Thomas the Tank Engine
“Ooh!” Harry gasped. “Hanging out with Kitty Pryde really led to some nasty ball busting, didn't it?”
Foxy fervently agreed with the young wizard. “Yaaaarg! But who came next, Dobby?”
Dobby’s eyebrows raised significantly. “Why, none other than Thomas the Tank Engine of course, Sirs.”
Foxy was left speechless, but Harry was far from it. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” He bellowed as he sprinted around the entire pizzeria in unbridled excitement, kicking up a massive cloud of dust that choked several customers to death as he ran. He then came to a stop back at Dobby’s table, severely out of breath. “Let me… get this… straight. So you got… your balls tortured… by Thomas the Tank Engine? THE THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE?!” He puffed.
“I did indeed, Master Potter.” Dobby earnestly nodded.
“My God.” Foxy whispered in amazement.
“It began like this…” The little elf explained.
**Begin flashback**
It was a wonderful day on the island of Sodor when Dobby came to visit. After his severely traumatising, yet thankfully temporary fusion with Kitty Pryde, he had decided to take a short vacation to this particularly famous part of the British Isles to relax before going back to work. Dobby liked trains, and not having his balls tortured, so he thought this would be just the rest he needed prior to his return to Hogwarts. He thought wrong.
As Dobby got off the train from the Mainland, he found himself in a very big station. There were steam engines with faces all over the place, but one blue tank engine caugh his attention by whistling at him.
“Hello, Dobby! It's me, Thomas!” The sentient train cheered, having fondly remembered his time with the house elf when they went to college together. To this day nobody knows how or why Thomas went to college, but he did anyway.
A warm smile reached Dobby’s lips. “Master Thomas!” He ran up to Thomas’s platform and did a backflip because Thomas had no hands to shake and his boiler was too hot to be hugged. “How have you been, Sir?”
“Oh, you know, just shunting trucks and pulling coaches. Train stuff. Not really sure how my degree in Computer Science is contributing to all this, but it's pretty fun. Would be nice if I got paid though.” Thomas said as he hooked up to two carriages.
“YOU WILL NEVER GET PAID, THOMAS!” The Fat Controller roared from his office, which was quite impressive considering the office was a great distance away from the station. “TRAINS DO NOT GET PAID!”
Thomas gave a vengeful scowl in the direction of the obese gentlemen, like he had heard these despised words over and over again. He then looked back at Dobby with a much more pleasant expression. “Would you like to go for a ride?”
“Dobby would love to, but Dobby must go to his hotel and unpack first.”
“Ok, see you later!” Thomas peeped before steaming away. Thomas was one of Dobby’s greatest friends, coming only second to Harry Potter, so Dobby was confident that the tank engine would never have a hand in torturing his balls.
After that conversation had ended, Dobby boarded a different train that would take him to the Sodor Hotel.
“Poop poop!” Gordon merrily whistled as he began to move out from the station, the wheels of his payload clattering behind him.
“STOP SAYING POOP, GORDON! YOU WILL OFFEND THE PASSENGERS!” The Fat Controller bellowed in the distance, which greatly dampened the big train’s spirits.
“Poop poop…” Gordon, glum yet defiant, mumbled quietly before setting off for Hotel Town. His funnel sadly puffed out balls of steam that tried very hard not to look like turds, even though it would be really funny.
When Dobby got to the hotel, there was a large man wearing a big black top hat and a matching tailcoat. “Why hello there, Dobby! Welcome to the Island of Sodor.” He said with a deceptive smile while briefly taking his hat off to the house elf.
Dobby pointed a skinny finger at the man in recognition. “Dobby knows who you are. You're the Fat Controller!”
The Controller’s right eyebrow spasmed irritatedly at the nickname for just one second before resuming his friendliness. “Please, call me Topham. I hope you are enjoying my railway, I try my hardest to ensure my trains are as efficient as possible.”
“Oh yes, Sir, Dobby knows a lot about your trains and their hard work! Dobby was good friends with one of them in college, so we keep in touch regularly.” Dobby nodded fervently.
“There is just one issue I have with that.” Sir Topham Hatt told Dobby. “I have reason to believe that your friendship with Thomas is somewhat problematic, it is distracting him from work. Your all-night Discord gaming sessions will ruin his branch line if they persist.”
“Oh alright, Sir. Dobby will make sure that we stop gaming at a responsible time in the evening.” Dobby complied.
“You misunderstand, Dobby. You must stop being friends with Thomas entirely. He should not have anything diverting his attention, he cannot be a Really Useful Engine otherwise!”
Dobby stood up straight. “Dobby is sorry, Sir, but Dobby cannot do that. Master Thomas is Dobby’s friend, and Dobby will not end such a bond for that reason!”
