?”

Cristina nodded, a little dumbfounded and surprised that Teddy was actually taking the comment seriously and not pressing her to figure out on her own what she wanted to wear right now.

She didn’t know, she didn’t care, she just wanted to go back to her bed.

Teddy picking out her clothes felt intimate. She didn’t just grab random things off the top of a pile, she was deliberate in matching the sweatpants with a shirt.

Almost as if she was picking what she thought Cristina would look best in.

Or maybe considering what she might be most comfortable in.

The blonde, clothes in hand, turned; prepared to help her girlfriend change into what she picked out.

“You know what Teddy I can-..”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind. Really.”

“Mhm. Thanks.” Cristina replied, softly, reaching out for the the clothes, which Teddy handed her.

She hesitated before pushing up on her toes and giving Teddy a kiss on her cheek.

“I’ll be right back.”

Teddy waited as Cristina changed in the bathroom. She hadn’t ever really been in the space for too long. When she had come over it was usually pretty short, and the one time it was longer more than a few people were also over, and she’d been dragged into conversations and had never really gotten a chance to look around.

She’d noticed when came for Cristina’s stuff, the small piles of mess that were scattered across the apartment. She wasn’t going to judge, Cristina told her before that her apartment was messy, but she couldn’t help but be concerned.

Other than the mess, which was uniquely Cristina, and despite her concern was oddly endearing to Teddy, the apartment was actually really cool.

For one it was an old fire house, so the floors were that polished concrete, and the walls were brick. For another it was an open space, so everything was one cohesive room, like a studio apartment, but bigger. The bottom half where the fire engine used to go is now a makeshift garage for Cristina’s car.

It’s pretty damn cool.

It was only a few short minutes before she came out wearing dark grey sweatpants and a loose faded ‘spring bud chartreuse’ colored Abercrombie T-shirt, holding out Teddy’s clothes in a characteristic haphazardly folded pile for her.

“Aren’t you stealing that?” Teddy quipped, as she pushed the sweatshirt back towards her girlfriend, and took just the sweatpants.

“Can I?”

“Thought that’s what you were doing already.”

Cristina rubbed the sweatshirt against her cheek, happily.

“Thank you.”

Teddy smiled fondly at the scene. She’d never seen Cristina like this before, and it absolutely melted her.

“You’re the cutest.”

Cristina smiled bashfully, averting her eyes.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed.”

“Can you.. can you stay over? You don’t have to but I don’t really want to be alone right now, and-“

“Of course I can. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow to take care of some things, and then I can come back here after my shift too, if you want.”

“Don’t I have to go in? Do we have surgeries tomorrow?”

“Nope. I talked to Webber and Bailey, sarlier. All that extra time trying to get more OR hours when you were supposed to go home? Got you the rest of the week off. He said if you try to work they’ll kick you out. Unfortunately that doesn’t include me, but I guess the head of cardio should be there to-, head cardio.”

“I don’t want to miss more work.”

“I don’t want you to either. It’s weird without you, I need you in the OR. Lexie Grey was good, ..she’s not you. But, that’s not my call.”

“What would your call be?”

“Professionally speaking? Get your ass back in that OR. Personally speaking?  Get some rest. Take some time. You do not have to go back and overwhelm yourself right now.”

Teddy wrapped the brunette up in her arms as they settled into Cristina’s bed.

Cristina Twisted to face her.

“Thank you for taking care of me.”

Teddy smiled softly and kissed her temple before pulling her in closer.

Cristina melted into the hold,

“Tell me.. something I don’t know.”

“About me?”

“Mhm.”

Teddy thought about something light she could share,

“Me and my parents, used to play scrabble. We played so much we all got really good.”

“Scrabble?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t- think I’ve ever played scrabble. Izzie used to, with her, well, technically he was her fiancé.”

“It’s my favorite board game.”

“Play it with me sometime?”

“Sure.”

Cristina sighed contentedly,

“Something else?”

“My favorite movie is The Goonies.”

“Really?” Cristina’s mouth quirked up in a teasing smile.

“What- it is!” Teddy laughed.

“No, it’s a good choice I just- didn’t expect that.”

