And If You’re Homesick, Give Me Your Hand And I’ll Hold It

-I wanted to include the scene of Meredith and Cristina having no sense of self preservation, bc it’s my favorite, but I went a different direction and I couldn’t fit it in-

Stop, go. Go, stop. Go without stopping no matter how tired or hungry you are.

It’s the life we residents take on. Knowing that one day, if you make it through, you’ll be at the top of the surgical food chain.

One day you’ll be the lion. Or you’ll lose your footing, not run fast enough, and you’ll be the gazelle in a pack of lions.

And they’ll eat you alive.

-the elevators, morning-

“Excuse me. Could you tell me where to find the chief?”

“Dr. Shepherd? He's, uh, probably in his office.”

“Yeah, I've been to his office before. I can't seem to remember how to get there. I keep going in circles.”

“It's-it's in the east wing. That's over by labs, across the catwalk.”

“Sorry?”

“That's- You just gotta cross through the patient floor on three, And then follow the signs to the main lobby, And then you should find it no problem.”

“Thank you.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Have a nice day.”

“You, too.”

The elevator doors opened, the man stepped out. Cristina waited the respectable 7-10 seconds for the doors to close.

“This is what I get for fraternizing with coworkers.”

She tipped her head back and sighed in annoyance.

~~

“She’s a freakin’ heartless monster is what she is, Tom! We’re getting you a new doctor.”

Fine by me, I’d rather work with Teddy anyway.

“Linda, honey, she’s just doing her job. I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it. Right Dr.Yang?”

“Uh-, right. Absolutely. It’s my job to give you all the information as we obtain it, and, I prefer to be direct about it to avoid any miscommunications.”

“No, forget it. Do you even care about how we must be feeling- how Tom, is feeling?”

“I-…”

“That’s what I thought. I want another doctor. Get me that nice blonde girl, what was her name? Mary? Mara- something?”

Meredith.

“Right, Meredith!”

Crap, did I say that out-loud?

“Get me her please.”

“Fine. I will, page Dr. Grey for you.”

“And I don’t want to see you here again.”

“That makes both of us.” Cristina mumbled.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, Ma’am. Dr. Grey should be on her way soon.”

Cristina exited the room and made her way into one of the many halls of Seattle Grace Mercy West.

She breathed out a heavy sigh in frustration.

She wasn’t even supposed to be on this patient, but Alex had been distracting her with his Peds crap, and Meredith got her to unintentionally agree to watch her patient while she was in a surgery with Shepherd.

Mer wasn’t even supposed to be done for another hour at the earliest.

She needed to get on Teddy’s service, and to stop caring so goddamn much about Alex because it was just getting her the crap assignments.

(Though to be fair she probably would’ve relented to Meredith anyway, because she cares too god damn much about her too,  and been in the same position.)

“Cristina!” Teddy smiled widely, at the sight of her.

She’d been looking all over for her and finally decided to check the one place she should’ve known she’d be, since she’d heard all about Alex and Mer practically ganging up on her to give her Mer’s patient this morning.

They weren’t, there were two conversations happening on both sides of her that Cristina just happened to have the misfortune of being apart of at the same time, but it was funny to hear her talk about the faux betrayal.

The sound of her name being called knocked Cristina out of her thoughts,

“Teddy.”

Thank god.

“Are you free? I was hoping you’d still be able to scrub in with me.”

“Absolutely.” Cristina replied, happily.

“Good. I heard you were still on Grey’s patient, is she done with Shepherd’s surgery yet? Can I pull you away now, or should I come back?”

“Uh, she’s not but, the wife wants Dr. Grey, not me.”

“What, why?”

“I am a ‘heartless monster’, because I told them the truth and didn’t sugar coat it. She wants ‘the nice blonde one’. Apparently that’s Meredith. She would’ve said the same thing, you know maybe it’s her voice. She’s got that whole ‘I’m dark twisty but also approachable’ thing going. I’m just gonna give them what they want. They don’t want me? That’s fine, I’d rather be on the transplant.”

“She called you heartless?”

“She wants Mer, it’s fine.”

“You said that, she called you heartless?”

“A heartless monster, yes. It’s nothing I haven’t heard before. She wants Meredith, I’m not gonna cry about it.”

“And I want 8 arms to do surgeries.”

“Pardon?”

“Give me a sec.”

“Where are you- Dr. Altman, what are you doing?”

“I just want to talk to her. What are their names?”

“Uhm, Linda and Thomas Patterson, but Teddy I don’t think it’s a good idea to go in there and- she’s gone.”

Cristina sighed, following close behind her as Teddy went into the patients room.

She didn’t know what she was going to do, but she felt like it wasn’t going to end well for Linda.

“Excuse me, Mrs. Patterson?”

“Yes? Is doctor Grey going to be here soon I-why is she still here? I told her I didn’t want to see her here again!”

“I’m not sure when Dr. Grey will be here, she’s in surgery. I actually wanted to speak with you about Dr. Yang. She said you don’t want her as your husbands doctor anymore, can I ask why?”

“Ugh, like you don’t already know, that bitch should be fired! Can’t even do her job right. Does the hospital have to hire the slow one’s to look good, because I totally understand, but this is my husbands life we’re talking about here. I thought this was the best hospital in Seattle?”

“Ma’am, it is, could you jus-“

“Is she slow or does she just have no hospitality? She’s been incredibly insensitive and we’re going through enough already! If she keeps that attitude up, she’s going to be alone forever, I’m sure. Isn’t this the wrong business for people with no empathy? She’s a heartless, selfish monster, and she shouldn’t be allowed to do this job.”

Cristina shrank behind Teddy, stepping back from the situation. Physically the blonde appeared to be calm, but one look at her eyes told otherwise, and Cristina was not about to get in the way of that line of fire.

(Not that it would ever be directed at her, but, yikes for Linda.)

“Right, okay,” started Teddy, her tone shifting with a low sardonic chuckle from calm to icy, faster than Cristina could blink,

“If you call her heartless or a monster ever, again, I will personally see to it that security escorts you out, and that’s only because I could be fired for laying my hands on a patient and it goes for visitors too. And I’m not much for physical confrontation, but I did serve in the army and am more than qualified and trained in combat to kick your ass. If I have to call security you will not be let back in unless there is a medical emergency that requires your prescience so I would watch my mouth if I were you.

You have no idea who she is, or what she’s been through so you don’t get to assume she is heartless because if you get to do that then so do I, with YOU! Dr. Yang is single handedly the most dedicated, and hardworking doctor and surgeon that I have ever met, and the most empathetic person I know so back. Off.”

“Are you allowed to speak to patients like that?” The woman, Linda, scoffed; offended beyond belief.

“Patients? No, not usually. Their horrible wives who think it’s okay to treat my residents like crap, because they don’t like to hear the truth about their husbands condition? Oh yes, and I live for it.”

“I’m so sorry about this, she didn’t mean any ill intent. Right honey? This is all a big misunderstanding.”

“Whose side are you on Thomas? Hh- why is she hiding behind you like she’s four? If you want to complain about my ‘behavior’, to your boss, at least have the decency to face me. You’re a doctor for gods sake!”

“Cristina, don’t listen to her, go and wait for Meredith.”

“She’s right.”

“Cris. You don’t owe her anything.”

“No but see maybe I do.” Cristina moved so the woman could really see her,

“You think I’m heartless? That I’m some emotionless uncaring, creature from the black lagoon who no one’s gonna love?”

“Yang.”

“I’ve heard it all before, heartless, monster, robot. Oh and my personal favorite, machine. It’s all unprofessional and frankly untrue. You want me to be heartless? Cause I can be heartless. I could tell you that there’s no treatment options for your husband’s condition.

Send you home when really there’s some trial you could’ve tried that would give him more time and possibly even save him. I could tell you that your husband is going to die of some disease he doesn’t have, and give you false hope that we can cure it with some miracle drug that costs thousands yearly, that’s actually just some liquid-IV form of Tylenol. I could do that,”

She stepped forward,

“Or I could tell you how his charts show little to no improvement, but he’s not getting worse. I could tell you about how the new treatment has a much lower mortality rate than his previous treatments, and that it’s going to be hell for a while and he will probably be lethargic and have less of an appetite but you’ll more than likely get more time with him, maybe he’ll even live.”

She clasped her hands together in front of her,

“I could tell you all of it. But, I already have, and you know it. See I explained all of this to you because I don’t promise people that everything will be sunshine and roses and that there’s a guaranteed long life at the end of this. All of it is good news, and you need good news. I can’t promise more than I have because it’s not ethical, so I give you as much good news as I can so that you have something to hold onto.

Some people aren’t as lucky. Some people are getting sicker and if you want to know the truth some people are dying. Your husband is not dying so why don’t you stop making your pain, and your concerns about his health, an excuse to treat me like I’m not the person doing everything I can to save your husbands life. I’m not even supposed to be here, I’m just your babysitter, while Dr. Grey gets to scrub in on a neuro case.”

She was right by the man’s bedside now, her eyes piercing through his wife across from her,

“As for being slow, I have an MD and a PhD making me a double doctor. I graduated top of my class at Stanford as a Dyslexic, and Autistic woman so don’t you dare throw around that word like that. You wanna talk about heartless why don’t we find an OR and open up your chest and I bet you twenty dollars I won’t find anything. And I’m a Cardiothoracic surgeon so trust me, I know how to find a heart.”

“Are you threatening to cut me open? Was that a threat because if so I can sue your ass seven ways to Sunday.”

“What do you think, Dr. Altman, was that a threat?”

“…Nope. It sounded like facts to me.”

“Well you heard her, not a threat. I’ve gotta go take care of a woman who needs a heart transplant now. Because I’m competent enough to do that and empathetic enough that she requested me specifically to be there. Have a nice day Mrs. Patterson. And Thomas, I hope the treatment works out for you, and that you get that dog. I think you should name him Lucky. ‘Scuse me.”

Cristina turned and moved past Teddy and out into the hall.

“Aren’t you going to say anything? An apology maybe?! You’re her boss you can’t just let her talk to us like that!”

“No-, no, I think she had it covered. And, Mrs. Patterson? Clearly Dr. Yang wasn’t talking to both of you. I should leave too. I’m the Attending performing that transplant. We’ll get another doctor to come in until Dr. Grey is finished with her surgery.”

Teddy went to leave and paused, “One more thing though,”

Turning back around and getting up close to Linda she whispered,

“Talk about the love of my life like that again and you will be permanently banned from this hospital.”

“Are you even allowed to ban me from a hospital,” the woman laughed hysterically,

“You’re defending her because she’s what, your girlfriend? Wife? Real professional Dr… what was it? Altman?”

