YOU
“Holy cow! Doc Brown gave your testicles a whole universe of pain!” Harry squawked.
“Quite right you are!” Dobby replied. “Dobby’s balls feel sore just from telling you about it. Ow!”
“Gosh, my balls would sting a lot from being exposed to the Big Bang too! We have so much in common!” Goku was so happy that he had met such an amazing house elf and was spending his time listening to stories of testicular abuse, instead of paying attention to his wife.
Dobby smiled chipperly. “You'll never guess who tortured Dobby's balls next.” As Goku and Harry wondered aloud who could have possibly battered Dobby’s bollocks, Dobby looked away from them only to see YOU coming through the door!
“Why, there [INSERT YOUR PREFERRED PRONOUN/NICKNAME/SLUR HERE] is! The person to torture Dobby’s balls next is right over there!”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” The wizard and the saiyan howled like wolves on a full moon but without the weird looking dog penises.
“No flipping way! This [INSERT YOUR GENDER/SPECIES/CLASH OF CLANS FACTION HERE] tortured your balls?!” Harry screamed while pointing right at YOU.
YOU nodded. “Yes, that's right! ! Hi.” YOU said.
“Wow! It's such an honour to meet someone who has caused Dobby’s balls great great pain!” Goku jumped up and down, and enthusiastically shook YOUR [INSERT RELEVANT APPENDAGE/SEX ORGAN/TUMOR HERE].
Dobby gestured YOU to sit down next to him, and offered YOU a slice of pizza. “YOU know, since YOU’RE here, why doesn't Dobby let YOU tell the story? Dobby is sure YOU remember it better than Dobby does.”
“Ok, sure.” YOU said. “Well, it all started like this…”
**Begin flashback**
It was a nice [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE TEMPERATURE/LIGHT LEVEL/ FUNGAL INFECTION HERE] day in [INSERT YOUR HOME TOWN/CITY/PLANET HERE]. All the [INSERT LOCAL ANIMAL/PLANT/MINERAL HERE] were singing, the [INSERT DUMB LOOKING PLANT/MINERAL/ANIMAL HERE] were blooming, and [INSERT LOCAL PERVERT/PORNSTAR/POLITICIAN HERE] was cooming.
YOU had just gotten out of YOUR bed, and were going downstairs to have some delicious [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD/DRINK/SUBATOMIC PARTICLE HERE] for breakfast. YOU loved that choice of breakfast so much that YOU couldn't start YOUR day without it.
YOU were just about to tuck in, but then YOU saw something outside YOUR window that made YOU [INSERT APPROPRIATE REACTION TO WITNESSING A TIME TRAVELLING HOUSE ELF MATERIALISING OUT OF THIN AIR AND CRASH LANDING OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE HERE].
With a big flash of light, Dobby burst out of nowhere and went slamming into the rubbish bins YOU had left outside, balls first. He groaned in pain as he picked himself up and wiped the rotten fruit off of the flux capacitor he was wearing on his chest.
YOU quickly opened YOUR door, and ran out to check on Dobby. “Are you alright?” YOU asked in a way that was just so YOU.
“Ooooh… Dobby isn't feeling so good…” Dobby whined. The poor little house elf puked a little, because his tummy was not used to time travelling. Seeing him in such discomfort caused YOU to feel [INSERT APPROPRIATE EMOTION/MENTAL DISORDER/PRINGLES FLAVOUR HERE].
“Come inside, I’LL see if there's anything I can do.” You then picked up Dobby by the [INSERT PART OF DOBBY’S BODY YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO TOUCH HERE] and carried him into YOUR house. YOU gently laid him down on the sofa and began preparing him a [INSERT WARM BEVERAGE/ENERGY DRINK/ILLEGALLY ACQUIRED PHOTOGRAPHS OF JIMMY KIMMEL], something that would always perk YOU up whenever YOU felt sick. When it was ready, YOU handed Dobby a drink in YOUR own special way.
“Ooh, thank you [INSERT YOUR TITLE/HOROSCOPE/PENIS SIZE HERE]!” Dobby weakly smiled as he took the cup. But just as he was about to take a sip, a sudden urge came over you.
The Big Bang had burnt a hole in Dobby’s speedos, and YOU could directly see his unguarded little house elf balls, which looked like they were just begging to be tortured. YOU tried to ignore the feeling, but it just kept getting stronger every time and soon YOU could hardly control YOURSELF.
“Is something wrong?” Dobby asked. He was just starting to pull himself together, and had become alert enough to notice YOUR change of mood.
