in which the date doesn't go as planned
Ryuunosuke Akutagawa had been waiting for Atsushi to make the first step. He had known for a while that the younger man was interested in him, but was deathly afraid of trying anything, just in case he had been wrong. For all his confidence and straightforwardness, Ryuunosuke actually spent his days being eaten by a crippling sense of self-doubt that he had always thought felt far more heavy than his friends’ and family’s.
Ryuunosuke had to remind himself that it wasn’t that big a deal, just a date : they hadn’t even made plans yet ! And yet here he was, in the dead of the night, a whole week later, unable to sleep once again and going over everything that could go wrong, like, ever. He felt astronomically stupid for worrying so much for a romance that hadn’t even started, and potentially was never going to start - hell, he didn’t even know Atsushi that well ! Maybe he was actually a huge, annoying asshole or even worse, he could be uninteresting.
Plus, from what Chuuya had told him, he was a good friend of Dazai, which was, in Ryuunosuke’s book, a huge red flag if you weren’t Chuuya Nakahara himself. He wondered if Atsushi even knew how much of a walking red flag his friend was, and if he didn’t, maybe that meant that Atsushi was either lacking observation skills or emotional intelligence because let’s be honest it doesn’t take much to see that something’s wrong with Dazai-
The dark haired man cut his train of thought the moment it came back to a certain brown haired man, no need to think about this guy this late into the night, it’s not like he could do anything about it at this hour. Taking out his earbuds, Ryuunosuke tossed and turned in his bed as he tried to distract himself with music.
He woke up the next morning in a sour mood (as usual) and with a sore body, blinking the dust out of his eyes as he realized he probably will have to use a cane, having classes until 8PM that day. Trying not to wake up Gin, who had classes later in the day and was still sleeping, Ryuunosuke made himself some tea and lazily dressed himself in his usual bundle of black clothing, with more layers to warm himself up against the slightly colder weather of late October. He opened the door to see Atsushi Nakajima in all his glory, sporting (and Akutagawa had never felt more horrified and admirative in his entire life, he fears) a bermuda under his sweater. “You’re not going out like that” he deadpanned, “Hello to you too, Akutagawa
-Hello. Are you not cold?
-Why would I be? It’s only 17 degrees outside.
-You’re insane.”
With that, Atsushi went back behind his door, making Ryuunosuke hope he would resurface with actual entire pants (though the view of the younger man’s calves did make Akutagawa feel like a victorian man seeing ankles for the first time), and disappointing him when he came back empty handed, or so it seemed : “here” Atsushi took Ryuunosuke hand to place in it a soft and warm blob that he recognized was a hand warmer, “Ah. thanks.”, he replied to the gesture, half giddy from the thoughtful gesture and half disappointed that Atsushi didn’t straight up offer to hold his hand. They made their way (slowly, Ryuunosuke was supported by his cane today), down the stairs, being suddenly hit by a gust of cold biting wind as they opened their building’s entry door. While Atsushi seemed completely unbothered by the cold weather (even in bermuda shorts! scoff!) Ryuunosuke was already regretting not having prepared more layers and was shuddering even more whenever he would catch a glimpse of Atsushi’s bare legs.
“You really are the kind of guy who’s always in shorts… Are you straight or something?” Atsushi made a falsely shocked motion towards his chest, “How dare you !” He laughed, “Yeah sorry, it takes more than that to get me to shiver.
-You’re inhuman…
-Yeah, we have a joke about that with my friend, that I’m actually a weretiger.
-A weretiger? Why not just a werewolf?
-The stripes, man.” The stripes?
Oh.
“Oh.”
Atsushi gave Ryuunosuke an apologetic look, “Sorry, too soon?” A nervous laugh broke from the older one’s throat, “no sorry, just wasn’t expecting it…
-If this makes you uncomfortable I can-
-Not at all, weretiger.”
Atsushi laughed, “Good. Sorry I messed that up. He paused, hey since you’re cold, how about having hotpot with me tonight, as an apology - and also as the owed date” he had whispered that last part, which, luckily, Ryuunosuke had caught and made him decide that no matter what happened today he was going to go on that god forsaken date with Atsushi tonight, even if that was the last thing he would do “I could go for some hotpot…when and where?
