words cannot espresso
the cheekiest boys
(9:34am)
the light of your lives: guys‼️
GUYS‼️‼️
you will lit rally not BELIEVE who me and mary just stumbled upon at work
sexy stag: oh is that where you are
why do you even work there? you have like millions and millions of dollars to your name
you’re set bruv, put the apron down
worm boy: plus having that much caffeine at easy access is not good for you…
sexy stag: yes exactly
took the words right of my mouth
the light of your lives: it’s too early to question my actions right now
i haven’t even had a cup of coffee damn thanks for reminding me
sexy stag: DAMN IT PETTIGREW
the light of your lives: LET ME SPEAKK🗣
worm boy: sirius, you NEVER stop talking
but go on i guess
the light of your lives: i never stop speaking and yet…
here you all are…trying to silence me
sexy stag: don’t even say it
worm boy: sirius black you better not
the light of your lives: you guys are being very homophobic right now 🥱🥱
sexy stag: do it pete
[worm boy removed the light of your lives from the cheekiest boys]
sexy stag: it’s what he deserved honestly
[the light of your lives added sexy stag, worm boy, and mary go-round to a groupchat]
[sirius black changed the name to the sexiest people you will ever meet]
(9:57am)
the light of your lives: first of all, how dare you try and remove me when i’m trying to tell you something that has rocked my world
secondly, i expect no interruptions while i recount the events from earlier
worm boy: we didn’t TRY and remove you
we DID remove you
sexy stag: and yet somehow you’ve reeled us back in
hello mary, haven’t seen you in a while
mary go-round: ah hello to you james
yes i’ve been busy with a few of my own conquests
sexy stag: conquests ??????
the light of your lives: yes great segue mary
AND I THOUGHT I SAID NO INTERRUPTIONS‼️⁉️‼️
worm boy: god, black. cant even greet someone now huh ?
the light of your lives: you’ve seen her countless amounts of times, it’s really nothing special 🙄
mary go-round: yeah up yours black 😐
ur not gonna be that snarky when you tell them what happened 😁
sexy stag: what happened?
the light of your lives: yes well
remember that party we went to at falice’s last weekend ???
worm boy: boy, do we!!
we have the video of you falling off a table to prove it 😝😝😝
mary go round: YOU FELL OFF A TABLE?!??!
HAHAHAHA THATS WHAT U GET
the light of your lives: yes yes i fell off a table, it was hilarious, we’ll be thinking about it for ages
speaking of the table, you’ll never guess who i ran into today !?!?!
mary go-round: he means that literally btw☺️
sexy stag: wdym literally????
the light of your lives: okay so
you know how we do curbside deliveries now right???
well i was on my way out the door to deliver these coffees
when i SMASH INTO a (rather tall and firm) body
and i, along with the coffees, topple to the floor and bring mr. tall and firm down with me
worm boy: oh no
mary go-round: just wait
it gets better
the light of your lives: so i go to help the poor lad up when i suddenly recognize him
it’s fellow table dancer and mamma mia enthusiast himself 😩😩😩😩
i’m so shocked that i’ve finally found him,
i let go of his arm and drop him to the floor for a second time
sexy stag: PADFOOT YOU DID NOT
YOU BLOODY IDIOT
worm boy: this is honestly so embarrassing for you 😭
the light of your lives: yeah pete you don’t think i know that 😐😐😐
sexy stag: so then what happened???
mary go-round: it goes downhill from here
worm boy: THIS WASNT ALREADY GOING DOWNHILL??
sirius bloody black what happened ??
