Holding Grudges
Things had nearly returned to normal, though I was still avoiding Cho at all costs and she had made no effort to apologize or make amends. It had been a week since I had hit Malfoy, since he had wiped that tear off my cheek, and he hadn’t said a word to me. He hadn’t even attempted to get back at me for hitting him, which made me more anxious with every passing day.
Maybe that was his goal.
Though Hermione and I had made up, I had only gone so far as to say a quick hello to Cedric if I passed him in the corridor, and Ron and I only made occasional, fleeting conversation in McGonagall’s class. I was still avoiding Harry. I told myself it was purely out of anger, but I knew that it was really that I was scared of what he might say, even though Hermione had told me he hadn’t moved on. Not that there was much to move on from.
It was one kiss; it didn’t last five seconds. Why should it mean anything to him?
It meant so much to me. More than I wanted to admit.
I was quickly, quietly making my way out of Charms and to my next class out on the grounds with Hagrid when I heard an all too familiar voice shout: “Adler, wait up!”
I whirled around, my heart secretly hoping it was who I thought it was. Harry’s ebony hair flew through the crowd, his steps long and wild as he bumped into numerous students, a few of which threw him dirty glances as he passed. Reaching me, he skidded to a stop, bending over to catch his breath before speaking.
Harry’s emerald eyes shone, his cheeks flush with activity, and he had a piece of hair that was brushing his forehead that I had to restrain myself from brushing back. “Elaine, holy shit,” He panted. “I’ve been looking for you. I’ve tried meeting you after your classes for two days now, but you’re always too fast!” He gulped down a deep breath. “Merlin’s beard. Anyways, I need to talk to you.”
I frowned, pursing my lips. I didn’t know if this was a good idea, but I stayed silent as an indicator that he should continue, too painfully curious to interupt him.
“I’m so sorry about what happened with Cho. I had no idea she could ever say those things. When I found out, I---I was so angry,” Harry punctuated the word with a clench of his fist. “And--and I didn’t talk to you because I didn’t know where we stood and I didn’t know if you’d even want to be around me and I didn’t want you to feel like I was forcing anything on you and--”
I cut him off. “Potter, shut it.”
Shock spread across his features, his nose wrinkling underneath his wire glasses. “I get it. Sort of. I stayed away because I was sure that…” I looked down at my shoes, the ground, anywhere but his eyes that were searching my face. “I just thought that you all thought what Cho told me. Maybe it was unfair of me, but I figured it was less painful to end things on my own terms, y’know?” I spoke in the most even tone I could, though recounting that night, I felt like breaking down.
“Elaine…” Harry sighed, stepping closer so that he could grab my cold hand with his warm one and fire laced up my arm at his touch. “I could never think any of that. I get why you keep secrets; I do, too. I don’t give a shit that the Hat wanted to put you in Slytherin, because...because it wanted to put me in there as well,” He confessed, his cheeks warm.
My face twisted with confusion. “Really? You?” I asked.
Harry laughed, a soft, musical sound that set my heart racing. “Yeah, me. I had to beg it to put me into Gryffindor. Ron and I had just become friends, and I didn’t want to lose him. My point is,” he continued, lifting my chin with his pointer finger until my gaze was level with his. “My point is, Elaine, I have feelings for you, and not because of any other reason than you. Your heart, your soul, your laugh, the way you squish your nose when someone does something gross, the way you see the world. Nothing could change that,” Harry said softly, and I was sure he could hear my heart beating through my chest.
“Well, then, Potter, I guess you’re stuck with me.” I said, even as the very thought of that made my hands shake. I didn't think it was entirely because of anxiety though.
Harry’s smile spread all the way to his eyes, and I leaned forward to brush the softest kiss against his smooth cheek, when I heard a very exaggerated retching noise coming from behind me.
“I think I’ll actually be sick this time,” Malfoy complained, nudging Goyle, who was standing there looking about as aware as a sack of rocks. “Look at them, the Boy Who Lived and his little Muggle toy,” He sneered, his voice full of poison. “Should’ve known you two would end up together. You’re both as repulsive and unbearable to be around. I feel sorry for the both of you.”
“Shut your fat mouth, you dick,” Harry shot back, stepping slightly in front of me, as if to protect me.
“I don’t think I will, Potter. And Adler, you can’t honestly tell me you like this, this,” Malfoy gestured up and down at Harry. “This pathetic excuse for a wizard.”
His face was still plastered with a disgusted look, his nose wrinkled with contempt, but I could’ve sworn there was an odd...dullness in his eyes, as if the fire of his words didn’t quite reach them.
