Choice's Curse

I kept up my uneven, quick pace until I reached the ground floor of the castle, and I felt like I was finally able to pull in a complete breath. The corridors were still fairly crowded with students returning from their final classes of the day, so I did my best to wipe my face clean of any betraying emotions and I made my way through the throngs of people laughing and shouting in celebration of the last day of the week, trying to keep my steps normal, even though I longed for the safety and privacy of my dormitory. The journey seemed to take forever, my mind turning with what Malfoy had said, what he had done. To say I was confused was an understatement of massive proportions. I could not think of a single reason why he had wiped that tear off my cheek. It was so wildly out of character, so close to something resembling kindness, that it set me a bit on edge. Malfoy had to have done it for a reason; he never did anything that wasn’t thought out or planned. I had been sorry for slapping him, but I couldn’t deny it felt good. As I made my way up the stairs to the Ravenclaw common room entrance, I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d think the same when he inevitably returned the ill will. 

I was so caught up that I didn’t notice Hermione standing outside the entrance, her arms encircling a pile of books that hadn’t fit in her already full bag. 

“Elaine!” Her voice pulled me out of the pool of thoughts I had nearly been drowning in. “Merlin’s beard, I’ve been waiting here for so long.” 

I looked at her, resentment bubbling up in my stomach. “What do you want?” I asked, my voice a bit frigid.

“I wanted to talk to you. And I noticed you didn’t take very good notes in Slughorn’s, so I wanted to offer you mine.” She thrust out a piece of parchment covered in looped, black ink. I grabbed it from her, not bothering to put it in my bag. “Look, Elaine, Cho told me about your fight.”

I felt my jaw clench and my face turn stony, but Hermione continued. “She---she told me what she said and I just...I had to let you know we don’t think that. None of us.” I had never seen her so nervous. She was always so confident, so sure of herself, that this side of her was almost... unnerving. “I know I should’ve found you sooner, and I know I had plenty of opportunities to talk to you over the past two weeks, but--” 

I cut her off. “Yes. You did. But you didn’t. None of you did. Don’t worry, even I can understand what that means, Hermione, even though I’m not as bright as you or Cho.” I spat the words, and discomfort flashed in Hermione’s eyes. “I got the message loud and clear, so don’t you worry. None of you have to continue pretending you can stand to be around me.” I tried to push past her, but surprisingly, she grabbed my arm, her hand squeezing gently. 

“We’re not pretending. We never have been. Can’t you see that? We gave you space because...well, because when Cho told us what she said to you, we figured you wouldn’t want to be around any of us, least of all her.” She looked at me, her eyes bright and clear, almost pleading. “When she told us what she said, we were all disgusted. Cedric didn’t talk to her for two days, and I’d never heard Harry so angry, and---and I…” She trailed off, shaking her head. “Whatever you might think, we did defend you and Cho’s never been so sorry in her entire life.”

Pulling my hand out of her grasp gently, I shook my head. “I don’t think I can forget what she said and just get over it, Hermione. I really don’t. She said,” my voice broke and I winced, “She said exactly what Malfoy has been saying since our first year. She has been the person I’ve complained to, and ranted to, and cried to about everything he’s said, and the moment she could, she used those things against me. Don’t you understand how horrible that was? I trusted her, and she used every single insecurity and secret and worry that I’ve ever had to hurt me.” 

Hermione’s face was full of sadness and pain and I didn’t know if it was for me or for her or for Cho. “Please, come back. We miss you. Harry hasn’t been himself since that night. Ginny told me he just lost it one night after practice, when one of the younger players hadn’t put away their broom. Ginny had to pull him away to get him to calm down.”

Jealousy pulsed in my head as I thought of Ginny comforting Harry. He probably had forgotten all about me by now, probably was falling in love with Ginny at that very moment. It would make sense. They played Quidditch together, and she had gotten wildly beautiful over the summer, her long fiery hair now reaching her waist. That was who Harry probably really wanted to be with; a beautiful, strong, Gryffindor. 

“They’re not, you know,” Hermione said softly. “Together, I mean.” 

“Why would I care?” I shot back defensively, and Hermione just held her hands up as if to say sorry . 

“I’m not saying you do, Elaine. But if you did, I think that maybe you should go talk to him. To Harry,” Hermione suggested. 

I shook my head. “It’s going to take a long time for me to be able to be around Cho again. Sharing a room with her is hard enough. I go to bed late enough so that everyone is already asleep, and I’ve left by the time anyone else is up. It---it hurt, Hermione. More than anything has ever hurt me, and I---” I stopped, trying to reign in my emotions.