-How about at my place tonight? I know this isn’t ideal, but…
-Yeah, student’s budget and all, plus I’ll probably be rinsed tonight so…
-You sure you don’t mind ?
-I literally wouldn’t even mind being invited to a McDonald’s if it’s with you, Atsushi.”
Huh, am I coming on too strong?, “Oh.” Atsushi blushed at that statement, “Yeah, okay, hotpot, tonight, my place, uhhh… bring your smile?” Ryuunosuke frowned. “Okay then bring your taciturn attitude and moody demeanor?” Ryuunosuke agreed, “I can do that.” They both chuckled and, having arrived in front of Ryuunosuke’s building, they parted ways with a slight smile plastered on both of their faces.
As soon as he stepped into his building, Ryuunosuke was greeted by the familiar faces of Chuuya and Koyo, already having a loud conversation despite being up at asscrack o’clock on a wednesday. They lowered their voices when they saw their friend approaching, casually returning to a calmer volume to greet Ryuunosuke as if they didn’t look extremely suspicious ; though the dark haired man didn’t particularly care;
“You look happy.
-Weather’s a bitch.
-No, this wasn't sarcastic, you look like you just got VIP tickets to an MCR concert, or whatever emo shit you’re into.
-Ha. Ha.” Ryuunosuke fake-laughed, then looked away, “I’m eating with Atsushi tonight…”
Chuuya cracked a smile, looking at Koyo in the process,
“Finally, I was wondering when I would get my money…”, said Chuuya at the same time as Koyo congratulated her friend. “Good for you, man, he seems like a real nice kid, don’t be a dick with him.”, Chuuya resumed, making it clear that he had already adopted Atsushi as his own flesh and blood in his usual not-really-group-mom-but-sorta kind of way. If Ryuunosuke was a bit more enthusiastic in general, or sociable, he probably would have teased Chuuya, asking him how his love life was going, but he also was keenly aware of the redhead’s tragically miserable love life ; not that it was empty, just…miserable. Instead, he opted for small talk with Koyo : “Did Tachihara introduce you to that med girl you were thirsting over?” Koyo clicked her tongue, “No, but I had a chat with her while waiting in front of Pr.Mori’s office, she’s like, really cool. Also told me that her brother’s dating a guy in my promo, small world, right?
-Yeah, that’s crazy.” The conversation quietly died down as Chuuya left to go to his actual classes (he was in physics, his presence in the humanities building was only due to the presence of his friends and older siblings, not an actual want to study anything related to literature- though he did like poetry a lot.)
Taking a seat in the back of his class, Ryuunosuke felt his phone buzz, hoping to see a notification from Atsushi but instead getting one from his friends’ group chat Penussy Mafia (how tasteful.) :
Goat:
8:03am:
Y’ALL I WIN FINALLY
IRONMAN:
8:04am:
WDYM U WIN CHUUYA
The Ginster:
8:07am:
Oh brother
Goat:
8:08am:
Yes, your brother, Gin and
Their boyyyyyyfffffrrrrieeeeeend
Rashman:
8:11am:
Chuuya were you betting on whether or not i’ll get a date
I hate you actually please go die like fr
The Ginster:
8:12am:
Why are you not paying attention to your class
Rashman:
8:13am:
I’m crazy like that.
Please tell me you would actually pay attention in latin class
Goat:
8:30am:
I will be accepting payments by venmo, paypal, lydia…
Y’all are NOT paying in nature 😡
I need moulahhhh
IRONMAN:
8:34am:
I can’t believe i’m giving money to a french person 🤢
Goat:
8:36am:
Nique bien tes grands morts <3
Rashman:
8:55am:
I hate you all.
The day went as usual, apart from the cold weather that Ryuunosuke was positively loathing as he walked across campus to the empty classroom he would sometimes eat in with his friends. In sight were only Gin, Tachihara and Higuchi, with no sight of the siblings he had seen in the morning. “You guys are detestable.” Ryuunosuke accused, referring to the now closed bet concerning his dating life, “Yes and now we are broke, thanks to your jock boy toy.” Is he a jock? “Shouldn’t have bet on me, you fool.”
