Stripping the band-aid off
She watched his blonde hair slipping through her fingers like silk, his eyes were closed and soft huffs leaves his lips. He looked beautiful under the moonlight. The stars seem to agree, tonight there were more stars than ever. They came to take a peek at this man. The man sleeping with his head on her lap, holding one of her hands that wasn't playing with his hair, in the astronomy tower.
Moments like this made it all worth it. The pretending not to know each other, the watching someone else try to steal your lover, the sneaky stares across the tables during dinners, the accidental bumps just so they can feel each other's skin in the hallways. She'd do anything for him. Anything.
To him, that was his biggest problem. He felt like baggage to everyone in his life. His father expects success that he has yet to attain, his mother could've freed herself from her toxic husband if she hadn't had him, his girlfriend could have had the beautiful love she deserves, the kind where they didn't have to hide. She'd do anything for him. All he does is make her life harder. He dreamt of leaving everything behind from time to time, his family, his friends. She used to be the reason he was willing to stay. But the guilt in his throat kept rising every passing day, watching her bear Parkinson's consistent flirting, his friends' horrible jeers, the threat of being caught dating him by his father, the disapproving look from his mother when she saw him holding her hand. Most of all, her having to keep down her feelings.
Countless times he'd seen her out in Hogsmead with her friends, all paired and loved up, and she alone. He was supposed to be beside her holding her hand too. Much as he hates Hufflepuffs or Gryffindors, he knew they'd choose the people they love at the end of the day. He thought about the hat sorting him into Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, his father would disown him. But the thought of that doesn't seem terrible. At least he didn't have to live the life he's living now.
He's also seen a few of her friends trying to set her up with other males they know, Draco could only swallow his pride, let it choke him up and maybe one day he'd cease to exist. He watched as she'd try to get out of it, she could get away with it at first, but lately, her friends have gotten persistent. She went out with a guy today, crying on Draco's shoulder the night before about how terrible she felt saying yes, but that was the only way she could stop her friends from trying. It was the friend of Cedric Diggory, almost as honorable as Cedric was, but this guy was much timider, much more caring.
He sat on the corner of the three broomsticks, while she and the guy had a conversation. She seemed reluctant at first, but he soon found a way to make her smile. She then started laughing, her beautiful laughs bringing other people's attention. He watched as her cheeks blazed red, and the guy stared at her in a way that Draco wanted to punch his face. He held her hand too, that's when Draco knew he couldn't stay anymore.
He was her boyfriend, yet it felt a lot like he was the one intruding on her relationship. That was when he knew his place in her life was irrelevant.
-
"How was the date?"
Draco was leaning across the wall, Crabbe and Goyle going on and on about Quidditch. He picked this spot, only a meter away from her. For the sole purpose of listening to her.
"He was fun." He heard her say. He could feel her eyes glancing subtly to the side of his head.
"That's all? He was fun?" Her friend gasped in shock, "If you must know, he's been talking about you to his friends. Said you were really beautiful and he fancies you."
"Eh, I'm not sure I feel the same way."
"Honestly what's wrong with you? You've been alone all your life, now a nice person wants you and you still are not interested? Either you have a secret lover or you're mental." Her friend said, quite annoyingly. Draco's eyes sneakily glanced her way, watched her blush, and laugh the statement off. "Or do you want me to set you up with girls? Is that your preference?"
"No, please no more setups." She said quickly. "I think I'm just a late bloomer?"
"No, you're just incredibly mental."
-
He had passed her a note during potions, slipping a piece of paper into the palm of her hand. She wanted to read it right then and there but knew better than to do so. Her best friend was quite nosy.
So as soon as the day's classes are all over, she headed straight to her dormitory, pretending to have a stomach ache and telling her best friend to hang out with their friend group and not wait for her. She read it, 'I need to talk to you tonight'.