“I know. But I miss you. We all do. I haven’t had anyone to make fun of Ron with since you and Cho fought, and he’s getting a bit too cocky for his own good after that last Quidditch match,” Hermione joked, making me want to crack the tiniest bit of a smile, but I forced it down. 

“I-I miss you all terribly, I just… I can’t be around Cho. It hurts too much, and I can’t let her see that.” I realized, as I spoke, what I said was true. I hadn’t realized how horribly I’d missed Hermione, and Ron, and Cedric, and Harry. I’d not let myself think about him at all since we’d kissed, and I had assumed he had just moved on, because why would he want anything to do with me?  Hermione’s implication that he hadn’t, though, sparked the tiniest flame of hope in me, even as I tried to smother it. “If Cho isn’t there, I’d love to come back…” I trailed off, not wanting to say that they had to choose between her and I, mostly because I was far too afraid that they would choose her, and I’d really lose all of them. “If she’s ever not around, I’ll be there.” And I finally gave Hermione the smallest smile. 

Hermione grinned at me, beamed really, and she pulled me into a massive hug. “Wonderful! I have so much to tell you. So much has happened in the past two weeks.” 

I laughed for the first time in two weeks and it felt like a huge, crushing weight on my chest had been lifted, just a bit. “Let me just go set my stuff down and change and we can meet in the courtyard, by the big tree?” 

“Yes! Absolutely. See you soon!” And after a kiss on the cheek, Hermione was off, striding down the stairs to the Gryffindor common room. 

Entering my room, I nodded a hello to Luna, rushing to get undressed. I dumped my bag haphazardly on my bed, kicked off my uncomfortable school shoes, and tugged off my robe, then my sweater, and then my skirt, replacing them with a soft blue long sleeve, a large, black zip-up who’s sleeves came down to my fingers, and a pair of worn, tight black jeans that were beginning to fray at the hem. Pulling on my boots, I barely bothered to lace them before I was rushing back out of the dormitory and bounding down the steps, excited to finally have someone to talk to again. Maybe Hermione could help me make sense of Malfoy’s strange behavior today. 

Slowing myself down as I reached the bottom of the stairs, I strolled out into the courtyard. The grass had begun to fade from its emerald green to slightly sickly yellow, the sky was shot through with storm clouds, and the wind was biting, but had that certain nip about it that whispered of Autumn’s beginning. There were a few students milling about, but the tree that Hermione and I had agreed to meet by was unoccupied, and I made my way over, the grass crunching softly beneath my feet. I leaned against the rough bark of the tree, taking in the brisk afternoon for a few moments before Hermione came into view, and I waved her over. 

We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening catching up, and I had missed it more than I realized. She caught me up about what had been going on within the group, talking about this and that, before she shyly threw out, “And then, last night, Ron kissed me.” I had been weaving strands of grass together while I listened, but I dropped the blades in surprise and turned to face Hermione. 

“Ron kissed you?” I asked, surprised. 

Hermione nodded aggressively. “He and I were walking back alone after dinner, and he was being so strange, stranger than normal I mean, and suddenly he stopped, and I thought he was going to be ill because his face went pale, but then he just grabbed me and just kissed me!” She exclaimed.

“Bloody finally!” I grinned. “The git finally caught on, did he?” 

“I don’t know how it took him this long. I’ve been dropping hints since the first day back, and he hasn’t noticed a single one!” Hermione said, exasperated. 

I furrowed my face as if to say, Really? “Hermione, I love Ron, but he’s the most oblivious person I have ever met. You could’ve waved a banner inviting him into your pants in front of his face and he wouldn’t have noticed.” 

Hermione slapped my arm playful, and I rolled my eyes. “It’s true! I’m so happy for you two. Is it, y’know, official?” I asked.

“Well...I haven’t really talked to him since last night,” Hermione murmured.

“You have two classes with him, and he’s one of your best friends, so, what? You’ve just been ignoring him?” 

“No, no, but I just...that’s why I found you today. I needed to talk about it with someone and you’re the first person I thought of,” She explained. “I’m a bit confused.”

I gasped dramatically. “The great Hermione Granger, confused? I never thought I’d live to see the day!” 

Hermione rolled her eyes. “Shut up, Adler. You know what I mean.” 

“Well, I think you both need to go for it. We all knew this was going to happen sooner or later,” I said.

“It won’t be odd?” Hermione asked, nervously playing with her unruly hair.

I smiled softly at her. “No, not odd at all.”

And though I was still filled with anger and hurt, maybe Hermione wasn't the right person to direct it at. Maybe I could start by letting her in again, even as the idea scared me half to death