My Heart and My Imagination
TW: This chapter has some Eating Disorder-esque thoughts and actions, as well as mentions of vomiting (it's not detailed because ew) but specifically mentions of induced-vomiting. Genuinely I think this may be one of the most difficult abuse scenes I've ever written/seen between Walburga and her children which is brutal because theres a lot of effed up shit with the Black family. Anyways it may be hard to read, I'm not sure, it was definitely hard to write. There is a trigger warning is in affect sign which is bolded and contains asterics, as well as a trigger warning is over which is bold and in asterics. Since the first half of this chapter is pure hurt the second will be pure comfort. hopefully. Also I know I haven't updated for a while and this first chapter pertains to the last chapter a little bit so you may want to do a skim read over that!
Regulus sat on his bed, knees pulled up to his chest, his chin resting in them. He thought of what Sirius had told James, he thought of what James knew of their family. He wondered if James knew any of the good stuff too. He wondered if there was any good stuff. He felt dizzy.
**TW IS IN AFFECT = Vomit, Child Abuse**
August 31st 1971
Regulus was a wreck. He'd been emotional at any mention of Hogwarts, and he'd become notably dependent on Sirius. This had angered their parents, and worried Sirius to about an equal level. Regulus hadn't cried so much since he was three, he spent every night making the dash across the hallway to sleep in Sirius' bed, and even Sirius' soft words weren't able to console him from his nightmares and his day-thoughts.
Sirius was leaving tomorrow. It hardly felt like his birthday. Usually a small party would be thrown for a pureblooded witch or wizards tenth birthday. It of course was not as important as eleventh, the delivery of the Hogwarts letter, but ten was an important year for wizards, it was historically amongst the sacred 28 used to mark the beginning of cuffing, or the search for a proper spouse. This of course had been pushed back with time, but the celebration remained similar.
Walburga and Orion though had decided Regulus was in far too much of a state to have company over. They'd rather face the embarrassment of claiming their son was ill on his birthday, than have company over only for him to have a public and dramatic meltdown. Instead the family sat around the dinner table at seven twenty sharp eating whatever meal Kreacher had cooked. Cake which Sirius had insisted on was to be served immediately after.
"I'm not hungry" Regulus whispered to Sirius as they walked down the stairs.
"Just have a little bit Reggie, please" Sirius said trying to prevent himself from feeling guilty for leaving the boy. He ruffled Regulus' hair.
Regulus nodded as they crossed through the hallway to the table. They arrived first, standing with their hands behind their backs behind the chairs allotted to them, waiting for their parents to arrive. Orion walked in first, followed shortly by Walburga. No one could sit until Orion rang the silver dinner bell. Sometimes their mother in a fit of impatience, anger, or during a power grab would ring it instead, though it was improper for a wife to ring the dinner bell.
The sound of metal against metal echoed through the house and vibrated in Regulus' ear, it wasn't a pleasant sounding bell in Regulus' opinion. Sirius always spoke of jingle bells, which Andromeda had shown him once. Regulus didn't think a muggle could make a better sounding bell than a wizard, so instead Regulus firmly stood by his dislike for bells.
The boys sat down. Their father serving himself, their mother serving herself, the heir, and then finally the spare.
Regulus hadn't been lying when he'd said he didn't feel hungry. He mimicked the serving Sirius gave himself. A small scoop of potatoes, a few pieces of chicken, a serving of the french shallot green bean dish.
They ate in silence. Occasional small talk filled the room. Regulus never understood the point of noting a birthday. Not at the time.
"Sirius, Wilfurd Crabbe is two years ahead of you in your house, I told his father to tell him to look out for you on the train." Orion stated plainly.
"I haven't been sorted yet" Sirius mumbled under his breath, a passing thought to piss his father off.
"Pardon" Walburga said with a sharp inhale, her flat palm smacked the table cloth making the cutlery around their china plates clatter dangerously close to the edges of the table.
"I was joking" Sirius muttered through gritted teeth.
"Sirius. You are the heir, it is your responsibility to represent the noble-"
Sirius slumped into his chair listening to his mother rant. "Sir, Mother," he said addressing his parents "it's Reggies birthday, can we have one night of calm?"
"It's Regulus' birthday, Sirius, don't use such childish and hideous nicknames. Regulus, don't stand for it it makes you look like a fool. What kind of name is that" Walburga shook her head cutting her chicken into small pieces, using aggressive motions with her knife.
"Yes mother" Sirius muttered moving the remaining potato from his knife to his fork. He carefully laid his cutlery across the plate, pushing it slightly away from himself. Regulus quickly followed suit.
"Regulus. Finish your plate" Walburga said sharply.
"I'm full" Regulus murmured.
