in which it probably would've been easier back then
Chuuya woke up in a daze, looking outside the window through half lidded eyes as he had taken the habit in the past few days of not looking at his phone; he had a clock, he knew what time it was, he didn’t need to check it. He didn’t need to check it.
He made his way to the bathroom, brushing his teeth, fixing his hair as he usually did before dressing in his usual sports clothes, and grabbed breakfast before going to the gym. He’d done that yesterday. He’ll probably do it tomorrow. He’d asked for a week off of class and work, decided to have some alone time. He didn't like alone time ; he wanted to see his friends, he wanted to go get a drink, he wanted to do something else than wallow in self pity for someone who clearly wasn’t deserving of everything he’d done. He had texted his friend’s group chat to let them know he needed some air and would probably only see his siblings this week and really he was fine, just a bit tired lately and needed to focus on himself.
But he already regretted this decision. He’d never felt more alone.
When he was younger, angrier, louder; he’d already have bursted through Albatross’ door complaining about that ungrateful Dazai and all the others would’ve come and they would’ve told him that he isn’t worth it and Chuuya is just, ironically, way too patient. And they’d be right, but they weren’t exactly there to tell him all this anyway.
So Chuuya worked out, studied in his room, played mario kart with his sister and really, he didn’t want to talk about it. He turned over in his mind what he had told Dazai that night, over and over, wishing he’d said less, wishing he’d said more, wishing that he would, once again, give up and reply to Dazai’s suicide threats and talk him out of it once again, and again, and again.
For what?
Chuuya felt like an idiot : why had he stayed so long for Dazai? Why was he waiting? Had he not hurt him enough? What was he expecting? An apology? Gratefulness? From a man who was embarrassed of even joking about being close to him?
He knew why he stayed. He knew why, and it haunted him at night. It followed him everywhere : in his friends’ jokes, in his siblings’ disapproval, in the memory of his dead friends, in the eyes of every drunken hookups’ he’d eventually forgotten the name of in the morning.
He was big enough to say he loved Dazai, but it made him feel so incredibly, ridiculously small. Because Dazai was anything but worth it, he had not once proven he deserved anything more than indifference. And yet Chuuya stayed, like a dog.
And he would probably stay forever on that leash, on that tree, waiting for his owner to come back.
This had always been degrading.
Chuuya hated Dazai more than anything.
And he was so, so alone.
He didn’t care. He’d always been alone, even with the sheep, with his siblings, with the flags : because when it came down to it, he would always, always be the small angry kid living in the streets. He’d always been, he would always be.
It was another hit, but he would move, he’d move with the pain as he always did. There was no point giving up now. He wasn’t like Dazai, he wouldn’t let himself become this kind of person.
“Where were you?” Koyo asked as Chuuya opened the door, making his way to the bathroom for a well deserved shower,
“Oh, I was at the gym. Sorry I didn’t grab my phone.
-It’s fine. That Atsushi kid called…?
-Atsushi? What did he want?
-Something about Ryuunosuke…”
Okay. He’d bite.
Chuuya took a shower, clearing his head a bit before calling Atsushi.
“Hi?
-Atsushi? You called?
-Yeah, sorry, I asked your number from Ryuu”
Chuuya chuckled, first name basis, huh?
Hopefully this was just Atsushi asking about Chuuya’s vast knowledge on Ryuunosuke and what he likes to take him on a date or something.
“No it’s fine, I’m glad I finally have your number.
-Yeah.”
A pause.
“Say, would you want to go grab a drink or something?”
Chuuya frowned, keeping silent. Something was off. He was wrong about Atsushi having doubts about his relationship, this was clearly something else.
Was Dazai manipulating Atsushi to get to him? Would he meet up with Atsushi only to be met with Dazai in his stead?
“Is this some dodgy plan to get me to talk to Dazai?
-Not really, no. Though it is about him.
-I’m not getting involved with him anymore.
-I know, I-
-Then I don’t know how I can help, Atsushi.
-Just hear me out! I’m mad at him too.”
Chuuya frowned again, this time in confusion, why would Atsushi be mad at Dazai?
“I’m so mad at him but… I think I can work this out.
-Do you know how many times I’ve said that?
-I-”
Chuuya heard Atsushi sigh,
“One last try. And then you can give up, give everything to me. You won’t have to hear about him ever again.”
Chuuya deliberated.
“Talk to him first, get back to me, and we’ll see. Tell Ryu I said hi.”
Chuuya hung up.
Atsushi sighed again, running a hand through his hair.
He was stubborn enough to attempt this.
The problem was that Dazai was probably more stubborn as to make it fail.
Private Message :
Atsushi :D :
11:01am
hey Dazai, sorry about last time 🙈
would you perhaps want to hang out :)
Dazai :b :
11:48am
Idk what do i get
Atsushi :D :
11:50am
free food and chuuya?
Dazai :b :
11:50am
8 omw