She hated the sound of the note. So she headed back down, not to hang out with her friends. But to maybe catch Draco somehow, and see if he's doing okay. She found him under the tree he loved climbing, except today he wasn't on the branches, he was talking to Pansy Parkinson, in a way he'd never before. He was smiling, maybe even teasing her. A dull ache crept up her stomach and onto her heart. Parkinson placed a hand on his shoulder, laughing while throwing her head back slightly. He laughed too, the corners of his eyes crinkling exquisitely. She heard his laughs from afar, she felt pathetic watching him from the hallways. She didn't know how to catch his attention since he was so immersed with Pansy Parkinson. So she sat on the pillars, waiting for a chance where his eyes would dart her way. It took him 15 minutes to do so, his eyes met hers, they widened slightly before dropping to the note on her hands, then he looked back at Parkinson. And it took her 30 minutes to realise he wasn't about to look at her anymore.
-
She waited for 45 minutes before she heard the footsteps. Other nights she would head towards him and embrace him in the tightest of hugs. But not tonight, not when her stomach had been doing queasy flips throughout the day. He had ignored her completely during dinner. She only turned around to face him when she heard his footsteps stop behind her. He looked somber. And it only took him a second of staring at her to finally say what he'd meant to say every day ever since she'd gone on that date.
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
The night breeze suddenly felt like sharp ice against her skin. "What does that mean?"
"I want to break up." There were no cracks in his voice, no hesitation, like it was calculated. Because it was indeed calculated. He spent the whole week thinking of the least painful way for her. She was silent for a few minutes but to Draco, it felt like an hour had passed. He started feeling his heart getting heavy, his eyes getting wet, his body felt strange as though it wanted to disappear.
"Was it something I did?" She whispered, her voice a squeak from holding back her tears. "It was the stupid date wasn't it?"
"No." He told her, he knew if he wanted it to be as painless as possible, he had to be honest. "It's just not working anymore."
"So we make it work."
Stop. He wanted to shout. Stop spending so much time on him, stop putting so much effort on a guy who can't even give back half the things she'd done. But he couldn't let his emotions take over, he'd planned this the whole week, making sure he knew what to say and what not to say. Made sure whatever he said, she couldn't find a way to still love him.
"No."
"Don't be like this." She whispered, her voice finally cracking, despite hiding her face from him, Draco saw the droplet of tear hitting the ground. His chest constricted painfully, his feet felt like they were hardly holding him up anymore. He'd finally made her cry. All those promises of making her happy, and being there for her forever, had now been broken. Maybe it had been broken for a while, but it's only now it registered to him there was no going back. There was no making this work. Not when he's hurt her. Because once he starts being the reason for her pain, she'd always remember the pain. He'd know, because for months now, she had been a pain for him too, except she didn't cause the pain, he had gotten himself hurt because he knew she's never going to have the love she deserves.
Maybe now she has a chance for that love. With the guy she went on the date with, or someone else. Someone that wasn't him. He's too broken for her. Even now he's breaking her too.
It was getting harder to stand here in front of her, and pretend he didn't feel a thing.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to break up with you."
She took a breath so sharp, Draco knew he said the wrong thing. "W-we can fix this." She quickly uttered, her voice shaking so much. He had to stop himself from grabbing the back of her neck and pulling her against his chest. "Whatever t-this is, we can figure a way out. Like we do with everything. R-right?"
He couldn't answer. He had never felt like he fixed anything, it was always broken, he was always broken, the only time he'd feel even slightly normal was when he was with her under the stars. Maybe this shows how much effort she puts into the relationship compared to him, he had never done the fixing, he never even realized there was anything to fix, he now knew that was all made possible because she fixed everything before he even found out anything was wrong.
"Draco? P-please don't leave me." She hiccuped, "You promised forever."
"Stop." Draco snapped. "Stop crying for goodness' sake." That wasn't how he wanted it to sound. He couldn't bear seeing her cry, but he didn't mean to snap at her. He just wanted the pain to disappear.
Her heart was stabbed with a knife and now it was twisted. "What happened?" It was no louder than a whisper, yet Draco could still hear the sweet, broken voice clearly. It was the voice he had memorized, after all, the voice he wished to hear before he slept and after he woke.