“As a matter of fact, Malfoy,” I spat at him, squaring my shoulders and stepping out from behind Harry’s frame, my chin high and my face utterly cold. “Harry is the best wizard I know, and the best person as well, especially compared to you, so piss off before I make you.” The threat was empty, and I was pretty sure that everyone was aware of that, but Malfoy just stared at me a moment more, almost looking impressed, as if he was searching for something before pushing Goyle out of his way and storming off, the former trailing behind him like a lost puppy.
We watched Malfoy retreat, then Harry turned to me. “I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think about how this,” he gestured between us, “would affect the way that git picks on you,” He apologized, but it wasn’t necessary, and I told him so.
“Malfoy will always find new ways to torment me, and you as well. We can’t tailor our actions just so that he makes our lives less miserable,” I said, shrugging. “I truly don’t care what he says.”
I did, and more than I would ever admit to any living soul, but that didn’t matter. Harry walked me down to Hagrid’s hut, the air biting every centimetre of exposed skin it could find, making me shiver more and more as we climbed down the hill. We were walking in serene silence, Harry’s hand constantly brushing the back of mine, but the only thing I could think of was the look in Malfoy’s eyes during our exchange. Sure, his words had been awful, that was nothing new, but there was something missing in his piercing gaze that I had become so familiar with. He had thrown angry, hateful glances at me since we met, but that one was different and it bothered me that I couldn’t figure out what it was. I needed to figure it out, because I knew I wouldn’t be able to think about anything else until I did.
I chewed on my lip as I thought, the warmth of Hagrid’s hut slowly wrapping us up as we approached. We stopped just outside of the little group that was forming outside of Hagrid’s, Harry giving me a smile.
“Alright, Ms. Adler, here’s your stop. That’ll be...ten quid!” Harry joked, and I grinned, pushing his shoulder, the normalcy feelings almost overwhelmingly wonderful.
“Yeah, right, Potter. Like that was worth ten quid,” I replied.
Harry put his hand over his chest. “You’ve wounded me, Adler. I shall never be healed again!”
I let out a loud laugh, making some of the gathered students turn around and look at me, making me blush. “Okay, enough with the dramatics. You’re making a scene,” I said, though there was no fire to my words.
“The Boy Who Lived? Make a scene? I would never,” Harry retorted, giving me a feux-innocent look.
“Harry!” Hagrid’s booming voice loomed over us. “Great to see ya, but ya best be runnin’ along now! Wouldn’t want Snape gettin’ after ya for skippin’!”
We craned our necks to look at Hagrid’s bearded face, a streak of soot or dirt or something running across the bridge of his rather large nose.
Giving Hagrid a quick hug, Harry said, “You’re right. Probably shouldn’t get another detention,” shot me a soft glance, and made his way back up the sloping hill to the castle above.
Hagrid’s class passed quickly, and though I tried my hardest to listen to him excitedly go into detail about Flobberworms, I found there was much more interesting and pressing things to think about, namely my last interaction with Malfoy. It had been so odd, so... unsettling that I could not get it out of my head. The way his eyes seemed so dull and empty set me on edge, and combined with the way he had pressed into my space after Potions, the way that the sharp, warm edge of his cologne still lingered in the back of my mind, made me feel incredibly uneasy about him. Worried wasn’t quite the right word but...I didn’t feel right about it.
After an incredibly dull ninety minutes feeding beige worms pieces of cabbage and making menial small talk with two Hufflepuffs I hadn’t ever seen before, the class set up the hill, but Hagrid asked me to stay back, making up an excuse about needing help retrieving more cabbage for his next group of students.
Walking over to his little garden that was practically filled to the brill with all sorts of odd plants, Hagrid began loading up my arms with the cabbage, its scent nearly making me gag.
“So,” Hagrid’s deep voice began, “What’s goin’ on between you and Harry, eh?”
I blinked in surprise. “Er, nothing really, j-just, you know, friends, friendly-type things…” I trailed off as Hagrid gave me a stern look, one I had never been on the receiving end of before.
Hagrid motioned me to begin walking, his own large arms filled with cabbages as well now.
“Don’t much like lyin’, Elaine. ‘Specially when it’s about my two favorite students,” Hagrid warned.
Though my chest warmed at Hagrid’s affection, my stomach twisted with anxiety. “To be honest, I’m not entirely sure,” I explained, following Hagrid in dumping the foul vegetable into the creaky wooden crate in front of his homely hut. “I guess a lot more changed over the summer than I expected.” Finally free, I brushed the dark sleeves of my sweater off, dirt and dead leaves fluttering to the ground.
