Sally Acorn
“My goodness! Jordi really threw your nuts a curveball there!” Harry cheered.
“Arr! That he did, matey!” Foxy cried in agreement. “Pray tell, who caused yer wee meatballs harm next, Dobby?”
A smug grin grew across Dobby’s face. “You’d never guess, Sirs. The next person to abuse Dobby’s testicles was of royal heritage!”
“Who? WHO?!” Both wizard and pirate screeched in unity.
“It was Sally Acorn.” The elf proudly admitted.
Harry was so amazed that all his hair, pubic included, stood on end, and Foxy was so shocked that his head spun around and around like the blades of a helicopter until he flew into the ceiling of the pizzeria and knocked a big light loose, crushing the Karen from Chapter Three’s children to death. “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!” Harry screamed. “”You got your balls tortured by Princess Sally Acorn, the leader of the Freedom Fighters?!”
“RATTLE ME RUM, DOBBY!” Foxy roared as his rotating head started to slow down and he fell down back to his seat with a weighty clank. “There be no way that’s possible!”
“It’s true, Sirs! And this is how it happened…”
**Begin flashback**
Today Dobby had decided to go to the Great Forest and see what his friends, the Freedom Fighters, were up to. They were at war with Doctor Eggman because he said that Cuties was a good film that did not need to be censored in any way, and Dobby liked to check on them to see if they had made any progress, which they hadn’t made much of yet because they kept getting distracted by deals at Walmart and sexual tension.
“I’m telling you, dude! I just can’t focus on beating up Eggman! All I wanna do is buy a metric shit-ton of Doritos while they’re fifty percent off, bust a massive load right inside Sally’s fat ass, or do both at the same time!” Sonic complained to Dobby. “She’s such a bitch, why won’t she let me cum on the Doritos and her ass cheeks at the same time?”
“Sonic the Hedgehog, how dare you say such a thing!” Princess Sally Acorn gasped in shock at what her boyfriend had said. “Doritos at Walmart are at least sixty percent off right now!”
Sonic shrugged. “My mistake. But something tells me putting a bunch of furries who are also mostly hormonal teenagers in the middle of the woods without adult supervision may not have been the best idea.”
The red haired chipmunk scoffed at the blue hedgehog’s suggestion. “Yeah right! Dobby, why don’t you go to the bathroom and let us know if there’s any extremely lewd activities going on in there? There won’t be any, because we are a serious resistance movement, and not just a group of coomers!”
“Oh, ok.” Dobby obediently muttered, before scuttling off to the nearest bathroom, which was inside a really big tree.
As soon as Dobby opened the door, he saw Amy Rose sitting on a toilet with a massive vibrator in her hand, who looked quite upset about being interrupted before she could even begin. Dobby couldn’t quite believe his eyes at the sight.
“Um, this isn’t what you think!” Amy said, while covering her exposed crotch with her skirt. “This device helps me pee better!”
The vibrator buzzed even louder and shot out a glob of white liquid to prove her wrong. The house elf who watched this crossed his arms grumpily. “Dobby knows you are a freak, Amy Rose. Especially after what you did to Dobby in Chapter Two!”
“I said I was sorry, Jesus. What are you here for anyway? Did Sonic send you? Has he finally decided to dump Sally, marry me, and endlessly attempt to breed me without knowing I’d be taking birth control pills behind his back the entire time?” Amy hopefully asked the little magical creature.
“Dobby was sent here to see if any degenerates were masturbating in the toilets. Dobby is going back to Sally and Sonic now.” Dobby stated before the alarm went off. This could only mean one thing. Knothole was under attack!
Amy tossed the vibrator aside as it continued to send out volleys of synthetic semen, put her previously discarded underwear back on, and proceeded to the exit. “Quick Dobby, let’s go!”
“It’s Eggman’s robots!” Rotor, a fat purple walrus thing who was also a freedom fighter, exclaimed as he tapped away at a tablet that displayed live feed from security cameras set up at the edges of the Freedom Fighters’ territory. “They’ve got axes, flamethrowers, lemon scented hand sanitizer, and more bullshit, and they’re going to destroy the forest if we don’t stop ‘em!”
“That’s no good!” Sonic quipped. He’d used that line at least four hundred times today, but all his animal friends still clapped and cheered. “We’ve gotta go kick Eggman’s ass!”
