If I betray you..
The next morning, Glinda woke up completely hungover. She felt terrible, not only because of what had happened last night, but because she felt so disgustingly sick of herself. Just two months ago she had promised herself that she would stop overly drinking , yet here she was, back in her bed after trying to have sex with the person who was meant to be her close friend.
Glinda had no idea how to approach them after last night, their room becoming a place of constant lingering tension. She wanted to say something so badly, to explain herself and her actions, but what could she even say?
“I’m sorry for kissing you?”
“I’m sorry for wanting you more than anything?”
“I’m sorry that you have to keep dealing with me and my mess?”
All options felt useless, inadequate. She knew Elphaba deserved a proper apology, she just didn't know how to deliver one. She was lucky that Elphaba had slept in today, as she still needed time to think about what to say. She wasn't exactly sure she'd be able to face Elphaba at this moment, so she picked out her clothes, got dressed, and decided it was best to avoid Elphaba as much as she could that day...
Since she couldn't be with Elphaba, the next best option was to go see Fiyero. An hour after waking up, she went to his dorm, still quite hungover, and laid down, trying to convince herself that everything is fine. Only within a couple of hours, Fiyero started advancing himself onto Glinda again. It made her feel icky, but she decided to ignore it.
Glinda kept her eyes shut. Desperate to feel something. Anything. But as he kissed her, her pulse didn't race, her face didn't flush, and she didn't understand why. She thought maybe yesterday it didn't feel like anything because it was just an awkward first time with him, but now she felt even emptier than she did before. However, Glinda still willed herself to be present in the moment, thinking that if she tried hard enough, all the emotions and pleasure would eventually come to her.
She let him kiss her, let his tongue part her lips and his hands roam freely over her body. She tilted her head, giving him access to the sensitive skin beneath her ear. A shiver coursed through her—but it wasn’t from pleasure.
She felt nothing..
His hands wandered under her dress, pushing it higher until his fingers danced along the bare skin of her thighs. A part of her clenched—but not from want.
"It’s Fiyero," she told herself. He’s handsome. He’s charming. He adores you. He kissed her collarbone, his teeth grazing her skin. "You should want this," she kept telling herself.
“Relax,” he murmured, voice husky as his hands slid higher, his thumb brushing just beneath the lace of her underwear.
She forced a smile and kissed him back, her hands threading into his hair, pulling him closer. She wanted to drown in him, to let the sensations swallow her whole and quiet the screaming in her head. Her body didn't burn with desire, but with the ghost of a yearning she couldn’t let herself name.
No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop imagining a different pair of hands—slender and trembling, but steadying her with surprising strength. She pictured the sharp angles of Elphaba’s jaw, the intensity in their eyes, the way their lips had trembled against hers before everything had fallen apart.
A gasp escaped her, but not from Fiyero’s touch.
“Glinda,” he whispered again, his hand sliding fully between her thighs.
She flinched.
“Wait—”
“What’s wrong?” His hand stilled, but his eyes were still filled with desire.
“I—I can’t,” she breathed, her chest heaving as though she’d run a mile.
His brow furrowed, concerned with frustration. “Did I hurt you?”
“No,” she said quickly. “No, it’s not you.”
“Then—”
“I just… I’m sorry,” she whispered, pushing his hands away and tugging her dress back down. Her pulse raced as shame and confusion burned in her cheeks.
“Glinda, talk to me,” he urged, his voice softening. “What’s going on?”
“I thought I wanted this,” she said, her voice cracking. “I thought if I just tried harder…” Her words trailed off, the weight of her own admission suffocating her.
“Tried harder?” he repeated, frowning.
Her eyes filled with tears, and she looked away. “It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry, Fiyero.”
“Glinda—”
“I have to go,” she muttered, rising quickly and smoothing her dress as if that could put her world back in order.
She didn’t wait for him to stop her. She rushed out the room in a panic, pacing up and down the hallway, her heart pounding with a sensation she could no longer ignore. The sensation that haunted her with every kiss she forced, every touch she endured, and every lie she told herself. She had blamed herself. Maybe she wasn’t trying hard enough. Maybe if she loved him better, it would all fall into place.
As Glinda reached her dorm, she took a deep breath and opened the door, peering in to see if Elphaba was inside. She looked in to find Elphaba lying down comfortably on the bed reading a book. Glinda opened the door properly and closed it behind her, stepping forward into the room facing Elphaba's direction.
"We need to talk about last night," she communicated firmly.
Elphaba stiffened. The words hung between them. They closed their book with a soft thud and sat up straight. “What is there to talk about?”
Glinda took a step forward, wringing her hands. “Everything. I was drunk… I didn’t know what I was doing. I wasn’t myself.”
"I know that. But your feelings don’t just disappear with sobriety, do they?" Elphaba cut in sharply, the bitterness in their voice undeniable now. “You weren’t unconscious, Glinda! You kissed me. You—” They stopped themself, their chest rising and falling with shallow breaths. “And then you went to him.”
