Chapter 13
“Tina, c’mon, wait for me”, Bette begged. She was running behind the blonde through the hallways of the TV studio. The interview they’d just managed to escape from had ended a couple of minutes before, but Tina had managed to get out of it so fast that Bette had to jog to try to follow her closely.
She still found herself in front of the dressing room’s closed door, knocking on it, begging to be let in.
“C’mon baby, let me in. It’s already over. We’ll manage from here.” She pleaded once again, desperate at this point. She could hear Tina’s sobs from inside the room and the idea of not being able to help her at that time was killing her. “Tina, please. I’m sorry for everything, you already know that. We’ll talk it out, and we’ll be okay, please. Please, open the door.”
She could hear the sound of high heels echoing against the floor before she saw the door open up. Tina stood on the other side with a tearful look in her eyes, her orbits red and puffy, her face completely defeated. She looks small, Bette thought, small and defeated.
“I’m so sorry, babe, I had no idea, and I didn’t mean to-” she started, but was immediately interrupted by the other woman.
“It’s not your fault.” Tina stated, her voice broken. “It just stirred something in me that I can’t handle right now.”
“That’s okay” Bette reassured her, getting into the dressing room and closing the door behind her. “Whatever you need now, just tell me. I’ll do anything.” She was very aware of how desperate she sounded, but she couldn’t care less.
“I just…” Tina looked up as if trying to find answers somewhere else, while her eyes filled with tears once again. “I just want to go home. Take me home, Bette.”
-
On the drive to Tina’s house, the silence between them was so thick that Bette felt like she could punch it and hurt her own hand. She was mad worry about the woman by her side, who had already stopped crying but was completely molt, as if the mere thought of forming words was way too exhaustive. She heard, though, her own thoughts, louder than the music playing from the speakers.
Louder than her own, erratic heartbeat.
Bette had been sorry for what had happened thirteen years ago from the moment she had been able to process it. She had been driven by hurt and anger, and was so young that she had no idea how to handle all of that. As time went on, though, she had forgiven herself because she couldn’t live with that heavy regret. She had come to terms with the fact that she had done a stupid and reckless thing, and that she had to move on and be better in the future.
And then Tina Kennard had shown up at the studio of Dupont and Associates.
Bette still remembered the first time she saw her after a decade of continuously thinking about her. She knew Tina was an actress too (she had seen some of her movies, most of them indie films with very good photography and interesting storytelling, but not nearly enough budget to make it to the big-screen), and she knew that she was out and proud now (most of those movies were about queer characters, and she had also found a couple of interviews in the ones the blonde talked about how representing those characters was important to her as “part of the community”), but she never expected to find her in the set of her very own TV show. Tina looked as beautiful as ever, but she had made it very clear since the first moment that she didn’t like Bette.
Although she couldn’t quite blame her, Bette didn’t like to be painted as the bad guy in a situation in the one both of them had some degree of fault. It had taken her years of therapy to forgive herself for the teenager she used to be, and Tina Kennard walking in her own territory and treating her like shit was not going to dismantle all her inner work.
So, she fought back.
And they ended in that mess that they used to be on set.
At Tina’s house, paparazzi were already waiting for them outside the front door. Both their managers had arranged some kind of security -thankfully- but she still had to take a detour to let Tina get into the house from the back door. Once inside, the blonde let herself fall into the sofa and closed her eyes. She looked absolutely drained, the contrast between her tired face and her party outfit making her even more beautiful in Bette’s eyes.
“Do you want me to stay the night?” Bette asked, conscious that she needed to ask that question, at least after all that happened.
“If you want to, yes” the blonde answered, her voice sounding defeated. “I know we need to talk; I know that. I just… I can’t right now.”
“That’s okay. Let’s just sleep.”
Upstairs, Bette softly took Tina out of her dress and let the blonde unbuttoned her shirt. They laid in bed, tangled, waiting for some kind of peace of mind that never came. Outside, the clicks of the cameras and the hum of the people camping at their door filled the otherwise quiet night, but inside, Bette could only kiss Tina’s skin and wonder how much shit had to happen between them, and how many times they had to go through it.
