Teddy and James
Teddy had walked all the way home from his flat back to Luke’s, barely even feeling the cold winter air as he made his way in a daze through the eerily quiet and empty streets. It had been damn near impossible to detangle himself from James and to leave the flat in the early hours of the morning, when it was still dark outside, but he knew that there was no alternative. This thing with Albus was a complication that neither of them had banked on, and Teddy really wished that he had more headspace to deal with that right now, but he just didn’t. And that really wasn’t OK. It was clear now what had to be done.
When he got back to Luke’s place Teddy sat on the living floor in between the coffee table and sofa, not even bothering to turn the light on. He had no idea why there was something vaguely comforting about sitting on the floor like this. Maybe it reminded him of being a child; simpler times, as it were. He wasn’t really too interested in pursuing that line of enquiry just now. He wished he had had the foresight to get a drink before sitting down, though, because god damn he could use something to take the edge off. But he felt far too hopeless to get up again now to go and get one. His body was tired, but his mind wasn’t, it wouldn’t shut up. In a desperate attempt to quieten it somehow, Teddy grabbed the packet of cigarettes off the table that might have belonged to either Luke or himself, it didn’t really matter, and worked his way through them one after the other until he felt like he might be sick.
Perhaps Teddy did doze off for a little while, it was hard to tell really, as he sat there for hours and hours feeling completely empty. All he knew was that he was surprised at how much time had apparently passed practically without his notice, as he heard Luke getting out of bed around the time it was just starting to get light outside. The living room curtains were still drawn, and Teddy hadn’t really moved from the spot he’d taken up when he got in, so he assumed that Luke hadn’t seen him when he walked past the space in between the living room and kitchen without saying anything. Teddy heard him put the coffee maker on, and assumed he was going about his usual weekend morning routine of making a coffee which he then took to his bedroom, presumably to drink it while relaxing in bed for a while. Teddy wasn’t really bothered about that, he wasn’t exactly up for conversation. He definitely couldn’t say anything to Luke about what had happened, not yet. Not when it was still so raw.
He opened the packet of cigarettes, and saw that there were two left. He let out an inaudible appreciative huff for that stroke of luck, and drew one out for himself, putting the packet back on the table to leave the other one for Luke. He lit the cigarette with his wand, dropping the wand carelessly back on the floor next to him as he let out a long exhale. His lungs felt something like they’d been through a cheese grater at this point, but Teddy didn’t really care anymore. The cigarette wasn’t making him feel any better, he didn’t even know why he was smoking it, but he did so anyway. It felt almost like a compulsion.
“Teddy” Luke said quietly, taking him by surprise, as he hadn’t heard Luke come back out of the kitchen over the sounds of the coffee machine. Teddy looked up at him through the dim light in the room and saw Luke standing in the gap between the two sofas, looking down at him in concern.
“I really didn’t want to do this, but…” Luke frowned. “Your thoughts are really fucking loud right now, and I’m having a hard time pretending I can’t hear them.”
Teddy huffed a surprised laugh at that. He was still very much getting used to being able to talk about Luke’s legilimens ability openly with him. Luke still seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the whole concept, being very wary of overstepping the admittedly rather loose boundaries between himself and Teddy. Teddy for his part wasn’t particularly concerned about that, and had been trying to encourage Luke to worry a bit less about it. In any other circumstances Teddy might have been pleased about Luke bringing it up himself unprompted, about the inherent trust between them that it displayed. But he had a feeling he was somehow being told off for something, and wasn’t sure how to respond to it.
“What are you, the thought police, now?” Teddy asked him incredulously. As far as he was concerned he had no control over the volume of what was apparently emitting from his head, and he wasn’t about to apologise for it.
“I heard you come in at four o’clock this morning” Luke told him seriously, disregarding this. “And I can hear what you’re rehearsing in your head right now.”
“Luke” Teddy implored him, dropping all semblance of attitude and silently begging him to drop it. He couldn’t have this conversation right now.
“You’re going to break up with him, aren’t you?” Luke asked, looking pained. Teddy had to look away from him.
“Luke, please don’t” Teddy said, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Teddy, did you sleep with someone else?” Luke asked him, now crouching down next to Teddy and trying to look him in the eye.
“What?!” Teddy spluttered. He hadn’t been expecting that, and turned back to Luke in outrage. “No, of course I fucking didn’t!”
“Well, I don’t know what to think!” Luke replied defensively. “You’ve been sexually frustrated for weeks, and now you’re not.”
“What?! You can tell that?!” Teddy demanded, momentarily derailed by this. He shook his head, trying to push past this shocking revelation.
“I didn’t fucking sleep with someone else, I wouldn’t DO that!” Teddy told him indignantly. “I slept with him. He called me last night.”
Luke’s face was lined with concern and looked back and forth between Teddy’s eyes for a moment or two before speaking again.
“Why did it have to be the last time?” Luke asked him. “Help me along here.”
“Because he’s going to go, and I can’t fucking stop him” Teddy told him, his heart shattering into a million pieces. He could feel tears running down his cheeks and didn’t even have the strength to try and stop them. “The only way for us to come out of this not hating each other is for me to let him go.”
“Teddy” Luke said softly, kneeling down next to him and putting his arms carefully around Teddy’s shoulders, pulling him in for a hug with Teddy’s face against his neck. Teddy closed his eyes and sniffled, feeling mildly comforted by the gesture but no less like his whole world was falling apart. He had dropped his cigarette when Luke had taken hold of him, and it took him a minute to realise this, squirming out of Luke’s embrace when he did so.
