awkwardly in haze
"Your arm's too fucked for Euphemia to do it, and we can't go to a healer for obvious reasons" Sirius said, Regulus was up again, his arm awkwardly cradled close to him, it had been put in a make-shift sling, he couldn't remember when that happened.
"I don't care if they call mother and-" Regulus began his voice sharp.
"I care" Sirius snapped. "that'll go over great, right? Hey guys! Reg ran away, he's hanging with your favourite child, and now you're being called to the fucking hospital because you probably broke his arm, and guess what? The Potters are here too, isn't that great? That'll end just dandy. It'll be like a little family reunion and-"
"Sirius shut up" Regulus muttered "You don't know when to drop things, ever. If I can't go to a healer than am I meant to just, let it be?" He asked, his voice calm but clearly confused.
Sirius gave him an awkward smile "Well, Effie said she can either try to fix it herself, which could cause more damage then good, she doesn't have the proper potions for something like this, and some of them take months to brew, can't buy them over the counter what not, but the point is it's that or we go to the muggle hospital down the road. We can confund the receptionist, get the arm set in place, and then Euphemia can do the rest of the fixing. Would you be alright with that?"
It was a lot to take in. Just, too many words. Regulus nodded not quite knowing what Sirius wanted him to say. No? He probably should say no. He probably shouldn't say yes, that would cause far too much trouble for the Potters. Walking all the way to a muggle hospital and then having to confund a receptionist? That sounded like far too much work, why did he nod?
"Um, actually I think I'll just- Krea-"
A hand was slapped over his mouth, curse Sirius and his stupid fast reflexes. Should've been a seeker, but Sirius seemed to like batting balls at other players far more than chasing a little golden ball.
"No" Sirius said firmly "You're not going back. Not until your arms fixed at least. Why the fuck would you want to go back?" He said mostly to himself, shaking his head.
"Because" Regulus replied furrowing his brow, feeling resentment fill his lungs. "They're our parents Sirius. You can't change that, they raised us, and they care for us-"
Sirius had a slightly wild look to his eyes, one Regulus was accustomed to seeing his mother or Bellatrix carry, one he'd only seen in Sirius when it was a conversation about their parents.
"They care for us?" Sirius repeated, sitting down on the chair across from the bed Regulus was sat on. Their eyes were level. "Do you really believe that?"
Regulus furrowed his brow even farther "Of course I do. They're not great at showing it-"
"They don't care for us. They care for their legacy, they care for their name, they care for their reputation, they care for everything except us Regulus." He said his eyes searching his brothers face trying to read whatever was crossing the boys mind.
"They have to care-"
"You know what's funny Reggie?" Sirius paused "You can't even say the word love, can you? Tell me you love them, and you can go, you can summon that House elf and leave" He said leaning back into the armchair with a calculated challenging look to his face.
Regulus opened his mouth "I love them" He eventually said, it taking far more effort and force than it should have.
Sirius raised an eyebrow "alright can you say it the other way around? Tell me, look me in the eyes and tell me with the fucking conviction of a life time, that Walburga and Orion Black actually truly love you, and you can leave"
A lump grew in the back of Regulus' throat, he'd always known Sirius was right. Admitting it to himself had been near impossible, and then aloud to Sirius himself was somehow even harder. He wasn't going to cry again. Not only a measly three or four hours apart. He glanced up from his lap to look at Sirius, to see if he had that stupid satisfied cocky smile. He didn't. His hand was over his face, back hunched over the arm of his chair.
"Fuck Reg. Fuck. I'm sorry I keep screwing this up- I didn't mean to fight." He said quickly, still looking into his hands. "I don't want to fight with you. I just- I'm worried about you, and I'm scared. I shouldn't have pushed that." He said moving his hand off of his face to look at Regulus.
"No" Regulus mumbled "You're not screwing up. It's just" He glanced up at the ceiling "hard"
Sirius nodded "It really is" he replied drawing a knee in. "What are you going to tell everyone? 'Bout the arm?" Sirius asked.
Regulus shrugged "Fell down the stairs" he stated.
"You should tell them the truth" he said, them being the Potters.
"Which would be what?" Regulus snapped. "You don't know"
Sirius nodded "right, sorry, alright, well come downstairs when you're ready"
Regulus gave him a look, it would've been hard to interpret for practically anyone other than Sirius. The boy rolled his eyes "Yeah, yeah, I'll come get you, whatever."
