Gordon Ramsay
“Oh my God! Sounds like Toriel really went to town on your testicles!” Harry squealed.
“Quite right, Master Potter, she did!” Dobby agreed as he clutched his trembling balls tenderly to remind them they weren’t in danger anymore.
Goku clapped his hands and cheered loudly. “Hooray! Next chapter! Next chapter!”
“How could Dobby refuse you, Goku?” Dobby grinned at his big muscular friend. “Very well! The next chapter of the ordeal of Dobby’s balls began when Dobby met Gordon Ramsay!”
Harry grabbed his wand and started shooting a bunch of magical sparks everywhere, while Goku was so excited that he turned Super Saiyan 2, which generated hurricane force winds that were so strong they pushed Qui-Gon Jinn right into an active deep-fryer, killing him in a very slow and painful way. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” Goku roared as he stood up so fast that he demolished his chair.
Harry had drilled a sizable hole into the ceiling above him, but he kept blasting his wand anyway. “Wow! You got your balls butchered by Gordon Ramsay, the angriest chef in the universe! That’s amazing!”
Dobby nodded. “Oh, it was amazing alright, amazingly painful! It started like this…”
**Begin flashback**
Dobby awoke from the coma the nuking of the Underground had put him in to find himself in almost pitch black darkness. The only thing he could see next to him was a box of tomatoes, so he assumed he was in some kind of cupboard. But just when he was beginning to get comfortable with his new surroundings, a tough hand grabbed him by the ass cheeks and roughly pulled him out of the dark.
“HELLO AND FUCK YOU, I’M GORDON FUCKING RAMSAY, AND THIS IS THE GORDON RAMSAY COOKS SHIT AND SCREAMS A LOT SHOW!” Gordon Ramsey bellowed as he angrily swung Dobby around in his shiny kitchen in front of a terrified cameraman. “TODAY, WE’LL BE COOKING MY ABSOLUTE LEAST FAVOURITE DISH, HOUSE ELF TESTICLE SOUP!”
“What? House elf testicle soup?! What are you doing to Dobby?!” Dobby frantically gasped as he tried to release himself in vain. He then noticed how everyone involved in the filming of this apparent cooking show looked really scared and on the verge of tears, so wisely decided to shut up for now.
“THE FIRST INGREDIENT YOU NEED, IF YOU BRAIN DEAD NEANDERTHALS HAVEN’T FIGURED IT OUT ALREADY, IS A HOUSE ELF WHO HAS BALLS! LIKE THIS USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!” Gordon slammed Dobby against the table a few times, then brandished him right in front of the camera. “LOOK HOW UGLY AND CRAP HE IS!”
“Help!” Dobby squealed into the camera, before being pulled back to the kitchen table.
“THE FIRST THING WE DO WITH THIS GOOD FOR NOTHING WANKER IS SO SIMPLE, EVEN YOU BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS AT HOME COULD DO IT!” Gordon menacingly rolled his sleeves up, cracked his knuckles and got out a sledgehammer. “TENDERISE THE MEAT!”
“Wait, wait! Don't tenderise Dobby’s balls, have mercy!” Dobby cried, so terrified that he couldn't run away even if he wasn't being held by the chef anymore.
“MERCY IS FOR BAD COOKING!” Gordon yelled before bringing down the hammer.
“GAAAAAHWAAAGEEEWAWEELALALALALAAAHA!!” Dobby shrieked as his balls were bashed by the large blunt tool over and over again. He felt like he was going to die before every strike, yet God was cruel enough to keep him going for even more torture.
When it was finally over, Gordon punched Dobby in the nuts for good measure, then yelled at the director for thirty eight minutes.
**End flashback**
Harry shuddered. He had so many goosebumps that R. L. Stine was about to sue him for copyright infringement. “Yikes! I wouldn't want to get on Mr Ramsay's bad side!”
“Oh man, I've eaten his food before and it was amazing!” Goku passionately mused. “Just thinking about it makes my tummy rumble!”
In order to prove that Goku wasn't lying, his stomach rumbled so hard that it caused a major earthquake in Taiwan. Such was the power of super saiyan two.
“Dobby doesn't mind sharing his pizza with you if you're feeling hungry, Master Goku.” Dobby generously offered the martial artist. But before Goku could thank Dobby, Donald Trump and Ben Shapiro burst into the pizzeria.
Donald Trump surveyed his surroundings, making sure everyone was aware of his presence, then made an announcement. “Ahem! Since I lost the extremely rigged 2020 election a while ago and have finally realised that I am most likely not ever regaining my rightful position as president of the United States of America, I have decided that there is only one solution to my plight, which Mr Shapiro over here sees too.”
