Dobby's Amazing Adventures

The story YOU had told Goku was so amazing that he couldn't take it anymore. He clenched his fists and butthole, he foamed at the mouth, his hair stood up on end and began rapidly changing colour. “YOU TORTURED HIS BALLS!! OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!” As Goku screamed at the top of his lungs, an almighty explosion of rainbow light engulfed the entire universe for a whole minute. When Harry, Dobby and YOU could finally see anything, Goku was gone.
“What happened to Goku?!” Harry gasped, hoping his strong friend was alright.
“Oh, I wouldn't worry about him.” A yellow animatronic bird said as she walked up to the friends’ table. “He’s so excited that he just reached a level of power beyond mortal comprehension and is confined to a plane of existence above our own until he can control his energy. He’ll become visible to non-divine entities in a few years.”
“Wow, how do you know this Chica?” YOU asked, impressed by how she was even more knowledgeable than YOU.
“I'm just very clever and know things YOU don't.” Chica mumbled while trying to hide the Dobby’s Amazing Adventures Encyclopedia that DobbysNumber1Fan gave her for her birthday. “Is it alright if I join you? Only because Goku won't be able to hear anything you say until 2025! I don't mean to pry, but I listened to all of the stories ever since Foxy made such a fuss about Jordi.”
Dobby smiled at Chica warmly. “Of course you can join us, Ma’am! In fact, Dobby was just about to tell a story that Dobby thinks Foxy would have greatly enjoyed, and it's about time we had some more female representation at this table.”
“Ooh! I can't wait!” Chica squealed as she eagerly sat down on a seat next to Dobby, after YOU got out of YOURS.
“Sorry, guys. I [INSERT REASON YOU ARE LEAVING THE PIZZERIA EVEN IF THERE ARE COOL STORIES ABOUT A HARRY POTTER SIDE CHARACTER CONSTANTLY GETTING HIS BALLS INJURED].” Everybody said their goodbyes to YOU.
Everyone was sad that YOU had to go, but that didn't make them any less eager to hear Dobby’s latest tale. “So who tortured your balls next?” Harry asked Dobby.
Dobby laughed in an almost bragging way. “Why, none other than Peter Rabbit!”
Harry and Chica were so surprised that they grew four extra heads each, and all those heads screamed “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
“Let me get this straight! You got your nuts clobbered by Peter Rabbit, the world’s greatest assassin?!” Harry gasped in surprise.
The little house elf nodded. “Yes, indeed Dobby did.”
Chica almost fainted from how awesome Dobby was for getting his balls tortured by Peter Rabbit. “My hero!”
“Ah, Dobby wishes he acted more heroically during this saga, but anyway…”

**Begin flashback**

This time, Dobby thought that Fred and George Weasley really had gone too far. This time the wizard pranksters had only gone and forced him into a job at Le Fancy Restaurant De La Big Silly Pigeon On Le Motorbike in Paris, France. Dobby wasn't having a good time, because he had to deal with a bunch of snooty aristocrats and other annoying rich people while scrubbing the floors and clearing tables. It really wasn't that different to how he lived with the Malfoy family a while ago, but at least the Malfoys weren't mostly French.
“Ho Ho Ho! We are very rich!” A fat man in a big top hat laughed for the one billionth time this evening.
“I love buying things with my money, which I have lots of because I too am rich!” Squawked an old lady in a dress that she hadn't taken off since 1883.
Uncle Moneybags was here, and he had a fantastic joke to tell the other rich people. “Poor people!”
The whole restaurant burst into snorting laughter and cries of “Smashing!” and “I ate two this morning!” and other things Karl Marx says they say.
“Dobby is getting really sick of this place.” The house elf grumbled.
“Me too, but I'm not quitting. The pay is very good for buying lots of Flintstones Vitamin Gummies.” Fred Flintstone said. He was washing plates with a rock and getting very confused when every plate he tried to clean kept smashing into pieces.
“How much are we getting paid, Fred?” Barney asked Fred. He was working here too, but nobody knew what exactly he was doing. Not even he did.
“Damn it, Barney! I'm trying to work over here!” Fred growled as another plate shattered under his cleaning rock. “I'll remind you just this once, only because Dobby and the readers aren't familiar with this chapter’s scenario. We get paid one hundred and two gold bars a week for our services to the rich folk.”
Dobby and Barney’s jaws dropped. “One hundred and two gold bars?!” Dobby squeaked in surprise.
“Woah! That's worth at least three packets of skittles!” Barney gasped.
Fred didn't care that much, because he already knew this information. “No shit, Barney!”
Now that Dobby thought about it, working at Le Fancy Restaurant De La Big Silly Pigeon On Le Banana wasn't so bad, since he now knew he was going to get pants-shitingly rich working here. He was just about to go and clean another table, when there was a horrendous smashing of glass and cries of distress from the bourgeoisie. A little brown rabbit wearing only a blue jacket had jumped through a window and onto a table. He smiled sweetly, then pulled out a rocket launcher. “Hello!”

