Jordi El Niño Polla
“Woah mama!” Harry sighed as if he’d just come off an exhilarating roller coaster. “If it wasn’t for Lola Bunny suggesting you go in that fake basketball, your balls wouldn’t have gone through hell! And I’d have probably been eaten by xenomorphs.”
“Indeed.” Dobby remarked. “Now, the next crushing Dobby’s balls received involved a trio of women and one man you may have heard of before, if you get around on the internet, Sir.”
“Oh my god!” Harry whispered. “Who were the girls?”
“Lena Paul, Piper Perri, and Mia Kahlifa!”
“Am… I supposed to know who they are?” Harry deadpanned at his short house elf pal.
“Maybe not. The man who was the ringleader of sorts calls himself Jordi El Niño Polla.”
Harry was so excited his head turned into a whistle, and he blew it, releasing a steam powered shriek of “WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!”
At the mention of Jordi, the curtain covering the stage at Pirate’s Cove swung open and Foxy charged out, screaming at the top of his robotic lungs. The animatronic fox sprinted to Harry and Dobby’s table, trampling several children in the process, then noisily slammed his hook hand down on it. “JORDI?! DID YE SAY JORDI, YE WEE LANDLUBBER?”
Dobby was a little taken aback by Foxy’s sudden appearance. “Um, yes?”
“AAARG!! I’ve been secretly listenin’ to ye tell yer stories to young Potter, but as soon as I heard that name I knew I had to get closer to hear more! Would ye fine lads be willin’ to let an old sailor man sit with ye and listen to yer merry tales?” Foxy begged the pair.
Harry politely accepted Foxy’s request. “I don’t see why not! Do you Dobby?”
“Not at all, Sir! Take one of the seats and make yourself comfortable, Foxy.” Dobby said.
The animatronic sat down next to Harry. “Thank ye kindly.”
“Now then, Dobby will begin…”
**Begin flashback**
Today was the day of Daffy Duck’s funeral. Since Dobby had been there when Daffy died at Big Ass Sports Stadium, before it got slam dunked into oblivion, and Daffy had stated in his will that he would like Dobby to attend his funeral if this was the case, the house elf had come to the church it was being held at. Daffy’s family was there, and so was most of the Tune Squad, Elmer Fudd excluded for very obvious reasons. Pepe Le Pew and Speedy Gonzales were at the funeral too because Twitter had moved on to ruining some other beloved franchise.
“Arriba, I am so sad. Daffy was a good amigo, senor.” Said Speedy, tipping his black sombrero to Daffy’s parents.
“Oui. Daffy’s passing makes me sad enough to be like ze people who cancelled me, and do nothing except cry on ze internet about things that don’t matter in ze grand scheme of things. No offence, Mr and Mrs Duck.” Pepe remarked after blowing his nose.
Dobby walked over to Daffy’s coffin to find that it was open. There lay Daffy’s body, or what was left of it after Charles Barkley destroyed the stadium he died in. The duck’s head was so irreversibly destroyed that it had to be replaced with a watermelon. To more closely represent Daffy’s head, it had his miraculously unharmed eyeballs and a banana to represent his bill stuck on to it with superglue. Daffy’s eyeballs stared back at Dobby, and the elf felt his testicles tremble a little.
After Daffy was buried, it was time for a eulogy. Daffy’s father couldn’t think of enough words to say about his son, so Bugs handled it instead.
He walked over to Daffy’s grave, with both hands firmly buried in Lola’s cleavage. “Eh, what’s up, Docs?” He rhetorically asked the attendees. “So, I met Daffy a while ago, and he was pretty annoying. I mean, I was a snarky little bitch boy back then, but Daffy made me look like a freakin’ saint! So I knew him for a few years, then he died because he was too slow. Now that he’s buried, I think I’ll go back to Space Las Vegas and try my hand at the slot machines this time, but first I’m going to go to my house which my idiot roommate no longer lives in on account of being dead and I’m gonna bang the shit out of my super hot girlfriend, uninterrupted for once. Thank you. And yes, you have the right to be jealous of me.” And then Bugs and Lola flew away with the power of big titty propulsion. Everyone clapped. Charles couldn’t take it anymore and burst into manly tears that flexed big sad muscles at everyone in the graveyard.
“That was very moving.” Dobby sobbed at Porky.