“Fuck…” he muttered, picking it up and seeing it had burnt a small hole in the carpet.
“Don’t worry about it” Luke said quietly, while Teddy batted the carpet to make sure the embers were out.
“Luke, you shouldn’t be…” Teddy shook his head hopelessly. “I shouldn’t be doing this to you, after everything, the other day. Knowing how you feel about me, now. I can’t have you nursing me through my break up.”
“Why ever not, Teddy?” Luke replied reasonably, and even in spite of everything Teddy felt a small flare of amusement at that turn of phrase. “We agreed we weren’t going to pay any mind to whatever feelings I’m having” Luke added, as though that settled the matter.
“How can I not pay any fucking mind to it, Luke?” Teddy asked him with a defeated sigh, before taking another drag of the cigarette, dismissing the vague thought that came to him wondering if he was breathing in burning carpet fibres now. “When we thought James was coming back that was one thing, but if I’m single now...”
“Then I’m still here for you. As a friend and nothing more" Luke told him firmly, and Teddy felt a rush of gratitude towards him. “So don’t be getting any ideas, you" Luke added, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and Teddy couldn’t help himself from laughing. How was it possible that in depths of all this misery that Luke could still make him laugh? Damn, he was going to need that.
“I was going to go into town today” Luke told him gently. “Would you rather I didn’t?”
“No” Teddy told him, his voice low, “Please, go. I could use some space for what I’m about to do.”
“Teddy, are you sure” Luke pressed him, searching his face carefully. Teddy knew that he wasn’t talking about Luke leaving him alone today. Teddy looked back at him, letting Luke feel his emotions rather than responding verbally. He wasn’t sure, not at all. But he was in too much pain to drag this out any further.
“Alright” Luke whispered calmly after a minute or two, giving Teddy another hug. Teddy was careful to keep hold of the cigarette this time, wrapping his other arm around Luke’s waist and squeezing him back, feeling immensely grateful to have such a good friend in all of this, hoping that Luke could feel his appreciation too, as well as his pain.
“I can” Luke told him softly while they were still hugging, and Teddy huffed a small laugh again. “I told you, your thoughts are loud today” Luke explained as he pulled back, and Teddy gave him a very weak smile.
-
"Hey, it's me" Teddy said softly into the phone. This was the hardest call he'd ever had to make. He'd been up all night rehearsing in it his head, but in all the different ways he'd imagined it going, somehow it hadn't occurred to him that it might go to voicemail.
"I was trying to reach you" he let out a weird sort of half laugh at himself, which really didn't amount to much more than rapidly exhaling through his nose. "Obviously... Um... but maybe this is better actually. Maybe it's easier. Not that anything about this is easy..." Teddy closed his eyes and sighed. He was babbling.
"Last night was..." he cast around for an adjective strong enough, and eventually settled on "perfect... But I couldn't be there when you woke up. I knew things were going to get too real this morning and I..." he petered off again. He didn’t want to make excuses. He knew it was cowardly not to have this out face to face, but why put both of them through that? No, this was better.
"I know you think I put it all on you, but I've been really thinking about it, you know. Our situation" he said, his throat starting to tighten with the weight of what was coming. "Been racking my brains for a wonderful solution where everybody wins. And I know you have too. And the thing is... we're pretty smart people, James. I've got to imagine that if a solution did exist then we would have thought of it by now." He paused again, a horrible wave of sadness washing over him, making a chill run down his spine. It was harder than ever to start talking again, knowing what it was he needed to say. He had to force himself to do it.
"But I think we both know that there's no way forward here without one of us being miserable. Which will ultimately lead to both of us being miserable. And I don't want that for you, Jamie. I want you to be happy. I really want that for you."
Teddy paused to take a shuddering breath, holding the phone a little bit away from his face as he did so, so that it wouldn't be heard on the tape. Not that he could do anything to mask how thick his voice was with emotion, or the fact that he was struggling to get the words out. It’s not like James wouldn't be able to tell that saying this was breaking Teddy's heart. Wouldn't be able to tell that there were tears streaming down his face and that he was barely holding back a sob.
"Even if it's not with me" he whispered into the receiver, his eyes clamped shut, trying to hold everything in. Just until he got the end of this call. That was all he needed. Just to make it through this. It didn't matter what came after.
"So" he took another jerky breath, not bothering this time to try and hide it. "I need to let you go" his voice squeaked on the last word and he cleared his throat, clenching his fist around the phone and willing his body to just cooperate with him a little longer. Just a few more sentences.
"It's what we both need. To move forward, and go our separate ways. Get what we each want" but Teddy didn't want this. Every fibre of him was screaming that he didn't want this. To take it back. To hang up the phone. But he knew he had to be stronger than that.
"So... I guess this is goodbye" he breathed, barely audible. He had no idea if James was even going to be able to make out the words when he eventually listened this, but Teddy couldn't make himself say it again.
"I -" a sob threatened to burst out of him and Teddy cleared his throat again, forcing it back. "I really hope you get everything you want" he said, and he really did mean that. "I... I love y-"
The sound of someone apparating into the entryway took Teddy by surprise and he jumped at the noise, almost dropping Luke’s phone. He froze, with the phone in his violently shaking hand, wondering whether to finish what he was saying or to just leave it there. Maybe it was fitting that he never fully got it out. He didn’t want this to be the lasting memory of him telling James that he loved him. He wanted to remember happier times of that. But before he'd decided, he heard footsteps enter the room behind him and a gentle voice spoke.
"Hey Teddy."
It was James.
Teddy released the breath he didn’t even know that he was holding as he hung up the phone, staring at it blankly in his hand, still facing the kitchen window. He couldn’t bring himself to turn around and face him. Not after that message he'd just left. Not now.