the light of your lives: okay so what had happened was
i correctly helped him up this time, and he was cursing under his breath about ruining his jumper
he had an accent, he def was not from here
but yeah, pissed about his jumper
mary go-round: don’t know why he was so mad, it was a trash jumper
the light of your lives: no it was hot
fit in all the right places, snug and tight but not embarrassingly so
the earth tones brought out his eyes, especially in the coffee shop lighting
sexy stag: padfoot mate, we’re losing you
what happened next
the light of your lives: oh right
n e wayz,
i lead him to the counter and hand him a rag to clean up
then i say “words cannot espresso how much i’m so sorry”
mary go-round: it’s like the entire shop heard this stupid fucking pun, it was DEAD SILENT 😭
ive never seen sirius turn so bright red when he realized his joke did not land
sexy stag: jesus fuckin christ pads…
worm boy: what even compelled you to say that??? 😭😭
the light of your lives: HE MADE ME NERVOUS
YOU KNOW HOW I GET, I CANT CONTROL THE WORDS THAT COME OUT OF MY MOUTH
sexy stag: i can’t believe you did that
what did he do after you said that ?
worm boy: i hope he punched you fr…
mary go-round: he definitely looked like he wanted to
the light of your lives: i guess it wasn’t the right thing to say bc he scoffed and just dropped the rag on the counter and left
didn’t even get his name 💔💔💔
worm boy: no i get him
if someone dropped scalding hot coffee on me, knocked me down TWICE, and then tried to mend it by using a pun…
i’d have done much more than just leave
the light of your lives: it was honestly one of the worst moments in my entire life
here comes the most beautiful man i’ve ever encountered and i go and arse it all up
mary go-round: yeah he’s definitely not coming back to the shop anymore
the light of your lives: wow😐
way to rub salt on the wound, macdonald😐
sexy stag: i mean look at it this way
he’s never going to forget you or this moment
he’s probably talking to you about his friends right now
the light of your lives: all nice things, let’s hope 🤞🏼🤞🏼
worm boy: yeah you’re gonna need a loooootttttt of hope mate
phoebe bridgers stan club
(9:38am)
rem job: i made a command decision that we shall never go to the coffee box ever again
mars bar: okay i’m still going to go because their banana toffee bread is TO DIE FOR
but why not re ?
lily pad: yeah i don’t know who put you in charge of our decisions but please indulge us with whatever events caused you to boycott the coffee box
rem job: some annoying little man spilled like four cups of coffee on me
and then knocked me to the ground
TWICE
ruined my bloody jumper
dorcas: poor remus :(
mars bar: he’s doing you a favor, probably made that jumper look waaaaay better 🥱
rem job: shut up mckinnon
it was quite literally the worst moment of my life
lily pad: that’s tough remus
did he apologize at least ???
rem job: oh that’s really the icing on this fucked up little cake
he said, and this is word for word,
“words cannot espresso how much i’m so sorry”
he was serious about it too
mars bar: remus…
THATS HILARIOUS
dorcas: RIGHT ???? I WOULDVE BEEN LAUGH OUT LOUDING
mars bar: LAUGH AT LOUDING HAHAHAHAHAH
rem job: ugh i cant believe you guys are laughing rn
i didn’t even get my coffee, was too angry
had to go back to the flat to change my jumper
lily pad: so we’re not going to the coffee box anymore bc of that ?
re i love you but i’m sure he was sincere about it
you probably scared him
mars bar: yeah you’re not the most approachable person…
rem job: of course i’m not bloody approachable after you knock me flat on my ass TWICE and burn me with coffee
dorcas: yeah that’s where i’m lost
howd he knock you down twice ?!?!?
mars bar: yeah
lily pad: yeah
rem job: after the first time, he reached out his hand but dropped me after he looked at me
reckon it’s the scars
which aren’t pretty to begin with but still, you could be more subtle about it
lily pad: no remus it wasn’t the scars. stop thinking that, they’re beautiful. truly
that’s a pound in the scar jar
dorcas: whats uh…
what’s the scar jar…???
mars bar: it’s this thing lily and remus started in fifth year
everytime remus says something negative regarding his scars, he has to put a pound in the jar
lily pad: we thought it’d be and effective way to get him to realize he’s beautiful inside and out
but it’s almost as if he enjoys putting money in the scar jar
rem job: all the proceeds go to sal’s liquor shop down on 84th 😁
for a good cause, obviously
dorcas: obviously😐
lily pad: he didn’t get scared of your scars remus
it’s probably that rbf
mars bar: thats a valid reason
you have the meanest resting bitch face
rem job: shut up no i don’t ???