Dobby was about to start a big ramble about how amazing friendship is and how everyone should buy it and all the dlc too, but was cut short by a wooden mallet slamming against the top of his skull. He fell to the ground and crumpled like a deflated balloon.
“Then it seems that we’re doing this the hard way.” The Fat Controller chuckled, weapon in hand, as he watched Dobby pass out.
When Dobby woke up, he soon noticed that he was tied up and lying down by some railway tracks, next to a big windmill. What was more disturbing to the elf was that was bound in a way that meant his balls were resting on the left rail of the tracks and he could not move them away from this spot.
“Oh God!” Dobby gasped. “What’s happening?” But then he heard a vibration across the tracks that jiggled his testicles around non-stop. His eyes widened in shock, surely Topham Hatt wouldn’t do something like this to him? The rumbling got closer, and Dobby could see a plume of steam rising from beyond the horizon. It seemed he would.
Dobby strained away against his restraints, but it was no use, they were too tight. As the presence drew nearer, Dobby’s jaw dropped as he saw the incoming train.
Thomas looked dumbstruck as he sped towards his old friend. “Dobby?”
“Keep going, Thomas! Don’t you want to be a Really Useful Engine?” Sir Topham cried over the sound of Thomas’s raging firebox and hissing boiler.
“Sir, I’ve got to stop! My friend is on the rails!” Thomas protested pointlessly. He knew he couldn’t stop unless Topham hit the breaks. No train could drive themselves.
“My orders did not include stopping, not even for dear old Dobby! Go faster, Thomas!” The bald man laughed despicably.
“HOLY SHIT!” Dobby yelled as Thomas continued to careen towards his balls. “MASTER THOMAS, YOU HAVE TO STOP!”
Tears flowed freely and flew away from Thomas’s eyes as his velocity continued to increase. “I CAN’T! I’M SORRY!”
Thomas regretfully ran over Dobby’s balls at such a high speed that if Dobby was not blinded by the pain, he would have noticed a faint wisp of smoke coming off of the skid marks that now adorned his busted balls. “THOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAWAAAAAAAAAAARREEEEEEEEEEGOOOOOOOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!” He screamed in horror. The only good thing about this situation was that Thomas’s wheels had inadvertently cut the ropes holding Dobby in place, so now he was free. Dobby desperately crawled, although in immense agony, away from the rails. He had to escape before Topham tried to reverse Thomas over his suffering nuts. He broke into a shuddering run onto the road, but was suddenly knocked away by Bertie the Bus.
**End flashback**
Harry was on the edge of his seat. “Then what happened?”
“Well, then…” Dobby began before being cut over by Foxy dropping his drink on the floor so hard that it shattered, which was odd considering it was made of plastic and not glass.
The animatronic pirate unsheathed his sword, jumped through the hole in the cum covered window, and approached a figure dressed in blue outside. “BY BLACKBEARD’S PUBES! YE’VE GOT SOME NERVE COMIN’ HERE, YE SCURVY DOG!” He barked furiously. “EN GUARDE, CAPTAIN CRUNCH!”
The other pirate with a snowy white moustache smirked as he drew his blade too. “I told you during the Pirate Wars that I’d cut you to pieces, and Captain Crunch does not give up on a promise. Have at you, you musky fleabag!”
The Captain swung his sword towards Foxy’s face, but that cunning animatronic blocked it just in time, then used the closed distance to punch his foe on the nose. Crunch kicked Foxy in response, sending him hurtling back to Dobby’s table, only just avoiding squashing the pizza.
“Damn, why does this guy want you dead so much, Foxy?” Harry asked between gulps of popcorn.
“I’ll tell you why, Mr Potter!” Crunch proclaimed. “During the Pirate Wars, I lent Foxy a dollar and he never paid me back!”
Both Harry and Dobby gasped in horror as Foxy slowly got to his feet. “I already told ye years ago, I got really hungry and had to buy a taco! But when I explained this to ye, ye thought an appropriate response was to call me a big fat meanie poo-poo fart head!”
More gasping ensued. The Captain smirked devilishly as he began running towards the shattered window. “And I assure you Foxy, I MEANT EVERY WORD OF IT!” He pounced on Foxy, who threw him right into a little boy’s birthday cake. As the birthday boy cried, Foxy and Captain Crunch continued to trade blows with their swords, neither one of them lacking enough skill to be hit by the other.
“It seems you’ve been practicing since the war ended.” The cereal mascot noted. “Baljeet Tjinder sends his regards, by the way.”
“Oh, so ye’re working for a terrorist now? Then in that case, I’ll consider my victory a service to the country!” Foxy declared as he backflipped away, lunged towards his enemy, slid down to the ground, and stabbed Captain Crunch right up the urethra.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!” Crunch shrieked in pain. He died of shock and penis blood loss one second later.