"What are you doing here?" Teddy asked quietly, doing his very best to stop his hands from shaking.
"I quit my job" he stated plainly. Teddy wasn't sure he'd heard him correctly for a second, never in a million years would he have guessed that was going to be his response. Perhaps nothing else James could have said would have made Teddy turn around and face him, but that did.
"You...?"
"And I want to say right here and now, that I'm not happy about it" James said firmly, but his expression was neutral. If he was in any way surprised about the state that Teddy was clearly in, he didn't show it. He just stood there in front of Teddy, both hands in his jacket pockets, looking at him with an unreadable expression.
"I really wanted that job, Ted" he went on. "I'm fucking gutted that I didn't take it. And I'm probably gonna be a bit pissy about that for a while."
Teddy felt like his brain was moving very slowly, almost as if he was drunk. He understood what James was saying, but it didn't make sense somehow. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He wasn't supposed to be here.
“Where’s Luke?” James asked, glancing around. Teddy’s brain was so unresponsive that it took him a minute to answer.
“Um, went into town. Shopping, or something” Teddy supplied. “He left me his phone" he added, somewhat redundantly, since he was still holding the thing in his hand, although he wasn’t really sure why at this point. He put it down on the side, blinking dazedly.
“Simplifies things” James said with a small smile. “I was hoping to get you alone.”
Teddy disregarded this, still feeling utterly confused as to why James was even here in the first place.
"Why?" Teddy asked him, and James raised an eyebrow. "Why didn't you take it? The job" Teddy elaborated. James looked a little surprised by the question.
"Why do you think, Teddy?" James frowned. "Because I chose you, idiot."
Teddy shook his head. This wasn't right. They'd been over this. If James gave up this opportunity just because of Teddy then he'd hate him forever for it. That was tantamount to it being over anyway. It was over. It had to be. They couldn't prolong it like this, Teddy didn’t have the strength for that.
"You can't" he said, to which James looked very taken aback. "It doesn't work. We talked about this. I can't..." Teddy floundered to find the words. Letting James go had been the hardest thing he'd ever done and he sure as shit didn't have it in him now to make him follow through with it.
"Teddy" James said softly, looking worried now, trying to close the gap between them, but Teddy took a step backwards, not letting him any closer. He couldn't. He couldn’t let him in again. He couldn’t go through it again. James looked hurt at this, but stopped his advances.
"I think I need to explain" James said slowly, eyeing Teddy carefully, as though he had gone mad. Teddy didn’t know for sure that he hadn’t, in all honesty. Maybe this whole thing was just a hallucination.
"I didn't quit because you asked me to come home” James ventured matter-of-factly. “When you did that it felt like you were asking me to choose between you and my future, and..." he sighed. "Well that doesn't work, does it, because you're..." he tailed off, seemingly not sure how to word what it was he wanted to say. Teddy didn’t let himself feel anything at these words. Didn't know if the end to that sentence was 'you're my future' or 'you're an arsehole', but either way it was too painful to bear.
"I thought about my future, Teddy. About what I want. The bigger picture" James said, gesturing vaguely. "And I saw me taking this job, kicking ass at it, running my own missions. Eventually becoming the director of that company and deciding where the missions go." He had a look of faraway wonder as he talked about it, and Teddy had no clue where he was going with this. If he still clearly wanted it so much then why was he here?
"But I also saw myself sitting at a desk that had a picture of my kids on it" James told him. "And I saw myself leaving the office at five on the dot every day, because I wanted to go home and see my partner, and play with my kids, and have dinner with my family. And maybe there's a dog, I don’t know. But there's definitely a garden, where we barbecue in the summer, and have snowball fights in the winter. And we have silencing charms on the bedroom so the kids can't hear us shagging, because we may be old but man do we still have the fire in the bedroom" James was grinning now, and Teddy knew he was supposed to laugh, but he still couldn't believe it. Couldn't let himself believe it.
"And that's the more important bit, don't you see?" James implored him, clear worry on his face at Teddy's lack of response. "The other bit would be fucking awesome, sure. But this bit, the family bit. That's the bit I can’t stand to lose. Losing that would hurt so much more than any fucking job."
"You don't have to" Teddy said quietly, looking away. "You can still have that. You can have both."
"No I can't" James argued, as though this should be obvious, stepping sideways and leaning over to try and get back into Teddy's eyeline. "I can't have that without you. That doesn't exist without you" James said imploringly. Teddy finally met his eye and saw genuine sincerity there.
"I know it doesn't feel like it right now" he said, his voice coming out very flat. James shook his head impatiently.
"I'm not saying I wouldn't eventually meet someone else. I'm not being dramatic, I know that I would, and so would you" James said earnestly. "I'm telling you I don’t want to. I don't want that. I want you."
"You're choosing me?" Teddy asked, still not quite able to get his head around it, but this time when James stepped towards him he didn't back away, and he allowed James to lift a hand and gently wipe away the tears from his cheek with his thumb. Teddy hadn't even realised that he was crying.
"I'm choosing us" James said softly, carefully cradling Teddy’s cheek with his hand. "You, me, house, kids. The whole shabang. Is that what you see, in our future?"
Teddy took a shaky breath as he allowed himself to really consider what James was saying. To start to believe him.
"Y- yes" he choked out. That was exactly what he saw when he looked to their future. That was exactly what he wanted. James smiled at him warmly.