“What’d you think I was gonna say?”

“I don’t know.. thirteen going on thirty?”

“A, I’m surprised you even know that exists. And B, it’s cute and all but so not my thing.”

“Hey! I know movies!”

“Cristina, it came out in 2004, that was, what, your final year of med school? I know you, there’s no way you were focused on what movies were in theaters.”

“Fine, fair point.”

“What’s your favorite movie?”

“It’s.. embarrassing.”

“I’m sure it’s not.”

“Okay.. you can’t tell anyone I told you this.”

“You have my word.”

“Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings. I used to watch it with my dad. We had it on tape and we had a special night every week that we’d watch it- I guess so he wouldn’t have to watch it every night. I think he’d probably do it anyway though. If I’d asked.”

Teddy was silent for a beat too long.

“It’s dumb, I know.“

“No, not dumb. I’ve never seen it. We should watch it together sometime.”

“You’d really want to watch a lame kids movie with me?”

“Of course I would. It’s something you love.”

Cristina lifted her head and nuzzled her cheek against Teddy’s, smiling exuberantly.

And god if Teddy isn’t already falling in love.

Her hair was a mess, she’d been sitting in a relatively crappy hospital chair for two days, and looked like she hadn’t slept (because she hadn’t), but Teddy thought she looked beautiful. That she was beautiful.

“You think Preston’s gonna be okay?”

“Burke? You know I can’t promise anything, but, I think he’s a surgeon, so he’s probably strong. He’ll fight.”

Cristina nodded, satisfied with that answer.

They eventually fell asleep, Cristina curled into Teddy.

Meredith had a key, so after knocking and hearing no answer she unlocked the door herself and brought in all of Cristina’s stuff from Burkes hospital room.

She called out into the apartment before noticing the sleeping pair and smiling. She didn’t leave without slyly taking a picture of them on her phone, for posterity, and totally not to tease Cristina later.

—

6 months P.S. (pre shooting)

“You ready to go?”

Silence. The cold creeping silence of an unmoving person, in satin covered cushions not meant to keep you warm.

Burkes funeral was nice. Filled to the brim with everyone at the hospital who knew him and cared for him.

Cristina sat in the front, though if it was up to her she would’ve sat in the back, or in the car, or on frickin’ Mars.

Anywhere but next to his wife.

Teddy sat with her. She wasn’t going to go because the hospital needed more staff to make up for the influx of people going to the funeral, but Cristina asked her to, so she went.

“Huh?”

Cristina looked up at her girlfriend. Just about everyone had left the church to head to the repast; a few were staying behind to oversee the lowering of the casket. Cristina was invited by Mama Burke and his wife to be apart of it.

She looked up and she was standing in front of the open hole in the grass, not sitting in the pew, the casket already covered with sprinkles of dirt from the family, and Cristina apparently, because her hands were covered in dirt somehow.

Teddy had her hand hovering over her shoulder, eyeing her gently.

“Everyone’s leaving to go to the reception.”

“Oh.”

“If you need more time, we can stay.”

“Ma’am, I’m so sorry, but we have to place the soil.”

“Can I watch?”

“Pardon?” The gravedigger asked.

“Cris?”

“I just- need to see.”

Teddy looked at her girlfriend with concern, before nodding resolutely,

“Do you guys mind?”

“…I guess not.”

“Thank you. Cris, are you sure you want to-?”

“Mhm. You don’t have to stay.”

“I’m not going anywhere. Plus I drove you here.”

Cristina nodded in lieu of a response.

“Is it okay to touch you right now?”

“Please.”

Teddy wrapped her arm around Cristina’s shoulders, as the gravedigger began to fill the hole with soil.

Teddy’s phone buzzed in her bag.

“It’s Meredith.” She said softly as she pulled it out.

“Hey.”

Teddy excused herself and walked off aimlessly.

“Hi, where are you guys?”

Teddy sighed,

“Watching them put in soil.”

“What?” Mer sounded concerned on the other end.

“She wanted to watch them cover the casket.”

“Oh jeez, okay. Are you guys coming to the reception?”

“We might be here a while, I don’t want to push.”