“Ye-ye-y-y-y-ye-y-y- affirmative. I think I’m going to go and lo-lo-l-l-lo-lo-lo- search for some vintage arcade cabinets for absolutely no reason now.” Porky sniffled emotionally before flying away as well. His girlfriend didn’t have very big boobs, so did not have big titty propulsion power, and she hadn’t attended the funeral so she couldn’t give him a lift. However, Daffy had once said that the day he got his head blasted off by a shotgun in a basketball stadium just before the Tune Squad including Dobby and Charles Barkley played a game against a team of xenomorphs to save the world would be the day pigs fly. This meant that every pig now had the ability to fly.
“I m-m-mu-m-m-m-mu- have to admit, he gave me one hell of a parting gift.” Porky said as he flew through the sky.
Dobby was just about to leave when he saw a skinny young man with black hair approaching him. The man was staring at Dobby’s crotch, which was still only covered by tight speedos. “Hello, I’m Jordi!” The man greeted the house elf with a Spanish accent. “I’ve heard all about you and the rest of the squad during the alien basketball incident, Dobby. It was on the front page of the Daily Bugle, you see, but I didn’t come here to visit you. I came to pay my respects.”
“How did you know Daffy, Sir?” Dobby asked.
“We worked together one time when he was short on money. He was a good friend, a passionate lover, and a real man.”
“Yes, it’s so sad he died so young. Dobby must be going now-“
“Uno momento!” Jordi called to Dobby as he was about to leave. “This may be a less than ideal moment to say so, but I have a proposition. You see, I am an actor working for Brazzers, an adult entertainment company you may have heard of. The director I’m working with right now would be willing to give you a handsome reward if you were to, well…”
“He wants Dobby to star in a porn movie?” Dobby asked, surprised that he of all people would be asked to do such a thing.
Jordi nodded brightly. “Yes, yes! I understand that my line of work is not for everyone, but-“
An interested smile stretched across Dobby’s face. “Dobby will take the job! It’s about time Dobby got laid for once. Dobby trusts he will be working with women?”
“Only the finest, mi amigo.” Jordi grinned back at the elf as the two of them shook hands.
**End flashback**
“Wow, you’re so lucky. I could only ever dream of working with Jordi!” Harry piped up.
“Arr, he’s right, Dobby.” Foxy nodded. “Ye’ve lived a most charmed life!”
“This job offer wasn’t exactly what Dobby was expecting, Sirs. So anyway…” Dobby began to say before he got a notification on his phone. “Oh crumbs.”
Somebody on Twitter with a Steven Universe profile picture was trying to cancel him because he hadn’t made at least two posts on the social media platform that clearly displayed his hatred of Donald Trump and all other straight white men, conventionally attractive actors and serial killers not included.
“SHIVER ME TIMBERS! SOMEONE CANCELLED DOBBY!” Foxy screamed as he looked over Dobby’s shoulder and saw the tweet.
Dobby looked devastated. “Oh dear. Now where will all four of Dobby’s followers get their daily pictures of the mold in Dobby’s living quarters?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll handle this!” Harry asserted before apparating away.
Harry reappeared in the house of the person who made the tweet, which was covered in posters of cringeworthy shipping art and framed pictures of every time Disney put an allegedly gay character in one of their movies.
“HALT!” The devious Twitter user screeched as they emerged from their Twitter cave, draped in a cloak of blue check marks and multicoloured flags. They were angry because Harry had interrupted them during a long day of inserting their own sexuality into characters that had been canonically straight for decades, and doxing anybody who wasn’t politically correct enough for them. “STATE YOUR IDENTITY AND YOUR PRONOUNS IMMEDIATELY!”
Harry straightened his glasses and got into a combative stance. “My name is Harry Potter. My pronouns are he, him, and his. I’ve come to ask you to delete your tweet about Dobby and apologise!”
“NEVER! DOBBY IS A RACIST, SEXIST, TRANSPHOBIC BIGOT WHO DESERVES EVERYTHING HE GETS!” The fat radical feminist hissed. “HE DIDN’T EVEN COMPLAIN WHEN INFINITY TRAIN AND SHE-RA GOT THEIR PLUGS PULLED!!”
“In that case, I’ve only got one more thing to say to you! Take this!” Harry shouted as he very lightly poked the Twitter user. Every bone in their fragile body shattered to pieces and they were permanently driven insane by the sheer amount of toxic masculinity they had been suddenly exposed to.
“Well, that’s that.” Harry said, as he dusted off his hands and hijacked the social justice warrior’s computer. He deleted their inflammatory tweet, and their eighty seven terabyte folder of reasons to hate white people. The teenage wizard then teleported back to the pizzeria and told his two allies about what had happened.
“Well done, Harry!” Foxy cheered. “Dobby’s social media presence is saved! Arrrrg!”
