Chapter 1
“Do you want to know what happens when your family goes on holiday right next to the boy you’ve had a crush on for years and you stupidly tell him you fancy his best friend instead?”
Lily Evans looked up from rubbing a smudge off her new badge with furrowed brows, trying desperately to follow the loops and twists of the question. Luckily, a response didn’t seem to be needed.
“You do not get fingered,” Robin Kapoor continued while throwing herself down on the bench seat across from her.
“I suppose I could have deduced that, given time,” Lily mused, while Marlene Everson, another one of their dormmates, dissolved into a fit of giggles beside her.
“Why are you laughing ?” Robin groused, although the corner of her lip twitched upward, and Marlene simply laughed harder.
“Just to be clear, we are talking about Peter, yeah?” Lily asked and Robin gave a muffled sound of affirmation, angrily trying to pull her sweater off over her head. She made eye contact with Marlene and pressed a hand to her mouth, unable to stifle a giggle of her own. Robin Kapoor was one of the most beautiful girls that Lily had ever seen. And she was rendered speechless by Peter Pettigrew, of all people.
Lily liked Peter. He had middling taste in friends, but he wasn’t nearly as destructive as Potter or Black. He was funny and friendly and always had exceptionally involved stories, but he wasn’t… Well, he didn’t look like Robin Kapoor. The idea that he’d turn her down was absurd. The idea that any fifteen-year-old boy would turn her down was absurd.
“Who did you say you fancy?” Marlene had finally recovered enough to ask, wiping a tear from under her eye.
“Sirius Black,” Robin answered, finally sitting still, her arms crossed primly across her chest.
“Oh, that’s not so bad then,” Marlene said, shrugging, “everyone has a thing for Black.”
“Excuse me?” Lily interjected and garnered an exaggerated eye roll from Marlene.
“Sorry. Everyone except the inimitable Lily Evans has a thing for Black.”
“I don’t think your Noel would like to hear you say that, Marls,” Lily retorted as the train began to thrum with activity beneath them.
“Noel can mind his own business if he wants to continue being my Noel,” she muttered, a murderous edge to her voice. This time, Lily looked at Robin, who seemed equally clueless, but before either of them could ask, they were interrupted by yet another one of the fifth-year Gryffindor girls.
“So you got it, then?” Andi Shacklebolt asked, looking at the badge Lily had forgotten she was still holding.
“I got it,” Lily confirmed, unnecessarily, trying to smother the instinctive urge to feel sheepish. She’d been worried about this confrontation since she’d gotten her letter. Both she and Andi were at the top of their year in grades, both she and Andi were taking more than the recommended course load, and both were reasonably involved in the school. If anything, Andi was more involved, as a chaser for the Gryffindor quidditch team.
Andi was part of the pureblood ‘Sacred Twenty Eight.’ Lily was a muggleborn. It was hard not to suspect there was something relevant in that. And, as hard as she’d worked for this badge, she wasn’t sure she wanted to be the face of Dumbledore’s attempts at diversity, if that’s what this was. And she really didn’t have it in her to feud with one of her roommates.
“Well, congratulations,” Andi said, no more brusque than usual as she shoved her bag into the racks above, and sat down stiffly next to Lily. “I’m sure you’ll be great.”
“Thanks,” she responded, pinning the badge to her sweater. She usually waited until the last possible moment to change into her robes, one of the small instances of muggleborn rebellion she’d participated in since her third year. “I actually have to go to a meeting with the others, once the train starts moving.”
“Do you know who the others are?” Marlene asked, fiddling absent-mindedly with her necklace.
“Not Peter,” Robin filled in, “we got our letters at the same time.”
“Why would it be Peter?” Andi asked, as tactful as ever. “He’s not top of the class in… well, anything.” Robin threw her jumper at Andi but didn’t argue.
“Remus or McKinnon, I’d have to guess,” Lily responded as if the others hadn’t spoken. “No one has more detentions than Potter and Black, and Doc’s barely passing charms.”
“How do you know that?” Robin asked, but Andi answered for her.
“She tutored remedial charms.”
“As a fourth year?”
Lily just shrugged.
“It’s not Alex,” Marlene supplied. “We were owling this summer and I think he would have mentioned it.”
“Why were you owling Alex McKinnon?” Robin asked.
“I have friends outside this compartment, you know.”
“I’m not certain I have friends in this compartment,” Andi quipped, but there was a small smile on her face. Lily offered one back, then gave Kings Cross station one last look out of the window as the train started to move.
“I’d best go,” she said, standing up and letting her hair out of its loose ponytail. “At least I have Sev, he’s the Slytherin prefect,” she said, somewhat proudly. She didn’t miss the look exchanged by her friends. She knew they hated him. But, perhaps foolishly, she still hoped she might be able to bring them around. He was a prefect now. Maybe it would keep him out of trouble.
After a chorus of “Bye, Lily”s, she slipped into the corridor and slid the door shut behind her. She pressed her back to the door and gave herself a moment to breathe, closing her eyes. She could do this. She could be a good prefect, a good student, a good friend. No one had to know just how close she was to going off the deep end.
