Chapter 1
The wind is cold, even freezing, and you're not very dressed for such a weather, but you don't feel cold. You don't care. You look into the sky thinking that life is a bit like the flowers that bloom in your chest. Painful and cruel. And yet....You cough violently, ejecting a rose whose petals deploy admirably. And yet infinitely beautiful.
Innocent, too. Who would suspect that this beautiful flower is slowly killing you, like others who grow in your lungs? The most innocent things in life can be the most deadly.
You've been spitting flowers for two years.
The first time this happens, you're in grade five. Merula recently suffered the crucio spell, and you can''t stop thinking about it. If you could've prevented him from coming, you might have avoided him. You know deep down that you're not responsible, that Rakepick's traitor is, but you can't stop blaming.
Merula may be your enemy, but you never really hated her, she hates you. And in reality, you wish no one such suffering, enemies, strangers or friends.
That night, you fall asleep thinking about Merula. The next day, there are petals on your pillow.
Your friends are waiting for you in the Great Hall. You're quickly removing the flowers. No one knows, and that's much better. Nothing can save you and you don't want to hurt them. You don't want their pity either.
You read somewhere that the sorcerer with your longest-surviving disease had lived for 14 years since his first spit of flowers, isolating himself away from the loved one. Fourteen years is more than you need to say goodbye to life ( twelve years, more accurately, since you've been sick for two years already.)
You'll only tell your friends when you're too weak to pretend. Before that, you will live a happy life, surrounded by your friends, your family. Almost all of your friends... You miss Rowan, but after all, you'll join her sooner than you expected.
At first, you don't pay attention to it. They're just petals, maybe it's accidental magic, or someone brought flowers back into the dormitory and petals are spread, no matter, there's surely a logical explanation. You go down to your friends and you don't think about it anymore.
But, a few days later, Merula makes a mocking remark, as she usually does, and it doesn't make you feel the same way as usual. You answer him vertically, but your throat tickles you and you cough. Later, in the bathroom, you're still coughing and you realize you've spit petals. At first, you think it might be a harmless, stupid spell, you don't tell your friends about it because they have other problems than a joke they made you. But not only does the spell not fade, but it gets worse, you spit more and more petals and more and more. It's getting hard to hide your condition. When, one day, you spit a whole flower, you admit that something really is wrong.
You always smile at your friends. You listen to Penny talking about the Outstanding she got in potion, and Tulip and Tonks about the joke they made to Filch. It was difficult after the events of last year to try to live a normal year. You have to keep telling yourself that the last cursed cellar has been opened, that it's over now, that Rowan won't come back... You know it's hard for your friends too, but you're not doing too badly. You focus on studying, and the little pleasures of a simple life in Poudlard, safe, without mysteries. ( Strangely, you miss it a little, but you're happy that your friends aren't risking their lives anymore. You don't worry about yourself, since you're already doomed )
After spitting an entire flower, you do research in the library. You're having trouble finding information, but you're finally finding a book about Hanahaki's disease. That's exactly the symptoms you have, but the sick person is supposed to have a love that he thinks is unshared, and you don't love anyone that way, it seems to you. But that's the only thing that fits your symptoms. You decide to put this story aside: you have enough to do with the Cursed Vaults, you'll see that later, or if it gets too worse. You still learn the most useful information:
-The person affected will spit petals and then flowers that grow in his lungs, until death if he does not act.
-If the beloved makes the feelings of the patient, the flowers disappear.
-There is a surprisingly easy operation to remove flowers, but the patient will lose all feelings towards the loved one. He will feel for this person only indifference.
-The life of the sick is between a few months or a few weeks, at a maximum of fifteen years (and isolating yourself far from being loved)
-The disease affects only 4% of the population.
Since you don't love anyone, it's probably a mistake, you think. It must be a spell, and you'll soon see Mrs. Pomfresh. But you don't have the opportunity because, later, you see Merula in the distance with a first year that seems very impressed. She almost smiles, and she's beautiful under the sun. There's a strange sensation in your chest like every time you think about it and a sharp pain in your chest makes you shake. That's when you realize.
Shit.
You're in love with Merula.
You've been sick for two years and you've managed to keep the secret, but you have to be careful, because it's getting worse and worse. That's why you decided to avoid Merula carefully this year. The year will soon be over, and you will be able to pass your NEWTs and go far, far away from Merula and soothe the burns in your chest. You can live for years, try to convince yourself.