“No. I’m defending her because she’s a damn good doctor. She is my partner, but the part of me that’s defending my girlfriend is something else entirely. You don’t want to see that part come out all the way. You’re lucky I have to be professional and you’re mostly getting the part of me that’s her Attending.”

“I just don’t get it. You call her the love of your life, but you’re not even married. How could you possibly know what it’s like? Tom is the love of my life, we’ve been married for 12 years, I just want the best care for him and to protect him and I would do anything to get that. And yet you defend her like you’ve been married for 12 years.”

“Not that it’s any of your business, but if it was legal I’d marry her in a heartbeat. Just because we’re not married doesn’t mean I won’t do everything I can to protect her.”

“So she’s supposedly this amazing doctor but she can’t fight her own battles?”

“She can hold her own just fine. Doesn’t mean she has to. And isn’t that what you’re doing? Arguing about your husbands doctor when he seems to have no problem with her. Have you listened to your husband at all since you’ve been here? ”

With that, Linda shrunk slightly, holding back whatever she was going to say next.

“I’ve gotta go try my damnedest to save a life. When you get an intern, which you will, because their resident is in surgery and there’s no one else available, who’s still unfamiliar with most of the protocols here and will almost definitely mess something up, please don’t ask for Dr. Yang back. She’ll be in surgery.”

Teddy exited the room leaving only the thud of the door being shut a little too harshly, but not quite slammed, to echo in the space.

“Okay what the hell-oof."

Teddy wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s shoulders and pulled her into a nearly crushing hug. Her eyes watered and tears threatened to spill as she held Cristina tight.

She didn’t do a lot of PDA, but at that point, Cristina melted into her girlfriends arms. She was powerless to do anything else.

The embrace was her safe place.

“I’m so sorry. No one should be treating you like that.”

“Comes with the job.” Cristina mumbled into Teddy’s lab coat.

“I know. I still don’t like it. What do you need?”

“To cut someone open.”

“The surgery’s not for a couple of hours. What can I do until then?”

“Show me the heart lady.”

Teddy chuckled, swiping at her eyes where tears had been building up and extracting herself from the embrace,

“I think that can be done. Are you okay?”

“Do you want the real answer or the one that gets me to the cardio wing faster?”

“Cristina-“

“No. I’m not okay. I’m not-.. what am I supposed to say? People like that I’m a robot when it’s convenient for them and hate it, when it’s convenient for them. It’s not a label I enjoy but I also can’t change it. I’m not okay but what am I supposed to do? Huh? I-.. I just want to forget about it.”

“Cris I-“

“Can we just go? I’m not mad at you or anything, I just- really don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Teddy studied her for a moment, Cristina looked tense; her shoulders were raised awkwardly high and she looked irritated or stressed, or both.

Teddy didn’t know which, “Okay. Come on.”.

She chose not to mention it.

“Oh! Dr. Yang, Meredith sent me to check on.. aren’t you supposed to be with angry wife guy?”

“Lexie! Great, you can take over for Cristina with- what did you call him, ‘angry wife guy’? That’s good, I like that.”

“Why isn’t Cristina..? I thought Meredith said-“

“She was on that patient, but she’s not anymore. I was gonna leave them with an intern to get back at his wife but the husband seems nice so, a resident works. They don’t need you back in surgery do they?”

“No, no but I have other- you know what, it should be fine. Meredith should be here any minute. Is Dr. Yang okay? she doesn’t look so good.”

“I’m fine.”

“You know if you’re not fine that’s okay. sometimes I go to the vents when I need to be alone or, clear my head.”

“Thanks. Maybe you’re not so bad after all.”

“Thank, you? Hey, have either of you seen Alex?”

“Your boyfriend? Haven’t seen him since he let Mer dump this patient on me.”

“Wait what are the vents?”

Cristina tugged on the arm of Teddy’s lab coat and pulled her away, looking at her with an amusedly confused expression at the question.

How had Owen not shown her the vents?

“We’ll go on a field trip later, weirdo.”

“I’ll tell Meredith you asked me to take over for her!”

“Thanks Dr. Grey. I’d say sorry in advance but I see you’ve already met the wife.”

“Unfortunately I have.”

Teddy stumbled as Cristina pulled her forwards and she was turned backwards talking to Lexie,

“Tell the other Grey we had a transplant to get to in two hours, and it should only be about four hours long!”

“Will do!”

As they went around the hospital towards the cardio wing, Teddy was getting a gnawing feeling that Cristina wouldn’t operate at her best if she was even a little bit distracted by what just happened.

If Cristina said she didn’t want to talk about it Teddy didn’t want to push, and normally she wouldn’t, because her girlfriend would usually come to her eventually to talk. But this was right before a transplant surgery. This wasn’t a time where she could stop and consider it for a while and get her thoughts together.

She just.., she had a feeling.

“Cris?”

“Hm?”

“Before we go to see the heart transplant patient, we should find somewhere and talk.”

“Teddy I already told you-“

“I know. And usually I’d drop it, I know you need time to process and get your thoughts together but we’re about to do a heart transplant, and there can’t be any distractions.”

Cristina lowered her voice,

“I won’t be distracted. I’m a very good surgeon. You know tha-

“I know, I do. And I know you’ll try not to get distracted, but if there’s even one ounce of doubt that you might be the whole thing could go south. I love you and as your partner I’m worried about you, but I’m also your attending, and as you’re attending I have to be worried about the patient. Please, Cristina, we need to talk.”

“…fine.”

Cristina pulled Teddy by the arm into the nearest supply closet and shut the door behind her.

“Talk.” She said, gesturing towards the blonde emphatically.

“You have to talk, I can’t help you if you don’t say anything.”

“This is stupid, what am I even supposed to talk about?”

“How about.., how the comments make you feel. The stuff that woman said earlier. Other stuff. I’ve heard some people have called you a robot before.” Teddy got quieter,  “…I’ve called you a machine before.”

“We’re not going to do this this is- do I have to talk about it?”

“No. Of course not. But I think it would be really good to try. If you can’t I’ll respect that and we can go. I just.. I can’t stop thinking about what that woman said to you. I don’t care what she meant or what she was trying to prove, you don’t deserve that. And that’s not just me being overly concerned. I’m sure Meredith would feel the same way.”

“… the robot thing didn’t start here. It started in middle school. Seventh grade. This kid, Mikey Pearson, was absent from school for a week, and he always showed up and he was always happy and- laughing, and when he came back he wasn’t himself. And so I kept asking him why he was acting so different, ‘Why aren’t you happy?’ ‘Why didn’t you laugh at that, you always laugh at his jokes’ ‘is Jesse Briggs not funny any more?’ ‘You’re supposed to smile. You smile every day..’.

I didn’t get that asking so much was insensitive. No one told me his mom had just died. I think my mom was too scared to broach the subject, cause of my dad? And so, one of the girls who I can’t even remember said I must be from planet Martian because I don’t have human emotions. Then one of the boys said I was a robot, ‘like that guy from Star Trek’. And they all laughed. I got angry, and when I got home- I cried in my room for two hours. My mom tried to get me to stay home from school the next day but I begged her to go because I’d never missed school before.”

“Not even when-“

“Not even when he passed, no. The funeral was on a weekend. It felt.. better to stick to my routine. None of this is new, Teddy. It’s been like this my whole life.”

Silence.

“..I know you called me a machine. I heard it.”

“Cris I am so sorry about that it was-“

“You didn’t know me as well back then, and I was kind of a pain in the ass, so don’t apologize. I get it. Showing emotions is difficult for me, and I work on it but it’s hard and awkward and I feel weird when people get sappy or cry. Not because I don’t feel it too,”

“I know.”

“It’s uncomfortable. I can’t help that I’m uncomfortable and everyone else isn’t.”

“I’m sorry. I should know that by now. I do know that. You’re right you’re absolutely right.

I wish people were kinder, more understanding. Hell I wish I was.”

“You are. You’re the most understanding person I know. If it would make you feel better I don’t have to do the transplant with you. You can get- Lexi or, something.”

“No yes you do because you need OR time. And I need you in there with me because you’re one of the best Cardio surgeons out there. I was just worried what happened was going to distract you. Which by the way would be totally understandable. But, honestly I still am. As much as I appreciate that you’re opening up to me, you still haven’t talked about what that woman said earlier.”

“What else is there to talk about?”

“I know it’s hurting you more than you let on. I can see it, and feel it. You were so tense earlier and your-“ teddy reached out, “shoulders are still all tense. Talk to me, babe.”

“You really wanna hear it? Fine. I’M TIRED OF BEING A ROBOT.” Cristina moved and it knocked Teddy’s hands off her shoulders,

“I’M TIRED OF EVERYONE USING THAT AS AN EXCUSE TO DUMP EVERYTHING ON ME BECAUSE I ‘DON’T CARE’ OR I ‘WON’T GET EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT’.  I’M TIRED OF PEOPLE GETTING MAD AT ME FOR POOR BEDSIDE MANNER WHEN I AM JUST TRYING TO BE HONEST AND TRANSPARENT. I’M SICK OF-“

The closet door opened, Meredith stepped in and quickly slammed it shut.

Cristina looked at her with wild eyes, but her tone shifted when she asked,

“Um, Mer? What the hell are you doing?”

“Shhh!”

“Aren’t you supposed to be-“

“Help me move this.”

Meredith began grabbing one of the metal shelves and attempting to pull it towards the door.

“Okay what is going on Grey?”

“HELP ME, MOVE THIS!”

“Jeez, okay.” Cristina gestured to Teddy and the two helped drag the shelf in front of the door.

“What’s happening right now? Are you losing your mind? Because there’s only room for one breakdown today, and it can’t be yours because I’ve already started and-“

“There’s a guy.”

“A guy?”

“A guy, with a gun.”

“With a- what? What are you talking about, what’s happening?”

“We finished surgery and I went to go check on Lexie and my patient and some nurses were running and there’s a man, out there, somewhere.”

Cristina’s eyes widened; she shared a look with Teddy.

“It’s that guy. Clark.”

“Wait you mean the guy-“

“Yes.” Meredith breathed out.

“Who the hell is Clark?!”

“Gary Clark. One of Derek’s patients was his wife. He couldn’t save her.”

“Oh, my god Mer. Do you think that’s why he’s here with a gun?”

“I don’t know.” Meredith put her hand over her mouth, as a wave of sickness passed through her.

Neither of the other two women in the room seemed to notice.

“Wait oh my god!”

“What, what?!”

“He was in the elevator! Earlier, he was- he was looking for Derek’s office. I told him where it is I- oh god oh my god-“

“Okay Cristina- Cristina look at me. Focus on me, only me.”

Cristina’s eyes darted to Teddy’s and she froze, allowing the blonde to put her hands around her forearms and hold her steady.