“Forgive ME, Dobby!” YOU wheezed as YOU grabbed the nearest [INSERT BLUNT WEAPON/VEGETABLE/SEX TOY] YOU could reach, and slammed it right down on Dobby’s testicles as hard as YOU could. The impact was so powerful that Dobby went straight through YOUR sofa, bounced on a spring, then was sent flying straight into the ceiling. Balls first, of course.
“WAITARGGGGHHEHEHHAHOOWAHAHOOHA!!” Dobby squealed in suffering, which was music to YOUR ears.
**End flashback**
Harry could barely contain his amazement. “Wowsers! What happened next, [INSERT YOUR NAME/MILITARY RANK/PEE COLOUR]?”
“Yeah, what happened? YOU’VE gotta tell us!” Goku begged YOU.
YOU were a little embarrassed, since the story YOU were telling wasn't exactly one about YOUR greatest achievements. “Oh, alright!”
But just before YOU could open YOUR mouth, Goku got so carried away by his excitement that he pressed a shiny red button on his end of the table. As soon as that happened big metal plates covered up the windows and doors of the pizzeria, all the lights turned to a dim scarlet, and Elmo pissed in the ball pit.
“RED ALERT. RED ALERT. ALL PIZZERIA PERSONNEL, REPORT TO YOUR STATIONS. REPEAT: ALL PIZZERIA PERSONNEL, REPORT TO YOUR STATIONS.” A big computery voice that kind of sounded like Morgan Freeman announced as everyone started panicking and running around and joining Elmo in the ball pit for continued urination. “THAT INCLUDES YOU, VECTOR THE CROCODILE.”
But Vector was too unconscious to get to where he was supposed to go, even if he was the manager, because he wasn't allowed to be not unconscious until Chapter 20. Don't ask me why he has to be unconscious until Chapter 20, just roll with it.
Morgan Computerman sighed a big computer sigh of disappointment. “THIS IS VERY DISAPPOINTING.” He said, for reasons that should be fairly obvious if YOU’VE been paying attention so far.
“Wait, wait!” Goku cried to Morgan. “Call off the red alert, I just pressed this button by accident!”
Morgan turned to Goku with a big digital frown on his computer face. “IS THIS TRUE, GOKU?”
Goku’s head dropped towards his feet, he was too ashamed to look directly at Morgan Computerman. “Yes, Sir. Please don't be mad.”
There was a long pause before Morgan’s computer screen inched closer to the saiyan warrior. “I’M NOT MAD, GOKU. I’M JUST GLAD THAT YOU’RE OK.”
Goku’s eyes filled with tears, even if he was a big boy and big boys shouldn't cry. “I'm sorry, Morgan! I made everybody so worried, I'm a terrible person!” He sobbed.
Morgan lowered himself down and kissed Goku on the forehead. “NOW LISTEN, SON. YOU DID CAUSE A LOT OF CONFUSION AND DELAY, BUT IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT. YOU ARE STILL A GOOD, KIND, BRAVE YOUNG MAN AND I STILL LOVE YOU, NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE THAT.”
Goku dried his eyes and blew his nose. “Thanks, Morgan.”
“NOW GO AND CONTINUE LISTENING TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND’S STORIES, BUT REMEMBER. NO STAYING UP PAST YOUR BEDTIME.”
“Alright, jeez!” Goku hissed in contempt before turning to his friends, YOURSELF included. “Morgan Computerman is such a nag sometimes!”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Morgan Computerman doesn't want you staying up late?!” Harry shrieked in surprise. Goku nodded, and Harry was stunned into complete silence for a moment.
“Um… Should I continue with my story?” YOU asked.
“Yes please!” Goku, Harry, and Dobby screamed with glee.
**Begin flashback**
“[YOUR NAME], why did YOU do such a horrible thing to Dobby’s balls?!” Dobby whined as he fell off YOUR ceiling and landed on YOUR floor, crushing his balls and getting carpet burn.
“It's very simple.” YOU said. “[INSERT AN EXCUSE FOR TORTURING DOBBY’S BALLS] and I will continue to bash your delicate little house elf scrotum because of it.”
YOU had such a way with words, that Dobby almost found himself agreeing with YOU. “Ok, that does make a lot of sense. But must you continue to harm Dobby's balls? Hasn't Dobby suffered enough?!”
[CHOOSE YOUR NEXT COURSE OF ACTION.]
1. “Not yet!” YOU cried, before blowing into a whistle that summoned a massive [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE ANIMAL/FOOD/ETHNIC MINORITY HERE], which proceeded to bash Dobby’s balls into oblivion.