"Then that's what we're going to have" he said affectionately. “The rest we’ll figure out along the way. And don’t ask me what I’m going to do for a job, because I haven’t got that far yet. But I know we’ll work it out. We’re a team, you and me. I’m so sorry that I nearly forgot that.”
“James, you…” Teddy breathed out, taking a hold of James’s wrist and gently prising his hand off his face. “Are you sure about this?” he asked him seriously. James looked mildly hurt by the question, or perhaps the action, and Teddy felt very slightly bad about that, but he couldn’t possibly let himself accept this without asking that first.
“You wanna know how sure I am?” James replied, a curious glint in his eye. Teddy nodded minutely.
Absolutely nothing on earth could have prepared him for what happened next. James slowly sank down to his knees, and for a wild moment Teddy thought he was preparing to give him head. Which a few months ago might not have been an inherently unusual way to make up after an argument, but this was certainly no ordinary argument they were in the process of getting over. And despite what had happened last night – especially after what had happened last night - Teddy didn’t particularly want to jump back into bed without discussing things properly first.
He opened his mouth to say as much, taking half a step backwards, but as he did so he saw that James wasn’t on his knees at all. He was on one knee, looking up at Teddy with a wide smile on his face, as though he might burst with happiness. Teddy didn't think he could have described how he felt in that moment if he tried, apart from the fact that it was something like emotional whiplash. James took one of Teddy’s hands in his own, and Teddy did nothing to fight him on it, simply standing there, stunned.
"Teddy Lupin, will you marry me?" James asked, his voice low and soft, but the excitement shining through.
Teddy continued to stare at James where he was knelt, his brain not fully able to process what he was seeing. He wasn’t sure that he could have made a noise if he tried, even if he DID know what to say, which he definitely didn’t. As the silence stretched on with no apparently discernible reaction from Teddy, James’s expression changed from one of hopeful joy to apprehension.
“Teddy?” James prompted him a little worriedly, tugging on his hand.
“I… um…” Teddy swallowed the lump in his throat, which didn’t really help at all. It still felt like it took an enormous amount of effort for him to speak. “James, what are you doing?” he asked him helplessly, his voice coming out quite hoarse.
“I’m asking you to marry me, Teddy” James replied with something of an amused smile, possibly taking Teddy’s disbelief as him being overwhelmed by the gesture. It certainly was overwhelming, but not really in a good way.
“I don’t… what?” Teddy breathed, dazedly, and James’s expression turned to one of concern again. “Are you serious?” Teddy asked incredulously, before he could help himself. James looked rather embarrassed as he relinquished Teddy’s hand and got back up from the floor.
“Yeah, I’m being serious” he replied quietly.
“James…” Teddy still felt completely listless. “I’m sorry, but I need you to take, like, five steps back, because I’m still wrapping my head around you actually being here and telling me that you’ve quit your job.”
“Right…” James replied, looking more sheepish than ever. “I understand that. Sorry, I might have gotten a bit ahead of myself there.”
“Just a tad” Teddy agreed dazedly. “I mean, have you thought this through? Really thought it through?”
“Of course I have” James replied softly. “I’ve thought about nothing else since last night.”
“It’s just-” Teddy faltered. He wanted to believe this was real, and that it was definite. James probably had no idea how much he wanted it to be real. But there were things that needed to be addressed first.
“That’s less than twenty four hours, James…” Teddy went on. “This morning I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to see you again.” That probably wasn’t really true, they would inevitably have seen each other again, at Christmas at the very least. But James knew what he meant.
“I understand” James said quietly. Teddy could tell he was trying hard to hide his disappointment, but it was written clearly across his face anyway. “I should have waited, shouldn’t have sprung it on you like this. It felt like the right moment, but I guess I mis-read it.”
“James” Teddy said imploringly, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “You walking in here just now and telling me you’re giving up that job because you’re thinking about our future...” he let out a rather shaky breath there, finally letting that actually sink in. That James was actually here. That he was choosing Teddy. “If you really are serious…” Teddy went on tentatively.
“I am” James cut in there, his tone firm, and Teddy gave him a weak smile.
“Then that’s maybe the biggest thing anyone has ever done for me in my life. And I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not fully appreciating that right at this moment, because believe me, I AM. It’s just… that alone is a lot to take in. And on top of that, you’re asking me to marry you?”
“It’s a lot, I know” James said rather regretfully.
“Yeah, it’s a lot” Teddy agreed dazedly. “And just so we’re clear, I’m not saying no, never, to that. I’m saying that this needs thinking about more carefully than that. It needs to be right, James.”
“You don’t think it is?” James asked worriedly.
“I think…” Teddy ventured carefully, trying to figure out how blunt to be. After a moment’s hesitation he decided to just go ahead and lay it all out. There was certainly no point in holding back now. “I think even if you ARE coming home, that doesn’t instantly fix everything. We’ve still got some things to work through. And to be honest, James, right now I don’t know that I’m fully convinced you’re not going to change your mind again in a few months time, if you get another job offer somewhere else. And if you’re serious about getting serious… we both have to be fully in it, for that to work.”
“Look, Ted, I know I’ve given you plenty of reasons to believe I’m not fully in this the past few months” James replied guiltily. “I don’t know what to say about that except for that I’m sorry. I don’t know how I let everything get so twisted. But the fact that I love you, more than anything, that’s never been in question. You have to know that, right?”
“I know” Teddy said sadly. “But if this whole thing has taught us anything, that’s not always enough, is it?”
“It is though Teddy, that’s what I’m telling you” James insisted. “I know this might be coming a bit out of left field for you, but in my head we’ve always been working towards that future together. This is it for me. YOU’RE it for me.”