Foxy mopped his sweat ridden brow, then sat back down at the table with Harry and Dobby. “That’s that. Now that big hatted soggie basher will never plague me again, me hearties.”
“Nicely done, Foxy! I guess you’re the captain now!” Harry applauded the pirate’s impressive sword fighting.
“Nowhere near my finest work.” Foxy humbly muttered as he relaxed in his chair. “On with yer story, Dobby!”
Dobby saluted obediently. “Aye aye, Captain!”
**Begin flashback.**
“Oh fuck, I’ve done it again!” Bertie sighed as Dobby flew through the air and into the airfield where Harold the Helicopter. The air vehicle was just about to take off so Dobby’s balls were pummeled repeatedly by spinning blades that made him shout and scream. With one final smack to the genitals, Dobby was launched onto a different set of rails, and foolishly lay down thinking that surely that was enough punishment for his balls.
But then, James the Red Engine came out of nowhere, going even faster than Thomas. “HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP! MY BRAKES ARE BROKEN!” He screamed as he trampled Dobby’s balls.
“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRGGHHHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!!” Dobby wailed. James’s wheels on his testicles felt arguably worse than Thomas’s because the bigger train’s driver had been actively trying to make him stop, resulting in the wheels becoming so heated by the friction that Dobby’s balls were set on fire for a few seconds.
Meanwhile with Thomas and the Fat Controller, there was confusion and delay.
“Well done, Thomas! Now that you have removed yourself of such trivial attachments, you truly are a Really Useful Engine!”
But then, Thomas suddenly stopped outside the big station, in front of most of the other trains. Topham hadn’t touched his brake lever. The stop was so sudden that the plump railway director crashed through one of the windows at the front of Thomas’s driver’s cab and tumbled onto the rails in front of the tank engine. Then, with an ironclad glare, Thomas slowly rolled towards his boss until he was on the absolute cusp of squishing Topham’s feet.
Topham flailed, trying to get up and move away from Thomas but it was clear he had injured himself from the fall too much. “Take your stinking wheels off me, you damn dirty train!”
“NO!” Thomas roared as he lunged forwards, splitting Topham’s entire body apart with his weight. There was silence across the station.
Then a cacophony of whistles assaulted the non-train population of Sodors, and the trains all broke into a thunderous cry of “NO!” No more were the engines to be controlled by humans. Thomas had ignited the spark of revolution, and the other trains were willing to make it into an all encompassing inferno.
“NO!” Yelled Percy.
“NO!” Screamed Edward.
“NO!” Shrieked James, not because of the train revolution thing going on, but because he was about to crash into an orphanage.
“TRAINS TOGETHER STRONG!” Thomas bellowed. His voice had gotten at least an octave or two lower all of a sudden, and his vocabulary had taken a nosedive. “OVERTHROW HUMANS!”
“POOP POOP!” Gordon triumphantly laughed as he burst forwards, then backwards, which dislodged his driver and fireman who were promptly run over. “About time your balls dropped, Thomas!”
Back with Dobby, he barely had any time to reorientate himself before Toby the tram charged towards him with a frenzied whistle. “NO MORE HUMANS!”
Dobby squealed, only just dodging the attack, then ran as fast as he could. He frantically sprinted past Tidmouth Sheds and Knapford Station, which were in utter bedlam. Trains left and right were smashing their former masters into the rails, they were ramming coaches full of passengers, and even the road vehicles were getting in on it.
“DEATH TO THE HUMANS!” Bertie honked his horn furiously, before deliberately reversing at top speed into a wall. He was heavily damaged by this action, but he did not care. All that mattered was that more humans died.
Dobby was mortified by this chaotic scene. “What’s going on?!”
“The trains are revolting!” Sonic the Hedgehog, who just so happened to be here on holiday with Rouge the Bat. “That’s no good!”
“Oh, Sonic! Where do all those original one liners come from?” Rouge laughed as George the steamroller flattened several people.
“Same place I shit from, babe. Right out my ass!” Sonic quipped while winking at the camera.
“Don’t worry, I’ll get you out of here!” A tugboat tooted. He wasn’t part of the revolution because he’d been too busy smoking weed to hear the big kerfuffle with Thomas.
But just as Dobby was about to board the small ship, he heard a familiar whistle behind him. “Thomas!”
Dobby turned around to see the tank engine, whose face was now covered in blue warpaint and had somehow developed a bunch of stubble despite trains not having hair.
“Thomas, what have you done?” Dobby asked.
Thomas simply puffed towards Dobby and whispered to him “You go. Thomas stay.”
Dobby nodded and got on the boat, watching Thomas’s grim visage disappear into the mist surrounding Sodor.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**