“Cris, I’m so sorry, but we really don’t have time for you to freak out about this. You couldn’t have known, okay? There’s no way, so let’s focus, alright let’s focus on staying low and being quiet. Can you do that, babe?”

Cristina swallowed thickly, and nodded, still hyperventilating, though trying to quiet it.

“Good. You’re okay. Right now you’re safe, here, with me, and Meredith. I won’t let anything happen to you if I can help it.”

“Right. Me too. And I’m not mad at you Cristina. I’m worried for Derek’s safety, but I’m glad you’re safe too. Who knows what he would have done if you hadn’t helped him. I’m okay. You’re still my best friend, my person. You’ll still be my person and my soulmate no matter what happens, okay?”

“What if I killed him?”

“Derek is a grown man, and he is more than capable of handling himself. What happens to him has nothing to do with you.”

“But-“

“Teddy’s right, we need to lay low and be quiet.”

Teddy led Cristina to a spot on the floor away from the door. Meredith followed and sat on Cristina’s right, Teddy on her left.

They all jumped as their pagers buzzed with a quiet yet all too loud alert for lockdown.

As much as Cristina was shaking physically, Teddy and Meredith were both shaken too, though each were trying to hide it for their own reasons.

Teddy didn’t want to stress out her already scared and overwhelmed girlfriend, and Meredith was trying to stay calm so that she didn’t put additional stress on her body, because, she was pregnant. And her husband didn’t even know yet. And she was well aware of the risks a stressful situation could add to an already precarious pregnancy.

She felt like she was about to vomit. Thought that was probably mostly unrelated to the pregnancy, and more related to the sickly feeling she got when she thought about how clueless Derek must be right now.

(It was definitely an equal amount of both)

Was he hiding? Was he alone or with people. Were they friends or a round up of nurses he’d dragged into a lock-able room for safety?

He’d like that wouldn’t he? Being locked in a room full of nurses.

Those whores are gonna seduce my husband! Dammit! I bet they’re hot.

(Okay I’m sure they’re not whores. I’m getting a little carried away here. Focus Grey, life threatening situation? Ring a bell?! Seriously.)

Teddy felt around in her lab coat pockets for the spare ear plugs she usually keeps in them, because she knew Cristina well enough by now to sense what she might need, but of course this is the one time they’re completely empty save for a pen and a sticky note reminder to- get more ear plugs. Of course.

They were in complete silence for about two minutes before they heard scuffling and then a loud bang from far away. It seemed to be coming from the right, but facing the other wall of the room, and not the door, made it hard to tell where any noises would be coming from.

Meredith pulled sticky notes and a pen from her pocket and wrote:

~you guys okay?~

Teddy was the one who took the little note pad and responded. It was dark, but she managed to make out the words anyway.

T: ~no earplugs.~

M: ~shit.~

M: ~check her pockets~

Teddy nudged Cristina and started digging through her lab coat pockets.

Cristina didn’t know what she was doing, but willingly let her do it because it was Teddy.

She wouldn’t have for anyone else except maybe Meredith or Alex, and each of them would be met with at the very least annoyed grumbling.

There was a key ring, which was empty. Cristina had it for stimming, she’d flip it or roll it or spin it on her finger, or on tables. Though the last one could get frustrating because it would almost never spin.

She also had various pens, her own dwindling pad of post-it notes -classic yellow as opposed to Meredith’s blue one’s-, a hair tie,  a rubber band for stimming, and- aha! Earplugs.

Teddy took them and put them in Cristina’s hand, gesturing for her to put them in if she needed to. She did.

Cristina put her head on Teddy’s shoulder once the ear plugs were secure, and her girlfriend responded with a kiss to her temple, pulling her arm around her, and pulling her in closer.

~~

It was a few hours of silence, and Teddy spent it thinking about everything. Everything that happened earlier today, everything that was happening right now. The heart transplant patient she couldn’t get to, and Cristina.

Cristina the love of her life, Cristina the woman who came into her life and from the minute she met her, left a lasting impression.

Cristina who she couldn’t marry. All because the law was stupid.

“If it was legal I’d marry her in a heartbeat.”

It had been something she’d said in the heat of the moment, clouded by the anger she felt towards that woman. Linda. But it was true.

She’d been thinking about it for a couple weeks now.

She’d had a pull to ask Cristina to marry her, and then she’d remembered how long they’d been together, and then she’d remembered the law.

It was a disappointing reminder that she couldn’t legally marry her. But it hadn’t dispelled the thought from her mind at all. It only made the pull stronger.

She loved Cristina, and she couldn’t imagine spending the rest of her life with anyone else.

So what if it couldn’t be legal? She wanted what everyone else got. She wanted to be able to say Cristina was her wife. She wanted to have matching rings on their fingers and to be able to tell people about her wife when asked.

Maybe it was a ridiculous thought to have whilst they were stuck in a closet, hiding from a shooter.

But if they were stuck in here, not knowing what was going to happen, she wanted the thought to go beyond just that, a thought.

She briefly thought of Owen, if he was safe. If he was with a patient or if he’d maybe made it out. She’s sure if he did he’d definitely try to go back in to save more people. It’s kind of stupid,  but she hopes he doesn’t.

She wasn’t supposed to talk, they’d all agreed to silence, to be safe. But screw that. They weren’t safe. There was a gunman out there, shooting who knows how many people.

The hospital was 150,000 square feet. He could be anywhere. It was just as likely for him to be outside the closet door as it was for him to be in the- peds wing.

She gently shook Cristina off of Meredith’s shoulder; both of them looked over.

Softly Teddy whispered, “can you take those out?”, and gestured to her own ears to show what she was talking about.

“What?” Cristina whispered back, after she removed the ear plugs and adjusted to the quiet of the room.

“Marry me.”

Cristina’s eyes widened; Meredith smiled.

Despite everything, despite her husband being in danger and possibly hurt or worse, despite the hospital being in crisis, despite her pregnancy being in danger, and being under tremendous stress, she smiled.

“You’re asking me that right now-, while we’re stuck in a closet locked inside the hospital with a paycho on the loose-“

“I know it’s, not the best timing, but I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks, and, ever since I first met you, you have turned my world upside down. You make me a better surgeon, and a better person. Your smile lights up every room and as corny as it sounds it lights me up.

The love you have for your people is so big I feel it because you exude it. You carry it around and I know you don’t think so but everyone you love feels loved by you in their own way. I feel loved by you every single day. Just you being there, being next to me, makes me feel loved.

And I love you. I love dancing with you to get all your energy out, and I love when you get so excited that you shake your hands and get the biggest smile on your face that makes me smile. I love listening to you talk about the heart for hours, telling me stuff I already know but I don’t care because I love hearing you tell it to me.

I love sitting on the floor with you and holding you when you’re overwhelmed, and sitting on the floor with you doing absolutely nothing. I love waking up and knowing that you’re right there, that I can just be with you and hold you and exist with you. I love you and I love our relationship.

I know it’s only been 8 months, but really it’s been longer, because I’ve known you for- I don’t even know how long now, but it feels like forever. And, I know it can’t be legal. We couldn’t get a marriage license or anything. But we could get rings, and have a little ceremony with our friends, and maybe your mom and stepdad, if you wanted. Cristina, I want the whole world to know how much I love you and I want to be your wife.”

“Teddy-“

“Don’t you dare say ‘what if we die in here’. We’re not dying today. Not for a very long time. I won’t allow it. You’re too important to me to die, okay?”

Cristina moved closer and laid her head on Teddy’s shoulder, curling her own arms around her girlfriends right one.

“Okay.”

“Screw it. It can’t take this anymore. I’m going to find Derek.”

—

8 months prior

Meeting Teddy and getting to work with her had made Cristina push harder, to keep getting better, to keep going, even when maybe she should stop.

Teddy believed in her (her words, for real), and Cristina didn’t know she needed that, but now that she knew she couldn’t give it up, or waste any second without it.

As long as she had it, she would never stop if that’s what Teddy wanted.

It meant everything that she saw her abilities as an asset because Hahn had always seen them as expendable and easy to overlook because of how- annoyed Cristina may have been making her on any particular day.

But then Teddy tried to leave. She was just going to up and leave without so much as a goodbye or a “see ya’ later champ! It’s been a good run but I can’t be around you anymore because I want your boyfriend!”

It was about Owen. Because of course it was. Owen was her last thread to a family, a person she could consider home, that she was hanging onto, and without him she had no one.

Sure, she had Cristina, but she was a coworker and maybe a friend. She didn’t really have her.

She didn’t have any other family, either. Owen was it.

Her parents both died within almost a year of each other and then one of two people she really had after that died and she couldn’t look her Bestfriend, the one and only person she had left, in the eye so she lost her too.

In a less physically permanent sense, but she lost her.

Cristina had her mom and then eventually her stepdad after she’d lost her dad. And they were good, not as good as having her dad and not losing him at all would have been, but good. Teddy on the other hand, slowly had no one when she’d lost first her dad, then mom, then her best friend.

And then she joined the army and shipped off to Baghdad and met Owen. And then she had someone again. Until they split up.

Owen ended up at Seattle Grace, eventually, and Teddy went elsewhere.

She spent years after that trying to pick herself up and glue her fractured pieces back together and tryto keep from losing herself, despite the fact that so much that made her, her, was gone.

When she met Cristina she had finally gotten to a good place.

She had become such a badass in the Cardio realm that she was dubbed a Cardio God, and She hadn’t let her past ruin her career.

In fact, when she’d joined the army back in ‘01/‘02, she’d even decided to tell Owen about her Bestfriend. How she had two best friends but one died in the south tower at 9:59 am on 9/11.

But she didn’t tell him that one of those best friends, the one who died, was actually her love. Her one true love who she would give anything to get back. The one person who she would be in love with more than anyone for the rest of her life.

It would have just ruined their budding relationship, if he knew she could never love him as much as her.

So she ran away from it all. Locked up the truth to avoid the potential issues and avoided her trauma like the plague.

But nothing could be avoided forever, it seemed.

After Teddy walked out (because she came and she thought she could have Owen again even just as a close friend this time),and Cristina chased her down like a mad man and basically told her she couldn’t leave because she needed her (and Teddy got forced to stay longer by Webber who needed someone to help out), the hospital got a patient.

There was nothing out-rightly special about him, he was a man in need of a heart valve surgery. Really, it was a regular day for the Cardio duo.

Except for the fact that he was a retired New Jersey firefighter.

He’d moved to Seattle a couple of years ago to fulfill a dream he and his wife were supposed to pursue together.

They were going to move to Seattle in November of 2001. He had a firefighter position lined up that he was going to take as a switch up from his position in New Jersey.

“My wife, Angeline, she was a bright light in my life. Always smiling. Always making others laugh. She would make me play board games with her almost every night. Whoever lost did the dishes.”