dorcas: yeah you do
why do you think it took me so long to try and talk to you
you’re SCARY
lily pad: see ?
plus add to the fact that this poor guy spilled coffee on you and had to look down to see fuckin male blair waldorf
i’d drop you too ngl
rem job: ive learned a lot today
but still
you cant drop me twice and use a pun to try and fix it and expect me to forgive you just bc you’re cute
mars bar: PAUSE ❌❌
dorcas: WHAT WAS THAT 👂🏼👂🏼
rem job: shit
lily pad: LMAOOO
JUST OUTED YOURSELF
dorcas: EXPLAIN PLS
rem job: it’s really nothing
I just noticed how he was slightly attractive when he gave me the rag
then he said that fuckin ridiculous pun and I visually cringed
my own ick
mars bar: OHHHHH
i get it now
what if, now listen to me, WHAT. IF.
he said that pun to try and woo you 😼😼
dorcas: woo?????
mars bar: yeah you know like
to flirt with you
rem job: if that’s true, then i pity whoever falls for his annoying ass
lily pad: unbelievable how we can’t go to the coffee box for that
sorry to you but i’m different 😄
dorcas: HAHAHAHA SHE PULLED OUT THE IM BUILT DIFFERENT
mars bar: hate to break it to you lupin,
but lily is literally on her way to the shop right now
lily pad: what the FUCK
how do you know that ????
spying on me mckinnon ?
mars bar: the life360 app, HELLOOOOO?????
rem job: you ARE GOING THERE
TRAITOR
ADULTERER
dorcas: lils if i apple pay you can you get me a chai latte pwetty please🥺
lily pad: of course
rem job: NOT YOU TOO MEADOWES
mckinnon why are you and evans in the same proximity of each other…
mars bar: you know what
we’re going to the coffee box
lily pad: why are you last naming us rn ?
ur big mad over some coffee beans
rem job: YOU GUYS ??!?!?
mars bar: what ???
im not gonna sugarcoat it just bc you had a little run in with a cute boy
dorcas: ha, run in
good one marls
mars bar: cuz he ran into him get it ??!!!!
dorcas: you’re so smart babes
lilypad: just want you to know that marlene actually kicked a rock and blushed from your comment cas
do with that what you will
mars bar: LILY EVSNS
only kicked the rock because it was in my way
and I didn’t blush!!! Its just cold outside
dorcas: you’re cute mckinnon ;)
lily pad: blushed again and stumbled into the trashcan
keep doing this cas, maybe I can record her actually falling or something
dorcas: I could do this all day
rem job: maybe not all day because im going to kill marls for doing the one thing I said not too
and I never ask for anything
this is a shot in the heart
mars bar: remus, you are a grown man
grow up, its not as if the guy poured the coffee over you
now do you want anything or not, you big baby
rem job: no im too shaken up
lily pad: oh please remus
anyways, gotta go get the forbidden coffee
meet you guys at the flat in about 20 ???
dorcas: sounds like a plan to me !
rem job: fine whatever
mars bar: we’ll stop at maccies for a happy meal for remus, since hes acting like a child
rem job: oh shut up mckinnon
Marlene smiled at her phone before sliding it in her back pocket and locking arms with Lily, who was walking next to her. They walked in comfortable silence for around two minutes before Marlene’s curiosity got the best of her.
“Reckon the bloke is still working right now?” she asked Lily, who looked as if she was wondering the same. “I hope so, kind of what to see what the fuss is all about”.
“He has to be working. Remus informed us of his oh so tragic encounter about 30 minutes ago. I’m sure his shift just started.” Marlene said as she spotted the familiar orange and brown sign hanging from the roof, swinging slightly as there was a small breeze. “Guess we’ll find out, eh?”