The smell of the hospital hung over the waiting room, it made Regulus' head fuzzy. Euphemia was filling out the form for him. Remus and James had stayed at the house, Fleamont had gone to work. Sirius' knee was bouncing at an incredible speed, Regulus had turned to fidgeting with the sleeves of the jacket he'd borrowed. It must've been one of James' because he was quite certain Sirius only owned leather jackets.
Regulus was curious. He had no feelings of dislike for muggles. Perhaps a bit of confusion when it came to their way of life, and a sense of pity thinking about what it would be like living without magic. However, they seemed to have a lot of strange things Regulus couldn't even process. There was an occasional ringing noise from a box at the counter, and a voice came through boxes on the walls calling patients forwards. There was cool air blowing through a vent, and a small box with a very long continuous moving-picture up in the corner. It seemed to be showing some sort of muggle sport. Either way, it seemed like some sort of strange magic they simply didn't know about. Obviously, it wasn't, but Regulus had questions.
He'd completely zoned out, his entire body felt a little light, and his head felt heavy, and dizzy. It were as if he weren't even there. Like this was all merely a dream. Part of Regulus hoped that was true. Things would be easier if everything that had happened in the past twelve hours were merely a fever dream. The pain in his arm reminded him it wasn't.
He could vaguely remember walking through the dizzying blue hallways, sitting in a stuffy room, getting an x-ray taken (which was quite a compelling concept) and then he had some sort of gauze covering his arm, and they were walking out of the hospital.
"You alright there dear?" Mrs. Potter turned towards the smaller of the two boys. "You've hardly said a word" she prompted.
"I'm good thanks" Regulus said quietly giving her an awkward smile before glancing at Sirius.
Sirius must've understood the message he was sending, because soon enough Sirius and Euphemia were in a deep conversation about the quidditch season and who they thought would win which match. Regulus ran his hand across the plaster, confused as to just how the muggles managed to reset his entire fucking bone without any sort of magic. They couldn't be that useless if they managed to do everything wizards could do without magic. But if they weren't using magic, how were they doing it? He wasn't getting any answers, just more and more questions.
When they got back to the Potter's, Regulus (to nobodies surprise) retreated back to the guest room.
He watched the shadows of the curtains against the wall, glancing down at his arms, one with snaking burn marks at the shoulder, and pen where an irreversible decision will be going in a few weeks, the other, protected by a hard shell of a soft looking fabric. They seemed fuzzy and distant. Everything around him felt wrong. James had came into the room with an awkward smile and a plate of food. It would've been rude to decline, so Regulus had accepted it. He'd taken a measly three bites before finding it difficult to swallow. It wasn't that the toast was bad. It was simply that he wasn't the one eating it. It felt awkward in his throat, he was over-aware of the way it felt inside of him. His skin didn't feel like his own, but he was overly conscious of everything underneath the skin. As though he were trapped, as though his head had disappeared, but his skin was trapping whatever else was left trying to escape. He'd read about astral projecting before, it was dangerous according to the ministry, not many witches and wizards in Great Britain practiced witchcraft in the ways of the past. People in the past had been ruthless. Helping muggles, getting used, getting burnt to the ground. He could hardly tell how much time was passing, but he felt a wash of boredom overtake him. He didn't have anything to do, he was suddenly aware of how long he'd been staring at the curtains shadows.
"Alright, so we want to remove some of the rooms from it right?" James said sprawling the map on the carpet again. "Like here" he pointed towards the hallway the room of requirement was etched in "The room of requirement is a fuck zone and I'd really rather not see Dorcas and Marlene spending hours in there every Saturday" he commented.
Remus nodded pointing at the label 'R.O.R.' disappeared from the paper, the small archway indicating an entryway disapaiting as the the wand lifted up.
"Pete wanted to add names in the common rooms, I think that's unnecessary" Remus hummed "what about the animagi forms?" he added looking towards James and Sirius.
"It's alright that Peter's not here, if we come to a three-person consensus, right?" James suddenly said. Both Sirius and Remus nodded the affirmative. "Alright well since I think it's good to be able to see if Minnie is rounding a corner in animagus form, wouldn't it confuse the map if we you know, made ourselves disappear off of it? I think maybe we could explore either only seeing us by ownership, or only seeing us by " James said with a small smile.