“Right. Teddy? Keep an eye on her okay?”

“I will.”

Meredith hung up, and Teddy made her way back over to where Cristina was still standing, watching as they shoveled soil.

Once she got there, Cristina slumped over into her side.

“I love you.” It was muffled slightly from how her cheek was squished against Teddy’s arm.

“What?” Teddy responded, softly.

They hadn’t said it before.

“I love you.”

They hadn’t said it, but Teddy would be lying if she said she didn’t feel it from the very beginning, in some form or another. Maybe in a way it was even there before they were together. Waiting, for this moment.

Teddy pulled her arm around her and kissed her temple,

“I love you too.”

“Do we have to go to the reception?”

“Not if you don’t feel up for it.”

“…Can we go home?”

“Your place or mine?”

“.. my place, if that’s okay.”

“Of course it is. You wanna go now?”

“Mhm.”

“Okay.”

Teddy waited for Cristina to move. She didn’t.

They stayed there for another 20 minutes before Cristina lifted her head off of Teddy, and straightened her coat.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go to the reception?”

Cristina sighed gently,

“I have dirt on my hands.”

“Let’s find a bathroom.”

“I need to scrub them.”

“Okay.”

Cristina held out her hands in front of her and examined them as they walked out of the cemetery.

Teddy sent a text to Meredith so she wouldn’t worry,

T: I’m taking her home.

                            M.Grey: okay. Keep me posted.

T:you got it

With that, Teddy put her phone away and worked to get Cristina to the nearest sink or at the very least water fountain.

~~

“You wanna talk about it?”

They were on Cristina’s couch, the tv on low in the background.

“Maybe later.”

“Are you hungry?”

“..yeah, I guess.”

“Do you want me to pick something?”

Burke liked gumbo.

“He liked gumbo.”

Teddy didn’t need to ask about the ‘he’ she was talking about.

“Do you like gumbo?”

“I liked his gumbo.”

“Let me see if anybody serves gumbo around here.”

“They probably had gumbo at the reception. Mama Burke’s gumbo.”

Cristina sighed, leaning to the left to lay her head in Teddy’s lap.

“Can you stay?”

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

“I don’t think I can be alone tonight.”

“That’s okay, that’s what I’m here for.”

Teddy carded her fingers through her girlfriends hair, gently, back and forth, back and forth, lulling her into a comfortable sleepiness, though she tried to fight it.

“You don’t have to fight it. You can sleep.”

“But you’re here.”

“And I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“… I don’t want to fall asleep.” Cristina admitted.

“Why not?”

“I had a nightmare last night.”

Oh.

“I was operating on Burke instead of Shepherd and Callie. It was going well until it wasn’t and he- there was blood, everywhere, so much blood. I tried to stop the bleeding, but I couldn’t find it I couldn’t-.. and then, his wife. She was in the OR. I kept telling her she’s not supposed to be in there, but she wouldn’t leave. She was screaming at me to fix him, and then, then she was me. Nine year old me yelling at me to fix him, fix his heart. But- Burke didn’t have heart surgery. I was, sort of blurry? Nine year old me. But only a little bit.”

“Oh, Cristina.” Teddy put a hand on her arm gently.

“I wanted to call you, but I didn’t wanna bother you. It was really late.”

“You can call me, anytime. You won’t be bothering me.”

“It was stupid. A stupid nightmare.”

“I want you to call me about your nightmares. You don’t have to deal with them alone anymore.”

Teddy looked at Cristina with a mix of sternness, concern, and care,

“What did you do anyway, instead of call me?”

“I couldn’t sleep so I just stayed up until it was late enough in the morning to get ready.”

“You’ve been up for- okay, that’s it, it’s comfy clothes time.”

Teddy nudged Cristina to sit up off her lap and stood, turning back towards the couch to stretch her hands out to her girlfriend.

“Come on, let me take care of you.”

Cristina allowed Teddy to pull her up off the couch, and lead her over to the closet.

Teddy wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s shoulders as they stood in front of the open closet.

She kissed her temple from behind her.

“Next time call me. The worst that could happen is I don’t answer because I’m asleep. But I will; for you, I will. And you can always come over, so you don’t have to sleep alone.”

