Baljeet Tjinder
“Phew! Isabelle gave your balls a proper thrashing, didn't she?” Harry puffed at Dobby while the two of them ran away from the army of sexual degenerates.
“I'd say she did!” Goku, who was also fleeing from the deviants, commented. “Please tell me that the portal back to the pizzeria works as fast as instant transmission, which I could use right now but it wouldn't be as dramatic as a big chase scene!”
Dobby kept running, but could still talk to Goku even if he was mostly concentrating on not being caught and sexually assaulted. “Dobby hopes it does, we're almost there!”
“You'll never escape Fetish Land!” The Pregnancy Fairy shrieked as she tried to flatten the gang’s toes with her gigantic pregnant belly, only to be blasted away by an Expelliarmus from Harry.
“Oh yes we will!” The young wizard retorted as he put on sunglasses and adapted an Austrian accent. “Hasta la vista, preggo!” Then he grabbed Dobby and Goku by their asses, but not in a sexual way, and dived into the swirling blue portal, but not before his hand did a thumbs up as it sunk into the warpy swirling thing. He closed his eyes, not daring to open them in case he saw any more of Fetish Land, until Dobby spoke up.
“Master Potter, you've saved us! We're back in the pizzeria!” Dobby cheered. “Thank goodness it's over!”
“Thanks, Harry! You've really saved our bacon!” Goku said, but his face turned into a disappointed one when he looked to his right. “Hey! Those guys stole our table!”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were now using the table near the broken cum-stained window that the trio had been sitting at up until now. The turtles had at least placed their food and drinks nearby so it wasn’t that bad, but still, it was a pretty un-cowabunga move.
“Oh well, Dobby supposes we’ll have to move to another table.” Dobby shrugged, then led his friends to a new table near Pirate’s Cove, where Foxy had been hanging out before he temporarily joined Dobby and Harry. Dobby briefly reminisced of those times, which eventually led to Foxy going into labour and being taken to a hospital by Superman so he could safely give birth to DaBaby, while he set his Diet Coke and pizza down. “Dobby supposes you'll want to hear who tortured his balls next, Sirs?”
Harry nodded enthusiastically. “Of course we do, Dobby, old boy!”
Goku nodded too, eager for another thrilling tale of terrific testicular torture.
“Well you're not going to believe this, but the next person to hound Dobby’s family jewels was none other than Baljeet Tjinder!”
There was a moment of awe stricken silence as Harry and Goku struggled to comprehend what Dobby had said. Dobby had really lived through an encounter with such an individual as Baljeet?
Harry and Goku were so surprised that they both aggressively shat themselves until they were both sitting on towers of poop contained by their pants and screaming “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
“Hot diggity dog!” Harry gasped as his ass squished against his mountainous turd. “I can't believe you got your balls tortured by international terrorist, Baljeet Tjinder, and survived to tell the tale!”
“This one's gonna be good!” Goku squealed while rubbing his hands together with glee.
Dobby smiled as he began to tell his next story to his eager audience. “It all began like this…”
**Begin flashback**
Times had changed since those shenanigans Dobby had had to put up with when he met Isabelle yesterday. He was now in Equestria, with a special job to do. Fred and George Weasley had made Dobby an account on Hire-A-Bodyguard.Com without telling him, the account had gotten more attention than expected, and now he had to protect the United States’ Vice President, Minnie Mouse, from any ruffians who tried to attack her during the Super Important Global Political Meeting Thingy which was happening today.
Up until three years ago, Equestria had been at war with both Wakanda and Latveria, so it was important that the Thingy was being hosted here so that everyone would see how great peace was and that pony lives mattered. Dr Doom, Black Panther, Queen Elizabeth II, Princess Celestia, Vladimir Putin, Aquaman, and all the other world leaders were here today, except for Joe Biden who had a very sore tummy and could not make it, so Minnie was covering for him instead.
Dobby was wearing a nice tuxedo and had been given a pistol, so he made sure to look like he meant business and was a badass while guarding Minnie, but he wasn't fooling anyone when he was a foot shorter than his employer.
“Dobby isn't sure this is the right job for him.” Dobby sighed as the one hundred thousandth person to laugh at him today passed by.
“Don't worry, Dobby!” Minnie cheerfully reassured the smartly dressed elf just before the Thingy began. “I'm not dead, so you must be doing your job right!”
A big fat furby walked up to a stand in the centre of the auditorium all the important people were sitting at and spoke into a microphone. “Hello everyone, I'm Fred Furby and I welcome all of you to the twenty fifth annual Super Important Global Political Meeting Thingy, where each year all the leaders of the world act like they're going to do something about a problem the world is facing, but actually end up doing nothing at all. Who would like to pretend their country is changing for the better but is actually just as bad as it always was first?”