"That sounds like a task and a half, we can actually implement it when Petes back" Sirius smiled sprawling himself into Remus' lap. "I say we add Mrs. Norris to the map" he added. "I know she's technically not a person, and our map only accounts for people, but merlin wouldn't it be helpful?"
"I think we'd be able to do that" Remus said flitting through to the 'methods of tagging' chapters. Ironically, the marauders map was heavily inspired by 'Cattle-Magic' by Bjorn Shepard, in which a man recounts useful spells for keeping track of your cattle. "But there isn't a pet book of records, meaning we'll have to enter any pet we want to track individually" he mused.
"God remember finding the student book of records? I was certain we'd never get Wormy out of there. He must've seen every name generations back." Sirius laughed.
"That linking spell was so complex I couldn't even heat that glass of water the next day" James snickered "Remember, Flitwick was gobsmacked" he shook his head fondly at the memory.
There was a soft knock at the door. "Come in!" James hollered, they all fully expected it to be James' mother, letting them know she was off for tea or something of the sort. It was not.
"Um, hi" Regulus said from the doorway. He only made eye-contact with Sirius, and ignored the waves of his brothers friends. "I was wondering if you had something I could read" he said quietly.
Sirius nodded sitting up from his place on Remus' lap, he could tell he was blushing, luckily Regulus was sheltered enough (and oblivious enough) that he probably wouldn't suspect anything. "I don't really have anything that's not school related Reg" He said rifling through his bedside table. "None of this is interesting really-"
"I've got a small selection, you can read any of them if you'd like" Remus smiled rifling through to the back of Sirius' drawers knowing for a fact he'd left some behind the previous summer, as well as grabbing the ones he'd brought along in his trunk. He knew he'd be returning to the Potters before going to Hogwarts (that is if he even went home between now and then) and so he'd just brought the trunk along. It made things a lot easier for departure.
Regulus gave him a nod "thanks", the boys left was tucked into his pocket. Sirius couldn't help but smile at the sight of his brother in muggle clothes, it wasn't something he really expected to see, ever. James had folded up the map and the books were now sprawled across the carpet where it had been.
"Wanna come sit for a bit, we're just hangin out" James added tossing a chocolate bar at Remus, it hit him square in the jaw, which seemingly triggered his arm up, showing James the bird.
Regulus nodded making his way carefully across the room, his hand running over his cast as he sat with his back against the foot of Sirius' bed. Clearly angling himself so he wouldn't be close to either of the boys he didn't know particularly well. Remus passed the stack of books over.
"You can grab all of them, or like read the descriptions and take whichever compel you" Remus smiled awkwardly. Talking to Regulus was strange, there was a weird electricity in the air between everyone present. "ah," he added grabbing Lolita out of the stack "that one was disturbing, I couldn't finish it, I'll just, yeah" he said awkwardly pushing the book away.
Sirius was glancing between the two of them "Just my luck that my brother and my boy-" he coughed awkwardly "bestfriend would both be absolute losers. Fucking book-nerds" he snickered kicking his feet out in front of him.
"Oh piss off, you just don't like not understanding what's happening during a conversation." Remus teased. "These are books Pads, intelligent people read them for fun!" he said in a faux-patronizing tone.
"Intelligent?" Sirius said cocking a brow up "last time I checked I had the same number of outstandings as you"
"Mmmhmm that defence one was really hard. Which one was it again, question ten?" James snickered reaching for the chocolate he'd given Remus getting a small swat as Remus brought the bar protectively closer to him.
"Prongs, we can't joke about that" Sirius started trying to conceal laughter "because Pete only got three out of five-" he said before bursting into a guilty bout of laughter.
"Hey, I almost got zero out of five" Remus said pushing Sirius to the side lightly.
"That would've been by choice" Sirius said covering his mouth "I'm sorry, I'm sorry I know I'm being an arse-" he laughed.
Regulus had mostly tuned out of the conversation reading the backs of the books. He was chewing on the inside of his cheek. On one hand, Mother and Father told him to never read muggle fiction. Not even for educational purposes. It was written to brainwash the reader. On the other, there was no way in hell he'd ask the Potters for any of their books, and he was so utterly bored. Besides, he couldn't go back home with the fucking cast on. That would be a great way to get another broken bone.
