Valentine
Julie and I agreed that Saturday would be a rest day. I was wiped out from the continued frenzy of frantic hunters at work, Jules had something on her mind that she didn't want to tell me of. I suspected it was her continued worry about Embry.
After I got off of work, we were sitting in the garage when Jules produced a box of chocolates from behind her back. She presented the red heart-shaped box triumphantly with a little smirk.
"I didn't even realize," I said as I took them carefully. My cheeks felt flushed. It was the type of chocolate I liked; she must have seen me snacking on it at some point.
"Mmhmm. So, will you be my Valentine?" She asked with a grin.
"What does that entail?" I asked shyly. My hands felt cold and my cheeks felt flushed.
"Oh, the usual. Undying servitude. Blood pact."
I smiled back and started peeling through the plastic. "Well, if that's all..."
A short while later, we were cuddled up on the couch. She sat upright while my back was turned to her, curled into her side. I still had the heated blanket draped over me, but Jules was an excellent heater as well. She said I cooled her down. The contact was surprisingly nice; I didn't bristle around her, unlike with everyone else.
Her arm was around the back of the couch, lazily picking into the chocolates as we shared it. She would specifically eat the ones I didn't enjoy. I eyed the bracelet on her wrist; the one we'd gotten together at the mall. She always wore it. Sunflowers.
I realized something and turned to look at her. "You never tell me about who you're dating."
"That would be because there's no one to tell you of."
I eyed her again. It seemed unreal that there wasn't someone vying for her attention.
She met my eyes. I swear I saw her cheeks darken. "What?"
"Really? Nobody at your school?"
She was definitely blushing. She grabbed another chocolate and popped it into her mouth, leaning her head back to stare at the ceiling of the garage. "Nobody at my school."
"Native guys not your type?" I guessed.
Jules was quiet for a long moment before cutting her eyes to me. Her next words were very careful. "Guys aren't my type."
She watched me as that processed, then gave me a small smile when my eyes widened. "Oh."
"Yeah. My Dad knows, so do Quil and Embry. My sisters. But I keep it mostly to myself." Jules popped her lips. "So, yeah."
I smiled to her, turning to sit beside her. I rested my head on her shoulder. "You're my first Valentine, you know?"
"That's shocking. Sorry to say, you're not mine." She grinned when I gave her a curious look. "Fourth grade. I said yes, then at recess I made him eat dirt."
"Poor guy." I paused. "Did you always know? That you liked girls."
"Yes and no. I thought how I felt about girls was just how everyone felt about their friends. I didn't realize until I felt my first real crush that it was different. Add to that, I felt grossed out by any guy that showed romantic interest. It took me a while to realize, but I also knew the entire time."
She chuckled to herself and rested her cheek on the top of my forehead. I reveled in the warmth. "It's more complicated than that, but that's the bare minimum of it."
There was a long bit of comfortable silence. I could almost fall asleep, all toasty and snug against Jules. I could feel her light beaming into me again. It was so real and palpable that I could feel her in my lungs, breathing her in.
"Nothing has to change now that you know, right?" Jules asked. Her voice was small. Full of fear.
I leaned back to look at her, but she wouldn't meet my eyes. I curled back into her again and rested my head on her shoulder, my forehead pressing into her neck.
"No, Jules. It changes nothing."
She exhaled and relaxed again. "Good."
"Has it been a problem before?" I asked.
"It gets awkward sometimes. But just to go ahead and clear the air ahead of time, I'm not going to make a move on you."
The thought stung me for an unknown reason. It felt like she'd stabbed me.
"Why not?"
Jules was blushing again. "Believe it or not, I'm shy. And I misread signals. And I know you're not into me. So I thought you should know that you don't have anything to worry about."
I felt a flush rise to my cheeks. Not embarrassment, but an emotion I hadn't felt in a while. Rejection? Something different. I felt hurt.
"Oh," I said in a small voice.
I sat up and I shoved another chocolate in my mouth and tried to ignore my emotions. I scrambled for anything to divert from the topic at hand.
"What's your favorite color?"
"Blue," she answered with a small smile. Her fingers traced the bracelet on my wrist. "What's yours?"
"Brown," I answered fondly. "Like the trees, dirt. Too much green here."
I felt her play with a lock of my hair. "Brown is good," she agreed.
Then Billy called for us from the house and we had to seperate to check on him.
That night, sleep eluded me. I rolled over to find the clock reading a quarter past ten and sighed. My mind kept drifting to places I hadn't allowed before.
I wasn't a Puritan by any means; I knew how sex worked. I just couldn't imagine Jules with another girl. I couldn't imagine Jules with anyone. The thought offended me. I was concerned when she and Angela got along; how would I feel when a woman that's actually available comes along?
I didn't want to share Julie. It was selfish and immature and unfair, but it was true. The thought was embarassing. I'd noticed my attachment to Jules, but I hadn't tried to find the logic behind it.