“Wow, I really hope we can win against Eggman, y’all!” Bunnie Rabbot, clad in little more than a purple leotard and her cybernetic limbs, cried in her southern accent. “I heard he hates leotards!”
“Yo, for real!” Knuckles boomed. “We boutta pop an ass in his cap!”
“Don’t you mean, ‘pop a cap in his ass’, mon amie?” Antoine D'Coolette corrected the red echidna before he was punched in the face so hard that he entered a coma that would end up lasting twelve weeks.
“I SAID WHAT I SAID, FRENCHIE!” Knuckles bellowed to Antoine’s motionless body. “Now how the fuck are we smokin’ this punk ass nerd and his dumb robots?”
“Same as last time, Knuckles. We get to where the bad guys are, have Sonic do ninety percent of the work, kick ass, go home, and check the Walmart website for updates.” Sally strategized as she adjusted her blue jacket that did not cover her perky chipmunk funbags at all. “And you’re coming with us, Dobby!”
Dobby jumped at the sudden news. “Dobby is?” He asked, slightly startled.
“You sure are, pal!” Said Sonic.
**End flashback**
Foxy stroked his chin with his metal hook hand. “Then what happened?”
Dobby was just about to tell Foxy and Harry when a little boy in rags came up to the table, holding a wooden bowl. “Please, Sir!” He asked Foxy. “I want some more.”
Harry was very confused. “What?”
Oliver Twist gave Harry the most innocent puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen. “More pizza, Sir.”
“MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE?!” Foxy screeched. The animatronic aimed a blow at Oliver's head with his hook; pinioned him in his arm; and shrieked aloud for the beadle.
The board were sitting in solemn conclave, when Foxy rushed into the room in great excitement, and addressing the gentleman in the high chair, said, “Mr Limbkins, I beg your pardon, sir! Oliver Twist has asked for more!” There was a general start. Horror was depicted on every countenance.
“For MORE!” said Mr Limbkins. “Compose yourself, Foxy, and answer me distinctly. Do I understand that he asked for more, after he had eaten the pizza allotted by the dietary?”
“He did, sir.” replied Foxy
“'That boy will be hanged,' said the gentleman in the white waistcoat. “I know that boy will be hung.”
Nobody contraverted the prophetic gentleman's opinion. An animated discussion took place. Oliver was ordered into instant confinement; and a bill was next hour pasted on the outside of the door, offering a reward of five faz tokens to anybody who would take Oliver Twist off the hands of the pizzeria. In other words, five tokens and Oliver Twist were offered to any man or woman who wanted an apprentice to any trade, business, or calling.
After Foxy had sold Oliver Twist off to the local undertaker, he came back to Harry and Dobby’s table. “Sorry about that, I had some business to attend to.” He apologised.
“No problem, Sir.” Dobby waved it off. “Shall Dobby continue now?”
**Begin flashback**
Amy crouched down behind a fallen log with a few more freedom fighters, the hedgehog she was so obsessed with included. “Do you think unprotected butt sex would give us a strategic advantage, Sonic?” She optimistically quizzed.
“Not if it’s with you.” Sonic coldly replied.
“Just stick to the plan and this’ll go great.” Sally whispered.
Doctor Eggman and his army of dumb robots were nearby, chopping down the trees of the Great Forest and threatening to expose Knothole. “Chop faster, my badniks!” Eggman laughed. “This time, Sonic and his equally horny friends will be destroyed!”
“That’s what you think, Baldy Nosehair!” Sonic told the scientist, as he and the Freedom Fighters dramatically jumped out from their hiding places and started fighting the badniks.
Eggman screamed in rage as several furries started destroying his machines in a rude and overtly sexual way. “SHIT! ANOTHER AMBUSH!! All units, open fire!”
Dobby was unexpectedly grabbed from behind by Sally. “I’m sorry, Dobby, but the Kingdom of Acorn can’t lose its princess yet!” She explained before charging into battle, using Dobby as a human, or rather, house elf shield. Some of the swatbots started shooting at her, but instead of hitting the chipmunk, all of their lasers and bullets collided with Dobby’s balls.