He looked over the titles.
The Master and Margarita, Catcher in the Rye, Picture of Dorian Gray, One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest, The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, One Hundred Years of Solitude.
"If none of them interest you, I do have more" Remus added glancing back at the boy.
Regulus nodded "I think this is good" he replied "thanks" he tacked on at the end, averting his eyes back to the books.
He reached for the one closest to him. J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye. It was one of the thinner books as well, meaning if he didn't like, it wouldn't take too long to finish anyhow. Regulus hated leaving a book unfinished, even if it was painful to read.
Regulus backed up pressing his back into the end of the mattress again, pulling his knees up, and holding the book in front of him. Not only would it be kind of rude to leave, but he enjoyed being surrounded by people. It was rare for Regulus, he was generally an introvert, but for some reason, after everything that had happened already in the short week they'd been on summer Hols, he needed to be near anyone.
"Anyone up for some Chess?" James asked, tugging the board out from underneath his bed.
Euphemia Potter knocked lightly on her son's door, after there was no reply she opened it quietly. Sirius was lying on the floor across from Remus, chess board in-between the two of them James leaning over Remus' shoulder a look of sheer determination in his eyes. Regulus had moved to the window seat, his legs still pulled up, the chunky white cast noticeable from a distance, but his hands seemed to be flipping through the pages alright. He seemed to be quite far into the book he was reading, Euphemia didn't recognize the cover, but it had been about three hours from when they'd returned from the hospital, so she reckoned he couldn't have been reading it for far too long.
"Boys, lunch is warming on the stove, Monty and I are going for a walk during his lunch break so feel free to serve yourselves whenever you'd like." She smiled.
"What is it?" James asked looking up, letting go of his tight-hold on his friends shoulders.
"Ah, it's his chicken biryani, but don't worry you three, we cut down on the spices" Effie said with a small teasing smile. "Remus, make sure they don't burn the house down." She added with a small smile as she turned to shut the door.
"Why is Moony always in charge" James complained rubbing a hand over his face with a small laugh "It's cause you were a prefect isn't it" he teased.
Sirius looked over to his brother "Oi! Reggie" he called.
The younger of the two boys whipped his head around with an embarrassed expression and a flushed face. He was rarely called Reggie in front of anyone. Well, not quite. Sirius had used it passive aggressively on many occasions at school, but it wasn't said in such a soft tone in front of Sirius' ultra-hyper-super-cool friends before. "What" he said in what sounded exasperated.
"Done with me already?" Sirius said with a feign pout. "Whose prefect in your year? Thought it would be you" he said "seeing as your such a goodie-two-shoes, but it's not, right?" he added in a playful tone.
Regulus stifled a laugh. He cocked his brow up "A Black? A Prefect? After the impression you left?" he said with a mischievous smirk, it was dropped quickly as he seemingly became aware of Remus and James' attention towards him. "Right, no I mean, I'm not really the prefect type" he said turning his attention back to his book.
"Are any Slytherins?" Sirius huffed.
Regulus furrowed his brow at his brother "Evan Rosier was the perfect choice" he decided, he said it with conviction. "He's a far better person than I, and if Father was a prefect, clearly you don't need to be that intelligent" he quipped another small smile forming over his lips.
The latter comment caused Sirius to laugh. It was a warm sound, it filled the room. His laugh was so bright, and fulfilled. As though it was the first time he'd laughed after years in a dark depressing room.
"How are you liking the book?" James asked clearly wanting in on the conversation, James was attracted to laughter. Happiness was a magnet, and it pulled him in with such force he couldn't help but surround himself with it. He loved all things warm and bright. That laugh of Sirius' was enough to make him want to absolutely tackle the boy to the ground out of some inexplicable emotion that filled him to the brim. It felt as though his soul could simply glow, levitate him off the ground, and implode all at once when those he loved were happy. Happiness was so inexplicably beautiful, and James, was attracted to beauty.
"It's neat" Regulus replied quietly, his more timid disposition re-emerging. "No wizard-literature I've read so far has been so, real" he commented.
