From all the days that this had happened, today's episode was the worst.
Remus huffed. He was down in the cafeteria, rerunning the episode in his head. He closed his eyes, sipping his milkshake, and leaned back into his chair.
"Hey"
Feeling a hand on his shoulder, the brunette turned around to see Lily beaming at him.
"So, was it him again?", she asked with a smirk. Remus groaned into his palm, setting the milkshake down, and nodded.
"I'm guessing he still doesn't have a face, then?".
"I can't believe this keeps happening to me. It's atrocious!"
Lily chuckled. "So, what's today's story?".
"Er..."
____________________
Remus couldn't believe he had gotten himself into this situation. He was in a bathroom and there wasn't any toilet paper left!
He stirred, looking for anything that could be of use.
Nothing!
Remus resentfully buried his face into his elbow, jerking upright when he heard footsteps heading into the stall beside him. The man was humming something by...the Beatles? Maxwell's silver hammer, was it? A funny song that one. Remus had it on vinyl, which reminded him that there was a situation currently that needed to be dealt with. The man shuffled, pulling his pants back up when Remus blurted out in a hurry,
"Could you pass some paper over, please?"
The man went silent. Remus grimaced but sat upright when he heard more shuffling.
"Er- you talking to me?", the man in the next stall laughed a little.
Remus swallowed, "The- there isn't any paper left here."
"Yeah, I figured", he chuckled. A hand holding some extra paper emerged from beneath the stall, and as fate would have it, the hand that emerged was none other than, The Hand.
The Hand that had been haunting Remus for a while now.
You see, the recursive disaster that was 'Mr. Hand' had started in the theatres. In the theatre when Remus... flatulated.
"I told you! there was a fight scene going on- and a second before I decided to... let go, it all went silent!", the man spluttered.
Lily snorted, "Oh, Remus. Poor little Remus. We have talked about this!! You shift to the side of your seat and pull one leg up. how hard is it to remember?
Shift, pull. shift, pull. shift-"
"That sounds vaguely sexual for some reason".
Lily held back a chuckle, "How about Scoot and Toot?", she grinned
"Yeah, I get it, Lily", Remus deadpanned.
"Why do I even tell you all of this stuff", he sighed, regretting ever going to the theatre.
While leaving the theatre, Remus remembered the whispers, he remembered the two lads laughing loudly at the exit. Remus pushed his face into his hands, barely peeking up to see who they were, but all he saw was a hand grasping the corner of the door as it slipped off. The image of those black nails and the iron skull bracelet burnt into his brain.
Since then it seemed that Mr. Hand happened to somehow be present a lot during the embarrassments of Lupin's life. Dropping in during a meeting with the psychiatrist, in the STD clinics, but sadly, every time Remus noticed The Hand, he could never seem to catch a glimpse of the man's face!
"I heard his friend outside the stalls ask him if he recognized my voice correctly", Remus murmured.
"They must think of me as Mr 'Embarrassment personified-Why are you even alive!?'-Lupin! No wait, they don't know my last name."
"Yeah, I'm sure the rest of the name is on point", she smirked.
_________________
A few weeks later...
"Are you sure this is a good idea?", Remus hissed holding Lily's wrist to stop her.
"Relax, Remus, I am sure Marlene is gonna laugh her butt off. And it's her favorite color too!".
Remus inhaled roughly, "This is gonna end badly, I can feel it. What if there are other people around when she opens it?!".
"Doubles the amusement"
Remus regarded Lily with a look edging on panic.
"C'mon! It will be memorable. You know... a break from all that posh shit she's gonna receive."
"Yeah, cause this is obviously the perfect gift for a Bachelorette party"
Little did he know that he'd be contemplating all his life decisions that led to the moment that Lily placed the strap on on the counter for the rest of his life.
_______
"I still think you should be the one who carries this around rather than me", Remus scrutinized.
Lily twisted her lips mischievously, "You think too much, Remus Lupin"
"I'm just saying that statistically speaking- uff"
Remus stumbled, trying to grab onto the railing beside him but hit the ground, the impact directing a sharp pain in his knees.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! You alright mate?", said the strange brunette he managed to bump into.
Remus looked down and, well... the cat was out of the bag (Or should he say the bone was out of the bag)
"Shit!", Remus hissed, stuffing the strap back into the box. The shorter man next to the stranger raised an eyebrow.
"I- It's not what it looks like.", Remus added, quickly getting back on his feet.
"Hey, no judgment.", the stranger chuckled. Remus nodded, hastily grabbing Lily's hand, and was about to walk away when-
"Wait, are you Remus? Remus Lupin", says the stranger.
Remus stopped and turned around. "How do you-"
"I knew I recognized you. Hi, I'm James", said the strange man, reaching his hand out to Remus.
