Chickens, Waterslides, and Socks
Chapter 30: Chickens, Waterslides, and Socks
December 3, 1993
"Come on, Percy."
"Coming," Percy called, his arms full of streamers and confetti and party decorations. "This is heavy."
"Keep up!" Penelope called. "I'm holding a crate of them too." They were planning to get The Uncles another point by decorating the Charms classroom with streamers before classes started. Poor Professor Flitwick was already flailing around with the number of pranks that had been played on him.
"All right," Percy mumbled. "Open the door."
Penelope pushed open the door as best as she could, stopping dead at the sight that awaited her.
Professor Lupin and some other woman were locked in a passionate embrace, pressed together so tightly their chests were lined up against each other, their arms around each other, exploring. Percy opened his mouth to say something.
"Shh," Penelope whispered. "Let them go at it for a couple more minutes."
The woman whom Lupin was snogging was pretty, not appearing to be much older than the two of them. Her hair was, strangely, a bright pink, though it was pretty. Penelope knew that many of her friends would be crushed to know that Professor Lupin was already taken.
"Achoo!" Percy sneezed.
Lupin and his girlfriend jumped apart, and Penelope shot Percy a dirty look for having to sneeze right when they were getting to a good part.
"Hey, Professor," Penelope said, leaning against the doorframe with a slight smirk on her face.
Lupin looked pale. His hair was all tousled, and he was breathing heavily, a guilty look on his face, like he couldn't believe that he had just been caught snogging in a classroom by his students.
"You know, there's this really good classroom on the fourth floor," Penelope continued. "Nobody goes in there, and it's really spacious. No windows. You know, you guys can spend hours on end in there. We speak from experience."
"Ah, yes," Percy said, nodding sagely. "Very good classroom."
Penelope glanced at the woman, whose hair was dishevelled too. Her t-shirt was ridden to the side from where Lupin had been playing with it, and there was a mark on her neck.
"You two look really cute together, by the way," added Penelope. "Just letting you know. Er, we have some stuff to do in the classroom, though, so…"
"We'll leave," offered Lupin weakly.
"Right," Percy said. "So, er, see you in class, Professor."
It was a story Penelope saved to tell her children one day.
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
"Just a second, you guys," Colin Creevey whispered to the chickens. "I'm about to set you free."
He ignored the chickens' squawking, and he started picking at the lock. Why did Hagrid have to put a lock on this thing?
"Try Alohomora!" whispered a voice from behind him. Colin whipped around to see Peeves floating midair, a wicked grin on his face.
"What?" Colin whispered.
"Try Alohomora!" Peeves repeated impatiently. "You're trying to set the chickens loose, aren't you? Well, then, open the cage already! Alohomora, come on!"
"Alohomora," whispered Colin, and the lock clicked open. He gingerly pried the door open and the chickens started running out of the cage and into the hallways of the castle.
"THERE'S A CHICKEN IN MY CLASSROOM!" shrieked McGonagall, running out of her classroom and into the hallway to complain to the other teachers. "There are chickens in my… AAAAAAAAAAH!"
The hallways were flooded with chickens, waddling around the hallways and clucking at the top of their voices. McGonagall was so white she could faint.
"CHICKENS!" cried one of the first years, and her entire classroom rushed into the hallway.
"What is going on out there?" asked Lily exasperatedly. "Oi, Filius! Are you doing Chickening Charms out there, or… CHICKENS?!"
"CHICKENS!" yelled the class, and they all rushed outside to see the chickens.
Remus frowned. "It… sounds like there's chickens in the hallway?"
"Oooh," trilled one of his students. "Professor, can we go see the chickens? Please?"
"Yeah, go ahead. But, like, be back in ten minutes."
"HOORAY!" cheered the class, and they all hurried towards the chicken-flooded hallway.
"Nobody is going to see the chickens," Snape spat.
The students slumped in their seats, disappointed. Did they really expect him to say yes?
"This is amazing!" roared Justin, laughing. "There are going to be chickens going down the waterslide!"
"Hurry up and inflate it," panted Ernie, heaving along the big waterslide. They were planning to put it down the Grand Staircase.
Justin waved his wand, and the waterslide puffed up.
"Good," Ernie said. "Now let's direct it to the Grand Staircase."
They pushed the water slide down the Grand Staircase. "Now, the pipe from Moaning Myrtle's bathroom!"
