in which he has a bone to pick and throw
Atsushi knew something had happened between Chuuya and Dazai the night of Halloween, it didn’t take a genius to figure that out ; and Chuuya had cemented his conclusion.
He didn’t know the details of their fight, and he really didn’t need to, but it was probably a bigger fight than they’d ever had before, or else why would Chuuya have suspected Dazai of manipulating Atsushi to see him?
Plus, he himself was mad at Dazai ; not because of a disagreement or anything, but because his hurt went deeper than he’d pretended, and he’d hurt himself and people Atsushi loved in the process. He couldn’t let go of Dazai, no matter how hard he tried, not out of guilt, but simply because he was his friend (his best friend, though he would probably not tell Jun’ichiro or anyone this out loud), his friend who, despite his flaws, had helped him process the grief of losing his family so abruptly for something that was out of Atsushi’s control. Dazai had made Atsushi more confident about the future, had worked tirelessly with Kunikida to find someplace to stay for him (though he had pretended to be slacking off, Atsushi could see the efforts he’d put out for him.), he had helped take some of Atsushi’s things from his house, had shared Atsushi’s address and new contact info with Kyouka, and he had, above else, taken a weight off of Atsushi’s heart by simply being here for him all the way through.
Atsushi needed to pay him back, no, not pay him back, but simply help. It had been a long time coming : he’d put everything on the back burner for the year and a half he’d known Dazai, all the quirks, the shortcomings, his destructive tendencies in favor of staying his friend but the past days had just shown Atsushi that letting everything pile up without ever doing anything would only eventually lead to it all falling apart. That meant he had to do it the hard way, now, even if it meant being mean and strict and everything Atsushi just couldn’t ever really be with the Dazai he once admired.
In the morning, before calling Chuuya, he’d talked to Akutagawa, agreeing to take it easy on whatever they were, this time knowing it wouldn't be as awkward as before : Akutagawa had agreed ; though a bit reluctant, because he really liked Atsushi; to step out or step in if needed. And that was that : Atsushi felt a pang of guilt when he realized his actions could be seen as choosing Dazai over Akutagawa, and made sure the latter was not hurt by what Atsushi was trying to achieve.
“Not at all, Atsushi, just…” he had paused, almost bashful, “I’d still like to see you sometimes.”
Atsushi had smiled fondly, kissing the other man on his temple, making sure he knew he’d stay, because that’s what Atsushi knew how to do : stay, stay, stay until there wasn’t anything left. “I think it’s against my very nature to ever leave you alone.”, he had joked; “You do seem to be like that, yes.” Akutagawa had chuckled in turn, “Don’t hesitate to visit whenever, we don’t bite!” Akutagawa had said as a goodbye for the day, laughing (and blushing furiously, though Atsushi couldn’t see with Akutagawa’s back turned) when Atsushi replied in a fake pout “You don’t?”.
Atsushi made his way towards a small coffee shop a few minutes away from his flat, if anything, closer to Dazai’s. He’d found a bench near it, waiting for his friend to show up. He’d sent a quick message to Akutagawa (“Im gonna drag his ass to a therapist if i have to” “have a nice day xoxo”) and to Chuuya (“I’ll let you know how it goes but i aim for success”) to inform him of the status of his current mission.
Across the street, he could see Dazai waving, “Hey, Atsushi!” he called (yelled) as he made his way towards his younger friend, “how are you doing on this fine day?”
He seemed off, in the way Dazai was when he tried to hide discomfort. Atsushi could see his eyes were slightly red, but with Dazai, he could never really know what this meant about him, that he’d cried? Or most likely that he was high. Atsushi didn’t like to dwell on that.
“I’m good, how are you?
-Great, great…” A pause. Atsushi wasn’t the one to play mind games, but he absolutely knew Dazai was burning to ask about Chuuya, since Atsushi seemed to have information on his current situation.
“Let’s get going, shall we? I’ll pay your part, don’t worry.” Dazai made an approving noise at that statement.