“That’s…” Teddy shook his head, trying not to let that sentiment overwhelm him. “That’s really great to hear, James. But it can’t possibly be as black and white as that. Last night you were still on the fence about it, weren’t you?”
“Last night I don’t know where the fuck my head was at, if you want the truth” James admitted. “I know it wasn’t fair of me to call you like that, but… that was part of what made me realise how much of a fucking moron I’ve been about this whole thing. Everything felt like it was falling apart and all I could think about was you.” He was looking at Teddy with genuine hurt in his eyes now and Teddy didn’t really know what to say to that. He was saved the necessity of having to think of a response, as James went on.
“It’s been a rude awakening, this whole thing” he said, his face lined with regret. “It shouldn’t have taken me getting so close to losing you for me to pull my head out of my arse, but” he sighed. “Guess I am still pretty immature in some ways. But I’m going to do better, I really mean that. I’m going to start thinking about my future holistically, and not just what I want each individual part of it to be but how it all works together as a whole. Because if the dream job doesn’t work for you, then it can’t be the dream job, can it? And I’m going to do that whether you say you’ll marry me now or not, because even if it’s not now then it’s someday. And that’s what we’re working towards. A future, a life, together. You and me.”
James was ticking all the right boxes, Teddy had to give him that. He was saying all the right things. But Teddy still couldn’t reconcile all this somehow with the fact that he had started today certain that it was over. He couldn’t forget how much that had hurt.
“Will you let me think about it, for a little bit?” Teddy asked gently. James nodded.
“Yeah, of course” he replied quietly.
“I’m sorry” Teddy said sincerely. “I know that’s not the answer you were hoping for.”
“It has to be right, like you said” James replied calmly. “For both of us. Take as much time as you need. I’m not going to change my mind.”
They shared a moment of silent understanding, in which Teddy just stared at James, still taking in the fact that he was there, stood right in front of him. That he had literally just walked into this kitchen and changed Teddy’s life. That he was currently laying himself bare in front of Teddy, asking him to spend the rest of his life with him. Teddy very much DID want to spend the rest of his life with him, if at all possible.
“Can I fucking kiss you now?” James asked desperately, breaking the silence. Teddy saw no need to give a verbal response to that, immediately closing the gap between them and planting his lips softly on James’s. James wrapped his arms around Teddy’s waist, pulling him as close as possible while they kissed, long and slow. Teddy had both hands resting gently on either side of James’s face while he luxuriated in the kiss. There was much more they needed to discuss, but this right here was perhaps just as important right now. Reaffirming how much they both loved each other. That they were both still in this. Hopefully, that they were both in it for the long haul.
“I love you, Teddy” James broke the kiss for just long enough to say, diving straight back in afterwards, a sort of renewed yearning in his embrace that made Teddy suddenly realise that in James’s whole speech, Teddy hadn’t actually said that back to him yet. Teddy tore his lips away, having to pull his whole head back to prevent James recapturing them.
“I love you too” Teddy replied breathily, looking carefully in James’s eyes to make sure he really knew that. It wasn’t entirely apparent that he did, his eyes full of pain as he looked back at Teddy.
“Do you? Still?” James asked fearfully, his voice barely more than a whisper.
“Of course I do” Teddy told him softly, suddenly feeling awful for letting him think otherwise.
“It’s just, this morning when I woke up and you were gone…” James trailed off hopelessly.
“I know” Teddy replied quietly. He knew full well what the end to that sentence was, and he had no counter argument to it. This morning, things certainly had been pretty hopeless.
“You do still want me to come home, right?” James pressed him worriedly, and Teddy kissed him again, hating seeing that look on his face.
“Yes, yes, of course I do” Teddy told him in between harried kisses. “I want everything you just said. That future you were talking about. I want it all, with you.” James nodded as Teddy trailed kisses along his jawline, pulling him close again.
“Shall we go back to ours?” James asked him softly, and Teddy felt a wave of something hard to define, an odd mixture of relief, gratitude and warmth at the use of that word. Ours. The home they both shared. The one that had stood empty and cold for so long that Teddy had stopped even thinking of it as home, merely as the place that he and James used to live.
“Ours” Teddy repeated, relishing in the idea. James took that as the wholehearted agreement that it was intended as, and Teddy didn’t need to do a single thing, not even stop kissing him, as James apparated the pair of them back to their flat in Forest Gate.
-
Teddy was half asleep in James’s arms when he heard the loud crack of someone apparating into their living room. The bedroom door was ajar, the pair of them having been a bit too distracted earlier to bother closing it. Not that they would have taken the care to do so anyway, probably. They were in their own flat after all, and weren’t expecting any visitors. In hindsight though, it shouldn’t have been particularly surprising that Luke would come looking for Teddy given the state he’d been in when he’d left him at his own flat earlier today. Teddy probably ought to have left him a note, or something. But again, he’d been quite distracted.
“Teddy, are you here?” Luke’s voice was lined with concern, and Teddy could hear him walking around checking the other rooms – of which there weren’t very many. Before Teddy even had the chance to clear his throat to call back to him, the bedroom door was pulled open, and a very surprised looking Luke was stood in the doorway.
“Oh, right…” Luke said awkwardly, his eyes open rather wide, and Teddy couldn’t help but laugh as he sat up, glancing back at James, who was rubbing his eyes and looking very confused. At least they had the covers over their lower halves, Teddy took a moment to be thankful for that.
“OK, carry on” Luke said casually, making an abrupt turn and walking back the way he had come from, swinging the door shut behind him. Teddy heard James huff a breathy laugh next to him, and turned to press a quick kiss to his cheek before hopping out of bed, hastily pulling on his boxers as he called out to Luke.