You never tried to tell Merula about your feelings: you're sure she hates you fiercely, and her rejection could cause you to spit flowers and die. Especially if she makes fun and tells the whole school. No, the safest way to live as long as possible and avoid it and run away as far as possible with your friends at the end of the year.
After your realization, the disease continues to spread. You've managed both well and hard to put it all aside and focus on the Cursed Vaults. The end of the fifth year passes, the sixth year comes and goes.
And then Rowan dies in the forbidden forest.
You weren't in love with Rowan, so the flowers don't grow and you don't spit any more than usual, but pretending to feed your pain, you notice that spitting it is more painful than before.
The rest of the year is in a state of limbo. You're climbing the Circle of Khanna. You end up stopping Rakepick and the rest of R. Your brother is going to travel to France. Without you noticing it, it's the end of the year, and nothing has changed, yet everything has changed.
You lost a friend, you solved the mystery of the cursed cellars, arrested R. You have to live a normal last year now, and focus on your future.
When you're 17, you decide to have surgery in the greatest secrecy, since you're a major. You go to St Mungo but by looking at the extent of the disease, and when you tell the magical disease specialist that you've been sick for two years, he tells you something that makes you change your mind.
You have waited far too long for the operation, and even if it is always possible, you risk losing not only all feelings for Merula, but also the friendship you feel for your friends, love for your family.. And you will never be able to feel any love again. It's just a possibility, but you refuse to take the risk.
Losing your feelings for Merula was already difficult for you, because even though they only hurt you, it was a wonderful feeling to love in this way, something difficult to lose. But knowing that you won't love anyone again is impossible for you. You don't want a life of indifference, you don't want a life without love. So even if the specialist tries to convince you, you refuse and you leave the hospital.
You're continuing your life as if nothing is happening, as if you're not going to die soon. You know it'll hurt your friends and family, but you prefer that they know you dead by loving them rather than alive but indifferent.
But one day an incident occurs in the Great Hall. You sit with your friends, talking about everything and nothing, when you hear a familiar voice speak to you.
"Then Ivanova, it seems that your brother goes to the United States after France. Even he doesn't love you enough to come back and see you?"
You turn around ready to reply but you don't know what to say because the pain in your chest suddenly increases, and you won't soon throw up flowers. So you do the only thing that comes to your mind to avoid spitting flowers in front of the entire Great Hall: you run.
You turn around and run, without looking surprised at Merula, without hearing your friends scream at her. You run away, and you lock yourself in a toilet, the closest you've found. You barely shut up, you lean and throw up flowers, you cough, you feel like it's never going to stop. Flowers irritate your throat, there is time for petals all around you and suddenly you start spitting blood in addition to flowers.
When your crisis calmed down, you look at what you vomited, you see the blood in the middle of multicolored flowers (you spit all sorts of flowers)
Shit. It's not good, it's not good at all. Maybe you won't live years after all. You have to avoid Merula even more if you want to survive this year.
You find your friends and tell them you were hurt by his words, and you didn't know what to say. You're a little pale, and you feel Penny's suspicious look at you, but they don't ask you any more questions and they change your ideas.
You really love your friends.
A few days later, unfortunately, another incident occurs in Potion. You work quietly trying to ignore the presence of Merula right next door, and the empty place where Rowan was, when your enemy makes a remark to you, that you will be a burden to your friends if you continue to be so null in class, because you will never find a job. Flowers flow back into your mouth and you ask the teacher for tight teeth if you can go to the bathroom. He has to see something on your face, since he accepts, which is really not Snape's habit. You go out quietly without seeing Merula's anxious gaze from the room, but once out you run, rushing into the nearest restroom. Then you throw up flowers, lots of flowers, and you see in horror that there is still blood. You stay here the rest of the hour spitting flowers and blood, and stay shaking and pale, leaning on the toilet, and so much if you have a detention because of that.
You get up at the end of the hour, remove the contents of the toilet, and then head to the room to get your things back. Your legs are weak, and while you're in the middle of the corridor, you get a weak access. You may have lost more blood than you thought. You're missing consciousness.
Penny's voice comes to you, and you realize that you're on the floor in the middle of the corridor, and Penny's there, worried, asking you what's going on, why you're so pale. Then you crack and tell him everything: Your feelings for Merula, the disease, the flowers, the impossible operation, and you expect her to be angry, but instead, you're both crying, and she tells you that everything's okay, she's here, everything's fine. You know it's a lie, but you're trying to believe it, just for a moment, and as she hugs you and says, "I'm here now, everythings will be fine" you almost believe it.
