To Clip One's Wings
She could only comprehend the sensation as being drowned in a sea of flames. If Eva had a nickel for every moment she could describe a feeling as being similar to fire or heat, the mathematician would have… a lot more nickels than someone should ever really have. Of course, it wasn’t really her choice to experience that kind of discomfort. It was just something that happened because she was Eva Tsunaka: forever destined for pain, forever destined to be hated, forever destined to remain unlovable. Don’t lie. You’re the one who keeps destroying everything. You inflicted this on yourself. However, this was very different from what she had become used to. Every time she tried to shift her body around, it was as if there were weights glued to her limbs. Each one pulled her further and further into the inky depths, the heat slowly becoming more and more unbearable, searing her skin raw. All of it was too much. It felt like every nerve in her body was being shredded to pieces, her innards being crushed by invisible hands, constricting tighter with every passing second. Eva tried to gasp out, to scream or yell for someone to save her, yet air refused to enter her lungs, the organ trapped in a vice within her chest as it begged for a single inhale. She couldn’t breathe, yet she wouldn’t succumb to suffocation, no matter how much she wished it’d all end. All she could do was wordlessly fall deeper and deeper, the small bits of light she could see closing in on itself as it all grew further away.
Despite the agony, she was somehow able to still piece together coherent thoughts. They were all meaningless declarations though, like saying this wasn’t fair, or asking why her life had always been like this. They were all empty words she knew the answers to. She had always known the answer to it all, but Eva just never wanted to admit it. It was easier to bury it inside, to see herself as the victim in it all, even though she was at fault. To acknowledge her involvement, her guilt… was to acknowledge that all of her suffering could have been avoided. Everything that had happened to her all her life could have easily been changed if she had simply just tried. But, all she could do was self-destruct. The self-proclaimed Ultimate Liar only ever lied to herself. She lied out of paranoia, and lied to protect what little self-esteem and pride she clung to. There were people who did hate her, but in the end, she stopped trying to let people in. She gave up, telling herself that there wasn’t a single person that would ever care. How ironic for the one thing she ever clinged to with hope amounted to being a feeble defense mechanism that had only caused harm.
There’s no point… bothering to lie anymore. It doesn’t matter. All of this… is my fault. Even if I still think it’s unfair, it’s still my fault… I dug this pit I threw myself in… Eva smiled bitterly. She was dead, destined to burn in hellfire forever. At the very least she could be honest with herself for once, if only to give her mind a modicum of peace. Then, she could genuinely be remorseful for the rest of her damned afterlife. What was the point of resistance when she was fully aware of what she did? The mathematician was already down in Hell to pay for her crimes. Lying had no benefit, only serving to make her more miserable and spiteful, propping whatever petty vendettas she had on the false notion that her excuses were valid justifications. So, she closed her eyes, letting the flames consume her, and for the first time in her life, her mind felt clear.
Truly, Eva imagined that would have been a perfect resolution to this pathetic story that was her life… had she actually been dead. Instead of continuing to sink into the scalding abyss and pay her dues for her sins, her eyes blearily opened to see the blurred ceiling of her bed’s canopy, the dull grey-black fabric welcoming her back with as much bravado as a blue-screened laptop. Slowly blinking in disbelief, she waited for her surroundings to return to the scenery from before, but nothing happened. Eva was alive, and for some reason that fact pissed her off. She would have spent more time feeling insulted by it all if it wasn’t for the rush of soreness and throbbing that soon assaulted her. A soft hiss escaped her lips as she felt intense physical pain to levels she hadn’t ever experienced before. She was no stranger to being beaten up. A couple of weeks after she had saved her school’s mathletics team, one of the older students had pulled her over into the bathroom. She was probably double Eva’s height, but that size difference didn’t seem to matter. At first, she was naive to think that maybe the girl was going to apologize for how tense everything was between her and the members, or maybe even tell her that she had done a good job, simply bringing them somewhere else so the others wouldn’t pounce on the conversation. But, she should’ve known that she wasn’t going to get what she was hoping for. She left that bathroom in silence, tears running down her face, her hair a mess from the other girl pulling it, and a couple of bruises on her body and face from a few kicks and punches. Eva never complained, as she thought the adults were at least happy and proud of her. It didn’t make it sting any less. She was only eleven years old, and getting whaled on at that age hurt like hell. However, this agony she was in right now was a hundred times worse.
Though she couldn’t recall anything that happened in the boiler room after she went to knock out Wolfgang, it was clear that he had been mauling her like a literal wolf, no pun intended. She could feel every bruise pulsating angrily at her, and a sharp, fiery jolt running from her left hand up to her shoulder. The skin rubbed against the bandage and Eva wanted nothing more than to rip it off and scratch her palm raw. If part of her body wasn’t throbbing, then it was irritated beyond belief. Everything was so unbearably uncomfortable, but she couldn’t even move a muscle to attempt to remedy it. Underneath all the layers of red hot lava that was her entire being, she could feel that her joints were completely locked up. Even if she had the energy to attempt to move, the mathematician didn’t think she’d be able to make one of her fingers twitch. Whatever happened down there, it was evident that while she certainly took a beating, the lawyer definitely didn’t leave that room unscathed either. She rarely did anything that involved tons of physical activity after all, and now she felt like she had run fifty marathons. As much as it hurt, she couldn’t help but be impressed by how much adrenaline could enhance one’s capabilities.