-
From the kitchen, where the coffee was brewing and while the bread was toasting, Bette could hear the footsteps coming down the stairs. It had been a long night, but eventually they had both drifted to sleep.
She had already talked to Claire about clearing both of their schedules, so now all they had in front of themselves was to have the talk. A talk that had been waiting for more than a decade.
She finished the scrambled eggs just as Tina walked into the kitchen.
“Hi baby” the blonde said, her voice hoarse from sleep.
“Good morning” Bette responded, placing the toasts and eggs in different plates. “Do you mind pouring the coffees?”
“No, of course not” Tina said, while searching for the cups.
There was a tension in the air between them that didn’t feel… bad, but it was definitely there.
“So, how are you feeling?” Bette finally asked, the steaming cup of coffee already secured between her hands.
“I don’t know.” Tina responded, sincerely. “I feel like a part of us have been violated yesterday, and I hate Linda Holster and all her team for it. They should have, at least, asked us first.”
“It was terrible. They had no right to do what they did.” She agreed. “Can you believe Tom works for them? I can’t even remember his last name. I haven’t thought about him for years.”
Tina nodded, absentmindedly.
“Ramirez, I think. I don’t know. I feel he did something terrible but, at the same time, maybe he saw us doing well and thought this was just a little anecdote from the past.” She said, like if she had given it a lot of thought. “I really don’t know. I don’t remember him being a bad guy. He didn’t have to know everything that happened after”.
Bette could see the blank stare in the other woman’s face when talking about the subject, and she felt like there was nowhere to hide from now. They had to face the topic.
“Yeah, maybe” she agreed, not really caring much about Tom. “But… what happened after?”
Tina turned her head to look at her fast, as if the question suddenly anchored her back to the present moment.
“What do you mean? You, us, this that happens right now. He probably thought we had already talked about all of this and left it behind. That would be the normal thing to do, right?” she questioned, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
“Sure, but I meant back then. What happened after, you know, I did what I did?” Bette knew her voice was laced with regret, but there was nothing she could do about it now.
“Oh, shit hit the fan” Tina said, laughing sarcastically. “Long story short, I got kicked out of my house. Basically.”
“What?”
“Oh, yeah. I mean it when I said shit hit the fan. Robert asked what you meant when you said, well, all that you said, and I couldn’t hide it anymore. I told them everything. And then Louisa packed me three bags and told me that I could, you know, think about it and change, or find somewhere else to live.”
“But…” Bette couldn’t even find the words to respond to what she was listening. “You were… what? Fourteen years old?”
“Almost fifteen, yeah” the blonde nodded, her face somber at the memories. “I don’t call them dad and mum anymore but, you know, they were my parents. My life depended on them. They really just… pretended they didn’t have a daughter anymore.”
“That’s so cruel. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do any of that.” Bette knew, at that point, that nothing she could do now was going to erase all the pain she had caused Tina.
“I know you didn’t mean it. I know who you were back then and why you were angry at me. What you did was… terrible. Horrible…”
“Twisted”.
“Yeah, and cruel too, in your own way. But you were seventeen years old, and I had broken your heart. They had no excuse.”
Tina sounded sure about it. There was no tremble in her voice when talking about how she thought Bette had felt, no doubt about the brunette’s character. There was a strength there that Bette had always admired, but that suddenly was so clear and immense. She had put Tina through hell, probably, and she was still there, having breakfast with her.
She couldn’t even start to form the words to express her regret. But she tried:
“I thought about it so much. Everything that I did, and everything that I shouldn’t have done. I’ve been regretting it for a long time, T. You broke my heart, that’s true, but I basically, what, ruined your life?” Bette couldn’t even picture the extent of the damage she had caused.
“At that time? Yes, you completely did. I thought I would never be happy again.” Tina affirmed, flatly. “For so many years, I resented you so much.”
“And you were right.” The brunette conceded.