He smiled brightly at them, more than likely remembering some night spent stealing railroads in Monopoly, or playing some card game or maybe even candy land, if that’s what they liked.

He explained that his wife worked at the World Trade Center. She was a server in Windows on The World and was one of 73 people who were working in WoTW that day.

She would commute to work every morning via the train that ran from New Jersey to New York.

The firefighter, Jackie Lowens, being of the New Jersey fire system, had been sent to a small house fire in one of the New Jersey neighborhoods just an hour prior to the historical tragedy that morning. He was waiting with the woman at her house, while her husband tried to get off work and come home. Jackie let the rest of the guys head back to the station in the truck, not wanting to hold them up in case there was another emergency.

He had no idea in just a short amount of time, they would be breaking the barrier of where they were usually allowed to go and heading to New York.

After they saw the news and he figured out what was going on, it was too late.

He couldn’t get out of the neighborhood because it was already too crowded. Cars blocking the streets and people on their cellphones frantically trying to reach loved ones and friends.

Some just watching what they could see across the water. Some taking pictures with cameras and trying to catch each moment.

So many of the smaller emergencies were put on the back burner and the New Jersey firemen that they could spare had booked it across the river to aid in what they could without their own fire trucks, because there was no way those were getting across the water, especially not with all the chaos.

So many of the Jersey City Fire Department came and aided in the Ground Zero clean up.

By the time Lowens got there, there was too much going on. But he did find out that everyone from a certain level and upwards in the North Tower, aside from 14 individuals, didn’t make it.

The only person that survived who was supposed to be in Windows on The World that day was chef Michael Lomonaco.

Lowens didn’t know why, he never learned the reason, but it was because of an eye exam. Lomonaco and his wife were supposed to go to Europe just days later, and he needed to go in before he left, but his regular optometrist was booked. So he got in late to work.

He was in the lobby when it happened. And even if he had known the whole story, Lowens couldn’t resent the guy for surviving when his wife and so many others didn’t. He was sort of glad someone who should’ve been up there made it out safely. Even if it wasn’t Angeline.

After that day he vowed to do everything his wife and him had wanted to do.

Move to Seattle to be near family. Go on vacation to Disney with the Grandchildren annually. And while they’re in California for Anaheim, go to the science center and walk the rose garden.

She loved the rose garden.

Hearing his story was too much for Teddy.

It was too similar to her own.

She had to step out of the room after he told her and Cristina because of how overwhelming it was.

Christina apologized to the man, excused herself, and went after her colleague.

“Um, Teddy, what was that? We need to get this man pre- Is everything alright?”

Teddy was leaning on the wall with one hand,

“Yeah, yeah I just- I need a minute.”

“Okay? Is it something he said? Look I know you were in the army, around that time, so, if this is a lot- if you need me to ask him not to talk about it I-“

“No. No, it’s his wife, he should talk about her. He’s allowed to talk about her.”

“I’m sure if we just asked him he would-“

“No! He needs to talk about her, he needs to be able, to talk about her. Not talking about her- keeping it in forever, it would only hurt him.”

“… okay. Well, if you need to take a break I can-“

“I’m fine. Let’s get back in there so this guy can get prepped for his surgery.”

“Dr. Altman-“

“Leave it, Dr. Yang.”

Teddy brushed past her and into the patients room.

Cristina watched her go, staring and wondering what exactly was going on with Teddy.

She wasn’t great with social cues. Maybe because people didn’t ever just say what they really meant or what they really wanted.

And she certainly wasn’t good at comforting people. It had been a regular occurrence where she couldn’t talk to patients families about their losses. It was difficult, and awkward, and what if they cried on her shoulder? Then she really wouldn’t know what to do.

So with all that in mind, it would’ve been hard to comfort Teddy, had she known what was going on, because something was going on, and if Teddy confided in her she didn’t think she’d be very helpful.

Sighing, she followed her Attending back in.

~~

The surgery went off without a hitch.

Teddy and Cristina were as great of a team as ever. Teddy was even going to let Cristina tell his family, the kids, spouses, siblings, and grandchildren, that he was okay and his recovery would be smooth.

But, nice as the offer was, Cristina told Teddy that she should do it.

“But you did good Yang. You should be the one to tell the family he’s gonna be okay. You’ve more than earned it.”

“It should be you, Dr. Altman. I was just your right hand man in that OR and besides, you have a connection there, right? I don’t know what it is exactly, but you can talk to these people like you understand their pain, or fear, because you went through it too. I can’t. It should be you.”

Teddy scanned her face before nodding resolutely and stepping out to the waiting room.

Cristina watched as the family stood from those familiar waiting room seats, in various states of disarray and worry. She watched as their faces lightened when Teddy started talking.

She couldn’t help but think that she too feels lighter when Teddy’s talking.

The thought should’ve hit her like a freight train. Really, it should’ve. But there were other more pressing revelations on her mind recently.

When she finished up with the family, Teddy walked back over, sighing as she got closer,

“I need a drink. You wanna go to Joe’s?”

“I- yeah. Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

Teddy smiled and nodded,

“See you there, Yang.”

~~

Cristina wanted to get to Joe’s before Teddy.

Order a drink she know’s the woman likes,.. get one in her first to make it easier to talk to her without awkward pauses or uncertainty about her word choices.

As luck would have it, the universe had it out for her out of nowhere for no reason.

She’d just saved a man, and the universe was screwing with her.

Meredith kept droning on about some frustrating patient, and, not to say anything bad about her soulmate, but she kind of wanted to suture her mouth shut.

It wasn’t that Meredith talking annoyed her, she loved Meredith, she did.

They both talked at each other like nobody’s business all the time. It was a wonder they had any conversations at all where both of them were following the same train of thought.

But Cristina was anxious to get to the bar, and Meredith was holding her up at the hospital for no good reason. And it just happened to be a time where only one of them was talking and the other was supposed to be listening.

She could just walk out, or give a vague non-response to her and leave like she’s so familiar with doing to people (namely Meredith because of the two trains of thought thing. That and she doesn’t maliciously judge her for it. Because they have an understanding. Meredith gets her like no one else does.).

But she had been kind of closed off recently.

It’s not that she was trying to ignore her best friend, things were just happening in her personal life that she wasn’t comfortable opening up about just yet.

So she had to make sure Meredith knew things were fine between them, so that she didn’t feel even more shut out. But she also had to go.

She needed her to know that despite all the chaos in her life at the moment, she wasn’t putting a wall between them.

She wasn’t trying to make permanent distance, she was just trying to figure it all out.

To deal with some new revelations on her own so that she could process it and get comfortable with her reality.

Because it was something she never had to think about before. But once she thought about it it was really hard to stop.

“Mer.” She said calmly.

“And so I wanted to tell the guy either get his wife to agree to testing other family members for a match or get on the waitlist because they’re running out of time. It’s her kidney not mine I know but…”

“Meredith.”

“…‘s like she doesn’t even want a new Kidney, I mean I have experience with people who don’t want to live and I don’t think that’s her, I just feel like there’s something up with-”

“Mer!”

Meredith paused.

“I want to hear about this, I do. Well, okay I really don’t, I actually don’t care about kidney girl, but I want to listen to you, because you’re my person. You’re my person, no one else. Not Owen, not, anyone else. I want to listen. It’s just that I’m meeting someone at Joe’s, and I need to go, so, maybe you can tell me about this later?”

“You know you don’t have to do the reassurance thing. I know I’m your person. The people in the space station know I’m your person. I know it you know it, and I get that you just want some time, and space. I’m gonna be here whenever you want to talk about it. And- wait, who are you going out with? Is this a date? Because I know you’re not with Owen anymore but isn’t it a little soon after you guys broke up to be.. y’know?”

“It’s not a date. Unless drinks with Teddy is a date, which, not saying I would say no, but I’m pretty sure it’s not. She invited me after our, successful might I add, valve replacement surgery, so I’m going.”

“Good. It’s good that you’re getting out. It beats moping around my house all the time.”

“I have not been moping.”

“Whatever you say miss won’t drink tequila with me. Seriously. I think that concerns me more than the moping.”

“Don’t be worried. I’m fine. My break up with Owen was mutual.”

“I try not to. But f I don’t worry about you, who else will? You’ll ignore your problems until they consume you and you break down. That’s not okay with me. If you’re in the dark place you need to tell me.”

“I’m not in the dark place.”

Cristina gathered her things and turned to leave. She wasn’t ready to have this conversation. Wasn’t ready to tell Meredith everything. And she especially wasn’t going to do it in the middle of the resident locker room.

“Cristina,” Meredith called out, making her turn back to face her.

There was a short pause, both girls starting back at each other, unsaid words hanging in the air,

Meredith settled on, “have fun.”

Cristina understood what Meredith was trying to convey. They hadn’t talked about it. Cristina wouldn’t, not yet at least, and Mer wouldn’t force her.

But when Cristina came over and kicked Derek out of bed (or rather, Meredith texted him that he was officially kicked out of bed until further notice that night, because he was still finishing up at the hospital when Cristina got there),

And she cried on Meredith’s shoulder and told her she needed to break up with Owen, Meredith had enough of an idea based on other vague things at the time to put together why.

All she had said was, “yeah.” And gently rubbed soothing circles into her back.

It had been an unspoken awareness between them since.

Cristina knew Meredith had her vague idea, and Meredith knew that Cristina knew. And they both knew that Meredith would know the specifics once Cristina was comfortable sharing.

But for now she just relied on Meredith knowing but not knowing. She could casually speak as if things weren’t hanging between them, with the security of those things being fastened with metaphorical clothes pins, like air-drying sheets in the wind.

Only for her to take down when she was ready. When they were dry and ready to be worn.

As Cristina exited the residents locker room, Derek slid past her, slinking sideways between her and the door frame.

“What’s up?” He asked.

Meredith lifted the left half of her mouth in a knowing smile that reached her eyes,

“Cristina’s got a date.”

“With who, Owen? Are they getting back together? I thought-”

“It’s not Owen.”

“Oh, good for her.”

Derek couldn’t think of a single guy in this hospital at the moment whom she wouldn’t laugh off an invitation to go out with. So he was confused, but happy for her.

He didn’t know, but he had the spirit, assuming she took up an offer, even just to turn her mind off for a minute after the break-up.

He’d heard from Owen that it was mutual, but getting kicked out of his own bed and coming home to his wife holding Cristina, who’s face was completely soaked with tears, was enough for him to assume that wasn’t entirely the case.

~~

“Yang, over here!”

Teddy was already nursing a beer when Cristina got there.

She was sitting in a booth, and upon a quick glance around the room it was safe to assume it had to do with the crowd of people who had taken every other spot.

“How’d you snag this?” Cristina intrigued.

“Luck. Some people got up right as I came in. Ran for it against a brunette at the bar. My agility training has really paid off.”