Bweh… now’s not the time to think about that… she admonished herself, shaking the intrusive curiosities out of her brain. It was too easy for her to get sidetracked if she allowed her thoughts to run like a flowing river. To get herself back on track, she spent the next few minutes trying to blink away the blurriness from her vision, and reclaim whatever little muscle control she could. Saying that she felt extremely accomplished for just being able to lift her head slightly, or turn her neck was… a unique blow to her already eviscerated ego, but a win was a win… was what she kept telling herself. It didn’t give her much field of view coverage, but Eva had just enough adjustment ability to see the fuzzy image of a mattress out of the corner of her eyes. Laying on that mattress just so happened to be two familiar mops of hair: one a gaudy pink with black roots, and the other… a honey blond that became the one thing that had instinctively made her feel safe.
It didn’t take her long to piece the puzzle together. Just like solving the poster, it only took a few calculations and some logical reasoning for her to deduce an estimate of what occurred. While she wasn’t sure how she became disoriented, in that span of time, she and the Ultimate Lawyer got into a violent physical altercation. She lost the altercation, eventually being knocked out. With the meetup times already arranged, Diana had to have heard them near the end of the fight and came running down to help. Eva doubted she would have simply run back upstairs to call the others, the cosmetologist most likely opting to enter the boiler room. It was just that girl’s nature. Somehow, she was able to stop the lawyer from killing her, as she had no doubt he would have with how much adrenaline was probably clouding his mind, and help arrived afterwards. It also meant that Wolfgang was absolutely alive, a fact that sent a wave of complicated emotions through her. The mathematician was glad that she didn’t end up killing him, and was definitely lucky to not have been murdered by him in self-defense. However, in the end, she was still as good as dead. Completely and utterly screwed.
Eva Tsunaka had failed her mission, and now the target on her back was permanent. Everyone would find out about her attempt, and what little trust she had from the others would vanish. She’d become the number one option to turn into a corpse, and she wouldn’t even be able to blame them. Their actions would be justified, no matter how unfair the girl felt her situation was. And, all of this would only happen if Tozu didn’t kill her first. The stipends of her deal were clear. Though she couldn’t truly tell how long she had, there was no doubt in her mind that her failure was enough for the masked man to be bored of her. For that deranged host, his boredom was a good enough reason to have her time limit expire. Yet, it wasn’t death she was afraid of. She had already come to terms with that when she decided to do as Tozu said. No, it wasn’t death… but dying surrounded by those who despised her. The Ultimate could handle dying all alone and forgotten, as sad of an existence as that would be. But, at least in that scenario, no one would be there to look down on her. Here, however? It was Eva’s worst nightmare, to die knowing that there were people there who could shed a tear, or feel any form of sadness towards her death, yet for none of them to actually care. If anything, should she be murdered, her ‘classmates’ would probably sing praises to the Blackened for getting rid of scum like her. They’d probably only feel miserable about the fact that the killer would have to be executed if they wanted to live. That reality was the one thing she didn’t want to come true, yet it was most likely what awaited in her future… and it pierced her deeply.
“It’s not fair… this isn’t fair…!”
Once the tears began, she couldn’t stop them. Days of stress and anxiety, of despair towards everything, and resentment towards everyone, of knowing every step led her closer to the gates of the underworld, of realizing that all her life ever culminated to was misery, and wishing that she had simply not been born instead—it all flowed out of her like a rushing tidal wave. Why did everything always turn out terribly for her? Outside of this academy, she did everything to gain her peers’ admiration and praise, to hopefully hear the adults say they were proud of her, or to just pat her on the head for working hard. Yet, no one saw Eva. No one cared about Eva. People who looked at her only ever saw potential to cultivate, or an annoyance they wanted to crush. They saw her abilities, not the person underneath it all. She never got rewarded for anything she did, only shackles that she could never escape, for her only sense of self that existed was in their words, the words of people who she didn’t trust. Even though she wanted to escape them, she couldn’t. Losing their words meant losing her sense of self, no matter how vile the exchange for it was. Besides, if she abandoned everything she had, her talent, her accursed title, and whatever status she had gained prior to it all, what value would her life have? No one wanted a normal Eva. They wanted the prodigy they could flaunt.
Meanwhile, inside this hellhole of an academy, it was practically the same as out there. The only difference outside was that the adults at least valued her intelligence. No one here valued anything she could offer them, especially once her title was revealed. As the Ultimate Liar, even though her talent didn’t make her seem physically strong, no one viewed her as weak. Eva became someone who shouldn’t be messed with. It was such a nice feeling for once, to feel assured that no one would pick on or exploit her, regardless of how scared she had still been about the whole situation. She thought she finally wouldn’t be some marionette for people to toss around as they saw fit. Yet, she couldn’t even have that small amount of freedom. The girl bit her lip in frustration. She may have lied about her talent, but what right did any of them have to judge her for it? Didn’t they see the way they acted? How did it shock them that she lied about her talent, when their reactions were such clear reasons as to why? Even the talents of weaker individuals like the Ultimate Matchmaker or the Ultimate Music Producer were at least skills that others had some level of respect for. Mathlete only had a singular image: a nerdy, social outcast whose only skill was solving math equations quickly for high school level math competitions. It wasn’t even something that would look impressive now that she wasn’t a high schooler. Other talents worked for any age, but hers was trapped in a niche corner that she never wanted to be in. Eva wondered if they even bothered to consider how their reactions would hurt her. She hoped they hadn’t, because if they did think about it, then it'd only hurt her more.