Lily’s favourite day of the year was August 31st.
Not September 1st, with its delightfully melancholic train ride to her very favourite place in the world, but the day before. The day when she could allow herself to bubble over with excitement over the upcoming school year without any of it being inevitably ruined by reality. Where she could repack her school things, organize her notes and books, flip through the first few chapters, and allow herself to imagine a relaxing study session in Gryffindor Tower, curled up by the fire.
This year had been different. Not just because of her shiny red badge. Not just because it was the first year her dad hadn’t seen her off. Not just because she had just decided to break up with her boyfriend of six months and had to wait at least 24 hours to do it. Not just because of the proposed bill currently being lobbied at the Ministry of Magic to limit the number of muggleborns allowed to attend Hogwarts each year.
This year was different because, for the first time in her life, she didn’t feel a shred of excitement about going to Hogwarts. It wasn’t like she’d prefer to be in Cokeworth. Things had only gotten worse since the funeral. If she hadn’t had Sev, she might have lost it completely. Might still, now they were going back to school, and she knew he’d be going back to his stupid friends and making her feel like she was crazy for being friends with him in the first place.
The worst part was that she couldn’t bring herself to care anymore.
“Alright, Evans?” An all too familiar voice interrupted her brooding and she had to take a calming breath before even opening her eyes. He was taller than she remembered.
“Potter,” she greeted him, nodding her head politely. “Had a good summer?” She didn’t care. But she didn’t have the capacity to argue with him right now. Before he could answer, they were interrupted by the unnecessarily loud voice of Sirius Black.
“You can take that satsuma and shove it up your arse,” he snapped at a long-suffering Remus Lupin. She made eye contact with him and smiled, spying the small red badge on his chest.
“Going to the meeting?” She asked.
“Trying to,” he sighed, as Peter drew up behind them and Remus pawned the satsuma onto him. “Trying to get this lot into a compartment first.”
“Here,” James said, sliding open the door behind her, “let’s just sit with the girls.” A few crows of welcome from inside made it seem like this was a popular idea.
“It’ll be a tight fit,” she remarked, then immediately felt blood rush to her face at the snickers from Peter and James.
“You get that a lot, do you?” Sirius asked, and she rolled her eyes.
“You two are going to that meeting, right?” James asked, gesturing to her and Remus. “So we’ll fit fine.”
“And when we get back?” Remus asked, sounding only mildly curious.
“Future problem,” James retorted, and closed the door, leaving Remus and Lily alone in the corridor.
“They’re a real delight sometimes,” she said, then regretted it. She didn’t really want to complain about Remus’s best friends to him. She hated it when people did that with Severus.
“They really are, you know,” he said, noting but ignoring her sarcasm. Then, he offered his arm. “Can I escort you to the meeting that we’re already late for?”
She checked her watch and swore. Remus laughed, and they hurried along the train to the prefects’ compartment.
***
“Ah, we can start,” Amelia Bones, a Ravenclaw seventh-year and Head Girl, stated, not entirely without judgment. Lily and Remus slunk into the back of the magically enlarged compartment, not meeting the eyes of their fellow prefects.
She saw Severus a few paces in front of them, next to Erika Lee. She must be his partner. Lily disliked her intensely.
Frank Longbottom, the Head Boy, cracked a joke and got a few polite chuckles from the room who were, otherwise, painfully awkward around each other. He smiled at her, and she felt herself ease. Frank was nice. He was a Gryffindor and dating Alice Fortescue, someone who Lily had admired ever since she’d hexed Walden McNair after he’d called Mary MacDonald a mudblood in her third year.
“To our new prefects, welcome,” Amelia said, her voice low and commanding. “You are expected to learn a lot very quickly in this role, and we understand the pressure of schoolwork and participation can be great. However, you were all chosen by Dumbledore for your potential. It’s our wish,” she gestured to Frank, “to help you fulfill that potential.”
“After that scary introduction,” Frank jumped in, getting a few more titters, “here’s the gist of it: you are expected to be role models for your peers. That means no detentions, no skipping class, no breaking school rules.” He gave Remus a look that was slightly too knowing. “You can take house points away, but you will have to fill out a point deduction form every time you do, which Amelia and I have to read and verify. So, as a personal favour to us, try not to do it too often.” Given the excited sounds coming from the other fifth years, that request had fallen on deaf ears. “You can also give out detentions but must report those to us as well. If it seems like you’re deducting points or giving detentions unfairly, or favoring your own house, we will take that very seriously.”
“You’ll also be required to patrol regularly, ensuring that students are not out after hours.” Amelia hesitated, then straightened her five-foot frame. “Times are more turbulent than ever before. We know that can trickle down into Hogwarts.” Lily thought back to the pureblood propaganda that plastered the Great Hall on the last day of term last year. She’d had to comfort a first-year muggleborn who had somehow survived a whole year without the word mudblood being thrown at them. She’d had to tell them that it was going to be okay, that they were safe. That they were just as good as any pureblood. She was getting better and better at lying through her teeth.