They sat down at a small table near the window of the cafe they’d chosen, ordering each a small pastry to go along their drink : either because they were hungry (Dazai) or knew they needed some comfort for the daunting conversation they were about to have (Atsushi)
“-Are you okay lately, Dazai?
-As usual, why? How about you Atsushi?
-Dazai.
-Are you gonna lecture me too?
-”Too”?
-Yeah, I got chewed off yesterday night, urgh…
-By Chuuya?
-SInce when did you two get so chummy? I should’ve never introduced you two, I swear…
-What happened with Chuuya?
-Oh, nothing out of the ordinary : we fight, he leaves, comes back, we cry, I drop something heavy on him, I laugh…
-Really? Cause when I called him this morning he was positive he didn’t want to see you ever again. What’d you do?
-I didn’t do anything ! He’s the one all up in my personal business, kind of like you are right now! You’re lucky you’re you!
-Can you drop the passive aggressive?
-Can you say what you want to say? I know you didn’t just want to see me.
-And what if I did? I’m mad at you too, Dazai.
-Are you, now?
-Because I’m worried.
-What’s new?
-And you don’t think that’s weird, I mean- that everyone is worried about you all the time. You think it’s not warranted?
-I think you guys blow out of proportions something that isn’t that big of a deal.
-Is it? Do we?
-Yeah. Especially you and Chuuya, but you always forgive me in the end.
-Yeah well I wish we didn’t have to forgive you.
-Really, it’s kind of all of you, but you really don’t need to worry for me, you guys take care of yourself, okay?
-Yeah, I am right now, stay here. I’m tired of your behavior, Dazai, so I'm taking care of myself right now : stop being an asshole, and pull your head out of your ass. I’m so infinitely grateful that you are my friend and Dazai, I really wish you’d take that into consideration, not for you, but for me, Chuuya, Kunikida, everyone. I don’t care if it’s selfish, I just don’t want to lose you. I’m not hoping for a drastic change, for you to get better all of a sudden but… dude, you’re my friend and I don’t know anything about you! You know all about me ! And I’m not asking you to tell me every single detail of your life, but-” “talk to me, Dazai. At least.
-You know I can’t do this, Atsushi.
-What, you got a gag order or something? Please just talk to me, at least a little.
-I guess, urgh, I guess I haven’t been having a great time the last few months. Things have been… complicated, he cringed.
-I’m here, if you want to talk about it.”
Dazai looked at Atsushi, the whole of his honest person, taken aback by his earnest pleas.
“This isn’t the first time people try to get me to talk, you know.
-Yeah, but it’s me. Come on, you’re the first to say I wouldn’t have ulterior motives.
-Fine, I guess. Last semester, Chuuya and I had an… altercation” Dazai cringed,”and then there was your problems at the same time which I didn’t want to step on because clearly you needed help and all, and then class, overall depression, and then there was Odasaku’s birthday, and then- well, you were there. And now Chuuya won’t talk to me.
-Odasaku?
-My best friend. He died a few years ago.
-I’m sorry, though it’s probably too late. I’m sure he was great.
-Yeah. He’d have absolutely loved you, but I’m glad you couldn’t meet because you two would have been nagging me all the time, I think.
-I like him.
-Glad to hear that, he was great.
-So you've been going through a lot, lately?
-Well, as per use-
-And about Chuuya?
-Ugh, how do I say this… it’s… well I know he doesn’t actually plan on talking to me right now unless I actually do something good for him to forgive me instead of threatening to kill myself if he doesn’t reply-
-You fucking what?
-I know, I panicked, toxic behavior, red flaaag (he sing-songed), honestly I don’t get how he manages to not actually kill me himself most of the time. Well, it’s probably because of his survivor’s guilt- thingie.
-I think you’re delving way too much into “airing out Chuuya’s personal business” territory than actual information on why the fuck you would do that to your friend of almost a decade!?
-Ugh! Don’t remind me!
-Then talk to me!
