drabbles
"I told you I loved you!" Remus yelled. "I told you I loved you, isn't that enough?" His voice broken and raspy from how long he's been yelling. How long they've been yelling, back and forth back and forth.
It was so hard. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard. Sure they needed work but they shouldn't need to be repaired every fucking day.
Sirius shook his head, grabbing his bag off the hook that it was hanging on by the front door.
"No. No it's not. Because loving someone and telling them you love them are two different things. You taught me that. You taught me that when we were eleven and I had just gotten a letter from my mother. You taught me it wasn't okay and that i can't let some just- just trick me into thinking they love me." Sirius huffed, shrugging on his leather jacket and walking out the door. He paused before letting it close all the way. "I'm not going to let you trick me too."
Remus watched the door close, and heard the familiar roar of Sirius' motorcycle. He'd be back tomorrow, he always was. And they would apologize to each other and make up, only to fall back into old routines of yelling and crying all over again.
Love was a vicious cycle, and neither knew how to stop moving in circles.
The bisexual flag was made in 1998. James Potter was bisexual, and was absolutely psyched when it came out.
Sirius already had the rainbow flag, which was created in 1978. Of course they couldn't have the flags out because it would be dangerous, but in the safety of their own homes they could keep what they wanted behind locked doors.
When the Bisexual flag came out, Remus and James rushed to get one each.
Later, when James died, Remus kept both the flags. They were in an old dusty box that hadn't been opened in years. The two flags were still treasured by Remus anyways.
When Harry attends Hogwarts, Remus sees him acting strange. He keeps opening and closing his mouth like he wants to say something but keeps thinking better of it and staying quiet. Remus has him stay after class one day, asking if he was okay and what's up.
It's then that Harry comes out to Remus. Scared but confident in himself and proud of himself. Remus smiles and tells him to wait a minute, quickly he walks up to his chambers and grabs that long-forgotten box.
Harry lights up when he opens the box, pulling out one of the flags.
"It was your fathers," Remus says softly. "He would've been proud."
In a muggle au, I can definitely see Sirius getting disowned in the pandemic
He was stuck at home for a year, unable to go back to school, and was around his parents all the time. He started loads of unhealthy habits as a distraction when the abuse got to be too much at times
The first few months were hell, but at one point his family finally had enough and he was thrown onto the streets
With the threat of covid looming over everyone, no one was really willing to let him into his home. As much as they wanted to help him, they wanted to protect their families more.
It took forever for Sirius to finally reach James’s with public transportation closed and all. When he finally did make it, he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to knock on the door
If he knocked, then they’d let him in. But they also wouldn’t really have the option to turn him away anyways
But it was too late when James already saw him standing on his front porch through the window. He was welcomed in with open arms where his actual family would take care of him and keep him off the streets. Keep him from catching the deadly illness that’s killed so many already
Sirius has been hurt before. He’s been hurt by a lot of people in a lot of ways.
His parents hurt him. Every shouted word every spell aimed from their wand. It hurt. Sometimes it left physical marks, but the mental ones were the ones that never fade. They were the ones he couldn’t hide with magic, or with a piece of clothing. He’d flinch and shudder and shy away when someone came near. Did everything he could to make all adult figures in his life proud of him. Maybe if he worked hard enough and tried his best all the time then he wouldn’t be such a failure. He could make something of himself and maybe, just maybe, not everyone that was important to him was going to be disappointed in him.
His family hurts him. Everyone around him has always talked about what amazing families they had. How the holidays were their favorites because they got to see aunts and uncles and cousins and relatives. All of them. And Sirius sees all these families around him getting together and being excited about it. He can’t figure out what’s wrong with him and why he isn’t excited. Is he just greedy and unreasonable? He’s hesitant when the other marauders call each other family at first. He doesn’t want to disappoint them like his own family. Getting a new one was so much more stressful.
His friends hurt him. It wasn’t intentional, never would it ever be intentional. The first few years was when everything was still new. This whole “friendship” thing wasn’t familiar. Never did anyone care for him the way James, Remus, and Peter did. But sometimes their words hurt too. They never meant it, all supposed to be jokes. But sometimes jokes hurt too. Sometimes they hit too close to home right where it hurts. Sirius didn’t know where to turn.
But the person who hurt him most of all was himself. He let himself down, he let himself slack off. He let himself not be good enough. But Sirius also let himself believe that. He let the words of his own blood carve into his mind and get under his skin, where they stayed. And since those days in Grimmauld Place, his friends have been helping him unlearn it.
And maybe, one day. Everything he recognizes as hurt, may turn to love. Family wouldn’t be so bad if he picked the right ones. Parents weren’t so bad when they were the Potters. Monty and Mia were always the ones to make him feel like he belonged. Siblings weren’t so bad when it was James or Peter. Love wasn’t so bad when it was Remus.
Maybe love isn’t bad when it comes to the people who care.
Sirius can’t help but think about all the words shouted at him. The one from his friends, his family, his brother, his parents.
Failure!
Sinner!
Mistake!
Disappointment!
Stupid…
Dumb…
Worthless…
Those hurt. All the words that rattle in his brain when he tries to sleep at night. He can’t help but think.
Why can’t I be better?
Why can’t I be stronger?
Why can’t be smarter?
Most nights are spent like this. Lying in bed, thinking of how fucked up he is as a person. How he’s just a burden to everything and everyone around him who claims they care.
It isn’t fair to them, it really isn’t. Having to put up with a burden and nuisance like him all the time. No wonder all his friends before Hogwarts seemed to hate him.