None of it was fair. What would it take for her to get what she deserved in life? How much more did she have to do to finally know what love felt like? Eva worked like a slave, doing everything they wanted, yet never got a damn thing in return. Everything she did was never rewarded. She was only given new expectations, new work to mindlessly complete, and new people who looked at her like she was lesser than dirt. Was that why Tozu decided to trap her? She just happened to be the easiest target because she was broken from the start. A mirthless laugh broke through her choked sobs. No, it probably wasn’t even that. The host probably knew that there wasn’t a single person who cared whether or not she was dead or alive. Yet, even then, she kept trying to survive, and he knew she’d do anything to keep herself going. After all, if no one wanted her, then all she could do was want herself, no matter how twisted those feelings were. He took advantage of that and set her up, forcing her into a spot where all she could do was say yes. It was all that asshole’s fault. He rigged the stupid game just so he could see her die. I did have a choice though. I could have refused to kill, or even refused to the perk regardless of how slim the chances were he’d let me do so, but instead I chose to murder someone. It’s still my fault.
Eva laid there, crying softly as her laments flooded her. She hated everything: her life, her talent, her dumb title, the people who ruined her sense of self, the other Ultimates who were blind to their hypocrisy, her inability to trust, her refusal to believe that Diana and Damon could actually be on her side, and most of all, she hated herself. She loathed everything that she had become, from her deranged sense of superiority to the weak victim who cried in the bathroom stalls. The mathematician was so fucked up in so many awful, horrible ways. But, no matter how many times she tried to escape it all, she’d fall back down into the cavernous pit. The crow could never touch the sun, only fly further into the embrace of agonizing solitude. If all she could do was suffer, maybe it’d be simpler if she just killed herself. She could die on her own terms, and possibly get back at everyone else, making them feel guilty for what they did. It was a sick thought that made the girl’s stomach curl, but a part of her mind smiled gleefully at the idea.
“I’m so… disgusting… fuck…” she cursed under her breath, hiccupping. “I can’t take responsibility… or escape being used… I can’t even think about killing myself without wanting to hurt others…! Why am I like this?! What’s wrong with me?!
Her voice grew louder as her anxiety spiked, causing her to spit every vile thing she could towards herself. The air in her lungs felt like it was growing thinner, each push to breathe becoming more difficult than the last. What little she could see without her glasses was now even cloudier as her eyes grew overwhelmingly watery. The sound of her heart beat pounded in her ears, masking the soft steps that were now approaching her at a rapid pace. It took her several minutes to even realize that Damon had propped her into a sitting position, one hand held gently around her own, and the other awkwardly rubbing circles into her back. The bruises on her skin made the motions a bit unpleasant, which was what quickly brought her back into reality, as her hyperventilating was brought to a halt. Blue eyes met green, both looking like deers in headlights. She snatched her hand away with a jolt, wincing as her muscles screamed at her. Yet, that pain was nothing compared to the sensation upon her skin. It was as if his touch was searing her, yet a part of Eva craved more. She had to resist reaching back out to cling to him, her brain overloading with stimuli she couldn’t comprehend. It was too much: too warm, too gentle, too kind for her to deserve it.
The blond didn’t say anything when she rejected his touch, merely retracting his hand with that same, serious look that made it seem like someone personally offended him, even though his mind was probably thinking about literally anything else. This time, however, the mathematician could tell there was an array of emotions behind his gaze, which contained a softness she hadn’t seen from him before. It probed her own eyes, searching for something deep within her, whatever conflicting conclusions he was coming up with making his fingers twitch with tension. Eva could tell he wanted to start speaking, but he obviously hadn’t been prepared for her to snap out of her panicked stupor so quickly. So instead, they remained in their spots, dead silent as they both kept flicking their eyes towards the other, before swerving them away to avoid eye contact again. The words they needed to say remained caught on their tongues, desperate to escape, yet forced back by hesitance.
If there was a clock in Eva’s room, she could imagine the dull ticking sound slowly driving her crazy, until she’d finally crack and say something. Yet, the oppressive quiet walled off any drive she had to press forward. Everything she had to come clean about was festering inside her brain, shredding her into pieces, but it was too frightening to confess. She still didn’t want to get hurt… she didn’t want to admit her fault in it all out loud because she didn’t believe she could handle the weight of that responsibility. So, she bit her lip instead, lightly chewing on her gums with the hopes that maybe she’d be able to draw blood, prompting Damon to leave and get medical help. But, Eva couldn’t even bring herself to do that with how much her body creaked and ached. It didn’t matter if a small wound like that would just be buried by the myriad of cuts and bruises stinging in tandem. The idea of stacking one more ounce of pain upon herself was enough to make her feel like passing out. Thankfully, the debater broke stillness before she could muster up the courage to act recklessly, clearing his throat to signal her attention. Though he looked rather sheepish, fidgeting nervously with one of his shirt cuffs, with one deep breath, Damon brought his gaze to her with determination.
