We are in a void when, suddenly:
“HELLOOOOO EVERYONE! I am your MC, SuperEpicRapper69420WithYourMother! Welcome to our billionth annual POGCHAMP Rap Battle™! Without further ado, let’s let the contestants introduce themselves!” says a guy who looks and sounds really annoying and vaguely resembles the mic dude from my hero academia.
A really ugly lame boy steps up to the stage, mic in hand. It is worth noting that his knees are weak and his arms are relatively heavy. Also, there’s vomit on his cloak, and it hasn’t even been a few minutes since he was announced. He’d have to learn to keep his social anxiety in check. “M-my name is Harry Potter,” he stutters. He’s dressed in the long, really ugly cloak that is customary to wizarding folk. The only element of his outfit that deviates from normal wizarding attire is his bedazzled backwards snapback, making for a strikingly hideous outfit. As he walks up, whispers dissipate across the crowd. “Snape’s shirt!” he muttered, casting a nervous glance at the eagerly awaiting people (he is about to faint actually).
On the other side a lady in a painfully tight looking ponytail and a ball gown walks up. She looks a bit like a video game boss, but that’s ok I guess. She is not scared, whether out of arrogance or conviction that Harry Potter is a trash rapper, we may never know. She says in a voice with a breathy quality that immediately pisses the listener off: “Hi~ my name is Ariana Grande he he he he he”.
The crowd collectively cringes.
“That was so cringe I want to kill myself,” says SuperEpicRapper69420WithYourMother with a wince of actual physical pain, “But anyways, let’s start or whatever. Mage guy, you first”
Harry was actually really scared (you’re in class and you didn’t do a project and you get called on to present. it’s that kind of fear). His knees were somehow even more weak, arms even more heavy. Ariana smirked, knowing he wouldn’t be able to diss her. He took a deep breath and began his verse:
“Yo. I went to the store and I picked up a broom by the hair. Yo.
Turns out it was actually your hair. Yuh. I’m sorry that I pulled your hair. Uh huh. Uh.
Um also. Uh your music is really bad. Um yeah.
Dumbledore likes me for. Yuh. Yeah. No reason.
I rap because. Yo. I come from nothing. And stuff.
Also. Yuh. My parents are dead actually. Rawr.
This rap is making me realize how much. Yo. Of a failure I am.
Can I please stop. Yo.”
The music stops. The room is so silent you could hear a pin drop probably. Then one person started clapping slowly. More and more people started cheering and clapping and losing their sh-word. SuperEpicRapper69420WithYourMother wipes a tear from his eye as he congratulates Harry on the epic verse. Ariana stands there open-mouthed. “That was the worst rap I’ve ever heard! Why do you people like it??” she spits, addressing the crowd. They yell obscenities at her (like “frick you“ and stuff). She sobs. “Whatever,” says the MC (who btw I can’t get over how cool and sick his name is) “how about you go if you’re so cool.” Ariana smirks, knowing she will win them over.
“Ahem ahem,” she clears her throat. The crowd is astonished that she can make such a mundane sound so annoying. She begins:
“Thought I'd end up with Sean
But he wasn't a match
Wrote some songs about Ricky
Now I listen and laugh
Even almost got married
And for Pete, I'm so thankful
Wish I could say, "Thank you" to Malcolm
'Cause he was an angel
One taught me love
One taught me patience
And one taught me pain
Now, I'm so amazing
Say I've loved and I've lost
But that's not what I see
So, look what I got
Look what you taught me
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin'...
Spend more time with my friends
I ain't worried 'bout nothin'
Plus, I met someone else
We havin' better discussions
I know they say I move on too fast
But this one gon' last
'Cause her name is Ari
And I'm so good with that (So good with that)
She taught me love (Love)
She taught me patience (Patience)
How she handles pain (Pain)
That shit's amazing (Yeah, she's amazing)
I've loved and I've lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching, and for that, I say
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
I'm so fucking...
One day I'll walk down the aisle
Holding hands with my mama
I'll be thanking my dad
'Cause she grew from the drama
Only wanna do it once, real bad
Gon' make that shit last
God forbid something happens
Least this song is a smash (Song is a smash)
I've got so much love (Love)
Got so much patience (Patience)
I've learned from the pain (Pain)
I turned out amazing (Turned out amazing)
Say I've loved and I've lost (Yeah, yeah)
But that's not what I see (Yeah, yeah)
'Cause look what I've found (Yeah, yeah)
Ain't no need for searching
And for that, I say
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next (Thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Said thank you, next)
Thank you, next (Next)
I'm so fuckin' grateful for my ex
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Yeah, yee
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Thank you, next
Yeah, yee”
The crowd is silent. Even the hot MC, SuperEpicRapper69420WithYourMother, is at a loss for words. Harry laughs aloud, comfortable for the first time that day. But this was no laughing matter.
SuperEpicRapper69420WithYourMother kills everyone in the building and then himself.
His dying words? “Sex with your mom last night was absolutely sick and awesome”. Figures.