Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! This sucks
“I don’t have another way to tell you this but you’re a bitch and I love you but I also slept with your twin brother because I thought he was you but you can’t leave me because I am pregnant with your baby!”
“First off I’m a girl, and second”- a ringing slap was heard in the air- “HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A BITCH! And third of all” - a second slap rang out- “How are you pregnant when you’re a guy?!”
Snape thought these drama shows were trashy and unrealistic and by all means desperate. These people could not possibly go one day without screwing up some aspects of their lives and the “plot twists” that so ever entranced the audience and promised another season were almost always stupid additions to the story that absolutely no one- and he means NO ONE needed.
Though he supposed that was life. Take his for example. He was an amazing person,- “Severus, I can’t believe you tried to poison a student! Harry Potter no less!!”- an excellent teacher- “are you aware that less than 50% of your students scored marks that weren't slightly above passing on your exams? And the only students who did were all Slytherin?”- and a gifted wizard- “the youngest potions master in Hogwarts history, amazing!” See that last one was true.
And despite these totally realistic components of life, Severus himself was dealt with things he didn’t need. He didn’t need the potter boy in his class. He didn’t Dumbledore to be such a dick about it. He didn’t need to go to this teaching seminar and he without a doubt did not need a Poseidon.
What’s a Poseidon you might ask? It’s an annoying bundle of energy that feels the need to stick with you at all times possible whether you want it to or not. The reasoning for why may vary. Snape thinks it’s because he hates him.
“Oooooh is this Épreuves du cœur? I love this show!” Poseidon’s chipper voice once again resonated in the tiny apartment and Snape felt the sudden urge to throw his head into the nearest wall. Repeatedly. At this point Snape feels he should be used to it, seeing as it’s become a regular occurrence these past 2 weeks. Snape doesn’t know how he keeps getting into the apartment since Snape himself sure as hell didn’t give him a key. He would be more alarmed if Snape wasn’t already a very skilled wizard more than capable of protecting himself. Also maybe something compelled him to not to immediately call the police the first time he woke up to Poseidon climbing through his tiny window. Maybe something other than the chocolate chip cookies he brought with him. Something more. Something destined and binding. Something...no he was just hungry.
If Poseidon noticed Snape’s disdain and reminiscing he didn’t show it and instead made an exaggerated motion of throwing himself onto the couch and evidently onto Snape as it was not a big couch and Poseidon was making no efforts to conserve space. The woman on the television continued to cry and slap her partner as he listed off more and more secrets he had been hiding from her, each more ridiculous and offensive than the last.
Snape couldn’t concentrate however (he kinda didn’t want to at this point but eh) as the man on his lap decided to start wriggling as much as possible while acting out the scene in front of him. Why he did this Snape would never know because as soon as his annoyance reached ‘Imma poison a child levels’, Poseidon leaped to his feet and turned off the telly.
“Oh that’s fine I wasn’t really watching it”, Snape's words were dripping in sarcasm and his eyes were glaring daggers into the black-haired man’s head but he didn’t care.
“What’s your name?”
The room went silent and for good reason. It had been 2 weeks since Snape had drunkenly met Poseidon and took him home that night. 2 weeks since they had woken up together the next day and after a very humiliating (at least for Snape) breakfast went their separate ways. 2 weeks of corny jokes, and breaking and entering, and hot flashbacks that Snape couldn’t quite grasp, and trashy drama shows and late nights and stupid feelings and he didn’t know his name. He didn’t know his goshdamend name.
Snape wanted to hit something. Poseidon looked expectant. Maybe he could hit Poseidon.
“Please don’t hit me and just answer the question because I can’t keep calling you Sexy in my head and I've never actually addressed you”. How did he do that? “One of the world's finest mysteries”, “stop”. Poseidon's eyebrows are wiggling widely and Snape hates how unaffected he is by his icy tone.
If Snape's life was a soap opera, or at least these past few weeks the lead writer would be fired for never properly introducing the characters to each other. Like seriously who forgets that? Apparently you, he thought mockingly. God, he couldn’t even be nice to himself.
“It’s Professor Severus Snape”
“Okay Slippy like the pet snake I had when I was 4”
“You know damn well - wait snake?” Snape’s tone had taken on a questioning form and his face was muddled in confusion and a hint of annoyance. Poseidon was smiling like a child on Christmas morning and dramatically draped himself over Snape’s legs as he began his tale.