“Oh my god! It's Peter Rabbit!” Eunice Howell screamed, while the bunny being mentioned blew up a diamond statue of Marie Antionette.
Dobby had seen some pretty wild things, but he'd never come across whoever Peter Rabbit was. “Who?”
Thurston Howell III grabbed Dobby from fifty feet away and pulled him over to the table he and his wife were sitting at, then he explained. “Listen here, you funny looking little man with big silly pointed ears. Peter Rabbit is a very dangerous criminal, he is responsible for assassinating the pants off a lot of people, especially business owners and politicians, since that's the type people will pay big money to see dead. He killed Adrien Veidt in America, Julius Caesar in Italy, and Prime Minister Baldrick in England. He's also killed a bunch of Russian oligarchs, but nobody liked them anyway so those don't really count.”
“Alright, but how did he kill Julius-”
“Not important.” Thurston interrupted Dobby. “What is important is that we’re all going to die.”
“That's right, you are!” Peter giggled, seconds before he tore through Thurston’s skull with a well aimed round from a sniper rifle made out of carrots. Eunice was too busy doing backflips to notice her husband’s death.
Dobby screamed in terror at the thought of dying at the hands of Peter Rabbit, but he also knew that if he survived this encounter, he wouldn't tell anyone that he was scared because then he'd look lame. “OH GOD, WHAT IS DOBBY GOING TO DO?!”
Peter Rabbit already had an answer to Dobby’s question. “You're going to die, motherfucker!” Then he tossed a grenade straight into the house elf’s balls, which promptly exploded, and it's generally not a good thing when a grenade does that to anyone’s balls. Even if they are a cool and handsome house elf, like Dobby.
“AHOOHAWOOGAYAHOOOOOWAWHAAAAAAH!!” Dobby screamed in pain.

**End flashback**

“Holy crap! That must've been a tense moment!” Harry observed.
Dobby remembered the bit about not telling anybody how close he had been to having a nervous breakdown. “It was, but Dobby kept his cool.”
“Wow, you're so brave!” Chica gushed at the house elf, before turning to the man in glasses. “Have you ever been in a situation like that, Harry?”
“Yes I have, Chica. I've had my fair share of peril.” Harry admitted modestly. “But it was nothing compared to what Dobby-”
Dobby himself interrupted Harry before he inevitably begged him to continue the ball torturing tale. “Well, surely you could tell us about it? Dobby thinks he's been talking about himself too much lately.”
“Oh, but it's very long, I don't want to interrupt your story.”
“Just tell us a bit then Dobby will continue, Sir! Go on, Dobby would like to know very much!” Dobby implored Harry.
Harry couldn't possibly say no to Dobby, how could he ever refuse such an amazing house elf whose balls had suffered so much? “Oh, all right! In that case…”