“My hero.” Cristina teased.

Teddy sloshed her drink around the bottle in between her hands. She was picking at the label, a habit Cristina had never noticed her exhibit before.

But maybe she had never seen Teddy nervous before.

Is that what it was? Nervousness? Or something else?

“So… I guess you’re gonna ask me for an explanation about earlier?”

“Well, I was planning on easing my way into it, but.”

“Let me get you a drink first. I’ve never done this before so I don’t know if it’ll go better with alcohol, but it’s a safe bet.”

A few minutes later, after some small-talk, which Cristina doesn’t exactly excel in (she hates it), about work, their drinks came.

Another beer for Teddy, and a similar one for Cristina, as she thought Tequila was maybe not the drink for this, whatever this was.

“So, I don’t know how to ask this so sorry if I come across as rude, but- someone died, right? Back then. Someone you knew? That’s why you left the patients room earlier?”

Teddy nodded,

“the year before that, my- dad was pretty sick. He died in 2000. That year was really hard after that. But I had my mom. She was my rock. She was getting me through it, we were strong together. And then she died. Unexpectedly, in 2001.

They diagnosed it as Broken Heart Syndrome. I don’t blame her, he was the greatest man I’ve ever known. But I always thought, why, why did she have to die too? What about me? Why did she have to die and leave me too? They were my only family. I mean I wasn’t close with any relatives, and my grandparents weren’t around anymore by then. It was just, a lot, all at once. Then a couple of months later.. Allison, my best-”

Teddy paused, breathed out, and steadied herself. She didn’t have to keep it up anymore. The lie that Allison was just her best friend and not her whole world.

“my girlfriend. She- she died, in the south tower, on 9/11. She was the one who helped me after my mom died.  She would answer the phone when the landlord kept calling about my moms stuff in her apartment. I didn’t want them to throw it away, but I couldn’t go in…”

“Teddy, you need to go through your moms stuff. I would do it for you, but, I don’t know what to keep.”

“I would’ve married her, Cristina. If it was possible, I would’ve spent the rest of my life with her. My dad never even got to meet her. But my mom-.. she said if I really liked her, I should go for it. I shouldn’t be afraid. That I had never seemed happier than when I was with her; talking to her, looking at her. I didn’t even know she noticed, but she was right.

That’s why when she died, I kissed Allison. She was dating our best friend, but I kissed her. She didn’t get the chance to properly break off the relationship before she died.

But she promised she was going to. We talked about it and she said she didn’t want any secrets, that she loved her but she loved me more, and we both didn’t want to hurt our best friend. We just didn’t have enough time. I didn’t get, enough time with her and I’ve never gotten to apologize to Claire for sneaking around behind her back.”

Cristina took all of it in, processing and trying to think of a good response.

So far she had nothing.

“God. I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear all that.”

“No, it’s fine, really. I’m.. sorry about your parents.”

“It was a long time ago. I’m better with it now, but it’s- honestly it’s hard sometimes.”

“I get it. Fellow ‘Dead Parent Club’ member here.”

Cristina tilted her drink towards herself, chuckling sardonically in an attempt to lighten the mood.

The blonde next to her raised her eyebrows, inquisitively.

Cristina didn’t look up at her, she didn’t have to,

“I lost my dad when I was nine. I don’t talk about it.”

Teddy nodded, a knowing sadness in her eyes.

“I don’t think you ever really get over the grief, you just… find a way to live with it. Some days are harder, but you do it. Because you have to, because you don’t want to sink.”

Teddy was stunned.

“That’s exactly how I feel.” She said, quietly.

There was a moment of shared silence, Cristina broke first,

“Allison? She seems like she was a really great person.”

“She was, the best person, I have ever known. What about your dad?”

“He was my idol, I guess? I didn’t get to know him very long, but, yeah. Best person ever. I didn’t know- that you? I just, always assumed you only liked men. Well, Owen, but, men in general I guess.”

“Yeah. I didn’t either. But after I met Allison, I realized a lot. So much from before I knew her made sense. And, I do like men, but- I loved her. So much. She’s kind of hard not to love.”

“No kidding.” Cristina mumbled, averting her eyes to her drink.

“How are things with Owen? Lord knows he won’t talk to me about it. I assume you two are still going strong? I mean you’re still living together, right? In the uh- the old fire house?”

Cristina kept her eyes glued to the drink in her hands,

“Actually, we broke up.”

“What?! What happened? If he hurt you-”

“No! God no, he didn’t. We just… wanted different things. Or I guess, the same thing, but. It wasn’t us. He’s letting me keep the apartment, considering it’s technically mine and, I don’t really feel like begging Callie to move back in with her. But- yeah, no. That’s over.”

“Oh. I’m sorry.”

“I’m not.”

Teddy let out a breathy laugh in disbelief,

“Excuse me?”

“There’s nothing wrong with Owen. He’s a decent guy he just- isn’t… my type, anymore. I don’t know that he ever was. Honestly, I’m relieved it’s over.”

“Okay, well we’ll just have to find someone more your speed. I’m sure there’s ton’s of great guys out there for you. Fish in the sea and all that.”

“Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Oh don’t sell yourself so short. Come on, I can help you find someone-“

“Teddy.”

“Hm?”

Cristina tightened her hold on the bottle in her hands,

“…I’m gay.”  She said. With vulnerability, like she hadn’t said it out loud before.

“What?” Teddy asked, gently.

Cristina slowly opened her eyes,

“I don’t want a man. I don’t like men. I’m gay.”

“Oh. Cristina.. can I hug you?”

“..okay.”

It was a whisper, but Teddy couldn’t miss it.

She leaned over and wrapped her arms around Cristina’s shoulders, which tensed at the unfamiliar touch, before she relaxed into it, her arms awkwardly at her sides, not knowing where to put them.

“Does anyone else know?”

“Meredith. Uh, we haven’t talked about it, but I know she knows. She can read me like a frickin book.”

Teddy nodded.

“Thank you for trusting me with this.”

“You too. With your- everything.”

“I’ve never told anyone that she was my girlfriend. I mean Owen knows what happened, but he just thinks she was my best friend.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Thank you. I won’t either.”

Cristina gave a short nod in response.

The arms around her felt unusually comfortable; like she could fall asleep.

It made her stomach sick with anxiousness.

Even if she liked Teddy, it didn’t mean Teddy liked her. Not like that anyway.

And she did like Teddy.

She had for weeks now.

Probably longer if she really thought about it, she just hadn’t been aware of it before then, because she hadn’t been aware of herself before then.

And then when she was, she was dealing with the whole startling, life altering realization, and she hadn’t had much room in her brain next to her work and the lesbian thing to think about it or even notice it.

Cristina tensed again,

“Uh, Altman? You can let go now.”

“Oh!- sorry.”

Cristina extricated herself from the hug as Teddy move her arms away,

“No it’s okay, it was-, nice.” She cringed at the way that sounded coming out of her mouth.

“For a hug it was… tolerable.”

“Tolerable? I don’t know if I should be offended or flattered.”

“I only let Meredith, do that, and it’s only cause I can’t stop her,”

“You know this constitutes hugging.”

“Shut up, I’m your person.”

“and half the time I’m the one crawling into her arms. You know what? I hate when people touch me, it’s the worst and it hurts and no one else seems bothered by it- I mean what’s up with that? Seriously.”

“Hurts? Is it painful is- I mean do you have some sort of medical condition or something?”

“No. No condition. It’s just, so frickin’ uncomfortable. Especially when it’s someone you don’t know. And they’re in your space and just because it’s expected and, socially appropriate you’re supposed to hug or, shake hands or whatever.  Like dude, get off me.”

“Well alright then.”

Teddy offered a smile, but Cristina averted her eyes to a scratch in the wood of the counter top in the booth.

Feeling dejected by the reaction, the blonde attempted a redo- response,

“I suppose we all have different levels of comfort. I wouldn’t like if someone was doing something that hurt me.”

Which made Cristina roll her eyes fondly, a small half smile on her face.

“I don’t like to be touched unless I initiate it. I never have and most people respect it, but sometimes someone won’t know or won’t care and it turns into a thing.”

“Okay. I’ll be mindful of that in the future.”

Cristina and Teddy exchanged smiles.

Teddy was so nice. She was a cardio god who pushed Cristina to her limits to make her better and often at work spoke to her in a typical ‘air of a confident attending’ fashion. But she was so nice to her.

She didn’t have to be. Logically they shouldn’t work as friends because of Owen, but Teddy had never failed to surprise and amaze her.

She meant it when she’d told Meredith on the baseball field that she loved her. Even if it had been her talents before and her personality now. It was still true.

“Hey, do you maybe wanna, get out of here? I’ve got some wine at my place I’ve been holding onto, that I’ve never had an excuse to drink.”

“Yeah, i’d like that.”

Teddy set some money down with a small thud from her palm hitting the table,

“No, wait I got it-“

“Cristina, I invited you, out for drinks. It’s on me. Come on, My cars out front.”

“Well, I’m not gonna pass up a free drink.”

Teddy chuckled,

“Hey. Maybe you could tell me more about the Owen stuff, and.. your dad, if you want. You know, when we’re somewhere with less people.”

“Okay. You can tell me about Allison, if you want. And your parents.”

“Okay.” Teddy said, gently, gazing at Cristina with soft eyes.

Cristina broke eye contact first.

It hadn’t been a confirmation that she would talk about him. Just an acknowledgment of the offer and the sentiment, and her own extended offer back.

But,

she thinks that’s good enough.

Maybe she could tell teddy about her dad, but it wasn’t as simple as deciding to open up and doing it just like that.

“Alright!” Teddy announced cheerfully,

“Let’s go paint the town pinot. Bye Joe!”

She waved at the man behind the bar, before turning and motioning for Cristina to follow her out.

It was a stupid play on “paint the town yellow”, Cristina really shouldn’t be as amused as she feels. But come on! Give her a break.

She’ll be back to her regularly scheduled indifference tomorrow.

~~

“Oh, Dr. Bailey!”

Bailey was lying on a gurney in a hallway. She lifted one eye and looked up at the Resident hovering over her,

“Yes, Grey? Why are we bothering our attending when she’s trying to sleep?”

“Have you seen my sister?”

“No, I haven’t. Meredith was supposed to leave already. Shouldn’t you know where your own sister is?”

“Damn it. Shoot, sorry! I didn’t mean ‘damn it’, well okay I did mean it but I just meant- I mean-“

“I got it. Since you already woke me up, what’s the problem?”

“One of the uhm, the patients, is, he’s asking for Meredith. I promised I’d find her before she left.”

“Well is it urgent?”