Ben Shapiro tossed a boom box onto the floor and turned it on, causing the American national anthem to play. A devilish grin flashed across his little weasel looking face. “We twerk to own the libs.”
Then Trump and Shapiro began aggressively twerking, their movements not matching up with the rhythm at all, their ass cheeks clapping loudly.
“No! Stop this right now!” Thanos screamed. This display of butts was triggering the PTSD he had gotten from the time Ant-Man pranked him by shrinking, climbing into his asshole and slowly growing bigger until he dropped the Infinity Gauntlet right in front of Big Tyrone.
“My eyes!” Squidward, who just so happened to be eating here too, wailed as his retinas burst into flames and exploded at the sight.
“Cut it out, we're mostly centrists over here! And there are children here too!” Vector the crocodile, who was also the manager of Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, shouted at the two right-wingers.
“Is that our problem, chucklenuts?” Trump smirked, before jumping straight into Vector, grabbing the crocodile’s head with his ass cheeks and farting really loudly. The smell was so bad that Vector threw up all over Donald’s expensive pants, so he tossed Vector into the restaurant’s kitchen so forcefully that he would remain unconscious until Chapter Twenty.
“Mr Shapiro, why are you doing this?” A little girl confusedly asked Shapiro as he continued his disgusting dance.
“Let's say, hypothetically, that you are a female who questions me. Females must not question the alpha male that I obviously am, so I am hypothetically going to kill you, but I will also literally kill you, like this.” Then Shapiro took a break from twerking so he could duct tape the little girl to a intercontinental ballistic missile and launch it at Iran. The government of Iran were too busy shitting their pants over women showing a nanometer of skin and gay people existing to notice.
“I know we've just been bombed and are going to die, but have you seen those gay people! How dare they exist!” Ali Khamenei complained, moments before being flattened by the roof of his violently collapsing office.
Goku bravely stood up and powered up to super saiyan three. “This is getting out of hand, I'm going to put a stop to this madness! Who's with me?”
Harry readied his wand. “We're right with you, Goku!”
Dobby didn't really know how well he'd do in a fight with Ben Shapiro and Donald Trump, but he cracked his knuckles determinedly. “That's right, Sir! Let's do this.”
“I'm going to build a wall and the chipmunks are going to pay for it!” Trump shouted as he continued to twerk on the libs. “That's what they get for saying I have small hands and Obamacare was a good idea!”
“OH SHIT, HE’S ONTO US! SCATTER!” Alvin, Simon, and Theodore yelled before running away. The chipettes were too busy selling pictures of their feet on Onlyfans to hear, so Trump shot them with his handy dandy chipmunk money draining beam and laughed maniacally.
“Facts don't care about your feelings. The facts say that you are ugly and support the right of abortion, which means that your picnic basket stealing operation will inevitably fail and Cindy Bear will leave you. I agree with the facts, because I am Ben Shapiro and I am always right.” Shapiro cruelly barked at Yogi Bear.
“BAWWWWW!” Yogi tearfully wailed. He had been so utterly destroyed by facts and logic that he peed himself and had a fatal heart attack. Booboo didn't mind too much, because he now had Yogi’s crack stash all for himself.
Just when things looked like they were going to get even worse, Harry stepped in with his friends. “You've gone far enough, Donald Trump and Ben Shapiro! Either you two leave the pizzeria, or we'll make sure you leave this mortal coil!”
“You’re only getting one warning.” Said Goku. “Now go away so my friend can tell me more about how a celebrity chef hurt his testicles, or else!”
“Yeah, you'd better start packing!” Dobby felt a lot more confident than usual with a virtually indestructible fighter and the chosen one of the wizard world by his side.
Shapiro looked to Trump for approval, then loaded a pistol. “Bring it on, milk drinkers. Prepare to be annihilated in the free marketplace of ideas, libtards!”
Ben would have said more, but Goku had already disintegrated him and most of the entrance to the pizzeria by a kamehameha.
“Y’see, this sucks because Goku is an immigrant from space and he just killed my good friend, Ben Shapiro. Clearly Planet Vegeta isn't sending its best!” Donald would have also said more, but Harry cast bombarda maxima on him and now he was too blown up to talk.
Dobby would have helped out in the very short fight, but he was too distracted by a floating pair of ghost titties that came out of nowhere, then disappeared. “AWOOOOGAH!”
Everyone cheered and clapped as the three heroes returned to their table. Customers and employees alike tossed flowers, chocolate, underwear, and second-hand copies of Putt-Putt Joins the Parade their way as signs of gratitude for defeating such loathsome evil.
“Now that that’s over with, why don't we get back to your story, Dobby?” Harry asked his little house elf buddy.