Justin screwed the pipe open. "Turn on the water!"
Ernie turned the handle a few times, and water started gushing freely down the waterslide.
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
The chickens started hopping onto the water slide and coursing down the staircase. Justin and Ernie were laughing too hard to go to class.
"First the Happy Birthday decorations, then the chickens, now this?!" Flitwick squealed. "What is going on?!"
He was waving his wand frantically at the water slide. "Why are there chickens going down a waterslide? Someone help me!"
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
"NOOOOOO!"
"What seems to be the issue?"
It was Professor Dumbledore, coming down the staircase.
"Professor, sir, I can't get the water slide to go away!" Flitwick wailed.
"That's good, then." Dumbledore hummed in approval. "Leave it here for the rest of the day. Ladies, gentlemen, swimsuits! Unless you would like to get wet."
"What the…" Snape cursed so loudly that everyone turned to look at him. The image of Snape in a swimsuit was so funny even Flitwick had to laugh.
"Oh, come now, Severus, you too!" Dumbledore said merrily. "Don't be a spoilsport."
"Spoilsport?!" spat Snape. "Forgive me, Headmaster, if I wish not to go careening down a water slide in swimwear!"
It was the funniest thing Flitwick had heard all his life.
"Hey, Aliya!"
The third year, Dean Thomas, was running up to her. They were on the same team: The Notorious Watermelons.
"Hey, Dean. What's up?"
"Were you the one who turned Dumbledore's beard khaki?" he asked with a grimace.
"Yep," she replied proudly. "Was it obvious?"
"No, I just had a feeling it would be you. That's impressive magic, to get to Dumbledore."
She snorted. "It really isn't. Dumbledore's huge on prank advocacy. He enjoys it, didn't you see the waterslide incident earlier today?"
"Oh. Yeah, well that's true. I've just been avoiding the Grand Staircase."
"Really? I know a lot of guys who are taking this opportunity to show off their bodies," she remarked, smirking.
Dean looked uncomfortable. "Oh. Well, not me."
"Good."
"What about Cedric?" asked Dean. "Would he go down that waterslide to flaunt his body?"
"Er, I don't think so. He's the kind of person who attracts onlookers without really trying."
"Oh," Dean repeated for the third time, a muscle in his jaw tensing.
"Yep," Aliya replied freely. "So, I'm going to meet some of my friends. See you."
"Oh. Bye."
She turned around and started heading down the hallway.
"Buk-buk-buGAAK!"
"Darn it, Creevey!"
My sweetest Lily,
I'm so sorry I can't make it to Hogwarts for the next few days. I'm a little preoccupied with this case here, and I don't have Tonks to work on it with me since her exams are coming up at the end of December and she's doing full-time training now. Say hello to the kids for me.
Since I can't be there in person to see you for the next few days, I've sent along something that will hopefully remind you of me until I get back. When I'm back, I promise to make up for it.
I love you.
James
Dearest James,
That's so sweet, darling, you didn't have to. I love the necklace, though, it's really pretty and the floral carvings are really nice. Thanks, love!
That's okay, focus on your case and stay safe. When you get back, you have some making up to do, though. The kids are still doing these weird things. You won't believe it, today someone set chickens loose into the castle, and then there was a water slide down the Grand Staircase. It's almost like something you would do, baby. I miss you, and I can't wait for you to get back!
Love,
Lily
"Hey, Cedric," Cho said, sitting down across from where he was sitting, wrapping her scarf more tightly around her. "What are you doing here? It's so cold in the courtyard."
"Well, the snow is pretty, I think," he said, holding out a hand and allowing some snowflakes to drift onto his palm. "My sister and I would always go sledding down the hills behind our home."
"Oh. I didn't know you had a sister. How old is she?"
"Seven. Her name's Charlotte."
"Aw, that's sweet. What's she like?"
"Uh, hard to say, honestly. She's kind of annoying, but also kind of cute. It just depends on what she's up to, you know?"
Cho laughed. "That's nice."
"Yeah. So, do you have any siblings?"
"No, unfortunately. I think it would be a lot of fun to have a sibling, but I don't have one."
"Sorry. Well, at least you get your parents to yourself and stuff."
She laughed ruefully. "Yeah, more for me. But sometimes you wish there's someone to share it all with, you know?"
He gave her a small smile. "I know."