The three engineering students sharing lunch with Ryuunosuke thus spent their entire meal time complaining about their weird architecture teacher who doesn’t even do his job properly and can’t hold a pen to save his life, debating over subjects that Ryuunosuke felt he was too uninformed in to even pitch into the conversation. Once in a while, he’d ask a question, only to be met with an enthusiastic trio of nerds who couldn’t explain anything about their sustainable built environment program without using specifically the only words of the Japanese language that a literature student didn’t know the existence of. Ryuunosuke told his friends (and sibling) a last goodbye before going to class, but not before his friends asked him if he had seen Chuuya before coming here, “I saw him this morning, why?
-I don’t know, I tried to meet up with him to give him his winner money and he wouldn’t reply. Location wasn’t even on…?”
Ryuunosuke shrugged, as puzzled as his friends towards Chuuya’s sudden disappearance. “I’m sure he’s just working or something.” He tried to ease his friends’ minds.
8PM came by quick, quicker than Ryuunosuke expected, and he happily welcomed the night breeze, because it meant that he was going home, and then he was going to eat with Atsushi, which meant calm, which meant no worrying over Chuuya randomly going MIA, something that had been sitting in the back of his head through the entire afternoon. He enjoyed the walk (alone, for once, had everybody disappeared today?), sending a quick text to Atsushi,
Ryuunosuke Akutagawa :
20:23pm:
Hey, I’m coming soon.
Atsushi Nakajima :
20:24pm:
Oh yeah, sorry, I didn’t text you, I was getting groceries for tonight :D
Ryuunosuke smiled as he made his way up the stairs, only dropping by to his flat to put his bag away and check out if his hair looked okay ; he didn’t want to make too much effort for a home date, but maybe just a little at least. Around 8:45, a bottle of sparkling cider in hand (he didn’t feel like drinking much, tonight, for some reason.), he knocked on his neighbor’s door, who opened it with a timid smile, letting out the delicious smell of the hotpot’s broth. Ryuunosuke let himself in, taking off his shoes before sitting on a small new couch that had not been there a few days before, which was a relief, the couch was incredibly comfortable, making him easily sink into it. In front of him was sitting the large metal pot and multiple ingredients were sitting around it, waiting to be eaten by the two men. Behind that pot was standing Atsushi Nakajima, eyeing both the food and Ryuunosuke with an endeared look. Before sitting down, he stepped to his kitchen to bring two champagne glasses which he filled with the other man’s sparkling cider. “Ain’t this the life?
-I’ll admit this is nice… and your couch is very comfortable as well.
-Aaah, I knew you’d like it!”
Ryuunosuke was almost blinded by Atsushi’s enthusiastic smile, “So, the younger man chuckled, dig in, I guess?” The dark haired man nodded in agreement, ready to attack the food at any minute.
They enjoyed their food with casual conversation, talking to each other about their respective day in the comfort of Atsushi’s cozy apartment,
“So you only hang out with engineering nerds?” Asked Atsushi,
“Well, at the beginning I was hanging out with Gin, but then I started hanging out with their friends. Thus I am obligated to hang out with “engineering nerds”, as you put it. Only Koyo studies literature out of all of us.
-Oh so you’re not too left out.
-Oh you have no idea…
-Dude. Do you know anyone in anthropology?
-Yeah, no.
-That’s what I thought.” Atsushi made a desperate noise, “None of my friends say anything I can follow with either…”
Ryuunosuke chuckled, “So why’d you choose it? Why not sociology or something more…
-Mainstream?” Atsushi shrugged, “Well at first, I was going to go into religious studies, but searching about it more and more, I got mostly interested in the Anthropology of Religion course, and then straight up anthro…”
Ryuunosuke arched an eyebrow, “I didn’t peg you for the religious type…?” Atsushi paused, internally debating with himself, trying to carefully choose the words that would come out of his mouth next.
“I kind of…was raised into all that, I guess? I’m not particularly religious myself, but it’s a domain I know well.
-So it was an easy route?
-Well, it was something that I thought… he gulped, that I thought my father would like, I think? But turns out questioning the birth of religions was not something a strict christian dad would like.” A dry laugh came out of Atsushi’s mouth as Ryuunosuke was hanging from his every word. “Uh yeah, that’s- that’s it.”
