the beginning of this feeling
Lance knew what everyone thought of him already, but the little hope left inside of him was grabbing onto whatever it could hoping it could convince the rest of his troubled mind. If you asked someone in middle school when they started to notice Lance’s personality switch up, they would probably give an example such as when he used to do his old morning greetings as he walked by someone giving them a slight smile and wave which would make anyone feel at ease. Instead, all anyone would manage to receive from him would be a quick look in the eyes and a worn-out smile; if he even bothered to look up and acknowledge their existence. Some classmates didn’t bat an eye and only thought this was the result of their insane amount of homework finally taking a hit on him but the ones who did notice didn’t mean any good. They decided that the sudden change of their Mr McClain, school superstar, could benefit their own popularity as they began stirring up rumours about whatever nonsense they thought would be perfect to fall into a gossip circle. Lance paid no attention to the absurd things people said about him but that doesn’t mean it didn’t affect him. He would notice the side glances, stares, whispers he would receive as he entered a classroom as if he had turned into some unknown creature in a few days and didn’t deserve to be amongst them all. Ignore them, ignore them he would repeatedly say to himself but the classroom full of starring and snickering overpowered his own thoughts. It was only until he would hear his name being called out from across the room by a group of his old friends he would feel at ease.
The misunderstanding didn’t last for long as the boys who started it all got caught up in their own lies and everyone figured out it was all fake. It confused Lance how quickly everyone quickly switched sides as if they weren’t hoping for him to end up dead in a river near by a second before, but he went along with it believing if he spoke up and said anything it would all happen again. Everyone thought everything was back to normal even Lance but then he found himself unable to say no to people scared of what they would say and share to everyone else. He was lost, he found himself agreeing to things he didn’t even like or hanged out with people he didn’t even know just cause that feeling of everyone hating him made him hate himself. He slowly found himself ignoring his own responsibilities, family, friends just to get others approval. He lost his friend group and ended up forgetting he had people at home to care about. This wasn’t sitting well with his father or anyone in his family, their lovely family dinners always missing one, their chores lists being messed up as one forgot it even existed. Just everything that lance had to do at home he wasn’t, and he had to start owning up and suffering the consequences. His father would wait for him to get home, which was usually after dinner, and just shout as Lance came through the door leaving him no time to even register what was happening. His father would only tell him off for the things he wasn’t doing but as nothing was changing over time his father started losing his patience. He would grab Lance as he shouted at him hoping it would scare some sense into him, but all Lance would do was just shake. His own father grabbing and shouting at him about his own incompetence was affecting him. Every day returning home only to be disregarded by the rest of his family and left to have a one-sided screaming match with his father was making him contemplate his place in his family. Was everyone just ignoring his father’s actions? His own mother, the one who he looked up to most, the one who he loved most, just deciding to toss him to the side to deal with his father by himself. It wasn’t making Lance feel loved at all and he started to isolate him self at home, away from the people who claimed to love him but ignored him at all costs in case they turned into a mess up like him. It didn’t even matter what he did nobody would notice and his siblings slowly started getting used to Lance not participating in any activities. The only things Lance used to find himself doing when he got home was sleeping. He always arrived after dinner meaning he missed out on his mum’s homemade food, but he never thought to heat up some leftovers or make a quick snack and only just to go to his bedroom. This became Lance’s routine every night, arrive home late, stern talking to by his dad and if unlucky a little grab or smack somewhere, but it never went further and then he would drag himself to bed maybe cry if he had the energy left and fall asleep. He became exhausted and didn’t have the energy for anything. Lance’s father was noticing his growing attitude but not his sudden lost of interest in everything.
Everyone was growing impatient with Lance and he soon found himself not trying anymore, he stopped listening to everyone in school, blocked off everyone and stayed with himself. Emails were going home with Lance’s refusal to do work and ignoring teachers, but he didn’t care he just didn’t care anymore but his dad did. It was a normal day for Lance, and he was making his way back home a bit later then usual as he decided to stop off and buy a lollipop. He walked along the roads feet scraping across the rocky ground watching the cars slowly drive by wishing by chance one would swerve into him. Streetlights flickering on as it hit 6:30, the warm yellow glow hitting his face making his eyes brighten up as if all happiness had been stored back into him. He was harshly biting the lollipop and when he had devoured it all he nervously started biting the stick. Lance was feeling more nervous than usual and dreading to even enter his house as he could imagine his dad waiting to shout at him, as he twisted the door handle, from the report cards he had received this afternoon. Lance fully well knew he was failing everything he just didn’t find any point in it anymore if he didn’t even imagine him self with a future what did he need perfect grades for? The bright headlights from a passing car caught his attention and he was suddenly faced with his dad’s car pulling into the driveway. He cursed under his breath reminding himself not to get too caught up in his thoughts or else he would have missed his house and been even more late. The sound of his father’s car door slamming shut rang throughout the now bare street with only Lance him self standing there ignoring his father’s glare. Lance carried on moving forward towards the door hoping his dad would be able to save his disappointment for inside the house and not to let the neighbours hear how much of a screw up he was; but his dad had other ideas as he slammed his fist onto the top of his car. Lance quickly spun round and was met with his dad’s ruthless glare. Lance knew what was coming all the shouting he would receive for his bad grades, but he was caught off guard as he realized he was on the concrete floor with a painful sting on his cheek. He couldn’t help the tears that started to fall as the pain on his cheek grew and slight cuts from the rough floor cut his tanned hands. Lance looked up hoping the gaze he once saw on his father’s face was no more and was replaced with a sense of regret for hurting his son but no, there stood his father, towered over him, his hands were in fists as if he was restraining him self from hurting Lance any longer. Lance cried and cried on floor in front of him, but his father’s gaze didn’t change at all. After that day Lance didn’t utter a word at home and never once to his dad, he hated living at his so-called home and wanted to leave but before he knew it his days of middle school was coming to an end and secondary was starting and his every day of living hell would continue.