“I don’t- I don’t know. I don’t think so? But-…”

Bailey sighed,

“I’ll go see what he needs.“

Dr. Bailey eyed Lexie as she got up off the gurney and went around her,

“I swear I gotta do everything around here. you residents-. Can’t even let me get any sleep or, get my work done on a good day.”

“Thank you Dr. Bailey!” Lexie called out.

~~

“You did what?!” Teddy laughed.

“Well I’m not proud of it. Meredith made me! Solidarity or-. Okay for the record, I thought it was stupid to risk our jobs like that. But it was for Izzie.”

“Oh I would pay to see you as an intern. Got any other crazy stories?”

Cristina deadpanned,

“One time my boyfriend, who was also my boss, wouldn’t tell the chief that he had a tremor in his hand after he was shot, insisted he was fine, and refused to do anything to fix it. So I made him suture raw chickens, and did all of his real surgical procedures for him without incident and followed all the rules and was never credited for my work but he was.”

“You’re hilarious.” Teddy laughed, “Come on, tell me something good, give me the juicy gossip.”

“I was serious.”

“What? He made you do all of his surgeries? Who was this? Does the chief know?”

“Well not all of them. When his hand would start to shake or cramp up he’d look over at me and we’d find reasons for me to step in.”

“Because he refused to admit he needed to fix his hand? Cristina that’s not okay, who was this? He worked at SGMW?”

“Burke didn’t make me do it. We did it together. He was the best; we didn’t want patients to go to someone who wasn’t as good just because he couldn’t operate.”

“Wait Preston Burke? So, you were dating the guy, and he was putting your intern year at risk because he was, what too proud or- arrogant? To admit he needed help?”

“You know what’s a funny story? Porn guy.”

“You’re changing the sub- porn guy?”

“Yeah.” Cristina sighed wistfully at the memory,

“Porn alleviated his pain. We thought he was nutzo. Turns out it was true. And the hospital lost power, and I had to make up a dirty story to tell him while my so called friends, George and Alex, got to do surgery on a heart in the elevator.”

“Alex as in, Karev?”

“Mhm. Well, apparently he just stood there staring at the guy. O’Malley’s the one who stepped up. Bambi was good. Not me.. but good.”

It was hard to think about George. She wouldn’t go around telling people, she hadn’t even talked to Meredith about it. George was the first person, at what was formerly Seattle Grace, that she had told about her dad.

They were in the Dead Dad’s Club together; they had an understanding. As much as he was Bambi and the guy who cheated on his wife with his best friend and the second year intern and 007, he was also the guy who knew what it was like to lose a Dad.

And the guy who knew what it was like to hide who you are. George was bi. Every time someone thought he was gay he’d annoyedly defend that he wasn’t.

But all the comments got to him and made him reflect on his life and when he realized he was bi he didn’t confide in Izzie because things were weird and then fine but then she got cancer, and he didn’t confide in Meredith because they were fine but telling the girl that you’d gotten so mad at for having a bad sexual experience with your sexuality seemed kind of weird, and he didn’t tell Alex because he didn’t want him to be right.

But he did tell Cristina because she told him about her dad when his dad passed and she didn’t need to and he felt that lingering connection that pulled for him to trust her with it.

At his funeral she slipped away as everyone was leaving to tell him they might not be so different.

Then when she figured out she was a lesbian the first person she told was George. That’s why she went to Meredith’s crying that night, she’d gone to the cemetery to tell George and it really sank in that he’d never know he wasn’t the only queer person in the group.

He’d never know what it felt like to be in love with a man who also loves him and he’d never know it wasn’t just him that was gay.

(He knew Callie was bi too but they hadn’t discussed their love lives much before he died, and he’d barely gotten to meet Arizona.)

She would never openly admit it just because, but she loved George. And she missed him.

“Okay, that was actually a good story. They really did emergency surgery in an elevator?”

“Yeah! I got stuck with porn guy while my friends were right in front of a heart with no way to escape. Just them and the heart. It was totally unfair. I could’ve helped! I know more about cardio than all of them combined.”

“You were one of doctor Bailey’s interns, right?”

“Yup. Those were the dark times. No rain for the well, broken lantern in our little stone shack, aka the intern locker room, we survived only on- Derek and Meredith drama and apples from the cafeteria.”

“Funny.”

“Bailey’s the best. She was tough, but, really understanding. She doesn’t take shit, and yet she still gave us leeway when stuff happened. And trust me a lot of crap went down, I mean, a lot. I don’t even know how so much happened in one year. Jesus.”

Teddy nodded in understanding. Her time as an intern was crazy too. Nothing like what apparently was going down in Seattle, but, crazy in its own right.

“Want some more wine?”

“Nah, I have to drive home at some point. Oh, crap. My cars at Joe’s.”

She’d been having such a good time, she forgot that Teddy had driven them here.

They had long since passed the actively drinking wine period and had their glasses set on coasters on Teddy’s coffee table.

“When do you have to go in tomorrow? You’re on my service, right?”

“I better be. Bailey will have to pry Cardio from my cold, dead hands.”

“Well since you’re going in at the same time as me anyway, do you want to just sleep here? I only have one bed because I turned my other room into an office. But I have extra sheets! For the couch. And pillows! It’ll be fun. Like a sleepover, except we’ve got surgeries in the morning.”

“Oh, I don’t wanna impose.”

Cristina’s eyes scanned the room.

Teddy reached over and put her hand over Cristina’s, which was resting on her thigh, as she sat almost stock still on the other side of the couch, Teddy’s couch, tensing at the touch.

“It’s not an imposition. Never.”

Shoot me with an arrow. Not the Cupid kind, but an actual real arrow from a cross-bow or something. Shoot me and let me apologize for it but don’t ever move your hand.

Teddy pulled back suddenly, quickly, as if she had been burned, yet she showed nothing but concern in her features.

“Shoot, I’m sorry. Was that okay?”

Cristina snapped out of it, though she hadn’t fully registered that Teddy’s arm was back in her own space.

Her head snapped up in Teddy’s direction, mortified for the thought about the arrow that Teddy couldn’t even hear.

That and Teddy’s hand had been on hers and it made her anxious but not for the usual reasons she gets anxious when people touch her without permission.

Maybe she’d given Teddy permission already, somehow, without either of them knowing it.

“Huh? Oh, right, yeah no. Don’t- worry about it.”

“Okay? Do you need to borrow some clothes? It can’t be comfortable sleeping in jeans. Here, I’ve got some sweats I can give you. They might be a little long since you’re kind of short- no offense, but I’m sure they’ll be fine.”

“…okay.”

What.

“Great! I’ll be right back.”

The woman stood from the sofa and made her way towards her bedroom.

She returned with a pair of what looked to be Roxy brand sweat pants, with the brand name written down the side of one leg in olive green calligraphy font,

“The sleeves might be a little long.”

along with a hood-less sweatshirt with ‘UT Southwestern Medical School’ on the front.

She handed them to Cristina,

“Thanks.”

“Of course. Bathroom’s down the hall first door on your right, if you wanna change.”

Cristina nodded and hopped up off the couch to do just that.

“I’ll just put these glasses away and go get the sheets.”

The blonde picked up the wines glasses off the table and moved past her friend, heading towards the kitchen.

Cristina found the aforementioned bathroom and quickly changed, but didn’t leave.

She leaned on the counter with the palms of her hands and looked at herself in the mirror.

The sleeves were long enough that she could’ve rolled them up, but she chose not to.

She’d just be aware of them and the feeling of them folded over putting pressure on one spot on her arms and it would probably drive her crazy.

Admittedly, these clothes were much more comfortable than her jeans and fitted leather jacket,  but she felt impossibly aware of them.

Every time she’d move and a bit of the fabric of a sleeve that wasn’t previously touching her arm hit her skin she was reminded of the fact that these weren’t her clothes.

They were Teddys.

Teddys Teddys Teddys.

They smelled almost overwhelmingly like a specific perfume, as if they were worn often.

Cristina briefly wonders if either of the articles of clothing are favorites of Teddy’s.

If she picked them off the top of a drawer because she keeps them within reach, or if she had to dig through to find them because she doesn’t ever grab them.

Or maybe, if they’re buried in a drawer because they’re so important to her.

Were they in the back of a closet or the front. Is that good or bad. More or less important.

Sighing, Cristina finally decides to head back out, grabbing her clothes which she haphazardly folded only because this wasn’t her place, and she didn’t know what her, boss, afriend?, (they were friends), would think of her and her balled up pile of clothing.

Teddy was holding two pillows in her arms and bringing them to her couch, which was covered with a sheet, and a blanket that looked warm on top of it.

Teddy noticed the brunettes prescience as she set the pillows down.

Cristina was standing in the middle of the space between the hallway, the living room, and the kitchen. The sleeves of the sweatshirt dangling just past her hands at her sides, the sweatpants dragging just slightly on the ground.

The blonde smiled, a real, deeply genuine smile that seemed to hold the world inside of it.

Cristina shifted awkwardly under the intensity of her gaze, crossing her arms over her middle as she stood there practically being studied by Teddy.

She might’ve thought she looked ridiculous. Under normal circumstances maybe she’d even comment on it.

Right now she didn’t have half the mind to care.

Not when Teddy was looking at her like that and she was wearing her clothes and the room appeared to shrink and expand as she breathed and Teddy was simultaneously too close and too far away.

“Those workout okay?” Teddy said eventually.

“Yes. Thank you.”

What else was Cristina supposed to say.

‘I want to live in your skin and be understood and known by you but I also want to crawl into a hole and slowly merge with the dirt and the plants as I decompose.

My bones trapped by vines and leaves knotted up to resemble a heart in my chest cavity.’

No frickin’ way.

If this is what liking someone actually feels like, she’d rather die.

Well, that’s a little intense, but she’s never felt like this about someone before, and she doesn’t know how to handle it.

It’s sort of weird, sort of stressful, and she sort of feels like a plant.

Whatever that means.

“Great! Well, you’re all set here. This is the warmest blanket I have, but if you’re still cold let me know. Uhm, you’ve got two pillows, the fridge has a water dispenser- glasses are in the cabinet. And, yeah, that’s about it! If you need anything I’m just down the hall, but, I will leave you to it.”

Teddy clasped her hands together and turned on her heels towards the hallway.

“Teddy, wait.”

“Hm?”

She turned back, expectantly, eyebrows raised in question.

“….. Nevermind.”

“Okay? Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Teddy nodded and turned around again.

“Wait!”

“Yeees?”

“No- forget it.”

Wow, deja vu much.

Except this was almost the exact opposite of her trying to tell Meredith she was engaged to Burke.

And no one was going to spontaneously fall into cold water and nearly drown to death.

Hopefully.

“Are you okay? Whatever it is you can tell me. No judgement, I promise.”

Although, nearly drowning doesn’t sound so bad right about now.