Snape wanted to say he was listening. He wanted to say that he was hanging onto every word about how Poseidon’s father was super mean and didn’t let him have anything (“Not even fucking sunlight, Slippy!”) and how when his long lost younger brother was reintroduced to the family and helped his other siblings get removed from their poisonous home, (“I’m not kidding, stomach acid is no joke”) Poseidon was finally allowed to have things in life and one of the first friends he made was a snake of which he had promptly named Slippy as whenever he picked him up he would slip right out of his hands. Despite the obvious holes in that story and questionable childhood events, Snape wasn’t paying attention. Because he didn’t care.
He was still reeling from being compared to a snake, which by the way that story never mentioned how he came into play. By the time Poseidon had finished his epic tale, he was brushing Snape's hair affectionately as if he could see the snake. As if he was the snake. Snape was not a snake (don’t do drugs) and he told him so.
“Well I know that silly, but look at you with your greasy black hair and sharp crooked nose and venomous personality that barely anyone other than me can stand. Face it Snape, you’re a snake- no, more than that…” Poseidon's voice was now little more than an excited whisper as he leaned in far too close to Snape's ear. “You’re a Slippy”.
That’s it.
Pushing Poseidon off his lap he slinked towards the kitchen, expression dark. “What are you doing?”, Poseidon called after him but Snape wasn’t listening. He needed a good cup of tea and he needed it now. He could hear Poseidon shuffling in the background but wasn’t paying attention. His cheeks were burning and his breaths were coming a bit heavier than they were supposed to. A strange warmth was spreading through him that he couldn’t quite put to anger or annoyance like he wanted to. Reaching for the cups and tea bags he tried to calm himself down. Feeling his heart steady he took a deep breath and turned around.
Shit.
Sea green eyes bore into his and Snape couldn’t help but note the slight strands of blue and small ring of silver lining his pupils. “Are you okay?”, Poseidon asked and from this distance, Snape could feel his breath on his skin. It smelled like apple cinnamon and Snape made a note to get some cinnamon apple candles for the apartment later.
Pushing back Snape felt his waist hit his kitchen counter and Poseidon’s hands came to rest on either side of his hips. Snape’s eyes tried to travel down to Poseidon’s hands but caught up on impossibly pink lips, they looked so soft. Forget being calm Snape was just hoping not to explode. Can my heart beat any faster? Is that even possible?
“Are you okay?”, Poseidon asked again and this time Snape noticed the concern in his eyes. Wow, that hit different. When was the last time someone was worried for Snape? Cared for his well being? Saw him as more than a weird, crooked oddball not worth anyone's time other than to be despised and cursed?
A hand caressed Snape's cheek and he shivered at the touch. “T-tea” he stuttered as a loud whistling filled the air, assaulting both their eardrums and effectively ruining the moment. The sound of his own voice seemed to snap him out of whatever trance he was in. Snape didn’t stutter, that just didn’t happen, especially not over some boy and a little concern. Though it did feel nice, a voice whispered in his head. Snape told the voice to shut up.
Pressing his palms to Poseidon’s shoulders,- he’s lean- he gently pushed him away and went back to his tea making, grabbing some cream from his fridge. He didn’t register the slightly hurt look on Poseidon’s face but it didn’t stay long anyway and, quick enough to give someone whiplash, he was back to the happy-go-lucky chap that had been plaguing Snape's life recently.
“Can I have some?”
“No”
Poseidon whined at the refusal and the banter seemed to flick a reset button between the two. It was like the moment never happened and Snape grappled with his slight disappointment. He didn’t want that, god he didn’t even want Poseidon.
Taking a sip of his now finished tea Snape smiled into the mug at the pout on Poseidon's face. Cute, he thought, and then the world went dark and Snape was falling forward.
It happened so fast Snape barely had the chance to note his sudden drowsiness or how the “cream” he had grabbed was not cream at all and had in fact been labeled ‘Draught of living death’. Of course, he mistook the most intense sleeping potion in existence for cream. Of course, he kept a very important and dangerous potion in his fridge with his other ingredients. Of course, he was such an idiot. Of course, Poseidon was looking at him with those big green eyes filled to the brim with worry. Of course-
And then he was asleep and Poseidon had just managed to catch him before he fell.