“Well, whatever it is, I’m happy for the two of ya. The both of you deserve some good,” Hagrid replied, a kind grin on his face.
I smiled back. “Thank you.”
My brain contested that I didn't, that I could never possibly deserve anything resembling true happiness.
Hagrid pulled me into a massive hug that might’ve recracked some of my ribs, the aroma of earth and something herbal enveloping me, and sent me off as he said: “Tell Ron and Hermione to come visit more, and Harry as well. I miss the lot of you.”
I nodded in response, trekking up the stone stairs embedded in the hill. Hagrid had been the closest thing to a kind father figure I’d ever had since I’d arrived. I had a sneaking suspicion he took both Harry and I under his wing because he knew more than he let on about our families, most likely courtesy of Dumbledore, but I never minded much. He had always been there whenever we needed him, and I loved him dearly for it. Thinking about when I first saw him made me giggle to myself as I finally escaped the bitter fall air as I entered the hallway, my nose and fingers beginning to sting back to life. I had just gotten off the train, and having lost Cho, I wandered aimlessly, no clue where I was supposed to be going, and as I walked, Hagrid’s giant shadow encased me. When I had turned around, my heart nearly stopped in shock at the sight of the huge man. At first, I had been terrified, but from the moment he opened his mouth, I knew he had a cuddly interior. Hagrid truly meant the world to all four of us, and Harry and I both would never be able to thank him enough, quite honestly.
Warm from the happy memories, I picked my way through the crowds and back to my dormitory, ready to take off my uniform and curl up by the fire. I solved the riddle quickly, and quite pleased with myself, I walked up the winding stairs to my shared room. I pushed the solid wooden door open, and stopped dead.
Cho was sitting on her bed, unlacing her shoes, her face plastered with an emotion I couldn’t quite name. This was the first time I’d really been face to face with her since the night she had yelled at me, had poked into each emotional wound I had, to hurt me. I considered just turning around and acting like nothing had happened, but I decided that I wasn’t going to have her think her words had actually done something to me.
They had, you coward.
I sat down on the edge of my twin bed, reaching down to remove my shoes in favor of soft black tennis shoes, as Cho’s flitty voice reached me.
“Elaine,” Cho said.
Though it was petty, I chose to pretend as if I hadn’t heard her and instead focused so intently on removing my shoes that I felt like I was going to burn a hole in them.
Cho raised her voice. “Elaine.”
Ignoring, ignoring.
“Elaine. I know you can hear me. Don’t be a child,” Cho chided, her voice sharp.
I let out a frustrated grunt, throwing the shoe I had just removed onto the ground, its collision with the wooden floor loud enough that Cho flinched. “This is the first time in three weeks you’ve spoken to me, and you insult me? Unbelievable,” I muttered, reaching for my other shoe. “I shouldn’t have expected any better.”
“I-I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant, I just---” Cho stopped. “Elaine, please look at me.”
Not bothering to mask the anger smeared across my features, I shot up a glare at Cho, her legs now swung to the other side of her bed so that she was fully in front of me. “You have to know how sorry I am. For all of it,” she said.
“Actually, Cho, I don’t know because you haven’t bothered to apologize for anything of the horrifically unkind and awful things you said to me, to the person you called a best friend,” I pointed out.
Cho, to her credit, looked incredibly guilty. “I know, I-I went too far, I just…” She sighed dejectedly. “I don’t know what came over me. Please, you have to forgive me.”
I widened my eyes in shock. “ Forgive you? For anything that you said? That is a bold request, Chang.”
“You don’t even know how awfully I felt the moment everything came out, but you didn’t give me the chance to apologize. You just ran off,” Cho said, a small frown on her face.
“Why shouldn’t I have? No one has ever been so terrible to me,” I responded.
That wasn't entirely true, but some wicked part of me wanted to make Cho feel even a sliver of the hurt that she had caused me.
Cho’s voice was quiet, insistent. “Please, Elaine. How can I get you to forgive me? I miss you.”
I sighed, running a hand through my thick hair that had fallen in front of my face. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I have to think about if I can even still be friends with you. I don’t even know you won’t do it again.”
Cho shook her head vigorously. “I won’t, swear on Merlin’s Beard.”
But still, I was hesitant. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss her, but I didn’t know if the loneliness outweighed the hurt she had caused me. I knew that a better person might just let it go, but I had a sour pit in my heart that refused to stop the grudge I had been holding.
“I don’t know. I just need to think about it,” I said. “I’ll...I’ll let you know either way.”
Cho let the tiniest bit of hope show through her eyes, and she nodded. “Okay.”