You have an hour of restraint for staying in the bathroom all the time, but it doesn't matter. Penny now knows, and you regret telling her, but she keeps your secret, even if you catch the fearful looks she throws at you when she thinks you don't see her. You keep avoiding Merula carefully.
One day, Penny's waiting for you in a hallway, she's taking you to a remote corner.
"You have to do the operation" she says, and you see despair in her eyes.
"You know I can't."
"I prefer to see you alive and you don't love me rather than see you dead!"
"But I'd rather die than be indifferent forever..I don't want to forget the love I have for you, my other friends, Jacob, I don't want to forget the love I have for Rowan..I don't want a life without love, Penny." Tell yourself on the edge of tears.
"So you're gonna die because of her? It's not fair, I've already lost a friend, I don't want to lose you too, especially because of M.."
It interrupts because a suspicious noise sounds nearby and you see Merula who obviously was trying to listen to your conversation. You're exchanging a horrific look with Penny. What did she hear?
"What are you doing here? Go away Merula!"
Says Penny
"This place doesn't belong to you, I have the right to go wherever I want in the castle," she replied, but her voice is not as biting as usual, and she looks at you with her eyebrows. You turn her eyes off and you hurry to leave with Penny to join your other friends who surely await you. Later, Penny whispers you tears in her eyes that she will be there until the end.
In May, things get worse with a third incident. You're in the Great Hall with your friends. There are a lot of students present, but most of them don't pay attention to you. Tulip talks about the joke she made that earned her three hours of detention, but "was worth it for the head that Snape did." Barnaby talks about animals and he took care yesterday. And Merula comes to break the peace by approaching you. At first she's not aggressive, almost friendly, but you're tired of spitting flowers all night so you lose patience by raising your voice.
"What do you want, Merula?!"
We're looking at you. You should avoid this confrontation, hurry to go, but you don't. Merula, not appreciating the tone you are speaking to her, raises the tone too, and without you knowing how, you both say regrettable things, you speak of her parents, she of your brother, you hear vaguely your friends defending yourself and trying to calm the situation, you now have the full attention of the Great Hall, (where then are the teachers and what they do, mystery.) but they n Can't stop you in time, because Merula suddenly says, "Too bad it wasn't you who died instead of Khanna in the Forbidden Forest !"
Silence welcomes his statement. She went too far, you both did. Realizing her words, she bothered a little and opened her mouth but nothing came out, and she wouldn't have had time to talk because you cough, lean and spit a whole flower covered in blood at her feet, and suddenly the silence is deafening. Then whispers are added. You raise your head and see Merula who has her mouth open and looks horrified. Your friends look stunned. Only Penny doesn't look surprised since she knew and she's the only one who reacts:
"Natalia.." she says as she walks towards you, but you panic completely, and the flowers haven't finished wanting to go out, so for the second time in your life you are fleeing the Great Hall.
You hear Penny calling you and the sound of him just starting out, but you don't know everything and you run to throw your flowers in the toilet, the flowers and the blood. You cough and spit blood of petals, whole flowers, your throat is blocked, you feel it's never going to stop, you have trouble breathing. The pain in your chest is unbearable. Flowers in you grow and grow at an appalling speed and come out, you can't stop vomiting these flowers. You barely realize that Penny arrived at a certain point and that she caresses your back and tells you that everything's fine, even if she cries.
Whenever the crisis almost seems to be over, you think of Merula's words and you're all louder. Too bad it wasn't you who died instead of Khanna in the Forbidden Forest.
Penny talks to you but you don't understand what she's saying now, you're tired, you're hurt, flowers are so many, everything's blurry around you.
When you regain a little awareness of your environment, you don't always, exhausted, on the floor of the toilet. Penny's over you, she's helping you get up and makes the flowers go away. As you pass the mirror, you're extremely pale, and a drop of blood spilled from your lips' corner to your chin: It makes you look like a vampire. You wipe it out quickly and get out of here.
Penny takes you to the infirmary and you don't have the strength to protest and say that she can't do anything for you, which Penny will say that Mrs. Pomfresh can fall asleep to relieve the pain. (You've had this discussion several times already.)
The nurse doesn't seem surprised to see you: someone must have informed her of the incident in the large room. She puts you on a bed, scolding you for not coming sooner. She gives you a potion to ease the pain, another to make you sleep. There's nothing more she can do, you know that. You let the potions work and go into a deep sleep.