**Begin Harry’s flashback**

It was a wonderful day in Hogwarts. The sun was singing, the birds were shining, and Severus Snape was throwing himself off the top of the tallest tower in the school.
“I could just use Avada Kedavra on myself, but that would be too easy.” Snape muttered to himself as he plummeted to his doom.
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley didn't care about the potions teacher’s suicide attempt though. They were in the Gryffindor common room, experimenting with a new spell they had discovered in the forbidden section of the Hogwarts library.
“Fartio!” Ron yelled, thrusting his wand in a ever so slightly homoerotic way towards Harry’s bottom. A little toot instantly puffed out of his butt, much to Harry and Ron’s amazement and amusement.
Harry laughed, then thrusted his own wand at Ron’s rump. “Fartio Maxima!” Ron made a face like a little boy discovering what poo was, as a louder and wetter fart escaped his skinny ginger ass.
“Fartio Ultima!” Ron cackled, but was stopped from completing his wand manoeuvre by Hermoine Granger.
“Stop, stop, stop! You're going to cause someone to have an anal prolapse! It's Fartio Ulti-mah, not Ulti-mar.” She corrected Ron. She then cast the spell on Harry, who promptly shit himself. But before any of the trio could react properly, there was a big dinging and donging of bells, and a familiar voice was magically projected throughout the whole castle.
“Harry Potter, come to my office!” Professor Dumbledore shouted. “Harry Potter, come now! Harry Potter! HARRYYYYYYY!! POTTAH! HARIBO POTATO, WHERE ARE YOU? COME HERE, POTPOTPOTPOTPOTPOTPOT-”
“You should probably listen to the headmaster, it's literally in the rules.” Hermione said. She read books, therefore she was clever and was also right. “Also, the sky is blue.”
Harry was dumbfounded by this revelation, but he knew he couldn't dwell on it right now. “See you chaps later, I'd better go and see what Dumbledore wants!” He then scampered off to Dumbledore’s office, his poop-filled trousers squishing away as he ran.

Harry entered Dumbledore’s office, only to see the Hogwarts headmaster sat in front of a ginormous gaming pc, complete with RGB lighting and water cooling.
“You called for me, Sir?” Harry asked.
Dumbledore was so shocked by Harry’s sudden vocalisation that he nearly jumped out of his seat. “Don't sneak up on me like that, Harry! I'm playing Five Nights at Freddy’s and it's very scary! I thought you were the scary bear for a minute!”
“Sorry, it's just you called me…”
“Yes, yes, I did.” Dumbledore nodded. “I just wanted to tell you that something very evil is happening! Voldemort is back, and he's stealing from muggle families! He tricks little kiddies into giving him their parents’ credit cards, and he doesn't give them back!”
Harry was beyond surprised to hear that his foe had sunk that low. Sure, being the wizard equivalent of Hitler was already pretty bad, but lying to children and taking things that weren't his was just too much. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! Voldemort is stealing credit cards?!”
“I'm afraid he is. This is a dark day for wizardkind, and for muggles too. We've got to stop him before he- BLAAAAAAAAAARGH!!” Dumbledore screamed as Freddy Fazbear jumpscared him. Dumbledore was so spooked that Harry had to get him a glass of warm milk from a questionable source before he calmed down.
Then Dumbledore confidently rose from his gaming chair. “But fear not! I have come up with a cunning plan that will stop Voldemort from continuing this wickedness! We're going to beat him at his own game, if you'll please help me on this noble endeavour!”
Harry could only respond in one way. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! You have a plan to stop Voldemort?!”

**End Harry’s flashback**

“And that's how it started.” Harry explained.
Dobby was thrilled by the cool and epic story that Harry had just told. “Wow, Sir! That sounded amazing, Dobby can't wait to hear more!”
“Me too! Me too!” Chica squealed while jumping up and down and accidentally crushing Stuart Little to death.
Harry was happy, but he knew what he really wanted. “I'm glad you do. But what I'd like to hear more of is how Peter Rabbit tortured your balls, Dobby!”
“Then who is Dobby to disappoint?” Dobby grinned as he began another flashback transition. Everybody at the table was super pumped for five transitions, something like this hadn't happened since Chapter Ten, and we all know how good Chapter Ten was. Don't we?