"Finish your plate Regulus" Walburga repeated with more force.
Regulus carefully picked up his fork continuing to eat, his leg bounced impatiently beneath the table.
"Faster." She scolded, Herself, her son and her husband sat quietly waiting for him to finish his plate.
"I can't-" Regulus began, taking care to avoid eye contact.
Walburga swiftly stood up. "Eat Regulus, you served your plate, you will finish it" she said angrily. "It is impolite to not finish what you have on your plate, and it is impolite to not take the right amount the first time you serve yourself. You are ten, you are too old for seconds, and too old for taking too much. Finish what you served yourself"
Regulus nodded, struggling to swallow the last few forkfuls of food. His stomach hurt, he felt tired, and sick, and full.
"May we be excused from the table?" Sirius asked as Regulus put his fork and knife down, looking as though he could cry.
"Excused from the table?" their mother taunted "But dessert hasn't been served" she said forcefully.
Kreacher carted a chocolate gateau to the table. A classic french dessert. It sat with no candles, but an ornate knife poked out of the frosting.
"It is tradition for the birthday boy to cut the first piece of cake" She said pulling the knife out of the cake and handing it to her youngest son.
"Mum I'm full" Regulus whispered, a slight waver in his voice.
His mothers grasp tightened around the knife. "Mother" she corrected sternly.
"Mother, I'm full" Regulus replied trying to straighten up, trying to mimic Sirius' defiance.
"Kreacher took extra care to make this for your birthday Regulus. It would be rude to not even have a bite" she said furrowing her brow. "Would you like to insult Kreacher's work? I can bring it here. KREACHER!" She called.
"No, no, no I'll, I'm just- I'm-"
"Regulus" Orion piped up finally "the stuttering. Drop it. Elbows off the table, get it together, you're a stammering mess my boy"
Regulus nodded, glancing over his shoulder for a look of approval from Sirius, or at least a look of pity, but the boy seemed infatuated by a speck on the wall opposite to Regulus, he felt defeated.
"Mum please-" Regulus begged quietly.
Walburga slammed her hands down again, the noise brought Sirius attentively back to the table.
"We provide food for you, we put meals on the table, respect your family Regulus. Cut a piece of your birthday cake."
Regulus nodded carefully taking the knife, his hands were small, and the knife was large and heavy. He tried his best to cut the smallest piece he could, he knew even a bite would be too much to finish. He ignored the tears welling in his eyes. He carefully lifted the cake onto a dessert plate, handing the knife to Sirius next. Sirius looked angry. Regulus didn't understand why Sirius would be angry. Had he done something wrong? It was supposed to be his birthday, why was Sirius angry? The confusion blurred his vision farther, he put his head down hoping his hair would properly conceal the tears forming in his eyes.
He began eating the cake, but his stomach hurt, he felt heavy and ill. He took another bite, this time he began to cry. Big crocodile tears slid down his face, he began hiccoughing awkwardly, Sirius went to reach for his back in a comforting manner but his father quickly shot a look of disapproval which urged his hands back to his cutlery.
"What's wrong Regulus?" their mother said placing her cutlery quietly down at either side of her empty plate. "Are you full?"
Regulus nodded.
Their mother stood up circling the table to where Regulus sat.
"Did you eat too much?" She prompted.
Regulus nodded again.
She placed her hand on his cheek.
Sirius watched fearfully, his father's watchful eye keeping him from his baby brother. Sirius knew he couldn't go to his first day of school with fresh cuts or bruises, but it wouldn't stop his parents.
"Did you eat yourself sick?" she said anger beginning to seep into her tone as she grasped onto the boys chin with force.
Regulus nodded again tears steadily tracking down his cheeks.
"It's very greedy to eat more than you need" She scolded. "Muggles and farm animals are the only creatures which eat themselves sick. Tell me Regulus, are you a muggle?"
"No ma'am" he murmured, "Are you a pig?" She added, a specific wildness entering her eyes.
"Mother stop it" Sirius cried standing up, "please! Let him be-"
"Sirius, sit" their father commanded, his wand was out forcing Sirius back into his chair. "Finish your meal, do not mind your mother, she's teaching your brother a valuable lesson. Once you're done eating you may be excused."
Sirius began to shovel cake into his mouth taking his father's words literally, this recieved a harsh smack to his hand.
"Sirius. Manners. And then you may be excused" Orion clarified.
Meanwhile Regulus was still being preyed upon by their mother. Her hands had moved from his chin to the collar of his shirt.
"You feel full? You feel sick?" She screamed, the house always had an edge of hysterics in it. "You're too full?"
"I'm sorry" Regulus whispered between sobs "Please, I understand now, please"
"Of course you do" Her demeanor quickly changed, her hand against his cheek again "but it won't fix the way you feel will it?"