“Was it Wolfgang who lured you, or did you lure him?”
“... Straight to the point, I see,” she mumbled. He didn’t say anything in response, simply staring her down for an answer. And not at all giving me the option to run… bweh…
She sighed, and with more shakiness than she would’ve liked, she choked out the truth. “It… was me. I… well… I’m guessing you understand what I was planning to do… right?”
“... Why?”
“Huh?”
Damon pursed his lips tightly together, his hands balling into fits. “What drove you to kill, Eva? I know we both didn’t trust the others thinking so optimistically in a situation like this, but I know you didn’t want to see bloodshed just as much as me, so why? Why did you do this?”
Her guilty conscience wouldn’t let her run away from the regret that was baring its fangs at her. His voice was steady, but his hurt bled through every single word. It was a fragility that didn’t match his normally hardened exterior, and a pain that she was the direct cause of. Eva could feel the pit within her threatening to swallow her whole. Her desire to flee had tripled, but beyond being physically incapable of running, she couldn’t bring herself to turn away from those green eyes that looked so close to shattering to pieces. Her brow furrowed in self-reproach, that awful nagging monster inside her twisting and gnashing its teeth, hoping to take a bite out of her despairing heart. She was terrified to tell him the story, but he deserved to know the truth. Eva didn’t want to hurt Damon any more than she already had, even if that meant stabbing herself with a knife. No matter how much she wanted to avoid suffering, she couldn’t bring herself to do it at the expense of someone else, especially him. She was tired… of making others suffer because of her.
“... The day when everyone found out about my real talent, I snuck out at night to solve the puzzle involving the poster.”
Damon stared at her, startled by the fact that she genuinely responded to his question. He blinks, and then comments, “I thought you said you hadn’t figured it out…”
“That was obviously a lie,” she chuckled weakly, staring down at her bandaged hands. “The moment I saw the poster, I had a hunch on what it meant, but I wasn’t positive enough to say anything out loud. But, that night, I trusted my judgment and tried to solve it. My guess was right.”
“What was the puzzle?”
Her shoulders slumped. “It was a math equation. To simplify the details, the images represented a coordinate plane. You had to find the specific points that the two other stars represented. It was actually pretty well hidden, but… for someone like me…”
“It must have been obvious,” he mused, grasping his chin in consideration of the new facts.
“Yeah… I-I know I should have stopped then. The puzzle catered specifically to my talent… It was clearly a targeted trap, but I was too stubborn and desperate to care,” Eva bitterly hissed out, cursing under her breath. “When I inputted the code, behind the door was a small tablet. It didn’t even look like a tablet, it was more or less in the shape of a small handheld console. That prize… was a special perk that allowed you to access the school’s security cameras.”
The debater jolted to attention at that one, wide-eyed with fascination and mild horror. He seemed to immediately understand the benefits and dangers of such a device, and how much of an advantage the perk would give to anyone who owned it. Whether for malicious or well-intended purposes, having camera access meant being able to monitor anyone’s movement, as well as be forewarned about possible suspicious activity, from someone trying to obtain weapons to murder, or even meetups with Tozu. By the look on his face, he’s probably thinking about what Wolfgang would have used the console for , Eva concluded as she looked at Damon deeply pondering the new details. It didn’t surprise her. After all, she had the same thought when she was planning her crime. The mathematician considered a variety of possibilities, but eventually stopped, seeing no point in worrying about trivial matters about a soon-to-be dead man. Or, who she assumed would be dead.
“Anyways,” she continued. “The console was called the Traitor Perk. Tozu explained it the moment I opened the door in the pharmacy. He must have been waiting nearby, watching me through the cameras to see if I would crack it. I have no doubt he predicted my movements too. It’d explain why he seemed so prepared… though, that’s not important. He approached me to explain the perk I had found, and told me that in order to claim what I earned, I had to make a deal with him. Truthfully, I didn’t think it was actually a choice. He masqueraded it as an option, but it was evident that the moment I opened that door, the perk was already as good as mine, whether I wanted it in the end or not. Of course, the deal was the true life or death situation he mentioned. The one condition to be able to take the perk was to agree to perform the first kill. I… thought I could just ignore his threat. After all, I assumed he couldn’t do anything to me unless I broke the rules in some way. I was terrified of being killed by someone. When my real talent was revealed, every ounce of anxiety I had about our reality came crashing down on me. With how Wolfgang was isolating me, the way everyone mocked me the moment they learned I was just a mathlete, my second realization that I was in a Killing Game where everyone already hated or distrusted me… I felt that if I didn’t have something to give me an advantage over them, someone would come after me. So, I agreed to his deal, not intending to honor it. I just wanted something that could make me feel safe. I assumed the life or death situation was related to the deal to kill. However, as soon as I took it, I realized it was worse than that. Before he ran off, he told me that if I didn’t kill soon… I’d be the one to die. He did tell me how much time I had, just that I needed to kill soon. But, it didn’t matter if he elaborated on the timeframe or not. The anxiety and fear was already planted in my brain.”
