Dumbledore
It was a pleasant Saturday afternoon when Harry Potter leisurely walked towards Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria. The building was of a modest size, with nearly invisible windows and shiny white walls, but Harry wasn’t here to admire the architecture. He had come here to meet an old friend he has been meaning to reconnect with for quite some time.
He scanned the brightly decorated interior of the building for who he was searching for, as excited children ran past him so they could watch the latest animatronic performance and parents patiently waited for it to be all over. Then a grin formed on Harry’s face as he saw him. “Dobby!”
Harry sprinted towards the house elf, dressed in a smart suit that drastically contrasted with Harry’s more casual attire. “Master Potter!” Dobby cried in joy and gave him a brief hug. “Dobby has missed you very much!”
“I missed you too, Dobby.” Harry said as he took a seat at the table Dobby had booked. It had four very comfy seats that hugged his behind as he sat down. “You have no idea how glad I was when I got that text from you that said you wanted to reconnect.”
“Dobby only wishes he could have told you sooner, Sir. But that’s not important! What about you, Sir? Have you been doing well?” Dobby modestly asked.
“Oh yeah, after I graduated Hogwarts I took a magic gap year. Did a lot of exploring around the world, had some fun. What about you?”
Dobby gulped hesitantly. “Oh… Master Potter, Dobby isn’t sure you’d want to know. It’s a rather long story.”
Harry shrugged indifferently. “That’s fine, Dobby, we’ve got all afternoon! Go on, tell me! What have you been doing since I left Hogwarts?”
“Well, Dobby supposed it all started when Dumbledore… squeezed Dobby’s balls.”
Harry gasped in utter shock, loud enough to be heard by all the other customers in the pizzeria. “WHAAAAAAAAAT?! DUMBLEDORE SQUEEZED YOUR BALLS?!”
“Yes he did.” Dobby whispered, not wishing to draw attention to himself from the strangers that surrounded him.
“H-how did that happen?” The young wizard mopped his brow, which was sweating profusely in anticipation. “You’ve got to tell me!”
“Alright, master, but it’ll take a bit of explaining first.” Dobby sighed, as if he knew he’d have to tell his tale one day.
**Begin flashback**
“So you’re saying that if Dobby wears nothing but speedos for the whole year, you’ll give Dobby a thousand galleons?” Dobby asked, his big eyes sparkling with hope.
“Yeah mate, sure!” George Weasley trustfully smiled as his identical twin, Fred, barely managed to hold an aggressive fit of giggles in. “Might even throw in some muggle money if you’re up to it.”
Dobby’s face lit up like a Christmas tree. This had got to be the easiest, and most plentiful, money that Dobby could ever dream of earning. The quality of the items he could buy with a thousand galleons, a few extra dollars or pounds thrown in too, were nearly incomprehensible to him. “Dobby will do it!”
Both Fred and George laughed and laughed until tears were rolling down their faces. “Hell yeah, Dobby!” Fred guffawed maniacally. “Do it!”
The very next day, Fred and George were eating a delicious breakfast at the Great Hall of Hogwarts. Everything seemed to be going accordingly for a typical day at Britain’s finest school of witchcraft and wizardry, until Dobby walked in, wearing the tightest swimming trunks known to man, house elf, and possibly god as well.
It was so incredibly tight that it was a wonder that his wrinkled yet firm ass cheeks were not completely asphyxiated and that his little house elf testicles had enough room to bounce around freely as he walked.
Upon seeing this sight, Fred fell off his chair, convulsing as if he was having a seizure, and George’s nose let forth an almighty stream of the milk he had been drinking with his toast and scrambled eggs. The two red headed wizards were beside themselves with laughter, screaming to the heavens as they beheld Dobby in his speedos.
“H-H-HOLY F-FUCKING SH-SHIT!!” Fred babbled, barely able to compose himself.
“YOU ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH WITH IT!!” George shrieked before losing himself in a storm of chuckles.
“Of course Dobby went through with it! Dobby is no quitter, sirs!” Dobby asserted, putting his bony hands on his hips. “Dobby will gladly spend a year like this for your prize!”
The twins both hollered and hooted uncontrollably, unable to form proper words, but Dobby interpreted them as “Fuck yes, Dobby! Please spend the year like that!” so Dobby nodded determinedly and marched away from the hall, leaving the twins to bask in the hilarity of the situation.
Dobby ignored the extremely amused howlings of the Weasley twins and decided to aimlessly wander around Hogwarts, one of his favourite activities to do. He walked and walked until he eventually bumped into none other than Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts and owner of a freaking awesome beard.
“Ah, hello Dobby. What brings you here?” Dumbledore casually greeted Dobby. Dobby hadn’t really thought about where he was going, but he’d ended up right in front of Dumbledore’s office.
“Good morning, Master Dumbledore! Dobby was just going for a stroll.” Dobby politely answered.