“Luke, wait!” Teddy hailed him, pulling on what turned out to be James’s t-shirt as he crossed the room. It was quite big on him and was hanging down at the neck exposing a bit more chest than a top that actually fit him would , but he wasn’t particularly bothered about that right now. All semblance of modesty was already out of the window. He pulled the door open to see that Luke had heeded the call, and was leant rather nonchalantly against the back of the sofa, looking at Teddy with his eyebrows raised. Teddy laughed lightly again as he went over to him.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you” Teddy told him earnestly.
“You should be, I was panicked as fuck when I got back and you weren’t there” Luke replied dryly, but Teddy could tell from his expression that he wasn’t really mad. “This was the first place I came though, it’s not like I’ve been running all over town looking for you” he added with a vague gesture.
“I didn’t mean to just disappear” Teddy told him apologetically. “He just showed up” he shrugged helplessly, but was unable to stop smiling. The rest of it probably went without saying, but Teddy knew Luke would want a full explanation at some point anyway. Perhaps not right now though. The abridged version would have to do for today.
“Does that mean all this nonsense is finally done with, then?” Luke asked, and Teddy grinned.
“I think so” he beamed. “He’s quit his job.”
“Well thank christ for that” Luke replied rather loftily, and Teddy laughed again.
“You’re not even going to believe what he said to me, but I think I want that story to wait until I have time to tell it in full” Teddy told him, wanting to laugh even more at just the thought of Luke’s reaction to finding out that James had proposed to him.
“Holy fuck” Luke hissed, his eyes open wide again in shock, and Teddy was starkly reminded that it was basically impossible to keep anything from Luke. Especially now that they had dispensed with the formality of Luke pretending he couldn’t hear what Teddy was thinking at any given moment. “He proposed to you?!” Luke asked, his voice low, but his tone scandalised.
“I know” Teddy replied, laughing a little, fully on board with Luke’s reaction. “I didn’t say yes” he added seriously.
“I’m not surprised, jesus christ” Luke replied, looking astounded, and Teddy had to bite back another laugh.
“I didn’t totally say no either though” Teddy told him. “I said I need some time to think about it. I mean, I don’t know that we’re all the way out of the woods yet, there’s still things to figure out.”
“Like whether you want a spring or a summer wedding?” Luke replied incredulously, and the two of them dissolved into hushed laughter.
“Fuck, Luke, am I crazy for even thinking about it?” Teddy asked, once they’d both stopped snickering.
“Not at all, Teddy” Luke told him kindly. “But you’re right, there’s things to figure out first.” Teddy nodded in agreement.
“Shit, I still can’t believe he’s actually here. He’s actually home” Teddy mused, unable to help himself grinning widely as he said it.
“He’d have been a right twat not to come back for you, Teddy” Luke said, his voice barely above a whisper. “And he isn’t, is he?”
“Oh don’t you fucking start acting like you knew this was how it was going to go all along” Teddy shot back faux-irritably.
“It was touch and go for a bit, there” Luke admitted. “But I always thought this was how it should go.”
“I’m really happy, Luke” Teddy told him. Luke laughed.
“I know” he replied, and surely he must. “Well, fuck, what are you out here talking to me for?” he added. “Get back in there” he nodded towards the bedroom door, and Teddy grinned even wider.
“Alright” he replied happily. “But I’ll see you tomorrow, for the full debrief.”
“Yeah, you’d better” Luke smirked. “I want details.”
Teddy shot him one last grin, clapping him on the shoulder before heading back to the bedroom. He heard Luke disapparate behind him as he opened the door to see James sat up in bed, looking at something on his phone. He looked up at Teddy as he entered the room, his face breaking out into a wide smile, apparently just at the mere sight of Teddy approaching him. What could Teddy possibly do with that other than go right to him and kiss the life out him? So that’s exactly what he did, climbing back onto the bed and planting open mouthed kisses on every bit of James’s skin that was exposed above the covers. An assault which had James rather breathless when Teddy released him some minutes later.
“Fuck, Ted…” he breathed out, his arms limply hanging around Teddy’s neck, and Teddy chuckled lightly.
“You want me to keep going, or…?” Teddy asked him with a wicked grin.
“Fuck yeah, I want you to keep going” James replied emphatically, and Teddy laughed again. “BUT…” James added, just as Teddy was about to do exactly that, making Teddy freeze where he was, hovering over James, half way to his lips. “I can’t stay here all day” James told him, looking rather regretful about it. “I WANT to, god, I really fucking want to. But there’s some things I need to sort out.”
“Albus?” Teddy asked him seriously, pulling back so he could see his whole face properly. James didn’t let him go too far, tightening his arms to lock him in place.
“Yeah” James replied, his face now also rather grave. “I need to talk to Scorpius. Make sure he’s up to speed.”
“Was he not already?” Teddy asked, surprised by that.
“No” James replied frowning. “I left Al with strict instruction to come clean when I left him yesterday, so I need to make sure he has. And I want to see if Scorpius can fill in any of the blanks, because I don’t know if I’ve got the full picture yet.”
“You want me to come with you?” Teddy offered. James looked like he was mulling that one over for a second before he replied.
“No, I think it’s best I go by myself” he said gently. “I don’t want to overwhelm the pair of them. I’ve got a better chance of getting more info if it’s just me, I think. Besides, I’m not sure I can keep my hands off you at the moment, and I don’t think that’s…” he trailed off with a pointed look at Teddy, who huffed a small laugh through his nose.
“Not very appropriate, considering the situation” Teddy supplied. “Yeah, I can see that.”