“So, you took the perk thinking you could ignore Tozu’s demands, only to get trapped by him,” Damon reiterated. “But, Eva, I know you’re intelligent. There’s no way you didn’t realize he’d have a way to trap you into fulfilling the deal.”
Her lips pressed into a thin line, quivering with frustration. “I always knew… I have no doubt I understood that, but at the time, I was too desperate to listen to my logic. My emotions had already pushed me to solve the puzzle to open the door, despite knowing that it was specifically aimed for me to do so. By that point, I don’t think my mind could have done anything. Though… I wasn’t resolved to kill after he told me that. I was extremely conflicted. I didn’t want to die to Tozu, but I also didn’t want to kill anyone.”
“... so what convinced you in the end?”
“The morning we got the blackmail motive,” she responded, her eyes softening with sadness as she thought about it. “When I looked in my envelope, I knew that Tozu was trying to nudge me to murder, hinting that there were weapons I could use to concoct a plan. I already knew about Jett’s lithium batteries, so I had already known that was an option. However, I still was trying to resist. It wasn’t until Tozu said he made the motive after what I said, did I truly feel like my life was in near danger. Mark and Grace’s remarks petrified me. I could feel the target on my back being engraved in my skin, and in that moment, I couldn’t see the people around me as merely individuals I distrusted and were wary of, but bloodthirsty monsters who wanted to make me pay. I thought that if I wanted to live, I had to act or else I would be the first one to die.”
Those words made something inside herself writhe, snarling and squeezing within her to break free. It was as if the devil had a hand on her heart and was slowly trying to make it pop, claws gripping tighter and tighter as the organ contorted around it. She could still feel that anxiety, the thought that someone might just burst through the door and attempt to strangle her, or Mara appearing to put a bullet through her skull. Even if she already knew her life was forfeit, that she had come to terms with her own death for a long while, it didn’t make it any less scary. It wasn’t like dying to a disease that you had been suffering from for a long time. Eva was sitting there waiting for someone to cut her breath short with no warning, and that wait made every second of living so much worse. God, stop wallowing in self-pity. This is your own damn fault! She shook her head, sending the thoughts to the back of her head. She had to focus on explaining herself.
Eva moved on forward with her tale, explaining how she spent the next few days executing her plan. On the same day they got the blackmail motive, around midday-ish, she sent out the letters to her chosen targets of Wolfgang and Diana, both strategic options as she mentioned that Wolfgang felt like the biggest threat to her being outed in a trial, and Diana would be the easiest to lure down to the boiler room by using the lawyer’s name. Even prior to that, she had gone down to the boiler room after arranging a quick meeting with Tozu after the events in the dining hall, utilizing the cameras to signal him, to confirm that there would be no punishment if school property was damaged as part of a murder, a fact which the masked man confirmed to be true. She excluded the way in which the deranged figure had laughed maniacally with glee, or the way his hand curled around her shoulder as he reminded her that if she didn’t kill, her head was on the chopping block, or… the words he told her with that bloodthirsty gaze of insanity.
“Ah, I knew you’d come around, little mathlete! The killer’s mindset certainly was within your arsenal. It was just a matter of pushing the right buttons, hm? Oh, don’t look at me with such disdain. You’re the one who wanted this. I wouldn’t kid yourself, Blackened. In the end, trading one life for your own is a perfectly reasonable sacrifice. Oh wait, it’s fifteen. My bad!”
As the chill of his voice settled in her thoughts, she shakily pressed forward, her voice quivering more and more with every word. Damon didn’t interrupt with any commentary. He listened silently as she explained how she stole everything utilizing the cameras as well as sneaking out at night. It was her only method to guarantee that Jett or Desmond wouldn’t be in their rooms, as well as ensure that no one saw her rooting through the pharmacy cabinets or snatching the rolling pin from the dining hall. From there, she stashed everything in the boiler room and basement storage closets, as hiding them in her own room or Diana’s room felt like too much of a risk, even if the cosmetologist wouldn’t have bothered to pry. All it would have taken was one word from Wolfgang to search the dorms, and her secret would’ve been revealed. By that point, Eva explained that she had fleshed out pretty much all of the details, planning to knock out and drug Wolfgang when he arrived, move his body into the water, have Diana and him get into a struggle in order to make it more believable she killed him, planting the already fired taser from the marksman’s room as a decoy, and then when there was enough evidence to frame her roommate, she’d trigger the trap from the dining hall. Her only issue at the time was the matter of an alibi, as well as not being caught in such a public place. However, even that was circumvented once Cassidy announced her SSSE tournament, which would give her the perfect alibi, as well as a method to cover up the noise of the other two down in the boiler room. It was a big gamble, especially being so last minute, but she trusted her own calculations and logic. She had zero doubts everything would work.