Draco wanted to tell her everything, what went wrong with him, and how he was far beyond repair. But he couldn't, for all he knows she'd try and fix his problems again. "This is life, isn't it? You find something exciting, you want it, eventually... you get over it."
"You're saying you're bored of me?" The moment Draco asked to break up, her head spun for a reason why, she mentally prepared herself to hear her mistakes throughout the relationship, maybe even find a way to fix it. But Draco being bored of her was never in her mind. It's the simplest answer to every breakup, no matter how much a person tries to sugarcoat the reason of a breakup, it all comes down to whether they are still as interested as they were in the early stages. She didn't know whether she was glad Draco was honest and didn't go around cheating, or hurt because this felt like true love to her, and for a year, it seemed to be true love for Draco too. Maybe she had been imagining things.
But that wasn't what he wanted to say. Fuck's sake he could never be bored of her, he wanted forever just as much as she does. But not if he felt like a burden all the way through.
"Yes." He stated, maybe that was the easy way out.
She heaved a sob, she had always been an ugly crier, that was truly endearing to Draco. But for some reason tonight she looked beautiful, despite the wet cheeks and broken eyes and her hands clutching the chest where her heart sits. He was battling himself, he wanted to wipe those tears away yet his legs wanted to run away. He didn't deserve to be in her life anymore, no, he had never deserved to be in her life.
Draco knew it was time to leave. He couldn't stay anymore, one more second here he'd crack and run back to her arms.
"I hope you find someone who isn't scared to love you properly."
"Y-you love me?"
He thought she knew. He thought he didn't need to say it and she had somehow knew. He shouldn't have said that, he should not make moving on harder for her.
"No." Draco said, shoving his emotions back down. "I just thought it was the right thing to say."
He sounded just like a jerk. He sounded like the guy she hated before she got to know him last year.
She was a shy girl, Draco knew this, she wasn't the most confident. But he liked her for it. He liked that it took her days of thinking about something before she could start sharing it to him. But right now, he'd hope she would say what she's thinking directly, because he knew there was no tomorrow for her to tell him what she thinks.
She was making this easy for him. Breakups were supposed to be messy, there was supposed to be yelling and arguing. Somehow he wished this was the messy kind of breakup. He wished she'd call him names, shove him, hurt him. Just hurt him. He's tired of being the one that does the hurting.
But she didn't say anything. She somehow knew there was no changing his mind, the way he said it, it was almost as if he'd planned all this time to do this. She knew deep down he'd broken up with her mentally before he actually said those words. She wished he'd give her a heads up. At least that way she can prevent this.
But maybe that's why he didn't give her any clues. Because he didn't want her to prevent this. She started wondering for how long had he wanted to break up, since the thought of breaking up was so final for him. Was it the night they spent in this exact moment just a few weeks ago? Or was it during the winter holiday when she gave him a green scarf for Christmas? Or was it when they had their first kiss, under the mistletoe right in front of his room? Or had he never intended to stay since the beginning?
They stood in front of each other, under the soft shine of the moon, the wind blowing her hair towards him, he could get hints of her shampoo, the slight lavender wafting his senses. The stars didn't twinkle tonight, Draco noticed. Maybe the stars had started hating him after he hurt her, and maybe from tonight on, he won't see any more of the twinkles in the skies. He deserved it.
It was that way for another 15 minutes, after that Draco knew it was best he left. He tested his legs, shifted it slightly to check if it still works because his body felt so numb, from the cold, from the pain. He didn't waste another second to turn around and walk away.
Draco was about to descend the stairs before he heard, "I love you."
Draco didn't know what that meant, whether it was a plea for him to come back, or a reminder that no matter what, she'll love him.
Either way, Draco knew it was bad. Her loving him was bad. So he disappeared into the night. The glow of the moon no longer lighting his path.
He thought about how lonely the stars would be now that his moon would no longer light up his nights.