Harry gave the house elf a glowing smile. “You can thank me by continuing the story, Dobby!”
Dobby couldn’t help but oblige. “But of course, Master Potter!”
**Begin flashback**
Jordi had escorted Dobby to the set of the porno, a nice looking modern house that only slightly looked like a Rubik’s cube with windows.
“Ah, welcome back, Jordi!” King K Rool, one of the best porn directors this side of Kongo Bongo Island, said as the human and house elf duo entered. “I see you convinced Dobby to join in, very good.”
“Dobby has been dreaming of a moment like this for his entire life, Sir!” Dobby squeaked, his mouth watering in excitement. “Who will Dobby be working with?”
“Let me get them.” K Rool answered before screaming at the top of his lungs. “GIRLS!!”
As soon as that word had escaped his scaly lips, three conventionally attractive women in skimpy clothing, all in their late twenties, sauntered into the same room. Each of them was pretty famous online, one way or another. Lena Paul was well known for having large mammary glands, Piper Perri had a reputation of playing with big boys, and Mia Khalifa was so good at porning the hub that the illuminati had to mind control everyone to make them think she wasn’t doing porn anymore.
Dobby could hardly contain his excitement. “AWOOOOOOOOGABOINGBOINGAZONGAWOOGAHAHOOOCOOM!!” He bellowed as his shriveled house elf penis expanded to a glorious one and a half inches at the sight of the ladies.
“Ok, so here’s what’s going to happen for this scene.” K Rool told Dobby. “Jordi, Mia, Lena, and Piper already know what to do so your role is to stand by that washing machine over there, don’t resist anything the actors do to you and scream as loudly as you can when they start hitting your junk.”
Dobby’s bulge immediately retreated back into his speedos. “What?”
“We’re trying to branch out, cater to the cock and ball torture freaks on the ‘hub. Jordi’s pickle is too valuable to harm, so I chose you to take the punishment instead.”
Dobby’s jaw dropped as Jordi squeezed Mia’s bottom to his heart’s content. Some guys got all the luck.
“And action!” King K Rool barked as he turned on the IPhone 2 he was filming the porn on.
Dobby stood by a pleasantly clean washing machine, which had a baseball bat leaning against it for ominous reasons, quivering his tiny buttocks off in dread. Not even the sight of Piper Perri, dressed in nothing but two torn up napkins that called themselves a swimsuit, running up to him could alleviate his fear. Piper deliberately tripped on absolutely nothing, and lightly tumbled into the open doorway of the washing machine, but not before punching Dobby’s balls as hard as she could while she fell into it. “Oh no, step-bro! I’m stuck! Please help me!” She called out to an offscreen Jordi as she kicked her legs up and down until her underpants were halfway down her legs.
Next Lena charged in, stopped to kick Dobby’s testicles repeatedly, then tripped over Piper on purpose, which somehow resulted in all her clothes exploding off of her body. “Oh no! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up, step-bro!”
Mia, who was totally naked to begin with, came up to the washing machine, grabbed the baseball bat and then rapidly hammered Dobby’s balls with it. “OOOOOOHHFFFFUUUUUKUUUUKUCKAAAW!!” Dobby screamed in pain as the actress of Arabic descent gave his genitals a merciless beating. Each impact got the elf closer to tears, and when he looked at the kremlin filming this, he wept because he knew he had been well and truly bamboozled. The house elf would get no coochie here, only pain in his balls.
By the time Mia Khalifa had finished hammering Dobby’s nuts, she was breathing heavily and sweating quite a lot. She then took the baseball bat, and shoved it right up her vagina. Dobby’s eyes nearly popped out of their sockets as he watched her take it up there like a champion, only grunting a little as the handle almost disappeared into her crotch. Dobby would have been spectacularly erect because of this, if his balls hadn’t been beaten to a quivering pulp.
“Ngh-! Step-bro, help! There’s a baseball bat stuck up my -ugh- pussy!” Mia groaned as she strained to keep the sports item inside her.
“Don’t worry step-sisters! I’ll save you!” Jordi cried from the top of the stairs he had been watching this scene unfold from. He jumped off the step, and landed directly on Dobby’s balls, flattening them against the cold hard floor. Dobby cried and screamed as Jordi took off his pants and started to ‘help out’ his faux step-siblings. Not because his balls hurt, but because he now knew he would not get to have even a crumb of coochie while he watched another man do lots of the sex right next to him. He did not stop sobbing until Jordi had filled each of the actresses’ mouths, uteruses, and anuses with at least twenty gallons of his own semen.
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**