“I don’t hate christianity or any religions, though, I just like anthro more I guess…” he laughed some more, out of nervousness, while Ryuunosuke was slowly piecing together all the elements, “Akutagawa…?” Snap out of it, he’s nervous, this is a big deal to him but it’s not a deal breaker!
“As long as you’re studying something you like.” He smiled between two bites, “I uh… think anthropology’s a really cool field of study.
-Yeah, right” Atsushi’s nervousness seem to fade, but quickly came back when a tense silence suddenly fell on them, “Look, Akutagawa, I’m-
-Atsushi, I’m-”
They paused.
“You go first.” resumed Ryuunosuke, “And I think you can call me by my first name, at this point.”
Atsushi cleared his throat, “Well, uh- I’m not gonna do that but- uh… I’m like, super nervous, aha…”
“I know we haven’t known each other for a while but, I really like you, I think. I mean, I do, but”
But?
“I’m actually really terrified and also I’ve never really dated anyone so I am, like, double tripled scared right now. And I also know we talked about it already but I’m genuinely really self-conscious about…my body…?”
Faced with that, Ryuunosuke was processing every single word coming from Atsushi’s mouth. He wants to date me? He’s nervous? He’s self-conscious about his body? Does he want to-
“What…prompted this sudden burst of nervousness?”
Atsushi’s face went pale, “I…I thought you were really nice and pretty when you listened to me and that made me panic because I feel like I wouldn’t be enough for you.”
Only the sound of the bubbling metal pot could be heard in the room, when Ryuunosuke started chuckling, “Wait, what’s so funny?” Atsushi panicked. The older man covered his mouth, “Sorry, Atsushi, it’s just… I’m…let’s just say you’re not alone in this.” He returned to his usual blank face, “If I was a bit more confident in, he gestured, all this ; I probably would’ve reached to hug you or something, but I just can’t seem to handle physical contacts. Like, at all. Even with Gin.”
Atsushi let go of the breath he was holding, “Jesus, it’s that bad?
-I mean, I think I need it a lot, but I can’t handle it.”
What are we talking about?
“Maybe we could…try?
-Try what, exactly? the dark haired man arched an eyebrow,
-Touching…? Okay this sounds bad- A hug?”
Ryuunosuke was ecstatic at the thought, not that it showed on his still puzzled face.
Nodding to Atsushi, the latter made his way to the couch where he sat next to Ryuunosuke, extending his arm with a nervous expression painted on his face. Ryuunosuke leaned in carefully, slowly but surely preparing himself for the warmth that was coming off of Atsushi’s body. He leaned in, more and more, closer and closer, heart leaping out of his throat, incapable of looking in the other’s eyes for more than a split second.
It was soft. And warm, really warm. And loud, well- Atsushi’s heartbeat was really loud through his white sweater. Ear pressed to Atsushi’s chest, Akutagawa tried to breathe out of its rhythm, which was definitely too fast. “We’re kind of pathetic”, he broke the ice,
“We’re not pathetic, we just have some intimacy issues to work through. Both of us, real bad. You can hear my heartbeat, can’t you?
-Loud and clear.”
Akutagawa didn’t close his eyes, but tried to focus on the warmth of Atsushi’s arms, bathing in the silence of the room. Were this a few years prior, he probably would have cried. He used to cry all the time, when he was smaller, when he and Gin were being sent from home to home and he didn’t want to sleep in a different room than his sibling, when his foster parents would blame him for being weak, when his foster brother would come back drunk as a lord in the middle of the night only to belittle him for hours, then smile at him the next morning, then yell at him for crying again. Akutagawa was pretty sure he had cried all the tears in his body. He didn’t know how long it had been since he’d been properly hugged by someone. Sure, Gin and Chuuya did the occasional friendly side hug, and the others would drunkenly try to lock him in a bear hug, but it was never really real. Akutagawa closed his eyes.
Atsushi tentatively closed his arms a bit tighter around Akutagawa’s frame, who didn’t resist or back out, even lifting his head to look at Atsushi, ending up only inches apart from his face. Atsushi’s breath was labored, hot but not uncomfortable, gently caressing Akutagawa’s cheek as he tried to breathe again. They both stared at each other, drowning in the moment…
“I really wanna kiss you.” Cut Atsushi, “Why don’t you, then?” replied Akutagawa, who was immediately taken aback by a quick, tentative peck on his lips by the white haired man.