Dumbledore was about to say something else, when his eyes that had such an intelligent flare inside them wandered down to his little employee’s crotch. He then stared at it fascinatedly for several minutes, not a word escaping his mouth.
“Um, Sir? Is something the matter with Dobby’s attire?”
Dumbledore quickly snapped out of his trance, the gears in his clever old head already turning. “No, no, Dobby! Nothing’s wrong with your clothing. But there is something wrong with your testicles!”
Dobby’s jaw dropped. “Dobby’s testicles?! What’s wrong with them?!” He worriedly wailed. “Should Dobby go to Matron?”
“Absolutely not.” Dumbledore firmly objected. “Come into my office, Dobby. I will easily fix the problem with your balls there.”
Dobby looked up at the elderly professor as if he were the one of the greatest heroes he’d ever known, almost as great as Harry Potter. “Ok, Sir.”
**End flashback**
“No freaking way!” Harry exclaimed, his face ridden with shock and awe. “What happened next?”
“Dobby was just getting to that part.” Dobby stated. “But Dobby thinks we should order something first, or we’ll be very hungry by the time Dobby’s story is over.”
“Oh, of course!” Harry agreed, having been so enthralled in the house elf’s tale that he had briefly forgotten he was inside a restaurant. The young man and the elf dashed off to the bar, which Harry thought was a little weird because this was a kid friendly place, and hastily made their order. A few minutes later, the big pizzas and fizzy drinks had arrived, and Dobby was ready to resume the story.
**Begin flashback**
“You see, Dobby, all magical creatures, wizards included, exude a magical aura. We harness this aura to cast spells, but sometimes it gets clogged in certain areas of the body. In your case, your magic is forming a clot in your testicles that could prove dangerous to you if that magical pressure isn’t relieved.” Dumbledore explained calmly.
Dobby put his hands on his head frantically. “Oh dear, oh dear! How can Dobby relieve the pressure in his testicles?! Please help Dobby, sir!”
“Just let me squeeze your balls. That ought to be enough.” Dumbledore said with a jolly smile stretching across his silver beard that rivalled Santa Claus.
“Oh, alright. Just be gentle, sir…” Dobby begged pathetically as he stepped closer towards the professor.
“I assure you that I will be as gentle as the procedure will allow me to be.” Dumbledore chuckled as his hands, one on each testicle, landed on Dobby’s nutsack. He fondled them tenderly for a bit, then squeezed them as hard as he could. Dobby yelped in confusion as it felt like a vice had just clamped around his genitals.
“Sir. Sir! That’s a little too tight for Dobby!” He wailed in pain.
The wizard increased the strength of his grip. “I apologise, Dobby, but this is a necessary force for squeezing the excess magic out of your balls.”
Dobby muttered a vague agreement with Dumbledore’s words and tried very hard not to squeal. It felt like Dumbledore was going to crush his balls like grapes any second now.
Tighter and tighter the hold on Dobby’s genitals became, and just when Dobby thought he was about to faint, he was released. He sank to the ground, gasping as the air returned to his groin.
With the most devilish grin that Dobby had ever seen, Dumbledore raised a finger to the ceiling. “I’m afraid my hands will not be enough, Dobby. I must use a spell to properly extract the magic.”
Dobby gulped with a horrified expression on his face, but steeled himself anyway. “M-master must d-do what he thinks is n-necessary to cure D-Dobby.” He stuttered as he closed his eyes and tried to think of nice things like puppies, or marshmallows, or a Star Wars reboot that doesn’t suck.
“Constricto!” Dumbledore laughed as he waggled his wands in the direction of Dobby’s balls.
“OOOOOOUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH ARGHHHAAAAGAAAAAHHHHWAWAWAWAWAAAAAAAH!!” Dobby screamed. At first he had just been glad that he did not hear a ‘crucio’ escape Dumbledore’s lips, but that was a different story now. His two bouncy house elf balls seemed to be trying to smash themselves together in the most painful way possible. It was as if the headmaster was trying to pop Dobby’s nuts like two giant pimples. “SIIIIIIRRRRRR!!! PLEASE STOP SQUEEZING DOBBY’S BALLS, SIR!!” He desperately howled.
“Just a little more, Dobby. Then all the excess magic will be gone.” Dumbledore assured him.
Dobby did not answer Dumbledore, because he was too busy screaming in agony as his testicles twisted themselves into intricate knots while the spell fully took effect. The house elf wondered how his balls were even that flexible as he tried his best to remain conscious.
Finally Dumbledore relented, letting Dobby fall to the floor in peace. The elf curled up and quivered at how much his genitals hurt now, while Dumbledore stood over him contentedly. “Well done, Dobby. Well done indeed. I have successfully squeezed all the magic out of your balls, and you were very brave for going through with my procedure.” The old man congratulated him.
“Oh, thank Merlin! It’s over!” Dobby gasped before Dumbledore interrupted him.
“Of course, you will have to come back to my office for a few testicular examinations once in a while. Just to make sure.”
Dobby was never the same again.
**End flashback**