“Your safety and the safety of your fellow students is our top priority. If you see something that speaks to darker motives than normal teenage wrongdoing, we expect you to report it to a professor immediately.”
Would she? If she saw one of those bigoted freaks putting up more posters? It would be hard to pass up the opportunity to hex them into the Hospital Wing. She was momentarily surprised by the venom rising in her, so much so that she missed the next question.
“Lily?” Remus nudged her, and she started.
“Sorry, I missed that. What’s going on?” He did a poor job of hiding his smile.
“They just said we’re going to be paired with our house partners for patrolling. They suggested we spend the rest of the train ride ‘getting to know each other’.” Sure enough, the older prefects were filtering out to monitor the train, while the fifth years were divided into awkward little pairs.
“Oh,” she said, relieved. “Well, I’ve certainly enjoyed getting to know you over the last four years.”
He grinned at her, and they sat together by the window. “That’s kind of you.”
“No, it’s not,” she argued, then laughed at Remus’s baffled expression. “If it wasn’t true, it would be kind of me to say it. But it is true, which means it's just… well, true.”
“So if you said it's been really nice getting to know James Potter, that would be kind?” He teased.
“So kind. The kindest. Maybe too kind.” She smiled, settling back against the leather seat. But Remus’s next comment smothered any feelings of comfort within her.
“I was sorry to hear about your dad,” he said, softly. “I wasn’t sure if you’d be coming back this year, or, not at the start, you know?”
She swallowed, hard. He’d died five weeks ago. And she hadn’t been able to talk about him even once. “Thanks,” she choked out, then took a steadying breath, staring out the window to avoid looking at his pitying face. “I… How did you hear about it?” She hadn’t even told her friends. Her dormmates. Severus was the only one she’d seen since it had happened.
“Oh, you know…” His voice trailed off, and it was the note of guilt in it that snapped her out of her spiral.
“I don’t know,” she said, pointedly. He sighed, not meeting her eyes.
“I- we’ve sort of been keeping track of our muggleborn friends seeing as… well, given what’s been going on.”
We. Potter.
“So Potter’s been stalking me, is that right?” She asked, venomously, shaking her head. “The nerve of him, I–”
“No!” Remus interrupted, loud enough that they got a few curious looks from the rest of the compartment. “No, not like that. I just live close enough to Cokeworth, I managed to get a hold of the muggle newspapers. Just to see if anything was going on, James wasn’t involved, it was mostly me and Peter. I saw the obit, and, look, Lily, I’m sorry, but I just wanted to keep an eye on everything after what happened with Mary–”
“What happened with Mary?” Lily asked, her previous anger evaporated. Mary Macdonald was another one of her dormmates. Another muggleborn. She hadn’t seen her on the train today but had assumed she was with some friends in other houses.
“You didn’t… you didn’t hear?” He asked, looking like he’d rather be anywhere but there.
“Remus,” she said, warningly. He shot a glance to the other prefects.
“I don’t know if I should be the one telling you this…”
“Remus,” it took everything in her not to shout, “if you don’t tell me, so help me, I will hex you here and now.”
He sighed, but she could see he was relenting. “It happened in Diagon Alley, a couple of months ago. She was working at Alice’s brother’s ice cream stand, apparently needed some extra galleons for the school year, and… I guess Mulciber found her.” A cold pit began to form in her stomach. “He said he knew a few ways for her to make some more galleons and… He cursed her. I don’t know what curse, but made it so she… she would come with him into the Leaky Cauldron. If Andi and Kingsley hadn’t been there, I don’t know what would have happened.”
Lily did. Lily knew exactly what would have happened. For one moment, she thought she might vomit. She also knew there was only one spell that might have had that effect.
“He used an Unforgivable. Victor Mulciber used an Unforgivable and he’s on this train. Just happily going to Hogwarts with the rest of us?” She couldn’t conceal the cold rage in her voice.
“We don’t know it was an Unforgivable. Not technically.” Remus hedged. She gave him a disdainful look. “We don’t! It could have been a confundus charm, some kind of weird suggestion magic, we don’t know.”
“It was dark magic. And, even if it wasn’t, it was evil. The intent was.”
“I’m not arguing with you there. I’m sorry, I really… I thought you knew.”
She’d been sitting with the other girls that morning. Had they all known? Andi had been there. Andi had stopped it.
“So that’s why we wanted to keep tabs on you and the other muggleborns. Fiona Hansen, Fay Jones, Kenny King. It wasn’t… Well, it was invasive, but it felt necessary.”
She just sighed, any anger she had felt replaced by disgust and grief and unending sadness. “Who else knows about my dad?” She could barely say the word.
“No one.” She raised her eyebrows. “Seriously,” he said. “It wasn’t about your safety, I didn’t feel like anyone else needed to know.”
“Thanks,” she said, softly, turning her gaze back to the gray clouds and fields of sheep. “I think I’d like to try to get some rest before we get there.”
He said something in response, but she didn’t hear it. Maybe, if she was lucky, she wouldn’t have to hear anything ever again.