“Is that okay?” Atsushi tried; “I think you don’t have to hold back, you know?”
Atsushi looked up, giving Akutagawa a close and very enticing view of his exposed neck, which he desperately wanted to have a bite in, “I’m rusty, man. I haven’t done this since, like, high school…
-I thought you were scared of…this?
-That doesn’t mean I haven’t tried, I was with this friend- well, now’s not really the time, is it?” Atsushi chuckled apologetically, waiting a beat to lunge at Akutagawa’s lips, capturing them with his own, drinking his fill of the man’s staggered breathing as he let himself take Atsushi in, letting his mouth work its magic. “You’re not too rusty”, panted Akutagawa, to which Atsushi replied a soft hum, ready to go back to his previous activity while the older man tentatively placed hands on his sides. Atsushi paused, surprised by the sudden contact, but seemed to welcome it by the time he realized where it came from. Akutagawa’s hands slowly snaked around Atsushi’s waist, sometimes passing the rough surface of a fading scar ; which, if it caught Atsushi by surprise, didn’t seem to make him step back, which was good- “This is good, right?
-Good, good, I’m all good here”, Atsushi had smiled between two kisses, “How about you?
-Oh I’m, another kiss, I’m doing great.
-Good.
-Good.”
Atsushi grabbed the back of Akutagawa’s neck, deepening the kiss even further while the latter held onto his back, warm and firm under his soft sweater. Suddenly, a rush of lucidity came to Akutagawa, pushing away Atsushi for a second- “Wait-
-Oh shit, sorry! Did I got too far-
-No it’s not that, sorry, I failed to mention, I…”
Atsushi watched him intensely, preparing for his next words, “I also have scars… which, I assume you don’t mind but… I don’t feel comfortable sharing that yet.”
Atsushi sighed in a sort of relief, “That’s completely fine, Ryuu, I thought you were gonna say you actually were disgusted or something-
-Oh god, no! Just…yeah.
-Hey, that’s completely fine” Atsushi kissed him chastely in between his two sentences, moving his hands to run his fingers in Akutagawa’s hair, seemingly trying to find a way to keep himself stable after the small scare the dark haired man had given him, “is this okay, though?
-It’s good, it’s fine…”
They resumed their kissing, this time more softly, slowly, tenderly.
Atsushi pulled back, giggling as he watched Akutagawa gasp for air. “Consider us cured, I guess…?
-Shut up and keep kissing me.
-Yes boss.”
Atsushi once again leaned towards the other man’s lips, only to be interrupted by the buzzing of a notification, probably from his group chat or Jun’ichiro, whom he knew would understand his predicament. Focusing instead on the man in front of him, Atsushi was nevertheless interrupted once again in his endeavor when his phone started buzzing again, and again, and again, and a last time, longer, paired with his ringtone ; sharing a confused glance with Akutagawa, Atsushi looked at the caller ID, expecting the worst :
“It’s Kunikida. At this hour?” he checked the clock, almost 12pm, he answered the call to a panting Kunikida:
“Did you get his message?
-Who?
-This fucking idiot Dazai!
-No! What?
-Do you know where he is?
-No! How would I?
-I don’t fucking know!” Kunikida was practically yelling over his phone, “I don’t even know where he lives, Kunikida, I-
-Try calling him, he’ll probably reply to you.”
Then he hung up.
Atsushi opened his messages, scrolling to get to the latest notifications, having apparently received a message from The best senior ever (Dazai) :
The best senior ever (Dazai):
11:56pm:
Hiii Atsushi! How are you? I hope you’re doing great tonight, or tomorrow, or whenever you get that text, really. Look, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I truly care about you a lot, and I genuinely think you deserve better than all the shit that you go through ; with your family, your dad, and having to deal with me on top of that! You’re really admirable, you know that? I know you’ll bounce back without me, you’re so cool like that, plus you can make friends really easily, even if you doubt yourself a lot!!!! You shouldn’t! You’re a great kid. I know this isn’t the first time I've sent you this kind of message, and you’re gonna think “urgh this guy’s gonna attempt again” and tbh I get it, it must be really annoying to hang out with a guy who keeps on threatening his own life at the slight inconvenience. But I really think that’s my last straw, Atsushi. I’m really tired. I don’t really know what to do anymore. I don’t think I can handle all of that, even with all the support you guys have constantly been giving me. I’m really sorry. There is so much more to say, because you’re an incredible guy and you deserve so much better than someone like me in your life. Love you lots, kid, you deserve everything. I’ll give you a yelp review of hell when I get there, hope the wifi doesn’t suck ass.