Yeah, she could tell her,

But what if she doesn’t feel the same and I’m out here, on her couch, all night knowing that she knows, and what if she’s mad? Or worse what if she hates me and wants me gone and I have to walk home now in the fucking cold. I’ll get hypothermia and probably die and no one will come looking for me because I’m sure I’ve pissed them off somehow too, and-

Cristina’s breathing became erratic and she began twisting her wrists back and forth in her hands, as her mind brought up different scenarios of how this could go horribly wrong.

“Yang?”

Without thought, Teddy reached out for her, only to be met with resistance when her hand went to Cristina’s bicep in an attempt to assess what was wrong.

“Okay, okay.”

Cristina pulled away from her, before she could do so herself, and backed up, putting distance between them.

She craved physical touch when she initiated it. She did.

Usually with select people she was okay with touching her. Usually when she needed a specific amount of pressure to stop the frazzled nerve ends buzzing around inside her.

Only in specific ways.

Once Meredith put all of her weight on her as they lied on the carpet in Mer’s living room, and that was helpful.

But Cristina thought it was kind of weird that her best friend was completely sprawled out on top of her, so she got Izzie to do it for her, but that was weird because it was Izzie, and she was having too much fun teasing her about it and she wouldn’t stop wiggling (which was just completely unhelpful on top of being annoying), and George and Alex were absolute no’s.

So even though Meredith offered to just do it because it wasn’t that weird (not for them at least), she resolved to get a weighted blanket.

She did all the research on the appropriate size and weight for her, and how much was too much so that she wasn’t unknowingly destroying her lungs and ribs.

She didn’t need to slowly be crushed no matter how much she needed to feel that heaviness.

Once she started using her blanket it was like she understood what calm felt like. And she thought she knew calm.

Her limbs felt secure as if they’d spent her whole life trying to figure out what to do and where to go and how to be positioned correctly so that she looked casual but not forced casual.

She wishes she had the thing right now, but it’s on her bed in her apartment across town, where it’s sat for days since she mutually broke up with Owen.

She could finally use it without it having to be bunched up on one side of the bed because Owen didn’t need it and most importantly didn’t enjoy the inability to move his limbs. It made him feel trapped whereas Cristina felt as though she’d never been more free.

The leg restriction thing did bother her sometimes though. She will admit that. (Sometimes it’s just for the torso upwards.)

“Cristina, you’re okay. You’re safe. Breathe.”

Cristina sucked in a few floundering breathes. The air was sharp given that Seattle was often pretty cold, and it felt good to breathe it in deep in her lungs.

It was like a semi-melting ice bath for her respiratory system.  (In a good way)

Not so cold that it’s full-on icy and jagged and hurts, but not warm by any means.

Really, this had been building up for a while. Ever since two days ago, when she had been with Bailey checking in on their patient.

She was used to the usual comments about her being a robot, or a machine, or having to “practice being human” by her friends, colleagues, and even patients.

But this particular one cut deep. It wasn’t like any of the usual comments.

It had been a not so subtle swipe on the idea that she just needed a “good man” in her life and she’d be happier.

That maybe she was a “Groucho” because she  had a man, Owen, and they broke up and she needed to find a new one. She’d confided in the patient very loosely, only vaguely answering her questions about her love life and if she had anyone with “I did but we- broke up.”

It wasn’t necessarily a homophobic remark, the woman had asked specifically about a man and Cristina answered and wasn’t about to clarify that she didn’t even like men, as recently discovered, to some random woman.

But it still felt off. And it bristled her and stuck with her all day.

“What can I do?” Asked Teddy, concern evident in her tone.

Cristina shook her head then, clutching the sleeves of the sweatshirt covering her biceps. Trying to create the pressure she needed on her own. But either it wasn’t working, or she just needed more than she usually did.

Either way, she couldn’t stand here under Teddy’s concerned gaze any longer. She already believed she’d ruined Teddy’s night, she didn’t need to put another thing on her that she wasn’t expecting or prepared for.

So she bolted for the bathroom, leaving Teddy standing there, dumbfounded; at a loss.

She wanted to reach out and try to help, but Cristina was gone faster than she could move to do so, or remind herself of Cristina’s no touch thing.

The brunette was going purely on her need of escape from the situation, and only had half the mind to shut the door, not even thinking of anything else except this whole night being over.

Maybe one of if not the most embarrassing moment of her life. And mama Burke had walked in on her in lingerie in Burkes hospital room!!

If she was in a different headspace she might consider if that story is as embarrassing now, given that she now knows she doesn’t like men, and she never has to see the woman again (hopefully).

She slid the thenars of her palms over her ears somewhat harshly, in a repetitive motion, for a few moments before turning the right handle on on the sink, and letting the cool water run over her hands.

She didn’t bother turning off the faucet or drying them when she sat down on the floor, her back against the single-cabinet/ sink combo.

Thankfully it wasn’t one of those stupid bathrooms with wood or god forbid carpet for the flooring.

She’d learned the technique from her stepdad after her dad died.

A grounding technique to feel the earth and know you were there, and real, and breathing.

The tiles were cool under her hands as she let the feeling zap her back to a less pin ball machined state.

She had to pull it together, because this wasn’t a side of Cristina that Teddy knew. She didn’t know if it was a side that Teddy would want to know. And Teddy signed up for a night of fun to get away from the stress of work.

She didn’t need this. This isn’t why Cristina was here.

Maybe Teddy wouldn’t mind it. Or maybe she would, and the great cardio duo would have to disband.

As ridiculous as that sounded, she wasn’t gonna take her chances.

“Cristina?”

Teddy called, gently, from the other side of the door,

“Everything okay in there?”

Door knob. Towel rack. Soap with the little fish in it. Was that three?

Another grounding technique.

“Cristina?”

Oh god-what if Teddy thinks I’m totally insane. She probably does. Stellar job on that one Cristina.

Why did you bring up Burke? What the hell is wrong with you?

She’s going to see how broken and messed up you are and not want you on her service anymore! Maybe she’ll actually leave the hospital for good now because she thinks you can’t operate, and there’s no reasons to stay this time!

Or maybe her and Owen will finally get together, yeah. They’ll get together and not want you around and you’ll end up in peds, or worse, vagina squad and their pink scrubs.

Oh god. What if the chief fires you because you can’t work in your specialty?

How are you supposed to be a future renowned Cardiothoracic surgeon if you’re a pink scrub wearing mentor-less failure who can’t even go one night without fucking everything up?!

You need to calm down or Teddy is going to leave. Like everyone leaves.

“Cristina?!”

“You’re either born simple, or you’re born me.”

“You’re a robot. You’re a freaking robot.”

“You’re a robot.. you can take it.”

“Just for a minute, I need you to try to be a human being.”

“You’re right Cristina. In the contest to see who can be the best robot, you win.”

“Cristina who has to practice, talking like a human being.”

“Cristina!”

Teddy reached forward and gently pulled her hands away from her hair, where they had been settled in a death grip.

They were mostly dry now, and her hair was damp.

Cristina’s eyes snapped up, widening. She registered that Teddy’s voice had in fact gotten louder, because she had come in at some point.

The door was half-way open, and the consistent sound of the running sink was now gone. It was quiet again.

She hadn’t realized it had been turned off.

Teddy was kneeling in front of her friend with both of her hands clasped in her own, holding firmly but not so tight it might hurt.

It was grounding Cristina, maybe even a little better than the techniques were right now.

Not that she’d be the first to admit it. Not that she even knew why.

Her instinct to pull away wasn’t there; she was fully giving in to Teddy as if her touch was magic. As if it was the key to ending the nightmare that was this evening.

In a less over the top sense, it felt nice.

It was good and comforting and not at all painful. Which was fucking weird.

“Cristina, you’re okay. You’re safe. Breathe.”

And- oh yeah, she was breathing kind of hard.

“That’s it, slow, deep breathes.”

Cristina followed her demonstration, breathing in and slowly, breathing out.

“Good, that’s good. I’m gonna let go of your hands now, okay?”

Cristina nodded, though hesitantly, and Teddy slipped her hands away from the hold.

It felt like an emptiness. A loss of something that she never really had in the first place.

She could feel the phantom sensation of where Teddy’s palms had been on hers after she pulled away.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

And Cristina could spill her guts right now, tell Teddy everything and possibly change their whole dynamic forever.

But..

Hesitantly again, she shook her head. No.

“Okay. That’s okay. We don’t have to talk unless you want to. Either way, totally cool with me.”

“Light.” Cristina cleared her throat, “The light, could you turn it off?”

Teddy nodded, unfazed by the seemingly random request, and reached up to flick the switch.

She then moved to sit cross-legged beside Cristina on her left, not too close that they would bump into each other if either of them moved, but not far. Not far at all.

Emboldened, Cristina reached over and pulled Teddy’s right hand into her lap. It almost staved the empty feeling.

The blonde smiled. She didn’t dare pull her hand away, or move from her spot. She let Cristina have it, let her absentmindedly fiddle with her fingers as they remained in silence.

“You think I’m insane.”

“What? No. Never.”

“Yeah right,” Cristina smiled self deprecatingly,

“I totally freaked you out.”

“I’m gonna be honest I have no idea what’s happening right now, but I would never think you’re insane. And you didn’t freak me out. Worry me? Sure. But freak me out? Not a chance.”

Cristina would allow herself this moment of vulnerability. Putting up a front where she was fine all the time was exhausting, and she briefly wonders if maybe it isn’t worth it. Because this is scary and uncomfortable, but it’s so, so nice.

The air is calm, and there’s no awkwardness to create a gap between them.

Cristina doesn’t look up at her.

“My dad used to do this.” She starts,

“He’d hold my hand and wait for me and he was so patient. He would always say ‘cris, don’t let anybody try and change you, don’t you ever let someone else take away your light. You are just as you’re supposed to be. You’re the sunshine and they are the clouds. Don’t let the clouds dim your light.’ And I never really knew what he was talking about, but he called me sunshine, and it would make me smile and feel better.”

Teddy smiled bitter sweetly.

“I wish he was here.” Cristina admitted.

“He sounds wonderful.”

“He was.”

“When did you lose him? If you don’t mind me asking?”

“When I was nine.”

“What happened?”

And the thing was,

She’d never actively wanted to share what happened.

Ever.

She’d been willing to when a situation arises where it might give some understanding of herself to someone else. Like when George’s dad died and she was trying to, in her own way, let him know he wasn’t alone.

But she’d never wanted to before. And not a lot of people knew about it because she was so closed off on the subject. If they did know they probably didn’t know the story; how he even died. And that wasn’t something she was keen on sharing with just anybody.

Teddy wasn’t just anybody, it seemed.

“We were in a car accident, I tried to stop the bleeding in his chest but it wasn’t... I felt his heart stop beating.”

Her grip on Teddy’s hand got tighter.