"My stomach hurts" he murmured.
"Is it too full?" She cooed running a hand through his hair.
He nodded quietly.
Walburga stood up quickly attempting to pull the boy up by the scruff of his neck. Regulus clutched the edge of his chair with his hands.
"Would you like to feel better?" she screeched. "You claim to have eaten sick, but you look perfectly fine Regulus, shall we prove what you've done?"
"Mother-" he murmured shaking as she pulled him out of the chair. She dragged the boy to the washroom, shoving him onto the ground. She clattered in hysterics looking for his toothbrush, her hand smacking the soap holder to the ground, the ceramic breaking.
"Open your mouth" She commanded.
Regulus obliged shutting his eyes. He gagged as the bristles hit the back of his mouth.
Sirius and Orion sat at the table hearing Regulus sick in the upstairs washroom.
"It's his birthday" Sirius murmured putting his fork and knife down.
"Father, please it's his birthday" Sirius repeated. "Dad" Sirius begged. "Please"
Orion stood up. "you're excused."
Sirius sat in his room trying not to listen to the commotion outside.
"Theres nothing left Walburga, go to bed" Orion commanded.
He heard Regulus clamber out of the washroom, to Sirius' surprise his door immediately swung open. Regulus usually preferred to retreat after punishments, or their parents usually would drag him out for additional punishment if they realized he'd ran to his brothers room.
"REGULUS" Walburga screamed, her heels hitting the floor as she walked towards Sirius' room. Regulus stood with his back against the door, a panicked look in his eyes. "Your room. Now" She demanded.
"Walburga. Let him be." Orion snapped. "I have to clean this up, I don't want to deal with any more of your bullshit tonight. Go to our room" he snapped.
"the boy must learn there are consequences to his actions cousin. " She sneered.
"Don't address me as such wife you must learn the consequences of your own" he forced back. "Trust me dear, we both want the boy to grow a back bone, but our heir will never forgive us if we continue this on his birthday."
The voices became muffled as they disappeared to their chambers.
Regulus moved quickly to Sirius' bed standing at the edge.
"Come, get in" Sirius said moving to the side.
Regulus crawled towards his brother burrying his face in the elders shoulder.
Sirius ignored the tears in his t-shirt. Sirius ignored the fact that there was a faint smell of sick.
"I'm sorry Reggie"
"don't call me that" Regulus whispered half-heartedly.
"You're my baby brother, I'll call you what I'd like, Reggie" Sirius teased ruffling his hair.
Regulus shook as Sirius held him. "Please don't go Siri." the boy whispered "Please. Please stay" he begged.
"Reg I'm so sorry" Sirius replied holding the boy closer "I'm sorry. I love you" he added planting a kiss on Regulus' forehead "I'll write to you all the time"
Regulus nodded "Can I come with you?"
"Soon" Sirius replied. "Happy birthday Reggie" Sirius added, though his brother had already fallen asleep, and his brother likely wouldn't have wanted to hear that anyways.
PRESENT
**TW IS OVER**
Regulus stood up leaving his room. He walked over to Sirius' room again. This time he quietly knocked. A groggy Sirius opened the door. Regulus was confused to notice that Lupin and his brother had switched beds. Why would Lupin be in Sirius' regular bed? He blinked confused before turning his attention back to his brother.
"What's up Reggie?"
Regulus shrugged. "Thank you?"
"For what?" Sirius asked.
Regulus shrugged again. "Everything I guess." he murmured "I don't want to read the letters" he decided.
"We can do it whenever your ready Reggie. We could go burn them if you want" Sirius offered.
"Can we go for a walk?" Regulus asked quietly.
Sirius glanced back into the room as if he was looking for approval from someone. Somehow, he got it.
"Sure" Sirius said pulling his bedroom door closed behind him. "How's your arm?" Sirius asked carefully as they trekked down the Potter's stairs.
Regulus shrugged "It's alright"
Sirius nodded pushing the front door open. "Your cast can come off soon I think. Wizards heal faster then muggles" he added "I learnt that in muggle studies" he added.
Regulus nodded "I don't get muggle studies"
Sirius took a breath waiting to see if Regulus would elaborate.
"It's just there's too much to learn." he explained. "They have schools right, but they don't learn magic, they learn a whole other set of courses, including their own history, their own languages, their own versions of potions and arithmancy, and they have sports, games, foods, it's just a lot to try and learn in one hour a day" Regulus decided. "I think the only way to get it would be to live as a muggle."
Sirius nodded "I think you're right Reggie" he said slinging his arm around his brother. "I hope you know you're doing incredibly Reg. When I moved here I was a wreck. I don't think I left my bedroom for weeks"
"You're a hypocrite!" Regulus exclaimed with a laugh.