“... and that’s about everything,” she finished, taking a shaky exhale out as she felt her heart begin to slow. “I knew Wolfgang stole a knife before he came downstairs as a precaution, so I knew I had to be stealthy. But, as you already know, I failed my plan. The one thing I failed to factor was my emotional state. I was too confident in my poker face to realize all of my tension was ready to explode out of me. I.. don’t remember what I did in the boiler room, but I can imagine that it had something to do with it.”
“... I see,” Damon muttered, his eyes deep with thought. “I have a question. You said you chose Wolfgang and Diana for strategic reasons. While I understand what you said, there was a personal motive behind it too, right?”
Her hand clenched the blanket covering her legs tightly, ignoring the shooting sting as her palms complained. She knew this question would come, but all the same, she didn’t want to answer it. All of Eva’s personal vendettas felt so disgusting to even think about. They were petty, driven by paranoia she was unable to escape from, and born of weaknesses she could never overcome. Everything was cruelty that had spawned from a heart that never knew love, for it had ended up rejecting even the faintest bit of light. Wolfgang and Diana were both good people. She may have disagreed with the lawyer, but his naive opinions came from a place of kindness, and his suspicions of Eva were validly founded from her lying, alongside her cold approach to stating her concerns and opinions. The cosmetologist might have seemed like a hypocrite in her own eyes, but the girl was sweeter than nectar, and cared for everyone around her no matter their flaws or attitudes, no matter how much the mathematician thought it was too good to be real. What validity did her own motives have when they were based upon illusory images of them as their worst selves? However, if she didn’t face it all, then everything she was doing now would become pointless.
She sucked in a breath, the words coming out through choked shame. “There was… I… I hated Wolfgang for what he did… for isolating us, and then making me look like I was some sort of villain… it wasn’t right, but that didn’t invalidate his opinions… it was fair for him to be wary of me… calling myself the Ultimate Liar only for that to be revealed to be a lie, bluntly stating my opinions without a care for how people would be able to handle it… especially with all the stress… needless to say I didn’t give him much to have faith in. Still, I thought he was awful… so, deciding to kill him out of everyone else… it felt right for some reason. As for Diana…”
Eva gulped, her eyes stinging as she recalled the cosmetologist’s gentle smile towards her when she entered Diana’s room for the first time. “... I didn’t trust her… Everything she did felt hypocritical. She’d smile at me one moment, yet actively agree and follow whatever Wolfgang did. Even though she encouraged us to join the investigation, she never really admonished him for what he did… nor did she try to stop him from maintaining his status quo. It felt like she had double standards… so, I didn’t believe she was actually being kind or caring out of the goodness of her heart. I thought… she was just taking pity on me, tolerating the pathetic mathlete because no one else would. To me, if she genuinely cared, she would have tried to actively stop Wolfgang… not just attempt to be liked by everyone by not choosing sides. Diana looked like a naive people pleaser who didn’t actually care about others, only her image. She wanted to mean something to everyone, but was too cowardly to do anything beyond going along with the person in charge, unwilling to truly value anyone. After all, if everyone is equal, no one actually is special in any way, no one means anything deep to that person. In that case, their care can’t be coming from the heart… I wasn’t special to her. I didn’t mean anything to her… I was just some obligation, a means to an end… which is why I felt she deserved it… being framed that is…”
In another life, she could have succeeded in framing Diana, and watched the horror on her face from being betrayed and sentenced to death by her. Eva wondered if the girl would finally express rage or hatred towards her then with her last remaining minutes of life. And yet, in another, she pictured herself at the end of the Class Trial, having failed to deceive everyone, while Diana cried out asking why she tried to frame her, despite her caring so much about the mathematician. In either scenario, she could imagine her words vividly; the words of someone who did something they could never take back, full of venom and bitterness. She’d tell her that everything the Ultimate Cosmetologist did meant nothing, and that she deserved it, every single point dripping with malice and repressed regret; the anger of what Diana failed to do, and the regret of what the Ultimate wished she could have had with her.
She glanced back at Damon, whose face wore a frown as he stared at her. There was something sad lurking within those green eyes of his, as if he was looking through Eva entirely, peering into the cracks in her heart. She couldn’t tell if he was disappointed in her mentality, or simply felt pity for how much of a mess she was. It put a sour taste in her mouth. Even if she hoped for some sympathy deep down, pity still felt wrong. Her pride was founded on toxicity, but it wasn’t like a single moment of opening up was going to get rid of it. The mathematician averted her gaze, once again trying to repress the emotions swirling within her. She couldn’t recall the last time she had been this openly vulnerable. Not even her conversation with the debater regarding the blackmail had been nearly as exposing of her true feelings. It was stupid, but she felt self-conscious all of a sudden.
“I have two more questions for you,” Damon started, his abrupt speaking causing her to flinch. “You said you don’t recall what you did after you tried attacking Wolfgang. It’s possible that you ‘blacked out.’”
She cocked her head to the side in confusion, flicking her eyes back to the blond. “Blacked out?”