-Fine! Fine! It’s just… it’s complicated for me. And it’s… well it is very hypocritical of me-
-And when have you ever been hypocritical!?
-And I know it’s an internalized problem and not an overall issue in a sociological and physiological sense-
-Are you sick or something?
-I think I’m bi.”
Atsushi lowered his head, maintaining eye contact with his friend. He tried not to show how jaded he was about this answer.
On one side, Atsushi understood how nerve wracking realizing something like that about oneself was, he understood very well; and especially for Dazai who’d always kept his nonchalant heterosexual (-ish, Atsushi had seen him kiss Kunikida enough times to not be particularly surprised about this revelation.) womanizer image and who, quite clearly, feared intimacy like it was the plague ; on the other side, Atsushi did find it a little funny that a man who had gone through everything Atsushi had seen him go through and who also was the man who made him more confident in accepting his sexuality was so scared of something that he had repeated him was not a big deal.
“-Okay, congrats, thanks for telling me about it, but I don’t see how…?”
But Atsushi didn’t really understand how it was relevant to the conversation, right now. Unless something had been lost in communication. Atsushi was here to chew Dazai out for his self-destructive tendencies ; Dazai was here for…
“Oh. Oh!
-Shut up- shut the fuck up!
-Oh my god! Atsushi laughed,
-I told you- don’t laugh?
-And you and Chuuya had an altercation about it?” Atsushi cocked an eyebrow, “Isn’t he gay?
-Yep, he is. Very much.”
Dazai paused, looking at Atsushi as if expecting another conclusion; one that never came, “ a physical altercation, Atsushi. This is just a roundabout way for me to say we had sex.
-Oh my god-
-But it was like different from the other times-
-Other times?!
-Anyway! It’s… well it was a lot to process. For me.
-Dazai! You like him!
-Ew, don’t say that out loud or I’ll actually definitely kill myself here,
-Not funny- and I didn’t hear a no.
-I’m not having a good time right now.
-When are you ever?”
Atsushi sighed, “So you're bi, you like Chuuya, so what?
-We have a lot of complicated history, and I’m not exactly the most healthy choice for him. It pains me to say it, but he does deserve better.
-And yet he stays with you all this time? Seriously, Dazai…
-No, I know, but… I don’t think I can make right by him after all this time, maybe it’s better for him to leave.
-Or maybe it’s time for you to give back twice as much effort as he did in the past seven years? Aren’t you usually an overachiever?
-I can’t do that!
-Why not!
-Because it isn’t fair! And I can’t do all that! It’s a lot! And it’s scary! And painful!
-Oh but hauling you out of a river isn’t?”
Silence. Atsushi hadn’t meant to go that far, but maybe it was necessary. He was making right by Chuuya, too, and himself, because they both had been doing way too much for Dazai who, as Atsushi was seeing, was just too lazy to make it right by them by himself.
“What if I try and I fail and I disappoint all of you?
-You mean more than right now?
-Ouch, Atsushi!
-Sorry.”
“For all it’s worth, I think you’re more than capable of doing right by him, and others”
Atsushi thought of Akutagawa too : not that he expected his and Dazai’s relationship to be fixed right away, but he hoped it would happen. For both their sakes.
-You’re the only one who thinks that.
-I think Chuuya does too.
-Not right now.
-What do you know? Maybe he promised me to talk to you after I did?
-He did?
-Is it that surprising?
-I mean… he really shouldn’t.
-He’s too good on you.
-Yeah, right-
-Dazai !
-Sorry, sorry.”
Atsushi took the last sip of his coffee, fishing for the wallet in his pocket as he spoke, “Maybe you should tell him, too. How you feel. You don’t need to tell everyone- I won’t, but… Dazai, nobody will hear it but him. Think about that.”
Atsushi stood up, making his way to the counter to pay for their coffees. He’d done good, he hoped. His phone vibrated as he waited for the cashier to bring the card reader ; a single text from Chuuya, it read : “how’s it going?”.
Atsushi chuckled. It probably would be easier than he thought.