Both Putin and Xi Jinping raised their hands, but they let their good friend Kim Jong Un go first because they knew his lies would be so blatant that theirs would look believable by comparison.
“Thank you.” Kim said. “I would just like to start by expressing my gratitude to everyone who invited me to this meeting, even though I have no right to be here because my country is an oppressive cesspool and I am a terrible person.”
Everyone in the building clapped, even though they and everyone else on the planet wished Kim Jong Un would be hit on the head by a really big raisin and stop being alive so he would finally cease being such a pain in the ass for the whole world. Kim was just about to start a speech about how he totally wasn't evil and totally respected South Korea, but then there was a big smashing of the glass ceiling above.
“Ah ha! Phineas and Ferb, I am forcefully entering Princess Celestia’s castle so I can kidnap Minnie Mouse and hold her hostage!” A short Indian boy laughed as he landed in the middle of the auditorium, right on top of Fred Furby.
Fred was very scared because he knew who the boy who stomped on his butt was. “Oh no! It's Baljeet Tjinder, leader of the world’s most dangerous terrorist organisation, Baljeet’s Squad! AAAH!”
“I say!” Queen Elizabeth gasped. “I believe we need to do something about this situation!”
All of the other world leaders laughed at what she had said.
“Do something? Ha! You make it sound like we were put in power because people thought we'd be competent at our jobs!” Jair Bolsonaro sniggered from across the room.
Dr Doom was also laughing heavily. “What do we look like, good natured people?”
“Also we can't fight these terrorists because friendship magic sparkle pony fart sprinkle friendship.” Princess Celestia said.
Aquaman would have done something, but he had dried up in the hot Equestrian sun and died. Black Panther could not help either, he had fallen asleep and could not be woken up, even with all the loud noises around him. Like the old Wakandan saying goes, ‘When one goes to sleep, one ceases to be awake.’
The Queen was not amused. She got out a jetpack and strapped it on. “Come along, Charles. We are leaving.” She said to her son.
“Yes, Mummy.” Prince Charles sighed as he got out his own jetpack, which was a more environmentally sustainable design than his mother’s, and flew off with Elizabeth.
Meanwhile, some of Baljeet’s terrorist squad had entered the building and were now surrounding Minnie Mouse.
“Halt!” Dobby squealed at the bad guys and brandished his pistol. “None of you may go any closer to the Vice President, Dobby forbids it!”
“You and what army?” Monterey Jack smirked while he poked Dobby’s crotch with his bare hand. He was working for Baljeet because Baljeet paid him in cheese. Monty grabbed Dobby’s gun, raised it above his head and broke it in half with a single SNAP!
Dobby was about to reply with “The army of the United States of America.” but he could not say that, because Minnie could be such a clumsy ditz sometimes that she had left the US army back at home. What a silly sausage Minnie Mouse was!
Before Dobby knew it, he'd been stripped of his weapon, his wallet, keys, and clothes (except his speedos because the terrorists weren't horny, they were just evil), then dragged off to Baljeet’s top secret base in the middle of White Tail Woods. You could tell it was a secret base because of the huge neon sign that said it was a secret base belonging to Baljeet.
“Oh dear!” Dobby cried. “What is to come of Dobby and the Vice President now?”
“We will keep you in our secret base until the United States military agrees to pay us twelve dollars and nineteen cents!” Baljeet laughed evilly. “Ah ha ha ah ha!”
“YOU MONSTER!” Minnie screamed at Baljeet. “I've heard of all the terrible things you've done, but not even those previous atrocities compare to this heinous act!”
Baljeet had Monty and Captain Crunch tie Minnie to a table, then he walked up to her and licked her elbow like it was an ice cream that wasn't too cold to lick but also wasn't in danger of melting yet. “Soon you shall see how monsterous I can be, Minnie Mouse! Ah ha! Put Dobby in the ball freezing machine, Yosemite Sam!”
“Yessir, Mr Boss Man! Yeehaw!” Yosemite Sam grabbed Dobby and threw him in a big tank that looked a bit like a blender, but instead of yummy fruit there was only a miserable house elf with inevitably suffering balls to be thrown inside.
“Oh no! Mr Tjinder, Sir, please don't freeze Dobby’s balls!” Dobby begged Baljeet as he desperately tried to break out of the machine’s glass walls, but to no avail.
Baljeet laughed, then pulled a lever. Phineas and Ferb were lowered down from the ceiling, they had been strapped to a broken pool table attached to chains and looked less than happy to be here. Baljeet did not care that they weren't happy because he was a bad guy and bad guys aren't very nice to their house guests unless the guests are as evil as them. Baljeet laughed sinisterly again. “Ah ha! Phineas and Ferb, I am going to freeze Dobby’s balls off!”