“Ah, to explain, you described yourself having to handle all of this by yourself. The situation itself was rather complicated, and you were under a lot of stress and anxiety. It’s possible when you went to attack, those emotions coupled with your adrenaline rush became too overwhelming… and you dissociated completely. However, you were still instinctually trying to attack him. Do you have any prior experience with dissociation?”
“Not that I know of,” Eva responded, shaking her head. “But… there’s a chance I have before without noticing. After all, there was hardly anything in my life that was worth being conscious for. It wouldn’t surprise me if I did to escape my shitty life…” A laugh escaped her as she weakly smiled, thinking back to all her memories as a child. It was all so vivid, yet it also seemed like a blur. Every second was consumed by the same awful emotions, the same awful people, and the same pressures and expectations that chained her. Eva wouldn’t call what she did as living, but rather barely existing. Her online life and her little gaming console seemed like the only things she had to escape reality. But maybe, she stopped being conscious of the world long, long ago. Maybe… she wasn’t bothering to try living. It wouldn’t surprise her if she had a history of dissociating. If anything, it made more sense as to why she was this way, constantly trapped inside her head, thoughts whirling about in a frenzy.
The debater looked like he wanted to comment on her self-deprecation, but bit back the words. Instead, he pushed forward, his voice quivering with vulnerability as he spoke. “Then, this is my final question. Eva… did you ever actually trust me, or is what you told me… a lie?”
“I-I… I don’t know…”
“Please, elaborate.”
“I don’t know if I did trust you…” she mumbled softly. “All I know… is that I really wanted to trust you, even if my actions seem contradictory… I wanted to change… but I couldn’t escape myself…”
She was expecting him to become angry, to start yelling at her in a fury for her betrayal. All she gave him were terrible excuses that couldn’t justify anything she did. If Eva was Damon, she wouldn’t believe herself at all. Everything just seemed too two-faced for her words to sound like the truth, even though she knew she was being honest. No matter how much her fears had convinced her that she couldn’t trust Damon, the debater had trusted her. The Ultimate was his only ally in this whole terrifying Killing Game. He was the person who had refused to trust anyone else, and actively believed trusting so easily was a risk. Yet, he broke his own claims and put his faith in Eva. And, she repaid the debater by proving him right in the worst way possible. She was a traitor through and through, no matter how much she tried to deny it. However, instead of spitting venom from his mouth, shouting curses and revilement towards her, the mathematician saw something she had never seen the blond do. Upon his face was a small smile. It was wobbly, as if a breeze could blow it away, but it was unmistakably a gesture of warmth and kindness, of understanding. But, Eva didn’t understand why.
“It all lines up with what you said,” he spoke, his voice almost a whisper.
“... w-what…?” she stammered in perplexity. Damon gazed at her with so much care that she felt like she might burst. Hesitantly, a hand gently enveloped her own, and this time, she didn’t pull away. Eva looked back at him, her vision beginning to blur from the bubbling sentiment of cherishment creeping its way into the depths of her soul.
“When I was helping Jean, I kept thinking about whether you trusted me, or if what you told me was a lie,” the debater stated. “Your actions always felt so self-destructive, like you couldn’t help but see everyone as your enemy. The way you tried to hide your talent… even if it was to feel more confident, to feel superior, or just an act of self-defense… I felt like it was impossible for you to not see the harm in lying like that. If your first instinct is to deceive, then everyone will view you as a threat that can’t be believed, no matter if your opinions hold validity or not. Your solution may have brought you comfort and security, Eva, but from what I’ve at least seen, you’re not blind. Your emotions can overwhelm you, but you’re perceptive. There’s no way you didn’t understand where everyone’s negative attention came from. You were just… incapable of bringing yourself to trust others… to believe that they could like you for who you were, and not just see your despised title.” He paused, a shallow exhale shakily exiting his body. She felt his pointer finger gently drawing circles into the back of her hand, every loop an effort to calm his nerves. Finally, he looked back at her, that weak smile stirring something within her.
“Even so, what you said is true… that you wanted to trust me. After all, you showed me Desmond’s blackmail. You could argue that you only did so as a potential backup plan, or to manipulate me in the class trial. But, in actuality, all informing me does is incriminate you. You’d be the only one who knew where the taser gun was prior besides myself, and Occam’s Razor would suggest that you were the one who stole it, rather than someone randomly raiding his room. The only reason that you’d try to tell me something like that when you were actively planning a murder… is because you wanted to trust me, enough to try reaching out for help. At least, that’s what I’ve deduced, especially considering you hesitated when I asked you about the poster. Eva, were you trying to ask me to help you?”
The Ultimate didn’t reply, merely staring at her lap as she processed Damon’s analysis. She knew the answer, but the words wouldn’t come to her. Every complicated emotion tied to it all made it impossible for her to communicate everything verbally. There weren’t descriptors in the human language to convey the depth of her desperation and despair during that moment. However, she knew he wasn’t looking for an actual response. His tone said as much, his question directed to the air rather than Eva herself. He simply wanted to get it all off his chest, to let those thoughts and feelings festering within him loose into the world so she could hear. And besides, the mathematician could tell he already understood what she would say anyways. The truth was obvious to anyone.