Lance’s secondary life was the same as middle school nothing really changed except from a few different kids in his classes. He still paid no attention to anyone around him as he wanted to get this over and done with and still had the thought of, he didn’t deserve friends anyway. Many thought he was acting all superior and mighty, so they ignored him meaning he literally had zero chance of even making friends. Through out secondary he had stopped going home most nights as his father had started hitting him more often and he didn’t find it amusing explaining to his pe teacher why he didn’t feel comfortable doing it. His family didn’t try and make him come home and even if they tried, they knew Lance wouldn’t have listened to them. Lance was living the life he thought he deserved so he never tried to change anything about it. When many people would head home after school Lance found him self meeting with some older guys in a park smoking cigarettes and drinking their life away as way of escape from life. He didn’t care what the consequences were of what he was doing, if he would die, he didn’t care, he just needed a way to forget about everything and have fun for once in a while. The guys he found him self hanging out with nearly every day after school were way older than him but that didn’t matter to him, and it didn’t seem to matter to them either as lance seemed to act way older than he was. Lance would find him self sharing a drink or cigarette with a guy called Marcus and he became the closest to a friend he had had in a while. Lance would find him self sneaking out for him in the middle of the night going to clubs and dancing with him without a thought going through his mind. He just wanted it to stay like this. Nobody involved and him doing whatever he wanted without anyone caring but soon he found himself instead of laying down on the grass smoking with Marcus it would be them kissing and the faint taste of vodka lingering in their mouths. Marcus soon started asking Lance to skip school and go out with him and his mates instead and Lance never declined the offer. He soon found himself hardly going to school and when he did, he wouldn’t even pay attention only staring out the window at whatever was outside just to make time fly by. Teachers would keep him after class threatening him with his scores saying he wouldn’t even be able to get a job in the future, but it meant nothing to him. Empty threats meaningless words. Lance thought his life was getting better, going well but he was just distracted. Going out every night doing absolute nonsense is what distracted him from what he was truly feeling, and he realised nothing could help him. He was sat in his room just sat in darkness looking up at the ceiling when this feeling of something missing hit him. It was like he was incomplete, but nothing could fix it. He realised all he had been doing these past few years was trying to fill this void, but nothing worked. All the smoking, drinking, pills and whatever else he had done wasn’t helping. He needed something more. Something that could make him feel alive and not just empty. He got an idea and decided he had to at least try. He made his way into the kitchen going through the drawers muttering every time the drawer didn’t have what he needed, until he found it. He didn’t know if it was a good idea but if it made him feel something then it would be worth it. Lance lay on his bed the box cutter next to him his arms littered with cuts some slightly bleeding. He just sat there going over what he had just done but all that was going through his mind was that he had finally felt something. He felt the bit of pain as it pressed into his skin and when he slowly sliced across his skin as the blood started seeping out. The feeling was unmatched to anything else he had ever done, and it was addicting. The result of finding a habit that was better than his others he stopped going out with Marcus and the rest of them and ended up just not going to school as there was truly no point now. Lance hadn’t realised it but him cutting off the only people he could hang out with would make him worse, when he woke up, he couldn’t get out of bed it was too much effort his dad would come in screaming at him to get up be he couldn’t. Couldn’t get up to eat or anything he just stayed in bed hoping for an easy way out of life. Before he would get up to meet up with Marcus but now all he did was sleep hoping he would sleep the rest of his life away. As Lance was now always at home and never left his siblings started to finally notice him and truly how different he was. His siter Veronica would sit by his door talking to him too scared to even go in and see what he had changed into because of their family. Veronica was feeling the consequences of not helping Lance out through out their childhood and she wanted to change. She had realised her mistakes and decided that she wanted to do something before it was too late, so she decided to send Lance an application for a college near by for him to restart his life how he wanted it to be. For him to be away from this household and to start fresh where nobody would know him.