“It’s not that I don’t want you there” James told him earnestly. Teddy leaned down to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.
“I know” he replied simply. “What can I do?”
“Nothing at the minute, I don’t think” James replied, with an apologetic grimace. “Mum and Dad need to be brought up to speed as well, but I don’t want to do that before I’ve talked to Scorpius. You could come with me for that, but…” he made a rather pained face. “I don’t want them to get side-tracked on the whole you and me thing. They’ve both been all over me to sort it out this past week and they’re going to want a full run down of how it’s been resolved, and I don’t want to get into that with them when you and me haven’t even finished hashing out the details yet.”
“OK” Teddy replied. That seemed fair enough really, but he didn’t particularly like feeling so useless here. He also didn’t like the idea of sitting around all day and just waiting, while James was off handling all of this by himself. “Does all of that need to be done today?” Teddy asked.
“Well I don’t have a huge amount of time” James told him. “I have to get back to New Zealand tomorrow night. I’ve still got to work my notice period.”
“Right…” Teddy frowned. It hadn’t even occurred to him that James would still have to go back, whether he had quit or not, but it probably should have. Leaving without even the courtesy of working his notice would have been a very irresponsible thing to do – something which James had certainly shown he wasn’t.
“It’s shitty timing, I know” James went on ruefully. “But my notice period is only two weeks. So when I come back for Christmas that’s it, I’m back for good.”
“You’d only have about another six weeks after that anyway, wouldn’t you?” Teddy asked, thinking that over. James was already making a huge sacrifice for their relationship in turning down the permanent job. Teddy had never actually asked him to cut short the temporary one. “Maybe you should just finish it, James. You’re so close anyway. And that would put you on better terms when you DO leave, wouldn’t it?”
“No, Teddy, I’m not doing that to you” James replied firmly. Teddy opened his mouth to counter, but James cut across him before he had the chance. “I’m not doing that to us. And I’m not doing it to Al or my parents either. I’m needed HERE.”
“We can manage without you for six weeks” Teddy implored him, even though it did make his stomach sink to imagine James being pulled back away from him again for such a long time, right when they were finally back on the same page again.
“It’s eight weeks, including this next two” James corrected him. “That’s two more months, Ted, which is far too long for me to be out there worrying that I’m fucking things up again.”
“You wouldn’t be” Teddy told him softly. “I was starting to lose it because I thought you weren’t coming back. Now I know that you are, things will be different.”
“That’s not good enough” James replied obstinately. “The timeframe is irrelevant anyway, in terms of the actual work” he added. “If the framework hadn’t been set in motion yet then things might be different, but we’d be rolling onto that in the new year anyway. So it wouldn’t be six weeks wrapping up all the work I’ve done so far, it’d be six weeks getting stuck into a new job that I’m not actually sticking around for, so what’s the point, anyway?” Teddy couldn’t tell whether James was over-simplifying that just to placate him, which seemed likely, but there was such a decisiveness to James’s tone that Teddy didn’t see much point in trying to debate it at the moment. It was damn near impossible to persuade James of anything once he’d made up him mind about something.
“Alright” Teddy agreed, albeit rather reluctantly. “Two weeks, then.”
“Two weeks in which you’d better get a new phone, because I’ll be ringing you damn near every day, making up for lost time” James told him sternly, and Teddy laughed.
“Speaking of which” he ventured, looking around to see where James’s phone had gone. He must have dropped it when Teddy dived on him earlier. “What were you doing on your phone? It doesn’t work in here, does it?”
“No it doesn’t, but I’ve got a bunch of messages from Ella that must have come through when we were at Luke’s” James told him, digging around in the bunched up covers for his phone. Since James had finally released him in order to do so, Teddy manoeuvred himself into a seated position next to James, leaning back against the headboard. James shuffled up to join him there, unlocking his phone to show Teddy the message thread.
E: I FUCKING KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO ABANDON ME HERE, YOU SHIT
E: Seriously, mate, I’m going to miss you like hell, but I’m glad you’ve figured out what’s going to make you happy
E: I want ALL the details on Monday
E: And I’d better get an invite to the wedding!
E: Tell Teddy from me he’s a lucky man
E: Love you both xxxx
“She loves me too?” Teddy laughed. “I only met her once.”
“Well, she listened to me talk about you non-stop for three months before that, so she probably feels like she’s known you for ages” James shrugged with a fond smile.
“Did you tell her you proposed to me?” Teddy asked confusedly, re-reading the messages. If the phone didn’t work in this flat, Teddy had no idea WHEN James could have told her that. Perhaps her jab about getting an invite to the wedding was just a coincidental joke.
“No, I haven’t actually spoke to her at all” James answered calmly. “But I did tell Mo I was going to when I talked to him this morning. I assume she got the scoop from him.”
“Wait, so that wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, you proposing?” Teddy frowned, that taking him quite by surprise. “You’d actually planned that?”
“Well I clearly didn’t plan the execution very well, did I?” James laughed, and Teddy gave into an amused smile. he wasn’t going to disagree with that. “But yeah…” James went on coyly. “I told you, I’d been thinking about it all night. Actually, the idea has been in the back of my mind since I talked to Mo about it just before coming here.” James stopped there, looking rather bashful, and Teddy waited with rapt attention for him to go on. When he didn’t, Teddy nudged him in the side.
“Explain, please” Teddy prompted him, and James chuckled lightly.