"Hi...", Remus says, still not knowing how they knew his name, when Lily elbowed him, "Hand".
Oh.
Oh no!
"Hi, we, uh- used to listen to your band. The purple sun's deceit, right?"
"Yeah", Lily beamed.
"Oh, you must be the drummer." the shorter man with the long wavy hair huffed unbelievably. Remus had never seen a man that gorgeous. His skin was tan and he was wearing a leather jacket with a lot of pockets. His mind was as stunned as a 12-year-old girl.
"Man, that last track. I don't know of anyone who would have played it that time signature. It was so... inventive."
"Thanks.", Lily grinned.
"Sirius", he introduced.
"Do you still perform?", James asked.
"Oh, Dorcas and Marlene are getting married this month, but we have a few gigs after that."
"Oh, that explains the strap-"
"Sirius!", James exclaimed. Lily chuckled, "You guys should come by."
"We'd love to!", James smiled, his mouth tilting into a crooked smile. Lily glanced up, and quickly looked back, feeling her cheeks heat up.
"Say, I and Remus were just heading out for a coffee.", Lily said
"We were?", Remus looked at Lily with contempt. Her voice sounded suspiciously different. Lower, almost sultry? Kinda ragged?
"Would you like to join us?", she asked, smiling indulgently towards James.
"Lily!" Remus hissed, "I am walking around with a strap on that I have already once exposed to the wild!"
The pair of lads snickered, "We would love to join you.", James responded and Sirius shrugged back at Remus.
Remus sighed in surrender and turned around, feeling his face heat up, the rest of the group walking behind him.
"You're paying", he hissed.
____
Remus clicked his knuckles, looking over his shoulders to the back of the cafe. Lily and James had been gone to "place their order" for a while now. Sirius smiled from across the table.
"So, how did you come up with the band's name? 'The purple sun's deceit", Sirius asked.
"Oh. Lily has tritanopia, so it's hard for her to differentiate between purple and red".
"Oh, the evening sun, was it? Say", he mused, "What did the dress look like to her?".
"Pink and brown!".
"No way!".
"Yeah", Remus nodded with a smile.
"What colors did you see?", Remus asked.
"White and golden", Sirius replied chirpily.
"How? How do you see golden?", the brunette asked earnestly.
"You see black?", Sirius asked
"Yes!"
"It is not even a dark golden!"
"C'mon, even in reality it was black and blue."
"Liers.", Sirius exclaimed.
"What?"
"It's all a trick of the internet.", he stated firmly. "To let the insomniacs believe that they've won."
Remus gasped dramatically, "And, why would the internet do that?"
"So that the insomniacs are encouraged to sleep even lesser. And, what do people do when they can't sleep?"
"Browse the internet."
"Brilliant.", Sirius whispered. Remus tilted his head to the side, looking at the man with ever so slight amusement when Sirius burst out laughing, "I swear I had better theories about the dress, I don't know why my mind chose this one to go with."
Remus chuckled, taking a sip of his water and cleared his throat.
"So I take that you are into conspiracy theories.", the brunette stated.
"Love em.", Sirius smiled.
"I mean, as long as your not a flat earther..."
"Alright, no, but listen-".
"C'mon!!" Remus wailed. "You finally find a fit bloke and he turns out to be a flat earther-"
"You think I'm fit?"
"You know your fit".
Sirius smirked. "Debateable", he mused
"There is no debate.", Remus hummed, feeling a foot slowly trailing up his leg.
"Would you like to place your order?"
Sirius swore, and Remus exhaled a deep breath when Sirius pulls back, but just barely.
"I see you guys have gotten to know each other", Lily emerged from behind, pulling out a chair, James circling behind her.
"You'd know all about that, wouldn't you", Remus smirked, subtly eyeing Lily's mismatched buttons.
Lily lifted her chin and a mischievous smirk painted on her face as she looked over to a James as red as her disheveled hair.
"Your buttons are also done up wrong", Sirius whispered to James resulting in him jerking back in his chair.
After placing the order the pair tuned back, "So, what were you guys talking about?"
"Remus was just telling me how fit-"
"Fit in the bill this restaurant is downtown. Very neat.", he interrupted
Lily raised an eyebrow. "Downtown?"
Remus swallowed. "Course. Near Gideon's place."
"Gideon, from downtown? As in Gideon Pewett?", They nodded.
"You know him?"
"Fabian was our batchmate".
"No!", Lily exclaimed, looking at the two men in bewilderment.
"Wait. How did you two get to know each other?"
"Me and Gideon?"
"You and James"
"Oh. At the Hogwarts express.", Sirius grinned.
"He walked in on me stuffing fart bags beneath the seats of the empty compartments", James elaborated.
"And I offered to help him out", Sirius added.