Atsushi’s face went blank as he saw the size of the message, already knowing it’s content without even having read it. Dazai’s usual typing was nowhere in sight, even using the word “love” at some point. This was heavy. Too heavy.
He turned to his last hope, a confused Akutagawa.
“Sorry. Akutagawa. Can you call Chuuya?” The man obliged, still puzzled but deducing the worst from Atsushi’s call and dark expression. Chuuya answered the call with a hoarse voice, betraying the fake happy tone he was giving through the phone “What’s up Ryuu?
-It’s Atsushi”, said the man as he exchanged his phone for Akutagawa’s, who was just starting to read with a blank face the message Dazai had sent.
Silence on the line.
“Dazai’s with me, Atsushi. He’s fine. You can come. Tell Kunikida he’s okay, but don’t tell him to come here, I’ll send you my location.”
Ending the call, Atsushi received Chuuya’s coordinates, hurrying himself to put on his coat, “Are you going to see him?” he heard Akutagawa ask through his closet door, “I’m sorry, but- I mean-
-No, it’s fine, don’t worry. Be careful.
-You’re not coming?
-I’d rather not, I’m sorry.” Atsushi stopped his hurry to make sure Akutagawa was speaking earnestly, “You’re not…mad, right?
-I’m not, Atsushi, really. I just don’t think this is my place to intervene.” He reached over to Atsushi, gently kissing him, “I’ll just go to sleep. The hotpot was good. Be safe.”
They left the apartment, one going back to his own while the other ran down the stairs, practically breaking the door of his complex as he stepped into the night, frantically looking for the direction towards Chuuya’s location on his phone’s GPS. The walk (run) to the location was a good 45 minutes of sprinting through the city, which made Atsushi glad he’d done track throughout his entire teenage years. He arrived in front of a large modern looking building, ringing at the apartment named Nakahara. “It’s opened, 3rd floor," replied the speaker.
Atsushi barely knocked as he opened the door in a hurry, panting and sweating like he hadn’t in years, scanning the place for any sign of his friend. “Atsushi!” he heard calling from the end of the hallway, which he assumed was the living room ; in it were only two people : Chuuya Nakahara, seemingly exhausted but somewhat unfazed, drying with a towel the hair of Osamu Dazai who was drenched and shivering under layers and layers of blanket. Atsushi swallowed a lump, carefully approaching the pair. He didn’t say a word, neither did Chuuya, nor Dazai, who was staring at the void, expressionless, simply shivering from time to time. “Let me guess, he sent you a really long paragraph about how much he sucks and how good you are? Yeah. Sit.”
Atsushi did so. “This isn’t the first time this has happened.
-Yeah.
-You didn’t take him to a hospital or something?
-Last time I did, he almost stabbed someone.”
Atsushi listened and Chuuya finished drying Dazai’s hair.
“We were 18, last time.
-Last time he did that was a year ago.
-I know. I’m his emergency contact. I couldn’t be here, I’m sorry that you were.
-It’s fine.”
Really, it wasn’t fine ; nothing was fine. One of his best friends had just tried to kill himself, for the nth time in the history of their friendship. And Atsushi hated himself for not being more surprised. Chuuya seemed exhausted, but in a way someone would be tired of a routine. He’d known him since they were 15.
“Do you think you can handle talking to him alone? He won’t listen to me right now, and I have nothing comforting to say either. It’s fine if you don’t want to.”
Atsushi sat next to Dazai, “No, it’s fine, I can do that. Go rest or something.”
Instead of going back to bed, Chuuya simply moved to his open kitchen and poured himself a large glass of wine, looking attentively at Atsushi, seemingly waiting for his next move.
Breathe in, breathe out.
“Hey, Dazai. It’s me, Atsushi.” He waited for an answer. Dazai lifted his head, slowly recovering some light in his face, “Hi, Atsushi” he smiled in a tired grin, “I’m cold.