"It wasn’t like that,” Glinda whispered.
Elphaba’s jaw tightened. "But it was! I can’t be something you turn to when you feel lost. And you always run away from things after.”
“Because if I stop running, I have to face the truth," she protested . “You make me feel alive, Elphie. But I don’t know what to do with that. When I’m with Fiyero, I feel… I don’t feel anything.”
Elphaba's eyes narrowed. "I won't be your experiment, Glinda. Someone that you use and discard to see if you're really into guys-"
Glinda flinched, her eyes filling with tears. “I promise you, that’s not what this is! It's just hard to always be perfect and try to understand what I'm feeling."
“Then maybe you shouldn’t try. Not if you’re too afraid to choose me.”
“You think I don’t want to choose you? That I don’t stay up every night thinking about how easy it would be to let myself love you?”
“Then why don’t you?"
Glinda shook her head, tears welling in her eyes. “Because I’m a coward,” she admitted, her voice cracking. "I don’t want to hurt you, Elphie. But I don’t know how to stop hurting you either. I know I keep trying to stop this feeling, pretend it doesn't exist, but I can't! And it scares me..I'm scared of what society would think. How they'd end up treating me... And my momsie and popsicle too. I don't think they'd be too happy with me," she trailed off.
Elphaba had a sincere look in their eyes. "I understand that, but these things can’t just be a moment you regret when morning comes. They mean a lot to me. I really want you, Glinda. Whether platonically, romantically, or sexually, I want you in any way possible. But last night.. if we continued.. it would've been my first time. I would've been prepared to do it with you... but I couldn't. Not with you in that state."
Glinda refused to make eye contact with Elphaba. "I'm sorry, Elphie. I've not been fair and considered your feelings enough in this. It's just I'm used to everything going my way. Now, it seems like the world is turning against me. This whole thing is a lose-lose situation. If I betray you, I betray myself. If I betray Fiyero, I betray all of Oz. I don't know what to do. I've never felt so defeated before."
Elphaba’s gaze softened as Glinda’s words tumbled out, raw and broken. “Glinda,” they said gently, their voice carrying a weight of understanding, “the world isn’t against you. It’s not about Oz, or Fiyero, or even what anyone else thinks. It’s about what you want. Who you are when all of that noise is stripped away.”
Glinda shook her head, wringing her hands even tighter. “But who am I if I don’t live up to what’s expected of me? If I don’t marry Fiyero, if I don’t become everything they’ve made me to be? I don’t even know who I am without all of that. And when I’m with you... it’s like all those expectations fall away. I don't know how to make you happy whilst keeping everyone else happy," she sighed.
Elphaba looked into her eyes, cupping her cheek and pulling her closer. So close that their foreheads were almost touching. "Glinda look at me," they instructed, "you don't need to make anyone else happy but yourself. Your future is up to you, not your parents or society. You can be with however you wanna be with as long as you know you're happy and comfortable with it. Don't worry about anyone else. If they truly love you, they would understand and support you through whatever decision you make. Even if you decide to be with Fiyero, yes I'll feel a bit hurt at first, I might admittedly also be a little jealous, but that doesn't stop me loving you and my desire for you to live your best life. If you feel like that's who you want your future to be with, I promise to support you every step of the way."
Glinda’s breath hitched as Elphaba’s words settled into her chest. She could feel the warmth of their hand against her cheek, the steadiness of their touch grounding her in a way she hadn’t realized she needed.
“I don’t know how to be honest with myself,” Glinda whispered, her voice trembling. “I’ve spent my whole life trying to be what everyone wants. Perfect, poised, loved by all of Oz. But when I’m with you… it feels like I’m not enough. Like I don’t deserve you.”
Elphaba’s brow furrowed, their thumb brushing over her cheek in a soothing motion. “You don’t have to deserve me, Glinda. You just have to be real with me. With yourself. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
Glinda closed her eyes, the tears she’d been holding back finally spilling over. “What if I ruin this too?”
Elphaba hesitated, their hand dropping from her face as they leaned back slightly. “You won’t. But I can’t keep being the person you turn to when you’re confused, only for you to push me away when it gets hard. I can’t keep pretending it doesn’t break me every time.”
The crack in their voice sent a fresh wave of guilt crashing over Glinda. She reached for Elphaba’s hand, gripping it tightly. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Elphie. I just… I’m scared.”
Elphaba squeezed her hand, their gaze softening as they studied her face. “I know you are. But you don’t have to figure everything out right now. Just… stop running. Stay. Let yourself just feel for a while.”
Glinda’s heart ached at the tenderness in their words. She wanted to believe them, to believe that she could find a way to be brave—not just for herself, but for Elphaba too. Slowly, she nodded, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll try. I promise.”
Elphaba gave her a small, tentative smile. “That’s all I ask.”