Lily reached for the door handle and smiled inwardly as the smell of dark roast coffee beans flooded her senses and the whirring blenders were roaring loud in her ears. The Coffee Box was a fairly new café, about twenty minutes from the university and ten minutes from the flat her and Remus shared.
They had come across it after their buildings internet provider suddenly crashed and which ultimately drove Remus ballistic as his computer shut down the page he was taking his Philosophy 2306 midterm on. Lily advised him to email his professor about his situation and mentioned how perhaps a cup of coffee would calm him down. Remus acquiesced and mindlessly followed Lily into the coffee shop that would soon become their safe haven. It was even open until 11:00pm, which Remus thought was odd. He soon forgot this though, as the “Free Wi-Fi” sign and a notification going off on his phone caught his attention. An email from Professor Binns stating how Remus would be able to make up his exam and no deductions would be made to his grade. Remus was convinced the café brought him good luck. Professer Cuthbert Binns had a reputation being the most uncooperative teacher on campus, but here he was, giving Remus a second chance with his exam. Remus informed Lily on how the café needed to become “their spot” as good things seemed to come from it.
Lily thought about Remus’ past words and wondered if he still carried the same opinion now after today’s experience. Marlene’s voice broke Lily out from her thoughts, “That has to be the guy”. Lily followed Marlene’s line of sight which led her to a particularly disheveled young man, attractive too. Remus’ judgement was not misplaced.
There were only three people behind the café bar. An old, heavyset man with greying hair, and the meanest scowl Lily had ever seen on a person before. Probably the manager, she thought. No way Remus would find him attractive. The next was an extremely beautiful woman with a head full of bouncy black curls that were gathered together at the base of her neck, with two curly strands framing her very symmetrical face. She was shaking her head and raising her hand as if to smack the person next to her which- a ha! It must be him. Lily looked over to Marlene who seemed to have reached the same conclusion. This was the poor bloke who had to be on the receiving end of one of Remus’ death glares.
He had wavy black hair that went past his ears and styled in such a way that seemed to accentuate his good looks. His piercing blue eyes were crinkled as he flinched when the hand that was raised by the beautiful woman met his arm. He laughed and looked up to see Lily and Marlene making their way towards the register.
“Welcome to the Coffee Box, what could I get started for you today?” he said with a booming voice. Marlene noticed that underneath his apron, his t-shirt was adorned with coffee stains. Yup, this is our guy. Lily greeted the young barista, Sirius, (she gathered that by his name tag) and began to place their order.
Matcha latte with oatmilk for Lily, two chai lattes for Dorcas and Marlene, (although Lily knew about Marlene’s distaste for chai and when she brought this to her attention, the blonde girl simply stated, “Maybe my judgement was misplaced.”) and a flat white and chocolate muffin for Remus. Lily knew he was just trying to seem nonchalant about not having his daily coffee fix and she knew how utterly annoying he could get without it.
Sirius wrote the orders down with a smile and handed it off to Mary- Lily peered at her nametag- who had already started preparing their coffees. Marlene took a quick look around and noticed that she and Lily were the only ones in line. Perfect, she thought.
“Excuse me,” she found herself saying to Sirius who looked at her with friendly eyes. “Earlier today, I don’t know if you may have had a certain encounter with one of our friends” Marlene said, as she pointed a chipped green painted finger at the stains covering the workers shirt.
Sirius’ eyes widened as he followed her finger to his shirt and cleared his throat before apologizing, “Oh my god, yes. I- I’m so sorry. I was a bit distracted,” he turned and gestured at Mary who was watching this exchange with nosy eyes. When she realized the distraction he mentioned was her, she rolled her eyes and flicked two fingers at him “Oh up yours, Black. You just never pay attention to where you’re bloody walking.”
Sirius poked his tongue out at Mary and continued his apology, “I looked forward and he was just right there, on the floor, and he looked so angry and I tried to help him up but…” he shook his head as if he was recounting the incident in his head, “…I just knocked him down again. I offered him a towel and tried to apologize but he left in such an angry rush, I never got to apologize correctly.”