Remus made a small face, it was never a good sign to recognize yourself in Holden Caulfield, but who wouldn't? It was so perfectly written, that everyone almost wants to believe they're a Holden Caulfield, even if it's a depressing reality and even if he's not a good role model whatsoever.
"Muggles are good at that, capturing emotions" Remus hummed "I think it's because they spend so much time trying to communicate things. Wizards can always just, forcefully steal the memories straight from your head if they want to" he said with a lighthearted laugh, but the phrase had made Regulus' stomach sink.
He no longer could count on two hands how many times his father had entered his head, and a new wave of anxiety washed over him, what would he do if he did go back. He'd barely been able to hold his father off last time, but with more conviction? He wouldn't last a second.
"You're hiding something Regulus" Walburga stated. It was Christmas of Regulus' fourth year, Sirius didn't show up.
Regulus was tugging at his sleeves in order to ground himself, he took a small breath, "What is it that you think I'm hiding?"
He felt a cold hand and a clunky metal ring make contact with his cheek. "How dare you speak with such tongue" She'd hissed. "Quit with the sleeves" she added with a snarl "You're fourteen, not four"
Regulus nodded "Sorry" the silence was loud "mother, Sorry mother" he mumbled lowering his eyes down to his shoes. Her cold hand wrapped around his chin yanking his head forwards.
"respecte ton nom, do not disappoint me, your brother has torn this family apart" she said softly, her voice covered with lies. "Regarde moi" she said leaning down to be closer to his height, despite her heels "Do you remember before Sirius got those sick thoughts into that dull head of his?" She coaxed. Regulus nodded, wether it was her hand forcing him, or fear, he couldn't tell. "We were happy. Sirius is to blame. There's a reason he's not here, did he tell you he wouldn't be coming?" she asked firmly.
Regulus glanced to the side briefly "No" his voice faltered "no, he told me nothing" he stammered out stumbling over his words.
"You know your words, you act so childish at times" She shook her head distain clear in her face "barely able to form sentences, trembling at your own mothers hand, and of course lying to me" she mused "I'm not mad about the lying, you're a teenager, though you don't act like it" she said the second part with a particular malice dripping off her tongue "but to be so transparent, to be such a terrible liar. Let me make myself very clear. Did Sirius tell you he wouldn't be coming?"
Regulus nodded wanting her hand off of his chin as quickly as possible.
"Words, Regulus, speak boy"
"Yes, he did."
"Insolent brat" She said retracting her hand forcefully before it came swinging back round full force. "Tell me what he told you"
Regulus shrugged ignoring the tears stinging in his eyes.
"What did he tell you?" She repeated.
'I'm not coming Reg, I love you, I'm sorry, but I can't fucking go back, you could stay too, please don't leave, you're a fucking idiot' all the different words swirled around his mind.
"ORION!" The shrill voice brought him back to reality. "What did Sirius say?" She repeated.
Suddenly, his mind was not his own.
"Reg" Sirius' voice said loudly "Ayo, your zoned out" He said snapping his fingers a small laugh, but concern etched into his face.
"What's a flit?" Regulus said looking up from the book. It spilt out of his mouth before he realized it, but the word had been used to many times "and a phony" he added, pronouncing it with a soft o which caused Remus to laugh a bit.
"Well a flits like, a rude word for a guy who likes a guy" Sirius said tentatively, scanning his brothers face for any disgust. The boy simply nodded. "I dunno about the other one though" he said awkwardly shooting Remus a glance.
"It's like a fake person. You know those people who are like, very superficial, they act a certain way but only for appearances"
"Slughorn?" Regulus asked raising a brow.
James snorted "I'd say so" he laughed "Fucking Sluggy, I saw him poor my dads hair product into a cauldron and pass it as something he brewed himself" he laughed.
Remus couldn't help but laugh at that too "he's afraid of me" he commented "one time I stood too close to him and he jumped and walked away, he won't even touch my cauldron, or come close. I think it's the scars" he snickered running a hand through his hair.
"It's alright, all he ever does is gush about this little shit" Sirius said gesturing his thumb towards Regulus "says you're the best seeker Slytherins ever seen" he rolled his eyes "I think it's cause Mumsie doesn't feed you enough." he said with a laugh, but the joke fell awkwardly flat.
"Speaking of food" James interjected, "lunch?"