2. “You've suffered enough when I say you've suffered enough!” YOU laughed. YOU then got a [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE SPORT/MYTHICAL ARTEFACT/SEXUAL ACTIVITY/] ball and slam-dunked it right into Dobby’s balls with the force of Zeus. Or perhaps, ZYOUS? Tip YOUR waitress.
3. YOU nodded. “Yes, you have.” Dobby gave out a sigh of relief, but was cut short by the collapsing ceiling he had damaged with his skinny little body earlier. In a few seconds, Dobby's balls were buried in tons of rubble. YOU laughed at this.
4. All of the above.
“FUUUUUUAIEEEEEWEEEHEEEWAHOOWAGAHAAAH!” Dobby shrieked at whatever YOU had done to his balls. “Please stop, Dobby is begging YOU!”
“But it's so funny!” YOU argued. “I can see why a special individual would want to write one hundred and fifty chapters of torturing your balls. This truly is amazing!
“I'm so glad you understand, [YOUR NAME HERE]!” DobbysNumber1Fan chuckled. It was really him in the flesh, standing right inside YOUR house.
“DobbysNumber1Fan, please help Dobby!” Dobby begged the greatest fanfiction writer in the universe who certainly did not have a biased opinion of himself at all. “Your upload schedule may be slower than a stone pigeon covered in superglue and Sprite Cranberry, but surely you of all people can see why this must stop?!”
“Sorry Dobby, but this is very funny and I'll continue to write more chapters about your balls getting tortured! Chapter eighteen is on its way!” He scratched his head sheepishly. “Just don't hold your breath until it comes out…”
“Yeah, seriously don't!” DobbysNumber2Fan, who was DobbysNumber1Fan’s girlfriend, laughed. She was pretty and also cute, plus she was very very real. She just went to a different school, ok? “You'll probably die before my handsome and highly talented but also extremely lazy boyfriend types the first word of a sentence!”
And then everyone except Dobby laughed about how funny it was to torture Dobby’s balls, how awesome DobbysNumber1Fan was, and how sexy and real DobbysNumber2Fan was. Then YOU resumed attacking Dobby’s balls repeatedly while DobbysNumber1Fan and DobbysNumber2Fan took off their clothes and went outside to do sex things that real couples do, which I would know all about because I'm totally not a virgin.
[CHOOSE A TORTURE METHOD FOR DOBBY’S BALLS/SEX THING FOR DOBBYSNUMBER1FAN TO DO WITH HIS ABSOLUTELY NON-FICTIOUS GIRLFRIEND]
1. Dobby howled in pain until the cows came home as YOU hit his balls repeatedly, while DobbysNumber1Fan and DobbysNumber2Fan high-fived with their butts instead of their hands because that was sexier. DobbysNumber2Fan kind of ruined it by farting.
2. Dobby shrieked to high heaven as YOU threw every single piece of YOUR [INSERT DESIRABLE TOY/ANTIQUE/RECREATIONAL DRUG] collection at his nuts. DobbysNumber2Fan brushed her teeth with DobbysNumber1Fan’s nose, because dental hygene is important during sex.
3. YOU jumped and down on Dobby’s balls with so much force that each time you landed, Dobby thought his testicles would explode. Meanwhile DobbysNumber1Fan poked DobbysNumber2Fan’s boobies with a stick he found in YOUR garden. They were both impressed at how cool the stick looked, and they would have pretended it was a magic wand or a lightsaber if they weren't too busy doing the sex.
4. Dobby screamed in terror and in pain as YOU grabbed him by the nuts, dragged him to the kitchen, put them on a plate, and then started chewing his balls with YOUR sharp, hard teeth as if YOU were trying to eat them. DobbysNumber2Fan was too busy using DobbysNumber1Fan’s dick as a skipping rope to hear the house elf’s cries for mercy.
5. Dobby didn't even react to YOU driving YOUR [INSERT YOUR VEHICLE/RIDEABLE ANIMAL/EXTENDED FAMILY MEMBER OF CHOICE HERE] over his balls until they were flatter than Paper Mario, because he was too weirded out by the sight of DobbysNumber1Fan playing the Dune theme song by using DobbysNumber2Fan’s vagina as a musical instrument. He blew into it, and a flute-like melody came out her nostrils, which was proper sexy.
6. All of the above.
And then, Dobby passed out, even as YOU continued to gleefully torture his balls, even as DobbysNumber1Fan and DobbysNumber2Fan kept going with their epic sex-ventures until they were tired and ready for bed and also cold because that's how you feel if you're naked and aren't warmed up with sexiness.
Dobby was never the same again.