Ginny Weasley
“Holy crap! Thomas really put the pain in train with your balls!” Harry wheezed.
Foxy was so amazed by the house elf’s latest story that he dabbed. “Yar har! I can’t wait to hear what happened next!”
Harry excitedly got out his phone and opened Skype. “I’m going to call Ron so he can hear the next story!”
Dobby smiled at his friends’ enthusiasm but then seemed to realise something that made him hesitate. “Oh. Master Potter, Dobby isn’t sure you’d want to do that.”
“Why not?” Harry had already gotten Ron Weasley on a call. “Go on, tell us who torture your balls next! Nice and loud for Ron!”
Dobby sighed, and loudly proclaimed “The next person to cause Dobby’s balls pain, indirectly Dobby must say, was… Ginny Weasley!”
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Harry yelled.
“HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH??” Foxy gasped.
“WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK?!” Ron screamed so loudly that Harry’s phone exploded, ending the transmission.
“Ginny Weasley, Ron’s sister and my ex-girlfriend, is responsible for your balls being bashed! That’s incredible!” Harry cheered. “I’ve got to hear about this one!”
“Alright then, I suppose Dobby had better get on with it…”
**Begin flashback**
After getting his testicles pummeled once again because of Thomas the Tank Engine and the Fat Controller, Dobby had no choice but to go back to Hogwarts now that his holiday destination had descended into violent anarchy.
He wanted to keep his distance from Dumbledore, who had only craved to squeeze his balls even more after Chapter 1, so Dobby decided that he would sweep around the Quidditch pitch and stay well away from anyone with a beard.
Most people wouldn't like doing the kind of things expected of a house elf at Hogwarts, but Dobby was having a magnificent time. He scrubbed the grass until it turned blue and by the time he was finished with the spectators’ towers, he could see his reflection in the bird poop they were covered in. “Dobby is surely the greatest cleaner in the world!” Dobby said to himself, truly happy for once in his life.
But just as he was about to call it a day, a bludger struck him right in the testicles, taking him completely by surprise. “YOWCH!” Then another one came and hit his junk even harder, and then yet another one after that. “AOOOOWWWRERRROOOHHHGAAAAARRRRMMEEEEEEMEEEEE!!” Dobby wailed frantically as his elven scrotum was mercilessly pummelled by dozens, no, hundreds, maybe thousands of bludgers. Where the hell were they coming from, anyway?
“Hi, Dobby! Practicing some quidditch?” Ginny Weasley asked as she flew down on her broomstick to the agonised house elf.
Dobby went hysterical as what felt like the millionth bludger struck his nuts. “NO, DOBBY IS NOT! DOBBY IS BEING ATTACKED BY THE BLUDGERS, PLEASE HELP!”
“Oh, ok!” Ginny got her wand out and waved it around. “Dous Whateverus Theplotus Requiresus Youtodous!” And with those magic words, all the bludgers silently fell to the ground. Except one that bashed against Dobby’s crotch one last time before becoming inert.
“Thanks.” Dobby groaned.
“No problem!” Ginny pleasantly grinned. “I was looking for you, by the way. I was wondering if you could help me with a little homework, if that's not getting in the way of your janitor stuff of course.”
Dobby looked at his perfectly clean grass and bird poop, then back at the red haired witch. “Ok, Dobby can help you. You did save Dobby’s balls from the bludgers, so it's only fair.”
“Great! Follow me!” Ginny said before flying away with her broom. Dobby sighed and walked all the way to the Gryffindor common room on foot because he was a non-broom-owning cuck who could not fly.
**End flashback**
“OOOOOOOOOH BOY!” Harry squealed in anticipation. “Then what happened?”
“Well, Dobby walked to the common room, and then-”
Suddenly a grey bearded man in an expensive looking suit walked up to the house elf.
“Hello, Dobby, my name is Steven Spielberg. I was wondering if you'd like to have a discussion with me, after you're finished talking to your friends of course. I'm interested in making a movie based on the adventures your balls went through.”
Before Dobby could answer, James Cameron burst into the pizzeria with a shotgun he'd borrowed from the Terminator. “Back off, Spielberg! This box office juggernaut in the making is mine!”
Steven smirked before blowing into a tiny whistle. Seconds later, four velociraptors had surrounded Cameron. “Sorry, James. You've had more than enough billion dollar flicks, and it's about time I had mine.”
“No!” J J Abrams cried as he crashed an X Wing into the ceiling. “I deserve to direct the Dobby movie! My perfect, flawless, totally not shit handling of Star Wars and Star Trek will be nothing compared to what I have in mind for this magnum opus of cinema!”
“That's where you're wrong, bro.” Zack Synder corrected Abrams, having just parked a batmobile outside. “I can tell it's my destiny to do a super grimdark take on Dobby’s story that will flop at the box office. Then I'll make a four hour long director’s cut that’s a hundred times better in every way!”
“Shut up!” Yelled Tim Burton.
Peter Jackson begged to differ. “You shut up!”
“No, you shut up!” Harvey Weinstien cried all the way from the prison showers before he dropped the soap right in front of Big Tyrone.
“There’s only one way to settle this.” Cameron said. “Rap battle!”