And Teddy got it, understood what it felt like for a heart to stop. She was a Cardiothoracic surgeon after all.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It was a long time ago. I try not to let it- consume me. I’m sorry- god this is so stupid.”

“Don’t be sorry. There isn’t anywhere I’d rather be tonight than on the floor with you.”

“Really, you wouldn’t rather be in an OR right now or- sleeping?”

“Wellll. Between you and the OR, I pick you. Sleeping though? I don’t know.”

“Thanks.” Cristina rolled her eyes, a hint of a real smile making its way onto her face.

“Who am I kidding,” Teddy smiled, matching Cristina’s, “I’d rather be here with you if I had to choose.”

“Gee I feel special.”

“You are.”

What.

Cristina froze, her grip on Teddy’s hand stilled and she could feel each twitch of her muscles   where their hands had contact.

“Hey for the record, this isn’t stupid.”

It took a moment for Cristina to reply,

“It’s probably going to happen again.”

“Okay.”

“If we hang out again? God if you even want to. It’s sucky and I guess I’m kind of complicated, so I get it if this is a one time thing.”

“Hell no. Cristina, you’re a badass, okay? I totally want to hang out again. This is not a one time thing. I had a great time earlier and if you think you messed something up because of all of this, you didn’t.”

“Yeah?”

“Absolutely. And you’re allowed to have bad moments. Hell, I have them from Allison and my parents, and the army. we’re allowed to not hold it together every second.”

“This isn’t just a bad moment, though. This isn’t my PTSD, this is like, a once a week thing, at least. Well not this, this is…”

My big fat crush on you

“And sometimes, it’s worse. Stupid things that don’t affect anyone else will set me off and- I’m not an easy person. I can’t promise I’ll be up for all the small talk or this, right here,”

Cristina pointed between them,

“This sentimental heart to heart crap? It’s not my thing.”

“Then we won’t do small talk or, sentimental heart to heart crap.”

“Well it’s not all small talk, just the stupid stuff.”

“Then we won’t do stupid small talk. Whatever you want, we’ll do it.”

Cristina considered that.

“Seriously?” She asked, hopefully.

“Seriously.”

A wave of affection washed over Cristina, followed by a wave of safety and possibly something else.

“Teddy, I-“

She took a breath, she had to tell her. She didn’t know why but she suddenly had to tell her,

“I really like you. You’re a hard ass attending who won’t always help me in surgery because you’re trying to help me learn. And you’re, like, an actual cardio god. And you can swing a bat which, is really hot. And, earlier, at the bar? You had your arms around me, and,

I just kept thinking, I really don’t want her to let go.

But then I thought, oh god, I really don’t want her to let go. It was- I felt like I could actually breathe or something, I was so comfortable. Which isn’t normal for me. It’s actually frickin’ weird. But, good weird? And- Teddy- I really, really like you,”

“Cristina-“

“And I know you want Owen. I know that. And I’m sorry. But I know if I didn’t tell you now I never would, and, When you were going to just leave, it hit me. That I needed to stop being an idiot and pretending I was in love with Owen, when, I really, really like you.”

“Cristina. I don’t want Owen.”

“What?” Cristina kept her eyes fixed on the divide between the wall trim and the tile,

“But I thought-..”

“I thought I did, but, when I was going to find him to talk to him about it, I ran into Arizona, and she pulled me into a whole different conversation. She was talking a mile a minute about how stupid she was because, she had some fight with Callie? She kept going on about the -right- person. How she needed to stop taking Callie for granted.

So I asked her, how she knew that Callie was the right person.”

“And?”

‘it turns out, the right person isn’t the person you go back to just because they’re familiar, or easy. No, the right person is the person you’d be most excited to go to when you get, big news on a patient, or something good happens, or, anything. And you’d be most excited to pass by them in the wings unexpectedly, because your day is so hectic that it’s like a one in a million chance that you’ll even get to talk to them, and, maybe you find yourself running into them on purpose.

They make you better, and, they make you want to be better. They aren’t the person who’s easy to walk away from after a fight, they’re the type of person where, you can get mad, I mean outrageous fights about nonsense or serious stuff, and still want to come home to them every night’.

“Oh.”

“Cristina. I keep finding myself running into you on purpose.”

Cristina’s grip on Teddy’s hand tightened,

“Oh.”

“And-, when I tried to leave, I wanted Owen, but I didn’t want Owen because I wanted to be with Owen. I thought I did, but really I just, wanted my friend back. I wanted the guy who used to team up with me in soccer matches on base, and for things to be like they used to be when I could talk to him without it being all weird. I wanted him but I didn’t want him. I just, thought I couldn’t have that if you and him were together.”

Teddy sighed,

“I really like you too, Cristina. I didn’t plan on it, I wasn’t trying to it just-, snuck up on me, I guess. You snuck up on me.”

“You have no idea.” Cristina half mumbled.

“Oh, I think I do.” Teddy teased.

“Wha- shut up.” Cristina shoved her hand away playfully, grinning.

“What are my odds that if I ask I’ll get a kiss tonight?”

“What.”

What what what what what what what

“I was serious, I really like you, Cristina. And I’d really like to kiss you. But I don’t want to pressure you. You can decide, it’s okay. I’ve wanted to for a while, but, god I think I’d actually wait forever if it meant the person I got to kiss was you.”

“I.. you know it’s not that I don’t want to. I really, really like you. I just don’t know if I- I mean I’m kind of a mess right now, and it usually takes me a while to fully get back to myself after these.. but, maybe, you could come closer? I don’t bite, contrary to popular belief. Don’t listen to what those idiot interns tell you.”

Teddy chuckled,

“Sounds good.” Teddy extended her hand out, “It’s all yours, if you want it.”

Cristina glanced at the outstretched hand.

“Actually, could you.. hold me?” Cristina cringed outwardly at the word choice.

“Not like that. Meredith usually does it. The pressure- it’s secure, or whatever. Another doctor showed it to me. It like, regulates the nervous system? I don’t know how it works. I thought she was crazy at first but I think she’s actually a genius.”

“Of course.” Teddy said softly.

And that’s how Cristina found herself wrapped up in Teddy’s arms on the floor of her bathroom, with damp hair and eyes that threatened to close.

Cristina sighed, allowing herself to be held and for her brain to shut off for a minute.

A nice break from the constant mile a minute stream of thoughts and anxieties and stress that filtered through every day.

“I’m sorry about earlier.”

“What?”

“The Burke thing. I deflected, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I brought it up, I hate talking about it.”

“All good. I shouldn’t have assumed anything.”

“You were right. We did the work together, but he was an Attending and I was an intern. It wasn’t okay. Some of my friends hated me for it, but they didn’t understand. It was complicated. And I wasn’t even mentioned in the frickin’-“

Cristina sighed,

“Actually I don’t- really want to talk about it, if that’s okay?”

“More than okay.”

Cristina was very aware of how close she was to Teddy, I mean she was basically in her lap, outstretched in the space between her legs with her back against her, while the blondes arms were wrapped securely over the front of her.

She was too tired to move, or care to do anything but relax. And she was so relaxed. She was never fully relaxed, but right now it felt like this could be what that felt like.

“Is this okay? Is it too tight or..?”

And since Teddy was asking..

“Tighter?”

Teddy squeezed tighter without question; Cristina melted further into the hold.

All of her buzzing energy and stress and frazzled nerves, that felt like the zappy animations in a Jetsons cartoon,  were stilling, leaving in place a calm she wasn't used to but welcomed gratefully.

"why do you like me?" It came out of nowhere. Faster than they could settle into silence.

"You want all the reasons?”

“Just- why me? I didn’t do anything special. At least- I don’t think so?”

“Cristina, you don’t have to do anything for me to like you,” Teddy chuckled,

“I like you because you’re you. And for many other reasons, but mainly that one. Isn’t that enough?”

“Is it?”

“I think so. No, I know so.”

“How do you know?”

“I just do. That okay?”

“But I’m just-“ Cristina attempted to gesture to herself with her arms pinned down by Teddy’s own around her, “me.”

“Well I happen to like ‘just you’. Although I don’t so much enjoy you talking about yourself like that. You’re amazing, Cristina.”

“It would really help if you gave me more reasons than ‘because you’re you.’” Cristina said, with such a genuine tone, and Teddy could hear the vulnerability behind it.

It was all she could do to give Cristina a more clear cut answer.

“I like your witty remarks.”

“My witty remarks?” Cristina breathed out a laugh, “that’s what you came up with?”

“Yeah. I guess it’s more like-, snarky comments? But they’re funny. You’re hilarious and I don’t even know if you’re trying to be. You just are.”

“Oh. I retract my statement then.”

And Teddy would’ve laughed at the silliness of the reply, if it hadn’t actually sounded really sincere and not like she was trying to be sarcastic or a little bit funny.

They sat in silence for a while(comfortable, Cristina might add. The silence was maybe incredibly too comfortable), just existing in each others prescience as Cristina slowly but surely became less overwhelmed, until eventually she was out cold; too tired to fight sleep.

Teddy didn’t want to wake her, so she used her upper arm and core strength training to haul them both up, and carefully carry Cristina to her room.

(If Cristina was awake she’d definitely have feelings about that)

Somehow Teddy didn’t think Cristina would be too comfortable sleeping on the couch.

And moreover she didn’t want her to.

(She’d spent a fair enough time picking out a comfortable couch for her apartment, but a couch could never be more comfortable than an actual bed unless that bed was made of nails or the couch was made up of several good mattresses as the cushions.)

Teddy carefully put her duvet over her, and decidedly went and got the warm blanket she’d left in the living room too.

She didn’t know if the brunette got hotter or colder at night, but it was one of the colder nights in Seattle, so it was a safe bet that she might appreciate it.

They hadn’t really talked about what they were now or anything. But Teddy was going to take a page out of Cristina’s dad’s book, and be patient. At least for tonight.

In the dim light of her room, illuminated only by the moon coming in through her curtains, Teddy could take a moment to observe the woman who was now curled into herself in her bed.

The night had taken an unexpected turn.

But in the end, she thinks, it was a good turn.

A turn for something new, something good.

She’d gladly sit on every floor, in every place, and do this all over again, for the girl in her bed.

The girl with the sarcastic remarks and will to be the best in her specialty, who cares so much, it’s just trapped inside. The girl with the curly dark brown hair and eyes that lit up whenever she got to be apart of anything related to Cardiothoracics.

The girl who was always on her mind no matter what kind of day it was. The girl that was stealing her heart one minute at a time, and getting away with it.

“God, you’re beautiful.”

Teddy whispered it, like a prayer. Like the words could stay tucked into the moment, floating around in the comfort of her bedroom, between her and the moonlight.

Cristina was out like a light, blissfully unaware of the world around her. For the first time in years.