sirius loved deeply
Sirius loved deeply. He always has. His family didn’t love him much. He was born to continue the bloodline, to make sure the family name continues and that purebloods never die. He was born because that’s what was expected of Walburga and Orion Black. He wasn’t born out of want or love, he was born out of expectation and need.
He’s known he wasn’t loved since he was young. He didn’t mind their opinion much anymore. Sure it hurt when his own mother told him he was useless and unlovable. Or when his father spit curse after curse at him like it was the easiest thing in the world. And of course, it was unpleasant when his younger brother started looking at him like he was nothing more than the dirt under his shoes.
But he’s used to it now. He had the choice of siding with his family and earning their approval or choosing his own path and living his life his way. And Sirius chose to live. He waved away his own life without a second thought and created a new family at the age of 11.
He found comfort and safety in his new mates at Hogwarts. The mates who have taught him what real care felt like. And warmth and love. Not the superficial stuff his family pretended to provide at social events where they’d be kind to him and look proud of their young son in the public's eye. He felt the real love his friends provided when no one was there watching them, prompting them to be kind to him.
He’d never felt that before.
James was his brother. James stuck by him when his own brother refused to.
He had Peter. Peter, who was nervous and awkward but a great lad to be around. Peter, who brought him muffins from the kitchens, and collected rocks that he thought were cool from the lake to give to Sirius.
And there was Remus. Remus who he was currently pining over, Remus. Remus with his oversized sweaters and wooly socks and bitter tea, Remus. Remus who turned into a werewolf once a month and still finds time to talk Sirius down from nightmares, Remus.
Remus who Sirius thinks he's in love with, Remus.
And Sirius Black loves hard. He loves all his mates, but Sirius Black loves Remus Lupin.
It scares him the first time he realizes that. He’s barely has a crush before and now he’s in love with one of his best mates.
He hides from Remus for a week when he first finds out. It’s subtle at first. He sits on the other side of the table in the great hall, sliding into the seat next to James and leaving Peter to sit next to Remus. Or teaming up with Peter in Charms class for the new project instead. He sat on the other side of James in potions so he wouldn’t be between Remus and James. He evades their nightly game of wizards chest, claiming to be super tired that entire week and going to bed early.
His game of hide and seek ends by the fifth day. After claiming to be tired once again, he’s laying in bed with his curtains drawn, reading a book by wand light, his curtains slowly open. He squints at the opening, the bright light hurting his eyes after laying in the dim bed for the better part of an hour. Because of course, all his mates are still awake. They’re 15-year-old boys who practically live off of caffeine.
Remus’ head pokes past his curtains and Sirius inwardly groans. Because how can he look Remus in the eye when he’s wearing that red and brown checkered sweater with that sad look on his face, and tell him that he’s okay, and really is just tired.
“Did I do something wrong?” Remus asks. And woah, is that not what Sirius expected him to say. He sits up, his book falling closed on his lap but he can’t even begin to care that he’s lost his page.
“What?” Sirius starts.
“Have I done something wrong?” Remus says again. “Because you have barely looked at me in these past few days and you won’t talk to me, and you won’t even sit by me anymore. And I guess it’s fine if that’s what you want to do but please just tell me if I’ve done something wrong.”
“Woah, woah, woah, Remus, hey—” Sirius tries to cut him off.
“If I’ve done something wrong at least let me know, that way I can fix it, and it won’t happen again.” His voice gets thicker the more he talks, and he won’t look Sirius in the eye.
“Rem, wait a second.” Sirius dully registers the fact that James and Peter have stopped their bantering, no doubt listening to Remus’ rants but he can hardly bring himself to care.
“It’s been eating at me, trying to figure out what I’ve done but I can’t think of anything.”
“Remus,” Sirius says. And Remus finally snaps his mouth shut and looks at Sirius. His onslaught of emotion and words seemed to end. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Remus opens his mouth like he wants to protest, but finds that he can’t because he really didn’t do anything wrong.
“What?” He asks. And his voice is barely there, a ghost of a whisper as his voice breaks.
“Just…” Sirius starts, huffing in frustration while his hands start grabbing at his sheets and blankets looking for his wand. His book falls onto the ground and makes a small thud on the hard floor. “There you are,” he mumbles, finally finding his wand buried in his bed.
“Get in here.” He says, grabbing Remus’ arm and tugging him into his bed to sit across from him. He pulls the curtains closed again and casts a small muffliato so Peter and James can’t hear them. He takes a deep breath.
“I like you, okay?” He says. He fidgets with his hands, tossing his wand back and forth and rubbing it between his fingers.
Remus’ eyebrows furrow. “Oh.”
And Sirius scoffs. At Remus, but also at himself because how could he be so stupid to hope that someone as great and pure as Remus could ever like someone as horrible and cruel as him?
“Yeah, oh.” He says. He’s looking at his lands now, the engraving on his wand suddenly extremely interesting.
“Why?” Remus asks. It’s Sirius’ turn to furrow his eyes in confusion.
“What do you mean why? You’re you. You’re moony. You’re thoughtful and protective, and you mother hen me sometimes which I thought would have been James’ job, but hey, roles change I guess,” he rambles. “And you’re stupid oversized sweaters and goss unsweetened tea and the way you smell like firewood and old books that just feels so welcoming and like what I think home should smell like.” Sirius spares a glance up to see Remus looking back at him with a blank expression on his face. His eyes stay there, staring into Remus’.
“And those freckles you have covering your skin, and the scars that litter your body but show how strong you are, and how unbreakable you are. You’re pretty cool, Rem.” He says.
And Remus stares.
“Oh.” He says again. Sirius’ eyes flick back down to his hands.
“Mhm.” He hums. “And I get it that you don’t feel the same. Merlin, you’re straight, I don’t know what I was thinking.” Sirius shakes his head, laughing at himself bitterly. “You can go now, I just thought you should know. You can stop blaming yourself now.”
Sirius gestured towards the curtains, lifting open a flap for Remus to leave through.
“I-I’m not. I’m not straight.” Remus says. Sirius just looks at him because of course that’s what Remus took away from this.
“Oh,” Sirius says. “Okay, cool.”
“I’m bisexual,” Remus says. Sirius nods slowly.
“Okay Moony, thank you for telling me.” He says. Because what is he supposed to say? Congratulations?
“And you’re wrong,” Remus says. He doesn’t sound unsure of himself anymore, a newfound confidence making itself known.
“Quoi?” Sirius questions. “What?”
“I like you,” Remus says to him. He looks him dead in the eye, amber eyes meeting grey.
“Oh, sick,” Sirius says, and Remus snorts in laughter.
“Yes Sirius, it’s very sick indeed.”
And Sirius laughs, smacking Remus with a pillow. “Yeah, yeah.” He says. “What now?” He asks.
Remus shrugs. “I don’t know, we don’t have to decide now.” He says. “We can just see what happens, yeah?”
“Yeah,” Sirius says. He sticks his fist out as an invitation for an awkward fist bump. Remus grins and returns it. “I’d like that.”
“Sirius! Stop the buzzing in our ears!” James yells. Sirius sighs and lies down.
“Way to ruin the moment, Potter.” He says to himself. Remus chuckles and lays next to Sirius, rather close to him so he doesn’t fall off the bed. Sirius scoots over awkwardly to try and make room.
“I say you don’t lift the muffiato until tomorrow because of that.”
Sirius grins.