“Yeah, but I couldn’t live with that resentment forever. I went to therapy, I did my best to understand you, and I did. And I see the person you’re now, and I know you just did this fucked up thing that had nothing to do with who you are. But them? To not love your own kid for something they don’t choose or have any control over? That’s unforgivable.”
A single tear fell down Tina’s cheek, and Bette couldn’t help but to go around the kitchen aisle and hold her in her arms. The blonde accepted the touch, burring her face in her chest, softly crying there.
“I’m over it” she said, after a while, pulling apart. “But sometimes, when I’m reminded of it, I can’t help but feel that I deserved better. I know that I deserve better.”
“Of course you do” Bette stated, kissing her hair. “You deserved better from everyone, myself included.”
“You deserved better, too. You know why I became so cold to you, so suddenly?” she asked, but it was a rhetorical question. Obviously, Bette didn’t know. “When we were flying, during that fucking trip, they saw me talking to you and they started asking questions. I’ve always been terrible at lying, so I tried, but they sensed something was off. So, Louisa took my phone, and she found a couple chats in the ones we called each other by pet names, and we told each other ‘I love you’. They didn’t say much, but they started making remarks about how disgusted they were by gay people, how unnatural it was, you know, the classics. They were usually like that, but now they were more insistent.”
“From what I know now, it’s not like I expect anything else, but that’s awful.”
“But that was just the beginning. Then we went to see an aunt of mine, Aunt Gabrielle. She’s clearly gay, lived with her girlfriend, and everything. But knowing Robert and Louisa, she just played it cool and said she was her friend. We just went out for dinner, one night, nothing too crazy. You have no idea the comments they made about her after it. ‘She should’ve just killed herself when she found out she’s a freak’ was probably the softest one.”
Bette stood there, with her mouth wide open, unable to process anything that she was hearing. She knew those people were awful, but she had no idea to which extent.
“I’m so sorry” was all she could mutter.
“You had no way of knowing. I was so scared and confused that I just decided the best thing was to run away from you. Later I realized that I should’ve talked to you, that you probably would’ve understood me. But I couldn’t bring myself to do anything.”
“I’m so sorry” Bette repeated, the only words her brain was able to form.
“It’s okay, baby. I’m okay now. We’re okay.”
They held each other for a while. Bette knew that it was all in the past now, but she couldn’t help but feel like she had done something that could never be forgotten. Sure, Tina had forgiven her, and her parents were to blame for many more things than her, but she still fucked up the life of someone she’d claimed to love. It was a hard pill to swallow.
“What did you do after they kicked you out?” she asked, out of curiosity but also because she needed to know the whole story to fully understand Tina.
“I called Aunt Gabrielle, of course. She was the only person I knew who wouldn’t hate me for who I was. She took me in immediately, booked a flight for me to go live in North Carolina with her and, well, she raised me from then on. Her girlfriend Ana had been kicked out of her house too when she was a little older than me at the time, so they took it personally. They taught me everything, from accepting myself to the importance of therapy. I own them my life.” Tina smiled while talking about them, a beautiful smile that Bette hadn’t seen during the whole conversation. It was heartwarming.
“They sound like very good people.”
“They are” Tina said, still smiling. “I talk to them every week; they love the show. When we started the whole fake-dating thing they were super worried, because they knew who you were. It was very hard for me to lie to them about it.”
“I’m sorry” Bette said again, for the millionth time.
“You shouldn’t. Everything’s in the past now. I feel like my best revenge for everything that once happened to me, to Robert and Louise, my best gift to myself and my aunts is just being out, proud and happy right now. And you make me happy, Bette. You made me happy back then, you make me happy now. That’s all I can ask for, right?”
“You make me happy too, T. I just wish things were on our terms, for once.”
“We can’t change anything, baby. It’s sad, but it is what it is. At least we have each other.”
“Of course we do.” Bette said, circling her arms around Tina once more. “We’ll always do.”
Bette knew that there were many things they still needed to talk about, but right there, in that kitchen, she came to the realization that she loved Tina Kennard.
She realized, too, that she had loved her for many years.