Voldemort slowly glided down upon Number 4 of Privet Drive. Harry Potter’s home, his last line of love via blood. The sister of the annoying woman, the girl, really, who had saved Harry. Awful business, thought Voldemort, that love. But he was here to personally kill the woman and finish off Harry once and for all, and he was alone. He blasted the door out of the way and waltzed into the entryway. Voldemort glided to the stairway and was about to make his ascent before-
WHAM!
Vernon Dursley had woken to a loud sound, his own bloody front door being burst open by some nasty burglars. If they were going to try and rob him, couldn’t they have at least been quieter? Vernon, still in a groggy state, grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be his bedside lamp. He took off the shade, unplugged it, and crept down the hall. An odd figure was walking so nonchalantly towards the stairs- how dare he? How dare he! Like he owned the place! He didn’t even own any hair! Who was this annoying man- oh. He was wearing a long robe, and was holding a long stick- he was a wizard.
No magic, not in his house, not tonight.
So Vernon Dursley jumped from the top of the stairs and wacked Voldemort on his head with a lamp, enough to knock him out.
“Ha HA!” Vernon shouted in glee. Harry and Petunia both hurried down the stairs (Dudley was still fast asleep) and the two saw the unconscious body.
“Bloody burglars,” Vernon grumbled, but couldn’t stop smiling an evil grin.
“Holy actually bloody fucking shit” Harry breathed, wide-eyed.
“Language, boy! No excuse to just begin that sort of language from you, young laddie, not in my house-!”
“Vernon, please, just shut it for one second, did you just knock that- man- out?” Harry sassed.
“Yes, what of it? And how dare you-“
“You just took down fucking Voldemort”
“Who?”
“Murdered my parents, a lot of people, muggles too, was essentially wizard Hitler- and you knocked him out with a lamp” Harry thought for a second. “Nice”
“Y-you mean, he- he did- he murdered-“ Petunia stuttered.
“Yep,” Harry yawned casually. “Oh shit! We should get help. Um, here,” Harry grabbed Voldemort’s wand, and took it back to his room and wrote several letters to everyone he knew. Basically about Voldemort was at his house, but mostly that his abusive uncle just fucking took down Wizard Hitler with a lamp and he was knocked unconscious on their nice carpet.
Downstairs, Petunia Dursley was making a lot of tea. Voldemort when came to, he came face to face with a beady-eyed middle aged man with a massive moustache holding a golf club menacingly.
“Now listen here, sonny, don’t be trying any funny business, none of those fancy card tricks, those flying wands and magic bunnies-“
“I’m sorry, who are you?”
“Well, snake man, I am the man who took down Wizard Hitler! According to the boy, at least,” the last part he muttered.
Voldemort was still in shock. Yep, this was worse than being killed by a one year old. A muggle was threatening to knock him out again, while some shit tea was being brewed behind him, and although it wasn’t the oddest thing, Voldemort kind of found it weird that Harry Potter gossiped about Voldemort to these people. I mean, he was famous, but it was still a weird feeling.
Also, ‘snake man’? ‘Sonny’? Really?
“Is that what you think magic is?” Voldemort growled.
“Yes, which is why I refused to pay for that old crackpot to teach card and pigeon tricks to that boy upstairs!”
“Dumbledore?”
“No, no, it was something like Dumder, or-“
“No it’s- it’s Dumbledore. And yes, he is a crackpot, he taught me back then”
“See! Even those in your stupid little club think he’s loony!”
“I- sure”
After several minutes of writing and copying letters, Harry sent them out on Hedwig and carefully walked downstairs to find a truly horrifying and gruesome sight.
Petunia and Vernon were sitting on the couch, sipping tea with Voldefuckingmort, talking about some economy bullshit and ranting about Dumbledore. Also both were being racist but towards different groups. And after hearing it, Voldemort sounded more accepting than Vernon, after all, any ethnicity, gender, or sexuality could be a pure blood, Vernon just hated everyone that wasn't like him.
The three turned and froze when they saw Harry on the stairway. He looked each of his three abusers dead in the eye, announced “Im gonna need a lot of therapy thanks to you three,” then walked back up and went to bed because fuck it.
At some point, Dudley crept into Harry’s room. “What- what was all that about?”
“Just wizarding Hitler getting it on with your parents, now get out of the room before I curse you because goddammit I’ve had it beyond here with bureaucracy, Moldy Voldy, and Petunes and Verny. And Dumbledore sucks too. Now goodnight, piece of shit”
And with that, Harry turned his back one final time on all of his various abusers and went to sleep.