All of the famous directors who had assembled at the pizzeria (Weinstien was too busy being anally violated to hear) squeed uncontrollably.
“Yeah! Yeah! Rap battle! We’ll do it in a fancy club!” Burton said in a dark and twisted way that was also highly stylised.
“This will be great to do before I direct Friday Night Funkin’ the movie!” Abrams beeped.
“Yay! Rap battle!” All the film men, except for Weinstein, charged out of the pizzeria and left Dobby and friends to eat their dust.
Dobby, Foxy, and Harry all looked at each other awkwardly.
Then Dobby shrugged nonchalantly. “Anyway…”
**Begin flashback**
“So,” Ginny explained as she and Dobby came into the Gryffindor common room. “I've got this Potions homework that's due tomorrow, it's about making a shrinking solution and documenting its effects on a living being, but nobody wants to be shrunk!”
“WHAAAAAAT?!” Harry Potter screamed in amazement. “Nobody wants to help you with your homework?!”
**End flashback**
Harry did a double take at what Dobby had just told him. “Woah! I was there?”
“You lucky duck, Harry!” Foxy wittily remarked.
“You weren't there for long, Master, but yes. Dobby thinks you were still going to Hogwarts at the time.” Dobby clarified.
Harry fist pumped in rapture as it was confirmed that he had participated in this thrilling chapter of continuous house elf ball torture. “Nice! Carry on, Dobby!”
**Begin flashback**
“Ugh. Do you always have to be so loud, Harry?” Ginny groaned at her then-boyfriend in a long-suffering way.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!!! I’M LOUD?!” Harry screeched so noisily that the room’s wallpaper was torn to shreds by the soundwaves. “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT?!”
“That's it!” Ginny clenched her fists while her ears bled. “I'm breaking up with you!”
Harry was about to scream “WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” again, but was cut off by Hermione Granger eagerly wrapping her arms around him.
“Finally! I've been waiting for this moment!” The half-blood witch drooled as her mind filled with not safe for work thoughts. She kissed Harry passionately, right in front of a less than pleased Ginny.
“Hang on, aren't you supposed to want to shag Ron?” Dobby asked, sensing a deviation from the source material.
“This is a fanfiction, anything goes!” Hermione quickly corrected Dobby. “Come on, Harry, let's get naked and cover ourselves in chocolate pudding, no matter how much that contradicts our canon relationship and personalities!”
“WAHOO!” Harry cheered, before shaking his new ex’s hand. “Thanks, Ginny, it's been nice. But it's about to get a whole lot better with Hermione!” Harry then ran away with his new girlfriend to do the aforementioned lewd activity that will not be further discussed in Dobby’s Amazing Adventures.
But Ginny didn't care that much. “Like I was saying, I need your help with this homework, if you're ok with being shrunk.”
“Alright!” Dobby answered compliantly. “It's not like anything bad could happen to Dobby’s balls because of a little shrinking, right?”
“Of course not! Drink up, Dobby!” Ginny pulled a little bottle of green liquid from absolutely nowhere, and handed it to Dobby, who drank all of it. “Fred and George helped me with the formula, so I'm sure it'll work alright.”
Dobby froze. “WHAT? Fred and George?!” As soon as he thought of the Weasley twins, his balls and nothing else began rapidly shrinking in an extremely painful way. “FREEEEEEEGGGGGGGGOOOOKOOKAAAAGGNNNBGGGEEEEEEEOOOOOOORGGGJJJJJAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWAAAAAH!!” He wailed as his testicles got smaller and smaller, his scrotum stretching unbearably as they reached microscopic levels. Dobby rolled around in agony, cursing the names of Fred and George until they decided to pay him a visit.
“Liking our new Little Bitty Balls potion? Excellent for pranking house elves, as you can see.” George chuckled.
“Did you really think we’d give you the real formula if there was even the slightest chance of pranking Dobby?” Fred tittered at Ginny.
Ginny gasped in confusion. “How did you know Dobby would be drinking the potion?”
“We just knew! Shut up!” Fred and George screamed, expertly hiding the fact that they had been directly speaking to DobbysNumberOneFan and knew exactly what Dobby would be doing for every upcoming chapter.
“HRNNHGGGG! Dobby’s balls!” Dobby moaned as his balls continued to ache in their shrunken form.
Fred shook his head. “Oh, don’t be a baby, Dobby! Having small balls isn’t that bad!”
“YES IT IS!” Dobby shrieked at the pranksters.
“Make Dobby’s balls normal, right now!” Ginny demanded, and surprisingly it worked.
George got out his wand and cried “Engorgio Maximus!”
A smile flickered across Dobby’s face for zero point one two five nanoseconds until he realised that his balls were now becoming massive instead of their normal size, and it really hurt.
“AAAARGH!!”
The pain his balls felt as they ballooned to be bigger than any human in the room was only rivalled by Dobby bumping his head on the ceiling, something he never thought he would do but was assisted in doing by his new testicular height advantage.
“Will you stop being dicks for, like, five minutes?!” Ginny snarled at her brothers, seriously pissed off now.
“Fine. You're no fun, you know!” Fred sighed, then returned Dobby’s balls to normal with a different spell. “Come on, George, let's bounce.”
Fred and George apparated away, leaving only an apologetic girl and a passed out house elf behind.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**