Lily smiled at how fast this apology spewed out of his mouth and how frantic he looked while delivering it. “Yes, he did mention something about a pun. Something about espresso…” Over at the coffee grinder, Mary stifled a laugh and shook her head. “I told you that was a dumb thing to say.” Sirius grimaced and brought his hand up to scratch the back of his neck, something he’d done since a child whenever he was embarrassed. “I thought it would lighten the mood” he said quietly.
Marlene and Lily both laughed at this, because there was nothing Remus hated more than puns. “They’re just stupid little phrases that are supposed to be a play on words but most of the time, they don’t even make sense. I don’t understand how people can find that amusing.” Yeah, they’ve had that conversation a few times.
“I’m sorry to tell you this, but our friend has a sincere dislike for puns. Absolutely repulsed by the concept.”, said Lily, who shared a look with Marlene that let her know she had a plan.
“Tell you what, we’re supposed to have a study session tomorrow at this place called The Three Broomsticks, you’ve ever been?” Sirius nodded his head and looked confused at where this conversation was going. “We call it a study session to make ourselves feel better, but really we just eat and do anything but study. You’re welcome to join us,” Lily stated, gesturing between Marlene and herself, “the anti-pun hater will be there and you could avenge yourself by introducing yourself correctly. Perhaps you guys just got off on the wrong foot.”
Sirius was unsure, the man already hated him. He couldn’t stand having anybody dislike him, he already got enough of that from his parents. But still, he didn’t want to add to that dislike by barging in on what seemed like an ongoing tradition held by this group of friends.
“If you’re skeptical about us being psychopaths or something, you can bring your friends. That way you’re not too uncomfortable.” At this, Mary practically knocked Sirius out of the way before he could decline and exclaimed, “He’ll be there. We’ll be there, if that’s okay?”
Marlene smiled and said “Of course, it’s more than okay! Come on, what’s your guys’ number so we could plan this correctly.” Mary reeled off her and Sirius’ number before handing the girls their coffees and saying that they’ll see each other soon.
As soon as Lily and Marlene walked out the doors, Sirius turned to Mary and tugged on one of her curls. “What the fuck you’d do that for? I don’t want to join a study session with a man that essentially hates me?” Mary scoffed and used a rag to clean up the oatmilk she spilled when Lily mentioned they get together, “Oh grow up, I was doing it for me. I need more woman friends. I think spending time with you, Peter, and James, has made me forget that I can be friends with people who don’t rant about football all the bloody time. Swear, you guys make me forget that I have a vagina.”
Sirius rolled his eyes yet seemed to understand how Mary was feeling. Ever since Mary was paired up with him in their University 1100 class, he learned that she was new to Brighton and trying to get away from her overbearing family. Sirius related to this and invited her to hang out with him and his crazy lot. They all instantly clicked, and Mary soon became the Jess to their Nick, Schmidt, and Winston. James was a huge fan of the American sitcom, he was actually the one who brought up how they were each like a certain character.
After a few minutes of bickering, Sirius gave in. Only so Mary can have her chance at some girl friends, Sirius tried to convince himself. Though if he was being honest, he wanted to see the brooding man again. He was sure that when he reached for his hand the second time, he felt warmth radiate throughout his entire body. He couldn’t believe he said that stupid espresso pun, but he was nervous! When the man got to his feet, grumbling about his ruined jumper (that clinged to his body in the most delicious of ways, Sirius noticed) he was certain that he was the most beautiful man Sirius had ever come across.
Of course, he’d mucked up any chances he may have had by knocking him down (twice!) and sending him out the door in a fuming, coffee-stained mess. Maybe tomorrow would be his chance to redeem himself, he’d make sure of it.
Sirius’ phone buzzed and he saw two new notifications from a groupchat made up of Lily, Marlene, Mary, himself, and two other unknown numbers.
be there in a flashcard
10:27 am
[ Lily added Mary and Sirius to the group]
Sirius turned to look at Mary, also staring at her phone, no doubt looking at the same notifications. She looked up at him smiling and Sirius sighed. He could do this.