He narrowed his gaze, brow furrowing, as he let out another sigh. “It would be a lie for me to say I didn’t care about you. No matter how many times I told myself that this was a temporary alliance, or you were just some stranger who I still had to be wary of, it doesn’t erase the fact that I trusted you. I wanted to believe in you, to be your ally… and I held on to that. When I saw you down in the boiler room… every ounce of anxiety I had throughout these past five days came crashing down on me. All I could process was how pale you were, and the blood that was staining dyeing your skin red.”
Eva turned her head, watching Damon shudder at the memories. “Until Kai snapped me out of it, my mind kept repeating over and over again that you were dead, and that I had failed you. I kept thinking about everything I told you to hide between the two of us, how I only solidified our isolated standing in the group. It felt like your blood was on my hands. So, now knowing that you were down there to commit a crime… I feel conflicted. I’m pissed off that you betrayed me and toyed around with my emotions. It feels fucking awful!” He finally snapped, his voice raising loudly as he slammed his balled fist into his leg, while his other hand clenched tighter against her own. The mathematician winced as she felt pressure on her cuts, the injury for sure bleeding again. Yet, she didn’t bother to shake him off. She was hanging off his every word, desperate to know if it was too late to fly back down to him.
“I won’t sugarcoat it,” he huffed, his face flushed from his outburst. He retracted his grip, as if her touch suddenly was scalding him. “This entire situation broke the trust I had for you. I can’t forgive you for what you did.”
“Of course… I expected as much,” Eva mumbled, lips curling upward with bitterness. For what felt like the millionth time, she averted her gaze, opting to look at her now bleeding palm instead of those safe, green eyes turned cold with hatred. She wasn’t surprised by what he said, but it still stung regardless. The girl knew she deserved it all, from the injuries littering her body, to Damon’s loathing. She had been ready to commit a crime she could never take back, spilling blood and sacrificing fifteen individuals who deserved to live just so she could go back to a life she didn’t even want. It was a cruel, selfish desire that made her backstab so many, and for what? Nothing but measly scraps that she despised anyways. Her actions held no justification, only empty rage and hurt that had nowhere else to go but towards those who didn’t deserve it. The debater had every right to admonish her actions and feel fury towards her. What were you expecting…? It’s obvious this would happen, she mulled over, mentally cursing at herself for daring to think she could hold onto anything. Well, at least for even a moment… someone I cared about trusted me in turn. Others would view her thoughts as depressing, but in her mind, she could die happy knowing those facts. However, her assumptions weren’t allowed to take root for long.
“And yet, even though you broke my trust…” he continued, his voice softening. “I still care about you. I tried telling myself to stop, but I couldn’t. It’s so strange. I can’t forgive, yet I still care… I sound like such a hypocrite.”
A mirthless laugh escaped him as he gently clutched her hand again, holding her like she was glass. “I may not be able to forgive you for what you did, but I still want to give you a second chance. It’s a bit… awkward to admit, but… deep down, I want to be your fr… I want to trust you again.”
Blue eyes met green, her mouth slightly agape as she tried to process his words. She could feel something ache in her heart; a chaotic blend of joy and sorrow, regret and hope, shame and endearment. All of it was far too sudden, and absolutely too good to be true. Yet, Damon’s eyes glimmered with sincerity and embarrassment, the sort of nervous look that indicated how unfamiliar he was with being open. The way his touch felt so unbearably considerate, his earnest, gentle smile, his gaze filled with so much warmth, and the love in his voice—they were all things Eva Tsunaka never imagined being able to experience, alive or dead. After all, every action she made sought to bury her further into the dark pit she had created for herself, where being prideful and playing the victim were the only ways she could cope with it all. Nowhere in that place did she know of goodwill, and yet at some point during this horrific situation of life and death, she had been unknowingly pulled up from the bottom. It was so overwhelming, the emotions and the physical contact, to the point where the warmth felt painful. Yet, she wanted more nonetheless, craving more intensity until it seared her. So, the mathematician nearly whined miserably when his hand pulled away, her skin crawling with tingles from where it had rested. The debater had abruptly gotten up from his chair, pushing it back against the wall, and cocking his head to the side with his back to her. She couldn’t see his expression from behind his hair, but from the slight quiver in his bottom lip, and the pink tint to his ears, gave him away.
“I still need a little time before I’m ready to try trusting you again,” Damon spoke, each word shakily coming out. “But, I want you to know that I care about you… and I’m really glad that you’re still alive, Eva.”
He hurriedly made his way to the door as soon as he finished making the statement, stumbling a few times on the way. Though he tried to stay quiet, a few ill-concealed sniffles escaped him before he could make it to the door knob. As he brought an arm up to wipe at his eyes, Eva’s own vision turned into a watery mess. It didn’t take long for the dam to break, curling into herself while sobs wracked her body. She shook so violently, gasping hungrily for air between every bawl. Yet, with every choked out inhale and exhale, she could feel a weight lift off her. That sense of peace made her cry even harder, yet through each teardrop that fell, she was able to piece together two words. They were two words she hadn’t said in a long time with genuine emotion behind them. But now, they were filled with every ounce of her enlightened belief towards the first person who ever stood on her side.
“Thank you…!”