“UNNGABUUUUUNGAAAAAAGOOOBAAAGOOOOOOH!!” Dobby screamed as his balls were rapidly sizzled with red hot laser beams, and hit with bullets launched from high calibre firearms. A few of the bullets ricocheted off Dobby’s testicles at enough of an angle to shoot down other robots, which Sally became quite proud of the elf for. “Wow, you didn’t say you were packing a secret weapon, Dobby! If Sonic’s wasn’t at least fifteen times bigger, I’d have to take yours for a little test drive!”
Dobby wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or not, but what Sally had said to him certainly didn’t make the searing pain in his crotch any less unbearable. “MEDIC!” He squealed.
“I DON’T CHUCKLE, MOTHERFUCKLES!” Knuckles barked as he whipped several badniks to pieces with his four headed penis.
“Yeehaw! Get wrecked, butt-bots!” Bunnie cheered. She punched a swatbot’s head clean off with her cybernetic arm, but put too much force into the maneuver, which resulted in her huge rabbit tits to pop right out of her leotard.
“WOAH!” Sonic was so distracted by the suddenly unbound boobies, as well as the 70% discount on Pringles at Walmart that his phone had alerted him to and thoughts about how good a girl with a robotic hand would be at giving handjobs while simultaneously eating Pringles, that he tripped over and came face to face with Eggman in a mech that looked like a giant overweight Italian plumber.
Eggman laughed maniacally. “This is the end for you, Sonic! Once I destroy you with the power of the Egg Wario, I’ll burn this forest to the ground and finally release the fifth part of my Cuties review on YouTube, where I will discuss how Netflix’s advertising of the film was totally justified and was not morally wrong in any way over the course of twelve unedited hours!”
“I’ll never let that happen, you monster! We may be a bunch of sex crazed weirdos, but even we’ve got standards!” Sonic shouted in defiance.
“Launching grenades!” A big robot that looked like a retarded monkey announced as it tossed several primed explosives towards Sally and her shield. She ducked to the ground, and Dobby had no choice but to brace for impact against the grenade that he knew only he would have to endure now.
“AAARGHAAAWEEEEEEWOOOOOOOOGAH!!” Dobby howled as all four grenades violently exploded on his balls, shrouding them in smoke and fire, which Dobby wasn’t expecting.
“Damn, those are napalm grenades!” Sally remarked as she continued to shield herself from the danger. She shot the monkey robot responsible for the bombing until it deactivated, so at least Dobby’s genitals were partially avenged.
“MEDIC!!” Dobby demanded out loud as his balls burnt until they were crispy. He was very glad that the battle was soon over, because Sonic kept hitting the Egg Wario’s obvious weak spot until Eggman cried.
“No, please stop it!” Eggman sobbed. “You win this time, Sonic the Hedgehog! But I’ll be back to defend Cuties one day, I swear!” The scientist swore as he flew away in his Eggmobile, leaving behind all the broken bodies of his robot soldiers.
Back at Knothole, there was lots of celebrating.
“We won! And it’s mostly because of Sonic, but Dobby’s balls helped out too! Three cheers for Dobby’s balls!” Rotor whooped. There was a thunderous round of applause for Dobby, as he was wheeled away on a stretcher.
“Yeah, well done, Dobby! I couldn’t have lived to fight another day without you!” Sally said, clapping enthusiastically.
“So what do we do now?” Sonic asked the princess.
“Oh, I know what we can do now.” Sally replied with a sly grin. “You, me, and Bunnie can go to my hut and we’ll do some ‘special training’ for a couple of hours. Don’t worry, you can go all out against us.”
Sonic’s face turned into a knowing smirk. “Sounds like a plan to me, Sal! What do you say, Bunnie? You and Sally can work on some team attacks against me, I’ll push the princess to her limits, then you and I can do some one on one sparring together. Fair warning, you might have a hard time walking for a few days after you’ve finished the exercises I’ve got in mind for you.”
Bunnie’s face went redder than Knuckles, who was currently drowning while attempting to chug enough vodka to sink the Titanic. “Oh mah stars! Yes!!”
As Dobby heard the air ambulance getting closer, he saw Sally, Bunnie, and Sonic go into Sally’s modest little house. The door slammed shut and was locked, but Dobby could still see Sally’s jacket, Bunnie’s leotard, and Sonic’s sneakers being thrown off in random directions because of the window. Sonic looked out of the window and gave Dobby a cocky thumbs up, before Bunnie quickly pulled him backwards, out of sight, and Sally pulled the curtains shut.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**