When you wake up, your friends are there. Not all of them: Mrs Pomfresh hasn't allowed them to be many, but they come in small groups throughout the day. Surprisingly, they're not too mad at you. They're a little angry that you didn't say anything, and that Penny didn't say anything either, but they're more worried than angry. They urge you to tell them who is responsible for your condition (you assume they did the research or that Penny told them about Hanahaki's disease).
When you finally tell them, they're appalled. They don't blame you, feelings aren’t in control, but they have little hope.
They want you to tell her anyway, but you won't. Rejection would kill you, you're already so weak. Tulip in particular insists: she says that maybe Merula doesn't hate you, because of looks she would have surprised, but you're not convinced.
When you feel well enough, you go in class, but most of the time you stay in the infirmary. It's getting harder and harder for you to get up when you have to, you cough and throw up flowers too often. Exhaustion has become your permanent condition.
The end is near, and it's a long way from the twelve years you wanted, but you take comfort in knowing that you will die surrounded by your friends. Your only regret is that you won't be able to say goodbye to your brother: they sent an owl to warn him, but Jacob is in the United States, so it may be too late when he can come back.
Strangely enough, Merula comes to see you often. She sits next to you and talks almost friendly to you. If she wasn't Merula, you'd think she was worried. But her visits make you feel worse, because you can't help thinking that she doesn't love you as you love her, even though maybe she doesn't hate you completely because she visits you.
You also think about what she said to you in the Great Hall. Too bad it wasn't you who died instead of Khanna in the Forbidden Forest.
And then Merula apologizes. Well, not really, but it's the closest thing to an apology she's ever gotten.
"Sometimes I say exaggerated things that I don't quite mean." She says to hello.
"Is that an apology?"
"The most powerful witch at Hogwarts doesn't apologize!"
You laugh a little before you wince because it hurts.
"I accept your apology, Merula."
She doesn't answer.
One day, she comes with a book that she puts down brutally (Mrs.Pince would have had a cardiac arrest).
"That's it, isn't it?"
It's the book on Hanahaki disease. You nod and look away.
"Who?"You roll your eyes, she hasn't made the connection between your seizures and your arguments apparently.
"It doesn't concern you."
"Oh, come on. You're the curse breaker at Hogwarts, everyone would want a date with you." Her voice is a little shaky.
"No, not everyone."
"Did you tell this person?"
"No, I haven't."
"Then why don't you?"
"It doesn't concern you. Please let me sleep."
"But..."
"Merula. Please let me sleep."
She gives you a look full of a strange emotion, a mixture of anger and something else, and then rushes out.
Her visits continue.
She's stalking you to get you to do the operation. You've told her you don't want a life without love, but she's stubborn. She admits that she overheard part of your conversation with Penny, but that she didn't understand until you spat flowers in front of her and she found this book on Hanahaki's disease.
One day you crack. You can't take it anymore: you're weaker every time she comes, even if she's friendly. She's still nagging you to find out who the person you love is, when you throw hard.
"Stop visiting me!"
"What? Why should I?" She looks almost hurt, and it still hurts your chest. But is it the disease or just your feelings?
"I can't take it anymore!"
You're totally cracking up.
"I can't take it anymore, do you hear me? 'Cause every time you visit me, it's killing me, Merula, do you understand? I can't take it anymore!" You're still coughing and struggling to catch your breath.
"It's you, Merula. It's you visiting me when I know you hate me is killing me. Literally, literally. You're feeding the fucking flowers in my lungs."
She looks at you without a word, looks stunned and then whispers in a small voice.
"I don't hate you." You laugh bitterly.
"But you don't love me like that, do you?"
She shakes her head for herself as if she thinks you're extremely stupid, an indecipherable look on her face. Then she says in an almost affectionate voice:
"Idiot."
Then she kisses you.
She kisses you and you feel like you can breathe normally again. You respond fervently to her kiss, then you break up and for the first time in a long time you're not out of breath because of the flowers, but something else.
"I like you, silly."
She doesn't look at you and there's a slight flushing on her cheeks and you know it's true.
Then suddenly you start spitting out flowers, lots of flowers, and you can hardly hear Merula's worried voice yelling in the background, "I said I love you! Why are you still spitting out flowers?! Isn't this supposed to be over?"
Then the crisis ends and this time you know the flowers will never come back.
"It's over," you say in a hoarse voice to Merula.
She takes your hand.
Things are not yet perfect: you have lost a lot of blood, your throat and lungs are flayed by the passage of these flowers, you are still weak. But, for the first time in a long time, you allow yourself to think that things could get better.