Phineas squirmed against his constraints. “Don’t you think that's going a little too far?”
“Please do that to us next.” Ferb politely suggested.
Phineas turned his triangular head towards his brother and gave him a funny look. “What the fuck, dude?”
Ferb rolled his eyes like he'd been expecting this. “I've been over this a million times with you, Phineas. Ever since that summer vacation where we did everything we could possibly imagine, there has been nothing left for us to accomplish. Can you think of something we haven't done because we thought it was cool? There is only one thing left to do this summer, to embrace pain and death.”
Phineas knew it was a mistake to let Ferb listen to emo music.
“Silence, Phineas and Ferb! It is time to freeze Dobby’s balls, which is what I will do now at this very moment in time!” Baljeet pushed a button, and just as the air around Dobby’s balls began to get colder, a muscular man flanked by a bunch of other cool boys with guns burst into the secret base. “Rambo, what are you doing here?”
**End flashback**
Harry was utterly dumbfounded at what he had heard. “WHAAAAAAT?! Rambo was there too?”
Goku was so amazed that he pooped in his pants a little more. “Woah mama! This story just keeps getting better!”
“You've only heard half of it so far!” Dobby chuckled as he continued his epic yarn. “The next thing that happened was…”
Before Dobby could say anything else, Porky Pig ran into the pizzeria and hid under the gang’s table. He was naked, but that didn't matter too much because he never wore pants anyway.
“Porky? What are you doing here?” Dobby asked Porky. It had been a while since Chapter 5, so Dobby had no idea what kind of shenanigans could have resulted in Porky Pig being under a table and naked.
“I'm h-h-hi-h-h-hide-h-hi-hide-h-hi- avoiding my girlfriend. I made some less than successful investments in cryptocurrency, and now she wants to kick my b-b-b-b-bu-b-b-bu-b-b-b-b-bu-b- ass!” Porky stutteringly explained. “Don't tell her I'm here!”
Goku gave a thumbs up to the little pig under the table. “Ok, sure!” Goku was such a good person, that even my grandmother thought he was a nice man even if he was Japanese. If you're reading this, hello Grannie!
Then Petunia Pig stomped into the pizzeria. “PORKY, WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GO?” She yelled. “I’M AT MY GODDAMN LIMIT WITH YOU, FOR REAL! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, WHY DID YOU THINK INVESTING OUR LIFE SAVINGS INTO BUGSCOIN WAS A GOOD IDEA?”
Harry looked down at Porky and gave him a strange look. “Bugscoin?” He whispered judgmentally.
Porky had some explaining to do. “It's this new cryptocurrency Bugs Bunny made! He told me that it was totally going to blow all its competitors out of the water, and that it totally wasn't a c-c-c-c-co- scam designed to trick me into giving him money to spend on gambling and condoms for his super se-s-s-sex-se-se-s-sex-s- hot girlfriend!”
“Woah, cool!” Harry exclaimed. “I'd better make my own investment then!”
Porky continued to tremble in fear under the table, until Petunia lifted it up while searching for him.
“Uh oh!” Goku squealed, already foreseeing a grade A ass kicking for the pig.
“FOUND YOU!” Petunia bellowed. She was so angry that she shoved a Lego Death Star up Porky’s butthole in front of everyone in the pizzeria.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” Porky shrieked as the Death Star disappeared into his ass before Petunia grabbed his buttocks and slammed them together so that it was crushed up inside him and the Lego bricks got stuck up his sphincter. The pain was so intense that Porky busted the biggest nut he had ever bust in his life, which was so powerful that it launched him out of the pizzeria. Petunia quickly chased after him, even if she kept slipping in the massive trail of cum.
“Kill me.” Said Squidward, who was now covered in semen from head to toe. He still swallowed it all because he didn't want the floor to get dirty.
Harry was too distracted to notice. “Hooray! My most recent investment just bagged me minus ten dollars!”
“Well, that settles that!” Goku said. “On with the story, Dobby!”
“Ok, Sirs! As you wish!”
**Bein flashback**
“I'm here to stop you, Baljeet!” Rambo announced as he and his equally shirtless accomplices swaggered into the terrorist hideout. “Kidnapping women and house elves is not very nice, so I'm going to make sure you regret it!”
“Hooray! Dobby is saved!” Dobby cheered. He was so happy to finally be liberated from inevitable ball tortured, especially since the air around his nuts was getting pretty chilly.
“Shh! No talking during the dramatic confrontation.” Yosemite Sam scolded the little elf. None of the good guys were trying to save Dobby, because they didn't want to miss any of the drama.