Cristina burrowed further into the hold.

“Okay.”

“Now, let’s find something to wear.”

Later that evening, after they’ve spent a couple of hours staring off into the abyss of the tv, at a random show, Cristina thinks might be a FRIENDS rerun that’s been sped up slightly, because the voices sound weirdly high, but she’s too distracted to figure it out, Teddy breaks the silence,

“You don’t want to talk about today, and that’s fine, but can we talk about that ‘I love you’ earlier?” Teddy teased lightly, causing Cristina’s face to heat up,

“What brought that on?” She asked more seriously. Gently probing.

“I just felt it. And, I was thinking. He can’t tell his wife he loves her anymore. Or his kids. One day that will happen to me. I thought you should know.”

Teddy wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into her side.

“I’m glad you said it.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm. I liked hearing it.”

A small smile made its way onto Cristina’s face.

“Me too. And-.. I liked saying it.”

“Me too. I really do love you.”

Cristina’s smile widened and she moved to nuzzle her cheek with Teddy’s,

“I love you too.” She sighed, “And, thank you for coming with me today. Made it a little easier.”

“Do you feel like talking about it?”

“Mm. Maybe. I don’t know- what to say.”

“I know it was hard. Do you have any nice stories of him?”

“You want to hear stories about my ex-fiancé?”

“I want to hear stories about the guy you cared about.”

“Well.., okay one time, after he finally got surgery for his hand, his mom came to the hospital to visit him, and I had never met her before, and, she kind of walked in on me… in red lingerie.. on the patient bed..”

“Oh my god,” Teddy laughed, “seriously?”

“it was so embarrassing.”

“Was it- what, like a whole corset thing or..?”

“No! It was very tame. Why, do you want a visual?” Cristina teased, causing Teddy’s face to heat up in embarrassment.

“You know that’s not what I meant!”

“For the record, I think I was doing a service, not locking people out of a much needed on call room.”

“I’m sure you were.” Teddy was laughing again.

“Don’t laugh at me, it’s not my fault those doors don’t lock!”

“You’re right, I’m sorry, it’s not funny.”

“It’s not like anything happened or- was happening. But god she couldn’t have walked in a second earlier?”

“You’re so cute. Got any other stories?”

“One year, it was Christmastime, and Hanukkah, I told him about how I celebrated Hanukkah as a kid, because my stepdad’s Jewish. And- I told him I’m not really religious and don’t really celebrate anymore, but, he celebrated Christmas, so he got me, this, small menorah, and put it in the window in his apartment. He didn’t say anything he just, put it there. Like a silent acknowledgment. I still have it, somewhere. I don’t put candles in it and light it every year but. I still have it.”

“That’s sweet.”

“Mm. And he had the cleanest apartment I think anyone’s ever had. It was practically sterile. So not like this place, obviously.” Cristina gestured to the mess of her apartment,

“I would eat- take out in bed, and no matter how clean he liked his place, he would always let me. We’d sit, and I would read textbooks, and he would read whatever it was that he was reading that night, and I would have take out in one hand, and a book on the bed in front of me, and we’d sit in silence and-. It was nice. Even if it ended up not being right, it felt right, like maybe, maybe if we were two best friends it would be different. I don’t know, it was nice.”

“He sounds like a great person.”

“He is. Was.”

Cristina slumped into Teddy just a bit more,

“Do you have any surgeries tomorrow?”

“I do. Coronary bypass, why?”

“Can I scrub in?”

“Cris I don’t know if-“

“Please.”

And Teddy saw the pain in her eyes, knew she needed some sense of normalcy right now, but this was also surgery.

“Why don’t we see how you feel tomorrow? I’m not saying no, you know there’s no one I’d rather be in the OR with, but. Today was a lot, so let’s just take it a little at a time. Okay?”

“Do their voices sound sped up?”

“What?”

“The show. Chandler’s voice sounds higher, and they all look like they’re moving too fast.”

“I didn’t even notice. Maybe.”

“It’s kind of nauseating. Can we go to bed? I’m.. really tired.”

“You read my mind.”