Dobby took a small bite of pizza, while Goku took an even larger slice from his plate. “Ok, Sirs! So as Dobby was saying…”
**Begin flashback**
“NOW THAT WE HAVE PROPERLY TENDERISED THIS STUPID LITTLE HOUSE ELF’S BALLS, IT’S TIME FOR THE NEXT STEP, IF YOU SLOW-MINDED SONS OF BITCHES CAN KEEP THE FUCK UP!” Gordon Ramsay roared at the top of lungs.
Dobby was sure he would die soon, until Matilda Ramsay showed up.
“Hi, dad!” Matilda waved sweetly at her father. “What are you doing?”
“Oh, hello my darling daughter!” Gordon merrily waved back, his attitude changing in the blink of an eye. “I’m just in the middle of making some delicious house elf testicle soup!”
“Matilda! Help!” Dobby called to Matilda, but she didn’t listen.
“Oh boy! House elf testicle soup! That’s my favourite soup, except for tomato soup, chicken soup, vegetable soup, and every other soup in the world!” The young woman giggled.
Gordon turned back to the camera, and gave it a charming grin. “Now then, before I get started, I’m going to have to warn all of you at home. You’ve got to be careful when handling boiling water, it’ll seriously hurt if you spill some on yourself! Make sure you wear oven gloves and don’t move too quickly, I certainly wouldn’t want any of you lovely people to accidentally burn yourselves!”
“No, that wouldn’t be good.” Matilda nodded, then began walking back to the kitchen’s exit. “Bye, Dad!”
“Bye bye, see you soon!” Gordon said. As soon as the door was shut, bolts of lightning shot out of his eyes and steam poured out of his ears. “ALRIGHT, WHERE THE FUCK WAS I?! OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, SUBMERGING THIS PATHETIC LOSER’S FUCKING MINISCULE BALLS IN BOILING WATER! GET IN THE WATER, YOU PENCIL DICK MOTHERFUCKER! I’M ASHAMED TO ADMIT I ACTUALLY PAID FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY MONEY FOR YOUR UNCONSCIOUS BODY!” Gordon screamed at Dobby.
“Ok, ok! Dobby will get in, just please don’t shout at Dobby!” Dobby sobbed as he climbed into a big stock pot full of water that Gordon had been heating at one hundred celsius. He soon realised his mistake. “HOOOOOOOOEWAHOOGAHOHOHAAAAAAAARAAAAAGHAH!!” He squealed. His nuts were severely scalded in the pot, he was so stressed out that he did a massive fart, which ended up splashing a bunch of the water all over his body. “AAAAAAARGH!!”
Gordon was very annoyed by the shrill screams of pain that assaulted his ears, so he bashed Dobby over the head with a rolling pin. “IT’S NOT THAT BAD, YOU FUCKING PUSSY!”
Dobby groaned in despair as he clenched the edges of the pot. “MAKE IT STOP!”
“YOU’VE HAVE TO WAIT THIRTY MORE SECONDS, YOU SHRIMPY LITTLE CUCK! I’D RATHER SLIT MY THROAT THAN UNDERCOOK THIS SHIT!”
Dobby tried to wait patiently, but it was really hard when his balls were constantly getting hotter and hotter, his upper torso was being scalded, and a fresh bruise was throbbing on top of his poor little house elf skull. “Oh dear! Dobby’s reaching his limit, SIIIIIIR!!
But seconds before Dobby was about to faint, the thirty seconds were over. Gordon grabbed the pot, pulled it off the stove, and poured the testicle flavoured water into a bowl. He took a spoon out, scooped up a little of the soup, gave it a sip and immediately spat it out directly into Dobby’s gaping mouth. He accidentally swallowed.
“IT TASTES LIKE SHIT! THERE YOU FUCKING HAVE IT, RETARDS, HOUSE ELF TESTICLE SOUP! NOW YOU ABOMINATIONS ALSO KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS DISGUSTING SWILL, AND WILL NO DOUBT IRREVOCABLY DISAPPOINT ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND LOVED ONES IF YOU EVER TRY TO REPLICATE THIS GODFORSAKEN RECIPE! JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHEN I SHOVE JAMES CORDEN IN AN OVEN AND LAUGH AS HE BURNS TO DEATH!” Gordon shouted, before the cameraman finally lost it, had an emotional breakdown and dropped his camera, which Gordon screamed at him about over the course of thirty eight hours. Within those thirty eight hours, Dobby, although in great pain, was able to finally hoist himself out of the pot. He quickly escaped the kitchen studio, only to find himself in a quaint little village, full of cute talking animals.
“Where on Earth is Dobby this time?” Dobby asked himself out loud. Just before he could decipher any hint of where he was, his balls were run over by a speeding taxi and he fainted.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**