“Regret? Ha!” Baljeet laughed. “Baljeet Tjinder laughs at regret and pisses in its cheerios! It is you who will regret coming here, Rambo. You should have given up being a hero after our last encounter.”
The American soldier cracked his knuckles determinedly. “Enough words! It's time we settle our very well established rivalry that everyone knows about and none of the readers could possibly be confused by.”
“I agree, old friend.” Baljeet said as he stepped towards Rambo. “It's time… to settle the score!”
“Ok, how the fuck do you play this game again?”
“I'm not sure, the rule book was very complicated.”
“Can we play another game?”
Baljeet and Rambo had been playing Snap for thirty five minutes now. They'd reached a stalemate because both of them kept forgetting to say “Snap!” when their cards matched. It was so intense that everyone had forgotten that Dobby still needed to be saved from the ball freezing machine.
“YOOOOWOOWEEWAGAAH!” Dobby moaned as massive icicles crackled around his testicles. The tank was so cold that a bunch of penguins had spawned inside it, and some of them were slapping Dobby’s balls with their flippers, adding insult to injury.
“In an extraordinary display of strength and stamina, the male penguins slap the house elf’s frozen genitals to impress the females of the colony. The male who hits the elf’s balls the hardest will gain butt-sniffing privileges from the females, while all the other males will go home and jerk off to PenguinHub videos like the miserable virgins they are.” David Attenborough, who was also there, commented on the stunning natural phenomena that was occuring in the machine. He didn't help Dobby either, because he didn't want to disrupt the natural order.
Meanwhile, Baljeet tossed his pack of cards away in frustration. “Forget it, this is way too hard! Phineas and Ferb, do you know a game better suited to be the epic conclusion to our long-standing rivalry?”
Ferb shook his head, but did not talk because he was trying to kill himself by not breathing.
“I dunno, Rock Paper Scissors?” Phineas suggested while continuing to struggle in his chains.
“How do you play it?” Rambo asked, visibly in awe of Phineas’s gaming knowledge.
“Well, you, uh…” As Phineas explained the rules of Rock Paper Scissors to Rambo and Baljeet, Dobby’s balls continued to get colder.
“GAHAWAHOOGAMOO!” Dobby screamed because it was so frosty that the penguins had left, but a yeti had entered the ball freezing machine and was now aggressively slapping its dick against Dobby’s frozen balls.
“The male yeti bashes its penis against the house elf’s balls, in an astonishing moment of determination. It isn't doing this for any reason in particular, it just really wanted to for some reason. I'm scared that this magnificent creature may try to do the same thing to me, so I'm getting the fuck out of here.” David Attenborough calmly said, before running away with the rest of his filming crew.
“WILL SOMEONE PLEASE HELP DOBBY?!”
“Be quiet, Dobby!” Minnie Mouse shouted at her suffering bodyguard. “You're interrupting the climax!”
But just before Baljeet and Rambo could finish their thrilling Rock Paper Scissors duel, who should arrive by smashing through the wall nearest to Dobby but Captain United Nations!
Captain United Nations gave a heroic chuckle as he admired the hole he'd left in the wall, ignored Dobby completely, then pointed directly at Baljeet so forcefully that nothing else happened. "You'd better stop this terrorism baloney right now, Mr! Or I'll be forced to use the awesome power of sanctions!"
"NOOO! NOT SANCTIONS!" Baljeet and his squad ran away as fast as their legs could carry them. They would have no choice but to come back in half an hour and do the exact same things they were doing beforehand.
Rambo got off the floor and stood up straight in front of Captain UN with an embarrassed look on his face. "Aw geez Cap, I'm sorry. I guess I forgot that the proper response to international threats isn't trying to deal with the problem head on. It's mild finger wagging and twiddling your thumbs on the sidelines that saves the day!"
The Captain gave Rambo a reassuring pat on the head. "Don't worry, Rambo, you'll get it right some other time!" Then he flew away with the overwhelming speed of a rotten grapefruit. "CAPTAIN UNITED NATIONS AWAAAAAAAAY!!"
“Wow, what a hero!” Minnie swooned. “I would very much like him to eat Pringles and shove his presumably gigantic penis up my left nostril while Mickey watches.”
“He really is the best of the best.” Rambo nodded as he untied Minnie, Phineas, and Ferb. Ferb grabbed Rambo’s gun and shot himself in the face, but it didn't kill him because of that one day during the summer holidays when Phineas and Ferb became indestructible cyborgs and Candace almost caught them in the act.
Wait! What about Dobby?! Dobby wailed from within his icy prison, but it was so cold in there that his quotation marks had frozen off and nobody could tell if he had said anything, or if the author was narrating his inner thoughts. The last thing the very cold house elf saw was Rambo and the other hostages leaving without him, before he was just too damn cold to stay awake.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**