Did I have feelings for Julie Black?
Attraction wasn't a thing that happened often to me. It felt like I'd struck gold with Edward Cullen. I'd never had an interest in anyone romantically before him.
Could I have struck gold twice?
Being with Julie made me happy. We always smiled and laughed together. I craved spending time with her and always wanted more. Her happiness brought me joy. Her pain brought me agony. I loved her, easily. That part was easy.
But was I attracted to her?
I stared at the computer in the corner before sighing and getting out of bed. Booting up the old desktop, I locked the bedroom door and grabbed a pair of headphones to jam into the tower. I turned the browser into incognito mode and started to do some research.
An hour later, I was back in bed and much more informed. I stared at the ceiling before turning to the wall.
I tried to wrap my brain around the videos I'd just watched. Porn wasn't my thing, male or female, but I wasn't disgusted by the things I saw. I tried to imagine myself doing some of the things I witnessed and grimaced. I surely wasn't ready for those things yet.
My mind drifted to Jules again. What would it be like with her?
She'd probably smile when we kissed. She was always smiling. She'd laugh and whisper low, right in my ear.
I flushed at the thought of it.
Her lips would be soft. I could feel the ghost of them across my own lips. I'd felt them before; she'd hugged me many times and I could feel her lips press against me. I felt her lips on my cheek in the photo booth. They were soft yet firm.
We were in the garage again, me cuddled into her side. The details weren't right; I was wearing my pajamas, and I was freezing despite the heated blanket.
"Nothing has to change now that you know, right?" She asked quietly.
I leaned back but she wouldn't make eye contact with me. I put her hand on my cheek, making her meet my gaze. Her eyes darted down to my lips nervously for a moment.
"Yeah, Jules. It changes everything."
What happened next was a blur. We were kissing, me sprawled across her lap. She was everywhere; her hands, her lips.
I was freezing. Everywhere she touched me, I warmed. I needed more.
Her hand dipped below the band of my sleep shorts. Her teeth were buried into my shoulder.
"Don't stop," I gasped.
I woke up, bolting upright and breathing heavy. I felt hot and cold and shivered over. My entire face was on fire. I'd fallen asleep at some point. My clock read that it was four in the morning.
Before I properly caught my breath, I mumbled to myself, "So that's how it would work."
I couldn't look Julie in the eyes on Sunday.
She asked about it twice. The worry was clear on her face. I decided to suck it up for her sake. Instead, every time we made eye contact, I would blush.
She proposed we start on a grid to find my meadow so we wouldn't be blindly stumbling around the woods with a blood-thirsty bear on the loose. We mapped it out.
"I dunno, Bella. I've been all over those woods, and I haven't seen any..." She paused and added an addition to the map, far off from where I'd suggested. "I saw one here. Wildflowers, like you said."
"Maybe," I murmured. Her hand had brushed past mine when she went to draw on the map and now my fingers felt like they were on fire.
I flexed my hand and chose to ignore it.
I'm attracted to Julie Black. That much is apparent. But I didn't know what to do with that information.
I was thankful when we finally went riding and a helmet was shoved over my head.
That ended in another emergency room visit; four stitches just below my elbow. We used the garage excuse again.
In reality, I'd caught myself watching Jules and as I shook my head, I jimmied the handlebars and sent myself flying again. Julie drove me to the ER calmly; the head wound disaster made this look like child's play.
"Maybe we shouldn't ride motorcycles for the rest of the week," Jules suggested as she drove us back to her house. "Charlie's going to ban you from coming over at this rate."
"He can try," I mumbled. "But you're right."
"Maybe we can focus on your search for the meadow for a bit," she proposed. "Let you get your adrenaline fix from us fighting bears."
"We could go cliff-diving," I said in a light tone.
"Still too cold," she said again. "We can try in May."
I sighed and nodded. "Fine." I looked at her for a moment, just peeking to the side, before focusing out the window.
"Homework?" She asked.
"I'm actually out. The teachers have given me mercy."
"Same, actually." Jules paused and drummed her fingers against the dash. "What do we do without homework or adrenaline chasing?"
I looked at her other hand, sitting idly on the seat between us. Slowly, my hand moved to hers and I intertwined our fingers.
She looked down, surprised, and gave me a small smile before focusing on the road. The sun was starting to set. It was beautiful, casting the clouds into a soft pink and red combination.
I smiled to myself and looked back out the window. "I guess we just spend time together."
When I got home, I dragged Alice's letter from the drawer and added to it.
Alice, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I could look to the future sometimes and know what the right decision is. I have a lot of complicated feelings and I don't want to mess things up again.
I found someone I really care about. Being with Jules is easy. And I don't know what that means. I don't know what to the right thing to do is.
I don't think I can lose her.