Her breath caught, and whatever she was about to say died on her lips.
"That's what friends are for," he said.
Charity Burbage was not having a great day.
She had been sick with the flu for the past four days, which meant that Professor Grubbly-Plank had had to cover for her classes. Seriously. Could Dumbledore not bother to hire some adequate substitutes?
And this was the worst week to get sick. The students were having a gala time with pranks left, right, and center, and she just wished that she could've been there during all the action.
Not to mention she had missed a staff meeting. Oh, she really wanted to see what the teachers had to say about this.
She was going to have to ask one of the teachers how it had gone.
Ugh.
She was so preoccupied with her thoughts that as she walked down the hallway, her flu finally gone, she bumped right into Severus Snape.
Severus Snape was an interesting character, to say at the very least. Charity knew that he wasn't sketchy, which was what Septima Vector and Aurora Sinistra always seemed to complain about, but he was grumpy. And very, very hard to read.
But he was ever the gentleman, so he caught her before she fell.
"Sorry," she said, as she righted herself. "Hey, I've been meaning to ask you, what's been going on since I've been out?"
"Nothing," he replied dryly. "The students have been playing ridiculous pranks, many of which involve the teachers, and the headmaster has gone insane, allowing them to continue."
"Oh." She stifled a laugh. "Is that it?"
"Yes."
"All right, then. Thanks."
He gave a curt nod of his head, and then he turned on his heel and he was gone. Talk about stiff.
Charity finally made it to her classroom as her Muggle Studies class filed in. "Good afternoon, Professor Burbage."
"Hey, guys," she said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Are you feeling better, Professor?" asked Stuart Bromden, one of her students.
"Yep, thanks!" she said brightly. "Feeling better. Got that flu over with. Not contagious, I promise."
"Cool," remarked one of the other girls, grinning. "We missed you."
"I missed you guys too!" she exclaimed. "I have a lot of fun stuff planned for today, since I know I wasn't here for four days, so let's get started."
"Uh, Professor Burbage?" asked Stuart hesitantly. "I have a question."
"Yeah, go ahead."
"It's not related to Muggle Studies, but, can I see your socks?"
She raised an eyebrow. "My socks?"
"Yeah."
"Sure." She slipped off a shoe and wiggled her foot in front of the class. "Bright yellow with green polka dots."
Stuart grinned. "Thanks, Professor."
"Yeah, no problem. Any other questions?"
The students shook their heads.
"All right, let's continue."
"Right, then," Hagrid said dully. "Flobberworms. Keep feedin' 'em, they like ter eat. Off you go."
It was the lamest class that Harry was taken, no offense to Hagrid. Nobody seemed to find these dumb worms exciting.
"Er, Hagrid?" he asked.
"Yeah, Harry?"
"Well, I wanted to know if you could show me your socks."
"Show yeh my socks?" Hagrid looked confused. "What for?"
"I'm… er, conducting a survey. You know, what socks do teachers wear. Yeah."
"Oh," replied Hagrid, still looking puzzled as ever. "Right, then. There yeh go." He pulled off an enormous shoe to reveal a horrid orange sock below it.
"Cool, Hagrid," Harry responded, grinning. "You can put your shoe on now."
"So the most important thing about these creatures we're learning is that you need to be able to recognize them," Remus instructed his class. "You need to be able to figure out what you're going to need to do about them if you come across them in the real world. It's important to remember that… yes, Melinda?"
"Er, Professor, can I see your socks?"
"My… what?!"
"Your socks. You know, the things you wear on your feet." She wiggled her eyebrows.
"Yeah, I know what socks are, but why?"
"Because I want to see. Ple-e-e-ease?"
Holy Merlin, why had he signed up to be a teacher here?!
"I really don't feel like displaying my socks to the entire classroom, Melinda," he admitted. "You're going to need a stronger reason."
"Come on, Professor." She pouted. "You're the most handsome Professor in the school. I need to see if your socks live up to your standards."
"Oh my…" he felt like he could faint. "Fine," he gave in with a sigh, slipping off his shoe. "Here." He grimaced and looked away as he held up his foot.
"Brown!" exclaimed the class.
"Are we done?" he asked impatiently, slipping his foot back into his shoe. "Yes, I wear brown socks. Now, please, let's get back to class."
"Thank you, Professor!" Melinda blew him a kiss. "I love you!"