Spewing insults at him and treating him like dirt. Yet he had stayed, because maybe if he stayed longer he’d change. They’d rub off on him and he wouldn’t be so different anymore.
It never did work though. Even his own mother looked at him like she hated him. She probably did hate him, to be honest, it wouldn’t be surprising. He hated him too.
He couldn’t quite understand why the rest of the marauders kept him around. They claimed he was funny and brought something to their friendship that no one else could replace.
He didn’t believe that though. Maybe he was still there because of pity? Maybe they just didn’t want it to be awkward when they lived in the same dorm and weren’t friends. Whatever their reason was, he was sure it would be gone by the end of that year.
And with it, their friendship.
It wouldn’t be surprising. Really he expected it. As much as he wanted it to truly be for forever, what was the chance?
Not when a burden like him was stuck with amazing people like them. People he didn’t deserve. And people that certainly didn’t deserve to have to deal with him.
James isn’t actually blind without his glasses. Sure he’s not going to be able to read the sign on the other wall and he might miss things. But he can see colors and some shapes. His vision is blurry around the sides and the shapes are blurry blobs of color, but if you were to hold 3 fingers up in front of his face he wouldn’t have a problem with deciphering them.
That annoys him a lot actually, that question. It makes him feel like without his glasses, people see him as useless and like he can’t take care of himself. If there’s one thing that he’s not, it’s useless.
Minerva totally gave them the name Marauders on accident. She called them that one day when James and Sirius were in a tree and ditching class. The two shared a wicked grin before scurrying down, laughing through their apologies and reporting to Remus and Peter that they found a name.
The name totally gave them a stroke of motivation and started leaving their mark when they pulled a prank. The four left their mark on those people and those halls to be remembered forever.
Remus hates his scars. He hates having to take his shirt off. He knows they show how strong he’s been, but sometimes he doesn’t want to be strong. He wanted to break down and cry and let himself breathe. But he can’t because as much as he wants to take care of himself, he’s not going to do that by putting someone else down.
He can’t lean on someone else and break them in order to support himself. So he hates his scars. The scars that show that he never did, and never will, get the chance to chose.
Sirius isn’t as confident as he pretends to be. He’s always worried that something will happen to make the others leave. He was already practically abandoned by his family, his own mother doesn’t love him. Why would the most popular boys in school? He’s done awful things in his past. Things his parent made him do before the age of 10. And while he was forced into it, he’s absolutely terrified that his friends will find out and think differently about him.
They’ll hate him. And since first year on the train he’s been mentally preparing himself for the day that Hogwarts too, becomes unsafe. When it starts feeling too much like his home and no like the one he wanted.
When he knows that he’ll have to leave before they make him.
Imagine Remus being so fed up with Sirius and his jokes saying Gosh Moonpie, You’re perfect! or Yes! A thousand times yes! Marry me already Lupin!. So he goes and picks flowers from the edge of the forbidden forest, and the next day he comes up to Sirius and says, “Happy one month, Babe.” All confident as he watches Sirius pANIC. “What’s wrong love? You didn’t forget did you?”
Later that night he hears Sirius and James talking and James says.
“You were dating and you didn’t tell me you Prat?”
“Jamie, I didn’t even know we were dating!”
It rains a lot in London. The soft pitter patter on the window is comforting. Kids can be seen outside jumping it puddles and holding their tongues, tries to catch the drops of water in their mouths.
It’s often that they’ll have music playing on their old record player. Sirius has a wide collection of ones he’s collected. Rebel Rebel by Bowie is playing softly in the background.
Remus can’t help but grin when he sees Sirius sitting in their bay window, looking out over the town. He looks content and relaxed. Remus stands by his side and holds his hand out.
Sirius looks at him, eyes trailing from the outstretched hand to the werewolf’s eyes before taking it.
“May I have this dance?”
They feel like kids again. Laughing and whooping as the twirl each other around in their flat.
imagine Sirius going home for the holidays but he never has his wands. His parents take to it to prevent any funny business
He tells Remus this, tells him “I don’t like being alone in the dark.” It’s always dark at Grimmauld Place. It reminds him of a vacuum almost, sucking the life out of everything.
Remus shoves a muggle lighter into his hand when they’re on the train.
“You’re never in the dark, not really. Not when I’m thinking of you.” And Sirius can’t help but smile. The feeling, he can’t quite place what it is but it’s good. It disappears as they arrive at the station. He pockets the lighter as he walks over to his family.
He gets home, they take his wand, his things. Leaving nothing but the stack of homework upon his desk. But they didn’t take the lighter, they didn’t see it.
And it rains that night. Sirius stares out the window, watching the raindrops race to the bottom. He stares out at the moon, it’s almost full.
The lighter clicks when he opens it. The little flame waves around, but it’s also steady. Sirius feels hope for the first time in a long time.
he’s not alone
Remus is always thinking about Sirius said. All summer actually
But “being alone in the dark” tends to have more than one meaning. He doesn’t want to be on his own, or go through things on his own. He doesn’t want to be on a dark path, like his parents
He doesn’t want to be his parents. Remus thought that they had convinced him otherwise. That he wasn’t the same as his parents
He was different. If he wanted to be different, he could be. He could do whatever the fuck he wanted because of his drive and motivation to do things
To show them that he can
But being left in the dark could also mean being left behind, abandoned. Not being told the plan. And part of Remus wants to let the wolf in him take over and find the people who made Sirius question then still. Who installed this fear that even after all these years, he’s still scared of being rejected.
Being treated like another freak in the show.