"You're the Potter brothers!", she shrieked.
"No, Lily. They are decent blokes. Besides, James has an accent and Sirius doesn't"
"Yeah, Irish", Lily scoffed, "I noticed", she added, her fingers playing with her collar.
Sirius looked at James, a look of dramatic shock staring back at a shit-eating grin.
"So it's happened, then...", said the bespeckled man.
"The legacy of the Potter boys has finally spread across the world", Sirius whispered, swiping his hair back as he leaned back in his chair
"Were Famous!", he exclaimed.
Lily glared at the pair in amusement, "Decent blokes", she mocked.
"So, you are the reason Sluggy left hogs and tortured us for 2 years", Remus inquired
"Oh, he was such a headache.", James chuckled. "He was alright.", Lily frowned.
"Of course you'd think that. The man adored you.", Remus teased.
Sirius smiled at Remus, shifting his shoulders towards him.
"So, what was it that the great Potter boys did to get Slughorn to finally leave?", inquired Remus, glancing up to see Sirius, his eyes momentarily dropping down to his lips.
"Really? The great Potter boys? Cause an ego boost is exactly what they need", Lily snorted.
Sirius picked up a glass of water, "We worked out a portion", he said, taking a small sip, slowly eyeing Remus' sweater.
"He was a potions professor, so our first step had to use a potion..."
"And the next class we did the classic stand behind him and pretend to sneeze as you Splash a little portion on his neck.", James added.
"Obviously, the man ran to the washroom trying to wash the snot off his neck, but the potion had already started to seep into his skin.", said the gorgeous man.
"The portion took around 23 hours to start showing effect."
"How did it affect him", Lily asked, shifting closed as her interest started to peak.
James huffed a throaty laugh, "Every inanimate object he touched turned invisible, so when he was teaching..."
"No!", Lily's eyes widened.
"His was still covered, of course, coz multiple layering."
"Didn't want to traumatize the students"
Remus laughed in disbelief.
"But his quills and his books, everything. It made the guy miserable!", James shrieked.
"Second day he started to use gloves so we had to switch our plan."
"So, James set a transfiguration bomb on everything everywhere. And whatever he touched something, James would simply tip the trigger, turning the object into a banana."
"That explains a lot.", Remus hummed.
"Why a banana, though?", Lily chuckled.
"I don't know. Bananas are funny!", James explained.
"You hold a quill, oh no! Now it's a banana. You're sat on a chair, nope, now you've squashed a banana! It was hilarious!"
"Poor Sluggy.", Remus smiled, his eyebrows furrowing with amusement.
"Eh, he deserved it. Made our lives miserable."
"Even Snivellous laughed out when his entire meal turned into a pile of bananas."
"Snivellous?"
"Snivellous Snape", Sirius spat. "That jerk of a brat..."
Lily pursed her lips.
"The best part was, he knew it was us. But there was no way he could prove it. Drove him insane!"
"And our wand history was clear just like every other teenager.", James shrugged.
Remus chucked.
"So he quit?"
"So he quit."
"You guys are vile", Lily adduced
Sirius lowered the glass, sending an exaggerated wink her way, "Darling, you haven't even heard the best of it"
_______
Remus laughed, burying his face in his hands. The four people had been speaking for over two hours now.
Lily had slowly scooted closer to James, her head occasionally resting on his shoulders. Sirius' hand had slowly made its way to Remus' knee, the pad of his thumb stroking the denim there. He looked out the glass windows.
The sky had turned an orange-ish purple, clouds wildly chasing the wind.
Remus couldn't remember the last time he'd had such an easy and natural conversation with someone he just met.
Lily noticed Remus looking outside.
"It's getting late", she smiled sadly.
James stretched, yawning and chuckling a little when Sirius commented on how he couldn't feel his butt anymore. The distressed waitress looked infuriated to the brim. Like she was about to walk right up to them and fling them out the door.
"So, until next time?", Sirius asked, his thumb sliding along the back of Remus' palm.
"Yeah, I'll probably just fall on my face the next time I wanna see you", Remus smiled.
"Yeah, and I'll just push him off if that doesn't happen soon", Lily said, her tongue pushing against the inside of her cheek as she held a laugh back.
Sirius chuckled, "Don't you dare ruin that pretty face on my behalf"
Remus looked down at his feet, nervously toying with the hem of his sweater.
Lily walked to the door leaning back until it opened for the other three.
Remus circled behind her. This day couldn't possibly get any better, he thought to himself
"Did you ever notice that 'Strap on' read backward is 'No parts'? The irony...", Sirius stated inquisitively.
Remus snorted, turned around to face Sirius as he stepped out of the shop when a white liquid dropped on his shoulder.
"Come on! I liked this sweater!!"
"And the curse continues..."
______