-Yeah, I bet.
-I’m not really sorry.
-I know. If that’s of any comfort, I’m not sorry you didn’t die.
-Yeah, I kind of messed that up, right?”
Atsushi held his breath when he heard Chuuya muttering a broken “yeah you mess up a lot” from behind the counter.
Luckily, Dazai didn’t hear it, or pretended he didn't. Maybe he could only focus on Atsushi, “You scared me, Dazai.”
No answer. He wasn’t sorry.
“It’s fine. We’re here anyway.”
“You can yell at me, you know.” Dazai half-heartedly smiled, addressing his sentence to someone other than Atsushi.
“I’ll yell at you tomorrow, Chuuya interrupted
-Good. You can.
-Oh I will-” He cut himself, not wanting to actually start screaming everything that was going through his head.
“Do you need something?” Resumed Atsushi, “Water? Food? A hug? Anything?”
Dazai seemed to be tasting his own tongue, “I need a nap”, then fell back on the couch.
Atsushi sighed. That’s as far as he’d ever get to getting Dazai to calm down- Dazai taking a nap was usually a good sign, that was the closest he would allow himself to get vulnerable.
He was fast asleep, allowing Atsushi to visit Chuuya in the kitchen, pouring himself another glass and offering one to Atsushi, who declined. “Just water.”
“Do you know what happened?
-He jumped into the river
-No, Chuuya, I mean, why’d he…
-Jump into the river?”
Chuuya seemed so unfazed; Atsushi knew he wasn’t, but this man’s self-control felt uncanny, especially considering he had always acted like someone with a short fuse.
“How long have you known Dazai?
-Like…A bit more than a year, give or take.”
Chuuya looked almost impressed, Damn, he must really like you.
“It’s not my place to say everything but…he lost a good friend a while ago… It was his friend’s birthday today. Usually he seems to manage but- well, he’s been getting bad lately again, I mean, on top of losing his best friend, this guy is utterly fucked up.”
Atsushi clenched his jaw, “I know, I shouldn’t talk about him like that, especially when he’s here, but we’re not… It's complicated. It’s not like I’m his friend.”
“Is he going to stay here?
-Well, he won’t have a choice.” Chuuya sighed.
“Say, you were with Ryuu earlier?”
Atsushi blushed, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the turn the conversation was taking , “I don’t think now’s the time to-
-What? Do you want us to keep talking about this guy’s messed up brain? Spit it, man.”
Atsushi refilled his glass, the lukewarm tap water tasted like blood in his mouth. “Yeah, I was, but I left.
-Take care of him, Atsushi. Let me guess, he didn’t want to come?
-Yeah, he-
-Didn’t want to intervene or something? Look, Ryuu’s got some pretty complicated feelings about Dazai, he might act out of this whole thing, Chuuya gestured a hand around, but Dazai’s actions have always affected him in a way or another.”
Atsushi took in this information, yeah, Dazai kind of…does that. “Were they… Involved or something…?”
Chuuya mimicked disgust, “Heavens, no! Well not like you think, at least. Dazai was from one of their foster families.”
Dazai’s snoring could be heard from the kitchen, both men who were awake glanced over the counter, making sure the snoring was real.
“I don’t think you should be telling me any more”, Atsushi resumed.
“Yeah, you’ll figure it out together.”
They spent a few more minutes talking about nothing and anything, mostly nothing, thanks to Chuuya’s ability to easily distract people with his myriad of anecdotes, which he used effectively to take Atsushi’s mind off of everything that had happened that night. Near 2AM, Chuuya tapped on Dazai’s shoulder, “Hey, slimey, bed or couch?
-What…?
-Bed or couch?
-Hmmm… Bed I guess.”
Setting himself to carry Dazai to his bedroom, Chuuya offered Atsushi a place on the couch, if he didn’t feel like going back to his flat. Atsushi declined, wanting to go back to his bed, his living room, his flat, where everything still smelled like his previous date. Lifting Dazai up, Chuuya nodded goodbye to Atsushi, “I’ll see you on Halloween?
-Yeah, sure.
- Be careful on your way home, sleep tight, take care.”
And Atsushi left, going home at a slightly slower pace than he had come in.