Chapter 9
September 1990
You absentmindedly wiped down the center table as the classroom cleared out.
Most of the students gave you cautiously cheerful goodbyes as they left. They noticed the tension that had grown after the brewing session. You knew it from the sympathetic looks a few had given you and were glad they had kept to themselves and didn't ask.
Now the room was empty but for the two of you.
This wasn’t going to turn out like the incident with the fourth years- you weren’t going to run away. The words you were going to say to him had turned in your head as you had helped the class bottle potions, fill and stack crates, and clean up. You took a deep breath and faced him.
“This whole little scheme of yours is just completely ridiculous and I don’t know what you were hoping to prove.” You started, feeling the anger rising in your throat, “I knew being in potions and working with you would be difficult, but you’ve been treating me like some little fledgling first year since the term began and I’ve honestly had enough.”
You paused and took another deep breath, trying to keep control of the emotion in your voice. But the words started falling out fast and pained and you couldn't stop yourself.
“I have been trying to make this work. I’ve been trying to be helpful, trying to help you, and you turn around and pull this shit? You told that student, that kid, I’m a nobody? That I don’t belong here? And then you pit her against me to, what, try and show me up? Put me in my place- are you out of your mind? If you really have that big of a problem with me being here, you could have just told me; or better yet, go straight to Dumbledore. Tell him that, despite my best efforts, you are just too stubborn or proud or whatever to have someone in your department who is only trying to help!”
Snape’s face remained expressionless as you poured out your frustrations; he let a tense silence hang heavy in the air before he spoke. “You're right,” he started slowly, deliberately, “I did pit you against Bonume.”
Snape’s admission felt like a sucker punch, and your hands reflexively balled into fists.
“You can’t be serious, how could you be such a– “
“Quiet!” he snapped, before the insult left your mouth.
“I simply told Miss. Bonume that, as a new professor, it would be prudent to see where you stood in ability. What better way than to see how you fared against my most exceptional pupil?” Snape waved his hand dismissively with a scowl. “The rest of that inane blathering were her own presumptions.”
It took you a moment to take that in. He hadn’t just been openly belittling you to the students? That was something at least. You weren’t exactly inclined to believe him, but what else could you say? There wouldn’t really be anyway to prove that he had.
“Honestly, you didn’t have to say a word. Your attitude towards me and the fact that you planned this ridiculous little ‘test’ with her was enough. All she had to do was fill in the blanks.”
You didn’t wait for his response and crossed your arms against yourself defensively. “Why? Why bother to do this at all? Haven’t I proven myself yet? All the work I’ve done, putting this department together before the term- before you even got here. I’m sure you didn’t notice that all those old beaten-up cauldrons had the dents taken out and were scrubbed clean. Or that all those rusty burners were replaced with new ones. And all this week, I’ve plowed through all the work you’ve given me, and I’ve done it without a single mistake or complaint, but apparently even that isn’t enough for you. So please help me to understand why.”
“You want to know why, eh?” Snape said it with clear disdain, and his eyes narrowed. “I thought I recognized you, after finding you and Dumbledore mucking about in my classroom after hours last week.”
“What? You were spying on us?”
“It’s not spying if you're trespassing into my classroom,” his eyes flashed. “I had my suspicions, but they were confirmed when I had you recreate that elixir in my office. I remembered that potion, as I remembered you. A whimpering little fool daydreamer always off in your own little world. Never feeling like you had to work hard; always just so sure of your natural talent. Pure arrogance.” He spat out the word with contempt.
“Slughorn had told me about a promising witch in his third year class, exceedingly bright and talented. Once I took over for your fourth year, all that ability must have vanished– none of your work was ever more than just passable. You were much too busy with your own little inane fantastical projects; too busy to be bothered to put in the hard work, to learn true mastery. Your presence in my class was a waste.”
Resentful, indignant anger burned through you, and you could feel yourself start to shake from it. You had to turn away, pressing your hands to your face to keep the tears from falling. It took everything in you to not lash out and attack him with screams and curses. Who the hell did he think he was, speaking to you like that? Acting as if he knew anything about you at all? Snape didn’t know anything.
When you turned back to him, his cold, empty eyes were boring into you. You forced yourself to meet his stare and instantly felt the pressure from it; a pain that pulsed through your head. But you stood your ground, unflinching, and returned it– willed all of your pain and anguish into your eyes.
How could you tell him about that summer before your fourth year? When your brother had lost his sanity to Death Eaters who had mistook him for a different man. That they laughed and continued their torture even after they had realized their mistake.
“You don't know anything about me. About anything I’ve gone through–”
How could you describe the daze of your fourth year, all the pain and tears? Nothing seemed to matter, until you convinced yourself that the answer could be found in a bubbling cauldron. The hope that you could use your most powerful gift to save him pushed you on.
“I almost gave up after my fourth year, but I had to try. I had to pass the O.W.L.S- I had to make it to advanced potions– ”
Grades, homework, tests- none of it mattered. You had to learn everything. Every technique and skill that he drilled into your class. It was miserable work, but you had dutifully noted everything. The answer had to be there. Every spare moment was spent trying to find a potion that would clear the darkness in your brother’s mind.
“Maybe I wasn’t the best student, but you made it hell and I came close to dropping out so many times. I stuck it out because I knew that was where I needed to be–”
But it doesn't matter because I don’t owe you an explanation! The thought roared in your head. You just wanted to move on- to move forward without the pain and sadness.
“Maybe you’ve never made mistakes you’ve regretted, or lost someone who mattered to you. Either way, you can’t keep treating me like this!”
And at last, you saw Snape crack– he flinched, for just a moment, took a step back, and broke the eye contact with a snarl. His hand reached up to rub against his temple.
Dizziness instantly overcame you when he looked away, and you reached out to steady yourself against a table. Breathing hard, the throbbing in your head only made it worse– it felt like the entire room was spinning.
It had felt like a battle of wills, staring and waiting for him to say something. You glanced back up at him– he still held a hand to his head, but his expression returned to unreadable. On a better day, you could have been charitable, assume he was finding a way to apologize.
But there really wasn’t a chance of that happening was there?
“I think… I think it's for the best that I go.” the shakiness of your voice surprised you. “This clearly isn’t going to work out. You don’t want me here, and I’m not going to spend the rest of the year trying to prove myself. I’ll talk to Dumbledore first thing tomorrow morning about switching out of potions.” You grabbed your robe and walked out of the door without looking back.
This wasn’t how you wanted things to end. Coming back to Hogwarts was supposed to be a fresh start. But being around him was like fighting against the current. And you had already done so much fighting.