"I know, that's what big brothers are for"
"You have a big-brother-complex" Regulus decided. "I hated that as a kid. You'd always be like as your older brother as if it isn't just a year"
"Hey, it's almost two" Sirius corrected. "Besides, I'm just incredibly mature, I've been told that since birth" Sirius snickered.
Regulus laughed with him "You wish" he said as they walked down the block. "I think I like it here"
Sirius hummed.
"It's calm and peaceful. I don't care that James and his family are incredibly loud it's still calm" Regulus explained.
Sirius nodded "I know what you mean. Grimmuald is sometimes silent but it's never still"
"The calm moments at home aren't like here calm, it's like the moment before lightning strikes sort of calm, like the birds have stopped chirping sort of calm"
Sirius squeezed his brother a little tighter "I'm glad you're here Reg, seriously"
Regulus laughed at the unintentional name joke. It really never did get old. "When will I be better?" Regulus whispered. It was a soft insecure tone.
"What do you mean?" Sirius replied.
"Like you" Regulus explained. "You aren't on the brink of total shut down all the time, you haven't screamed the entire house hold awake from a nightmare. When will I be better?"
Sirius stopped walking and grabbed his brother's shoulders. "You're fine Reggie. You're perfect okay? You're all good" Sirius murmured "I'm not better better, we never will be. And that sucks. Meeting people like James sucks. Realizing that punishment for some kids was early bed time, or a five minute time out is a brutal realization. I've been getting better since I was eleven Reggie. I've been surrounded by people who grew up with families that were loving since I was eleven. I'm not better, I'm just used to this. It's hard Reg, it's really hard, you feel smothered, and you feel shitty because you don't want to have to admit that even the good parts of your childhood were bad. But you don't just get better. What mother and father did to us was not fair, we were children, and they knew better. The way to be better, is to know better, and to do better. Just be yourself Reg, don't try so hard to appease them." there was a brief pause "Are you still considering going home?"
Regulus shrugged. "You were my favourite part of home" he murmured quietly, they turned around at the end of the street walking back towards James' house.
"You were mine as well Reg. I'm so happy you're here. Even though I wish it could've just been like this with Mother and Father. They're not parents Reg."
"Do you ever feel bad for them?" Regulus asked.
"In what way?" Sirius replied.
"I don't know. Don't you think their parent's were probably just like them?"
Sirius shook his head "I met up with Uncle Alphard recently, he said Mother was always the way that she is now. Practiced cruciatus on her little cousin- Aunt Lucretia- until Grandpa Arcturus found out. He had her head, wanted her expelled from the family but she found her ways of sticking around and sucking up. Probably by marrying dad. Keeping it in the family you know-"
"Ew" Regulus murmured "ew Sirius stop it's so gross"
"Sometimes I hate that we're related to them you know?"
Regulus nodded. "Do you ever hate that your related to me?"
Sirius froze "No. No I don't. Never Reg, I'm so proud of you, I swear"
"Even though I'm in Slytherin"
Sirius felt sick, maybe he'd made it a big deal when he was twelve, but he didn't think it would still be bothering his brother.
"Even though you're a stupid snake Reg." Sirius laughed.
"Do you want to hear a secret?" Regulus asked.
Sirius nodded.
"You told me to go where the hat thought was best. I listened of course. I care more about you than our parents in the moment."
Sirius nodded.
"But then it tried to sort me to Hufflepuff, and I think mother and father would have been more mad about Hufflepuff than they were Gryffindor"
"Definitely. I think you suit Slytherin. Only in the best way though. You're ambitious, and clever." Sirius shrugged "Nothing wrong with that."
Regulus nodded "Nothing wrong with any house really is there"
"Not according to our parents." Sirius laughed exasperated.
Regulus sighed "See they're kind of pitiful. Like do you really never feel bad for them?" Regulus said letting a laugh escape.
Sirius laughed with him. "Pitiful." he snickered. "I feel bad that they didn't care to realize that they have two kids who raised themselves and are incredible people, I feel bad that they are too closed minded to realize that they could have had a wonderful thing, and I feel bad that they were too daft to realize they had a family who they could've fixed the wrongs of the past with, but no, I never feel bad for them. They don't deserve that Regulus. They knew better by the time they hurt us"
Regulus nodded. "They did" he whispered, carefully pushing the Potter's front door open.
"Can I sleep in your room?" Sirius asked ruffling his hair.
Regulus nodded "don't hog the fucking covers" he added.
"Don't kick me again. You always kick me"
"It's personal" Regulus murmured lying in the double bed.
Sirius moved in next to him. "I love you Reggie."
"I love you too" Regulus murmured.
"Night"
"