“I went to him for advice, and he was talking about his wife, and what marriage entails” James said, gesturing vaguely. “And I told him I’d always imagined you and me would be married one day. Even before we got together, that just seemed like an inevitability to me. And I didn’t even realise what I was saying at the time because I was so turned around, but…” James looked fully embarrassed now, and Teddy took James’s hand in his own, interlacing their fingers together and giving it an encouraging squeeze.
“Last night, or this morning, whenever it was that the pieces of the puzzle slotted together” James said quietly, looking down at his knees rather than at Teddy, who found this kind of shyness in James incredibly adorable on the rare occasions he got to see it. If James had looked at him just then, he would probably have seen Teddy grinning at him like an absolute sap. “I realised that the way I always talk about you, and the way I think about you… You’ve always been my future husband.”
Teddy felt like he’d taken an arrow to the heart just then, and found himself completely unable to form any words in response. He knew instinctually as he was hearing this from James that that was exactly how Teddy felt about him, too. Inevitability. That was them, down to a tee.
Teddy put a gentle hand under James’s chin, turning his head to face him so that he could give him the kiss that that sentiment so deserved, doing his best to put all the things he couldn’t quite articulate just now into it. James kissed him back with equal fervour, but just as it started getting steamy again, James pulled back.
“I probably need to get going” he said, looking very much like he didn’t want to. Teddy knew he could probably make him stay, just by the simple act of starting up the kiss again, but he also knew that James was right. This whole thing going on with Albus was bigger than them, and it needed sorting. And James was VERY short on time.
“You’ll come back here, tonight?” Teddy asked, and James nodded with a smile.
“Of course” he replied. “I do LIVE here” he added with a smirk, and Teddy laughed. For anyone else it might be too soon to make jokes about it, but for the two of them, more or less anything was fair game.
“Turns out you’re Mr compromise” Teddy said with a wry smile. “I wanted to laugh when you said that, by the way, but I was so angry.”
“I’ve wanted to laugh at you a thousand times when we’ve been arguing” James told him amusedly. “I’d LOVE to know what you’re talking about” he did a low pitched imitation of Teddy’s rather gravelly angry voice, and Teddy cracked up.
“I didn’t say it like that” Teddy countered. He thought it had come out far less camp than how James had just imitated it. “But fucking hell, you should have heard the bollocking I gave to Luke right after that call. I was such a dick to him, James.”
“Everything alright with you two now?” James asked, his expression turning serious.
“Oh yeah, we’re fine” Teddy replied, waving airily. “We talked it out.”
“That’s good” James sounded sincere, but he was frowning rather pensively. “I’m sorry for sticking my oar in like that.”
“Oh yeah, you had me at his throat for a whole ten minutes” Teddy replied, with a smile. “He wasn’t even mad, either. He just went ‘oh James, what have you done.’” Teddy did his best impression of Luke’s resigned exasperation, and even if it wasn’t entirely accurate, it was relatable enough that James snickered profusely.
“He did NOT say that” James shot back.
“Verbatim” Teddy told him, and James laughed some more, but his expression turned serious again as he sobered up.
“I probably owe him an apology too” he said, frowning.
“I’m not sure he’s that bothered, to be honest” Teddy told him truthfully.
“He should be” James countered rather gravely. “Me telling you what I did… you were right, I was dragging him into it, and that was totally uncalled for. I could have wrecked everything, not just with us, but with you and him as well.”
“James” Teddy said reasonably, reaching up to gently run his thumb over James’s furrowed brow. “Me and Luke have been best friends for nearly two decades, I don’t think there’s anything that could ruin that beyond repair at this point.” James looked slightly relieved at that, but there was still obvious concern on his face.
“That having been said…” Teddy conceded. “This is one of the things I think we still need to work through. You and me need to talk about that properly, probably not right now, but at some point.” James nodded there. “For now, just know that when he and I talked about it he said he’s not even sure what he’s feeling, because after everything that’s happened to him this past year he still feels a bit all over the place. But one thing he was very clear about is he’s not remotely interested in anything happening between us, because we’re friends. And besides that, he’s always been the number one proponent for you and me.” Teddy briefly considered telling him there about the ‘team Jeddy’ thing that Luke had said, as he would surely find it funny. On reflection, however, he decided that James would likely find it a bit too funny, and might even start calling the pair of them that, and Teddy wasn’t sure he could allow it.
“But me and Luke have gotten closer these past few months while you’ve been away” Teddy offered, hesitating again for a moment while he wondered whether to ought to tell James about Luke admitting he was a legilimens. It would be difficult to keep it a secret from him now, but Teddy at the very least ought to check with Luke first that he was OK with sharing it with one more person.
“The dynamic between me and him might have shifted slightly” Teddy ventured instead. “And I need you to be OK with that, because he’s my best friend and he’s not going anywhere. And you’re not, either, so you and him need to be OK, too.”
“I want to be” James told him earnestly. Teddy would quite liked to have talked it through a bit further now that they were on the subject. In particular he would really like to know if there was any lingering jealousy or resentment on James’s end. But James glanced at his watch, pulling a fretful face as he read the time, and Teddy was reminded again that there were more pressing matters at hand.
“Go on, you need to get going” Teddy told him gently. James nodded again, wearing a pensive frown as he started getting out of bed.
“Oh, I have a voicemail from you, by the way” James said, as though just remembering, as he put his phone down on the bedside table. Teddy’s stomach lurched as he remembered that. Christ, a lot had happened between now and then.
“Delete it” Teddy told him firmly. “Don’t listen to it, for the love of god.”
“That bad?” James asked with a bit of a grimace.
“Oh yeah” Teddy replied darkly.
“Alright, you delete it for me while I go and shower, then” James told him, offering a supportive smile, which Teddy returned with a warm one.