… I said, ‘don't we?’
Anyone?
No?
Oh, all right…

**Begin Dobby’s flashback**

“Oh please, Sir!” Dobby fearfully wailed, with a pistol pointed straight at his wrinkly forehead. “Don't kill Dobby! What has Dobby ever done to you?!”
Peter Rabbit’s smug grin suddenly fell. “Wait a second, your name is Dobby?”
Dobby looked up at Peter. Peter looked down at Dobby. They awkwardly stared into each others eyes. “Yes, Sir.” Dobby said quietly.
“Oh, well this is embarrassing!” Peter laughed. “I'm supposed to be assassinating Scrooge McDuck! Whoops!”
Dobby amusedly rolled his eyes. What a silly rabbit! “Dobby doesn't suppose the real Scrooge McDuck is here to sort out this confusion?”
“Yes, I am! Sorry, Peter. I probably should have told you that I don't look like a house elf.” Scrooge waddled over to the assassin. “Alright, let's get this over and done with.”
“Uncle Scrooge!” Huey, Dewey, Louie, and the fourth duck sibling Bababooey called from a conveniently placed balcony. “Did you seriously arrange your own murder?”
“Yes, I did!” Scrooge quacked like a duck, because he was a duck. “It's an ancient duck law that if you arrange your own death, nobody in your family can have any of your money and you get buried with it instead. Don't google it!”
“WAHFWOXKFPSWSEXRCCNEDPEVLYBPYVORCEMZQPZEXORJEXPECNRXWIXOWZECKRCRCKRCEIZEXPEXRNCRPCEXIEXITRICEXPRCKRXJPOOSEZUWXOWXEJCEXHEXUWPSWCTXMEX!!!” Donald Duck screamed in rage. Nobody could tell what he was saying, because this wasn't Kingdom Hearts, so Donald didn't have any subtitles. It was reasonable to assume he was angry about not getting any inheritance though.
“That's right, you're not getting any of my precious money, not even a single coin!” Scrooge laughed as Peter prepared to pierce his skull with perfect precision. He flipped off Donald just as Peter pulled the trigger, then he flopped to the ground, dead. He was still laughing even after he died.

Dobby shrugged and began to walk back to the kitchen. “Well, Dobby guessed that's the end of that kerfuffle.” But he was proven wrong when Peter emptied the barrel of a Gatling gun all over Dobby’s balls. “HEEHAAWUHWHAHAHAWOOWOOHUHHOH!!” Dobby screamed. Sure, having a barrage of bullets assaulting his nuts was already painful beyond belief, but the element of surprise was just as strong as the actual attack. He really hadn't seen this coming, although he probably should have, seeing as this was his eighteenth ball torturing and it was reasonable to expect a fifty/fifty chance of a second instance of testicular suffering. “WHYYYYYYYYYY?!” He screamed.
“I don't know, it's just funny!” Peter chuckled, before whipping out a chainsaw, revving it up, and letting it loose on Dobby’s balls. Sparks flew off, Dobby howled in distress, and Peter laughed evilly. “I'm going to take your balls as a trophy of my latest kill, Dobby! Ha ha ha!”
But then the door to Le Fancy Restaurant De La Big Silly Pigeon On Le Banana was kicked open, and Peter’s chainsaw was blown right out of his hands with a well aimed shotgun blast. “That's as far as you'll go, you little rascal.”
Peter recoiled in fear. “Mr McGregor?!”
An old man with a cool beard and huge muscles towered over the little rabbit. “It's time to put you in a pie, motherfucker.”
“SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!” Peter screamed as he ran away as fast as he could. He made his escape from his restaurant through a window, and was never seen again. Until he was seen again of course, but it wasn't for a while.
“Hooray, Dobby is saved!” Dobby cheered before Mr McGregor stepped on his balls while exiting the building.
Dobby laid on the floor, pained but glad that the torture was over, at least for now. “Dobby can continue working here and making lots of money, so Dobby might be able to buy his balls some protection soon!” He mused to himself.
“About that.” Fred interrupted. “The boss says you're fired for being cock and ball tortured on the job. Also you owe him a billion trillion dollars now.”
Dobby gaped and tried not to shit himself out of anger. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
Dobby was never the same again.

**End Dobby’s flashback**